Post by >V< on Aug 13, 2009 10:49:37 GMT -5
The following is a *CENSORED*.com exclusive video.
Well, apparently not, since it's now on a different website than the one that I censored because I don't want to put their name out there. Those crazy hackers and their insistence on posting the same things on multiple different sites! Anyways, let's get to it!
Fade in.
Looking more out of place than we have ever seen him before, Klaus vonKnorre stands ankle-deep in the sand of South Beach. He's clad in yellow floral print swim trunks with hems below his knees, with his newest KvK logo t-shirt (availiable now in the "shop" section of this very website!)
His eyes are shielded from the sun by dark sunglasses, yet we know he's using them to covertly ogle the superfluous amounts of eye candy which wander the beach. Hey, just cause he's on a diet, don't mean that he can't have a look at the menu.
He pauses a moment to adjust his blue Orlando Magic hat before raising a *CENSORED* microphone and speaking directly to the camera. Nice choice of headgear, man. That'll help you win some points with the locals.
KvK: "Hello there, *CENSORED* fans! How the *bleep* are you?"
Wait a minute, we're bleeping things on the internet, now? *bleep*ing politically correct bull*bleep* is out of control.
KvK: "I'm here in Miami, on the sands of South Beach; with a little bit of sidewalk polling. So to speak."
A huge, hairy fat man stands behind Your Mom's Favorite Wrestler. Can of beer in one burly paw, he's obviously been attracted by the sight of the camera, just another faceless moron looking for his fifteen minutes. KvK turns to him with what couldn't possibly be a practiced smile.
KvK: "You there! How ya doing, bro?"
Dude: "Uh, I'm alright."
His voice quivers a bit, apparently unprepared for the spotlight, in spite of his willingness to show his ugly mug in front of a camera. He takes a huge drink of beer, and tries to stifle the ensuing belch. He nearly succeeds.
KvK: "You mind talking to us for a minute?"
The man looks around, obviously wondering who "us" constitutes, since KvK is alone in front of the camera. With what couldn't possibly be a pre-rehearsed line, he takes a tentative step forward.
Dude: "Uh, I dunno....this isn't some kind of infomercial thing, is it? I don't wanna be on late night television, talking about penis enlargement or real estate investments."
See what I mean? No way this dude is a paid actor. This is real, honest-to-Zombie Jesus spontaneous public polling going on here, people.
KvK: "No, no. Nothing like that. I'm from *CENSORED*, and I want to talk to you about professional wrestling."
Dude: "Rasslin?"
KvK: "Yeah, that's all. You like wrestling, don't you?"
Dude: "Sure do."
With an even wider, even more obviously unrehearsed smile, the man takes another step forward, now standing right next to KvK. He never takes his eyes off of the camera, though. For all we know, he could be reading a teleprompter. That's not the case, of course. This is obviously 100% spontaneous and genuine.
KvK: "Excellent. Here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna have you look at a couple pictures, and we'll see if you can name the individuals. Sound good?"
He reaches into the pocket of his trunks, and pulls out several folded sheets of paper. Obviously computer printouts, from the look of things. He begins unfolding them, looking into the camera with an obviously unrehearsed smile of his own.
Dude: "Alright...."
KvK: "Here's the first one."
He pulls the top sheet off of the creased stack of papers, and hands it to our newfound friend. We can now see that it's a photograph, apparently printed off of this very website. The photograph is from *CENSORED*'s bio page. The man in question stands in full wrestling gear, posing like a tough guy, eyes full of determination.
KvK: "Any idea who that is?"
The human beer keg's eyebrows scrunch up in concentration, obviously searching his mind's databanks. One hopes that he doesn't strain anything. Finally, he shakes his head.
Dude: "Naw, man. I ain't never seen that dude before in my life."
KvK: "You're sure?"
Dude: "Ayuh. Shore is wun ugly sumbitch ain't he?"
As if on a swivel, KvK's head turns all the way to the right, following the forward progress of a tanned goddess in an impossibly skimpy thong bikini as she trudges through the sand, headed in the direction of the water.
KvK: "Well, I'm not at liberty to say. God*bleep* will you look at the ass on that...?"
Dude: "Huh?"
Before the guy can look to see what KvK is looking at, he's got another picture shoved in his face. This one is of *CENSORED*, trying to look like some kind of *bleep*ing horror movie villian, I guess. He's scowling so hard, it looks like he's painfully constipated. What a dork.
KvK: "How about this guy? Know who he is?"
Head still turned in the direction of the departing human viagra, KvK bites his lip.
Dude: "Viagra?! God*bleep*it! I knew this was some kinda infomercial!"
Shut up and look at the picture, you stupid national humilation. Oh, man....what I'd do to that.....
Dude: "I don't know who that feller is either. What are y'all lookin at?"
KvK: "How about this one?"
The young woman now out of sight, lost amongst the thousands of people, KvK turns back to his guest. He thrusts the final page in the stack into the man's pudgy hand. This one is of KvK himself, perched triumphantly atop the turnbuckle, arms raised in victory. Hmmm....must be an old picture, since we're all familiar with his track record as of late.
Dude: "Nnogh....shore don't know that dude."
He looks at KvK, eyebrows scrunched together confusedly. Suddenly an almost cartoonish wave of realization washes over his features, and he looks from KvK's face, to the huge logo on the front of his shirt, then back to the picture.
Dude: "I mean, uh....yeah! This is KvK! He's my momma's favorit rassler!"
KvK gives the man a pitiful smile, and pulls the pictures from his hand before jamming them back into his pocket, not bothering to re-fold them. He switches hands on the microphone, extending the hand to the man, keeping the palm hidden from the view of the camera.
KvK: "Thanks, man. *CENSORED* appreciates your support, as well as your time here today."
The man shakes KvK's hand. A sharp-eared internet viewer might swear that they hear the rustle of paper as the man pulls his hand back, although others might argue that such things are just people being paranoid conspiracy theorists. In any case, the man jams his hand immediately into the pocket of his ratty, soiled cutoff jeans, and turns away after raising his can of beer to the camera in a silent farewell. KvK turns back to the camera, his obviously genuine smile returning.
KvK: "There you have it, internet smarks! Proof positive that no one knows who the *bleep* those two ass*bleep*s are! But you know what? I'm gonna get more definitive for you, to remove the last paltry shadow of a doubt in even the most dedicated player hater's dark black heart!"
He looks around, obviously scanning at random. Finally, he picks out a nearby sunbather. A collage-age young woman, brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, clad in the sort of pink bikini that a respectable, yet modern girl would own. She's no jaw-dropper like the slut who walked past earlier, but she's definately doable and she's the type who you wouldn't be embarassed to bring home to the annual family BBQ.
KvK: "You there! How ya doing, ma'am?"
The young woman looks up from her paperback book, a bit startled at being interrupted. She's close enough to have overheard everything up until now, yet seems like she was unaware of everything. Obviously she's just a local college student, enjoying the sunshine, trying to get some pigment in her pale skin.
Doable Chick: "Huh? Me?"
KvK: "Yeah, you! You mind talking to us for awhile?"
The young woman stands, index finger stuck in the book, holding her place. The towel she was lying on flaps in the gentle breeze, threatening to blow away. Quick as lightning, she bends at the waist and retrieves it, draping it casually over her arm. You know, bent over like that.....
KvK: "Yeah, I'd do her."
Easily Offended Chick: "What's that?"
She looks from the camera to KvK, eyebrow raised quizzically. You know, up close like this, I dunno. She might be one of those clingy *bleep*es
KvK: "I said, uh....nice beach towel. Sponge Bob, very original."
Possibly Clingy Chick: "Yeah, I know! It was on sale at Target! Can you believe it? I was there with my girlfriend Charlese, and she was all 'omigod!' and I was all...."
Wordlessly, KvK snatches the pictures out of his pocket, and thrusts them at the chick, not bothering to smooth them out at all. The young woman looks at the crumpled mess of paper in her hand, and then at KvK.
Getting Less Attractive By The Minute Chick: "What's this?"
KvK: "Just some pictures, take a look and tell me who they are."
The young woman uncrumples the pages, and studies each one carefully. Looking from one to the other as if she was instructed to compare and contrast them.
What The *bleep* Was I Thinking When I Said I Would Do This Chick She's Obviously One Of Those Chicks That Thinks She's Unique And Special And Smart But In Reality She's Just Another Aireheaded Bimbo Chick: "Well, I dunno who the first two dudes are, but the third one is obviously you. You look a lot younger there, but it's you for sure. Is this some kind of prank? Did my sorority sisters send you? Omigod! They did, didn't they?"
KvK: "That'll be all thank you very much *CENSORED* appreciates your support bye bye."
His run-on sentance complete, filled with obviously genuine appreciation at the young woman's assistance, KvK turns back to the camera.
KvK: "Well, folks, there you have it. Undeniable proof from both sexes that I am far more recognizable and memorable than those other two Nancies could ever hope to be."
Oh God She's Not Leaving Why The *bleep* Did Klaus Have To Talk To That Chick Because Now She's Never Gonna Leave And We'll Have To Bury Her In The Sand And Run Out Chick: "Uhhh...."
KvK: "You see, even though nameless, faceless drones think that they can make a name for themselves by scoring a tainted victory over me by....say, using the ropes for leverage after rolling me up from behind, I'm still the mother*bleep*ing legend. I'm the legend that will beat some God*bleep* sense into anyone who thinks that they're better than me."
Don't you love this guy? I know I sure do. No homo.
KvK: "You know the difference between everyone else and me? I've got nothing left to prove. I've done it all. Twice. And then I told your mom all about it in bed, right after I got done *bleep*ing her from behind. Vices? You're God*bleep* right I'm prone to them. And you know what my all-time favorite vice is?"
Cursing? The censorship is really getting annoying, by the way. Good job, corporate.
KvK: "Violence...."
The video fades to black as Dope's newest corny lyric anthem 'Violence' begins to play. An almost preposterous amount of names and titles begin to scroll up the screen, an impossible number of credits for a short internet video. Of course, there's a ridiculous amount of URL addresses listed, as well. Some of them even overlap one another in an obvious attempt at cyber survival of the fittest. Well, that was dumb. What else does Youtube have for us today?
Fade out.
Well, apparently not, since it's now on a different website than the one that I censored because I don't want to put their name out there. Those crazy hackers and their insistence on posting the same things on multiple different sites! Anyways, let's get to it!
Fade in.
Looking more out of place than we have ever seen him before, Klaus vonKnorre stands ankle-deep in the sand of South Beach. He's clad in yellow floral print swim trunks with hems below his knees, with his newest KvK logo t-shirt (availiable now in the "shop" section of this very website!)
His eyes are shielded from the sun by dark sunglasses, yet we know he's using them to covertly ogle the superfluous amounts of eye candy which wander the beach. Hey, just cause he's on a diet, don't mean that he can't have a look at the menu.
He pauses a moment to adjust his blue Orlando Magic hat before raising a *CENSORED* microphone and speaking directly to the camera. Nice choice of headgear, man. That'll help you win some points with the locals.
KvK: "Hello there, *CENSORED* fans! How the *bleep* are you?"
Wait a minute, we're bleeping things on the internet, now? *bleep*ing politically correct bull*bleep* is out of control.
KvK: "I'm here in Miami, on the sands of South Beach; with a little bit of sidewalk polling. So to speak."
A huge, hairy fat man stands behind Your Mom's Favorite Wrestler. Can of beer in one burly paw, he's obviously been attracted by the sight of the camera, just another faceless moron looking for his fifteen minutes. KvK turns to him with what couldn't possibly be a practiced smile.
KvK: "You there! How ya doing, bro?"
Dude: "Uh, I'm alright."
His voice quivers a bit, apparently unprepared for the spotlight, in spite of his willingness to show his ugly mug in front of a camera. He takes a huge drink of beer, and tries to stifle the ensuing belch. He nearly succeeds.
KvK: "You mind talking to us for a minute?"
The man looks around, obviously wondering who "us" constitutes, since KvK is alone in front of the camera. With what couldn't possibly be a pre-rehearsed line, he takes a tentative step forward.
Dude: "Uh, I dunno....this isn't some kind of infomercial thing, is it? I don't wanna be on late night television, talking about penis enlargement or real estate investments."
See what I mean? No way this dude is a paid actor. This is real, honest-to-Zombie Jesus spontaneous public polling going on here, people.
KvK: "No, no. Nothing like that. I'm from *CENSORED*, and I want to talk to you about professional wrestling."
Dude: "Rasslin?"
KvK: "Yeah, that's all. You like wrestling, don't you?"
Dude: "Sure do."
With an even wider, even more obviously unrehearsed smile, the man takes another step forward, now standing right next to KvK. He never takes his eyes off of the camera, though. For all we know, he could be reading a teleprompter. That's not the case, of course. This is obviously 100% spontaneous and genuine.
KvK: "Excellent. Here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna have you look at a couple pictures, and we'll see if you can name the individuals. Sound good?"
He reaches into the pocket of his trunks, and pulls out several folded sheets of paper. Obviously computer printouts, from the look of things. He begins unfolding them, looking into the camera with an obviously unrehearsed smile of his own.
Dude: "Alright...."
KvK: "Here's the first one."
He pulls the top sheet off of the creased stack of papers, and hands it to our newfound friend. We can now see that it's a photograph, apparently printed off of this very website. The photograph is from *CENSORED*'s bio page. The man in question stands in full wrestling gear, posing like a tough guy, eyes full of determination.
KvK: "Any idea who that is?"
The human beer keg's eyebrows scrunch up in concentration, obviously searching his mind's databanks. One hopes that he doesn't strain anything. Finally, he shakes his head.
Dude: "Naw, man. I ain't never seen that dude before in my life."
KvK: "You're sure?"
Dude: "Ayuh. Shore is wun ugly sumbitch ain't he?"
As if on a swivel, KvK's head turns all the way to the right, following the forward progress of a tanned goddess in an impossibly skimpy thong bikini as she trudges through the sand, headed in the direction of the water.
KvK: "Well, I'm not at liberty to say. God*bleep* will you look at the ass on that...?"
Dude: "Huh?"
Before the guy can look to see what KvK is looking at, he's got another picture shoved in his face. This one is of *CENSORED*, trying to look like some kind of *bleep*ing horror movie villian, I guess. He's scowling so hard, it looks like he's painfully constipated. What a dork.
KvK: "How about this guy? Know who he is?"
Head still turned in the direction of the departing human viagra, KvK bites his lip.
Dude: "Viagra?! God*bleep*it! I knew this was some kinda infomercial!"
Shut up and look at the picture, you stupid national humilation. Oh, man....what I'd do to that.....
Dude: "I don't know who that feller is either. What are y'all lookin at?"
KvK: "How about this one?"
The young woman now out of sight, lost amongst the thousands of people, KvK turns back to his guest. He thrusts the final page in the stack into the man's pudgy hand. This one is of KvK himself, perched triumphantly atop the turnbuckle, arms raised in victory. Hmmm....must be an old picture, since we're all familiar with his track record as of late.
Dude: "Nnogh....shore don't know that dude."
He looks at KvK, eyebrows scrunched together confusedly. Suddenly an almost cartoonish wave of realization washes over his features, and he looks from KvK's face, to the huge logo on the front of his shirt, then back to the picture.
Dude: "I mean, uh....yeah! This is KvK! He's my momma's favorit rassler!"
KvK gives the man a pitiful smile, and pulls the pictures from his hand before jamming them back into his pocket, not bothering to re-fold them. He switches hands on the microphone, extending the hand to the man, keeping the palm hidden from the view of the camera.
KvK: "Thanks, man. *CENSORED* appreciates your support, as well as your time here today."
The man shakes KvK's hand. A sharp-eared internet viewer might swear that they hear the rustle of paper as the man pulls his hand back, although others might argue that such things are just people being paranoid conspiracy theorists. In any case, the man jams his hand immediately into the pocket of his ratty, soiled cutoff jeans, and turns away after raising his can of beer to the camera in a silent farewell. KvK turns back to the camera, his obviously genuine smile returning.
KvK: "There you have it, internet smarks! Proof positive that no one knows who the *bleep* those two ass*bleep*s are! But you know what? I'm gonna get more definitive for you, to remove the last paltry shadow of a doubt in even the most dedicated player hater's dark black heart!"
He looks around, obviously scanning at random. Finally, he picks out a nearby sunbather. A collage-age young woman, brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, clad in the sort of pink bikini that a respectable, yet modern girl would own. She's no jaw-dropper like the slut who walked past earlier, but she's definately doable and she's the type who you wouldn't be embarassed to bring home to the annual family BBQ.
KvK: "You there! How ya doing, ma'am?"
The young woman looks up from her paperback book, a bit startled at being interrupted. She's close enough to have overheard everything up until now, yet seems like she was unaware of everything. Obviously she's just a local college student, enjoying the sunshine, trying to get some pigment in her pale skin.
Doable Chick: "Huh? Me?"
KvK: "Yeah, you! You mind talking to us for awhile?"
The young woman stands, index finger stuck in the book, holding her place. The towel she was lying on flaps in the gentle breeze, threatening to blow away. Quick as lightning, she bends at the waist and retrieves it, draping it casually over her arm. You know, bent over like that.....
KvK: "Yeah, I'd do her."
Easily Offended Chick: "What's that?"
She looks from the camera to KvK, eyebrow raised quizzically. You know, up close like this, I dunno. She might be one of those clingy *bleep*es
KvK: "I said, uh....nice beach towel. Sponge Bob, very original."
Possibly Clingy Chick: "Yeah, I know! It was on sale at Target! Can you believe it? I was there with my girlfriend Charlese, and she was all 'omigod!' and I was all...."
Wordlessly, KvK snatches the pictures out of his pocket, and thrusts them at the chick, not bothering to smooth them out at all. The young woman looks at the crumpled mess of paper in her hand, and then at KvK.
Getting Less Attractive By The Minute Chick: "What's this?"
KvK: "Just some pictures, take a look and tell me who they are."
The young woman uncrumples the pages, and studies each one carefully. Looking from one to the other as if she was instructed to compare and contrast them.
What The *bleep* Was I Thinking When I Said I Would Do This Chick She's Obviously One Of Those Chicks That Thinks She's Unique And Special And Smart But In Reality She's Just Another Aireheaded Bimbo Chick: "Well, I dunno who the first two dudes are, but the third one is obviously you. You look a lot younger there, but it's you for sure. Is this some kind of prank? Did my sorority sisters send you? Omigod! They did, didn't they?"
KvK: "That'll be all thank you very much *CENSORED* appreciates your support bye bye."
His run-on sentance complete, filled with obviously genuine appreciation at the young woman's assistance, KvK turns back to the camera.
KvK: "Well, folks, there you have it. Undeniable proof from both sexes that I am far more recognizable and memorable than those other two Nancies could ever hope to be."
Oh God She's Not Leaving Why The *bleep* Did Klaus Have To Talk To That Chick Because Now She's Never Gonna Leave And We'll Have To Bury Her In The Sand And Run Out Chick: "Uhhh...."
KvK: "You see, even though nameless, faceless drones think that they can make a name for themselves by scoring a tainted victory over me by....say, using the ropes for leverage after rolling me up from behind, I'm still the mother*bleep*ing legend. I'm the legend that will beat some God*bleep* sense into anyone who thinks that they're better than me."
Don't you love this guy? I know I sure do. No homo.
KvK: "You know the difference between everyone else and me? I've got nothing left to prove. I've done it all. Twice. And then I told your mom all about it in bed, right after I got done *bleep*ing her from behind. Vices? You're God*bleep* right I'm prone to them. And you know what my all-time favorite vice is?"
Cursing? The censorship is really getting annoying, by the way. Good job, corporate.
KvK: "Violence...."
The video fades to black as Dope's newest corny lyric anthem 'Violence' begins to play. An almost preposterous amount of names and titles begin to scroll up the screen, an impossible number of credits for a short internet video. Of course, there's a ridiculous amount of URL addresses listed, as well. Some of them even overlap one another in an obvious attempt at cyber survival of the fittest. Well, that was dumb. What else does Youtube have for us today?
Fade out.