Battleground 2009 Results

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

The opening riff of Union Undergrounds South Texas Deathride filter through the TV Screen as the GIW Logo appears on screen, we then cut to the inside of the packed AT&T Center in San Antonio Texas, a shot of the formidable Battleground Structure suspended above the ring, and then it cuts to a montage video that plays as the lyrics are spat out.

Take a look in my mind and justify

Mickey Dragon stares directly into the camera, sick smile spread across his face.

Hell, I might even sympathize

Jezebel Saint being overpowered by the chloroform rag, struggling and then going limp.

Why must you fuck with these things in my head for so long that I feel I could break

Dirge lying lacerated and broken on the concrete, shards of glass surrounding him, and then a quick shot of Raenius’ mask, emotionlessly staring at the camera.

Never forget your lies, Hypocrisize, Five million might change your mind

Travis Roberts and Moss Edwards face to face on the last episode of Sentinel.

Why must you fuck with these things in my head for so long that I feel I could break

Prescott and Savana stumbling around the backstage area as Alex Kiseragi and Brandon Brown look on with disapproving looks on their faces.

So c'mon c'mon c'mon get up get up
So c'mon c'mon c'mon get up get up

JK & Montana are both seen launching themselves from the top turnbuckle.

So c'mon c'mon c'mon get up get up,
South Texas deathride you motherfuck

‘The Monster’ Dredd is seen sitting at a bar, and then it flashes to him delivering the Concrete Piledriver.

c'mon c'mon c'mon get up get up
South Texas man I'm livin' it up

Nathan Korpi is seen being harassed by the Luchadore incarnation of KvK, then he’s delivering the Crash Course in Brain Surgery.

So c'mon c'mon c'mon get up get up
South Texas deathride you motherfuck

Chassie Fear is seen brushing Hayleigh’s hair, distractedly, as she stares into her own eyes in the mirror.

So what if I was your guide, South Texas deathride
Like I said I might sympathize

Lord Donovan Hastings is seen being hurled into the barbed wire at last year’s Battleground, and then sitting on a chair across the throat of William Everknight.

Why must you fuck with these things I believe
Man it's guilt by association

Old Lady Levene is seen holding a microphone laying down the law, and then sitting next to the hospital bed of the unconscious Tate Levene, the clock on the wall to the back says Sunday September 6th.

We cut back to the arena, and the pyrotechnics on the huge Pay-Per-View stage erupt and the crowd goes wild. Battleground has begun.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: Welcome to Battleground 2009, live from the AT&T Center in San Antonio Texas. We have to start on some worrying news, Tate Levene is still in hospital in critical condition following a gunshot wound suffered yesterday.

Hanson: When you said worrying news I thought it had something to do with ‘The Headliner’ Nick, thank god it wasn’t.

Vinegar: Well Travis Roberts is somewhat responsible for what happened...

Hanson: It was an accident Dan, can’t say the tubby little grease ball didn’t deser...

Vinegar: Don’t just don’t say it, I don’t want the show starting in such a manner. Let’s just focus on the great show we have in store for you tonight.

Hanson: Yeah, ‘The Headliner’ and ‘The Lord Chief’ will reign supreme over all tonight...

Vinegar: We’ll just have to wait and see, but for those that did not catch last year’s Battleground Match, tonight’s main event is something to be seen to be believed. Tate Levene probably won’t be the only person in a hospital bed by the time the night is over...not even last years winner, Randy Boolzian, managed to avoid that in 2008.

Hanson: And this year he won’t even make the matcgh, instead he’s sat in some grotty Japanese jail cell being Molested by Komosubes bigger, more homosexual, brother...

Vinegar: We don’t know that for sure...

Hanson: A man can hope, don’t shatter my dreams.

Vinegar: you dream about that?

Hanson: I dream about Yo Momma...

Vinegar: I worry about you Dan, have I told you that?

Hanson: many times, it’s beginning to get a little boring...

Vinegar: As are the Momma comments, but regardless aside from possibly the biggest challenge in the careers of Chassie, Fear, William Everknight, Donovan Hastings, Chinatsu Chen and Raenius is only a few hours away, and if last year is anything to go by it promises to be brutal.

Hanson: that much is...Inevitable.

Vinegar: Good drop in.

Hanson: I thought so.

Vinegar: We’ll also see if Moss Edwards can be the man to halt Travis Roberts’ record breaking Unified Global Championship reign...

Hanson: The Auteur doesn’t stand a cance, he’s been too busy playing games with Randy Boolzian, ‘The Headliner’ will probably break more records with the quickest defence of his title...

Vinegar: We’ll have to wait and see about that, we’ve also got the Tag team Championships on the line, with Alex Kiseragi and Brandon Brown facing off against Andy Savana and Declan Prescott...

Hanson: And we’ll see tonight, Declan reveal his elaborate plans to the world...

Vinegar: Plans?

Hanson: Oh come on, this useless drunken Dylan James wannabe persona is obviously a cover for yet another one of his masterplans.

Vinegar: Sure it is, we’ll also see Salem battle Mickey Dragon for the freedom of Jezebel Saint...

Hanson: A good cause to fight for, you seen her in a bodice?

Vinegar: Yes, yes I have.

Hanson: Pervert.

Vinegar: WHA...Oh never mind, but we’re going to start of tonight with a match for the GIW.com Title, that was vacated last week when Old Lady Levene controversially stripped William Everknight of it.

Hanson: There was nothing controversial about it; he assaulted an innocent bystander, who also happened to be a woman. Is that really the kind of man we want representing this company’s Internet exploits...

Vinegar: Either way the four guys we’re about to see didn’t have any idea until a week ago they were going to have a shot at a title this weekend. What an opportunity for these guys.

Dennis: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Battleground. Tonight’s first match is a Hardcore Match, and is for the GIW.Com Championship...

“Storm Front”

Dennis: Introducing first, from Townsville North Queensland, Australia, he is The Cyclone, JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

The arena goes deadly silent as the GlobaTron goes to a blank screen. Then out of nowhere "Storm Front" hits the P.A system as the lights flicker to green and gold. JK walks through the curtain and out onto the entrance way. JK looks up at the fans as he holds up an open hand, showing all fingers and the thumb, cueing fireworks to go off in set locations around the arena.#

Vinegar: Has anyone had more GIW.com Championship Shots than JK?

Hanson: How the hell should I know, you think I pay attention to anything this guy does?

Vinegar: That might not be syuch a bad thing, he’s apparently a spy or something now.

Hanson: A spy? Seriously? Him?

Vinegar: Thats the information I have, but not a lot of people know too much...I may ahve it wrong. Nevertheless he’s had a fair few shots at this title, and tonight be just about his ebst chance to date, Hardcore Rules, they generally even the playing field...

Hanson: Unless you’re a teenage kid and your opponent happens to be a fully grown beast of a man...

“All Nightmare Long”

Hanson: Ah...

Dennis: And introducing next, from The Twin Cities, Minnesota, he is The Nordic Horror, NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATHAN KOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORPIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!

The intro to Metallica’s anthemic “All Nightmare Long” builds slowly, the initial slow-tempo low-end noodling eventually being replaced by guitar and drums at a frantic pace that belies the fact that 3/4 of this band has been at this for the better part of thirty years.

The long-awaited full brunt of the song hits after more than a full minute of intro, punctuated by a respectable amount of fireworks from the entryway. Nathan Korpi emerges from behind the curtain, and stands on the ramp with hands on his hips. He stands there looking around at the crowd for several moments, smiling like a big kid, pointing at fans here and there. The song continues, a catchy groove that goes on for another half minute or so.

With a satisfied nod, Nate begins to make his way slowly down the entrance ramp towards the ring. He pauses here and there to smack hands with whichever fans care enough to hold theirs out. His progress is slow, since he allows fans plenty of time for people to make up their minds about whether or not his friendly demeanor overcomes his long hair, thick bushy beard, and horribly offensive death metal t-shirt.

Hanson: JK, could be in trouble...

Vinegar: Well it does seem Korpi will have the advantage between the two of them, hardcore will help the fact he is still fairly green inside the ring, but don’t forget there are two other competitors.

Hanson: So JK’s screwed? Poor kid, he tries so hard, but he’s destined to get his ass beat on...

Vinegar: Seriously, he’s got talent, and if any of his opponents underestimate the ‘kid’ tonight, he may well walk out with his first piece of GIW Silverware. Korpi though has gotta have the advantage and be a strong favourite for this match, working on Nightclub doors for a while, he’ll undoubtedly seen his fair share of ‘hardcore’ action...

“Simple Man”

Dennis: And introducing next, from Houston, Texas, The Fierce Warrior, ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBERT MOOOOONTAAAAAAAANAAAAA!!!!

Vinegar: The fans are on their feet for this state compatriot, who in his first month in GIW has had shots at nearly everything apart from the Unified Global Championship...

Hanson: Must be down to family influence...

Vinegar: I’m not sure Anthony has that much pull in GIW...

Hanson: Not him, his sister...

Vinegar: Who?

Hanson: Hanna.

Vinegar: Who?

Hanson: Oh get with the times Nicky boy, Hanna Montana, she’s like a HUGE singer nowadays, she’s even had a hit movie...

Vinegar: I think you’ll find that she’s a created character...

Hanson: And your point?

Vinegar: She doesn’t really exist...

Hanson: Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

Dennis: And introducing finally, from Manhattan, New York, but residing in Deep Elum, texas....’The Monster’ DREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!

Vinegar: He may only reside in Texas, but these fans are greeting him as though he was born and raised right here in San Antonio, this is Dredds first PPV since No Holds Barred in Tokyo....and it could be one hell of a return to the company.

Hanson: if those creaking limbs of his can keep up with the pace. Ordinarily I’d have JK down as a dead man, but he may just be able to cause Dredd to snap an arthritic limb in their somehow...

Vinegar: Nathan Korpi is keeping his eyes on The Monster as Dredd stalks to the ring...

Hanson: Thats professional instinct that is, Nathan has been trained to keep guys like Dredd from stumbling into the doors he has stood on...folks like Dredd are not good for business....unless ya happen to be in the wrasslin’ business...

Hanson: And now all four guys are in the ring.

Vinegar: Owen Peterson signals for the bell, and this match is underway, and ‘The Nordic Horror’ is straight out of the ring and looking for a weapon underneath it, whilst Dredd just steps through Robert Montana with a huge Big Boot...

Hanson: But JK springs off the ropes and aims a low dropkick at Dredd’s knee’s,. Which are notoriously dodgy, and takes ‘The Monster’ down to one of them...

Vinegar: Only for Nathan Korpi to re-enter the ring and blast ‘The Cyclone’ in the face with a piece of piping he found underneath the ring...

Hanson: Dredd recover, and dodges Nate’s swing with the pole, and blasts him in the gut with a swift uppercut, and then knocks KvK’s apprentice to the floor with a short arm clothesline...

Vinegar: Montana is back to his feet and approaches ‘The Monster’ from behind, but Dredd catches him by thrusting his elbow backwards, knocking Montana straight back down...

Hanson: JK now rolls out of the ring, using the apron for support as he recovers from that steel pipe shot.

Vinegar: And Dredd drags Korpi to his feet using his hair and whips him to the ropes, catches him and drops him with a sidewalk slam, directly onto the metal piping...Korpi arches his back in pain as Dredd takes his time getting to his feet...

Hanson: now JK is looking around for something to use...

Vinegar: And Dredd has just stomped on Korpi’s midsection, driving that back into the piping once more...

Hanson: Jk though has found himself a chair, and is climbing the ropes, unbeknownst to Dredd...

Vinegar: Who turns around too late...

Hanson: To see JK fly off the ropes, and in mid air he throws the chair to Dredd...

Vinegar: Who catches it...

Hanson: And ‘The Monster’ is forced to eat the chair and a missile dropkick at the same time...

Vinegar: And ‘The Cyclone’ goes for the quick pin...

1...

2...

Vinegar: DYLAN JAMES!!!

Hanson: Oh dear.

Vinegar: From out of the crowd, Dylan James has run into the ring and pulled JK off the downed Dredd, and breaks the count. JK had this won....

Hanson: And now he kicks JK in the gut...

Vinegar:RETURN TO GRACE!!!

Hanson: JK is the first man to feel the return of Dylan James, and I gotta admit, I never thought it would end up being this important!

Vinegar: And now Dylan James rolls out of the ring, gesturing to the baying fans, with a smile of self satisfied contentment on his face...

Hanson: He’s certainly grown since we last saw him...his forehead has at least.

Hanson: Wait...he’s not finished, he cupped his ear to the crowd...and now he’s climbed the ropes, and points at the stirring Robert Montana....

Vinegar: WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE!!!

Hanson: How the hell do you know the names of these moves when he hasn’t even debuted them yet...

Vinegar: I do my research...but now Dylan James is finally making his way backstage as Dredd and Nathan Korpi both get back to their feet, both somewhat confused by why the match is still going....

Hanson: Notice how he picked on the two smallest guys in the match....I think I like James’ style....

Vinegar: Dredd just shakes his head at the sight of Dylan James...but his distraction allows Korpi to pick up that piping and lunge it into the midsection of ‘The Monster’ who rocks backwards into the ropes...and Korpi launches himself, and sends both up and over the ropes and to the concrete floor....

Hanson: Nate landing ontop of Dredd, and recovers with speed, to lay into Dredd with some stuiff rights and lefts to the skull...

Vinegar: Meanwhile ‘The Cyclone’ has finally come round, and he see’s Dylan James heading to the backstage area....and just dashes after him...

Hanson: Well that was dumb, he could have pinned Montana first...sure DJ screwed him initially, but now he’s just gone and screwed himself...

Vinegar: Korpi is now dragging Dredd to the ring post, and goes to slam ‘The Monsters’ head into it....

Hanson: But Dredd blocks with one arm, elbows Nate in the stomach, then grabs ‘The Nordic Horror’ by the hair, and smashes his ehad into the steel, once...twice...three times...

Vinegar: Blood! Korpi is the first person to spill blood at Battleground 2009, and you can be sure you’ll see more tonight...

Hanson: Dredd now rolls Korpi into the ring...

Vinegar: As Dredd gets in himself, Montana is back on his feet and he runs at ‘The Monster’...

Hanson: Who sidesteps and just tosses him over the top rope and to the concrete floor outside...

Vinegar: As Korpi gets to his feet....spins Dredd around....CRASH COURSE IN BRAIN SURGER...

Hanson: NO! Dredd manages to break Nates hold on him...and then grabs him around the throat...BROKEN SPHERE! COVER

1...


2...


3!!!!

Dennis: HERE IS YOUR WINNER AND NEW[/i] GIW.COM CHAMPION...DREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDD!!!

Vinegar: WHAT A RETURN FOR DREDD, THE CROWD ARE LOVING IT!

Hanson: Korpi is not, he went for his big move too early, and was made to pay, a rookie mistake cost him the match...

Vinegar: This match has been the story of two returning GIW Stars, Dylan James cost JK the match, but it’s GIW’s veteran grappler, ‘The Monster’ Dredd who gets his hands on his first piece of GIW gold in his first match in months...what a start to the night, and there is more to come...

’The Monster’ Dredd: 6

Nathan Korpi: 4

‘The Cyclone’ JK: 3

Robert ‘The Fierce Warrior’ Montana: 1

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

The camera cuts to the backstage area, a locker room, specifically the locker room of one Mickey Dragon. The locker room is nothing special really, just a locker room; the occupants of the room are actually what catches attention. Dragon stalks back and forth, his path bringing him between a bench holding up a black duffel bag full of what looks to be duct tape and other various types of restraints, and a chair with a woman slumped over in it. Her position looks very uncomfortable, limp and lifeless as she is, her long red hair falling over her very pale face. She doesn’t even appear to be breathing. Dragon rummages through the duffel bag, mumbling to himself as he pulls out some leg restraints and, moving over to her, straps her legs none too gently to the chair. She moans softly as he jerks her leg where he wants it. Dragon smiles up at her as he finishes and moves back to his bag of tricks.

“This is it, Mommy. Time to see what all our hard work and therapy sessions have accomplished. Won’t they be surprised when they see you? If they see you. I’m hoping to take you back home with me. We haven’t had much time together, you and I.”

Dragon turns his attention back to the bag and fishes through it again, glancing at and deciding against various instruments of torture, throwing them over his shoulder as he continues his search. Finally he finds what he wants and with a sadistic grin, he moves over behind her, cruelly yanking her arms behind her back and fastening them to the chair. She lets out a gasp, but her weakness shows as she is unable to do more than that, her head hanging limp on her chest. As Dragon finishes with the restraints, he reaches forward and wraps a hand in her hair, gripping tightly as his mouth nears her ear.

“We’ll have all the time in the world once I finish with Salem, Mommy. All the time in the world.”

The last few words are said through gritted teeth, the venom blatant in his words. He shoves her head away from him and grins to himself when he hears a muffled sob.

“Now you behave yourself, Mommy. Don’t disappoint me.”

Dragon turns and moves toward the door glancing over his shoulder long enough to blow her a kiss before opening the door and closing it behind him, locking it quickly and jiggling the handle to make sure it really is locked. He gives a cocky smile to the camera, flipping the key in the air before catching it in his fist and making his way toward the ring and the match that awaits.

Vinegar: I don’t know if you people at home saw all of that, but the stakes for this match have just been raised.

Hanson: Who ever wins the match gets to decide Jezebel Saint’s fate. Hey, does that mean if I sneak in and pick up the pin, she’d have to go out with me?

Vinegar: Better than what Mickey Dragon has in mind.

Mitchell: The following match is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from Las Vegas Nevada, The Head Trip, MICKEEEEEEY DRAAAAAGON!

Complete darkness. Avenged Sevenfold slowly introducing elements of sound. Blinding flashes of white. Mickey Dragon rising from the entrance platform, soaking in the crowd’s disgusted reaction to what they just saw transpire. As the song continues, he marches down the ramp, returning hatred to the crowd with his every glare. He climbs into the ring, triggering flames to erupt from the corners. He tosses the key to an appalled referee Hazel East, who puts it in her back pocket for safe keeping. Then Mickey slumps down in the corner, sick grin plastered across his face.

Mitchell: And his opponent, from Slaughter Swamp, South Carolina, The Horror Show, SAAAAAAAALLLEEEEEEM!

Smoke seeps out through the arena while the GlobalTron shows images of fire and occult symbols. The deafening sound of Crowbar incites uniform cheers throughout the crowd, no mixed messages tonight. Salem steps through the fog, adorned by his coat and pirate flag, and special for tonight, a more demonic metal-plated mask. He trudges down the ramp, tosses the flag into the crowd, and leaves his coat in a heap on the ramp. He climbs into the ring, focusing on Dragon the entire way.

Vinegar: It must be killing him, to think of what Mickey has already done to someone who’s closer to him than family.

Hanson: How do you think Hazel East feels right now, knowing that the fate of Jezebel Saint is in her hands, or at least her bum pocket? Lucky key.

Mitchell: Watch it.

Hanson: Sorry.

Vinegar: Hazel is always a dedicated professional inside the ring, but you’re right Daniel, it can’t be easy knowing what hangs in the balance tonight. Mickey Dragon pulls himself off the mat, that smirk still fully in place.

Hanson: Alright Nick, what’s that old man saying for a big nasty brawl?

Vinegar: Bowling shoe ugly.

Hanson: Yep, that’s what this is going to be.

Vinegar: I still don’t like it. But regardless of how I feel, there’s the bell. And Salem right off the bat charging The Head Trip, taking him to the mat and unloading on him with rights and lefts!

Hanson: And now throwing in some knees and stomps, he is simply unloading frustrations right now. But don’t be fooled, Nick, both of these men are also highly skilled technicians. Which only makes them that much more dangerous.

Vinegar: We may get an example of that right now, Daniel, the Horror Show lifts Mickey off the mat in a front face lock.. And look at the strength, as he lifts Mickey and holds him aloft effortlessly.

Hanson: But he puts The Head Trip back onto the mat and drills him with a reverse DDT. Followed up by a knee drop across the throat. It feels strange calling a match between any of these guys now without having drunks join us at the announce table.

Vinegar: Under the circumstances, it’s probably for the best. Zombie Jesus picking Mickey up again and whipping him into the ropes. Going for the big boot!

Hanson: The Head Trip ducks, nice ring presence on display there, now coming off the other side, The Dragon goes flying with a lariat!

Vinegar: The larger man does not budge! Salem catching Mickey in midair, and dropping him in a uranage backbreaker!

Hanson: He just picks up the man by his head, that’s nearly a vice grip, shades of Brian Adams. Not the singer. Although that guy got me laid consistently in the 90s.

Vinegar: That’s no small feat.

Hanson: Headbutt! Salem using that metal mask to his advantage. And a second one! A third, that’s almost a foreign object.

Vinegar: Mickey Dragon trying to fight his way out, throwing punches to the midsection, but Salem responds with a flurry of those head butts! Hazel East giving him the count to release the hold.

Hanson: Salem has to remember that as much as he want so to hurt Mickey, this is not a hardcore match. If he gets DQ’d, Jezebel Saint slips out of his grasp.

Vinegar: He lets go of Mickey’s head, but The Head Trip’s body just slumps to the ground. It looks like those shots may have opened up his forehead.

Hanson: And Salem’s just like a shark. He’s right back on him.

Vinegar: Zombie Jesus digging into that fresh wound, fish-hooking Mickey’s forehead with one hand and raining down blows with the other.

Hanson: Look at the way he’s using his fist, making sure his knuckle bones scrape into the flesh. And the effect is obvious as the crimson starts to trickle down Mickey’s face.

Vinegar: Hazel enforcing another clean break.

Hanson: That sick smile hasn’t left Mickey’s face this entire match, Nick. He’s loving this.

Vinegar: Mickey Dragon, bleeding like a stuck pig but he manages to pull himself up into the corner. Salem charging, but the Head Trip lifts up his feet, catching the larger man square in the jaw. He shrugs it off and charges again.

Hanson: The song remains the same, Mickey Dragon greeting him with a solid kick. And now a clothesline out of the corner, the Head Trip is not out of this fight yet.

Vinegar: The Head Trip ducking a wild swing, and capitalizes with that jawbreaker. The Witch King is reeling and Mickey hit’s the ropes, springboard enziguri kick!

Hanson: Salem’s running on emotion, though, that kick only took him down to a knee.

Vinegar: The Head Trip rebounding off the ropes again, and drives his foot directly into the back of Salem’s head and down into the mat! A drive-by curb stomp, if you will.

Hanson: Evil intentions from Mickey Dragon as he scales the ropes. He’s waiting for Salem to roll onto his back. Moonsault! And he hooks the leg!

1!

2!

Vinegar: Kick out at two, Hazel’s face was telling the story there. Whatever motives Mickey Dragon’s twisted mind concocted to justify the kidnapping of Jezebel Saint, no one would knowingly sentence her to stay in his captivity.

Hanson: Both men to their feet, Salem goes for the boot!

Vinegar: Mickey had it scouted, he catches the foot easily, and drives his elbow down into the knee.

Hanson: We mentioned the power of Salem, but how about the strength of Mickey? He picks 300 plus pounds up onto his shoulders.

Vinegar: Death Valley Driver! Followed by another pin attempt.

1!

2!

Hanson: Another two count, Hazel’s hand was only inches away from giving the keys to Mickey Dragon.

Vinegar: The Head Trip looking to whip Salem into the corner. Zombie Jesus resisting, and whips Mickey around to the opposite corner! NO! Hazel sandwiched between him and the post!

Hanson: And those monsters can’t even pull themselves away from their brawling to check on her!

Vinegar: Mickey Dragon with a big dropkick, and Salem falls back into the ropes!

Hanson: His arms are caught! Andre the Giant style! Serves him right for attacking a lovely, soft, sensuous…

Mitchell: What is wrong with you? I’m right here.

Hanson: Sorry. The H Train’s been riding solo for a little while.

Mitchell: How is that different from usual?

Hanson: Fuck you. You’re just lucky I never tried to tame that philly.

Mitchell: Yeah. I lay awake at night.

Vinegar: Salem is stuck in those ring ropes, and Mickey Dragon is….removing his mask! Salem kicking and struggling, but he can’t stop The Head Trip. Now laying into Zombie Jesus with brutal rights and lefts.

Hanson: He’s using Salem’s face as his personal punching bag. But I don’t think he’s quite satisfied yet.

Vinegar: Indeed not, Daniel. He’s picking up that mask, and he smashes Salem upside the head! Mickey Dragon is beating Salem with his own metal mask, and swinging for the fences!

Hanson: That last shot just busted The Witch King’s head wide open!

Vinegar: Mickey tosses the mask to the side, and drives his elbow into that new wound!

Hanson: Both of these men are experienced in this hardcore style, they know that it’s all about increasing the pain, increasing the blood loss, anything that will weaken your opponent.

Vinegar: Hazel getting back to her feet now, and she’s telling Mickey to step off the ropes. Finally Salem’s arms are freed, but the damage has been done. Blood is streaming down both men’s faces.

Hanson: Dragon coming back to dish out more punishment, Salem with a backdrop over the top rope, that may have been more instinctual than anything else.

Vinegar: Salem shakes off the cobwebs and follows Dragon out to the floor. He slams him hard onto the ground.

Hanson: The floor padding absorbs a bit of the shock, it’s not much but when you’re getting slammed like that, you’re thankful for anything you can get. I mention this, because it looks like Salem is ripping the pads off the floor. And he has Mickey in prime DVD position!

1!

Vinegar: He’s going to drop him onto the cold hard concrete, but Mickey wriggles free, and grabs Salem for a DDT.

Hanson: A DVD reversed into a DDT?

2!

Vinegar: Salem counters with a Manhattan Drop, and a clothesline!

3!

Vinegar: Now Salem going for a power bomb, he has Dragon up on his shoulders!

4!

Hanson: Mickey swings himself around and lands on the ground behind Zombie Jesus. A boot to the midsection…HOLY SHIT!

5!

Vinegar: EGO DEATH! SALEM’S HEAD IS DRIVEN DIRECTLY INTO THE EXPOSED, UNFORGIVING CONCRETE!!

6!

Hanson: That makes my neck tingle, Nick. This is the kind of thing that ends careers…if you’re lucky.

Vinegar: This is not good. The White Trash Messiah is not moving. Not moving at all.

Hanson: Maybe he can race wheelchairs with Osiris.

7!

Vinegar: Mickey Dragon struggling to get Salem back into the ring, that’s over three hundred pounds of pure dead weight, but he manages to get him up onto the apron. Now he rolls in and drags him the rest of the way.

Hanson: Like dragging a corpse.

Vinegar: Now Dragon, that sick twisted individual, he’s asking Hazel East for the key already. And he’s dangling it over Salem’s bloody face and mocking him. Finally, he lays an arm across his chest for the pin.

Hanson: Guess I’ll never see Jezebel’s cleavage again. This is truly a sad day.

Vinegar: Hazel looks like she’s going to be ill as she gets in position to count the fall.

One!


Two!



Thr…OH MY GOD!

Vinegar: Salem gets a shoulder up! Mickey tosses the keys back to Hazel.

Hanson: If that was anything less than a 2.9 count, I’d be surprised. But the scary part is, I think Mickey was trying to motivate Salem so he could dish out some more punishment. He could have left him outside to get the count out. He could have pinned him right away instead of mocking him. He wanted this match to continue.

Vinegar: I don’t know how it can, though. Salem can only crawl along the mat, he’s struggling just to make it up to his knee.

Hanson: And Dragon is waiting for that to happen, because he’s setting up for the trademark move of Global Impact Wrestling. Here it comes. SHIIIIIINIIIIIING WIIIIZAAARD!

Vinegar: Salem picks his metal mask off the mat and holds it up to block the knee of The Head Trip! Now both men are trying to hobble to their feet!

Hanson: Salem relying on adrenaline, he manages to grab hold of Dragon.

Vinegar: THE GRINDHOUSE! Pin him, dammit, a life hangs in the balance.

1!

2!



3!

Mitchell: Here is your winner, SAAAAALLLLLEEEM!

Vinegar: With his mask in one hand and the Jez’s freedom in the other, a bloody and battered Salem beats a quick retreat towards the back.

Hanson: And that sick smile still hasn’t left Mickey Dragon’s bloody face. When you just love pain, wins and losses don’t matter.

Vinegar: It mattered to Salem...and here comes Jet Somers and Nathan Korpi! Hazel East has barely gotten the winning decision out and they’re already running to the ringside!

Hanson: Go guys go! Get Jezebel back!

Jet and Nate slide into the ring and get Salem to his feet, pushing him towards Hazel East and demanding the key. East holds one hand up to ward them off as she fumbles in her pockets for the requested item. Finding it, she thrusts it towards them and three pairs of hands grab for it, fumbling, but Salem comes out the winner and the three rush from the ring to the backstage area.

Vinegar: Let’s get some cameras backstage to see what’s going on.

Hanson: Move, let’s go, it’s been too long since I’ve seen that fire headed vixen!

Vinegar: You really are a sad, sad man…

The voices of the announcers cut out as Salem, Somers, and Korpi charge through the backstage area, shoving various people out of the way in their mad dash to Dragon’s locker room. Somers gets there first and Salem tosses the key to him as he fumbles with the lock. All three hold their breath as they half expect it to be the wrong key, but the lock clicks open and they shove through the door into the room.

“Jez!” Salem’s voice is hoarse in his throat as he lunges towards her, fumbling with one of the ankle restraints.

“Jet, help me!”

Jet, who had paused in the doorway in shock, snaps out of his trance and rushes forward to help Salem with the restraints. He pauses a moment to look back towards the door and at Nate.

“Nate, keep watch. I don’t trust Dragon not to ambush us.”

Nate simply nods and stands just inside the doorway, muscles tense and alert. Salem looks up for a moment at the redhead falling forward to slump on her chest and panic makes his hands work faster at the buckles and knots. Why isn’t she moving or responding? Finally the two men get her legs free and move around to her side, gently leaning her forward to work at the restraints on her arms behind her back. But there are none.

Surprise shows on the face of The Wild Card and would likely show on the face of Salem as well did he not have a mask concealing his features, as the woman’s arms fly up with lightning speed and both men are hit with simultaneous blasts from the tasers concealed in her hands. Neither has time to make much of a sound as they fall to the floor at her feet, their hands frozen halfway up to clutch their throats. Nate stares at the scene in shock and confusion before his eyes roll back in his head and he pitches forward to join his comrades on the ground. Dragon stands framed in the door, a steel chair clutched in his hands, dented from Nate’s head. He looks into the room and smirks as he tosses the chair haphazardly onto Salem’s prone body, moving forward.

“Did you really think it would be this easy, Salem? I mean, really? Did you think I would give her up just like that when I don’t have to? I have to admit it was fun seeing you get yourself all worked up at the thought of getting her back, but that won’t be happening anytime soon. I’m having too much fun.”

The redhaired woman moves towards Dragon and flips the hair out of her face, revealing Dr. Torres in a wig. She smiles saucily at Dragon.

“Told you they would fall for it. They wanted it so bad, but I’m afraid Ms. Saint isn’t quite ready to be discharged just yet. So much work to do.”

She pulls the red wig off of her head and drops it between the bodies of Jet and Salem. She and Dragon survey the damage before moving out the door of the locker room. Just then, KvK comes around the corner and, seeing them coming out of the locker room, rushes forward. Dragon and Torres, who have moved further down the hallway, turn back to watch the surprise unfold. They don’t have long to wait as KvK rushes into the locker room.

“What the fuck?!”

KvK rushes back out of the locker room, the anger plain on his face.

“A deal’s a deal, motherfucker, now hand over Red, goddamn you!”

Mickey Dragon laughs at him.

“I’m afraid Mommy isn’t quite where she needs to be and she has to stay a little while longer. But don’t worry, I’m taking good care of her.”

At his words, Klaus pulls his claw hammer out of God knows where, but doesn’t get to use it as Dragon and Torres back off down the hall, cackling like hyenas. The breath that he had been holding for the throw escapes through pursed lips and he stands there for a moment as everything sinks in. With a hopeless sigh, he turns to go back into the locker room where even now Salem and Jet are regaining their composure. Salem looks to his friend.

“Jezebel?”

KvK clears his throat, hating to be the bearer of bad news.
“She was never here. Dragon had no intention of handing her over. It was all a setup.”

He, Salem, and Jet share a look before the camera fades out and that look can only be summed up with one word: retribution.

Salem: 9
Mickey Dragon: 5

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Komosube is seen walking up the the ticket-holders, the small, cheddar-haired, freckled youth gawking up at the Sumo, it clear that the boy was happy he was behind bullet-proof glass.

Youth: Uhmmm....S...S...Sir?(he couldn't help his voice from cracking.)

Komosube(In halted English): Tick-it...prease.

Komosube sneers down at the youth and pulls the money from his black bomber-like jacket, and the youth nods and gulps.

Youth: Uhmmmm...what seat?

Komosube: F'ont.......wrow.

Youth: Someone has just walked out in anticipation of the next match, so luckily one is available...

And with that, Komosube walks through the halls, and makes his own way to the front row seats, ignoring the shrieking fans, just sitting, his face emotionless, eyes glued to the action. As we return to Nick and Dan

Vinegar: Now after the emotional drama with Mickey Dragon, and the surprise of those events it’s time for something a little...lighter!

Hanson: You have no idea how deep this is going to be, it’s gonna be existential!

Vinegar: No, no, ‘The Headliners’ match isn’t next...next is the Tag team Championship match...

Hanson: I know, that’s what I’m talking about...it’s gonna be great, the unveiling of Declan Prescotts masterpla...

Vinegar: Really? Doesn’t even your eternal optimism for your favourites waver in the face of this...I mean you must be the only person in the building with any interest in how this match will end, the rest of us know...

Hanson: I know how it will end too, with Declan Prescott and Andy Savana being the official GIW Tag Team Champions...

Vinegar: You are insufferable...

Hanson: Just because you know I’m right, The Brown Dragon’s don’t stand a chance tonight.

Vinegar: Seriously the only question is how they finish this off, Double GTS? Double Superkicks?

Hanson: You are living in a dream world Nick...

Dennis: Ladies and Gentlemen, the next match is scheduled for one fall and is for the GIW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS!!!!

Hanson: It’s TIME BABY!!!!

Dennis: Seriously Dan, settle down, most of the fans have made their way to the hotdog stand...

“The Little Things”

Dennis: Introducing first, DEEEEEEECLAAAAAN PREEESSSSSCOTTT AND ANDDDDDDYYYYYY SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVAAAAAAAAAAANAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Vinegar: The Self Proclaimed ‘GIW Tag Team Champions’ stumble onto the stage, both arguing over the same bottle of malt whisky, despite the fact both men have many bottles in their wretched overcoats, and the fans...well the handful of fans still in attendance, sound their displeasure...OK thats wrong too...they’re laughing...

Hanson: They’ll be laughing on the other side of their faces by the end of this match...

Vinegar: If they stay that long...Oh...Oh...I think they both simultaneously soiled themselves after the bottle they were struggling over slips from both their grasp and smashes to the floor...

Hanson: it’s all part of the act Nick, all part of the act.

Vinegar: And now they are both on all fours licking the liquid from the ramp way...and now both are clutching their mouths as blood pours from them after cutting their tongues on the shards of glass...and now they decide to make their way to the ring....

Hanson: This is the most masterful of distraction techniques, when the reveal coems you are all gonna feel so stupid...

Vinegar: Whilst I thought it was a bad thing that the fans had cleared out, it proves to be a good thing as Savana doubles over the guard rail and vomits into the arena, and a thankfully empty seat...and on seeing this Declan follows suit on the parallel side of the entranceway...

Hanson: Even during the act these guys work together like an awesome team...

Vinegar: And now Savana has tripped over Declan’s trailing foot and slammed his head into the guard rail, and there is some more blood...that’s gotta be the first time someone has been busted open before they have even reached the ring or seen their opponents!

Hanson: it’s masterful, this is just genius, how they keep this up week in week out I’ll never know...

Vinegar: They’ve finally reached the ring apron, and Savana is trying to drag himself onto the apron with the bottom rope, but he’s having trouble actually getting hold of it, he is just grasping at air at the moment...Declan just laughs and heads to the stairs, before spilling head first into them after tripping over his own foot...and now he’s busted open...

Hanson: What amazing dedication to his art...

Vinegar: Art?

Hanson: Deception!

Vinegar: Oh yeah...that! Good thing this is on Pay-Per-View, the fans have already paid their money, and if they are still watching this debacle and haven’t taken the opportunity to visit the bathroom it’s their own fault...and Declan has finally crawled into the ring...

Hanson: Ready for his crowning moment....

Vinegar: No, actually he’s vomiting again, into the corner...

Hanson: Part of the...

Vinegar: Plan...yes I know. Savana has also finally made his way into the ring after he grabbed one of the hundreds of ropes that obviously littered his vision...as Declan turns round and slouches int he turnbuckle...and Savana tries to get to his feet, stumbles and ends up landing face first in Declan’s groin...after a second or so they both realise the position they are in and scramble to their feet, clutching at the ropes...

“Kickstart My heart”

Dennis: And their opponents, The TRUE GIW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS....ALLLLLEEEEEEX KIIIIIIIIISERAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGIII AND BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANDOOOOOOOOOOON BROOOOOOOOOOOWN!!!

Hanson: See they are[/i] worried, why else would they come out together, trying to show the true team they are also unified...

Vinegar: From the expressions on their face as they sidestep the alcohol and glass on the ramp, and raise their eyebrows at one another...Brandon looks at Alex as if he’s expecting something, but Alex shakes his head and they both walk down the ramp...Alex deciding not to go through the usual acrobatics...

Hanson: See he’s scared...they both are...

Vinegar: Sure they are...Now they both walk down to ringside, and A-Kis nods to Komosube who has just taken his ringside seat, as both Brandon and Alex climb into the ring...

Hanson: And they hand they’re titles over to Owen Peterson for the final time...

Vinegar: And Prescott and Savana are now both raising they’re fists and waiving them about whilst running on the spot, comically inviting Brown and A-Kis onto them, before the bell has rung...A-Kis and Brandon look at one another and shrug their shoulders, and stand opposite their rivals...

Hanson: Savana and Prescott charge...here it comes...OH SIDESTEPPED!

Vinegar: I think you’ll find Brandon and Alex didn’t move an inch, just Savana and Prescott in their inebriated states managed to miss two standing targets, and both get tangled in the ropes, half in half out of the ring. A-Kis and Brown just turn around and stare in disbelief at their opponents...

Hanson: Hasn’t Travis Roberts taught you about the skill of lulling your opponents into a false sense of security...

Vinegar: Peterson rings the bell, and tries to get the untangled Savana out of the ring...only to vet a chest covered in vomit, causing him to flail backwards in disgust...

Hanson: and now Declan is crouched over, and looks over at Savana, they both nod...

Vinegar: A-Kis and Brandon just stay rooted to the spot, exchanging raised eyebrows, and they both shrug...

Hanson: DECLAN PRESCOTT AND ANDY SAVANA CHARGE...

Vinegar: Straight into a Double Superkick...and A-Kis and Brandon exchange those tired looks once more, and both drop to the mat to make the cover...and the vomit covered Owen Peterson drops to his knee’s carefully...

1...

2...

3!!!!

“Teahouse”

Dennis: And here are your winners, and STILL GIW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, BRAAAAAAAAAANDON BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN AND ALLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEX KIIIIIIISSSERAAAAAAAAAAAAGIIII!!!!

Hanson: Wha?....No...C’mon...DO SOMETHING!

Vinegar: Kiseragi and Brandon barely even celebrate, they raise the titles in the air in a subdued manner and then climbs out of the ring....and it looks like they’re trying to personally ap;ologise to the fans who stayed in the arena for this...

Hanson: But...but...but...

Vinegar: Oh god, what’s this...

Hanson: It’s a horde, there is no other word, a horde of angry Asian midgets rushing to the ring...and they are engulfing Declan and Andy...

Vinegar: And Alex Kiseragi just looks like he wants to die, or at least get as far away from this as he possibly can, and really who can blame him, he fights past the small individuals that have flooded to ringside, with his head down, and permanently shaking it.

Hanson: THEY’RE KIDNAPPING ANDY SAVANA AND DECLAN PRESCOTT!!! SOMEBODY HAS TO STOP THIS! DO YOU HEAR ME NICK, THEY’RE KIDNAPPING DECLAN!!!

Vinegar: Nobody cares anymore Dan, nobody cares.

Alex Kiseragi & Brandon Brown: 13

Declan Prescott & Andy Savanna: 0

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: What a great night, with the exception of the last 20 minutes or so, we’ve had so far here in San Antonio at the AT&T Center, we’d like to thank our friends at the Union Underground for providing us with our theme for the evening, South Texas Deathride.

Hanson: You know, it’s true what they say? Everything’s bigger in Texas!

Vinegar: Including your ego, but in the meantime, it is time for our co-main event. I hope you've recovered from your earlier dissapointment.

Hanson: How can there be a co-main event? Do they happen at the same time?

Vinegar: I think a match for the World Title should always at least share the top billing.

Hanson: Right, but we’ve still got another match, and that is the main event, cuz it’s last.

Vinegar: Must you argue semantics?

Hanson: Have you met me?

The arena goes dark and silent momentarily, then a solitary spotlight shines near the entrance. A young man who looks like a Newsies extra squats in front of the entryway in the spotlight, holding a clapboard. He shouts action, claps it down, and the slam is punctuated by the entryway exploding in sparks and the first staccato chords of “Dark of the Matinee.” Moss steps through the sparks, followed by his small crew of assistants and his boom mic operator. He wears a Kangol, glasses, and a leather vest. He stands for a moment, surveys the crowd through “shot framing hands” then barks orders at his crew.

Mitchell: The following match is for the Unified Global Heavyweight Championship! Introducing first, from Hollywood, California, weighing in at 180lbs, the Auteur, MOSS EDWAAAAARRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDSS!

Vinegar: For some time now, Moss Edwards had been engaged in a game of one-upmanship with Randy Boolzian, whom we had originally expected to see in the Battleground Match later tonight.

Hanson: But Boolz is gone! Moss wasted all his time and energy on that when he should have been focused on Travis! You can’t allow yourself to be distracted for even a moment when you’re going to be facing the Headliner, and Moss has been distracted all month!

Vinegar: Well, we all miss Boolz, and I for one think Moss Edwards against Randy Boolzian would have made a great main event for Horizons, and it’s too bad we won’t have a chance to see it.

Hanson: Boolz leaving has nothing to do with that, Nick. Edwards lost before he even showed up here tonight.

“Bummer” hits the PA system, and when the drums begin to play, Travis Roberts steps through the curtain with the Unified Global Heavyweight Title around his waist, and a somber expression on his face.

Mitchell: And his opponent, he is the reigning and defending Global Champion, currently residing in Los Angeles, California, weighing 220lbs, the Headliner, TRAVIS ROBBBBBBBERRRRRRRRRTS!

Vinegar: This is interesting, Travis himself is looking a little distracted, perhaps thinking about the fate of Tate Levene, whom he shot a few days ago.

Hanson: Pssht, Tate had it coming.

Vinegar: I can’t believe you would say that.

Hanson: Really? I figured you would expect it at this point.

Vinegar: I suppose I should, in the meantime Glenn Burke has signaled for the bell, and this match is underway! Tie-up to start the match, Edwards takes the early advantage with an armdrag takeover, going for an armbar, but Roberts twists out and escapes.

Hanson: Hmm, going with the TRLAOCIAFSOS right off the bat, I see. An interesting strategy, it’s worked before.

Vinegar: Travis trying to cut behind Edwards now, but Moss pivots, and he catches Travis with a hip toss, and the champion rolls away, looking frustrated here in the early goings.

Hanson: Moss had better not piss Travis off. He doesn’t want to get shot.

Vinegar: And why would Travis shoot him?

Hanson: Hey, I’m just saying, Tate pissed Travis off, and he got shot.

Vinegar: Are you suggesting Travis shot Tate on purpose?

Hanson: Of course not! But accidents…happen. Take Grace. She’s a lovely girl, but it would be a shame if anything were to…happen to her.

Vinegar: She’s neither Tate Levene nor Brandon Lee, so I’m sure she’ll be fine, in the meantime Travis and Moss again tie-up in the ring, this time Travis twists behind his challenger, into a hammerlock takedown.

Hanson: See, you can consider Moss lulled.

Vinegar: Roberts cuts behind Edwards and has him in a full nelson, looking for a slam, but Edwards slams his elbow back and knocks him away! Edwards swings for a clothesline, but Travis ducks it and hits a Russian Legsweep!

Hanson: Actually, that’s a Ryussian Legsweep.

Vinegar: What are you talking about?

Hanson: Well, that’s what his bio says. I’ve got it right in front of me.

Vinegar: It’s a typo, I’m sure.

Hanson: Why? Tell me, Nick, if Lord Hastings can call an eye poke the Super Kick, or a hip toss the We’re Off To See the Shining Wizard, why can’t Travis call a Russian Legsweep the Ryussian Legsweep?

Vinegar: Roberts with the cover!

Burke: 1!!!!



2!!!!



Vinegar: Moss kicks out!

Hanson: Are you going to answer my question?

Vinegar: Roberts pulls Edwards up, but Moss catches him with a knee lift, and he whips the champion into the corner. Edwards charging in, AND HE HITS THE FADE OUT!!!

Hanson: You’re just trying to avoid my question.

Vinegar: Roberts is crawling towards the side of the ring, he grabs the second ropes and pulls himself to it, but Edwards is on the turnbuckle, and HE LEAPS OFF AND HITS THE THUMBS DOWN!!!! Roberts falls to the outside, and Edwards is on his feet, standing over him!

Hanson: Nevermind that! Answer my question, dammit!

Vinegar: What was your question?

Hanson: …damn you.

Vinegar: Moss Edwards hops back onto the ring apron, his back to Roberts, Moss looking back at the champion now, Travis is stirring, and Edwards goes for the Dramatic Effect!

Hanson: HA HA!

Vinegar: Travis dove out of the way, and Edwards went crashing to the ground, and his momentum took him right into the barricade!

Hanson: See? Travis totally suckered him on that one. He had him right where he wanted him through that whole sequence.

Vinegar: He LET Edwards hit the Fade Out and the Thumbs Down, so he could avoid the Dramatic Effect?

Hanson: Of course! The Blessed One himself as a flair for the dramatic, you see. Just another example of how he’s better than Moss at his own game.

Vinegar: Roberts rolls back into the ring, he’s holding the back of his neck, but pointing towards Moss and gesturing at Glenn Burke.

Hanson: Because Burke needs to count Moss out! What’s he doing laying around out there anyway?

Burke: 1!!!


2!!!


3!!!


4!!!


Vinegar: Roberts trying to escape this match with a count out victory, Moss Edwards is slowly stirring on the outside!

Hanson: He’s a lazy bum. You don’t see Travis laying around.

Vinegar: He IS laying down, he’s just in the ring, and it looks like his neck is suffering the effects of the Thumbs Down.


Burke: 5!!!


6!!!


7!!!


Vinegar: Moss is pulling himself up, using the ring apron.

Hanson: That shouldn’t count, he should have to stand on his own.


Burke: 8!!!


9!!!


Vinegar: Roberts comes through the bottom rope with a baseball slide, knocking Edwards back down!

Hanson: That should be ten! He’s been out for ten!

Vinegar: Only because Travis knocked him back out when he was coming in, and that resets the count!

Hanson: Bah!

Vinegar: It doesn’t matter now, as Roberts pulls Edwards up and pushes him back into the ring. Roberts in the ring himself now, and he puts Edwards down with a big boot.

Hanson: It’s cinematically symbolic of the fact that Moss doesn’t deserve to lace the Blessed One’s boots. I’m telling you, if Travis ever retires, he’s got his next career lined up.

Vinegar: Roberts is on the top rope himself now, he leaps for a flying elbow!

Hanson: NO!

Vinegar: Edwards rolled out of the way, and Roberts hits the mat hard! Edwards is back up, and he SPRINGBOARD INTO THE CUTTING ROOM!! PINNING PREDICAMENT!!!!

Burke: 1!!!!



2!!!!



2.75!!!!!



Vinegar: Roberts kicks out!

Hanson: Whew…

Vinegar: Both men to their feet, and Roberts sidesteps a clothesline attempt, and he hits the full nelson slam! Travis hesitates a moment, holding the back of his neck, now he’s pulling Edwards towards the corner, but Edwards pushes him away! He kicks Roberts in the chest, crosses his arms across his chest, sets in position for a DDT, and he hits a tornado DDT!

Hanson: What the hell was that?

Vinegar: It was an Homage!

Hanson: Well…it just goes to show that remakes are never as good as the original.

Vinegar: Edwards takes a moment to get his bearings, and he pulls Roberts up, he’s setting up Box Office Poison! Edwards charges towards the corner, but Roberts floats off the back!

Hanson: Yes!

Vinegar: Roberts kicks him in the chest, he’s crossing the arms for The White Out, but Edwards twists out, INTO THE FLOP!!!!!

Hanson: No!

Vinegar: Moss with the cover!

Burke: 1!!!



2!!!



2.9!!!!



Vinegar: The shoulder’s up! Travis Roberts just barely got his shoulder up, in time to save his championship!

Hanson: Whew…

Vinegar: You’re sweating a bit over there.

Hanson: Well, you know, I had some chili peppers earlier…

Vinegar: Is that what smells.

Hanson: Is that what…um, yeah, THAT’S what is is…

Vinegar: Both men are slow to their feet, Roberts is up, he turns around, but Moss takes him down with a drop toe hold, and he puts him into the Casting Session!

Hanson: This is okay, Nick! Travis can take it! Remember the Ultimate Submission match!

Vinegar: Did he tap out twice in that match?

Hanson: Don’t bring facts into this discussion!

Vinegar: It’s looking as though Travis CAN take it though, as after a bit of a struggle he’s made it to the ropes. The champion is breathing heavily, he’s taken a lot of abuse here in this match.

Hanson: What the hell is Moss doing now?

Vinegar: Moss Edwards is clapping his hands together vertically, much like a clapper board, and now he’s pointing at Travis Roberts, and tapping his hand on his other palm.

Hanson: He’s giving him a golf clap?

Vinegar: He’s telling Travis Roberts that he’s going to tap out! Edwards is looking for the Motivation!

Hanson: Sheesh, he’s in a match for the title, and he needs motivation?

Vinegar: It’s Edwards’ preferred submission hold, if he locks it in this match is likely over! Edwards measures Roberts, goes for that Shining Wizard…and misses!

Hanson: Travis ducked!

Vinegar: Roberts kicks Edwards in the chest, crosses the arms, AND HE HITS THE WHITE OUT!!!!! Travis Roberts with the cover!

Burke: 1!!!!



2!!!!



2.999!!!!



3!!!!



Mitchell: Here is your winner, and STILL the Unified Global Heavyweight Champion, TRAVIS ROBBERRRRRRRTTTTTTSSSSSSS!!!!!

Vinegar: Moss Edwards gave him a great fight, but the reign of the Headliner continues here tonight!

Hanson: Do you realize what this means? Blessed Immortality for the title at Horizons!

Vinegar: Hastings still has to win Battleground, and that’s up next! Five of the best competitors in the business today, inside the Battleground cage!

Travis Roberts: 9

Moss Edwards: 3

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: Can you believe it? It’s finally here!

Hanson: Yeah! It’s Lord Chief time!

Vinegar: Well, yes, but more to the point, it’s time for THE Battleground Match, 2009! We’re about to see not only Donovan Hastings, but Raenius and Chassie Fear of the Covenant, recently stripped GIW.com Champion William Everknight and the returning Chinatsu Chen.

Hanson: My little Chinatsu! How I’ve missed you so!

Vinegar: But as you know this is no ordinary match, let’s view the Battle lines.

BARBED WIRE CELL

Vinegar: We can see it right above here. That monstrous structure that stands twenty feet high and it made of nothing but solid steel and barbed wire makes the arena as dangerous as the competitors.

THE GAUNTLET

Vinegar: After the first two entrants, competitors will enter the ring at three minute intervals until all five competitors are in the match. How will this effect the flow of battle as people tire and fresh warriors arrive?

LAST MAN STANDING

Vinegar: Here there are no pinfalls, no submissions and no holds barred. Competitors are eliminated when they can no longer answer the referee’s ten count until only one remains the Last Man Standing.

Hanson: Was that entirely necessary?

Vinegar: It may seem obvious to you and me but for the millions of fans watching at home for who this may be their first experience of this spectacle I’m sure it was of benefit to them.

Hanson: Fine.

Vinegar: It’s been a long time coming. The competitors in this match have been battling tooth and nail for weeks to try to get themselves and advantage going into this match. By the end of the night we will truly be on the Long Winding Path to the Horizon and one of these five athletes will be leading the way.

Hanson: One of-

Vinegar: Yes, yes, you think it’ll be your Lord Chief, we get it.

Hanson: If you just got it I wouldn’t have to make my points over and over.

Vinegar: As much as you may not like to admit it this match is still wide open. It could go any way.

Hanson: We’ll see about that.

Vinegar: You know there’s going to be a lot of action. I may need some help on play-by-play.

Hanson: The H-Train can handle your feeble job for you if that’s what you’re asking.

Vinegar: Are you sure? Because I could make a call and-

Hanson: For the Blessed One’s sake, don’t replace me!

Vinegar: Ok, ok. Don’t stand up though. Vick’s been telling me he wants in on some of this action.

Hanson: Well Vick can shove it up his-

Ace: **** you, you ******* mother******!!!

Hanson: Damn that guy can swear.

Vinegar: It’s what he’s famous for.

As Hanson and Vinegar chatter, Step Up starts to play to a fairly flat response. William Everknight walks out to the top of the ramp.

Dennis: The following contest is the 2009 Battleground Match-up! The winner of this match will earn the right to book the match of their choice at GIW’s flagship Pay Per View, Horizons! Introducing first, from Richmond, Virginia! Weighing in at 225lbs! Fighting Spirit, William Everkniiiiiiight!!!

Will makes he way towards the ring, looking up at the cage still hanging over the ring all the while.

Vinegar: You have to wonder just where young William Everknight’s head has got to be going into this one?

Hanson: I don’t. I know for a fact it’s firmly entrenched in his own rectum.

Vinegar: He can’t have a lot of momentum after defeats in recent weeks to the likes of Randy Boolzian and only last week being stripped of his GIW.com title by Old Lady Levene.

Hanson: That’s what you get when you’re the low down scum of the Earth like Everknight. Unprovoked assaults on the likes of Calypso Desmona will not be tolerated.

Vinegar: I think they were far from assaults, or unprovoked, but it’s too late now the deed has been done and The Kid will have to overcome these setbacks if he wishes to win this one. Especially with the disadvantage of starting this math from the beginning.

Hanson: Who really cares? This guys so bland he makes Kiseragi look like The Headliner. But in that scenario that would make Travis Roberts a god.

Vinegar: That would explain your shrine.

Hanson: Stay the hell out of my dressing room!

Vinegar: We share a dressing room, idiot.

Hanson: Stay out of my half!

Vinegar: This is hardly the time.

Will reaches the ring and enters through the ropes. He climbs up onto a turnbuckle and pulls off his singlet before throwing it into the first row.

Vinegar: I wonder what would happen if you tried that.

Hanson: Young ladies would faint and I’d be charged by those that stayed conscious.

Vinegar: I really wonder if you believe that.

Hanson: Of course I do. It’s the truth, I just don’t do it for professionalism and the love of my Gabby, and Chinatsu, and Grace, and-

Vinegar: We get it.

Immortal starts to play to enthusiastic booing and the makings of a potential ‘You Suck’ chant. Donovan Hastings makes his way out to the ramp, closely followed by Calypso Desmona.

Dennis: And introducing competitor number two, accompanied to the ring by Calypso Desmona. From Hartford, Connecticut! Weighing in at 230lbs! The Lord of Pain, Donovaaaan Haaaaaaastiiiiiings!!!

Hanson: Now here’s a guy coming in with momentum. No-one’s been able to stop the Lord Chief lately.

Vinegar: He’s certainly had a good run. I don’t think entering this match at number two was in his plans though.

Hanson: It doesn’t matter. The Lord Chief will endure as he always does. They don’t call him Immortal for nothing.

Vinegar: No, they call him it because Hastings will hurt you if you don’t.

Hanson: Damn straight. Recognise bitches.

The Lord Chief poses regally at the top of the ramp and Calypso removes the cloak from his shoulders. The two of them make their way down to the ring. Calypso remains outside the edge of the cage as Hastings climbs up the steps and into the ring.

Vinegar: There’s been a lot of heat between this pairing lately. What better way to get this extraordinary match started.

Hastings music fades out and the lights go down. White spotlights shine on the crowd for a moment then start to swirl all around. Strobe lighting flashes on the diabolical structure as it starts to descend.

Vinegar: This is it! The Battleground Cage is coming down and we’re mere moments from possibly the biggest match of this year so far!

A few more seconds pass of strobing white light in the darkness. The crowd get ever more excited by the prospect of what they’re about to witness. The lights come back up and the competitors are trapped.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Ding! Ding!

Vinegar: Where’d he go?

Hanson: Brilliant move by the Lord Chief. He slid out of the ring when the lights went down and got behind little Willy.

Vinegar: And he’s able to pull his legs out from under him before he knows what’s going on. Hastings quick to follow up, sliding up into the ring and putting the boot onto Everkight’s back.

Hanson: That’s how you take control of a match. You drop a guy in the first seconds and crush him beneath your heel.

Vinegar: Hastings certainly taking the early advantage. Everknight tries to roll away but the Immortal has him by the hair and drags him back up. Quickly locks in an arm wringer and shifts into a hammerlock.

Hanson: Technical wrestling prowess on display. You can’t help but love it and the Lord Chief has it in spades.

Vinegar: That’s certainly true but this match requires something more than classic technical ability. Hammerlock suplex. No, William manages to land on his feet!

Hanson: And gets a discus clothesline instead for his trouble. Great reactions, he almost took his head off. That the kind of thing you were thinking?

Vinegar: That was more like what he’s going to need. Hastings off the ropes now, Everknight with enough wits about him to throw himself at Hastings feet.

Hanson: And not in the good and proper way.

Vinegar: Hastings steps over and rebounds, running straight into a dropkick. Everknight off the rope this time and comes back with a leg drop, right across the throat of the Immortal. You could almost call it an…Immortal Leg Drop.

Hanson: …

Vinegar: What?

Hanson: …That was awful.

Vinegar: Yeah, I know. Moving on. Will went for a cover and Burke had to remind him it’s not going to work here tonight. He lost a lot of time following up to that mistake. He’s trying to bring Hastings back up but he’s recovered and counters with hard body blows.

Hanson: Of course they’re hard. Nothing the Lord Chief lands in that ring is soft.

Vinegar: Well it’s enough to get him out of Everknight’s grasp and Hastings runs off the ropes again. Comes back with a shoulder block that puts The Kid on his back.

Hanson: The Lord Chief’s pecks may not be quite at the density of the Headliner’s but easily the second most solid chest in the business.

Vinegar: I understand you do your own research.

Hanson: Always.

Vinegar: Stands to reason. The Lord of Pain follows up with an elbow drop right across the Solar Plexus.

Hanson: And that’s going to drive the wind right out of him. This match is about endurance and if you can’t breath, you’re not going to go the distance.

Vinegar: Can I expect more genuinely useful insights or should I just cling to the memory of that one.

Hanson: You may get a couple if you’re lucky.

Vinegar: Better than nothing. Hastings looks like he’s trying to lock in the Hands of Fate. Everknight’s able to scramble free though and gets to the outside. He’s trying to catch his breath but the Lord of Pain is all over him.

Hanson: Like a sexy rash.

Vinegar: Sexy?

Hanson: Um, I meant manly, and uh…regal and- not gay!

Vinegar: Everknight braces himself against the ring post and-JUST GOT SLAMMED INTO THE CAGE!!

Hanson: YEAH! The Lord Chief just swept him up and almost charged him straight through the barbed wire!

Vinegar: This match has just escalated and Fighting Spirit just falls to the ground, clutching at his chest and abdomen. Those barbs just tearing at the flesh of his body.

Hastings stands over Everknight, closing his eyes and opening his arms out wide for a moment.

Vinegar: More boots from Donovan Hastings, to the body this time, targeting that multitude of cuts that now litter Everknight’s torso.

Hanson: I’m not going to be surprised if the Lord Chief puts an end to this before the next person even gets here. He could do that all night. Just take them all one at a time.

Vinegar: I’m not sure anyone could beat four other people, each within five minutes without taking a break. Hastings pulls him back up and locks in an abdominal stretch. Just pulling those wounds open and Everknight is in agony.

Hanson: He’d be tapping if he could.

Vinegar: No, he’s managed to wriggle free and turn himself around. Shoves Hastings back into the ring post! Did you see the whiplash as the Immortals head snapped back into metal pole!

Hanson: Get up Lord Chief! Get up!

Vinegar: Will still clearly in pain. I think I see blood bubbling around some of cuts but he could have turned this one right around. He’s got Hastings back onto his feet, up against the post.

Crowd: Wooo!

Vinegar: Big knife edge chop, lights up the chest.

Crowd: Wooo! Wooo! Wooo!

Vinegar: Series of shots and, Hastings into the cage this time! Headfirst!

Hanson: No! The Lord Chief able to brace a hand against the steel pole and saves himself.

Vinegar: Elbow shots to the gut of Everknight. Will tries to counter, running back in, drop toe hold!

Hanson: Oh that was vicious. Little Willy just hit the cage and got dragged down it as he fell!

Vinegar: That’s torn some deep gashes into the flesh and the blood is starting to flow. Hastings may have hit that just in time. Look up on the Globaltron.

10!

9!

8!

7!

6!

5!

4!

3!

2!

1!

Cyanide Sweet Tooth Suicide starts to play and Chassie Fear storms out from the back. She doesn’t break stride as she charges down the ramp and straight through the open door where Hastings is waiting for her.

Dennis: The next entrant, Chassie Feeeeeear!!!

Vinegar: The Dark Rose not wasting any time getting into this one and these two are just going at it. Chassie Fear and Donovan Hastings tie each other up and just wailing on each other with their free hands.

Hanson: Everknight’s being counted down on the other side of the ring there. He’s still not fully recovered.

Vinegar: Fear wins out in that brawl and drives Hastings back into the apron, just crushing his spine against it. Few more forearm shots to the head for good measure.

Hanson: Little Willy’s managed to drag himself back to his feet using the ring apron at about a seven count. That guy is not looking good right now.

Vinegar: Chassie takes a couple of steps back. Puts a big jumping knee right up into Hastings face.

Hanson: Everknight’s managed to roll himself into the ring. Very inconsiderate of him, getting the mat all bloody like that.

Vinegar: Chassie looking for an Irish Whip. Hastings trying to block it. He can’t though, Fear whips him towards the cage!

Hanson: He gets the brakes on again!

Vinegar: Baseball slide dropkick! Everknight just hit the Dark Rose in the back of the head and she stumbles straight into-

Hanson: The Lord Chief’s grasp. Releasing overhead suplex!

Vinegar: Right into the cage! Chassie just hit the barbed wire upside down six feet in the air and falls hard onto her neck!!!

Hanson: Lord Chief bringing the pain to everyone tonight. He’s on fire!

Vinegar: I wouldn’t be surprised if that wasn’t a metaphor by the end of the night. Fighting Spirit looking to follow up with a lariat but Hastings ducks it, spins him around and hits him with a gut buster, right across the knee.

Hanson: And he’s got time to take a breather while Burke applies the count to Fear and Everknight on the ground.

Vinegar: It’s going to take more than that. Everknight up at four and Fear up at six. Both of them charging the Lord of Pain and slamming him back into the apron again, followed up with a bunch of punches to the head and Hastings is rocked.

Hanson: I think you mean-

Vinegar: I know exactly what I mean. Chassie backs off to Hastings left. Running Yakusa Kick just cleaned his clock! The Kid looks to follow it up with a foot choke as Hastings slumps down.

Hanson: This is the kind of reprehensible behaviour that got him put in this match so early in the first place. You’d think he’d have learned by now.

Vinegar: Well you must be happy with that then. Chassie capitalises on Everknight’s preoccupation and drops him with a standing neck breaker. She’s quick to drag him back to his feet though.

Hanson: The Lord Chief recovers and is headed away from these two’s fight. He’s letting them fight it out. Smart move.

Vinegar: Chassie Fear has Everkight by the trunks and throws him into the cage again. He can’t take much more of this. His torso is in tatters. He’s got to be losing a lot of blood.

Hanson: Isn’t that nice? Calypso comes round to give her man some support from outside the cage.

Vinegar: I wouldn’t call it support, I’d call it a steel pipe. She just produced a pipe from behind the crowd barrier and forced it through the wire. Fear seems happy with her dismantling of the Kid and turns her attention to Hastings.

Hanson: Who cracks her with the pipe! Right in the abdomen.

Vinegar: Fear doubled over by that shot and Hastings putting it across her throat. He’s going to choke her out.

Hanson: There’s no disqualifications and if she can’t breath she can’t stand up.

Vinegar: Well Hastings may have more on his mind then a brutal choke hold in ten seconds time.

10!

9!

8!

7!

6!

5!

4!

3!

2!

1!

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Redneck explodes over the speakers and purple light shines over the ramp. Raenius looms into view.

Dennis: Introducing the next entrant! From Northern Ireland, Raeniuuuuuuuus!!!

Hanson: Here comes the cavalry.

Vinegar: The Covenant’s chances of having half on the entrants in this match up were dashed after Dirge was recently hospitalised but still, having two members gives them a definite advantage here.

Raenius walks slowly down to the ring and through the door and heads straight for Donovan Hastings.

Hanson: Watch out My Lord!

Vinegar: Raenius just produced an extendable baton from his sleeve and slams it across the back of Hastings’s head. Just in time too. I think Chassie Fear was starting to turn blue. Raenius isn’t done with one shot and just goes to town on Hastings with that Baton.

Hanson: Everknight’s back and looking to take advantage of the weakened Dark Rose. Stomping down on her.

Vinegar: Raenius isn’t having any of it though and Fighting Spirit takes a baton shot for his efforts. The fresh man taking all the momentum here. He helps Chassie back to her feet and the two of them roll Everknight back into the ring.

Hanson: Looks like little Willy’s about to get double teamed.

Vinegar: Irish whip into the corner. Raenius whips Fear in after him. Running dropkick by Fear. Corner clothesline by Raenius!

Hanson: The Lord Chief is back in this and digging about under the ring. He’s got a table. The Lord Chief is bringing the wood into this match.

Vinegar: That may just be for you.

Hanson: Huh? Oh you- no homo!

Vinegar: Stand up then.

Hanson: No! I shan’t dignify your childish taunting.

Vinegar: Didn’t think so. In the corner, Raenius has just wrapped William Everknight up with a Tarantula. Fear opens up with some stiff roundhouse kicks to the body.

Hanson: The Lord of Pain has got into the ring and is setting up the table in the opposite corner.

Vinegar: Fear hit’s the code breaker as Raenius releases the hold. Everknight just crashes down on those knees and Raenius drops to the outside. The Dark Rose catches a glimpse of Hastings as she recover and goes right after him.

Hanson: SPINEBUSTER THROUGH THE TABLE!!! What a counter! Chassie Fear just got crushed!!!

Vinegar: Bodies littering the ring and the referee’s are putting the count to both William Everknight and Chassie Fear. Raenius slides back in and Hastings is all over him.

Hanson: Like a perfectly normal heterosexual rash.

Vinegar: Exactly. Raenius able to power out though and knocks Hastings on his butt. Both men quickly to their feet and trading blows, one for one in the middle of the ring. These two slugging it out like titans. Big shot rocks Raenius back. Raenius rocks Hastings in return. Hastings comes back and- misses! Raenius ducks the shot and hoists the Immortal onto his shoulders. Death Valley Driver!!!

Hanson: Noooo!

Vinegar: William Everknight up in the corner at 8. Raenius standing tall in the middle of the ring. Taking the time to slide to the outside though. Could be arming himself here. What’s he got there?

Hanson: They look like wire cutters Nick.

Vinegar: I think you’re right Dan. He just removed a pair of wire cutters from his pants and is snipping out bits of the cage.

Hanson: He’s trying to escape!

Vinegar: I don’t think he is. He’s just taking sections of barbed wire and wrapping them around his hand. I’m not sure I like the looks of this.

Hanson: SUICIDE DIVE!!!

Vinegar: HOLY CRAP!!! Chassie Fear back to her feet in the ring and any chances of a long alliance between these two is gone as she just suicide dived Raenius in the back and slammed him into the cage.

Hanson: I bet he’s glad to have that mask right now. He had that stuff hard.

Vinegar: It seems to have taken it out of Fear too, both of them are down. The men inside the ring are both back to their feet though. Hastings charges into the corner and slams Everknight with a back elbow. That stunned him and Hastings plants him onto the top rope.

Hanson: It’s Hastiplex time!

Vinegar: Hastiplex?

Hanson: Yeah, you think he’ll like it?

Vinegar: Who knows? For the rest of us though, he’s setting up a Superplex and…connects!!! Everknight is laid flat out in the middle of the ring.

Hanson: Keep an eye on the outside. It hasn’t taken long for the Covenant to recover. They’re slugging it out from their knees, trading forearm shots. Fear hit’s a low enziguri and drops Raenius back down.

Vinegar: Good cover. Hastings is back up in the ring. Now this we don’t see often. High risk manoeuvre in the works from the Lord of Pain, he’s going up high.

Hanson: Chassie’s pulling Raenius up to his feet again. DIVING CROSS BODY!!!

Vinegar: Hastings just dived off the top and took out both members of the Covenant! It’s not what we normally see from him but to win a match like this you’ve gotta pull out all the stops.

Hanson: And the Lord Chief can pull anything out of anywhere. Once again he’s dominating this one.

Vinegar: He’s slumped against the apron again and is trying to catch his breath. Everknight’s back up on the inside and reaching out over the ropes. He’s got Hastings by the hair and dragged him back inside.

Hanson: Bad idea, about a 6.5 on the Boolzian scale.

Vinegar: Yup, wasn’t good. Hastings puts a hip shot into the mid-riff and throws Everknight over the top rope.

Hanson: Look out behind you!

Vinegar: Fear is first to recover from the outside and gets herself up onto the apron. Hastings turns back straight into a- Spingboard Hurricanrana!!!

10!

9!

Hanson: Here we go again.

8!

7!

6!

Vinegar: No prizes for guessing who’s next.

5!

4!

3!

Hanson: I’m actually excited, I can’t believe it.

2!

1!

Warrior’s Code hit’s the speakers and the crowd go completely nuts. All except the racist yokels. Chinatsu Chen walks out to the top of the ramp, through up peace signs.

Dennis: Introducing the final competitor! From Kyoto Japan! Chinatsuuuuuuuu Cheeeeeeeeen!!!

Hanson: Is she wearing body armour?

Vinegar: It looks like some heavy duty gear. Chinatsu Chen coming out prepared for this one with a face mask, chest protector and some heavy looking gloves and boots.

Hanson: That girls so smart. Look at those other idiots coming in half naked.

Vinegar: Like Hastings.

Hanson: Ha can take it though, he has skin like iron. I mean, he’s been in here from the start. Is he bleeding? No. Is everyone else? Yes.

Chinatsu jogs down to the ring, slapping a couple of outstretched hands before she gets through the door and heads straight to the top rope.

Vinegar: Chinatsu Chen in her return match, not wasting any time getting going. Top rope move coming to Chassie Fear. STARGAZER!!!

Hanson: What the hell was that!?

After nailing the Shooting Star DDT Chinatsu gets to her feet and removes a small Red Bull can from inside her chest protector. She holds it above her head for a second before opening it and downing the contents.

Vinegar: It looks like a shout out to the Red Bull Icon to me. He may not be in the match anymore but he’s here in spirit.

Hanson: It’s enough to make you barf.

Vinegar: I thought you’d enjoy the sentimentality.

Hanson: It’s not that, it’s the idea of all those STD’s being in the air. We could all have Chlamydia by the end of the night.

Vinegar: I don’t think that’s how it works. Raenius and Everknight both seem to have recovered on the outside and Hastings is getting back to his feet. Everyone back into the ring and Everknight goes after Chinatsu Chen, clothesline to the back knocks her down.

Hanson: Raenius is picking his fight with the Lord Chief. Raenius goes for a scoop slam but the Immortal fights him off and counters with CROSSHANDLED DRAGON NECKBREAKER!!!

Vinegar: What?

Hanson: A cross handled dragon neck breaker. It’s one of the Lord’s many great innovations.

Vinegar: It was a standard swinging neck breaker.

Hanson: Maybe to your untrained eyes…

Vinegar: I’m not getting into this. Hastings just broke the leg off one half of that splintered table. He’s wailing on Raenius with that makeshift weapon. At the same time Fighting Spirit throws Chen over the top rope and out to the floor and not wasting any time following her out.

Hanson: Chassie Fear’s just able to drag herself up with the ropes before Peterson could count her out.

Vinegar: Everknight’s got Chen back up again and just walking her around the ring. Slam! Straight onto the ring steps, head first.

Hanson: Notice how he went straight for the woman. He’s insatiable. First Calypso, then this.

Vinegar: Low blow! Chassie Fear takes advantage of a distracted Donovan Hastings and hits him where the Sun don’t shine.

Hanson: Chen’s face protector seems to have paid off. She’s recovered quickly from that shot and fights her way out of an attempted side slam. Russian leg sweep out on the concrete!

Vinegar: The Covenant seem to be back on the same page, for now at least. They’ve dragged Hastings back onto his feet and put him back down with a double vertical suplex.

Hanson: Chinatsu’s taking it to Little Willy. She’s got him back up and braced against the apron. Clinched up and nailing him with Muay Thai knees. Anyone for a tender rack of ribs?

Vinegar: Ribs!?

Hanson: Don’t get too excited Fat Boy, it was a joke.

Vinegar: Darn. Raenius directing traffic inside the ring. He’s got Hastings held down by the shoulders and is sending the Dark Rose to the top.

Hanson: Everknight fights his way out of that clinch with a big shove. Knocks Chinatsu off her feet. She’s straight back in though. No! Little Willy’s caught her.

Vinegar: EVERKNIGHT ALPHA!!!

Hanson: BLOCKED!!!

As Chinatsu gets down from the first attempt Everknights legs give way and he is suddenly pulled to the ground and dragged underneath the ring.

Hanson: What the hell!?

The ring shakes, almost causing Fear to lose her balance on the top rope. Screaming can be heard from beneath the mat.

Everknight: Get of me! Ah. Aaaah!!!

Everknight reappears from where he left, rolling on the floor, desperately clutching at his now black stained face.

Hanson: I repeat, what the hell!?

Vinegar: I think there’s a monster under there.

Hanson: There’s no such thing as monsters.

Vinegar: You’ve been around here long enough to know that’s not true. Chinatsu seems stunned by her fortune but she’s not letting this slide. She’s pulled him up to his feet. HEAVY GUNS!!!

Hanson: Yeah! Nailed the woman beater!!!

Vinegar: Watch out in the ring. Fear off the top rope! Frog Splash!! Gets a body full of knees!

As that goes on in the ring, Chinatsu looks under the ring.

Hanson: Don’t go under there!

Vinegar: I have a feeling she’ll be ok.

After a few seconds looking she smiles and beckons and something.

Hanson: Aragato!?

Vinegar: Who did you expect? Deathman?

Hanson: Everknight’s still on the ground. Peterson is counting him out.

Vinegar: Hastings is fighting out of this predicament inside the ring too. Overhead kick to Raenius and he’s able to get back to his feet.

Peterson: 3...4...5...6...

Vinegar: Chen doesn’t seem all that happy with Aragato’s involvement here. She seems to directing him out of the cage.

Hanson: That’s because by Asian honey has honour.

Vinegar: Hazel East opening the door up again- But Aragato decides to just throw himself through the wall instead!

Hanson: That’s guys in idiot.

Peterson: 7...8...9...

Vinegar: Aragato outside the cage leaving a hole in the wall. Interesting to see what happens there.

Peterson: 10!

Dennis: William Everknight has been eliminated!

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: First elimination in this match and it’s Fighting Spirit William Everknight.

Hanson: Try to keep up with the action Nick. Hastings just planted Raenius with the We’re Off To See The Shiniiiiiiiing Wizaaaaaaaaaaaard!!!

Vinegar: Hip toss.

Hanson: You have no imagination.

Vinegar: Raenius quick to recover though.

Hanson: Not quick enough to avoid being clotheslined over the top rope though and back out to the floor.

Vinegar: Hastings looks like he wants to take care of Chassie Fear now. He’s dropped out the opposite side and is looking under the ring. He’s got a steel chair. Fear on her feet though. Slingshot Body Press!!! No, Hastings slides into the ring under her. Fear with a great mid air adjustment lands on her feet.

Hanson: And gets cracked in the head with that chair from inside.

Vinegar: Chinatsu’s straight onto Raenius before he can get up and locks in an armbar. Raenius in clear pain but he’s not going to be held down. He’s powering up to his feet and he’s hoisted Chen off the ground. Slams her back first into cage!!!

Hanson: Hastings rolls Chassie back into the ring and retrieves that steel pipe from earlier.

Vinegar: Raenius not done with Chen. He’s got her back onto her feet and drags her over to that newly formed cage opening and just tosses her out of it like a rag doll. Even the barbed wire cage isn’t able to contain these competitors.

Hanson: Hastings back up in the ring and hits that pipe right across the midsection of the Dark Rose. That’s got to drive the wind out of her.

Vinegar: She’s not out though, Fear takes a second body shot with that pipe but she’s trying to get away. Able to roll away from the third shot.

Hanson: She’s backed herself right up into a corner though and the Lord Chief about to deliver the Coup de Grace.

Vinegar: NO! Fear about to roll under it and back to her feet. PELE!!! PELE!!! That big overhead kick just strikes right on the top of Hastings head and both of them go down.

Hanson: But not out. It’s going to take a lot more than that. I mean the Lord Chief’s still the only one in this match not bleeding.

Vinegar: The ground slick with the blood from a thousand barbed wire gashes from all over the bodies of these four remaining competitors. Raenius has followed Chen to the outside and nails her in the side of the head with a running boot as she gets to her knees.

Hanson: Chassie up in the ring and lifting the Lord Chief up in the corner. Hard forearm shots to the head. Whip across the ring. Fear follows up and- The Immortal gets a boot up into the face. That stunned her and STO!!! The Lord Chief launches out with the big takedown.

Vinegar: Outside Raenius is in full control. He just snake eyed Chinatsu across the crowd barrier but that face protector seemed to take the brunt of the hit again. He must be getting frustrated with that.

Hanson: Lord Hastings is taking full control of the ring again. He’s got that steel chair set laid down in the middle of the ring and pulls Fear back up to her feet. Irish whip, rebounds and a big flapjack! The Lord Chief just tossed her into the air and must have fallen ten feet onto that chair. Followed up with a running senton by the Lord.

Vinegar: Raenius has got Chinatsu up again. The Oriental Firecracker trying to fight back but gets a hip shot to the gut for her trouble. Oh look out, seems they’re headed this way.

Hanson: The Lord Chief has punished that midsection badly. You can see the bruising from out here. He’s not done though he’s got her up. Bearhug! That looks synched in tight and look at the pain on Chassie Fear’s face.

Vinegar: Chinatsu Chen thrown into the outside of the cage this time right in front of us. Then shoulder first right into our announce table.

Raenius: Get up.

Hanson: What?

Vinegar: Ha, my partner just got tossed to the ground and Raenius has taken his chair. I’ll try to cover everything until Dan can recompose himself. Chinatsu kicks out and boots the chair into Raenius’s face. Gives her long enough to get back to her feet.

Vinegar: In the ring Chassie using all the strength she has left to fight out of that bear hug. Stiff elbow shots to the top of the head and able to break loose. She quickly off the ropes and - power slammed right back onto the chair!

Hanson: What a bastard.

Vinegar: Careful he may still be able to hear you.

Hanson: What so now I’ve gotta stand up?

Vinegar: Looks like it.

Hanson: Stuff that, budge up.

Vinegar: No.

Commentary is disrupted briefly and replaced with the rumbling noise of Vinegar and Hanson fighting over the remaining seat. Meanwhile Chen takes Raenius down with a running calf kick.

Vinegar: Fine, fine. We’ll both take a cheek.

Hanson: Yeah, bitch.

Vinegar: Chen bring Raenius back up and plants some knees to the body and, Enziguri! Big shot rocks Raenius but he stays on his feet.

Hanson: Watch out in the ring. Lord Chief Hastings has Chassie Fear mounted- giggidy- and locks in a triangle choke!!! Those big powerful legs are just crushing her windpipe. All that work knocking the air out of the Dark Rose is paying off right here.

Vinegar: Chinatsu Chen’s just climbed onto the table right in front of us. Diving Inverted Hurricanrana!!! She dropped Raenius right onto his head.

Hanson: Look out inside the ring. Burke’s taking a look at Chassie. She doesn’t look responsive but the Lord Chief is still reigning in that hold.

Vinegar: Burke finally has to force a break. There may not be any disqualifications but they still have to watch out for the lives of these superstars. Chassie Fear has passed out and Burke has to check she’s still breathing.

Hanson: She’s fine.

Vinegar: So it seems, lucky for Hastings. Burke applies the count.

Burke: 1...2...3...

Vinegar: Outside Chen just springboards off the crowd barrier and lands a beautiful moonsault onto the Resident Evil. That chest protector surely putting extra emphasis on that impact.

Burke: …4...5...6...

Vinegar: Little Chinatsu struggling to move a limp Raenius and props him against the cage. She’s headed this way again, looks like she wants that chair. That’s what she’s taken. Lining something up here. Big running low dropkick! She planted that chair right into his face.

Burke: …7...8...9...

Hanson: That may have woken Raenius up a little but only to find his face in shattered and his hair is now grossly entangled with the barbed wire.

Burke: 10!

Dennis: Chassie Fear has been eliminated!

Vinegar: There goes any kind of Covenant advantage with the elimination of the Dark Rose. Hastings now technically alone inside the cage and he doesn’t seem to be in any rush to change that.

Hanson: Why would he be? He’s got time to recover while Raenius and Chinatsu fight it out in front of us and when one of them is left he’ll be ready for them.

Vinegar: The Oriental Firecracker catching her breath while Raenius struggles to free himself from the cage. There’s definatly more blood mixed in there, Raenius bleeding from the scalp.

Hanson: This is why my girl Chinatsu almost took the Hardcore title.

Vinegar: Chinatsu Chen certainly proving she’s not the fragile little flower she always appears to be. Not when the situations calls for her not to be. Raenius looks fed up of trying to get out the easy way and just wrenches forward.

Hanson: That just tore clumps of blood mattered hair out of his head. It’s all still there on the cage.

Vinegar: It’s sure not pleasant but it did the job. Raenius free to get back into this one. Chinatsu measures herself another run up though before he can get up.

Hanson: SHINIIIIIIIIIING WIZAAAAAAAAARD!!!

Vinegar: Glad we could fit all three of those in. Some people will be happy.

Hanson: Who? What three?

Vinegar: Never mind. Chinatsu puts the Resident Evil back down with that shot. She’s collecting that chair again and lining it up behind her. Raenius is up to his knees and Chen gets a front face lock. DDT!!! Right onto the chair!

Hanson: Brutal, Raenius looks out. Hazel East is around to count.

East: 1.…..2.…..3.……

Hanson: The Lord Chief is watching on intently from inside the ring.

East: ……4.…….5.……6.……

Vinegar: Are we about to see the third elimination of the night?

East: …….7.…….8.……

Vinegar: He’s stirring.






East: …….9.…….






Vinegar: He’s up! Raenius up to his feet in the nick of time and I don’t think Chinatsu can believe it.

Hanson: She’s just going to have to try a little harder. She just needs that one extra second.

Vinegar: Which she’s going back for. Pulling Raenius up to his feet. Oh! Raenius just lashed out at Chinatsu’s knee. He just kicked it back the wrong way and she went down hard.

Hanson: Just like yo-

Vinegar: This is no time for yo momma jokes Dan. Chinatsu’s clutching at that knee. Raenius may have found a weakness through all the protective gear.

Hanson: You’re not going to knock someone out by attacking their legs though Nick.

Vinegar: This isn’t called a Last Man Conscious stipulation. It’s Last Man Standing. Raenius stomping away at that left knee of Chen, adding to the damage. It’s his turn to take up the chair this time.

Hanson: Fight back Chinatsu!

Vinegar: She’s trying but Raenius punches her in the throat. That’s going to take the fight out of you real fast. He’s got that chair wrapped around her left ankle. Stomps it down!!!

Hanson: Someone stop him! He could have broken that ankle right there.

Vinegar: That may well be the intention. Raenius working over the exposed legs. He’s got that left ankle and uses it to hoist Chen up and slam that knee into the ground.

Hanson: While Chinatsu’s still got one leg to stand on this won’t be over.

Vinegar: I don’t think he has any intention of leaving her with one. Another shot with the edge of that chair to the back of the left knee and a big shot to the right knee cap!

Hanson: He’s heading this way again.

Vinegar: He just tore a monitor out of our table!

Hanson: So we have to share a monitor too? Damn it!

Vinegar: Chinatsu trying to get away but she can’t get far without the use of her legs and that monitor just crashed down and shattered over her right ankle! This is brutal! This is torture! Raenius stomping away all over the legs of Chinatsu Chen.

Hanson: Just end it already! This is too much. I can’t watch.

Vinegar: I think he’s going to. Raenius locks in a figure four. Oh god I’m sorry viewers but I can’t listen to Chinatsu screaming.

Both commentators are left speechless as Raenius pulls down on the figure four. Chinatsu taps out out of instinct but Raenius keeps going. Eventually Hazel East forces the break as tears stream from Chinatsu’s eyes.

Vinegar: Oh thank god that’s finally over. I hope that man is proud of himself. There’s no choice but to start the count on Chinatsu Chen.

East: 1.…….2.……..3.…….

Hanson: Stay down Chinatsu, just this once, stay down.

East: ….4.…..5.…….6.…..

Vinegar: I’m with you but that’s just not her way. Chinatsu rolls over and tries to push herself up.

East: ……7.…..8.…..

Vinegar: She’s trying to get up but those joints are in ruins.

East: ….9.…..

Vinegar: No! She can’t take it, her legs just collapsed beneath her and she slumps to the floor.

East: ………10!……….

Dennis: Chinatsu Chen has been eliminated!

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: That’s the third down and we’re down to our final two competitors. One of these men will have their choice of match at Horizons. So what’s Hastings been doing anyway?

Hanson: Well, unlike you I’ve been keeping an eye on the Lord Chief. He’s been doing Tai Chi in the middle of the ring.

Vinegar: Really?

Hanson: Yes, it’s very calming and reinvigorating. He’s done now though. He’s seen Chen’s out and he’s ready for a final showdown.

Vinegar: Hastings has swept up that pipe and is swinging it in his hand like a sword. Raenius reclaims the chair out in front of us and seems to be headed back to that hole, Hastings beckoning him all the way.

Hanson: No-one’s backing down now. The Lord Chief makes for the hole in the wall too.

Vinegar: Both men get there and Hastings swings with the pipe. Raenius gets the chair up and parries it away like a shield. Boot to the chest shoves Hastings back and Raenius able to climb right through.

Hanson: Lord Chief with another swing for the head.

Vinegar: It’s ducked by Raenius though. Both men swing back and the weapons bounce off each other in the middle. Raenius reacts first and throws the chair into Hastings face!!! Knocks him right down.

Hanson: Peterson starting to count.

Peterson: 1.……………………………2.…………………………

Vinegar: Does that seem a bit slow to you?

Hanson: Not at all.

Vinegar: Didn’t think so. Hastings pushing himself back up but Raenius has him again and shoves him face first into the wire! Now just grating him back and forth. He’s tearing his face to shreds. So much for Hastings not bleeding. The clarets pouring from his face.

Hanson: His beautiful face!

Vinegar: Uh…

Hanson: You can appreciate another mans appearance without being gay you know. Geez, it’s 2009.

Vinegar: Ok, sure if you want. Raenius with the bolt cutters again and cuts out another section of wire. Charges Hastings back into the apron. Knife edge chop!

Crowd: Wh-! Oooooo…..

Vinegar: Raenius just chopped Hastings chest with that barbed wire wrapped around his hand. He doesn’t seem happy with destroying his face, he’s tearing into that chest too. There’s a second, and a third.

Hanson: At least he doesn’t have to worry about his chest going purple.

Vinegar: …?

Hanson: I’m sorry, I’m trying to hide my pain with humour.

Vinegar: Raenius rolls him into the ring and throws the pipe and chair in after him before following himself. He’s setting one chair up and going back for Hastings.

Hanson: I don’t like how this is going. Oh, no it’s ok, he’s just giving the Lord Chief a seat. He’s showing the proper respect. He’ll probably kiss his feet next.

Vinegar: I don’t think so. Raenius off the ropes. Low running clothesline!!!

Hanson: No! The Lord Chief rolled under it and back to his feet. Both men up and the Immortal nails a text book dropkick. Raenius is down.

Vinegar: Hastings claims the second chair and heads to the corner. He’s wedging it in between the top and middle rope. Looks like he has a plan.

Hanson: He always has a plan.

Vinegar: I don’t think it was that though. Raenius comes back, spins Hastings around. CHOKESLAM!!! Huge impact. In this state, that could be it. I don’t think he’s done though.

Hanson: Get up, get up, get up.

Peterson: 1.………………2.…………………3.………………..

Vinegar: Those counts are definatly slow and Glenn Burke has noticed too. Raenius has taken that pipe and headed to the top rope though.

Peterson: 4.………………..5.………………..6.………………

Hanson: He’s up! He’s up!

Vinegar: Not for long. Raenius has lined that pipe along his arm. FLYING LARIAT!!! RIGHT FROM THE TOP WITH THAT PIPE!!! WHAT AN IMPACT!!! THIS HAS TO BE OVER!!!

Hanson: No! No, no, no, no, no, no, it can’t be.

Vinegar: Burke’s in to start the count.

Burke: 1.….2.….3.…4.…

Vinegar: That’s more like it.

Burke: 5.….6.…..7.….8.….

Vinegar: Hastings hasn’t moved. This is going to be over. Raenius is going to Horizons!

Burke: ……..9.……..

Vinegar: OH MY GOD! OWEN PETERSON JUST PUNCHED GLENN BURKE!!!

Hanson: HAHAHA!!! YES!!!

Vinegar: This is unbelievable Peterson just laid out Glenn Burke!!! Raenius is stunned.

Hanson: And Peterson is picking his Lord up and propping him up into the corner. Rightly so. I can’t believe Burke had the audacity to try to count out his Lord and Master.

Vinegar: Raenius just got screwed and he is not happy. Peterson should watch his back. TOO LATE! RIPPERSNAPPER!!! RAENIUS NAILS PETERSON! BOTH REFEREES IN THE RING ARE OUT COLD! THE RESIDENT EVIL LOOKING TO FINISH A SECOND TIME! HE’S LINING UP THE FULL FRONTAL! HERE IT COMES!!!

Hanson: NO!! LORD HASTINGS GETS OUT THE WAY AND RAENIUS JUST GORE’S THROUGH THAT CHAIR!!!

Vinegar: HE COULD BE OUT! HASTINGS ISN’T DONE THOUGH! HE’S PULLED RAENIUS OUT! HE’S HOISTED HIM UP! DESTINY’S CALL!!! RIGHT ONTO THE UNFOLDED CHAIR!!!

Hanson: GET IN THERE HAZEL!

Vinegar: HAZEL EAST’S THE ONLY REFEREE LEFT. SHE RUNS INTO THE RING!

East: 1!……2!……3!……4!….

Vinegar: THIS IS A TRAVESTY!

East: 5!……6!…….7!…….

Hanson: THIS IS BRILLIANT!

East: …….8!……9!……..






























East: 10!

Ding! Ding!

Hanson: HE DID IT NICK! HE DID IT!

Vinegar: If it is screwing his way to victory with help from Owen Peterson then sure, he did it.

Dennis: Raenius has been eliminated! Here is your Battleground 2009 winner, The Immortal, Donovaaaaaaaaaaan Haaaaaastiiiiiiiiiings!!!

Hanson: It doesn’t matter how it happened. All that matters is The Immortal Lord Chief of Pain Donovan Hastings has taken what is rightfully his.

Vinegar: I have a feeling this is far from the last we’re going to hear about this. The Covenant are hardly known for being a forgiving group. Hastings may have won the match, but has he signed his own death warrant in the process?

Hanson: Are you serious? Who’s going to take him? Salem’s already destroyed their whole line up. Raenius won’t be in any state to avenge himself for a long time. Hastings has a clear run.

Vinegar: I don’t think it’s going to be so simple. I guess it’s still to be seen though. That’s it from GIW Battleground 2009. Tune into Sentinel next week to see the fallout.

Hanson: YEAH!

The GIW logo comes up as the chaos continues. In the ring Hazel East is tending to a slowly recovering Glenn Burke. Raenius has come to and is sitting bolt upright staring up the ramp where a bloody Donovan Hastings makes his exit, walking back, hands held high in victory with Calypso stood by his side, presenting the victor. Owen Peterson is still out cold with no-one seeming to care. Rubbish is thrown from the crowd towards the ramp, Hastings is able to dodge it though and continues to smile through the blood still pouring down his face. The final shot sees Hastings and Calypso look down the ramp towards the ring before disappearing behind the curtain. The show fades to black.

’Lord’ Donovan Hastings: 36

Raenius: 28

Chinatsu Chen: 14

Chassie Fear: 11

William Everknight: 0

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Battleground 2009 Credits

Opening Video
T-Rob

GIW.Com Hardcore Match
T-Rob

Mickey backstage before match
Jez

Mickey Dragon vs Salem
Moss

The Aftermath
Jez

Komo buying his ticket
Hiro

GIW Tag Team Championship Match
T-Rob

Unified Global Championship Match
Donny

Battleground Match
A-Kis

Editor
T-Rob

[Moss Works Jericho's Schedule]

Whew! What a night.

The DotCom match and tag match were, well, what they were. Entertaining fluff, congratulations to Dredd on a successful return.


Hope Mick and Salem enjoyed their match, I tried to help their story along as much as possible.

Thanks to Donovan for giving Moss so much offense so he could still look good while losing.

And congrats to Alex for acing the daunting task of the Battleground match. It was truly awesome to behold.

[Lord Hastings]

Just hoping I did justice by you.

The angry mob of Asian midgets I thought was pretty funny, the undercard matches were pretty solid across the board.

End result aside, I'm always amazed by just how well Kis "gets" Hastings. A lot of great touches and references in there that I really appreciate, plus the match as a whole was simply amazing, the right person definitely wrote it.

[Dylan James]

Dam, great show guys. The GIW.Com title match was an entertaining open, congrats to Dredd on returning to claim gold, Dragon vs. Salem was good back and forth with a nice twist there in the aftermath, Tag Team Title Match was a well written affair, with a fairly well known ending prior to the posting.

To the writer of the Unified World Title Match, well fucking done. Superb job, easily match of the show right there. Great back and forth, near falls, finishers, holy shit, good fucking job, and congrats to T-Rob for the successful Title Defense.

The BattleGround was good for the clusterfuck match that it is. Well written, the action was well described, and everyone looked strong coming out of this match. Congrats to Hastings on claiming the win.

Amazing show everyone, and congrats to all of the winners.

[>V<]

Couple hiccups between the end of the Mickey vs. Salem match and the aftermath, some places where the flow got effed, but other than that it gets the golf clap.