Post by Lord Hastings on Jun 11, 2018 19:55:08 GMT -5
You can hear the chattering of a large crowd, but no visuals. As a cold, blue spotlight clicks on over a blocky “U”, the opening strains of “Red Cold River” by Breaking Benjamin slowly tease the opening. A slow, CO2 mist curls out from around the letters as the fans start to get excited. Spotlights continue to flick on over subsequent letters, “G,” “W,” “C,” and when Ben Burnley screams “RUN” to usher in the song proper, the stage lights up with six-foot blue flames and the word “Chill” is emblazoned in black across the company letters. The fans hit their feet as pyros fly, and we’re taken to ringside to join our broadcast team of Aaron Reese, "The Drunken Buzzsaw" Chaos and Daniel Hanson.
Reese: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the second episode of UGWC CHILL!! I’m your host Aaron Reese! To my left is the most colorful colorman in the business, UGWC legend and Hall of Fame member, “The Drunken Buzzsaw”, Chaos.
Chaos: Yo.
Reese: And to my left is the often acerbic but infrequently insightful Daniel Hanson.
Chaos: I hear that he’d like to stay clear of chunky Asians.
Reese: As I recall, they shouldn’t do flips, either.
Hanson: I’d rather not talk about it.
Chaos: That’s a fuckin' first.
Hanson: I already detest you.
Chaos: You got a fuckin' point, Hanson?
Reese: Moving on. We’re coming off of the heels of the stunningly successful “Massive Melee” and some of the events of the Melee are going to carry over to tonight.
Chaos: Tonight’s show also includes the throwback from wayback giving an undeserved rematch to someone I already find annoying, and I’ve never even met her.
Reese: What my comrade on commentary is referring to is the much spoken of rematch from our inaugural chill as Captain Eighties faces LindsEy Bunny.
Chaos: Personally I think the dumbshit in the mask should tell the whiny chick to shut up. She lost. Move the fuck on. He doesn’t owe her shit.
Hanson: For once I agree with the drunk to my thankfully far left.
Chaos: I’ll wash my happiness of that down with my beer. If nothing else it’ll enjoy it more than hearing you yammer.
Reese: The rematch between Captain 80s and LindsEy Bunny is the second match of the night. Our opener is the return of an old favorite as we see Annie Fugate take on one third of “Shakedown”, Venus in a “Boss Penguin on a Pole” match.
Hanson: It’s too bad that we have to see the return of such stupidity here.
Chaos: They let you back in the building.
Hanson: I have no idea what you’re implying.
Chaos: I’d tell you not to be a fuckin' moron, but you might stop breathing. Which now that I think about it…
Hanson: You think?
Reese: Oh boy…
Chaos: You’re within arms reach…
Hanson: Reese is in the way. You’ll hit him first.
Reese: I’ll duck.
Chaos: I’ll wait until he ducks.
Hanson: I hate both of you.
Chaos: I’ll drink to that.
Hanson: You’ll drink to anything.
Chaos: Well... yeah.
Reese: It has been years since we’ve seen the “Boss Penguin on a Pole” match. This particular match is a callback to our pre- UGWC days as GIW. Hanson, would you care you fill our fans in on who Boss Penguin, or “Boss P” as he was commonly referred, was?
Hanson: No.
Chaos: Stop pouting.
Hanson: No.
Chaos: Reese, would you move? I feel an intervention coming on.
Reese: Certainly.
Hanson: Fine. Fine. You don’t have to be a dick about it.
Chaos: You’re right, I don’t. But it comes naturally, and frankly, there ain't nothing you can fuckin' do about it anyway.
Reese: He has a point, Daniel.
Hanson: I hate you.
Reese: We’ll live. For those who don’t know, Boss Penguin was UGWC’s resident Penguin-American. He was a chain smoking, foul mouthed and occasionally violent but always colorful member of the GIW and then UGWC community. His presence and at least intermittent say in events often frustrated the roster, but he was never boring.
Hanson: He was obnoxious.
Chaos: So are you. We let you in the building, the fuck if I know why.
Hanson: I’m a world-class colorman.
Chaos: You’re a world-class jackass who’s afraid of overweight Asian gymnasts.
Hanson: I didn’t know that you could speak in complete sentences without swearing.
Chaos: You learned something new today, Hanson. Now shut the fuck up and get over it.
Reese: The idea of the “Boss Penguin on a Pole” match is that one of the two people in the match has to climb the pole, pull down the faux Boss Penguin and then pummel their opponent into submission with it.
Chaos: Weird, but could be effective.
Hanson: We should have left this silliness behind when the annoying little critter retired.
Chaos: If I retire you right here, right now, can we retire obnoxious color commentators?
Reese: That’s a charming idea. Two votes.
Chaos: Fuckin A right. I’ll bring it up with Hastings.
Reese: The third match of tonight will feature the return of Carnage Wrestling legend “The Answer” JC as he takes on the newly returned Holden Orson in a Stretcher Map.
Chaos: “The Answer” takes on "The Hipster". Fuckin' hipsters... good thing I brought a lot of beer.
Hanson: Scoff.
Chaos: Do that again and I’ll pound your head into the table.
Reese: The last time we saw JC here he was feuding with UGWC legend and Court member, Jet Somers.
Hanson: A match he won.
Reese: Your point?
Hanson: Just saying.
Reese: Ok. Anyway, this match has very disparate styles at play as JC is largely power based and Orson is…
Chaos: Fucking weird.
Reese: I was going to say “unique”.
Chaos: I saved you the trouble.
Reese: Thank you?
Chaos: No problem.
Hanson: Can we try to act like professionals here?
Chaos: If we don’t, the fuck are you going to do about it?
Hanson: To you? Nothing. To Reese…
Chaos: Nothing.
Hanson: Right.
Chaos: That’s what I thought, douche.
Hanson: Like you think.
Chaos: What was that?
Hanson: Nothing.
Chaos: Good boy.
Reese: Now that we have that settled, it’s time for the first “Boss Penguin on a Pole” match. The last time we had a “Boss Penguin on a Pole” match was back in our Global Impact Wrestling days at the 2008 “Distant Whispers” event. That event took place on November 29th, 2008 at the old GIW Arena in Los Angeles and saw “Diamond” Jack Severino defeat Andy Savana, Sean Cyanide and Solomon.
Hanson: “Diamond” Jack was a force to be reckoned with back in the day. I don’t know that the current UGWC roster has anyone comparable.
Reese: I think we’ve had guys who were tougher, including the man who’s sitting to my right.
Hanson: Kiss ass.
Chaos: I never wrestled Severino, but I’ve kicked the shit out of plenty of meathead guys like him. Big doesn’t mean good.
Reese: Severino was great for a while and then disappeared. Be that as it may, he was one of the last people who was involved in the match that we’re about to see. The premise of this match is weird, if simple. There’s a “Boss Penguin” effigy on the top of a pole. The competitors fight until one of them can get it from the pole, beat their opponent into submission and then kick it into the crowd.
Chaos: That’s stupid. I’ve seen some fucking idiotic matches, but this one sounds completely pointless.
Reese: It’s unique, I’ll grant you that.
Chaos: I’m no wrestling purist…
Hanson: You can say that again. I’ve seen trash cans with more wrestling talent than you.
Chaos: Keep that shit up and I’ll stuff your ass in the garbage.
Reese: On that note, here we go!