Chill #3 Results

[DrunkenBuzzsaw]

Complete darkness engulfs the area, as the entire crowd breaks into cheers. A spotlight flickers to life, blue in color, shining directly on the letter “U”. As the opening strains of Breaking Benjamin’s “Red Cold River” begin to play, a fog of CO2 begins to drift around the letter “U”, before more spotlights flicker to life, subsequently showcasing the letters “G”, “W”, and finally, “C”. At the scream of “RUN”, blue flames fire up from the stage, the word “Chill” appearing, emblazoned in black across the company letters. As pyrotechnics begin going off at the stage area, the announce table camera feed comes to life, showing from left to right, Aaron Reese, ‘The Drunken Buzzsaw’ Chaos, and finally, Daniel Hanson..

Reese: Good evening, ladies and gents, and welcome to the third episode of UGWC CHILL!. To my immediate left is the best damn off-color commentator this business has ever see, Hall of Famer Chaos.

Hanson: Isn’t he the only off-color commentator in the business?

Chaos: Point still stands, dickhead. Now stop interrupting.

Reese: Thank you, Chaos. And to my far left, ‘Mr. Interruption Extraordinaire’, Daniel Hanson.

Hanson: Well if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it to the best of your ability.

Chaos: And yet you’re still a fuckin’ failure. Fucks sake, son.

Hanson: If I haven’t told you I hate you lately, just remember that I do.

Chaos: And you remember that I don’t give a shit.

Reese: It’s always great to feel so much love at the top of a show. And guys, this third edition of #Chill comes to us one week removed from UGWC ‘Day of Reckoning’, which saw two of the championships successfully defended, as Travis Pierce was able to withstand the challenge from Roxy Cotton, and the tandem of Sarah and Kenzi-

Hanson: Team Kickass

Reese: Known collectively as Team Kickass, stomped out the challenge from Konrad Raab and Phrixus Deimos.

Chaos: So anxious to hear himself talk, isn’t he Reese?

Hanson: Are you speaking of me?

Chaos: Does a bear shit in the woods?

Reese: And in the ‘Day of Reckoning’ main event, we witnessed a new World and Cross-Hemisphere Champion crowned in the TLC Fatal Fourway Match.

Hanson: Yeah, and I know Chaos here was happiest of all at the culmination of that match!

Chaos: Well if it’s any consolation, after being teamed up with you on a monthly basis Hanson, I think I finally found someone that I fuckin’ hate worse than that asshole.

Hanson: Hate is such a strong emotion, Chaos. Were you not hugged enough as a child?

Chaos: I don’t think I brought enough Chadweisers for tonight, Reese.

Reese: What?!

The lights go out, and stay out for a few seconds, before a lone spotlight begins to shine down upon the stage. As the music first starts out, fireworks go off around the area that the spotlight showcases. Up through the flooring of the stage rises 'Vain' Alan Wallace - a buxom blonde standing to his left, and a gorgeous brunette standing to his right. As the lift that they are being raised by comes to a stop, the two women drop to their knees and turn towards him, running their hands down his chest and the World and Cross-Hemisphere Championships that he wears around his waist, one above the other. Vain tosses the hood of his robe back, revealing that beautiful money maker of his, and then throws his arms up in the air as he begins walking towards the ring, and his two harlots make their way backstage. Upon entering the ring, he spins around in a circle with his arms raised high, basking in the reaction of the people. He then motions for a microphone, much to Chaos’ dismay.

Chaos: Yup… definitely didn’t bring enough to fuckin’ drink…

Hanson: What better way to shine a spotlight down upon UGWC Chill than to have the World and Cross-Hemisphere Champion here in the flesh?!

Chaos: Shut the fuck up, Hanson.

The crowd boos as Vain brings the microphone to his lips.

“Thank you, thank you. Really, you’re all too kind. ‘The Vain One’ appreciates it more than you know.”

The boos grow louder, as the smile on Vain’s face grows bigger.

“People, please… there really is no need to boo the talent down here on Chill, just because little old me has made an appearance. They need your acceptance now more than ever.”

More boos from the crowd, as Vain looks down and admires the titles strapped around his waist.

Reese: The crowd here in St. Paul is really letting our new champion have it here tonight, but he doesn’t look phased by it.

Chaos: That’s because he’s an idiotic fuckin’ tool, Reese.

Hanson: Show some respect for the World and C-H Champ, guys. Be professional.

“It’s been only a week since I came into this cesspool and did exactly what I said I was going to do, and as someone who cares deeply about all facets of the great company that I have the luxury of being employed by, I feel as if I should take it upon myself to be a beacon of hope for all members of UGWC. Even those in the… minor leagues.”

Vain visibly shudders as he finishes his sentence, eliciting even more boos from the thousands in attendance. He then turns and focuses on the announce table.

“I do not say this to look down upon anyone in the back, but let’s face it, anything that has that buffoon attached to won’t find itself marked on anyone’s DVR, that’s for sure.”

Vain points at Chaos as he says the words, drawing laughter from Daniel Hanson.

Chaos: Fuck you laughing for, Hanson? You’re on the same exact show he’s degrading right now.

Hanson: Sounds to me as if he’s downgrading you, Chaos.

“Even though nobody who is regularly booked here on Chill has a snowball's chance in Hell of ever becoming a UGWC World or UGWC Cross-Hemisphere Champion - much less becoming both in one match… it still doesn’t mean that, as the greatest entertainment professional to ever grace a ring, I shouldn’t take it upon myself to at least feign slight interest in making an appearance, and showing them what they could possibly become at some point in the future. Even if we all know they never will.”

The crowd’s boos echo throughout the area, only serving to further cause Vain greater happiness.

Chaos: Fuck this.

Reese: Chaos, what are you doing?

Chaos rises from his seat at the announce table, yelling over for Mark Thompson to bring him a mic.

Chaos: Enough of this shit, you smarmy fuckin’ prick.

The crowd cheers, as Chaos climbs on top of the announce table, knocking Hanson’s drink over in the process. Vain turns towards the interruption, his smile diminishing, albeit only slightly.

Chaos: I don’t give a shit what titles you hold, dickweed. Don’t give you the fuckin’ right to come to Chill and talk shit, because you ain’t earned the fuckin’ right.

“Mr. Anthony, I’d be lying if I said that it was a pleasure to see you. Kudos to you, however, for finding a way to suck even more money from the company that you never deserved to be hired by in the first place. How you continue to be affiliated with my company is definitely a head-scratcher. Then again, it’s also the company that still employs Dave Rydell, so I guess nobody is perfect.”

Chaos: You talk a lot of shit for someone who’s gonna get his ass kicked by Jet in a few weeks. So don’t get used to having that C-H Title around your waist, asswipe, because that shit is coming home to New Orleans where it belongs real goddamned soon.

“Home to New Orleans? Really? And why is New Orleans considered its home, Mr. Anthony? It sure as hell isn’t because you held it, because you never did. In fact, you never held this World Championship, either. All you ever brought to UGWC was the ability to use a weapon, and the ability to leech onto others. Those are the only two reasons that you ever held championship gold within this great company, so my suggestion to you would be to sit down and listen closely, because I am only going to say this one. Jet Somers is not in my league.”

More boos from the crowd, as Chaos flips him the bird. Vain merely smiles.

“The fact that he somehow lucked his way into challenging for my Cross-Hemisphere Championship by defeating the equally unimpressive Gabriel Baal is a travesty that should have never occurred. However, it has, and I will take it upon myself to show Mr. Somers that the best thing that he could do is to make amends with both Eden Morgan and Gabriel Baal… because he is only relevant in this business, when he has others to attach himself to. Pierce, The Court, your silly little band of convict bicyclists. The only time that anyone cares about Jet Somers at all, is when he is blending into the background, content to be one of the many... instead of stepping ahead of everyone, and being content to stand on his own. Sound familiar, Chad?”

The crowd erupts, as Chaos smiles. Hopping down off of the table, he retakes his seat, motioning for Vain to continue. Wallace, looking like the cat that ate the canary, turns away from where the announcers are seated, and comes face-to-face with Jet Somers. Before Vain can even react, Jet begins laying into him with right hands, forcing Wallace back into the corner. A high knee stops Jet in his tracks, and Wallace begins returning the favor. Soon the two men are back in the center of the ring, both throwing haymakers at the other.

Chaos: Looks like he gets to have his ass kicked tonight, too. Bonus.

Reese: Security personnel are descending to the ring, attempting to separate these two men, as Chill General Manager Ichabod watches from the top of the stage.

Hanson: Doesn’t look as if either one of them appreciate our security force trying to do their jobs.

Wallace and Somers stop hitting each other for a moment, both men turning their attention towards the security members. Soon, Wallace and Somers have dispatched each member of security through the ropes and out to the floor, and have started beating on one another again. A pele kick connects with the top of Vain’s head, sending him through the ropes and out to the floor, landing in front of the announcers table.

Reese: Jet doesn’t seem content to leave things as they are, and he is stepping through the ropes and hopping out to the floor.

Hanson: This is not the way that a champion should be treated, Aaron. Jet Somers should be reprimanded for his actions. He should be stripped of his title shot!

Chaos: Fuck off, Hanson.

Reese: Our General Manager is making his way down the ramp, and he doesn’t look happy.

Ichabod comes around the ring, as Jet has dragged Wallace back to his feet, and shoved him back-first into the ring apron. Jet wraps his hands around the back of Vain’s head, and begins connecting with vicious knees to Vain’s face. Ichabod over now, attempting to pull Jet off of Alan, but Somers is ignoring him.

Reese: Ichabod attempting to restore order, but Jet Somers is having none of it.

Hanson: This is ridiculous.

Chaos: The schmuck deserves it.

Ichabod finally manages to pull Jet off of Wallace, but Somers jerks away from him. Ichabod then shoves Jet as hard as he can, Somers hitting the floor, but immediately getting back to his feet.

Chaos: Oh, hell no.

Reese: Chaos, don’t do anything dumb.

Hanson: Now that’s funny. Good one, Reese.

Chaos hops over the table, side-by-side with Jet, as a seething Alan Wallace stands side-by-side with Ichabod. The two sides just stare at one another, as the crowd goes crazy.

Reese: Cooler heads need to prevail here, that much is for sure.

Hanson: I say let them fight. Both Chaos and Somers need to be taught a bit of respect.

Reese: It seems that our cameras are taking us to the backstage area!

Hanson: Damn Aaron, excitable, aren’t you?

[DrunkenBuzzsaw]

Backstage in a room equipped with a meeting table and a handful of folding chairs, the newly appointed Outlast Team Captain Gabriel Baal and his Co-Captain Eden Morgan study a paper attached to a clipboard. Gabriel tsks.

Gabriel: I clearly asked Donovan for a list of draftables, yet your name is on here. He really can't help but fuck up, can he?

Eden: It's in his DNA, I think. Unavoidable, really.

Gabriel shrugs and places the clipboard on the table, the names clearly seen. Several names in the list are crossed out with “Captain” written to the side, one name scratched out heavily to the point it is indiscernible, “He Who Must Not Be Named” written to the side of it.

Gabriel: So, who's to be first?

He asks the question with glee, rubbing his hands together.

Eden: Gabriel.. we may not have thought something through.

Gabriel: Us? That's a joke, right?

Eden: The-- requests for meetings with potential team candidates-- we may have scared some of the roster..

Gabriel: Poppycock--

Eden: Turns out, owls carrying messages are kinda cute. Snakes... not so much.

Gabriel pauses, considering her words for a moment.

Gabriel: Oh. Huh.

Eden: Yeah.

Just then, Roxy Cotton enters the room, smiling coquettishly at Captain 80's as he holds the door open for her.

Gabriel: Ms. Cotton, Mr... ah... 80's? So glad you could join us.

Roxy and Eden look at each other, both rolling their eyes simultaneously, which meant that neither of them got the benefit of seeing the other's eye roll. Total loss.

Eden: As Co-Captain to Gabriel's Captain for Outlast--

Roxy snickers.

Roxy: #ThatsNotAThing

Eden and Gabriel: Yes it is.

Gabriel clears his throat.

Gabriel: As my lovely Co-Captain was saying, we've comprised a couple of questions to ask members of the roster who are on the list of draftables--

Captain 80's: OHHHH YEEEEEAHHHH--

Eden silences the Captain with a hand.

Eden: Hold that thought.

Roxy: Did you just... how dare you...

Gabriel: We're wasting time and we have others to speak with. Ms. Cotton... Captain... if you'll have a seat please, this won't take long. We have a question for each of you, and then one you'll both answer, if you don't mind. Eden, if you'll begin?

Eden looks to Roxy and smiles sweetly.

Eden: Roxy...

Roxy makes a face at her and then returns to smiling at Captain 80's as he flexes his biceps. A crafty smile forms on Eden's face.

Eden: Roxy, your question first.

She clears her throat and looks down at a card before her.

Eden: Vinnie, Captain 80’s, and.... ugh... Necron... are drowning. Your boobs obviously double as floatation devices, but you can only save one. Who do you save and why?

She looks to Roxy with a satisfied grin over the question posed.

Roxy: Ummmm, like, I'm pretty sure Vinnie can swim really really well, and like Captain 80s has amazing lung power so he can hold his breath WAY longer. But Necron is made of dry old bones and dusty rags so he probably floats? This is hard! I think I'd have to save Vinnie since the ocean is like really bad for your hair and also because he probably gave me a ride to the beach.

She smiles at Captain 80's and shrugs her shoulders in an apology that she hadn't chosen him, Captain 80's nodding, satisfied with her answer while she hangs off his arms.

Gabriel: Fascinating. And now you, Captain. Can you’re explain, clearly and concisely, what happened to the Libyan terrorists in Back to the Future? The crash looked survivable. Why didn’t they bother Doc and Marty again, and are they still trying to make a nuclear bomb?

Eden and Gabriel both hide their smiles at the ridiculousness of the question, Roxy glaring at them both.

Captain 80's: YEEAAH, GABRIEL BAAL, THE CAPTAIN HAS A PERFECT AND PERSONAL UNDERSTANDING OF THE INTRICACIES OF TIME AND SPACE! AS YOU UNDOUBTEDLY KNOW, TIME IS NOT LINEAR!! OH NO! TIME IS A MANY SPLENDORED THING, GABRIEL BAAL!! EACH TINY DECISION THE FIRST MATES (HASHTAG#) LIKE YOU MAKE EXPLOOOODES INTO A MILLION TIMELINES, ALL TESSELATING OUT INTO INFINITY!! YEAAH!! EVERYTHING THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED, DID IN FACT HAPPEN!! WHATEVER OUTCOME YOUR MIND CAN IMAGINE FROM THAT ONE, TINY, INFINITESIMAL ACTION, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY CORRECT, AND EVEN INCORRECT AT THE EXACT SAME TIME!! YEAAH!

As the last “YEAAH!” dies down, Gabriel and Eden exchange a glance. Gabriel is the first to recover.

Gabriel: Right. This next question is for the two of you. Roxy, if you wouldn't mind answering first? Can you tell me about a time you've managed to fend off a seven foot tall supernatural being, single-handedly, so that we don't have to get involved?

Roxy: You know, I thought I would have to fend off Necron a lot ever since I kissed him at WrestleStock... but... honestly... he hasn't really made any moves, if you get my drift? I'm starting to worry if I maybe picked a gay zombie, but I know he has an ex girlfriend, that's where he got this awesome necklace he gave me. Plus he's always saying really romantic stuff like how he's gonna raze cities and burn families for me. He's so sweet. But like he would never hurt me so I wouldn't even have to fight him. I've got him wrapped around my pretty little finger. Duh.

Eden shakes her head at the answer from the Cool Kid.

Eden: And you, Captain? Same question, but must you yell--

Captain 80's: ABSOLUTELY, EDEN MORGAN!! THE CAPTAIN HAS SWEPT THE LEGS OF MANY LARGER THAN LIFE FOES IN HIS MANY TRAVELS ACROSS SPACE AND TIME!! YEAAH!! THE CAPTAIN DID BATTLE WITH THE MIGHTY THULSA DOOM IN HAND TO HAND COMBAT, AND EMERGED VICTORIOUS!! THE CAPTAIN SURVIVED A BRAWL IN THE DESERT AGAINST LORD HUMUNGUS THAT FREED A TINY VILLAGE OF SURVIVORS!! THE LAST TIME THE CAPTAIN TRAVELED TO CYBERTRON, HE HEADBUTTED STARSCREAM SO HARD HE FORGOT TO BETRAY MEGATRON! YEAAH!

Eden: Okay, I think that's--

Captain 80's: THE CAPTAIN DROPPED AN ELBOW FROM THE TOP OF THE CRYSTAL TOWER ON TO THE LORD OF DARKNESS, GAVE THE CELLAR DWELLER A DDT THROUGH THE CONCRETE FOUNDATION, AND GAVE OLD PUMPKINHEAD THE CAPTAIN'S LOG TWICE, EDEN MORGAN!! THE CAPTAIN'S PROWESS AND COURAGE EVEN GAVE HIM THE POWER TO CLEAR OUT AN ENTIRE COLONY OF CANNIBALISTIC HUMANOID UNDERGROUND DWELLERS!!

Gabriel: Right then, if we could just--

Captain 80's: THE CAPTAIN HAS WHATEVER IT TAKES TO STAND BEFORE ANY FOE OF ANY SIZE FROM ANY DIMENSION, AND BRING THEM DOWN TO PROTECT THE FIRST MATES LIKE YOU!! YEAAH!!

He finally quietens, Eden and Gabriel blinking at him from across the table.

Gabriel: I think that's all--

Eden: Yeah that's definitely it--

Gabriel and Eden: You can go now.

Roxy shoots them a scathing look as she and Captain 80's walk out of the room, leaving Gabriel and his Co-Captain shaking their heads.

[DrunkenBuzzsaw]

The Captain’s Scaffold Match
Annie Fugate vs Roxy Cotton

Reese: So, uhh, does anyone want to address what we just saw happen backstage?

Hanson: I think it’s atrocious. Roxy Cotton and Captain 80’s are in cahoots, and at a time where Roxy is slated to square off against Annie Fugate, for the right to touch The Captain? What if she already has?!

Chaos: Who gives a shit?

Hanson: Pardon?

Chaos: I didn’t stutter, motherfucker. Who cares? Baal and Eden in the back recruiting for Outlast, Wallace out here parading around like his shit don’t stink, none of it matters, because this is UGWC Chill. Not fuckin’ Synergy. And around here, Chill is all that matters!

Reese: Here here! And now that cooler heads have prevailed from that altercation earlier, and both Alan Wallace and Jet Somers have been made to leave the arena, at least we can focus on what is truly important here tonight just like Chaos was saying: the third installment of UGWC Chill!

Chaos: And it starts with the aforementioned Captain’s Scaffold Match, which you know is gonna be fuckin’ awesome.

Reese: Yes Chaos, it is going to be awesome, and it appears that everything is ready to go for that match. The scaffold is in place, and Captain 80’s is already perched on top.

Chaos: The fuck he come from? Did his FALCOR drop him off up there? Did I miss something?

Hanson: Likely.

Chaos: I swear to Christ…

Reese: The rules of this match are simple. The first person to climb that scaffold and touch Captain 80’s is the winner.

Hanson: I’m not certain where Annie Fugate stands on the matter, but we all know the soft spot that Roxy Cotton holds for Captain 80’s. This could get interesting.

Mark Thompson: Ladies and gentlemen, the first match here tonight for the third installment of UGWC #Chill is a Captain’s Scaffold Match. The winner will be the first person to climb the scaffold and touch Captain 80’s. Introducing first…

Mark Thompson: From Boulder City, Nevada… ANNIE ‘MIDNIGHT’ FUGATE!!!

As “Bring Me to Life” starts to play, the lights in the arena go out, and a lone light resembling moonlight casts a glow on the arena. Annie walks out from the back and begins slowly making her way to the ring, as she ignores the booing fans around her.

Reese: Fugate looks all business here tonight, as she prepares to take part in our first ever Captains Scaffold Match.

Hanson: I hope it turns out better than the “Chaos on a Pole” match from a couple years ago. That was horrendous.

Chaos: Wasn’t that bad.

Hanson: How can you say that with a straight face?

Chaos: They gave me beer.

Thompson: And her opponent…

Thompson: Residing in Malibu, California… ROXY COTTON!!!

As "Paparazzi" by Lady GaGa plays, purple strobe lighting pulsates through the arena. Roxy makes the crowd wait a few eager moments before emerging from behind the entrance curtain.

Taking a second to stand at the top of the entrance ramp, Roxy pulls her Gucci sunglasses down her nose enough to look over them and around at the rowdy crowd. She leans over at the waist with her hand on her hip, exaggeratedly looking from left to right and then back again before standing up straight and strutting toward the ring, blowing kisses to everyone around her along the way.

As she walks toward the ring and the purple strobe lights continue to swirl through the air, fans reach over the barricade attempting to touch her, but she deftly avoids any contact from them and shoots dirty looks at the ones who get closest. Once in the ring, she makes a slow, deliberate show of removing her various jewelry and sunglasses, handing them off the referee Craig White as if she were tossing her keys to a valet driver. Roxy makes her way to her corner,tossing her hair back over her shoulders and soaking in all the flash bulbs popping around her.

Reese: Roxy Cotton makes quite the entrance, doesn’t she Chaos?

Chaos: She definitely could be the main attraction at Mixxxxie’s, I’ll give you that.

Reese: Craig White has called for the bell, and this match is officially underway.

Hanson: Roxy is staring up at that scaffold, as Captain 80’s is all over that thing, yelling down at the competitors.

Captain 80s: FIRST WHEN THERE IS NOTHING BUT A SLOW GLOWING DREAM THAT YOUR FEAR SEEMS TO HIDE DEEP INSIDE YOUR MIND ALL ALONE; THE CAPTAIN HAS CRIED SILENT TEARS FULL OF PRIDE IN A WORLD MADE OF STEEL MADE OF STONE!!

With Roxy staring at the gladiator-like physique of The Captain, Annie Fugate sees the opening and takes it. She runs across the ring and connects with a vicious forearm to the side of Roy’s face, knocking Roxy back into her corner. Fugate begins landing kicks to the midsection of Roxy, and then connects with three thunderous knife-edged chops that elicit the standard “Woooooooo” reaction from the crowd. Fugate takes a few steps back, allowing Roxy to come to her. She wraps her arms around the blonde bombshell and explodes backwards, tossing Roxy overhead with a belly-to-belly suplex. Fugate drops a leg across the throat of Roxy Cotton, and then drags her back to her feet. Irish whip sends Roxy towards the ropes, and she is sent back down to the mat with a spinebuster that shakes the ring.

Captain 80s: WELL THE CAPTAIN HEARS THE MUSIC, CLOSE HIS EYES, FEEL THE RHYTHM WRAP AROUND, TAKE AHOLD OF HIS HEART!

Reese: Annie Fugate is on fire here in the early going, and Roxy’s attention being diverted at the beginning has really cost her.

Hanson: Annie is definitely looking good right now, but Roxy is one hell of a wrestler. Annie is going to need to stay on her.

Chaos: We have that kinda thing at the club from time to time, but only for the VIP crowd.

Hanson: That sounds excellent.

Chaos: Like you’d ever be a fuckin’ VIP anywhere, Hanson. Fuck outta here.

Fugate connects with a Russian leg sweep just as Roxy got back to her feet, and now Annie has grabbed the legs of Cotton, stepped through, and has applied a sharpshooter. Annie leaning back as far as she can, putting as much pressure on the lower back of Roxy as she can. Cotton finds herself trapped in the middle of the ring, looking for any way out that she can find.

Hanson: I don’t know why Annie is wasting her time applying a submission hold. The only way for her to win this match is to climb up onto the scaffold, and physically touch Captain 80’s. Did someone not explain the rules to her before the match?

Chaos: Gonna be hard for Roxy to climb if she can barely walk due to her back, you dumb fuckin’ twat.

Reese: While Chaos said it in a much more colorful way than I would, he is absolutely correct.

Hanson: Then why wouldn’t she work on Roxy’s legs? Wouldn’t that make more sense?

Almost as if on queue, Fugate releases the sharpshooter, only to apply an anklelock.

Chaos: There. Happy now, Hanson?

Roxy trying to crawl towards the ropes, but Fugate is a woman possessed, dragging her back to the center of the ring each time she gets close to forcing the break. Roxy finally pushes herself up onto her hands, rolling through and sending Fugate down to the mat. Roxy grimacing in pain as she uses the ropes to get to her feet, putting minimal pressure on that right foot. Fugate back to her feet now, making a beeline towards Roxy, and sending her back down to the mat with a chop block to that same leg. Roxy crumples to the mat, grabbing at that ankle, as Annie gets to her feet and stares down at her.

Reese: Annie Fugate is using this match to prove to all of her doubters that she belongs in that ring, and so far, she is doing a damn good job of it.

Chaos: I’ve always liked a broad with a little bit of fire. Annie’s got that in spades.

Hanson: What would Alexandra say if she heard that?

Chaos: She’d likely agree. And then kick your ass for trying to start shit.

Fugate grabbing Roxy by the hair and dragging her to her feet now, but Roxy grabs Fugate by the head and sits-out, executing a jawbreaker that stops Annie in her tracks. Annie doubled over holding her chin, as Roxy gingerly gets back to her feet. Kick to the stomach from Annie catches Roxy, and then Fugate lifts Cotton into the air for a suplex attempt. Roxy floats over, landing behind her on one leg, still keeping as much weight off of her right leg as she can. She spins Fugate around, connects with a kick to the solarplexes, and then drives her into the mat with a DDT. Both women remain down on the mat.

Reese: Roxy Cotton needed to find a way to level the playing field after taking so much punishment to her back and ankle, and for the time being, she has done just that.

Hanson: And The Captain is still yelling down words of… encouragement, I guess? Does he ever shut up?

Chaos: Do you?

Both women getting back to their feet about the same time, but Roxy sends Annie back to the mat with a hair mare, and then connects with a stiff kick to the back of Fugate. She grimaces again though, as she used that hurt leg to administer the kick, but she begins attempting to put a little more weight on it, fighting through the pain as she takes off towards the ropes. Shining Wizard to Fugate connects flush, as Roxy yells out and grabs at that leg.

Chaos: Damned if she does and damned if she don’t right now. Either she puts all of her weight on that leg, or she uses it to execute her moves. Either way, she’s possibly damaging it further.

Roxy back to her feet now, pulling Fugate to hers. She whips Annie into the corner, and then connects with an avalanche. Fugate collapses in the corner, as Roxy limps back to the adjacent corner. It’s Kitty Buster time, and the male demographic watching from home just excused themselves to go to the bathroom for a minute. Dismounting Annie’s face, Roxy pulls her back to her feet, and sends her face-first into the mat with the Muff Diver. She then turns her attention to the scaffold and smiles.

Reese: Roxy has fought back admirably here, and now...

Hanson: She’s zeroing in on that mass of man that is still yelling out for all to hear?

Chaos: Don’t ever say that again, Hanson.

Reese: Two votes. Never...again.

Hanson: I thought it sounded good.

Chaos: You sounded like his stalker, you creepy fuck.

Reese: Fugate still isn’t moving, and it looks like Roxy has decided to end this match.

Captain 80s: WHAT A FEELIN’! BEING'S BELIEVIN’! YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL, CAPTAIN’S REACHING FOR YOUR HAND!

Roxy begins carefully climbing up the structure, taking a tad longer than it normally would due to her ankle. About a third of the way up, Annie Fugate begins coming to in the ring, rolling over and getting up to her knees. She begins looking around for Roxy, finally seeing her halfway up the structure. Slowly she gets to her feet, making her way to the other side, and beginning her ascent as well.

Reese: Fugate is climbing as quickly as she can, but I wonder if Roxy had too much of a head start.

Chaos: I’d say so. Roxy just pulled herself up onto that scaffold.

Roxy rises to her feet, smiling at Captain 80’s, who stands in the center of the platform, still broadcasting words of encouragement to anyone who will listen. She begins saying something to the Captain, as Annie finally gets to the top of the scaffold herself.

Hanson: Fugate is finally up there as well, but Roxy is walking towards The Captain. Annie might be too late!

Captain 80s: TAKE YOUR PASSION AND MAKE IT HAPPEN! PICTURES COME ALIVE! YOU CAN DANCE RIGHT THROUGH YOUR LIFE! WHAT A FEELING!!

Fugate takes off running towards the Captain, grabbing him by the shoulders in order to clear his head on the leapfrog attempt, landing directly in front of him, and surprising the hell out of Roxy Cotton.

Reese: Stroke of Midnight by Annie Fugate! And Roxy barely saw it coming.

Chaos: That scaffold isn’t very wide, and Roxy might be out on her fuckin’ feet.

Hanson: Not good guys! Roxy is going down, and not in the good way!

Roxy appears heading for the mat down below, but in a flash, Captain 80’s reaches out and grabs her by the arm. Cotton dangles there for only a moment, before The Captain pulls her up to safety, holding her in his arms as her eyes flutter open, and she groggily looks into his eyes.

Reese: Thank goodness for Captain 80’s, because had Roxy Cotton fall from that height, it’s hard to say what damage could have been done.

Hanson: that’s true, but what’s lost in all of this is that Annie Fugate was the first to touch Captain 80’s, when she used him to catapult into position in order to deliver that superkick of hers. That means that Annie Fugate is the winner of the first ever Captains Scaffold Match!

Chaos: I hate to admit you’re right, but Mark Thompson just announced it for everyone here in attendance, and Annie Fugate did fuckin’ win the match. Good for her.

Hanson: You and I are going to be friends yet, Chaos.

Chaos: Don’t hold your fuckin’ breath, Hanson.

Reese: Tough loss for Roxy Cotton here tonight, but somehow… with the way things ended… I have a feeling she will be ok.

Chaos: Before we get to our next match, it seems we’re headed backstage again, because apparently Edie hasn’t gotten enough camera time tonight.

Hanson: What are your thoughts on her leaving New Orleans, Chaos.

Chaos: Fuck off. Those are my thoughts.

Reese: We will be back in a moment, as we will see Kenzi Grey and her mother, Sidney Grey, take on the odd pairing of Dazza McCoy and Taylor Ryan.

Annie Fugate - 6.66
Roxy Cotton - 6.11

[DrunkenBuzzsaw]

Backstage in the meeting room again...

Gabriel rubs his hands over his eyes and shakes his head.

Gabriel: Who do we have next?

Eden: Uhhh--

She rustles a few papers and trails a finger down, exclaiming triumphantly

Eden: Ah! Sidney Grey, Kenzi Grey-Lacklan...

Gabriel: A troubled mother and daughter duo, lovely...

Eden: And--

She trails off as the door opens to admit a far less bubbly and optimistic than usual Kem Dynamo.

Eden sighs.

Eden: Hi, Kem.

Kem attempts a greeting but it's extremely forced, going quiet as Kenzi and her mother, Sidney, enter the room, to two of them bickering back and forth.

Gabriel: Ladies, ladies-- we thank you for coming. If you'll please have a seat?

He gestures to the chairs before the table. Kenzi and Kem take their seats easily, Eden pressing her lips together to keep from making a joke about Kem's weight. Gabriel flashes an amused look her way, knowing her struggle as Sidney continues to complain about the chairs offered to them, her voice ongoing and grating--

Eden: RIGHT! So Gabriel was named as one of the Captains for Outlast and as his Co-Captain, we plan to build the most formidable team Outlast has ever seen. You are three of the ones we've chosen to speak to... and who weren't terrified of our snake messengers...

She mutters the last, Gabriel issuing a long-suffering sigh.

Gabriel: Get on with it!

Eden glares at him.

Eden: Anyway-- we have some questions for each of you. Each will receive a question from one of us and then we have a question for all three of you to answer. Are we ready?

Kem shrugs glumly, Kenzi nods, and Sidney ignores them, muttering something about goddamned coffee.

Eden nudges Gabriel with an elbow, Gabriel looking down at the cards before him.

Gabriel: Ah, wonderful, let's start with Kem. Kem... you don't look so good. Has something got you down? Is it Twitter?

Kem glares stonily at Gabriel.

Kem: Is that my question?

Gabriel: Heavens, no. Your question, Kem--

He shuffles the cards.

Gabriel: … You made your first appearance at Wrestlestock 2016. Then you entered what I like to call "the highlight years" of your UGWC career... Where you weren't here. Then you came back earlier this year and won the Massive Melee... But then... Failed to win the title from Lucy despite some horrendous tactics in yeh build up. You've since engaged in some online fisticuffs with basically every other female on the roster and have constantly came out on the losing side. And to make matters worse? You lost to Mizore Pain at Day of Reckoning... At least... I think you did. I can't remember... I don't really take much notice of you. But my question is this... Who in god's name thought Crocs were a good idea?

Kem appears to grow palpably incensed at Gabriel’s knife-twisting, the sudden swerve of the actual question making her Kem smirk from the randomness.

Kem: You know, I know a lot of random things, but I don’t know who came up with Crocs, but I do know that just because they don’t look like all the other shoes doesn’t make them less effective. I have no doubt that I could still knock someone’s teeth out with a well-placed Crocs kick. No doubt at all.

Gabriel: Fantastic. Your turn, my dear.

He looks to Eden.

Eden: Let's get to Sidney, shall we?

Sidney: If you must.

Eden: Perfect. Sidney, we're a touch jealous of Sarah. We would like our own pet Kenzi--

Eden holds her hand out, indicating Kenzi, who stares open-mouthed at her.

Eden: So could you please tell us, in great detail, on a video that the viewing public will obviously see, the process of how Kenzi was created?

Eden and Gabriel smile, awaiting the answer.

Sidney rolls her eyes at the question, obviously displeased with it. She gives an exasperated sigh as she pulls out her phone and scrolls through a few folders until she finds what she wants. She holds up her phone to the camera as it displays an advertisement to her reality television show.

Sidney: Available in CTN ShopZone for the low low price of $24.99.

Sidney: Season five, episode one…

Sidney: I got screwed once in that deal, if I have to relive it, you’re going to pay me!

Eden cuts her eyes over to Gabriel to see his reaction without turning her head, finding him doing the same to her.

Gabriel: Well, thanks for that lovely, though not entirely warranted spiel, Sidney. Kenzi... your turn.

Kenzi sits up a little straighter, awaiting her question.

Gabriel: You're such an upbeat and positive person. How do you manage to maintain such a chipper attitude when, for example, you have both a mother and an auntie--

Eden's eyes hurl daggers at Gabriel who continues reading as if nothing untoward had been said.

Gabriel: --that look significantly younger than you do?

The look on Kenzi’s face is completely deadpan as she stares into the camera, eyes unblinking for a few tense moments. Finally she slowly shakes her head, rolling her eyes as she does.

Kenzi: To answer the first part of your question; it’s #Clarity. Roxy Cotton and I live our lives in a state of complete reliance on spiritual oneness with creation. We all have so much to be thankful for, if we just take the time to stop and take it all in.

She pauses a beat, annoyance flashing across her face as she answers.

Kenzi: As for the second part of your question; if I look older, it is probably because I am so much more mature than my lovely auntie and my mother! Next question!

She crosses her arms in annoyance as both Eden and Sidney respond to her answer with an eyeroll, Kem with a giggle.

Eden snatches the card offered to her by Gabriel, glancing at it and then to the three of them. Her words are clipped as she asks the question.

Eden: This is for all three of you. Can you tell me about a time you've managed to fend off a seven-foot tall supernatural being, single-handedly so that we don't have to get involved?

She tosses the card back at Gabriel, not even looking at him, her annoyance with his line of questioning clear.

Gabriel: We'll start with you, Kem.

Kem: Well, gosh, you two, I can’t imagine who you might be talking about. Maybe you’re better off asking The Edge or Angie, but from what I saw watching their fights, everyone can appear supernatural...until they get kicked in the face.

Gabriel: Good answer! Kenzi?

Kenzi frowns at this question, her hands going absently to her neck as she considers her answer.

Kenzi: I have actually only faced someone like that once when I went to visit Le Bord Dieu in the hospital after I…I attacked her at the Massive Melee…

Kenzi shakes her head with a bit of a haunted look on her face. She wasn’t happy about the savagery she had displayed towards her mother-in-law, nor was she happy about the aftermath.

Kenzi: …it didn’t go well…I got choked out by her bodyguard and Angie Vaughn had to save me.

She brightens at the mention of her #CoolKid ally. She nods, pointing at the camera with a grin.

Kenzi: THAT’S IT! I’d call Angie and let her deal with it! She’s managed to beat…not one…BUT TWO seven-foot monsters! She’s great…really great! You guys need to call Angie Vaughn!

Kenzi sits back with a broad smile on her face, pleased with her answer as she thinks about her tall friend and ally.

Eden stares at her, nonplussed.

Eden: Right, we'll get right on that as soon as she isn't a captain for an opposing team.

She rolls her eyes.

Eden: Sidney?

Sidney glares at the two seated before her, her face betraying little emotion, though that might have been because it was unable to. Finally she sighs and shrugs her shoulders.

Sidney: This is a stupid question!

She looks around for help, the expression on her face clearly indicating that she finds this tedious and hardly worth her time. She gets up, tearing off her lapel mic as she continues to bitch and complain into it.

Sidney: CHRIST! You fight a goddamn killer android and a fucking penguin in the Quag Cup and all of a sudden they want to make a mockery of you! Go to hell…GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!

She starts to toss the mic away, then pauses as she leans back into the camera, her brown eyes piercing.

Sidney: You know how I’d start? I’d start by asking him a stupid fucking question and then I’d run away while he wondered if it was worth chasing down the goddamn retard that came up with a question like that! That’s what I’d do…ASSHOLES!

She tosses the mic to the floor and stomps off, slamming the door to the room as she walks out, still cursing and fuming all the way.

Eden and Gabriel share the sideways look again.

Gabriel: Right. That will be all.

[DrunkenBuzzsaw]

Cooperative Match
Kenzi Grey & Sidney Grey vs Darren McCoy & Taylor Ryan


Reese: Seems as if Gabriel Baal and Eden Morgan are recruiting hard for Outlast, but it leaves me with one nagging question: when did Donovan Hastings appoint Eden Morgan as Co-Captain of Baal’s team?

Hanson: Obviously he did at some point, Aaron, and it’s a great decision, too! Who better to watch Baal’s back than Eden Morgan.

Chaos: They’re definitely made for one another.

Hanson: You don’t approve, Chaos?

Chaos: Doesn’t matter if I approve or not, and not worth the fuckin’ effort to get into it. Edie is gonna do what Edie wants to do, and that’s the end of it.

Hanson: Because you have finally come to the realization that she is an adult, and is able to make her own decisions?

Chaos: Fuck no. She just doesn’t fuckin’ listen. And frankly, we’re all sick of wasting our breath. So she can do what she wants, and if she needs us, she’ll call.

Reese: But will you answer?

Chaos says nothing, instead motioning towards Mark Thompson who is standing in the ring, before taking a drink of his Chadweiser.

Thompson: Our next match is a Cooperative Match, and is scheduled for one fall…

Thompson: She hails from Seattle, Washington… SIDNEY GREY!!!

“Suffocate” by Cold begins to play as the lights dim all through the arena. Fog rolls through the entranceway as a bright light shines from behind it. A shadowy figure is projected through the fog, the sexy figure grinding to the beat of the music. Sidney Grey emerges and surveys the crowd as they boo her loudly. She smirks as she flips off the crowd and moves in time to the beat, going into yet another seductive grind, which ends in a tremendous eruption of pyrotechnics as she runs her hands all along her body, tosses her hair back, and heads to the ring with a laugh. Sid walks slowly down to the ring as she arrogantly taunts the crowd, blowing kisses to some and threatening to slap others all the while with a condescending smile on her face. Sid slides underneath the bottom rope and goes to the far corner of the ring as she stands on the turnbuckle and continues to taunt the crowd, while smiling sadistically as she waits for the match to begin.

Reese: Hard to believe that this woman was once adored the world over.

Hanson: Quit living in the past, Aaron. She’s spectacular just as she is.

Chaos: You need to get laid, Hanson. Jesus.

Thompson: And her partner…

Thompson: From Hollywood, California… KENZI GREY-LACKLAN!!!

“Gimme Your Applause” by Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, & Christina Aguilera begins to play as lightbulbs flash all through the arena. Kenzi Grey walks out with a confident smile for the fans. An explosion of pyro erupts as she strikes a pose for the cameras. Kenzi heads down the aisle slapping the outstretched hands of the fans. Kenzi climbs onto the ring apron and pauses again for the flash of the cameras, as she kneels there with a smirk. She climbs the turnpost and gives the fans one more photo opportunity as she sits atop the turnbuckle, still blowing kisses and posing for the fans. She hops down, finally entering the ring and looking over at her mother, as she readies herself for their opponents.

Reese: Kenzi is really making a name for herself in UGWC, and she seems to get better with each match.

Chaos: Kid’s got all the tools to be a great one, if she chooses to be.

Thompson: And their opponents, introducing first…

Thompson: From New South Wales, Australia… DARREN MCCOY!!!

"FIGJAM" by Butterfingers hits the speakers to a loud round is jeering. Dazza walks out with his arms raised high. He saunters down to the ring shouting obscenities at the opponent, just acting obnoxious in general. He slides into the ring and climbs up a nearby turnbuckle, again raising his arms to more jeers as he continues to talk himself up.

Chaos: How the fuck can I drink as much as I do, and still be in better shape than this fuckin’ guy?

Reese: Maybe he just doesn’t care?

Chaos: Well fuckin’ apparently, Reese.

Thompson: And his partner…

Thompson: From Providence, Rhode Island… TAYLOR RYAN!!!

Gold fireworks shower down the titantron. Through the grandiose display Taylor Ryan steps onto the entrance ramp. He wears a pair of designer sunglasses and his arms are displayed with a brash confidence that demands everyone to look upon him. He approaches the ring slowly and intentionally avoids any touching from the commoners. Anyone who comes close is chastised with insults like "You are too poor to touch someone as important as me!"

Ryan steps into the ring and joins McCoy..

Reese: With the minimal amount of training that these two men have had together, I really question if them taking on the caliber of athletes like Sidney and Kenzi is a wise move?

Chaos: Of course it isn’t. McCoy can’t even be assed to make it look like he didn’t sleep in his fuckin’ ring attire last night, while Ryan at least wnts to be successful. How the fuck are they gonna put their differences aside long enough to actually be successful?

Hanson: McCoy is a tough lad, aye. And Ryan knows his way around the ring.

Chaos: Yeah, we’ll see.

Reese: Referee Alice Nasmith has called for the bell, and this match is underway.

Sidney motions for Kenzi to get out of the ring, and Dazza does the same with Ryan. The only difference is, McCoy dropped the C-Bomb when he made the request. Dazza talking trash to Ms. Grey now, asking her why she’s in a ring when she should be in his kitchen, and then he propositions her with an act that can only be repeated on sites that charge far more than the free-ninety-nine that UGWC charges for the UGWC Network.

Chaos: Oh, that’s gonna cost him.

Sidney responds with a slap across his face, and then ducks under a lariat attempt. She connects with a kick to the back of Dazza’s knee, and then a chop block that sends him down to the mat. Elbow drop across the back of McCoy’s neck finds its mark, before she quickly hops up and sits on the top turnbuckle. Leg drop connects as well, just as McCoy had rolled over onto his back, and that brace of hers comes down across his forehead. A stomp directly to his face, and now she has hit the mat and is pummeling Dazza with rights and lefts, all while yelling at him for what he called her.

Chaos: Told ya.

Hanson: You her biggest fan or something, Chaos?

Chaos: No. Don’t know much about her, honestly… but I’m not a fuckin’ moron. You call a woman that, you get your ass kicked. McCoy is finding that out first-hand.

Reese: Truth.

Nasmith admonishing Grey about the five-count, as McCoy slowly makes his way back to his feet. Sidney ignoring Alice now, brushing past her and making her way back towards Darren. McCoy catches her with a straight right hand that staggers her, and follows it up with a boot to the midsection that drives her into the ropes. Irish whip sends Sidney to the ropes, with Dazza following closely behind, throwing his body at her and sending her crashing to the mat. Big, jumping elbow connects to Sidney’s chest, and Dazza makes the cover.

Reese: McCoy using his size advantage to stop the momentum of Sidney Grey, but only gets a two-count on the pin attempt, as Sidney was able to get her shoulder up.

Hanson: Dazza showing vast improvement from the last time we saw him. Apparently he has been doing some training, eh Chaos?

Chaos: Oh yeah, it’s been a masterpiece so far. Regular fuckin’ Travis Roberts type performance, Hanson. Dumbfuck.

McCoy jerking Sidney back to her feet, sending her to the ropes again. Spinebuster gets another two count, and then Dazza plants her with a DDT that may have gotten the three, had Kenzi not come in to make the save.

Reese: It’s well known the issues that mother and daughter have had over the years, but there didn’t seem to be any type of hesitation there on Kenzi’s part.

Chaos: She wants to win, Reese. You do what you gotta do sometimes.

Hanson: Words of wisdom, if I ever heard any.

Sidney dragged back to her feet and sent to the ropes once more. High clothesline from McCoy, and Sidney lands hard on the back of her head. McCoy stalks his opponent, moving in behind her as she slowly tries to get to her feet. Cunt Punch connects, and Dazza makes another cover.

Hanson: Kenzi able to make the save again, connecting with a double-axehandle at two and seven-eights.

McCoy gets back to his feet, eyeballing Kenzi as she steps back out on the ring apron. With a smile, McCoy leans back against the nearest ropes, making an obscene gesture towards Kenzi, laughing as Kenzi grows visibly upset. Taylor Ryan reaches over and slaps Dazza on the back, tagging himself into the match.

Reese: McCoy does not look pleased at Ryan tagging himself into the match at that moment.

Hanson: He’s likely wishing that Ryan would have let him go at it alone, just like he did the hot dog eating contest.

Chaos: Shit in one hand and wish in the other, Hanson.

Ryan over to Sidney and pulling her to her feet. Forearm shiver to the side of the face, and Ryan attempts to whip her towards the ropes, but Sidney somehow manages to reverse it. Ryan bounds off the ropes, running under a leapfrog by Grey. Sidney lands awkwardly, immediately yelling out as she reaches down for that braced knee. Ryan comes to a stop, slowly strutting around her with a smile on his face. He begins taunting her over her knee, but Sidney suddenly lands a kick to his stomach, and then drives him into the mat with a face buster.

Reese: Sidney Grey using her experience there to lull Taylor Ryan into a false sense of security, and he paid the price.

Hanson: And Sidney is slowly making her way over to make the tag to her daughter.

Kenzi makes the tag as Ryan is getting back to his feet. Springboard dropkick connects, sending Ryan sprawling across the ring. Kenzi back out to the opposite apron, connecting with a springboard moonsault , driving her knees into the chest of Ryan. Cover by Kenzi.

Reese: Ryan with the kickout at two, and it didn’t even look like McCoy even made an attempt to get into the ring.

Chaos: Not like he would have made it anyway. There’s no food involved.

Kenzi pulling Ryan back to his feet, going for a kick, but Taylor catches it. In one fluid motion, Kenzi jumps into the air, connecting with an enziguri. Ryan shaking loose the cobwebs as he heads towards the near ropes. Kenzi rushes in behind him, grabbing him around the waist and shoving him towards the ropes, before popping her hips and sending him overhead with a German suplex. She bridges, as Alice Nasmith drops down to make the count.

Hanson: Near fall by Kenzi Grey-Lacklan!

Reese: Excellent maneuver by Kenzi there, using Taylor Ryan’s own momentum against him, and almost getting the three-count.

Ryan trying to crawl back to his feet, and Kenzi comes off the ropes, attempting a bicycle kick. Ryan is able to move out of the way, quickly grabbing Kenzi by the tights and rolling her up in a schoolboy. Kenzi kicks out at one-and-a-half, but is turned inside out with a vicious clothesline just as she gets back to her feet.

Reese: Taylor Ryan getting a small amount of time to regain his bearings, as Kenzi is definitely seeing stars after that clothesline.

Chaos: He rocked the ever-loving shit out of her with that one.

Ryan to his feet, pulling Kenzi to hers. He scoops her up onto his shoulder, and runs her to the nearest neutral corner. He slams her into the corner, hooking her foot under the top rope, and trapping her into a Tree of Woe. Ryan quickly to the adjacent corner, and then takes off towards the trapped Kenzi, connecting with a beautiful hesitation dropkick. Ryan then hops to his feet and begins parading around the ring, soaking in the boos being showered upon him.

Reese: Beautiful move there by Taylor Ryan, but he needs to stay on Kenzi here. He’s wasting valuable time right now.

Chaos: That’s the difference between Ryan and Kenzi. She wouldn’t waste time showboating to people that fuckin’ detest her. That’s why she’s successful, and he’s… well… Taylor Ryan.

Ryan gets too close to his partner, and McCoy returns the favor from earlier by tagging himself into the match. The two men bicker for a moment, before Dazza yells at Taylor to get out of the ring. Nasmith has help Kenzi untrap herself from the ropes, but Dazza is there to immediately begin laying the boots to her. Jerking her to her feet, he lifts her high into the air, and connects with a powerbomb. Ripping her back off the mat, he calls out for Ya Mum as he places Kenzi’s head in between his legs.

Reese: If he hits this, it’s going to be over!

Sidney Grey into the ring now, landing a clubbing blow to the back of Dazza’s head. Nasmith admonishing Sidney to exit the ring, as McCoy turns around and begins walking towards her. He grabs her by the hair just as she turned around to step out to the apron. Sidney yelling for him to unhand her, as she grabs the top rope. McCoy doing his best to pull her back towards him, as Nasmith attempts to break them up. Back-kick from Sidney connects with a very special part of Dazza’s body, and he immediately releases his grip on her hair.

Hanson: Beautifully executed by Sidney Grey. That lady is a true treasure.

Reese: Sidney Grey connected with a low blow that was unseen by the official, and McCoy is gasping for breath.

Chaos: I’m about out of breath too, but that’s from laughing.

Hanson: You haven’t uttered a sound.

Chaos: I’m laughing on the inside. Shut the fuck up.

Grey exists the ring, slinking around the ring over towards Taylor Ryan, who is intently watching the action inside the ring. Kenzi back to her feet, connecting with a right hand that absolutely rocks McCoy. Kick to the back of the leg sends him down to his knees, and then she grabs his arm and executes The Blockbuster. Kenzi rolls Dazza over and makes the cover, as Sidney grabs the legs of Taylor Ryan, preventing him from getting into the ring and making the save.

Reese: Big win for The Grey’s here tonight, but I wonder what Kenzi will think when she sees the playback?

Chaos: Might be more issues between mother and daughter brewing, but at the end of the fuckin’ day, they got the win. Kudos to them both.

Hanson: And we just got word from the producers that we’re heading backstage yet again. I love it!

Chaos: Fucks sake...

Team Grey - 6.75
CUB - 6.12

[DrunkenBuzzsaw]

Once again in the meeting room...

Gabriel leans back in his chair, dropping a pen on the table before him. A pile of papers sit there, scribbles and notes etched messily into the lines. He glances over to Eden's, rolling his eyes in exasperation to see doodles all along the side and very little notes. Eden looks up to see him perusing her work.

Eden: What? I don't have to write it down, I've got it all in my head.

Gabriel: Uh huh.

Eden: How do you think these sessions have gone? Smoothly?

Gabriel: Anything else, and they'd have felt a little extra.

He emphasizes 'extra', Eden chuckling at him picking up some of the slang he'd heard used.

Eden: Extra? Us? Never!

Gabriel lets out a laugh.

Gabriel: Alright, who's next--

He barely gets the words out when the door opens, admitting the albino, red-eyed spoiled brat known as Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan. Phew. She brightens when she sees Eden and squeals.

Sarah: AUNTIE!!!

Before Eden can get out #ItsNotAThing, Sarah automatically goes into a rapid-fire spiel about her shoes and wanting her to stand so she could see what she was wearing. Her enthusiasm is so contagious, Eden finds herself caught up in it as the two of them prattle on and on about the latest things they've seen on Twitter and the approach of New York's fashion week--

Gabriel: For the love of-- Can we please get started??

Gabriel receives matching glowers, one from a pair of crimson eyes, one from a pair of ocean blue ones. For a moment, he ponders whether they were actually related...

Eden: Since Grumbles over here insists we get to it--

She checks her card and then snorts in laughter, looking to Gabriel.

Eden: You realize we're going to catch hell from the higher ups over this, right?

Gabriel: When don't we?

Eden looks to Sarah.

Eden: We have a bet going whether someone at the UGWC account is a fan of shemale porn or it was a hackjob. Who ya got?

Sarah: Oh, so I WASN'T the only one who noticed that? I asked Angelica if she saw it and she blushed SUPER red, but I had assumed she just thought about a new scene for caterotica.com. Anyway, I DO have someone worth betting on, but I ALSO want to make sure that everyone understands that I don't kink shame. I mean, Fatty blatantly said that I use hate speech without any proof and even my enemies rolled their eyes at THAT desperate plea for attention, but I'm ALL cool with shemales. Hell, I even have an Auntie that started out as an Uncle!

Gabriel looks suggestively toward Eden, Eden shaking a finger at him.

Eden: Don't you say a word...

Gabriel holds his hands up, protesting his innocence.

Sarah: – And my Beloved and I had this friend named Jordyn who was all UP in her DMs looking for some sexin', but I shut THAT down. I mean, it's not like Mackenzie and I HAVEN'T roleplayed what that might be like. Am I sharing too much? Er...um...anyway, my money is on Gabrielle because Mackenzie somehow met her, because she "NEVER" flirts or anything, and now it seems that Stuffed Sluts is around again. So...yeah...my bet is on Gabrielle Montgomery hacking the account!

Eden makes a face.

Eden: Oh god, she's still a thing? I'd have thought she'd have drowned herself in a bucket of body fluids from various donors by now.

Sarah: I think that was in her last video..

Gabriel: Of course it was. Next question... Can you tell me about a time you've managed to fend off a seven foot tall supernatural being, single-handedly so that we don't have to get involved?

Gabriel recites the question from memory this time without having to look at the card.

Sarah: Well, I haven't EXACTLY done that, but Nekkie is legit a cheap version of Daddy, and while he may not have been THAT tall, was ubes more scary, and he was my first trainer. But! Oh holy hell BUT! If you draft both me AND Mackenzie, we're the Co Op champs, if you didn't know, the TWO of us COMBINED could abs take down a seven foot tall supernatural being. Probs. Maybs. You know what I mean.

Gabriel looks at Eden, blinking.

Gabriel: Translation?

Eden pauses and then winks at him, giving double finger guns, her and Gabriel dissolving into fits of laughter over the joke.

Sarah: Are we all done here? Kenzi totes said you guys only ask two questions, so if that's all, I should probs go get ready for my match--

She rises from the chair, Eden crossing her arms and leaning on the table, smiling like the cat who'd just happened upon a bowl of cream.

Eden: Why the rush, Sarah? Don't you want to stay and chat about shoes with no mates, secrets kept, lies told to placate the ones we love?

Gabriel gets to his feet, buttoning his jacket.

Gabriel: Yes. Let's chat about... things owed.

Sarah looks to the two of them for a moment before a slow smile creeps across her face. She retakes her seat.

[DrunkenBuzzsaw]

No Holds Barred Match
Kem Dynamo vs Sarah Lacklan

Reese: Well it certainly has been an interesting night around here.

Hanson: I can hardly blame Gabriel and Eden for the exhaustive research they are doing. Outlast is a tentpole event, I even competed in it once, you need a solid team, and the co-captains are doing a phenomenal job.

Chaos: Pfft...

Reese: I’ve been asked to remind everyone that Gabriel Baal and Eden Morgan are not co-captains, Eden is eligible to be drafted by any captain, just putting that out there.

Hanson: Nobody is interested in your lies. And what is your problem, Chaos?

Chaos: You. You’re my problem. Plus I’m out of beer.

Hanson: Yes, because more of that is what you need right now.

Chaos: It keeps me calm, Hanson. And I tend to have a short fuse. And you’re beside me. So what is it that you were saying?

Hanson: Ichabod! Get this man some beer. Pronto!

Reese: In any case, it is now time for our Chill main event.

Thompson: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is your #Chill main event of the evening, and will be a NO HOLDS BARRED Match! Introducing first…

The lights go out as a red spotlight flashes down on the entrance area. Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata begins to play over the PA system and a body steps out onto the entrance ramp. Kenzi Grey, the sexiest valet in the history of all sporting events and WrestleStock Open Cup winner, is wearing an "I❤️Babies" t-shirt and stands in the spotlight for a moment, but then moves out of the way and gestures for a hooded figure to step forward. Sarah throws back her hood to show the white face and red eyes of the Blood Princess. They make their way down the isle with the red spotlight following them as the rest of the arena stays dark. When they come to the ring they slide underneath the ropes and upon standing, Kenzi and Sarah stand nose to nose and are clearly on the verge of saying "F this!" and just having some kind of public sex event instead of the match. But cooler heads prevail and Kenzi helps Sarah remove her robe to show the green and black skin-tight bodysuit beneath.

Thompson: From Lacklanland, the Blood Princess, SARAH LACKLAN!!!!

Reese: Current co-holder of the Cooperative Championship, a former Cross-Hemisphere Champion, and last year’s WrestleStock Cup Winner, Sarah Lacklan is certainly a force to be reckoned with.

Hanson: She had months of her career stolen away from her, still hasn’t received a shot at the title she never lost, if anybody deserves to be in the main event, it is Sarah Lacklan!

Thompson: And her opponent…

The lights dim as soft ambient, electronic sounds escape the PA system. After a modest crescendo, the sounds are invaded by a dueling duet between a rhythmic, aggressive guitar riff and high notes from a piano. After a few rounds of call-and-response, the guitar claims victory by expanding the riff while the background continues to build until a single flash of bright lights resets the scene as Claudio Sanchez’s voice commands the audience’s attention.

All nonbelievers stand aside in fear
A new day’s marching through the door

As the momentary flash fades and the house lights normalize, Kem Dynamo bursts through the entryway, fired up and excited to reunite with the #UnifiedUniverse. Kem makes her way slowly down to ringside, interacting with fans in the front few rows while the camera bounces between watching her arrive and cutting to signs in the audience showing support for The Outlier.

You’ve come so far from innocence
Provided all the consequence
Only what does it matter now

At the pre-chorus, Kem turns her attention towards the ring and takes a few steps to pick up a run before sliding under the bottom rope then rolling through to a kneeling pose that hits the center of the ring right on the downbeat of the chorus.

’Cause you’re going hooooooome
You’re running freeeeeeeee

Inside the ring, Kem continues to pose for and engage with the crowd as the chorus plays before climbing a random turnbuckle and joining the crowd in an arena-wide rendition of the song’s “WOAH OH WAH OH WA-OH WA-OH” before jumping down and bolting to an opposite corner to do it one more time with the other side of the audience.

Energized by the support of the #UnifiedUniverse, Kem turns her attention to the match at hand as the music fades out.

Thompson: Currently residing in Portland, Oregon, KEM DYNAMO!!!!!!

Reese: Dynamo is also a WrestleStock Cup winner, just months ago won the Massive Melee, certainly a star on the rise.

Hanson: She is a loudmouth upstart, she is about to get what she deserves.

Reese: If what she is deserves is an opportunity at payback, I certainly agree. Sarah Lacklan has been bullying Kem Dynamo for months on social media, no doubt she is eager to destroy Lacklan here tonight.

Chaos: Yeah, the fat jokes are kinda played the fuck out, but I pretended to be a metrosexual fan of Travis Fucking Pierce at one time, so what the fuck do I know?

Hanson: I had never liked you more, than I did at that time.

Dynamo doesn’t even wait for the bell, going right after Lacklan with reckless abandonment, and Glenn Burke quickly calls for the bell to make it official. Dynamo stomps Lacklan down in the corner, then rips her up and flings her across the ring. Dynamo grabs her by the arm, looking for the Ripcord, but Lacklan ducks under the backflip kick and rolls out of the ring.

Reese: Sarah Lacklan trying to get an early breather, perhaps not expecting this level of rage from Dynamo!

Hanson: She probably should have, to be fair. She dropped some massive truth bombs on her.

Chaos: Can’t constantly poke the fuckin’ bear and not expect it to come back on ya.

Hanson: Now who’s making jokes about her weight. She’s definitely smaller than a bear!

Chaos: It was a figure of speech, you idiotic fucknugget.

Reese: A matter of perspective, as Dynamo vaults the ropes for a splash, but Lacklan is ready and catches her in midair with a spinning heel kick!

Lacklan grabs Dynamo and hurls her into the barricade, and Glenn Burke directs her to bring the match back into the ring, but she sneers and reminds him that the match is No Holds Barred and he can’t do anything about it. Lacklan looks under the ring for something, and Dynamo stirs and crawls towards the ring steps, getting Lacklan’s attention. She abandons her search for a weapon for now, charging at Dynamo for a shining wizard, but Dynamo moves out of the way and Lacklan crashes knee first into the steel steps.

Reese: A miscalculation by Sarah Lacklan, and that could cost her dearly!

Hanson: Dynamo wants to smash!

Lacklan lays over the steps, Dynamo up on the apron, jumps off for the Hangover, but Lacklan rolls off the steps and Dynamo lands on them with the somersault legdrop. She cries out in pain and tumbles to the floor, as Lacklan gets to her feet and begins kicking away at the left arm. Lacklan stuns Dynamo with a kick to the back of the head, then puts her left arm on the steps and stomps on it, as Dynamo cries out in pain.

Reese: Lacklan is targeting that left arm, could be softening it up for the Pigeonwing.

Hanson: It’s sound strategy. I like it.

Lacklan falters momentarily, the knee that ran into the steps earlier giving way, but she steadies herself and retrieves a kendo stick from under the ring. Dynamo trying to get back to her feet, holding the left arm, Lacklan cracks it with the stick. Dynamo grabbing at her arm, as Lacklan cracks it with the kendo stick again. Sarah goes for a third attempt, but Kem catches it with her good arm. Lacklan quickly moving in beside of Kem, using the stick to apply additional punishment as she connects with a Russian leg sweep.

Reese: Dynamo was unable to use her other arm to keep Sarah from getting into position, and she drove that kendo stick into the throat of Dynamo.

Chaos: Kem’s in trouble here, guys.

Lacklan back to her feet now, smiling down at Kem, before proceeding to bring that kendo stick down across the arm and chest of Kem many, many times. She slowly raises the stick above her head, listening to the fans boo her, as a slight smile forms on her face. Reaching out into the crowd, she shoves a standing fan to the side, and then grabs the steel chair he had been sitting in earlier in the night.

Reese: Sarah Lacklan has ill intentions in mind right now.

Chaos: I dunno… I kinda dig it.

Hanson: Shocking.

Using the edge of the chair, Lacklan begins jamming it down into the already-injured arm of Kem Dynamo. Kem is yelling in agony with each strike, but Sarah is relentless. She finally stops, only to stoop down and place the arm of Kem through the opening, slamming it shut and causing more damage. Lacklan begins to stomp the chair, before slowly making her way to the steps. Walking up them, she walks down the ring apron, getting into position to strike yet again.

Reese: Kem needs to somehow find a way to get out of this predicament that she is in, or she’s going to wind up being seriously injured.

Hanson: Kem get smashed. Kem hurt arm. Kem sad.

Reese: You can be a dick sometimes, Daniel.

Chaos: Now you know why I don’t fuckin’ like him.

Lacklan jumps from the apron, going for another stomp to that chair, but Kem manages to roll out of the way just in time. Lacklan lands awkwardly, and grabs for that knee that was rammed into the steps earlier. Kem getting to her feet now, pulling that chair off of her injured arm. Lacklan limping around, turning towards where Kem now stands. Dynamo flings the chair towards Sarah, who instinctively catches it, but she has it sent back into her face with a superkick, the sound echoing throughout the arena.

Reese: Lacklan might be out, but Kem is in so much pain that I’m not sure if she can capitalize.

Chaos: She’s gotta find a way to fight through the pain. All the shit that Sarah has said about her since she’s been back… right now is where Kem can release all that frustration.

Holding her left arm as close to her body as she can, Kem walks over to where Sarah lays. Reaching down, she grabs the steel chair and then plants a boot to the side of Lacklan’s face. Placing the steel chair on her face, Dynamo takes a step back, and then somersaults over, driving the chair into the face of Lacklan with the Hangover.

Reese: Huge move at this point in the match for Kem, but she landed don that left arm, and she’s writhing in pain once more.

Hanson: I think Sarah is out. She might need medical attention.

Chaos: She’s a big girl, Hanson. They both wanted this fight, so let’s see what they got.

Kem finally back to her feet and using her one good arm to drag the barely conscious Sarah Lacklan to hers. Kem shoves Sarah under the bottom rope and back into the ring, before rolling back into the ring herself. Kem calling for her finisher, as she pulls Sarah to her feet. Kem attempting to lift Sarah into the air for the Lights Out, but she isn’t able to hold her as her arm gives out.

Reese: Kem is intent on hitting her cradle hammerlock DDT, even though her arm has had so much damage done to it.

Chaos: She’s looking to make a statement, Reese.

Kem attempting to lift Sarah into the air once more, but her arm gives out again. As Sarah’s feet hit the mat, she throws her head up as hard as she can, crashing into the nose and mouth of Kem Dynamo, blood immediately beginning to pour from her nose. Lacklan quickly moves around Kem and applies the Pigeon Wing, falling to the mat, and grapevining her legs around the waist of Kem Dynamo.

Reese: Sarah Lacklan has locked in her chickenwing submission finisher in the center of the ring, and Kem Dynamo has nowhere to go!

Hanson: Blood is pouring from the nose of Kem Dynamo, running down her face, onto Sarah, and puddling on the mat.

Chaos: Tough fuckin’ broad though. She’s in severe pain right now, but every time Glenn Burke asks if she wants to quit, she emphatically yells ‘NO’ back at him.

Reese: But how much more damage is being done to that left arm of Kem Dynamo, Chaos? It’s already absorbed a plethora of punishment. When is enough, enough?

Chaos: Only person that can answer that is in the ring, Reese.

Burke is still in position, obviously wanting to call for the bell, but Dynamo is emphatic with her response. Kem trying to roll over enough to attempt getting back to a vertical base, and Sarah can’t believe it when Kem does manage to get to her feet. Sarah still has the submission hold applied, and still has her legs grapevined around Kem’s waist. Dynamo throws herself back, squashing Sarah into the mat, but Lacklan still doesn’t release the hold.

Reese: Kem inadvertently put more pressure on her arm by trying that.

Chaos: Can’t fault her for trying it. It just didn’t work out for her.

Hanson: And the look in Sarah’s eyes just changed, and she’s wrenching up on the hold violently.

Kem is screaming in pain, the blood still pouring from her nose, as Lacklan is yelling at her to just tap. Dynamo hollars out ‘NO’ one last time, incensing Lacklan even more. The fight from Kem begins to falter, and when she stops responding to Glenn Burke, he has no choice but to call for the bell.

Reese: This might just be the most violent match we have seen here on #Chill, and in the end, Sarah Lacklan has emerged victorious over Kem Dynamo, due to match stoppage from Glenn Burke.

Chaos: Both of these ladies put on a hell of a display here tonight. I’d be proud to go into battle with either fuckin’ one of them.

Hanson: I’ll hand it to Kem, she never gave up, and displayed a toughness that I’ve rarely seen in this business. But at the end of the day, Sarah Lacklan reigns supreme here tonight!

Reese: And that’s all the time we have for our third edition of #Chill. We’ll see you next time!


Sarah Lacklan - 7.21
Kem Dynamo - 6.95

[Lord Hastings]

Big thanks to Chad for doing a fantastic job with this Chill!

Thanks also to Britt and Mike for putting together the segments that added substance to a show that was a bit lighter on matches, and started the build towards what looks to be a really fun Outlast.