Post by Lord Hastings on Aug 26, 2019 18:32:17 GMT -5
Welcome to GlobalTrollz LIVE Synergy Coverage for August 26th, 2019!
Championship Roll Call:
World Heavyweight Champion: Roxy Cotton
Cross-HemisphereSemi-Circle Champion: Roxy Cotton
Cooperative Champions: Donovan Hastings and Kenzi Grey
Chaos Champion: Roxy Cotton
We are two weeks removed from Grand Slam, where the titular accolade now belongs to Roxy Cotton, the newest Grand Slam Champion in UGWC. Now the holder of three championships, she has a massive bullseye on her back as the Coalition turns its attention to the upcoming Outlast tournament...
...next week. Because tonight UGWC presents the 2nd Annual (?) Sarah Lacklan appreciation night, or something.
Your Synergy coverage begins, now…
- Vinegar, Hans, and Jay give us the usual intro that transitions into childish bickering. [/CopyPaste]
Sarah Grey-Lacklan, who purchased the right to set the card for the evening, welcomes us to the show.
Winner: Hide Yamazaki
Time: 5:17
Sarah gets in the ring to give Hide his award. *LINK TO SEG*
Hide appears to still be attempting to determine what to do with Sarah’s book, and Vain attacks him from behind and unceremoniously dumps him out of the ring. Vain picks up the book and throws it over the ropes at Johnny Bonecrusher, who catches it and protests Vain’s actions. Vain responds with what sounded like a dirty limerick, which he tells Johnny to have Hide translate into Japanese, before turning back around into a dropkick from Gabby that sends him crashing to the outside in front of Johnny, to the latter’s satisfaction.
Kate and Gabby going at it now, a series of martial arts kicks from Steele backing Gabby into the ropes, and she is sent across the ring off the far ropes into a spinning heel kick. Steele goes for the cover, but Gabby kicks out right away. Side headlock applied by Steele, but Gabby counters into a side suplex. Gabby yanks on Steele’s hair, pulling her head up before she stomps it back to the mat.
Referee Brian Chartreuse admonishes Gabby for the hair pull, but she gives him the Upper Cleavage Wiggle and he loses his train of thought mid-sentence. Gabby turns back and Steele pulls her into an inside cradle, but Gabby kicks out before Chartreuse remembers where he is. Both women pop to their feet, but Steele plants Gabby with a float over DDT. Steele goes to the turnbuckle, but as she leaps into the air Hide is back in the ring and catches her into a backbreaker.
Hide knocks Gabby to the mat with a spinning backfist, then pivots to deliver another to the entering Vain, but Vain ducks under it, coming off the ropes and taking Hide down with a crossbody tackle. Vain rolls to his feet and takes Hide down again with a Fameasser, covers but it is broken up by Gabby. Gabby sets up Vain for a vertical suplex, and Steele steps alongside her to assist. They have Vain up for a double vertical suplex, but Hide charges from behind, clipping both women with chop blocks. Vain lands safely on his feet, standing over Hide, and he reaches down and pulls up both his legs, putting him into Vanity at its Finest!
Hans points out that Vain doesn’t fully have the move in due to the awkwardness of their positioning, it’s more of a low Boston crab and Vain can’t get his knee into the back. Vain is trying to adjust his leverage without losing the hold, but it doesn’t matter as Gabby connects with a step-up enziguri, breaking the hold and collapsing Vain.
Gabby turns around as Steele springboards into a crossbody tackle, and she wraps her legs around Gabby and flips her over. Steele tries to apply Shipwrecked, but Hide is up and stomps on her to break it up. Hide gutwrenches Gabby up into a powerbomb, then turns his attention to Steele as she goes to kick him, but he catches the leg and sends her sprawling into the corner with the Wheel of Fortune. Hide goes to pull up Vain, but Vain catches him by surprise with the Curtain Call, only for Johnny Bonecrusher to reach through the ropes and pull Hide out before Vain can cover him.
Vain sets up Gabby for the Cherry Popper, but Steele interrupts it with a floatover neckbreaker. She stands up into a kick to the gut from a recovered Gabby. Gabby plants her with the 34DD DDT, and that gets the win!
Winner: Gabrielle Sinn
Time:. 9:27
Director Ooley shows up on the stage and congratulates “Tits Magoo” on her victory. He says he’s always believed in her, and is going to give her a chance to prove it to everyone, as she is officially an Outlast captain.
We’re treated first to a pair of training montages, first of Pierce practicing various skills he uses in his broadcast career, followed by one of Deimos doing various mundane tasks. With Deimos in the ring and Pierce on his way to it, commentary tells us that following his victory over Vain at Grand Slam, Travis Pierce has been designated as an Outlast captain.
Deimos charges and delivers multiple blows to Pierce, forcing him into the ropes as commentary reminds us of all the history between these two over the years. Deimos whips Pierce across the ring, then charges and spears him to the mat. Deimos hits several mounted punches, then climbs the turnbuckle. Pierce gets up and Deimos goes for a missile dropkick, but Pierce sidesteps it. Deimos scurries up into a hard scoop slam from Pierce. Pierce whips Deimos across the ring, then floors him with a high knee. Deimos tries to get up, and Pierce hits springboard diving facecrusher. Pierce covers for a two count.
Pierce whips Deimos across the ring and goes for a backdrop, but Deimos counters with a facebuster. Deimos pulls Pierce up and shoves him into the corner, stomping away on the rookie. Deimos goes to whip him to the opposite corner, but Pierce reverses it, then follows Deimos, but Deimos reaches the other corner and hits the Fainting! Deimos goes right into the cover, but Pierce shoves Deimos off at two.
Deimos rolls to his feet, but Pierce is back up and hits several right hands on Deimos, backing him into the corner, and Pierce stomps him down. Pierce pulls him out and into a cobra clutch, but Deimos elbows out of it, then kicks him in the chest and hits a DDT. Deimos covers, and Pierce again gets his shoulder up at two.
Deimos starts to pull Pierce up, but Pierce swings his legs around and pull Pierce down into body scissors, and goes for a crossface, but Deimos breaks out of his legs and rolls away. Pierce kicks him in the chest as he is trying to get up and sets up a powerbomb, but Deimos backdrops out of it. Pierce tries to get right up, but Deimos grabs him and goes for the Numbing, but Pierce twists out into an arm drag, only for Deimos to roll directly to his feet and come off the ropes with a spear.
Pierce tries to get back to his feet, but Deimos is behind him and lifts him into the Numbing. Deimos steps through the ropes and climbs the turnbuckle, leaping for the Meteor Press, it connects and that gets the three.
Winner: Phrixus Deimos
Time: 7:07
Ichabod brings Roxy Cotton to the ring for a special announcement.
Travis Robert demands to start the match, shoving an eager Dave Rydell out of the ring. On the other team a more amicable solution is found as Sebastian is chosen to begin proceedings. It quickly becomes apparent that the younger of the two men has an immediate advantage in speed over Roberts, keeping him at arm’s length for the opening few moments. Occasionally striking at The headliner, but for the most part ducking and diving, avoiding the increasingly erratic swings of ‘The Blessed One’.
As Roberts gets more and more sluggish, SEB tags out to Sloane Taylor, whose speed instantly overwhelms Travis and she manages two successive two-counts off of Head in the Clouds and then Seeing Stars.
Travis manages to avoid another attack and goes towards his corner, his closest ally is Rydell, but he chooses to ignore him and try to get to Donovan instead, that extra second delay is enough For Sloane to catch him with a swinging neckbreaker. However, against Travis’ wishes Dave Rydell manages a blind tag and lays out Sloane before she realises whats going on.
Dave then builds up a head of steam, a blistering succession of kicks and punches causes Sloane to retreat and tag Knorad Raab into the mix. But ‘the Iceman’ can do nothing to stall Rydell’s momentum and he find himself set up waiting for the Virus of Life…
Until Roberts tags himself back in, orders Dave Rydell out of the ring, and then tags Donovan back in without even looking at Raab. Even Donovan is dumbfounded by this move and asks Travis what he is doing, ‘The Headliner’ rolls his eyes and tries to explain, as Donovan just shakes his head at the vulgar language ‘The Headliner’ is choosing to use to describe their partner.
During this time Raab has managed to tag out and SEB, unbeknownst to the Travis and Donovan has entered the ring. Rydell tries to get their attention just as SEB grabs Hastings and rolls him up. Travis does not see this as he turns to Dave and chastises him for interrupting him, oblivious to Sam green completing the 3 count on the surprised Donovan.
Winners: Konrad Raab, Sebastian Everett-Bryce III, and Sloane Taylor
Time: 6:17
Donovan springs up after the count, and asks Travis if he is happy now, before storming off. Dave Rydell just shakes his head and also walks away from Roberts.
Ichabod announces that Sebastian Everett-Bryce III and Konrad Raab are officially the final Outlast captains, joining Sarah Grey-Lacklan, Hide Yamazaki, Travis Pierce, and Gabrielle Sinn.
Ah, the Main Event. Where we FINALLY….
FINALLY
FINALLY get to see ALL of the #CoolKids face off against each other at the same time!
Sorta?
THUS SPAKE ZARATHUSTRA plays throughout Synergy Arena as Sarah walks down the aisle with Tragik….THE MAGNIFICEEEEEEENT who styles and profiles all the way down. Once in the ring, he tells the dude in control of the music (Kyle? Maybe?) to cut it and then asks all of the trim, athletic, in shape men to SHUT THEIR TRAPS so that he can show ALL of the women what a REAL man looks like. As the Stripper plays, he takes off his robe (sexily!) and shows off a mountain of hairy, sweaty flab.
Thank God that Kenzi made her way down next with Maleek in front of her. They came down to "R.A.K.I.M." by Rakim, which would certainly be the first time that THIS particular match writer ever saw or heard those words, to a nice pop from the crowd! Though, to be honest, it is probably more for this causing the end of the nauseating scene of Tragik running his hands down his fat rolls as anything else. Mr. Zucchini then shows HIS muscles...which actually exist, until some fat dude just kinda shows up? Like, even fatter than Trag? And Angie is in tow, so at least a burst of cheers comes around for the first time in the main event. So at least there’s that?
And then the CHAMPION! The SECOND Triple Champion in UGWC history makes her way down the aisle, as Grand Slam gave Roxy Cotton the unique opportunity to hold the World, Cross-Semicircle, and Chaos championships all at the same time. But for all of her glory, she is VASTLY outshone by the duo of sexitude that is the Disintigrators! The two Big D’s juke and jive down to the ring to a song WAY more modern than they should be using, all things considered, until they enter the ring. But who is going to wrestle for Roxy? Who is going to represent the Triple Champ? Who is going to-
DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE!
Both of the Disintigrators rush forward, holding hands like two road bros would, and take Tragik down with a double clothesline. Outside the ring, Sarah gives Roxy a heated look, but Grand Slamion (see what I did there?) gives her a wide-eyed expression of innocence over the pre-match attack. And that is when everyone in the ring just says “Fuck it,” including the referee, and things get going.
DING! DING! DING!
In true Western wrestling video game style, what we see from these five individuals is nothing but moves on moves with nothing in the way of psychology or game plan. After the double clothesline, the Disintigrators turn their attention to Maleek with kicks to his stomach, the tandem offense too much even for those abs of chocolate steel to push away. The two double him over and snap off a double suplex, which is immediately followed up by taunting and redneck rebel rousing. They follow THAT up by rushing at our resident SJW rep, looking for a double shoulder block, but they are repelled backwards after hitting 300 lbs of energy drinks, Cheetos, and WEED. X-Pro laughs as the biker duo flies off his girth, his giant belly jiggling in a way that gets much more than just Angelica’s margarita swirling!
The big man turns to Angie outside the ring and smiles at her, and the former champ’s face reddens so much that some of the people in the front row have to shield their eyes. He waves at her and she waves back, clearly “not” flirting, and then X-Bro turns back to face his opposition. He slowly meanders over to Tragik, who has just gotten to his sexy feet, and gives him a slow, lumbering chop atop his head. Tragik’s legs go out from under him as if they turned to water and X-Bro rumbles like a bowl full of jelly at looking better right now than he did any other time in his career. He picks Tragik up by his hair and then sends him into the ropes, catching him with a big belly bump as he rebounds, sending him back to the mat. X-Bro turns around to look for approval from Angie again and BLAM!
Big ol’ Size 13 boot to the face as Maleek nails him with a Mafia kick! The big man’s eyes glaze over with the connection and his arms wave wildly in the air as he tries to keep his balance. Maleek hits the ropes and comes back, hitting a shoulder block to try to take him down, but fails. Next to him, Tragik gets to his feet and the two of them hit the ropes and hit a double shoulder block, but X-Bro STILL won’t go down! The Disintigrators are there and finally...FINALLY...X-Bro goes down after the four of them work together and scoop him up and slam him down with a fourway body slam! Everyone holds their back in pain as the behemoth lays spread eagle on the mat, possibly dead?
And then BLAMO! Tragik somehow gets his foot up high enough to catch Maleek with a superkick! He turns around and does a double judo chop to the heads of BOTH Disintigrators and they go DOWN. Tragik then runs against the ropes and promptly falls flat on his face as Roxy Cotton reaches under the ropes and trips him up! Angie’s eyes go wide at the blatant cheating from the champion and looks over to Tragik’s controller-
-but Sar is gone! Angie looks to another corner and Kenzi is gone, too! Angie’s face flares up in both embarrassment and anger as she realizes that the Grey-Lacklans have snuck off to find themselves some alone time for Happy Anniversary Make-Out Session #19 of the evening. She then stomps over to Roxy, looks WAY down at the MUCH shorter Triple Champ, and wags her finger at her. Roxy rolls her eyes and then cheers as the Disintigraters get to their feet and start double teaming Tragik and Maleek with punches, kicks, and stomps. And lots and LOTS of stalling, WOOOOOing and AHHHHHing. The Synergy crowd is clearly getting restless with all of the old school non-action, so as the Grey-Lacklans sneak back into their corners, with Kenzi adjusting her collar to hide bite marks and it looking like Sarah lost an item or two of clothing on their “bathroom break,” the #CoolKids decide to modernize their match. Quick cuts to:
Holy shit! Maleek just did 16 rolling piledrivers on Tragik! And Tragik no-sold ALL of them!
The Disintegrators performed a Magik Killer on X-Bro from the top rope!
All 300+ pounds of X-Bro just did a full double rotation standing shooting star onto Maleek!
CANDAIAN DESTROYERS! EVERYONE JUST DID CANDAIAN DESTROYERS ON THE APRON! THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING!
The crowd goes APE SHIT as all five men immediately get up as if nothing happened! Back into the ring they go and now they are doing 27 superkicks...EACH! OH MY GOD! TRAGIK JUST SUPERKICKED HIMSELF!
Dave Meltzer just gave this match 7 ½ star as the Disintigraters V-Trigger their three opponents six times in seven seconds.
Everyone is out on the mat as the crowd battles themselves for attention with “HOLY SHIT!” “THIS IS AWESOME” and “YOU’VE STILL GOT IT” chants.
Finally, Tragik gets to his feet and starts warming up the band, stomping his feet in the corner. Lord knows WHY he thinks a superkick is going to matter at this stage, since there has been approximately 109 of the already, but he’s going for it. And as he does, he AGAIN finds himself falling face first on the mat. The Grand Slamion is very proud of herself but this time Sarah IS there and now she’s getting in Roxy’s face about it. Kenzi rolls her eyes over the ordeal as Angie heads over and tries to mediate a bit.
Meanwhile, X-Bro us up and slams Maleek onto the mat after a scoop.
Sarah is yelling and screaming and about to be all, “I want to see the manager!” at Roxy as Angie slips in between them.
X-Bro slams Tragik on top of Maleek.
WHAM! Kenzi goes down like that ton of bricks after SEB slams a chair into her leg! Kenzi screams out in pain but everyone is distracted and no one sees the sneak attack!
X-Bro slams Mustang on top of Tragik.
Again and again, SEB slams the chair onto Kenzi’s leg. Three times. Four times. Kenzi screams in pain and SEB smiles down at her and tells her “Happy Anniversary!”
X-Bro slams Steele on top of Mustang.
Sarah screams as she turns around and sees what is happening. She goes running towards Kenzi’s corner. She’s halfway there when Sloane shows up and starts pulling her partner away, her eyes half horrified and half pleased by what he’s done.
X-Bro starts to climb the ropes. It...well...it take a long time. Big boy.
SEB’s face is full of a satisfied and cocky grin as Sloane starts pushing him up the ramp. Sarah falls to her knees and holds Kenzi’s leg as the other two #CoolKids get to them. Sloane and Sarah lock eyes as she finally gets SEB up the ramp and EMTs start making their way down to help out the Cooperative Champion.
X-Bro plummets off the top rope and SLAMS down onto all four of his opponents. The impact causes the entire Synergy Arena to shake, and the ref is there to count all FOUR of their shoulders down.
1!
2!
3!
Winner: X-Bro 420
X-Bro gets to his feet and raises his arms, the BIGGEST victory of his ENTIRE career!
And no one even notices.
EMTs are helping Kenzi onto a gurney as Roxy stands guard and Angie hold’s a screaming and clawing Sarah back from going up the ramp. Sarah and Sloane’s eyes meet again before Sloane follows very smug SEB into the back and Sarah pushes Angie away and then starts yelling at the EMTs to be carefully with her spouse.
End Show
Championship Roll Call:
World Heavyweight Champion: Roxy Cotton
Cross-
Cooperative Champions: Donovan Hastings and Kenzi Grey
Chaos Champion: Roxy Cotton
We are two weeks removed from Grand Slam, where the titular accolade now belongs to Roxy Cotton, the newest Grand Slam Champion in UGWC. Now the holder of three championships, she has a massive bullseye on her back as the Coalition turns its attention to the upcoming Outlast tournament...
...next week. Because tonight UGWC presents the 2nd Annual (?) Sarah Lacklan appreciation night, or something.
Your Synergy coverage begins, now…
- Vinegar, Hans, and Jay give us the usual intro that transitions into childish bickering. [/CopyPaste]
Sarah Grey-Lacklan, who purchased the right to set the card for the evening, welcomes us to the show.
Battle Royal
Misunderstood oft,
But on this fine occasion,
Rydell departs first,
Dave by Generic,
Heel next to go, courtesy
Johnny Bonecrusher,
The Entertainment,
Icon Pierce to go after,
Somers betrayal?
No explanation?
Not likely, for Jet follows,
After his brother,
By the hand of Sloane,
Sky Queen next betters, the one,
Johnny Bonecrusher,
Her roll is though stalled,
By only her nemesis,
Kenzi Grey-Lacklan
Who over the top,
Is banished, by who else than,
By the SEB Empire,
Roberts And Wallace,
Go over together, now
Ego no comfort,
Lucky, Ichy and
Holden Orson, taken out,
By Yamazaki,
Vinnie and Gabby,
Fall to her, Angelica,
Now but four remain.
Captain stood tall as,
The greatest of the Falcor,
Colorful always,
Former Champion,
The top fits her perfectly,
Ready to Battle,
Maxine, much better
At remaining, than she is,
Protecting. kidnap
Finally it's Hide,
A stranger to victory,
At the top level.
Who is the victor?
That will take hold of the win,
as we now begin.
The episode of
Synergy Sarah Lacklan
Crafted from naught.
Of course it is
To who haikus come easy,
Hide Yamazaki.
But on this fine occasion,
Rydell departs first,
Dave by Generic,
Heel next to go, courtesy
Johnny Bonecrusher,
The Entertainment,
Icon Pierce to go after,
Somers betrayal?
No explanation?
Not likely, for Jet follows,
After his brother,
By the hand of Sloane,
Sky Queen next betters, the one,
Johnny Bonecrusher,
Her roll is though stalled,
By only her nemesis,
Kenzi Grey-Lacklan
Who over the top,
Is banished, by who else than,
By the SEB Empire,
Roberts And Wallace,
Go over together, now
Ego no comfort,
Lucky, Ichy and
Holden Orson, taken out,
By Yamazaki,
Vinnie and Gabby,
Fall to her, Angelica,
Now but four remain.
Captain stood tall as,
The greatest of the Falcor,
Colorful always,
Former Champion,
The top fits her perfectly,
Ready to Battle,
Maxine, much better
At remaining, than she is,
Protecting. kidnap
Finally it's Hide,
A stranger to victory,
At the top level.
Who is the victor?
That will take hold of the win,
as we now begin.
The episode of
Synergy Sarah Lacklan
Crafted from naught.
Of course it is
To who haikus come easy,
Hide Yamazaki.
Winner: Hide Yamazaki
Time: 5:17
Sarah gets in the ring to give Hide his award. *LINK TO SEG*
~Commercial Break~
Alan Wallace vs Gabrielle Sinn vs Hide Yamazaki vs Kate Steele
Hide appears to still be attempting to determine what to do with Sarah’s book, and Vain attacks him from behind and unceremoniously dumps him out of the ring. Vain picks up the book and throws it over the ropes at Johnny Bonecrusher, who catches it and protests Vain’s actions. Vain responds with what sounded like a dirty limerick, which he tells Johnny to have Hide translate into Japanese, before turning back around into a dropkick from Gabby that sends him crashing to the outside in front of Johnny, to the latter’s satisfaction.
Kate and Gabby going at it now, a series of martial arts kicks from Steele backing Gabby into the ropes, and she is sent across the ring off the far ropes into a spinning heel kick. Steele goes for the cover, but Gabby kicks out right away. Side headlock applied by Steele, but Gabby counters into a side suplex. Gabby yanks on Steele’s hair, pulling her head up before she stomps it back to the mat.
Referee Brian Chartreuse admonishes Gabby for the hair pull, but she gives him the Upper Cleavage Wiggle and he loses his train of thought mid-sentence. Gabby turns back and Steele pulls her into an inside cradle, but Gabby kicks out before Chartreuse remembers where he is. Both women pop to their feet, but Steele plants Gabby with a float over DDT. Steele goes to the turnbuckle, but as she leaps into the air Hide is back in the ring and catches her into a backbreaker.
Hide knocks Gabby to the mat with a spinning backfist, then pivots to deliver another to the entering Vain, but Vain ducks under it, coming off the ropes and taking Hide down with a crossbody tackle. Vain rolls to his feet and takes Hide down again with a Fameasser, covers but it is broken up by Gabby. Gabby sets up Vain for a vertical suplex, and Steele steps alongside her to assist. They have Vain up for a double vertical suplex, but Hide charges from behind, clipping both women with chop blocks. Vain lands safely on his feet, standing over Hide, and he reaches down and pulls up both his legs, putting him into Vanity at its Finest!
Hans points out that Vain doesn’t fully have the move in due to the awkwardness of their positioning, it’s more of a low Boston crab and Vain can’t get his knee into the back. Vain is trying to adjust his leverage without losing the hold, but it doesn’t matter as Gabby connects with a step-up enziguri, breaking the hold and collapsing Vain.
Gabby turns around as Steele springboards into a crossbody tackle, and she wraps her legs around Gabby and flips her over. Steele tries to apply Shipwrecked, but Hide is up and stomps on her to break it up. Hide gutwrenches Gabby up into a powerbomb, then turns his attention to Steele as she goes to kick him, but he catches the leg and sends her sprawling into the corner with the Wheel of Fortune. Hide goes to pull up Vain, but Vain catches him by surprise with the Curtain Call, only for Johnny Bonecrusher to reach through the ropes and pull Hide out before Vain can cover him.
Vain sets up Gabby for the Cherry Popper, but Steele interrupts it with a floatover neckbreaker. She stands up into a kick to the gut from a recovered Gabby. Gabby plants her with the 34DD DDT, and that gets the win!
Winner: Gabrielle Sinn
Time:. 9:27
Director Ooley shows up on the stage and congratulates “Tits Magoo” on her victory. He says he’s always believed in her, and is going to give her a chance to prove it to everyone, as she is officially an Outlast captain.
~Commercial Break~
Phrixus Deimos vs Travis Pierce
We’re treated first to a pair of training montages, first of Pierce practicing various skills he uses in his broadcast career, followed by one of Deimos doing various mundane tasks. With Deimos in the ring and Pierce on his way to it, commentary tells us that following his victory over Vain at Grand Slam, Travis Pierce has been designated as an Outlast captain.
Deimos charges and delivers multiple blows to Pierce, forcing him into the ropes as commentary reminds us of all the history between these two over the years. Deimos whips Pierce across the ring, then charges and spears him to the mat. Deimos hits several mounted punches, then climbs the turnbuckle. Pierce gets up and Deimos goes for a missile dropkick, but Pierce sidesteps it. Deimos scurries up into a hard scoop slam from Pierce. Pierce whips Deimos across the ring, then floors him with a high knee. Deimos tries to get up, and Pierce hits springboard diving facecrusher. Pierce covers for a two count.
Pierce whips Deimos across the ring and goes for a backdrop, but Deimos counters with a facebuster. Deimos pulls Pierce up and shoves him into the corner, stomping away on the rookie. Deimos goes to whip him to the opposite corner, but Pierce reverses it, then follows Deimos, but Deimos reaches the other corner and hits the Fainting! Deimos goes right into the cover, but Pierce shoves Deimos off at two.
Deimos rolls to his feet, but Pierce is back up and hits several right hands on Deimos, backing him into the corner, and Pierce stomps him down. Pierce pulls him out and into a cobra clutch, but Deimos elbows out of it, then kicks him in the chest and hits a DDT. Deimos covers, and Pierce again gets his shoulder up at two.
Deimos starts to pull Pierce up, but Pierce swings his legs around and pull Pierce down into body scissors, and goes for a crossface, but Deimos breaks out of his legs and rolls away. Pierce kicks him in the chest as he is trying to get up and sets up a powerbomb, but Deimos backdrops out of it. Pierce tries to get right up, but Deimos grabs him and goes for the Numbing, but Pierce twists out into an arm drag, only for Deimos to roll directly to his feet and come off the ropes with a spear.
Pierce tries to get back to his feet, but Deimos is behind him and lifts him into the Numbing. Deimos steps through the ropes and climbs the turnbuckle, leaping for the Meteor Press, it connects and that gets the three.
Winner: Phrixus Deimos
Time: 7:07
~Commercial Break~
Ichabod brings Roxy Cotton to the ring for a special announcement.
~Commercial Break~
Dave Rydell, Donovan Hastings, and Travis Roberts vs Konrad Raab, Sebastian Everett-Bryce III, and Sloane Taylor
Travis Robert demands to start the match, shoving an eager Dave Rydell out of the ring. On the other team a more amicable solution is found as Sebastian is chosen to begin proceedings. It quickly becomes apparent that the younger of the two men has an immediate advantage in speed over Roberts, keeping him at arm’s length for the opening few moments. Occasionally striking at The headliner, but for the most part ducking and diving, avoiding the increasingly erratic swings of ‘The Blessed One’.
As Roberts gets more and more sluggish, SEB tags out to Sloane Taylor, whose speed instantly overwhelms Travis and she manages two successive two-counts off of Head in the Clouds and then Seeing Stars.
Travis manages to avoid another attack and goes towards his corner, his closest ally is Rydell, but he chooses to ignore him and try to get to Donovan instead, that extra second delay is enough For Sloane to catch him with a swinging neckbreaker. However, against Travis’ wishes Dave Rydell manages a blind tag and lays out Sloane before she realises whats going on.
Dave then builds up a head of steam, a blistering succession of kicks and punches causes Sloane to retreat and tag Knorad Raab into the mix. But ‘the Iceman’ can do nothing to stall Rydell’s momentum and he find himself set up waiting for the Virus of Life…
Until Roberts tags himself back in, orders Dave Rydell out of the ring, and then tags Donovan back in without even looking at Raab. Even Donovan is dumbfounded by this move and asks Travis what he is doing, ‘The Headliner’ rolls his eyes and tries to explain, as Donovan just shakes his head at the vulgar language ‘The Headliner’ is choosing to use to describe their partner.
During this time Raab has managed to tag out and SEB, unbeknownst to the Travis and Donovan has entered the ring. Rydell tries to get their attention just as SEB grabs Hastings and rolls him up. Travis does not see this as he turns to Dave and chastises him for interrupting him, oblivious to Sam green completing the 3 count on the surprised Donovan.
Winners: Konrad Raab, Sebastian Everett-Bryce III, and Sloane Taylor
Time: 6:17
Donovan springs up after the count, and asks Travis if he is happy now, before storming off. Dave Rydell just shakes his head and also walks away from Roberts.
Ichabod announces that Sebastian Everett-Bryce III and Konrad Raab are officially the final Outlast captains, joining Sarah Grey-Lacklan, Hide Yamazaki, Travis Pierce, and Gabrielle Sinn.
~Commercial Break~
Angelica Vaughn's proxy vs Kenzi Grey-Lacklan's proxy vs Roxy Cotton's proxy vs Sarah Grey-Lacklan's proxy
Ah, the Main Event. Where we FINALLY….
FINALLY
FINALLY get to see ALL of the #CoolKids face off against each other at the same time!
Sorta?
THUS SPAKE ZARATHUSTRA plays throughout Synergy Arena as Sarah walks down the aisle with Tragik….THE MAGNIFICEEEEEEENT who styles and profiles all the way down. Once in the ring, he tells the dude in control of the music (Kyle? Maybe?) to cut it and then asks all of the trim, athletic, in shape men to SHUT THEIR TRAPS so that he can show ALL of the women what a REAL man looks like. As the Stripper plays, he takes off his robe (sexily!) and shows off a mountain of hairy, sweaty flab.
Thank God that Kenzi made her way down next with Maleek in front of her. They came down to "R.A.K.I.M." by Rakim, which would certainly be the first time that THIS particular match writer ever saw or heard those words, to a nice pop from the crowd! Though, to be honest, it is probably more for this causing the end of the nauseating scene of Tragik running his hands down his fat rolls as anything else. Mr. Zucchini then shows HIS muscles...which actually exist, until some fat dude just kinda shows up? Like, even fatter than Trag? And Angie is in tow, so at least a burst of cheers comes around for the first time in the main event. So at least there’s that?
And then the CHAMPION! The SECOND Triple Champion in UGWC history makes her way down the aisle, as Grand Slam gave Roxy Cotton the unique opportunity to hold the World, Cross-Semicircle, and Chaos championships all at the same time. But for all of her glory, she is VASTLY outshone by the duo of sexitude that is the Disintigrators! The two Big D’s juke and jive down to the ring to a song WAY more modern than they should be using, all things considered, until they enter the ring. But who is going to wrestle for Roxy? Who is going to represent the Triple Champ? Who is going to-
DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE!
Both of the Disintigrators rush forward, holding hands like two road bros would, and take Tragik down with a double clothesline. Outside the ring, Sarah gives Roxy a heated look, but Grand Slamion (see what I did there?) gives her a wide-eyed expression of innocence over the pre-match attack. And that is when everyone in the ring just says “Fuck it,” including the referee, and things get going.
DING! DING! DING!
In true Western wrestling video game style, what we see from these five individuals is nothing but moves on moves with nothing in the way of psychology or game plan. After the double clothesline, the Disintigrators turn their attention to Maleek with kicks to his stomach, the tandem offense too much even for those abs of chocolate steel to push away. The two double him over and snap off a double suplex, which is immediately followed up by taunting and redneck rebel rousing. They follow THAT up by rushing at our resident SJW rep, looking for a double shoulder block, but they are repelled backwards after hitting 300 lbs of energy drinks, Cheetos, and WEED. X-Pro laughs as the biker duo flies off his girth, his giant belly jiggling in a way that gets much more than just Angelica’s margarita swirling!
The big man turns to Angie outside the ring and smiles at her, and the former champ’s face reddens so much that some of the people in the front row have to shield their eyes. He waves at her and she waves back, clearly “not” flirting, and then X-Bro turns back to face his opposition. He slowly meanders over to Tragik, who has just gotten to his sexy feet, and gives him a slow, lumbering chop atop his head. Tragik’s legs go out from under him as if they turned to water and X-Bro rumbles like a bowl full of jelly at looking better right now than he did any other time in his career. He picks Tragik up by his hair and then sends him into the ropes, catching him with a big belly bump as he rebounds, sending him back to the mat. X-Bro turns around to look for approval from Angie again and BLAM!
Big ol’ Size 13 boot to the face as Maleek nails him with a Mafia kick! The big man’s eyes glaze over with the connection and his arms wave wildly in the air as he tries to keep his balance. Maleek hits the ropes and comes back, hitting a shoulder block to try to take him down, but fails. Next to him, Tragik gets to his feet and the two of them hit the ropes and hit a double shoulder block, but X-Bro STILL won’t go down! The Disintigrators are there and finally...FINALLY...X-Bro goes down after the four of them work together and scoop him up and slam him down with a fourway body slam! Everyone holds their back in pain as the behemoth lays spread eagle on the mat, possibly dead?
And then BLAMO! Tragik somehow gets his foot up high enough to catch Maleek with a superkick! He turns around and does a double judo chop to the heads of BOTH Disintigrators and they go DOWN. Tragik then runs against the ropes and promptly falls flat on his face as Roxy Cotton reaches under the ropes and trips him up! Angie’s eyes go wide at the blatant cheating from the champion and looks over to Tragik’s controller-
-but Sar is gone! Angie looks to another corner and Kenzi is gone, too! Angie’s face flares up in both embarrassment and anger as she realizes that the Grey-Lacklans have snuck off to find themselves some alone time for Happy Anniversary Make-Out Session #19 of the evening. She then stomps over to Roxy, looks WAY down at the MUCH shorter Triple Champ, and wags her finger at her. Roxy rolls her eyes and then cheers as the Disintigraters get to their feet and start double teaming Tragik and Maleek with punches, kicks, and stomps. And lots and LOTS of stalling, WOOOOOing and AHHHHHing. The Synergy crowd is clearly getting restless with all of the old school non-action, so as the Grey-Lacklans sneak back into their corners, with Kenzi adjusting her collar to hide bite marks and it looking like Sarah lost an item or two of clothing on their “bathroom break,” the #CoolKids decide to modernize their match. Quick cuts to:
Holy shit! Maleek just did 16 rolling piledrivers on Tragik! And Tragik no-sold ALL of them!
The Disintegrators performed a Magik Killer on X-Bro from the top rope!
All 300+ pounds of X-Bro just did a full double rotation standing shooting star onto Maleek!
CANDAIAN DESTROYERS! EVERYONE JUST DID CANDAIAN DESTROYERS ON THE APRON! THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING!
The crowd goes APE SHIT as all five men immediately get up as if nothing happened! Back into the ring they go and now they are doing 27 superkicks...EACH! OH MY GOD! TRAGIK JUST SUPERKICKED HIMSELF!
Dave Meltzer just gave this match 7 ½ star as the Disintigraters V-Trigger their three opponents six times in seven seconds.
Everyone is out on the mat as the crowd battles themselves for attention with “HOLY SHIT!” “THIS IS AWESOME” and “YOU’VE STILL GOT IT” chants.
Finally, Tragik gets to his feet and starts warming up the band, stomping his feet in the corner. Lord knows WHY he thinks a superkick is going to matter at this stage, since there has been approximately 109 of the already, but he’s going for it. And as he does, he AGAIN finds himself falling face first on the mat. The Grand Slamion is very proud of herself but this time Sarah IS there and now she’s getting in Roxy’s face about it. Kenzi rolls her eyes over the ordeal as Angie heads over and tries to mediate a bit.
Meanwhile, X-Bro us up and slams Maleek onto the mat after a scoop.
Sarah is yelling and screaming and about to be all, “I want to see the manager!” at Roxy as Angie slips in between them.
X-Bro slams Tragik on top of Maleek.
WHAM! Kenzi goes down like that ton of bricks after SEB slams a chair into her leg! Kenzi screams out in pain but everyone is distracted and no one sees the sneak attack!
X-Bro slams Mustang on top of Tragik.
Again and again, SEB slams the chair onto Kenzi’s leg. Three times. Four times. Kenzi screams in pain and SEB smiles down at her and tells her “Happy Anniversary!”
X-Bro slams Steele on top of Mustang.
Sarah screams as she turns around and sees what is happening. She goes running towards Kenzi’s corner. She’s halfway there when Sloane shows up and starts pulling her partner away, her eyes half horrified and half pleased by what he’s done.
X-Bro starts to climb the ropes. It...well...it take a long time. Big boy.
SEB’s face is full of a satisfied and cocky grin as Sloane starts pushing him up the ramp. Sarah falls to her knees and holds Kenzi’s leg as the other two #CoolKids get to them. Sloane and Sarah lock eyes as she finally gets SEB up the ramp and EMTs start making their way down to help out the Cooperative Champion.
X-Bro plummets off the top rope and SLAMS down onto all four of his opponents. The impact causes the entire Synergy Arena to shake, and the ref is there to count all FOUR of their shoulders down.
1!
2!
3!
Winner: X-Bro 420
X-Bro gets to his feet and raises his arms, the BIGGEST victory of his ENTIRE career!
And no one even notices.
EMTs are helping Kenzi onto a gurney as Roxy stands guard and Angie hold’s a screaming and clawing Sarah back from going up the ramp. Sarah and Sloane’s eyes meet again before Sloane follows very smug SEB into the back and Sarah pushes Angie away and then starts yelling at the EMTs to be carefully with her spouse.
End Show
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