Chill #10 Results

[DrunkenBuzzsaw]

You can hear the chattering of a large crowd, but no visuals. As a cold, blue spotlight clicks on over a blocky “U”, the opening strains of “Red Cold River” by Breaking Benjamin slowly tease the opening. A slow, CO2 mist curls out from around the letters as the fans start to get excited. Spotlights continue to flick on over subsequent letters, “G,” “W,” “C,” and when Ben Burnley screams “RUN” to usher in the song proper, the stage lights up with six-foot blue flames and the word “Chill” is emblazoned in black across the company letters. The fans hit their feet as pyros fly, and we’re taken to ringside to join our broadcast team of Aaron Reese, "The Drunken Buzzsaw" Chaos and Daniel Hanson.

Reese: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the tenth episode of UGWC CHILL!! I’m your host Aaron Reese! To my left is the most colorful colorman in the business, UGWC legend and Hall of Fame member, “The Drunken Buzzsaw”, Chaos.

Chaos: What’s happening, motherfuckers?.

Reese: And from my right emanates the meandering ramblings of Daniel Hanson.

Hanson: We’re here at Webster Bank Area, here in Bridgeport, Connecticut.!

Reese: Last week was UGWC Grand Slam, where Roxy Cotton has officially solidified herself as the best in the company by becoming a triple champion!

Chaos: Good for her. She definitely earned it, for damn sure. 

Reese: That she did, but that was last week, and now it’s time for Chill! We are ready to get the action underway, here on Chill!

Hanson: Good, we still don’t get paid by the minute, let’s move this along.

Chaos: You still shouldn’t get paid at all.

Reese: It should be noted that Ace Sky is already in the ring, I hear that a search party had to locate him as he had not shown up to the arena, and on top of that he did not provide a promo package to air during an entrance.

Hanson: That's a wonderful way to welcome new talent to the company!

Chaos: Fucker is lucky we went and got him and didn't just put a pumpkin with his ring gear out there instead.

Reese: He makes a good point.

Cold as Ice by M.O.P plays over the sound system as Konrad comes out through the curtain just wearing his blue and white mask with white hair along with his wrestling trousers with his nickname The Iceman on the front of them with Pit Bull Energy logos on the side of his trousers with black gloves on both of his hands with a side cross necklace on his neck with the blue and black yin-yang tattoo on his right shoulder and Iceman from X-Men tattoo on his back, ice wolf tattoo on his left chest and ice bear tattoo on his right chest.

Mark Thompson: “From Cologne, Germany, he is The Iceman, Konrad Raab!”

He then high fives the fans as he goes up the stairs before going in-between the ropes and does a holdup on each turnbuckle and everyone cheers him as he gets down from the turnbuckle and does a few boxing punches to the cameras before he looks at his opponent waiting for the match to start.

Reese: Konrad Raab entering to a decent reception here on Chill, and he must be feeling confident after earning the opportunity to fight for the Chaos Title at some point in the near future.

Chaos: He would be feeling more confident if he was facing a pumpkin.

Reese: I think regardless of whether his opponent was animal, mineral or vegetable, Konrad would be feeling good after arguably his most successful run on the main roster to date.

Hanson: This isn't the main roster, A-Reesy, this is Chill! This is like the Thunderdome, homie!

Ding!

Reese: Konrad starts by hitting Sky with a dropkick, then as he rises he hits a bulldog, before climbing the turnbuckle…

Chaos: MOONSAULT!

Reese: Beautifully done by the German sensation.

Hanson: Konrad's not done, and Ace doesn’t look like he knows what hit him.

Chaos: Probably wishes he wouldn’t have bothered showing up. Is it too late to sub in the pumpkin?

Reese: A spinebuster from Konrad, and now he just turned Ace Sky inside-out with a spear.

Chaos: Raab sizing him up… ICE STORM!




1...





2…






3!!!

Reese: Konrad Raab making quick work of his opponent here in, what was it Daniel, the Thunderdome?

Hanson: Go and choke on the Captain's sweaty jock.

Chaos: Nasty bastard.

Ace Sky: 0 
Konrad Raab: 6.28

[DrunkenBuzzsaw]

Reese: We have taken the ropes down for our next event, and there are two tables covered by white sheets facing each other in the ring!



Thompson: The following match is a chicken wing eating contest!! The winner will be the first to clear all the wings on their table!

Chaos: What the hell?



Hanson: That was a very strange entrance as Bobbi London makes her way to the ring.



Reese: If you know about the type of man she has a predilection for, the ‘Tron video makes a lot of sense.



Chaos: Body sculpting pretty-boys, you mean?



Chaos punctuates his derision with a belch before reaching for another Chadweiser.



Thompson: Introducing first, standing 5’7” and weighing in at 291 pounds, BOBBBBBBBBBBI LONDDDDDDDON!!



Reese: Kenzi Grey-Lacklan’s favorite proxy takes her place behind one of the sheeted tables as Kane hands her a bib.



Chaos: Wait… who?

Hanson: Another strange choice for an entrance, but to each their own.



Chaos: Hang on, who is that guy giving out bibs?



Reese: Making his way out now, here comes The Generic Heel!



Thompson: He stands at 5'Sexy, and weighs in at 240 lbs of Sexy Brand butter, The GENNNNNERIC HEEEEEEEEEEL!!



Chaos: Hey! Who is the self-fister wearing the ref stripes?



Hanson: Sebastian Kane?



Chaos: Who??



Reese: Sebastian Kane: Referee. Sebastian was in training to be a wrestler and was in line for an opportunity on Synergy, but asked too many annoying questions and Robert Ooley tore up his contract and wiped his ass with it. Dexter Vines gave the youngster a second chance at the industry, recognizing that his prior experience managing a Bojangles made him ideal to oversee the Chickenwing Eating division, and he debuted as a referee in 2019.



Chaos: Ok, sure, if you’re just going to read from your phone…



Hanson: Generic Heel also waving off a bib, as he and Bobbi both step up to their respective tables, ready to get started!



Reese: A couple of ring techs grab the sheets, and flip them up to reveal four large plates piled high with chicken wings!!



Hanson: We’re told that each tray holds seventy-five wings, and each tray has a different flavor!



Reese: The bell rings, and they’re off on the lemon pepper wings!!



Chaos: Bobbi dives in and immediately begins slurping the meat off the bones one after another.



Reese: There’s literally no way to describe what she’s doing without sounding vulgar.



Hanson: GH has stepped up and, instead of diving in, he begins sorting the wings out?



Reese: He’s separating them into legs and flats--



Chaos: You mean drummettes and wingettes?



Hanson: We’re not going to have this debate.



Reese: Once the entire tray is sorted, GH carefully begins, dissecting each wing carefully as he begins to consume them.



Chaos: Bobbi is on to the second tray already, the Jamaican jerk wings, and Kane is darting here and there, checking the bones she’s discarding over her shoulder.



Hanson: I’ve been told, if he’s not satisfied the bone is clean he’ll add it back to the trays.



Reese: So far, not a single one has been disqualified, and he moves over to quickly check on the tidy pile of bones GH has begun to amass.



Chaos: With grease and sauce dripping down her chin, Bobbi catches GH’s eyes, and he simply winks at her as he expertly picks the meat from inside a flat with his tongue.



Hanson: Spurred on by his silent tease, Bobbi begins shoving two at a time into her gob and sliding them back out devoid of chicken.



Reese: GH has finished sorting the second tray as Bobbi has shoved the last two wings from the second tray into her mouth.



Chaos: Not pausing for breath, Bobbi hops down to the third tray, honey barbecue, before removing the bones from her teeth.



Hanson: GH, though his approach is much more measured, is moving through his tray with surgical precision, and seems to be catching up to Bobbi!



Reese: He’s on to the third tray!



Chaos: Bobbi’s sauce-plastered face falls as she catches Kane out of the corner of her eye adding a handful of wings to the fourth tray.



Hanson: These are the Ghost Pepper wings!



Reese: She needs to stop rushing and make sure she gets those bones clean!



Chaos: They’re both onto the fourth tray at the same time!!



Hanson: Despite his care, GH’s hands are as messy as Bobbi’s face, and it’s getting harder and harder for him to keep it off his own face.



Reese: He’s into it up to his elbows, and it looks like he’s just delivered a newborn horse or something.



Chaos: What the fuck?



Hanson: That fourth tray is getting emptier and emptier on both sides, and Bobbi has forced herself to slow down to avoid any more embarrassing redos.



Reese: They’re both pouring sweat, and I can’t tell if it’s from the Ghost Peppers in the sauce, or the effort they’re both exerting just trying to guzzle down three hundred wings!!



Chaos: Bobbie goes to wipe sweat, and a red streak appears on her forehead.



Hanson: It dripped into her eye!! She winced and there’s a bump at the table as her wings go flying! The last ten or so scatter across the ring floor!



Reese: Did GH do that?



Chaos: No, she bumped the table after that Ghost Pepper sauce dripped into her eye!



Hanson: I don’t know…



Reese: As she scrambles to get them all, eating as she goes, GH grabs the last few and goes to work.



Chaos: Bobbi lunges at the table, the force of her body hitting it driving it into GH’s gut.



Hanson: The force causes him to exhale his last bite as Bobbi shoves her final wing into her mouth--



Reese: He catches it! That spicy morsel went flying, but he caught it in midair and shoved it back in!!



Chaos: A quick chew and he swallows just as Bobbi removes the last bone-



Hanson: Kane declares Generic Heel the winner!! He goes to raise his arm, but hesitates and just points at him instead!



Reese: Bobbi London pounds the table in frustration as Thompson makes the announcement:



Thompson: Your winner, and still Chickenwing Eating Champion, Generic Heel!!


Bobbi London: 6.24
The Generic Heel: 6.99

[DrunkenBuzzsaw]

Segment: The Boneyard

Location: In-ring

Time: Before the Yank-of-Combat

“I Am The Slime” by Frank Zappa (22 seconds in) begins to play, shortly followed by none other than The #1 Hit-Maker Johnny Bonecrusher strolling to the ring to a chorus of boos. Johnny looks around at the jeering crowd, a scowl already on his face slowly softening into a smirk. He blows kisses to the fans, many of which proverbially throw them back.

Aaron Reese: “Ugh.”

Daniel Hanson: “Well, here comes Johnny ahead of schedule!”

Aaron Reese: “Ugh.”

'The Drunken Buzzsaw' Chaos: “You got anything better to say about Johnny Bonecrusher there?”

Aaron Reese: “Ugh.”

“Deathwish” Hide Yamazaki follows shortly afterwards, swinging his chains as per usual. He nearly clocks a 10-year-old boy in the front row, and security comes past, snatching the chain away from him.

Daniel Hanson: “Wait, that’s all you had to do to get those chains away from him?”

Aaron Reese: “Well, it’s about time someone did!”

'The Drunken Buzzsaw' Chaos: “Not nearly as fuckin' exciting though.”

Aaron Reese: “Yeah, I guess not…”

Yamazaki seethes in Japanese at security before chasing after them. Johnny looks back when he hears the commotion, mouth agape and hands extended as if saying “what the fuck?!” He then shrugs it off, continuing to the decorated ring.

Aaron Reese: “So what exactly is this?”

Daniel Hanson: “I have a feeling, Aaron, that if we wait just another 30 seconds, we might very well find out.”

'The Drunken Buzzsaw' Chaos: “Burn.”

Aaron Reese: “...”

Johnny enters the ring, getting handed a mic by Mark Thompson. Alice Nasmith can be seen ringside, looking like it’s going to be an extra-long night for her.

Johnny Bonecrusher: “Let… me make one thing… PERFECTLY CLEAR:”


The fans boo. Johnny scans the crowd with disdain.

Johnny Bonecrusher: “While I feel you humanoids don’t deserve this, I feel like I do, so here we are: this is officially the 10th edition of… The Boneyard!!”

There's a mixed reaction to this announcement.

Aaron Reese: "The what?!"

Daniel Hanson: "You've never heard of The Boneyard before?!"

'The Drunken Buzzsaw' Chaos: "You have?"

Daniel Hanson: "Well, no."

Johnny Bonecrusher: “Yes! Get excited! It's been half a decade since the last one, and now that I'm this close to retirement and shifting full-time to a managerial role, I feel there's no better time than the present to dust off this old number!”

Aaron Reese: "Oh great, yet another opportunity to hear Johnny ramble on and on."

Daniel Hanson: "That's 20 years of insight in that ring, whether you like it or not."

Aaron Reese: "That doesn't mean anything!"

'The Drunken Buzzsaw' Chaos: "I wrestled for 20 years."

Aaron Reese: "But that's different!"

Johnny Bonecrusher: “Now before we get to my first guest, let's shut our eyes and look back to Grand Slam, okay? Is that easy even for you people? It was just three days ago!”

Johnny shuts his eyes and holds up his free hand. The fans boo, insulted. Johnny momentarily opens one eye, annoyed at the interruption.

Johnny Bonecrusher: “Picture it: it's almost the end of the night. Everything's on the line, as Roxy Cotton, Semi-Circle Champion-"

The crowd has a mixed reaction to the #CoolKids' name. Johnny inhales deeply as he softly shakes his head, once again annoyed at the crowd's murmuring.

Johnny Bonecrusher: “...does the thing she didn't have the guts to do before, and faces both Chaos and World Champion Angelica Vaughn.”

The crowd pops for another #CoolKid. Johnny cocks his lowered head a bit, sucking his teeth and sighing.

Johnny Bonecrusher: “There could be only one winner for three championships. There was no two ways about it: a #CoolKid would own almost all the gold on their own, and the #CoolKids as a whole would remain holding all the gold.”

Aaron Reese: "It was certainly a monumental night for the UGWC and especially for the #CoolKids."

Daniel Hanson: "Definitely an unforgettable night!"

'The Drunken Buzzsaw' Chaos: "Fuckin' aye."

Johnny Bonecrusher: “Except for me and Yamazaki's Yank-of-Combat Championship, but anyway!”

The fans boo the cheap back-pat.

Daniel Hanson: "Don't forget about the Chickenwing Eating Championship!"

Johnny Bonecrusher: “Besides the shock of Roxy Cotton being the new Grand Slam Champion, there was a shock of another sort in the form of a revelation!”

Johnny opens his eyes as he stands up straight again.

Johnny Bonecrusher: “But we're getting ahead of ourselves, aren't we? So without further ado, allow me to begrudgingly introduce to you... your, ugh-”

Johnny looks sick as he raises a clenched fist to his mouth.

Johnny Bonecrusher: “Introduce you to, to y-your-”

Johnny visibly retches.

Aaron Reese: "He could at least pretend to be respectful."

Daniel Hanson: "Johnny and Roxy don't get along! What do you want?"

'The Drunken Buzzsaw' Chaos: "Roxy doesn't get along with anyone who isn't a #CoolKid."

Johnny pauses to regain his composure, and the fans show their disdain for his time-wasting.

Johnny Bonecrusher: “To your Grand Slam Champion... Roxy Cotton!”

Roxy’s theme song plays to a mixed reaction from the crowd. Purple and pink strobe lights criss cross the arena as everyone waits a little longer than usual for the Bubblegum Bombshell to make her way out of the back.

Finally, Roxy emerges… but not on foot. She’s seated in a wheelchair being pushed by her longtime bodyguard and personal assistant, the towering, muscular woman known only as Maxine.

Max stops on the stage to allow Roxy a moment to raise her hands over her head and wave to her fans. Roxy then gestures to the silk pillow behind her head and demands that Maxine fluff it up better for her, which she does. The crowd boos more loudly as it sinks in that Roxy is injured and unable to compete in any capacity, and Maxine wheels the new UGWC Grand Slam Champion to the ring.

When they get to the ring itself, Maxine takes a deep breath and bends down, picking up the chair with Roxy in it and carries it up the ring steps, then places it carefully inside the ropes. Maxine steps over the top rope to enter the ring herself and then pushes Roxy’s chair to the center where Johnny waits.

Johnny Bonecrusher: “What’s this malarkey?”

Roxy takes the mic Johnny offers her, then insists Maxine wheel her to face away from Bonecrusher so that she doesn’t have to actually look at him while answering.

Roxy Cotton: “THIS is my commitment to this company, John. Most people wouldn’t dare to go back into a ring in any capacity after suffering a devastating injury like I did at Grand Slam. My ankle is in horrible shape! The doctors told me it could take WEEKS before I’m able to walk without assistance… but am I going to back away from the challenge tonight? No. I found a way to make it work. John, please meet… Proxy Cotton.”

Maxine steps away, placing a disheveled blonde wig on her head, somewhat crooked. She points at the babydoll tee shi9rt she’s wearing, where big block letters tell the story: PROXY.

Roxy Cotton: “Now… OBVS I would prefer to win back the jerkoff championships back myself…”

Johnny Bonecrusher: “Now wait a minute that’s not what it’s called!”

Roxy Cotton: “Because there’s NOTHING I’d like to do more than jerk John off of the pedestal he’s been on ever since WrestleStock… but medically speaking, I just can’t. Luckily, Maxine is my personal property and anything she accomplishes is technically mine. It’s in the bylaws of her employment contract, after all. I hope this clears everything up.”

Johnny Bonecrusher: “I’ll tell you what’s cleared up, you annoying little minx!”

Kenzi Grey’s theme music suddenly plays and all eyes turn toward the entrance way as one half of the Cooperative Champions comes storming down the ramp; a look of annoyance on her face and a limp in her step. Sarah Grey-Lacklan is hot on her heels, telling her wife to calm down, but the television star doesn’t bother listening to a word of it.

Daniel Hanson: “WHOA! It looks like this interview segment is about to get a heck of a lot more interesting!”

'The Drunken Buzzsaw' Chaos: “Thank God! I was fuckin’ falling asleep!”

Aaron Reese: “Judging from the look on Grey’s face, she’s none too happy! She said she wanted to address the revelation that it was Roxy Cotton that shot her and injured her knee at WrestleStock.”

Daniel Hanson: “Well, Roxy said she was going to be here, so it looks like this show is about to finally get good!”

Kenzi heads to ringside and snatches a microphone off the Time Keeper’s Table and heads into the ring. Sarah is hot on her heels, holding Kenzi back from physically getting to the new Champion.

Kenzi Grey: “ROXY!! First...congratulations on all the titles...”

Roxy Cotton: “Thanks bb, I...”

Kenzi Grey: “No, don;t finish that sentence because I already know that you’ll say something to piss me off even more!”

Roxy Cotton: “I was just going to say I know, and I deserved it.”

Kenzi balls up her fists at her sides as she paces back and forth in front of the Triple Crown Champion. Her face is flushed with anger as she points an accusatory finger at Roxy.

Kenzi Grey: “Just answer this one question for me...just this one, then we can decide where to go from here. I want to know...WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU SHOOT ME AFTER I CAME TO WRESTLESTOCK TO HELP YOU RETAIN YOUR TITLE?! Just answer that...it’s all I want to know...why?”

Roxy seems dumb founded, as if she can’t believe what she is hearing.

Roxy Cotton: “I ALREADY TOLD YOU, I DIDN’T SHOOT YOU!”

Kenzi Grey: “There were THREE people there and I already talked to two of them! They didn’t do it and they didn’t lie about it either! SO TELL ME WHY YOU DID IT!”

Roxy Cotton: “Kenz, I would NEVER do that! Maybe there was a fourth shooter! Like, maybe someone on the grassy knoll! ”

This response doesn’t sit well at all with Kenzi and she bulls her way past Sarah only to have Maxine step between them. Kenzi tries to get around the massive bodyguard, but she won’t have any of it. Kenzi continues screaming into the microphone as the veins bulge from her neck.

Kenzi Grey: “I’M NOT PLAYING ROXY! YOU WERE BRAVE ENOUGH TO SHOOT ME AT WRESTLESTOCK, NOW BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO GET YOUR ASS KICKED FOR IT!”

Daniel Hanson: “I have to say, it was odd that Roxy would choose to target her friend, especially when Kenzi was trying to help her retain her title.”

Aaron Reese: “All’s well that ends well. Roxy eliminated her biggest threat and retained her title, end of story!”

Kenzi waits a few more moments, her frustration mounting by the moment as her path is blocked by Max. She turns to Sarah and shrugs. Then, suddenly she turns back and whollops Max in the head with the microphone, sending the sound of feedback screaming through the arena.

'The Drunken Buzzsaw' Chaos: “HOLY SHIT!”

The crowd gasps as Max is staggered. Kenzi hits the wheelchair, spilling Roxy to the mat as she tries to grab her. Johnny claps his hands with excitement at this turn of events.

Maxine recovers and rushes over to grab Kenzi, but the starlet turns on her. Kenzi screams in anger as she hits Max with the microphone again and again and again, sending the big woman down to one knee. Sarah rushes over to stop Kenzi from the totally unwarranted attack, ripping the microphone from her hand as she tries to talk some sense into her.

Sarah Gray-Lacklan: BELOVED! WE WERE JUST GOING TO TALK! 

Kenzi holds up her hands and backs away as Sarah tries to de-escalate the situation, walking over to check on Max. Roxy rolls out of the ring, collecting her numerous fallen titles in the process.

Johnny Bonecrusher: “Hey! I don’t know about you, but I think this 10th episode of The Boneyard is turning out pretty freaking good!”

Sarah turns and pins The #1 Hit Maker with a death glare as she pulls Kenzi away from the ropes where she has Roxy in her sights. The distraction is momentary, but it is all that is needed. Suddenly, Kenzi charges across the ring in the opposite direction and drives her knee right into the side of Max’s head, knocking Roxy Cotton’s bodyguard out of the ring and down to the floor in a heap. Kenzi falls into the corner, holding her leg as she screams in pain. When Sarah comes to check on her, Kenzi takes the microphone back from her.

Kenzi Grey: “ROXY, IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO TELL ME WHY YOU SHOT ME, I’M GOING TO COME OUT THERE AND BEAT IT OUT OF YOU!”[/color]

Kenzi waits as Sarah is nearly frantic, unsure what to do. Off to the side, Johnny seems exceedingly pleased with this turn of events. He smiles from ear to ear as he claps his hands, much to Sarah’s annoyance. Kenzi rolls out of the ring.

Kenzi Grey: “HERE I COME!”

Kenzi tosses the microphone down and angrily heads for the Time Keeper, shoving them out of their chair and grabbing it.

Suddenly, the former Chaotic World Champion, Angie Vaughn runs down to help stop the situation from getting worse. Kenzi limps around ringside, making a beeline for Roxy as she backs away. Sarah and Angie get between them. Sarah yanks the chair out of Kenzi’s hands, forcing her away from the new champion.

'The Drunken Buzzsaw' Chaos: "Sarah is such a fuckin’ kill joy! Things were just getting good!"

Kenzi tries to storm past her wife, but her knee buckles again and Sarah is there to catch her along with Angie before she falls. A look of concern is etched on Roxy’s face and she moves to join her friends, but Angie stops her and tells her to go to the back. It is clear that this isn’t what she wants, but she finally throws up her hands and reluctantly leaves as Kenzi’s eyes bore into her.

[DrunkenBuzzsaw]

Reese: And now it’s time for the Tug of War Championship match, as Johnny Bonecrusher and his client Hide Yamazaki take on the tandem of Captain 80’s-

Hanson: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Reese: -and Proxy Cotton.

Hanson: That attack moments ago... I wonder how Proxy is going to be able to compete?

Chaos: She's a professional. She'll do what she has to do.

Reese: Well thanks to the stagehands a few moments ago, the scene has been set for this dramatic display of strength. There has been red tape placed down the middle of the ring, and all we are waiting on now are the competitors to make their entrance.

Hanson: I'm still pissed. I mean, no mud? What kind of tug of war match is this?

Reese: It wasn’t in the budget.

Hanson: Well then take it outside! Grab a hose, water the ground down, and let’s do it!

Chaos: Do you ever shit the fuck up?

Hanson: Channeling your inner #CoolKid, Chaos?

Chaos: Maybe…

Reese: Well Johnny is still at ringside, and now that all of the #CoolKid quarreling has assuredly moved to the backstage area, we can get this match underway.

Mark Thompson: Introducing first, the team of Hide Yamazaki and Johnny Bonecrusher!

The first few seconds of "The Mob Rules" by Black Sabbath begins to play, and once “Whoooooahh, come onnn!” is heard, Hide Yamazaki bursts through the curtains, swinging his chains and forcing out a sadistic-sounding laugh.

The swinging of the chains continues as Yamazaki makes his way down the aisle, showing no regard as to whether he might strike a fan or not. Johnny yells at him from the ring. Stopping once he's at the top of the ring steps, Yamazaki throws his chains into the ring with reckless abandon, inciting the referee to shout at him, which accomplishes nothing. Johnny just smirks and shrugs coyly at the referee. He pries the ropes apart, and Yamazaki darts in between them, entering the ring in that staggering way The Great Muta does.

Hanson: Man, the chaos these two guys have caused during their careers!

Chaos: Yeah, they’re alright.

Mark Thompson: And their opponents, the team of Captain 80s and Proxy Cotton!

As the music hits and strobe lights flash frenetically, The Captain arrives on the stage wearing a pink vinyl jacket that has been airbrushed with “80” in periwinkle and bedazzled, tassels hanging from the entire length of his arms. The jacket has remarkable shoulder pads which are covered by purple epaulets, and giant gold buttons line the front though he wears it opened. His facepaint takes on the shape of a comically large, brightly colored eyepatch over his right eye. He wears a headband under his severely teased blond hair, featuring a blue anchor over a red rising sun. On his right hand is a disco-ball-esque glove. His Zubaz tear-away pants feature blue stripes before they disappear into his white, calf-high, heeled boots.

Beside him is a still dazed Proxy Cotton, who looks strikingly like Roxy Cotton, minus her size. And face. But everything else, right down to the pink, sparkling glitter and rhinestones that spell out PROXY on her tiny baby tee is the same. The Captain looks over at her and smiles.

Captain 80’s: AHOY ROXY COTTON! THE CAPTAIN SEES YOU HAVE ADOPTED HIS WORKOUT ROUTINE AND IT HAS DONE WONDERS FOR YOU! THIS NEW PHYSIQUE IS IMPRESSIVE AND A CLEAR IMPROVEMENT! YEEAHHH!!!!

Chaos: Well, guess that answers the question as to whether or not the Captain watches the fuckin' product.

Halfway down the ramp, Captain 80’s produces a ludicrously long, telescoping, brass spyglass, and looks over the crowd, before then turning it towards his partner. He affects a surprised look, then points at her and invites Proxy to help him remove his extra attire. Proxy just glares at him, so he winds up removing it all himself, revealing his bright yellow trunks, yellow tassels around his biceps, and yellow wrist tape.

Chaos: Frightening.

Hanson: That’s completely uncalled for, Chaos! You should apologize for that remark about Max-, err, Proxy Cotton.

Chaos: The fuck you blabbering about, Hanson? I was referring to the last time I got saddled calling this ridiculous fuckin’ match. Thought that shit was behind me. The fact that it isn’t scares the shit out of me. What am I even doing with my life?

Hanson: Wait… what?

Chaos: I think the beer is hitting me harder than I expected. That brand new Drunken Buzzsaw IPA, bitches!

Hanson: Oh joy.

Reese: Alice Nasmith is going over the rules of this match, as the four competitors prepare themselves.

Chaos: What rules? You grab the rope and pull the fuckin’ thing until your opponents cross the line. This is third grade shit.

Reese: JBC over to Alice now and is telling her something. She’s nodding but looks uncertain.

Hanson: Johnny has exited the ring and is motioning to the back.

Reese: Johnny now is pointing at both Proxy and Captain 80’s and telling them to look up. And look at what is being lowered into the ring!

Chaos: Oh for fucks sake…

Hanson: We had heard rumors that this was going to happen, and it looks like those rumors are true!

Reese: Hide will now be teaming with a one-ton anvil here in this match!

Chaos: I shoulda fuckin’ stayed fully retired.

Hanson: I second that.

Reese: The combatants are ready, and Alice has called for this match to begin!

The aerial camera focuses high overhead, showing the long rope that will be used for this Tug of War Championship match, as well as the red line of tape right down the center of the ring. On the left side of the ring, Captain 80s is yelling a word of advice to Proxy Cotton; and on the right side of the ring, Hide is yelling at the anvil, while ‘The Number One Hitmaker’ yells into the ring at Yamazaki.

Reese: Alice has called for the bell!

DING!

Reese: All three pulling with everything they have, but the true star right now is the anchor of Hide’s team, the anvil!

Chaos: So fuckin’ ridiculous…

Hanson: Look at the muscles bulge!

Chaos: The Cap’n would be happy to know you’re a fan, Hanson.

Hanson: Who says I was talking about Captain 80s?

Reese: Hide starting to go ballistic now, and Proxy Cotton is being pulled close to that red line!

Hanson: ‘Deathwish’ likely just wants to get this thing over with, so that he can pick up that anvil and beat somebody with it.

Chaos: The fuckin’ thing weighs a ton, Hanson? What, is he Superman all of a sudden?

Hanson: I realize the damn thing is too heavy for any one man to lift, Chaos. I’m not an idiot.

Chaos: Yeah, ok.

Reese: Both Captain 80s and Proxy Cotton are being pulled across the ring. This is an amazing display by Hide!

Hanson: Proxy’s toe is now just before the line! This one might be over!

Chaos: We can only hope, Hanson.

Reese: The Captain trying to pull all the energy from his first mates though!

Captain 80’s: FALLLLLLLLLLLLLCOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reese: This man is no mere mortal! Look at that! With one tug of the rope, now it is Hide who is mere inches from the line!

Hanson: But the way Hide is positioned, Captain 80s can pull all he wants, he isn’t moving that anvil!

Reese: And we have reached a stalemate. Neither team is currently able to move the other at the moment.

Hanson: What in the hell is Captain 80s doing?!

Chaos: Maybe he’s leaving. Wish I would have.

Reese: Captain 80s has released the rope, and is eyeing the anvil!

Captain 80’s: I GIVE TO YOU THE POWER OF THE FIRST MATES ROXY ROTTON! FOR FALCORRRRRRRR!!!!!

Reese: The Captain has abandoned his position as the anchor for his team, and he has moved over to the other side of the ring! He’s trying to pick up the anvil!!!

Chaos: Poor, deluded bastard.

Hanson: Sounds like someone else I know.

Chaos: Don’t let him talk about you like that, Reese.

Reese: Captain 80s has reached down and grabbed a hold of the anvil, and every muscle fiber in his body seems to be twitching as he is attempting to lift that anvil up!

Hanson: Oh my God! I think he’s doing it!

Chaos: No fuckin’ way he’s lifting that up.

Reese: I think it might be off the mat, guys!

Hanson: Unfortunately the same can’t be said of Proxy Cotton. It took a lot of effort, but he just pulled Proxy across the line.

Chaos: Does that mean this shit is over?

Reese: Well both competitors have crossed over onto the other side of the ring, so yes, this tug of war contest is over.

Mark Thompson: The winners, and STILL Tug of War Champions, Hide Yamazaki and Johnny Bonecrusher!

Reese: Riveting night of action so far tonight, and up next is our main event chairs match!

Chaos: Riveting? You serious?

Hanson: You’ve got a bad attitude, Chaos.

Johnny Bonecrusher & Hide Yamazaki: 7.16

Proxy Cotton & Captain 80s: 7.14

[DrunkenBuzzsaw]

Reese: Chinatsu Chen is already in the ring, but unlike Ace Sky at the beginning of the night this wasn't a decision made by the Chill production crew, she just kind of appeared.

Hanson: What has happened to her? Chinatsu Chen used to be so cute, she was a picture of beauty, now she looks like a corpse!

Chaos: Don't knock it Hanson, if she really IS dead then maybe you stand a chance. Think of how often the fact that the object of your desire has a pulse has derailed your plans in the past!

Hanson: Better than being a cousin fucker.

Chaos: Is it though? Is it, really?

Mark Thompson: He is ‘The Jerry Jones of the LFL’, Vinnie Lane!

"I WANNA ROCK!" screams out from the PA as the arena is bathed in purple and pink strobes.

From behind the curtain emerges the one and only Rock n' Roll Megastar, trademark grin across his face, pumping his fist and mouthing along with the lyrics of the song.

As Loverboy struts to the ring he pauses intermittently to slap hands with some fans and shoot finger guns with at others. Halfway to the ring he pauses to swivel his hips and play a little air guitar before taking off running and sliding into the ring beneath the bottom rope and popping up to his feet, hands high over his head, and doing a full 360 spin in place while soaking in the fans' love.

Reese: And here is our World, Cross-Hemisphere and Chaos Champions very close friend, 'Loverboy' Vinnie Lane.

Hanson: Close friend? Do you think our audience are toddlers, they fu…

Reese: We have been asked not to concentrate on that area as it could have a negative impact on their incomes from outside the wrestling world.

Hanson: Oh come on! A cursory look at Twitter will tell you that they have been scre…

Chaos: Fucks sake Daniel! The kind of people that pay for these services aren't exactly known for their deductive reasoning skills.

Hanson: You shouldn't stereotype, there is nothing wrong with a good, honest, camshow.

Chaos: I rest my case.

Reese: May I draw your attention back to Vinnie himself, who appears to be dragging a rather solid bar stool behind him and he slides it into the ring.

Chaos: Whatshisname White, the referee…

Hanson: His name is Craig, how long have you been doing this?

Chaos: To be honest with you Daniel, I am pretty drunk.

Hanson: You are ALWAYS drunk.

Chaos: It's a side effect of being in close proximity to leaky assholes like yourself.

Reese: As Chaos tried to point out referee Craig White has asked Loverboy why he has brought a bar stool along with him, and Lane has demonstrated that 'technically' it is a chair by sitting on it.

Chaos: He's unsure what to do, he looks towards the stage in hope of getting an indication from someone else of how he should deal with the situation, but none is forthcoming.

Reese: He looks to Chen to see if she has any issues, but unless a cockroach crawling out from the hairline is how the undead formally issue a protest, he sees no objections from her. Therefore he signals for the match to get underway.

DING!

Chaos: Vinnie nods and climbs off his chair as Chinatsu Chen just stands motionless in the middle of the ring staring at him.

Reese: Lane turning and picking up the metal bar stool and he swings it directly at Chunatsu's head.

Hanson: DAT'S NASTY!

Reese: This is one of the rare occasions that I agree with you, Daniel. The impact of the chair slams into her skull and an explosion of bugs fills the air. Roaches, flies, spiders, centipedes, amongst other creepy crawlies evacuate her upper torso at speed.

Chaos: That's the part you choose to focus on…HER HEAD SPUN 360 DEGREES AROUND ON HER NECK…AND SHE IS STILL STANDING!!!

Reese: Well, yes, that was peculiar, but it doesn't deter Vinnie who aims another shot at her skull.

Chaos: The results are similar, but this time rather than a swarm of bugs, a baseball sized hairball falls to the canvas, sprouts 8 legs, and crab walks out of the ring.

Reese: But still Chen stands motionless in the very same spot she appeared on when the match started.

Chaos: Vinnie takes a step back, puts the stool down and strokes his chin considering his options.

Reese: He then lifts the stool and swings it once more, this time however he swings lower and from behind, taking Chen's legs from her…

Chaos: She falls back landing hard and stiff on the canvas.

Hanson: And a tentacled beast has just forced its way from between her legs and seemingly gone in pursuit of the escaped furball from earlier…

Reese: A smile crosses Vinnie's face as his suspicions are confirmed as Chen remains motionless on her back…

Hanson: You think it's gonna kill it or fuck it?

Chaos: Jesus, Hanson, Vinnie doesn't share your perversions…

Hanson: No, the tentacle monster! When it catches the hairball…

Chaos: Why?

Hanson: I think there might be a lucrative market for that footage, in fact if you'll excuse me…

Reese: As Daniel scurries away Vinnie is covering Chen whilst ensuring the least amount of his body comes into contact with her fetid carcass, and the count starts.




1….







2….









3!!!!

Chaos: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHH

Reese: What the hell, Chaos?

Chaos: Sorry, I was anticipating a jump scare, I have seen enough oriental zombie chick films to know what should have happened.

Reese: Yeah, you misjudged that one. Chinatsu Chen remains motionless on the canvas as 'Loverboy' Vinnie Lane celebrates his second win on Chill!

Chaos: Am I more drunk than usual, or was tonight a really strange fuckin’ episode?

Reese: Strange doesn't really cover it, but I certainly won't forget our time here in Bridgeport!

Chaos: But don't let it put you motherfuckers off of joining us next time we Chill!

Reese: Goodnight!


Chinatsu Chen: 0 
Vinnie Lane: 6.48