Keeper of the Keys 2022

[UGWC Staff]

Vinegar: Welcome to the Smoothie King Arena in New Orleans, the site of this year's Keeper of the Keys event!

Covert Jay: Huttah!

Lieberjosch: We've got five big matches tonight, three championships on the line!

Vinegar: Numinous Fate will challenge Holden Orson and Phrixus Deimos for the Cooperative Championship, and Dave Rydell will defend against Ezra Wolf!

Covert Jay: We'll also see a rematch of this year's WrestleStock Open Tournament finals when Travis Pierce once again faces 'The Bogeyman' JC!

Vinegar: Our main event features the second ever Keys to the Kingdom Match in the main event, the winner of which will control his or her fate at Horizons with the match of their choice!

Lieberjosch: And if Tempest wins that match, he'll be able to control who he defends the World Title against in the main event of Horizons!

Vinegar: But we begin with a triple threat match for the Chaos Championship!

[UGWC Staff]

The opening beat for “Bankrupt” plays over a darkened arena. Blue strobes flash. Shane Told’s shrilling voice hits the PA ”BLOW IT UP!” A massive pyro explodes as the song picks up in full force. The lights flash blue and white as Chuck Rydell steps onto the stage. He soaks in the fan fare as he makes his way down to the ring. He climbs on the apron and wipes his feet before he climbs through the ropes. He hits the furthest turnbuckle and plays to the crowd before hopping down. He tosses his shirt into the crowd and does a final quick stretch before the match.
 
Mitchell Dennis: Introducing first, from Washington DC, weighing in at 202 lbs……Chuuuuuck Ryyyyydddeeeeelllllllllll!!!!!!
 
Vinegar: Chuck Rydell, making his return at the Massive Melee. The reception from the roster has not been a good one.
Leiberjosch: He’s been compared to his brother a number of times, and I gotta say, I like him a hell of a lot more than Dave.
Covert Jay: HUTTAH!
Vinegar: You already did that.

 
“Violence Fetish” by Disturbed hits the PA system. Once the song picks up, and angry Ken Davison makes his way down to the ring. He is staring a hole right at Chuck Rydell, still seemingly irritated from the singles loss a couple of weeks back.
 
Mitchell Dennis: And his opponent, weighing in at 219 lbs… representing the Batimore Elite…Kennnnnnn Daaaaavvvviiiisssssoooonnnnn!!!!!!
 
Ken climbs into the ring doesn’t take his eyes off Chuck, until…

 
The lights in the arena dip to black in time with the sirens and beat to the opening of Sweatpants (BattleTapes Remix) by Childish Gambino, the lights then beginning to flash, alternating left and right onto the ramp. In time, the letters "S", "E", "B", and then "Empire" flash one at a time on the big screen until the lights stop flashing as the lyrics hit.

"She askin' “Why you say that?!”

The beat drops and the lights flash on the rampway again. As they do, the screen illuminates with "SEB" and then "EMPIRE" flashing on the sceen.

"Rich kid asshole, paint me as a villain"

Sebastian Everett-Bryce flings his arms wide, staring up with his head covered by the hood of his jacket. He stands in the middle of the ramp, the lights beating down on him, before looking out at the crowd. He wears a long jacket with the hood pulled up over his head, zipped to the waist. The jacket, which is cut away at the bottom and only runs down the back of his legs, is patterned with an elongated Union Flag, but it’s in black and white and appears to be cracked and broken. His tights are short, with the initials SEB emblazoned upon the front.

The lights lift, and SEB makes his way to the ring, stretching his neck from side to side as he walks, his eyes focused on the ring. He climbs up the steps and steps through the ropes before standing in the middle of the ring.

"I'm winnin', yeah, yeah, I'm winnin' (What?)
Rich kid, asshole, paint me as a villain"

He extends his arms once more before pulling back his hood and removing his jacket to reveal the back of his tights which read “S.E.B”

"Don't be mad cause I'm doing me better than you doing you
Better than you doing you, fuck it, what you gon' do? (What?!)"

He flashes his arms out to a side, a satisfied and somewhat sneery grin upon his face, he holds the position for a moment, to allow the crowd to take pictures, before moving towards his corner.
 
Mitchell Dennis: And their opponent… he is the U-G-W-C CHAOS CHAMPIONNNNN…… SEBASTIANNNNN EVERRREETTTTTT BBBBRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYCCCCCEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Vinegar: Sebastian Bryce. One of the most dangerous men in this company. And one of the names on the short list for the Hall of Fame, just with his Chaos Title run alone. An absolutely incredible career here.
Leiberjosch: Sebastian Everett Bryce.
Vinegar: Huh?
Covert Jay: His full name. Nicky Boy!
 
DING DING DING!!!!!!!!!
 
The trio stand there, looking at one another, ready to pounce. But nobody is budging. SEB and Ken are focusing more on each other, hardly paying Chuck any mind. Chuck just leans back in the corner and watches, since he’s not being targeted. After a moment Chuck rolls his eyes and rolls out of the ring. He starts digging around and SEB and Ken get nose to nose, mouthing off to one another.
 
Vinegar: It seems that this is going to let the tension build even more, before we kick this thing off!
Leiberjosch: But where is Chuck going? He doesn’t seem to care about the stare down. Who can blame him?
Covert Jay: I can. I love a good stare down!
 
Ken shoves SEB and SEB shoves him right back. Ken comes right back, decking the Chaos Champion. Ken drops and starts pummeling SEB! He smashes his elbow and fist right into SEB’s face. Ken goes for it again but SEB blocks it and rolls Ken over. Hard elbow smash from SEB. Hard fist from SEB. Meanwhile, Chuck is on the outside, pulling all kinds of weaponry out at ringside. He’s set a table up alongside the ring. He’s got a trashcan full of all kind of weapons and hurls it into the ring.
 
Leiberjosch: Chuck just hit the motherload of weaponry.
Covert Jay: I better see some light tubes and potato sacks.
Vinegar: Why those…very specific things?
Covert Jay: Spooky, huh
 
The thud of the trashcan was enough to get SEB’s attention. Chuck slides into the ring with a chair and SEB lets up on Ken, who’s holding the side of his head. SEB meets with Chuck, who just seems to be smirking. SEB starts talking to Chuck, letting him know he doesn’t belong there. Chuck just laughs and goes to swing the chair. SEB quickly gets in a defensive posture but Chuck delivers a quick thumb to the eye, completely throwing off the Chaos Champ!
 
Covert Jay: What a dirty move!
Leiberjosch: I like it. It really fits the narrative here.
Vinegar: And what’s that?
Leiberjosch: Well, Chuck just got told he doesn’t belong here. So he’s going to do whatever he needs to, to prove that he does. He’s got a lot to prove tonight.
Vinegar: That he does and here we go with Chuck and the Champ!
 
Chuck drops the chair and whips SEB into the corner. He charges and follows with a clothesline. SEB staggers out of the corner but Chuck is there to grab him and sends him chest first into the same corner. He grabs SEB’s head and starts smashing it into the top turnbuckle. Without warning, Chuck flies back first to the mat. Ken is there, and just slammed him down headfirst. Ken yells at Chuck, telling him he doesn’t belong there.
 
Leiberjosch:  Another person telling him he doesn’t belong. What a shame.
Vinegar: You aren’t kidding.
Covert Jay: I won’t lie. These hits are devastatingly painful to watch.
 
Ken gets in the corner and starts punching SEB. SEB is able to block a hit and reverse Ken into the corner. SEB goes for a strike but Ken blocks that and shoves SEB back! Ken charges out and swings wildly, hitting a clothesline to take down SEB. Chuck, at this point, is back up and stalks a rising Ken with a kendo stick. As Ken turns, he gets cracked right in the head! Ken staggers back into the ropes and rebounds, right into a body shot with the kendo stick. Ken drops to his knees and Chuck cracks him a third time, sending Ken to the mat.
 
Vinegar: Chuck is going wild with that kendo stick!
Covert Jay: Get it? KENdo stick? Heh!
Leiberjosch: My god…
Covert Jay: What?!
 
SEB is up and Chuck swings with the kendo stick but SEB catches it! He hits Chuck with a headbutt that staggers him back. SEB takes the stick and whacks Chuck right over the head, and it drops the challenger. SEB tosses the stick to the side and focuses back on Ken. As SEB goes to pick up Ken, Ken hits him with an inside cradle! But SEB quickly kicks out before the hand hits for a 1 count.
 
Vinegar: Sebastian is not going down without a fight. Not at all!
Leiberjosch: Chuck really got carried away with that kendo stick and it came back to bite him!
 
Chuck has rolled out of the ring and to the floor. SEB is up before Ken and hits a vicious stomp on him. SEB goes to look for Chuck but sees he isn’t in the ring. SEB ignores it and grabs Ken. Ken gets pulled up but he breaks out and slugs SEB with a hard right hand. He whips SEB off the ropes and on the rebound, he hits a back body drop. While SEB takes a moment, Ken goes to grab a cookie sheet from the trashcan that Chuck brought in. SEB gets up and turns to face him, and WHACK! Ken drops him with the cookie sheet.
 
Covert Jay: What a shot!!!! Luckily no cookies were harmed during the making of this match.
Leiberjosch: And thank goodness for that!
Vinegar: Sebastian went down like a sack of potatoes!
Leiberjosch: There’s that reference again!
 
Ken picks up SEB and sends him off the ropes. On the rebound, Ken hits him with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker! Ken drops down into the cover and Hazel slides into place for a very quick 2 count. Ken grabs SEB and sends him into the corner. Ken grabs the nearby chair and picks it up. He takes it and goes edge first into SEB’s midsection. SEB doubles over, and Ken takes the chair and slams it right on his back.
 
Vinegar: Ken is really getting the upper hand here. He’s trying to get himself to the top of this division and prove that he is as good a singles competitor as he is with a teammate!
Leiberjosch: We know from his entire career that he most definitely is! He has nothing to prove to us!
Covert Jay: Perhaps he needs to prove it to himself? Maybe see if he still has it?
 
Ken hits SEB with a hard stomp before tossing the chair in the middle of the ring. He grabs SEB and sets him up in front of the chair. Ken lifts SEB for the Kenadian Destroyer…he’s going for it right on the chair but wait! Chuck Rydell is back in the ring and a fire extinguisher!!! Ken staggers back covering his face and SEB falls face first to the mat doing the same. Chuck tosses the extinguisher out and grabs SEB for a back body drop! Narrowly missing the chair. Ken charges right at Chuck but Chuck charges and hits him with Bullseye!! Chuck covers Ken and Hazel slides into position but he only gets a 2 count as SEB crashes the party and breaks the count.
 
Vinegar: Chuck with the Bullseye but SEB breaks the count. A slight chance for a new champion and it was dashed away!!
Leiberjosch: Ken is really closing in on the win here. But he can’t seem to figure out how to put SEB down for good. And it doesn’t help that Chuck keeps getting in the way!
 
SEB is up and grabs Chuck, quickly slamming him to the ground with a pinless Stamford Bridge and Chuck rolls out of the ring. Ken starts to get up and SEB rushes at him for the Empire Kick but Ken ducks it! SEB crashes and Ken picks him up, hitting him with the Jawdropper!!!! Ken Davison drops into the cover and Hazel slides into position, but almost gets 3, except SEB kicks out just before the final count!
 
Vinegar: OH MY GOD!!!! How freaking close was that?!
Leiberjosch: Nick, in all my years, I think that makes the top 5 of closest finishes I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
Covert Jay: I don’t know. Do we need to do what we did at the Melee? Photo finish? Did the fall happen before the kickout?
Leiberjosch: I don’t think we’re there yet.
 
Ken cannot believe it. But he gets right back up and grabs SEB for the Kenadian Destroyer! Ken goes for the cover but Chuck is back in the ring and jumps right on him with the Rydell Stomp! Chuck covers SEB again but only gets a 2.5 as SEB had enough to kick out once again!! Chuck grabs SEB and whips him into the corner but SEB reverses and charges at him in the corner! He splashes right into Chuck and then sets him on the top rope! He hits a spider suplex to Chuck from the top rope and as he gets up groggy, SEB leaps! MARKHAM MISSILE!!!!!!!!! SEB drops into the cover on Chuck but Chuck kicks out at 2.75!!!!
 
Leiberjosch: MARKHAM MISSILE!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!! AND CHUCK KICKED OUT?! UN-BE-LIEV-A-BLE!!!
Vinegar: That was dangerously close, honestly.
Covert Jay: What’s the likelihood we will see a new champion, not in Ken Davison, but in Chuck Rydell?
Vinegar: Anything is possible, honestly.
 
Ken is back up and grabs SEB and sets him up for the Jawdropper once more but SEB is able to break out of it. He hits a back elbow on Davison, who staggers forward. As Ken turns around, SEB is right there to go for a superkick but Ken ducks it and as SEB turns around, enziguri!!!! SEB drops to the mat and Ken grabs him for another Kenadian Destroyer! SEB breaks out of it and shoves Ken right into a rising Chuck Rydell! Chuck grabs the arm of Ken and hits him with Cut The Cord!
 
Covert Jay: CUT THE CORD! KENADIAN DESTROYER! JAWDROPPER! Literally everything imaginable is being pulled out here!
Leiberjosch: I honestly don’t even know which way this is going anymore.
Vinegar: Chuck hit Ken with Cut the Cord, but he didn’t get all of it. Watch the replay, he got just enough to get Ken off his feet and that was it. Ken was able to tuck the chin to avoid a full hit.
 
Chuck hurls Ken out of the ring and turns his attention back to SEB, who is using the ropes to stand up. He stalks the Chaos Champion and goes for Bankrupt! SEB ducks under it!!! He smashes Chuck with an elbow that staggers him into the ropes. SEB looks and comes off the opposite ropes and flies, hitting Chuck with the Empire Kick!!!!! Chuck flips inside out over the top rope and lands right through the table on the outside!!! SEB tries to grab onto the top rope but misses and stumbles onto the apron and falls right on top of Chuck on the outside!
 
Vinegar: HOLY SHIT!!!!
Leiberjosch: That was unbelievable! What a fucking move!!!!!!!
Covert Jay: I don’t think I’ve ever seen it hit that way! But I also don’t remember. Either way. INCREDIBLE!
 
Hazel East rushes to the outside to check on Chuck and SEB but sees that the Chaos Champion has the cover on Chuck. Ken is up on the other side of the ring and trying to rush around to break the count!!!! She is forced to count! And she counts 3!!!
 
Vinegar: Ken was so close to making it!!!!! What a heartbreaker!!!!
Leiberjosch: A hard fought match by all parties but to the victor goes the spoils.
 
DING DING DING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Mitchell Dennis: Here is your winner and STILLLLLLLLLLLLLL U-G-W-C Chaos Champion…. Sebastian Everett Bryyyyyycccceeee!!!!!!!
 
Vinegar: SEB has done it! He has defeated two brand new challengers, in the same night! What a match!
Leiberjosch: And what a way to open the show!

[UGWC Staff]

Vinegar: We continue here at Keeper of the Keys with our Cooperative Championship Match!

The opening guitar riff of “Zober” by the Spirit Machines lingers, and eventually fades, leaving only the sound of the drums. On the GlobalTron, the silhouettes of a man and woman walk along the starlit highway, slowly stepping closer and closer, their silhouettes growing and eventually filling the screen. The guitar riff cuts in for Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir” and the silhouettes on screen are replaced by the words:

Rogan F’n MacLean

The Dark Man steps out and stands in a spotlight with his head down.

Oh, let the sun beat down upon my face
And stars fill my dream
I'm a traveler of both time and space
To be where I have been

He raises his eyes and smirks as the song transitions to Tool’s “Sober” and the words on the screen are replaced by new ones:

Lucy F’n Wylde

Lucy steps out and stands in a second spotlight next to Rogan. The screen transitions back to their silhouettes walking, with a black Buick speeding through them.

Why can’t we not be sober?
I just want to start this over
Why can’t we drink forever?
I just want to start this over

The riff goes back to “Kashmir” and the two stride down to the ring together slowly. Rogan climbs the apron while Lucy climbs the ring steps. In the ring, Rogan kneels in the center, and Lucy climbs the far turnbuckle, pulling two fingerless gloves out and sliding them on. Once they’re on tight, she clenches her fists and hops down, kneeling in the corner as their music fades out.

Mitchell Dennis: The following contest is set for one fall and is for the Cooperative Championship! Introducing first…Lucy Wylde…Rogan MacLean…NUMINOUS FAAATTTEEEEE!!!!

Vinegar: Numinous Fate are two-time former Cooperative Champions, although they never had a successful defense. Nevertheless, they should prove a major test for the current champions.

'Clint Eastwood' by Gorillaz plays over the PA. After about 20 seconds, the lyrics start and Holden Orson strolls from backstage onto the main ramp, alongside Deimos. The music plays and highlights clips from his previous feuds and random Jan Wnęk sculptures appear on the screen.

Mitchell Dennis: And their opponents, they are the reigning AND defending Cooperative Champions, HOLDEN ORSON and PHRIXXXUS DEEIIIMOOOOSSSSS!!!

Vinegar: Deimos and Orson won the titles last month at the Massive Melee, ending the dominant reign of the Baltimore Elite.

Lieberjosch: Holden Orson is able to connect with Deimos in a way that we’ve not seen here in UGWC. They actually make a very effective pairing.

DING DING!!!

Vinegar: Both teams facing off in the center of the ring, and Numinous Fate goes on the offensive right away, attacking as they pair off, with Orson getting backed into a corner by Wylde as MacLean clotheslines Deimos into the ropes and spills over with him to ringside.

Lieberjosch: Holden reverses positions with Lucy and connects with strikes as Deimos goes to whip Rogan into the barricade at ringside, but Rogan reverses it and Deimos crashes into the steel.

Covert Jay: Holden sets Lucy up for a German suplex, but Rogan rolls into the ring and attacks him from behind.

Vinegar: MacLean pounds on Orson, then tries to set up the Call of Cthulu, but Orson floats out.

Covert Jay: Lucy lunges for a clothesline, but Holden dives out of the way and Lucy floors her partner.

Lieberjosch: Rogan rolls out of the ring as Holden school boys Lucy!





ONE!!!





TWO!!!!!





Vinegar: Wylde kicks out!

Covert Jay: Lucy springs to her feet but turns into Labokkato strikes from Holden.

Vinegar: Orson whips Wylde into the corner as Deimos climbs up onto the apron.

Lieberjosch: Holden stomps Lucy down and makes the tag to Deimos, who comes into the ring and lifts Lucy onto the top rope, then hits a superplex!

Vinegar: Deimos lays on the mat for a moment, then rolls over and covers Wylde!





ONE!!!





TWO!!!!!




Vinegar: MacLean breaks up the cover!

Lieberjosch: Sam Green ushers Rogan back out of the ring as Deimos drags Lucy to the corner and makes a tag to Holden.

Covert Jay: Holden into the ring, unleashes a series of strikes on Lucy, tags back out to Fear again.

Vinegar: Orson holds Wylde in place as Deimos slingshots into the ring with a forearm shot.

Lieberjosch: The champions are doing an effective job of keeping Lucy Wylde isolated from her partner.

Vinegar: Deimos whips Wylde towards the ropes, but she ricochets back and connects with Mindblow!

Lieberjosch: Lucy crawls towards the Numinous Fate corner, and Deimos staggers to his feet.

Covert Jay: Lucy goes to make the tag, but Fear grabs her leg and pulls her back towards the center of the ring, but Lucy hops on one leg and hits an Enziguri!

Vinegar: A desperation move from Lucy, and she makes the tag to Rogan!

Lieberjosch: Rogan charges into the ring and delivers a running knee to Deimos. He sets Deimos up for an electric chair, but Deimos floats out and shoves Rogan into the ropes, and hits a superkick!

Vinegar: Deimos hooks MacLean into a sleeper hold!

Lieberjosch: The ropes are out of reach, and Deimos is transitioning into Millennial Decay!

Covert Jay: Rogan looks about to tap, and Lucy charges into the ring and dropkicks Deimos, breaking up the hold!

Vinegar: Orson into the ring and charging at Wylde, but she pulls down the top rope and he spills to the outside!

Lieberjosch: Rogan has Deimos up in the electric chair again, Lucy moving into position!

Covert Jay: Call of the Wylde!!!

Vinegar: MacLean has the cover!





ONE!!!





TWO!!!!!





THREE!!!!!!!





Mitchell Dennis: Here are your winners, and the NEW Cooperative Champions, NUMINOUS FATE!!!!

Vinegar: Numinous Fate are three-time champions!

Covert Jay: Rogan MacLean has now won the Co-Op Titles for the fifth time in his career, meanwhile Lucy Wylde is a double champion!

Vinegar: A big win for them as the fierce competition continues in the Cooperative division!

Lieberjosch: We’ve got lots more action still to come!

[UGWC Staff]

Vinegar: This next match is a storm that’s been brewing since Wrestlestock earlier this year. JC and Travis Pierce climbed to the finals of the Wrestlestock Open. It was JC who walked out as the winner, and would go on to challenge Sebastian Bryce for the UGWC Chaos Championship in a Rooftop Match. JC would ultimately come up short.

Lieberjosch: Fast forward to the October 24th episode of Synergy, where Pierce would interfere in JC’s match against Vespertine, clobbering JC with a microphone and sending him a message. Ultimately, Pierce would issue the challenge to JC for tonight and JC would accept.

Covert Jay: Did you know you can’t kill the Bogeyman?

Vinegar: Speaking of which…

The lights suddenly drop, and in the silence, Ghost's "Hunter's Moon" to play with its haunting melody.
The music builds and lights flash, leading up to the chorus, signaling an arrival.

Though my memories have faded
They come back to haunt me once again
And though my mind is somewhat jaded now
It's time for me to strike again tonight
It's a hunter's moon

Dennis: The following match is for one fall!! Introducing first, from East Rutherford, New Jersey, he is The Boogeyman, JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJCCCCCCCCC!!!

'The Bogeyman' JC steps out onto the stage, staring out at the audience and wearing a Michael Myers mask over his had, having embraced his new ghoulish persona. He watches the crowd react to him and then begins walking steadily to the ring. He enters the ring and climbs up to the middle rope, before ripping the mask off of his head and staring out at the audience. He then returns to the ring and prepares for his match.

Pyros explode on the opening rifts of the song, and as the music softens Travis Pierce comes out from backstage and walks to the ring.

Dennis: And his opponent, from Los Angeles, California, The Icon of Entertainment, TRAVVVVISSS PIERCCCCCCCE!!

The bell rings and the two exchange words as they move to the center of the ring. Pierce ducks, however, and moves around JC and applies a waist lock. JC’s face contorts to a look that says “Really?” He throws a back elbow but Pierce quickly pushes off his back and backs away. JC whirls around, and Pierce open hand slaps him across the face.

Vinegar: Not sure I would have done that. Does he have a death wish?

Covert Jay: Pierce knows what he’s doing.

Lieberjosch: He’s been in the business long enough to know the psychology of it.

Vinegar: The psychology of waking a sleeping dog?

JC grins, bringing a hand up to his face. Pierce ducks a haymaker, and then a second haymaker, scurrying behind the Bogeyman again. This time he chop blocks him. JC falls to a knee in surprise, and Pierce wastes no time in going to work on it, kicking it and stomping when JC goes to the canvas.

Vinegar: Two ring veterans here; Pierce knows you have to ground that big man.

JC rolls away, but when Pierce pursues, the Boogeyman scoops him into a cradle. From there he transitions into a cradle suplex, wowing everyone with his power and speed. Pierce bounces and then rolls into the corner, wincing in pain.

Lieberjosch: So much for grounding the big man.

Covert Jay: Big meaty men slapping meat!

Vinegar: What?

JC yanks Pierce bodily to his feet, then pulls him into a tiger suplex. He goes for the first cover of the match.



1!!!





2!!!


Pierce kicks out!

Vinegar: The Icon still has some fight in him!

Travis rolls out of the ring to get a moment. JC isn’t having it, and he drops down as well, grabbing for Pierce. Pierce is quicker, though, and he pulls JC up into a quick backbreaker. Climbing up on the apron, Travis attempts goes for The Piercing Blow!

Lieberjosch: Pierce manages to get JC up and into the ring for the cover!



1!!!








2!!!









JC gets a shoulder up!

Vinegar: Near fall by Pierce there.

Covert Jay: If he can just keep relying on his speed–

Liberjosch: OH MY GOD!

Pierce had backed off and made his way to the corner, but then JC exploded back up to his feet and hit Big Boot of Death!. As Pierce collapses in the corner, JC picks him up and loads up a Schism to finish him off. He hooks a leg.


1!!!







2!!!!











3!!!

Dennis: Your winner, “The Boogeyman”, JJJJJJJJJJJCCCCCCC!!

[UGWC Staff]

Vinegar: It’s been an exciting night so far here in New Orleans, and we continue with the Cross-Hemisphere Championship!

I promise you there's times I'm not so sad
Some days the good will even out the bad
I know I'm married to my problems
It's always in my head
And I'm destined for greatness or death
DESTINED FOR GREATNESS OR DEATH!

Ezra Wolf makes his way out of the curtain as the last line is screamed. He heads towards the ring, slapping hands and singing along to his entrance music closely flanked by Mr. Pax. He walks up the stairs and hops onto the apron and steps up onto the middle turnbuckle. He pauses to play the air guitar a bit before stepping on the top rope and jumping into the ring. As he lands, he rolls forward and ends up on one knee in the center of the ring. Ezra throws him arms and head back, letting out a primal scream before tearing off his entrance gear. He hands his entrance gear to Ezekiel then takes a knee in his corner as he waits for the match to begin.

Mitchell Dennis: The following contest is set for one fall and is for the Cross-Hemisphere Championship! Introducing first, the challenger, being accompanied by Mr. Pax, EZZZRRAAAA WOOLLLLLLLLLFFFFFFFFFF!!!!

Vinegar: Ezra Wolf has been impressive over these past few months, even briefly held the Conquest Title, but this is easily his biggest match in UGWC to date.

Covert Jay: It was originally anticipated that Ezra would be one of two challengers here tonight, but unfortunately Vespertine had to withdraw with a health issue. We hope for good health and a speedy return.

Lieberjosch: It simply increases the odds for both Ezra and the defending champion to come out on top here tonight.

The opening drum beats and guitar riffs to “My Will Be A Dead Man” by Project 86 blare. The lights flicker and as the song picks up, Dave Rydell saunters out onto the stage. He is cloaked in the black, leather, hooded trench coat, as well as the mask. He leans over and adjusts the blousing off his multicam pants over his combat boots before walking down the ramp to the ring. As the lights around the arena glow an orange/red glow, he walks up the steps and climbs through the ropes. He pauses for a moment, facing one side of the arena. He pulls his hood back and flares out into the crowd as he removes his mask. He removes his trench coat and tosses both items to ringside, and does a quick arm and back stretch before his match.

Mitchell Dennis: And his opponent, he is the reigning AND defending Cross-Hemisphere Champion, DAVE RYYYYDEELLLLLLLL!!!!

Vinegar: Dave Rydell was caught by surprise during the Massive Melee by the surprise return of his brother Chuck, who we saw in action earlier tonight.

Covert Jay: Chuck came up short in the triple threat for the Chaos Championship, so it’s up to his brother to defend the honor of Rydells everywhere!

Lieberjosch: I’m shuddering at the idea that there are more Rydells out there.

Covert Jay: You obviously never met Big Daddy Rydell.

Lieberjosch: I know you’re kidding.

Covert Jay: Are you sure?

Lieberjosch: No.

DING DING!!

Vinegar: Match underway, Rydell and Wolf meeting in the center of the ring, and they lock up. Double elbow tie-up, each man grappling for position, struggling to get an advantage.

Covert Jay: Ezra manages to twist Rydell into a hammerlock, but Rydell counters through it, dropping to a knee and taking Ezra over with a fireman’s carry.

Lieberjosch: Dave Rydell is a twenty-year veteran, as much as Ezra Wolf may want to try to overpower him, it’s going to be very difficult to out-wrestle Rydell when they’re relatively evenly matched as far as size.

Vinegar: Side headlock applied by Rydell, trying to keep Wolf leveraged on the ground, but Wolf manages to work his way to his feet, and he knocks Rydell loose with a series of elbows to the chest.

Lieberjosch: Rolling elbow attempted by Ezra, sidestepped by Rydell.

Covert Jay: VIRUS OF LIFE!!!

Vinegar: Wolf shoves Rydell away before he can execute the move, and Rydell stops near the ropes, steadying himself against them and looking back at Wolf with a grin.

Lieberjosch: Ezra backing away into a corner, he knows how close he was to disaster right there, the Virus of Life remains one of the most devastating moves in the industry today.

Vinegar: Rydell in the center of the ring, he waves Wolf to come back at him, Ezra Wolf obliging after some encouragement from Mr. Pax at ringside.

Lieberjosch: Rydell sidesteps a palm strike, has Ezra in a waistlock.

Covert Jay: Standing switch by Ezra, and pulls Rydell into a German suplex!

Vinegar: Rydell sent tumbling towards the corner, and he nods to himself as he uses the ropes to pull himself back up.

Lieberjosch: Ezra charges towards him, Rydell evades at the last moment as Ezra runs into the corner!

Covert Jay: And Rydell grabs him for an acid drop!

Vinegar: The champion shoots the half into the cover!





ONE!!!





TWO!!!!!





Vinegar: Wolf kicks out!

Lieberjosch: Rydell brings him back to his feet and backs Ezra into the corner, unloading on him with right hands, but Brian Chartreuse steps in and backs him off.

Vinegar: Rydell tells the referee what he thinks about that, turns his attention back to his challenger, but Wolf erupts out of the corner with the Fore’n Object!

Covert Jay: Rydell staggers, trying to stay on his feet, but Ezra delivers a kick to the knee, follows up with the Lightning Strike!

Vinegar: And now Wolf has the cover!





ONE!!!





TWO!!!!!





Vinegar: Rydell kicks out!

Covert Jay: Rydell sits up, Ezra looking for a Penalty Kick, but Rydell rolls out of the way and to his feet!

Vinegar: Wolf’s momentum took him off his own feet, trying to get back up, but Rydell catches him with the Tip of the Spear!

Lieberjosch: Both men down for several seconds, Rydell stirring first, he whips Ezra off the ropes and launches him into the air, but Ezra comes back down with a forearm shot that knocks Rydell off his feet!

Covert Jay: Rydell lands in a seated position, and now Ezra connects with the Penalty Kick, and both men are down!

ONE!!!

Vinegar: The referee starting the ten count, Rydell will retain if neither answers the count!

TWO!!!

THREE!!!

Lieberjosch: First man to his feet will have a distinct advantage!

FOUR!!!

FIVE!!!

Covert Jay: Both starting to stir!

SIX!!!

SEVEN!!!

Vinegar: Ezra Wolf stumbling up, goes to grab Rydell!

Covert Jay: Inside cradle!





ONE!!!





TWO!!!!!





Vinegar: Wolf kicks out!

Covert Jay: Both men to their feet, and Ezra connects with Kickin’ It Old School!

Vinegar: Rydell rolls immediately out of the ring, veteran ring awareness of Dave Rydell coming into play yet again.

Lieberjosch: Ezra trying to leave the ring, Brian Chartreuse intercepting him and redirecting him to stay within the squared circle.

Vinegar: Rydell stumbling back to his feet at ringside, steadying himself, and he turns to find himself face to face with Mr. Pax!

Covert Jay: These two long ago once faced off for the Chaos Championship, in what must feel almost like a different lifetime for both men!

Vinegar: Staredown at ringside, meanwhile Wolf ignores the referee and dives through the ropes, spearing Rydell to the ground at ringside!

Lieberjosch: Ezra grabs him and sends him back into the ring, rolls in to follow him, but as he reaches for Ezra, Rydell leaps up and catches him with the After Shock!

Vinegar: Rydell rolls over and covers!





ONE!!!





TWO!!!!!





Vinegar: Wolf gets the shoulder up!

Covert Jay: Rydell gets to his feet, backs away and lines up for the Rydell Stomp! Here it comes!

Lieberjosch: Rydell goes for the stomp, but Ezra springs to his feet and catches him with the Knee Jerk Reaction!

Vinegar: Wolf rushes to the corner, to the turnbuckle!

Covert Jay: GRAVITY FALLS!!!!

Vinegar: He’s got the cover!





ONE!!!





TWO!!!!!





THREE!!!!!!!





Mitchell Dennis: Here is your winner, and the NEW Cross-Hemisphere Champion, EZZRRRAAA WOOOLLLLLLFFFFFFFF!!!!

Covert Jay: He did it!

Vinegar: Ezra Wolf came to New Orleans and brought the fight to Dave Rydell tonight, and he is leaving as the Cross-Hemisphere Champion!

Lieberjosch: Big moment for Ezra Wolf, but our biggest moment of the night is still to come!

Vinegar: The Keys to the Kingdom Match is next!

[UGWC Staff]

Covert Jay: It’s time for the Main Event!

Vinegar: Tonight is the culmination of a year’s worth of tournament winners, all competing to choose their own fate at UGWC’s flagship event, Horizons!

Lieberjosch: Debuting in 2021, the Keys to the Kingdom match pits the four Keyholders against one another to become the Keeper of the Keys!

Covert Jay: Let’s get to them!

The sound of a winding filmstrip can be heard as the arena is bathed in dim sepia light. A trumpet sounds accompanied by a spotlight emanating from the curtain. It backlights a man in a top hat, with a cane slung over his left shoulder. As a tinny voice begins to sing, the silhouetted figure moves along with the directions of the lyrics.

As you can see
I go back and forth
That's right
Side to side
Back and forth
Back and forth
Back and side to side

The music picks up some energy right as the spotlight switches to shine from the rafters, illuminating the grinning face of Montague Cervantes dressed in an elaborate jacket and a jauntily-cocked top hat. When the auto-tuned verse begins, "Listen to me, Listen to me" he starts making his way toward the ring, turning, flourishing, bowing, and two stepping along with the music.

Dennis: Please welcome your 2022 Global Challenge winner and holder of the Global Challenge Key; MONTAGGGGGGGGGUE CERRRRRRRRRRRRRVANTES!

Vinegar: Montague kicked off the year carrying the banner for the AstroCreeps along with Ragdoll, and the two of them dominated their respective fields of the Global Challenge.

Lieberjosch: Ragdoll went on to dominate as the Cross Hemisphere Champion while Montague climbed up to the top of the mountain and became the UGWC World Champion!

"Off Deez" by J.I.D. hits the P.A. system. Tony's standing at the entrance ramp, bobbing his head to the beat. Soon as the chorus finishes, the pyro goes off, and Tony's marching down the ramp to the ring. He stops ringside, starts counting a stack of cash then...

He just smirks, shrugs, and tosses the dough in the air like Lebron with the baby powder to fans ringside. He gives his warm-up jacket to a young fan, then hops in the ring and throws some shadow punches until it's time for the bell to ring.

Dennis: Please welcome your 2022 Outlast winner and holder of the Outlast Key; ANTHHHHHHHHONY K. SAVVVVVVVVAGE!

Vinegar: Monty and Tony nodding at each other with a measure of respect.

Lieberjosch: It was one year ago tonight when Tony defeated Montague, ending an historic Chaos Championship run for the Showman.

Covert Jay: And he has also been an impressive UGWC World Champion this year, again at the expense of Montague!

"God Hates a Coward" by Tomahawk begins as the air goes out of the arena. Tempest and the Creeps step out slowly and Tempest gazes around behind his mask and grease paint. They make their way down to the ring as the front man rips into the PA system.

I've sown my seeds with a metric grosse
No footsteps go beyond it
I'll eat the death where the rooster crows
Flesh rodeos, yee-haw, it's
Just to push in your teardrops
Make you a cyclops
Breakin' the branches off your family tree

Tempest rolls into the ring and crawls into the center, tilting his head as the music continues to consume him. His eyes roll back as he crawls towards the ropes and lays against the middle, hanging his head and gazing into the crowd.

Pointin' the gun
Put my head in a noose
But I'm hangin' tough

He grins and sings along with the chorus, his body convulsing as he reaches the end. Shaking furiously, he stands and points finger guns out into the fans, laughing as he falls to his knees in the center of the ring.

Day, my, day, my, day, my, day, my,
Day, my, day, my, day, my, day, my

He finally crawls to his respective corner and pulls himself back to his feet, glaring through his mask as the Creeps place themselves outside.

Dennis: Please welcome your 2022 Battleground winner and holder of the Battleground Key; TEMPPPPPPPPEST!

Vinegar: Burke is already ordering the Creeps to the back, he’s not going to deal with any more shenanigans than he has to tonight.

Lieberjosch: There are still two Creeps in the match, Nick, which is more than almost anyone can handle.

Vinegar: Regardless, Tempest is our third 2022 UGWC World Champion tonight, and is still the defending champion!

Covert Jay: Don’t forget, as the World Champion, if Tempest wins, he gets to choose his own opponent and match at Horizons!

"Mz Hyde" by Halestorm begins wailing over the PA system as the 'Jawdropper' steps out from behind the curtain, clad in her trademarked orange cropped tank top, baggy grey sweatpants and skater shoes. She's got a playful grin on her lips as she stops at the top of the ramp and motions out to the cheering crowd. Easily noticed is the full bottle of Jack Daniels she's holding in her right hand as she begins down the ramp, slapping the fans hands with her free hand along the way.

I can be the bitch,
I can play the whore,
Or your fairytale princess who could ask for more
A touch of wicked,
A pinch of risque,
Good girl gone bad, my poison is your remedy

As the lyrics continue, Johnson slides into the ring under the bottom rope and rises to her feet, moving into the nearest corner and jumping up onto the second turnbuckle. She motions to the crowd once more as she pops open the whiskey bottle, toasting the crowd before taking a swig! The crowd continues cheering as she jumps down and seals the bottle, dropping it in that very same corner before she begins circling the ring, awaiting the match to begin.

Dennis: Please welcome your 2022 Massive Melee winner and holder of the Massive Melee Key; KKKKKKKKYRA JOHHHHHHHHHHHNSON!

Vinegar: The Baltimore Elite have been nearly unstoppable this year!

Lieberjosch: After defeating Incendium at Infinity to become the UGWC Cooperative Champions, Kyra Johnson and Ken Davison held the titles for two hundred thirty one days!

Covert Jay: That’s the third longest reign in UGWC history!!

Vinegar: All reigns must come to an eventual end, but although they fell to Holden Orson and Phrixus Deimos at Massive Melee, Kyra went on to win the Massive Melee and earn the final key of the year!

Lieberjosch: Remind us of the rules of this match, Jay?

Covert Jay: Sure! There’s a safe up on the stage with four keyholes. Each competitor has a key around their neck, and they’ll be fighting to use them on the safe. The person who is able to turn the fourth and final key, opening the safe, will receive the contract inside for a match of their choice at Horizons!

Lieberjosch: Thanks for reminding us of the rule that all four keys are needed.

Vinegar: There’s the bell, here we go!

Lieberjosch: Tempest runs at Kyra!

Vinegar: Unsurprisingly, Monty runs at Tony!

Lieberjosch: Kyra drops and sweeps the legs from under Tempest!

Vinegar: Tony smashes Monty with a haymaker punch!

Lieberjosch: Kyra pulls Tempest into a crossface, and immediately starts trying to work the chain holding the key over his head!

Vinegar: Tempest retaliates by throwing his head back and busting Kyra in the mouth!

Covert Jay: We have blood already!

Lieberjosch: Tony is working Monty over with punches, driving him back into a corner.

Vinegar: He yanks him back out of the corner to hit The Spinebuster to End all Spinebusters!

Covert Jay: Tony slips the key over Monty’s head, and then drops out of the ring.

Vinegar: There’s a bit of strategizing here; do you go ahead and open some of the locks so you can get the safe open faster once you have the fourth key? Or do you gather all the keys first, then try to get all four locks open before an opponent can stop you?

Lieberjosch: Tony has selected his strategy, he’s going for the safe!

Vinegar: Tempest has noticed, and he abandons the bleeding Jawdropper to pursue.

Lieberjosch: Halfway up the ramp, Tempest hits Tony with a vicious back rake that sends him down to one knee.

Covert Jay: Fishboy Sculpture!

Vinegar: Tony is forced to drop the keys to prevent King Freak from tearing his jaws off!

Lieberjosch: Immediately, Tempest scrambles for the dropped keys, but the Master of the Heart Punch applies that same force between the shoulder blades of the Spider King, knocking him from his feet and the wind from his lungs.

Covert Jay: Where are the keys??

Vinegar: It looks like Tempest must have smacked them away as he went down, and Savage is now scanning either side of the ramp to find them.

Lieberjosch: Tempest hits a stomp into the back of Savage’s knee, causing him to bundle forward off the ramp and into the equipment!

Vinegar: He heads up to the stage and removes his own key, then uses it to turn one of the locks!!

Covert Jay: Look, back in the ring!

Vinegar: What the…?

Lieberjosch: Brilliant. Montague has somehow procured an oversized shepherd’s crook–the kind they use to pull bombing performers offstage in cartoons–and he’s standing on the ring apron behind Kyra, trying to finagle Kyra’s key from around her neck without her noticing!

Covert Jay: She noticed!

Vinegar: Kyra grabs the crook and yanks, slamming Monty against the ropes.

Lieberjosch: Undeterred, he leaps backward off the apron, using the ropes to lever the the hook up into her chin!

Vinegar: He smacked her hard enough for her head to fly back!

Covert Jay: Again!

Vinegar: Indeed, the moment Kyra was looking up at the rafters, Monty levered the crook again to fling her key up into the air and in an arc over the ropes, over his head, and into the crowd!

Covert Jay: Dunkin’!

Lieberjosch: Montague’s pet monkey sails down on a cringing cable and snatches the key out of midair!!

Vinegar: Dunkin’ lets go and swoops down to land on a ringpost, dutifully depositing the key into Monty’s outstretched hand!

Lieberjosch: With a bow to Kyra, he turns to saunter up the ramp–

Vinegar: -right into a Superman punch from Savage!!

Lieberjosch: Tony bends down to get the key, but Tempest hits him from behind with a double knee to the back!

Vinegar: He spills out at the ringside right next to Montague, who is getting back up.

Covert Jay: Safety mats!

Lieberjosch: The AstroCreeps are tearing up mats all around Tony, exposing the concrete floor.

Vinegar: Tempest heads up onto the apron, while Montague positions himself between Tony and Tempest.

Lieberjosch: He leaps over to Monty’s shoulders, then executes a 450 headbutt off Monty’s shoulders!!!

Covert Jay: They call that the Psychomachia!

Vinegar: Seems needlessly dangerous out there on the concrete…

Lieberjosch: The higher the risk, the higher the reward.

Vinegar: Tempest gestures toward the ramp, indicating to Monty where he slapped the other two. Monty holds up his own key and they start toward the ramp together.

Covert Jay: KYRA JOHNSON OFF THE ROPES WITH A STANDING HEIGHT BLACKOUT!!

Vinegar: I know I heard Montague’s neck and skull crack!

Lieberjosch: Tempest didn’t see! Tempest didn’t see!

Vinegar: The World Champ has sprinted up the ramp and dropped down to retrieve the keys before he notices what’s going on!

Lieberjosch: Kyra grabs the key back from Monty, then starts up the ramp as Tempest is getting to his feet.

Covert Jay: Shepherd’s Crook!!

Vinegar: Somehow, Montague has gotten hold of that crook again, and he whipped it around to yank Kyra off her feet and onto her rear.

Lieberjosch: Tempest inserts keys two and three, then finally turns to see his partner, grinning through a crimson mask, using the crook to pull himself across the floor toward Kyra.

Vinegar: Tempest starting down the ramp to assist, but Monty waves him off.

Lieberjosch: Tempest pausing, curious…

Vinegar: Kyra has had enough. She throws the crook down, then gets up and stomps down the ramp.

Covert Jay: Punt kick to Monty’s already busted head!

Vinegar: Before he can fully slump down, Kyra scoops him up, setting him up for Over It!

Lieberjosch: Look! While he’s locked into that reverse DDT, he’s raising one arm up and showing Kyra and the crowd that he swiped the key again!

Vinegar: How in the–

Covert Jay: Sleight of hand, Nick.

Lieberjosch: Kyra releases the hold and makes a grab for the key, but Montague hucks it backward, over his and Kyra’s heads, up toward the stage!

Vinegar: Tempest catches it!!

Lieberjosch: Kyra turns to dart up the ramp–

Vinegar: NO! Montague just threw himself at the security barrier and hit Lament for a Toy Factory!

Covert Jay: He just utterly flattened himself and Kyra!

Lieberjosch: With all of his opponents out on the floor, there’s nothing left but for Tempest to insert the final key!

Vinegar: He’s putting it in the lock, turning it, he opens it!

Dennis: Your winner, and the 2022 Keeper of the Keys, your UGWC World Champion, TEEEEEEMMMMMMMPPPPPPEEEEEEEESTTTTTT!!!

Liberjosch: An outstanding display by all four competitors!

Vinegar: What will happen as Tempest holds the crown jewel of UGWC’s biggest event of the year in the palm of his hands?!

Covert Jay: That’s all the time we have, join us in two weeks as he begin the road to Horizons!!

[UGWC Staff]

Credits

GFX
Mike

Chaos Championship
Dave

Cooperative Championship


JC vs Pierce
Cory

Cross-Hemisphere Championship
Steve

Keys to the Kingdom
B