Sentinel 31/05/09 Results

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: Ladies and Gentlemen…

Hanson: Perverts and virgins…

Vinegar: Boys and Girls…

Hanson: Social degenerates…

Vinegar: Welcome to GIW Sentinel! Coming to you live from the Porsche Arena in Stuttgart Germany. Nicholas Vinegar here with my broadcast partner Daniel Hanson to take you through all of the nights action and what action it promises to be.

Hanson: You may be overselling it a little there Nick. This is promising to be average at best.

Vinegar: Are you kidding? We’re going to see the fallout from the madness sewn by the Covenant last week as Raenius is in a triple threat match with both Komosube and Ezekiel. We’re going to see Number 1 contender Donovan Hastings take on the Dragon Alex Kiseragi and in our main event- Wait, are you wearing a wig?

Hanson: A wig? Me? No, no this is my natural blonde hair. What are you talking about Nick. You’re so crazy, he, hehe…

Vinegar: Your hairs brown, I can see bits sticking out under the edge.

Hanson: Oh Nick, you crack me up. Of course I’m blonde, just another great blonde hair blued eyed man in this great nation.

Vinegar: Blue eyed? But your eyes aren’t- Are you wearing coloured contacts?

Hanson: Dammit Nick, do you want us to get taken for a ‘shower’?

Vinegar: Oh for God’s sake Dan it’s 2009. Germany hasn’t been under Nazi rule for over sixty years and I don’t think anyone appreciates you bringing up the darkest time in both this nations and the worlds history.

Hanson: Ahaha, yeah I know! Those Jews hey?

The lights black out and we start to hear The Stroke.

Vinegar: Oh thank God.

A yellow spotlight falls on the top of the ramp and the Crimson Ghost walks out with his German flag and WWI Military helmet. There’s a brief pop from the crowd.

Hanson: Oh great we’re less than five minutes into the show and we’ve already got guys trying to score cheap fan support.

Vinegar: It’s what we’ve come to expect from the Crimson Ghost, making his first in-ring appearance since his brutal defeat at No Holds Barred.

Ghost starts dancing his way down to the ring, high fiving the occasional outstretched hand from the front row.

Dennis: It is time for your GIW Sentinel opening contest! Introducing first, from…somewhere. Weighing in at 224lbs! Der…wait what? Der? Der rot? The Crimsooooooon Ghoooost!!!

Crimson Ghost climbs up onto the apron, plants his flag into the corner and hops over the ropes. His music fades out and is replaced by Storm Front. The crowd seem largely indifferent to the flickering green and gold lights as JK starts making his way out to the ring.

Hanson: You know rumour has it JK spent the last week tied up in a dungeon with some guy with excessively dyed hair.

Vinegar: You can’t believe everything you hear.

Hanson: Go with it Nick, tied up fifteen year old boys in dungeons is the kind of stuff half our viewers get off on.

Dennis: And the opponent, from Australia! Weighing in at 229lbs, the Cyclone, JK!

JK does his usual posing on the way down to the ring, slides under the bottom rope and climbs to pose on the turnbuckle for a moment, then jumps back down.

Hanson: Sooner we get going, sooner we can finish. Let’s get this one underway.

Ding! Ding!

Hanson: Hey it worked.

Vinegar: Hopefully that’s not a taste of things to come. These two getting underway though. Crimson Ghost jabbing at JK as he tries to lock up.

Hanson: This isn’t a boxing match.

Vinegar: No but it does make a nice change to starting with a tie up every match. JK’s taking a couple of shots there but he’s making Crimson Ghost concede ground and he’s managed to back him up into a corner. Who’re you pulling for in this one then partner?

Hanson: I couldn’t possibly support anyone outside of the master race.

Vinegar: Oh please, look around. There’s barely an Aryan in this arena.

Hanson: Ah, I’m surrounded by the impure!

Vinegar: JK locks Ghost up in the corner and Hazel East has to step in to separate them. A cheap shot by Ghost almost catches JK on the jaw. He must have felt the breeze from that one. Ghost charges out and gets taken out with a drop toe hold.

Hanson: …

Vinegar: JK floats over and hit’s a low dropkick right into Crimson Ghost’s face. Ghost clutching his face and JK pulls him back up to his feet. Oh, eye gouge by Ghost blinds his young opponent. Goes to follow up, no! JK turns and drops him with a clothesline.

Hanson: …

Vinegar: JK running off the ropes. Elbow drop to the sternum and a cover.

1!

2!

Vinegar: No, kick out by Ghost. JK dragging him back up. Side belly to belly suplex, plants him and he’s headed to the top rope. Moonsault! Ghost rolls out of the way but JK lands on his feet. Ghost with a springboard cross body out of the corner. JK ducks it though and Ghost goes overhead. You’re being awful quiet partner.

Hanson: I’m just not sure this nations leaders would be happy about me commentating for this low grade crowd.

Vinegar: You were happily commentating for a crowd of perverts, virgins and social degenerates fifteen minutes ago.

Hanson: You shouldn’t talk about our loyal fan base that way Nick.

Vinegar: Those were your words.

Hanson: They were never.

Vinegar: Ok, not arguing this. Some of us have to keep up with the match. JK just punts Crimson Ghost in the ribs as he tries to get back to his feet. The fans didn’t like that much. CG pushes himself up though, Hurricanrana! No, JK holds him, Eye of the Storm!

Hanson: He’s headed up to the top rope.

Vinegar: Well observed. JK going high risk. The Cane Toad Splash connects! Pin.

1!

2!

3!

Ding! Ding!

Dennis: Here is your winner, JK!

The crowd cheer for the winner as Hazel East holds his arm up. JK drops out of the ring leaving Ghost still laid out on the mat.

Vinegar: Not a strong display by the Crimson Ghost, possibly not as healed up from his last match as we thought.

Hanson: That’s what you get for thinking you can move in on my Gabby.

Vinegar: Don’t you ever bore yourself with all the Gabby talk?

Hanson: Never. How could even suggest such a thing?

Vinegar: Who knows. Now, time for the stream to rebuffed.

Hanson: How do you know that?

Vinegar: I just needed to say something conclusive since we don’t have any ad breaks.

Hanson: Ah.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: For the last time, you’re not being judged by the leaders of a Fascist dictatorship.

Hanson: How do you know that? They could be covering it all up. They’re good at that kind of thing. They have secret organisations. That guy looks kinda shifty. I think he’s Gestapo.

Vinegar: Gestapo? Oh hell seriously? And I guess that guy in the brown shirt is S.A right?

Hanson: Where? Oh shit he is! Look at the size of him.

Vinegar: It’s just a guy I-

Hanson: Yeah I say kill them all. Long live the Fuhrer!

Vinegar: I have to apologise to anyone at home offended by my partners behaviour tonight.

Hanson: Here that? He’s a sympathiser! He’s the one you want.

Swagger Like Us starts to play and Michael Cappeli starts to swagger his way down to the ring.

Dennis: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Houston Texas, weighing in at 220lbs. The Nightmare, Michael Cappeliiiiiiii!!!

Vinegar: This youngster coming in confident after a big win last week against Chassie Fear and his opponent here again tonight.

Cappeli climbs into the ring and Bullet With Butterfly Wings takes over the speakers. Andy Savana starts making his way to the ring.

Hanson: Is Savana still going with this Milkman bit?

Vinegar: I haven’t heard anything to the contrary so I guess so.

Dennis: And the opponent, accompanied to the ring by some people who’s names I’ve forgotten. From Houston Texas, weighing in at 244 pounds, The Milkman, Andy Savanaaaa!!!

Hanson: Both from Houston? Geez why don’t we all just marry our cousins now?

Savana makes his way to the ring, followed as before by the milk maid woman and the other guy. He climbs into the ring and goes up the turnbuckle, chugging a carton of milk in his hand, spilling half of it over himself.

Hanson: Let’s get started!

Ding! Ding!

Hanson: Wow, Nick it happened again!

Vinegar: Well if you will say things before they’re inevitably going to happen anyway it will.

Hanson: Bah, whatever, that bell could have gone any time.

Vinegar: These two are ready to go. They lock up in the middle of the ring.

Hanson: Knew it wouldn’t last.

Vinegar: Savana wins out and gets the arm wringer. Unorthodox escape by Cappeli though who simply bends his arm in and should blocks him to the mat. The Nightmare running off the ropes, Savana throws himself at his feet. Step over and Savana with a shoulder block of his own.

Hanson: What I’d expect from a pair of Houston inbreeds. It’s like watching a pair of stags head butt each other.

Vinegar: Savana running and Michael jumps to his feet to hit a dropkick as Savana rebounds. He follows up putting the boot into him and driving him into the corner. Big hip strikes and Cappeli backing up. A big running knee and Savana able to scramble away from it. Hey didn’t a certain prolific German leader love stags?

Hanson: Heil stags!

Vinegar: I was lying but good to see where your mind is.

Hanson: Get him Hans!

Vinegar: …

Hanson: …

Vinegar: Who’s Hans?

Hanson: I was hoping it was that S.A. guy. Figured it was worth a shot.
Vinegar: He’s not the damn S.A., he’s just wearing a brown t-shirt.

Hanson: He’s off duty.

Vinegar: And they don’t exist anymore!

Hanson: You don’t know that.

Vinegar: Geez, I lost track of where this match is. Oh yeah Savana escaped Cappeli’s running knee and backed him up in the corner before opening up with some knife edge chops. Irish whip across to the opposite corner and Savana connects with a clothesline. Fall away slam into the middle of the ring.

Hanson: Nick, Hans keeps looking at me.

Vinegar: That’s probably because you keep talking about him. Savana goes for the cover but only gets a two count. Dragging Cappeli back up, hits him with a scoop slam and the Milkman is heading to the top rope.

Hanson: How would he know I’m talking about him? Unless his name actually is Hans.

Vinegar: He probably just speaks English and is getting offended at your suggestion that he’s part of a Nazi regime.

Hanson: Ahahaha, how could anyone be offended at fulfilling their life’s dream? Ahaha, hah, hehe, he.

Vinegar: Top rope leg drop gets nothing but mat. Cappeli slowly getting his senses back. Back to his feet and a stiff kick to Savana’s chest. Drops down and puts the closed fists to his head. Owen Peterson gives him a four count then has to separate them.

Hanson: I don’t think I can concentrate under all this pressure.

Vinegar: Cappeli gets back and puts in a dragon sleeper as Savana tries to get to his feet. Could be over here.

Hanson: Are you even listening to me?

Vinegar: Yeah, pressure, got it. Savana reaches the ropes and The Nightmare has to break his hold. Drags Savana back to his feet, Irish whip and an overhead belly to belly suplex on the rebound.

Hanson: So, what should I do?

Vinegar: Stop acting like you’re being watched by murderous Fascists that don’t exist. Capelli picks Savana up, Okalahoma slam into the centre of the ring. Pin attempt.

1!

2!

Vinegar: Only a two count. Michael Cappeli looks frustrated there. He’s got Savana back up, he’s signalling to end this. Cappatalized!!! That would do it. Cover.

1!

2!

3!

Dennis: Here is your winner, Michael Cappeliiiiiiiiiii!!!

Hanson: I don’t think I can do that Nick. I can feel their eyes all over me.

Vinegar. Oh knock it off and take off that damn wig.

Vinegar snatches the wig off Hanson’s head causing him to try to cover his head with his arms.

Hanson: Nick, what have you done? That was the only thing keeping us alive!

Vinegar: We’re still alive now aren’t we?

Hanson: Well…yeah.

Vinegar: Then shut the hell up, and take those damn contact lenses out too. You need to be normal again by the beginning of the next match to avoid continuity errors.

Hanson: Huh? That makes no sense.

Vinegar: Doesn’t it?

Hanson: Ooooh…no.

Vinegar: It will do. Next up we’re going to see Osiris and Serapis take on Dirge and Chassie Fear of the Covenant. Don’t touch that mouse.

Hanson: Or if you do, do it in another tab.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Spoon. "I Turn My Camera On." Moss Edwards on the entrance, being trailed by an older man in a leather bomber jacket holding a camera. He lifts the GIW.Com Belt above his head to a huge pop then the two of them march down to the ring.

Hanson: Who the crap is that old man?

Vinegar: Hard to say, remember that two weeks ago Moss Edwards enlisted Russel Crowe as a bodyguard for the evening.

Hanson: That guy is not going to guard anyone's body, it'd be bad for his hip.

Moss: Target demographic, wilkommen! Furiously masturbating masses of the internet, hello! Right click, save as, Moss Edwards is still champion.exe! And my victory lap here in Germany is being documented by one of my great heroes, the award-winning and highly-acclaimed filmmaker Werner Herzog!

The grumpy looking German man acknowledges the cheers of the crowd.

Moss: Now usually here on HeadShots, we get to know a little bit more about what's going on with our GIW Superstars, but tonight, we are doing something much more important. Today, we are like two middle-aged special effects gurus, we are busting myths! My awesome prowess at defending this Global InterWeb Belt has earned me a spot in this evening's main event, and the platonic adoration of the GIW.Com FanBoards. But there are still those who doubt what this belt represents. They are enemies. So I would like to bring out an enemy. Perhaps the greatest enemy! Not just of this belt...but of the world.

"Du Hast" plays over the loudspeakers.

Hanson: So, it's Boss P? He's the greatest enemy of my world.

Vinegar: I don't think that's Boss P. Wait, is that....

Hanson: Hitler?

Indeed, a sweaty man with a tiny moustache, bad combover, and SS uniform marches out down the ramp to huge heat. He has something shiny strapped around his waist.

Moss: I know! Doesn't he just make you sick?

Hitler: XXX

Moss: I'm not entirely sure what he's saying, but I think it's angry and hateful.

Hitler: Nationales sozialistisches Deutschland wünscht Frieden wegen seiner grundlegenden Überzeugungen. Und es wünscht Frieden auch infolge von der Realisierung der einfachen ursprünglichen Tatsache, dass kein Krieg wahrscheinlich im Wesentlichen sein würde, die Bedrängnis in Europa zu ändern… Der Haupteffekt jedes Krieges ist, die Blume der Nation zu zerstören… Deutschland benötigt Frieden und wünscht Frieden! Wer auch immer beleuchtet die Fackel des Krieges in Europa kann für nichts aber Chaos wünschen. Wir jedoch Phasen in der festen Überzeugung unsere Zeiten sehen nicht die Abnahme aber die Renaissance des Westens. Es ist unsere stolze Hoffnung und unser unerschütterlicher Glaube Deutschland kann einen unvergänglichen Beitrag zu dieser großen Arbeit bilden!

Moss: Alright, now...

Hitler: Kampf ist der Vater aller Sachen! Er ist nicht durch die Grundregeln von Menschlichkeit, die Mann zu konservieren selbst über der Tierwelt lebt oder ist, aber nur mittels des gröbten Kampfes. Wenn Sie nicht kämpfen, wird das Leben nie gewonnen!

Moss: Okay, you made your point.

Hitler: Wenn der Krieg verloren ist, kommt die Nation auch um. Dieses Schicksal ist unvermeidlich. Es gibt keine Notwendigkeit, zum in Erwägung der Basis zu ziehen, die die Leute benötigen, um ein ursprünglichstes Bestehen fortzusetzen. Im Gegenteil ist es besser, Sachen selbst zu zerstören, weil diese Nation das schwächere gewesen ist und die Zukunft nur der stärkeren...

Moss gestures with a cutting motion and Hitler's mic cuts out, but he continues yelling.

Moss: Better. Now, what is that around Adolf's waist? Why, it appears to be the old GIW Women's Title Belt. But, I heard they just repainted it and made it the Dot Com belt. But clearly, I am holding my beloved title right here in my hands, so someone has been misinformed. And as we have learned from history, when somebody acts on misinformation, horrible things happen.

Just like there are still people who think that Germany is full of big fat fucking Nazis. Germany, are you a bunch of big fat fucking Nazis?

Crowd: FUCK NO!

Moss: Do you guys like Hitler giving you all a bad name?

Crowd: FUCK NO!

Moss: Are you ready to erase this stain from history?

Crowd: FUCK YEAH!

Moss: Now, some of you may already be aware of this, but Werner Herzog is not only highly acclaimed, beloved, influential, and award winning, he is also one tough son of a bitch. Like somebody else that I am too modest to mention. Mr Herzog, would you like to, on behalf of the entire German nation, help me eject this lie from the world forever?

Moss nods expectantly at the old German man, then recoils in shock as Werner pulls out a revolver and shoots Hitler in the gut. Das Fuhrer falls onto the mat.

Moss: I just wanted you to hit him, like maybe with the camera?

Werner: It is not a significant wound. He will live.

Moss shrugs and knocks the dictator underneath the ropes to the floor. He holds up Herzog's hand to a huge ovation.

Vinegar: Well...that was different.

Hanson: Do you feel that? In the air?

Vinegar: What?

Hanson: That's the wind of change. Let the healing begin.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Mitchell: The following tag team contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, representing the Covenant, DIRGE! And CHASSIIIIIIE FEEEAR!

"Secrets of the Dead" brings on intense heat, but small pockets of the crowd appear to be shouting support for Chassie. Dirge obviously couldn't care less either way.

Vinegar: Dirge of course holds onto one half of the tag team titles with the third member of the Covenant, The Resident Evil Raenius. But tonight is more about honor than the belts.

Hanson: You hear words like that tossed around a lot within the Covenant, honor and respect and loyalty. You may not always agree with their methods, but they've made it clear the lengths that they go for each other.

Vinegar: Indeed, this match tonight has been spurred on by Osiris's insistence to learn more about the disappearance of GIW talent, and Covenant member, Micky Dragon.

Mitchell: And their opponents, SERAPIIIIS and OSIIIIRIIIS!

Hanson: These guys need to come up with a name if they expect to be taken seriously as a tag team.

Osiris and Serapis come out onto the ramp to the tune of Nile. Serapis goes through his prematch ritual, while Osiris shrugs him off and walks down the ramp.

Vinegar: You know, all of these people, they really seem to be leading double lives. Dirge has his corporate activities, Chassie has her family life, Osiris has been known to be some sort of activist outside of the ring, and Serapis has his past as a Triad gangster.

Hanson: I know, it's enough to drive you…crazy. RRRRAA

Evil Hanson: AAARGH!

Vinegar: You alright, Daniel?

Hanson: Never better.

Evil Hanson: Now that I've freed my second self.

Vinegar: I'm happy for you.

Evil Hanson: You're happy for onion rings.

Vinegar: Alright, looks like it will be the smaller member of each team starting things off. Both Serapis and Chassie tend to use quick strikes and aerial techniques, so this should be a dynamic way to start off this tag team contest.

Hanson: Serapis actually tends towards the Oriental style of puroreso, while Chassie has a much more westernized style.

Evil Hanson: The advantage being that he can't see her coming with those slant eyes.

Vinegar: Didn't get that out of your system at No Holds Barred, huh? Chassie reaching for The New God to start off the match, he catches her arm and brings down an elbow smash, two elbows onto the arm followed by another back into the face, driving the Dark Rose backwards.

Evil Hanson: If you slam enough force into the nose, you can push a bone up into the brain. The ultimate KO!

Vinegar: Now Serapis comes in with a clothesline, Fear ducks and drives a knee into his gut on the turnaround.

Hanson: That's always a good way to turn the momentum into your favor, taking the wind out of your opponent.

Evil Hanson: A better way is to knee them in the janglies!

Vinegar: Step up enziguri! Chassie Fear kicking Serapis, but to the Young God's credit he stays on his feet. At least until Chassie Fear hits that bulldog facebuster! Both to their feet, Chassie laying into Serapis with some hard chops, driving him into a neutral corner.

Hanson: It's important to establish dominance early on.

Evil Hanson: True in matches and in relationships. Handcuffs by second date, gimp mask by date four. Very important.

Vinegar: Irish whip across the ring, Fear following right behind.

Evil Hanson: Look at young grasshopper hop!

Vinegar: Serapis trying to backflip over The Dark Rose, she catches him in midair with the Pele Kick! Now going to pick him back up, but Serapis reverses her into an armbar.

Hanson: See how he drives the knee into the shoulder for leverage, it gives him a pivot to bend the arm against.

Evil Hanson: Snap that off like a wishbone!

Vinegar: Big boot out of nowhere! Dirge breaking up the hold and casually retreating back to his corner.

Evil Hanson: I'll bet if he took a big enough running start he could knock that gook's head clean off!

Vinegar: Swinging neckbreaker from The Dark Rose, and she follows it up with some hard stomp, really putting the boots to Serapis now.

Hanson: And she takes him into the corner to make the tag, keeping him isolated and it looks like they have some old school double team action in mind.

Vinegar: Indeed, Chassie's climbing the turnbuckle.

Evil Hanson: She can climb my turnbuckle any day. Hell, her daughter can too.

Hanson: Once she reaches age of consent of course.

Evil Hanson: Which here in Europe is like what, seven?

Vinegar: Dirge with a side backbreaker, and Chassie with a gullotine legdrop! Great cohesion from The Covenant, even without Raenius. And Osiris can't do anything but shout encouragement from his side.

Evil Hanson: Dirge finding a use for those nappy hippy dreadlocks, lifting ChinkoMan off the mat. He'll have to wash his hands after that, those things are held together by snot and rat shit.

Vinegar: Devastating lariat nearly decapitates Serapis!

Hanson: Dirge of course enjoys inflicting as much pain as possible, so I would not expect him to be going for a pinfall any time soon.

Evil Hanson: The way he's stomping on his head, that won't be an issue. Hope the front row brought a tarp!

Vinegar: Picking the young man up and whipping him into the ropes, Yakuza Kick! Dirge again with that huge foot right into the face of Serapis! Now he lifts him into a powerbomb position, charging back to his corner, he impales Serapis on the top of the post!

Hanson: Serapis definitely enjoys going up to the top turnbuckle, but I doubt he likes having it shoved up into his spine like that.

Evil Hanson: Yeah, he's more used to getting the pole up his anus.

Vinegar: Tag to Chassie. Dirge holding onto Serapis by the legs, Chassie standing on the second rope. She leaps to the floor, driving an elbow into the windpipe of Serapis on the way down! And the back of his head snaps back against the post!

Hanson: Again, continuity and teamwork well on display from The Covenant tonight.

Vinegar: Dirge drags Serapis up onto his shoulder, another double team manuever coming up. But the Young God is slung over him like a bag of laundry, this is just punishment.

Evil Hanson: This is proving a point, how can these two Egypt-loving fucktards hope to win the tag titles if they can't even hang with this lesser form of The Covenant?

Vinegar: Well, don't forget that these two did score an upset over Dirge and Raenius before the pay per view so don't count them out yet. Chassie off the top rope, Rocket Knee to the side of the head! The lifeless form of Serapis tumbles to the mat. Chassie with the cover, 1 2...what?

Hanson: Dirge just grabbed the referee's hand, this was easily over.

Evil Hanson: Because this isn't over. The message has not yet been fully delivered.

Vinegar: Osiris trying to come into the ring, but Dirge instructs the referee to keep him out. While the referee struggles to get rid of The AntiSocial AllStar, Dirge rains down stiff right hands to the temple of Serapis.

Evil Hanson: YES! Let the blood flow!

Vinegar: Dirge climbs back onto the apron, and tells The Dark Rose to have some fun. Serapis is busted open on the mat. She's dragging him to the neutral corner again, setting him up on top. Could be going for a Twilight, a Super Twilight in fact.

Hanson: Bet Jake the Snake never thought of that.

Vinegar: WHOA! Serapis held tight to the top rope, managing to land on his feet while Chassie Fear hits her back on the mat. She gets back up, Serapis with the head scissor take down!

Evil Hanson: They should have killed him when he had the chance!

Vinegar: Busted and bloody, Serapis makes the tag! Osiris charging in, clotheslining Chassie into the corner! And a Death Valley Driver out of the corner!

Hanson: Behold the power of the hot tag!

Vinegar: Chassie quick to bounce back up, Codebreaker from out of nowhere!

Evil Hanson: Hot tag FAIL.

Vinegar: No, Osiris is staggered but not down. Fear going for the enziguri, Osiris reaches across to catch the foot! Chassie gets a face full of canvas. Picking her back up, there's a reverse vertical suplex! Now it's Osiris trying to get a message across.

Evil Hanson: That message is I am a cowardly woman beater.

Vinegar: Now Osiris again is picking Chassie off the mat, but Dirge takes the opportunity to rush back into the ring. Spine Breaker!

Hanson: He saw his teammate in trouble and he stepped in to lend her a hand. Why didn't Osiris step in when HIS partner was being manhandled?

Vinegar: Well, Serapis is taking that to heart, he just leaped back into the ring and delivered a dropkick to the Momentum Killer! Dirge back to his feet, another dropkick! To his knees, a low dropkick!

Hanson: Each of those kicks had great form, you have to admit.

Evil Hanson: All I admit is that Chinko needs to learn a new move!

Vinegar: You're going to get your wish, because Serapis is climbing up top, could be a Shooting Star Press!

Hanson: He took his eyes off of Fear though.

Evil Hanson: Homo.

Vinegar: Chassie Fear meeting him on the top turnbuckle, TWILIGHT! Serapis drilled into the mat by that high impact DDT! Now Dirge is telling Chassie something, and gesturing at Osiris.
Evil Hanson: Time to die, fagboys!

Vinegar: Dirge with a frightening show of strength, lifting up Osiris just by the legs! And the Dark Rose leaps up for another DDT, CANNIBAL ROAD! Chassie with the cover, 1 2 3!

Mitchell: Your winners, Dirge and Chassie Fear, the COOOOVENAAAANT!

Vinegar: That smirk on Dirge's face says it all, as the Covenant leaves their opponents laid out on the mat. The warning has been given.

Hanson: Or it may turn out to be a wake up call, they may have lit a fire under the challengers' asses.

Vinegar: Anything else to add about this match?

Hanson: Nope. Wait…nope. The Covenant has left the ring, my dark side has subsided.

Vinegar: You know, your Dark Side really just said the same things you usually did but in a growly nu-metal voice.

Hanson: Let the bodies hit the floor!

Vinegar: I'm sure we'll see plenty of bodies hit the floor tonight, because we have much more action just around the corner!

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Hanson: Hobos and Batman villains. Really!? Stupid bird.

Vinegar: Huh?

Hanson: The next match is between a hobo and a botched science project from a comic book right?

Vinegar: I don’t Bane is from a comic book.

Hanson: Wasn’t there a Darth Bane in one of the Star Wars games?

Vinegar: I don’t think he’s a video game character either, and I’m quite looking forward to this debut.

Hanson: Yeah well at least I know a hobo when I see one. Fucking dregs of society. We should have like a camp or poor house we could send them to out in the middle of nowhere. Like a forest of cardboard boxes.

Vinegar: Let’s send it to Dennis.

Dennis: Kiddy porn lovers and animal porn lovers! The next match is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first standing six foot, 210 pounds, this is Bane!

’10 Signs You Should Leave’ by Emmure begins to play over the speakers for the silent German crowd. After a few seconds it’s clear that there will be no flashy lights, no confident walk through the curtains, and no ignoring the crowd before getting in the ring and fighting because that’s all he wants to do… if he were here. The song keeps playing to a hushed house.

Hanson: You know what I never understood.

Vinegar: Socks then shoes?

Hanson: YO MOMMA then a shower! No. Why’d they give Batman and Robin nipples, but not Batgirl? That movie would have been less horrible if only for a shot of Batgirls nipples.

Vinegar: Speaking of horrible where the hell is this Bane guy? I thought he’d really be ready with all the moves I’ve heard he can do.

Hanson: It’s like we got one good shot of her ass in latex, but where were the nips? Or some camel toe!

Vinegar: These German fans are going to revolt if they don’t get some action, and soon.

Hanson: You know something to show she’s ready for action! Some blood flowing and adrenaline rushing. It’s a fact danger gets bitches horny.

Vinegar: Damnit they should let me screen the talent. I bet I’d be a good head of talent acquisition.

Hanson: I mean hell I could have designed a better costume, and people would have lined up to see it.

Vinegar: Keep out the…

Hanson: Highlight the…

Vinegar/Hanson: Pussies.

Dennis: And I guess his would be opponent. From the soup kitchen! This is Peter Damascus!

‘Mask Of Sanity’ by Children of Bodom smashes into play, as Peter Damascus enters the arena. He’s all business as he marches down the ramp dragging behind him a beaten and bloody heap of an unnamed man behind him. He rolls the nearly dead hump into the ring before he slides into the ring, not even taking the time to scowl at the smarks hurling abuse at him.

Vinegar: Oh there he is. I guess he couldn’t make it a full week.

Hanson: Yeah Batgirl nipples would have been better. Hell at this point movie Bane would have been better. At least he actually showed up.

Vinegar: Hazel East calls for the bell, and Damascus wastes no time locking in the Empty Abyss!

Hanson: Fitting name for this guys future huh?

Vinegar: And there’s the bell! Jackass is completely out of it. Some mercy from East tonight, and ends this match.

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner by Hazel having more heart than some people deserve. Peter Damascus!

Vinegar: Wait what’s Damascus doing? He’s under the ring.

Hanson: He’s a hobo! He’s probably look for cans to recycle.

Vinegar: No he’s got a fire poker. What the fuck is a fire poker under the ring?

Back in the ring Damascus sadistically and euphorically begins wailing away on Banes janglies with that fire poker with a move he likes to call the Sentient Smasher.

Hanson: Why do I have to sit here next to you every damn week, and forced to take part in a multiple personality like discussions?

Vinegar: Multiple personality?

Hanson: Don’t worry about it. We’ll forget before the next match.

Vinegar: You saw someone else say that a few weeks ago huh?

Hanson: Yeah wanna guess who?

Vinegar: No, not really, but I bet you I could!

Hanson: You got like a one in five chance, so I’ll give you four guesses? Loser has to tell that smelly hobo to get out of the Lord Chief Nigga’s ring?

Vinegar: I could never do that to you.

Hanson: Ah, you do care!?! I love you too! NO HOMO!

Vinegar: No, I just don’t want to hear you crying about your balls getting pulverized. Brings bad images.

Hanson: You think about my balls?

Vinegar: Thank god we’ll forget this in a few more lines.

Hanson: Yeah I think we got over the fact that no one really cares that Bane just had his… well Bane in general. Fucking no shows.

Vinegar: You know about now we’d just go to commercial and come back like nothing ever happened. We can’t do that on line though right?

Hanson: Oh not true… kinda. I’ve got a program on my laptop that searches out and displays all kinds of photoshop threads from various message boards. I bet I can lag the feed if you gotta go pee.

Vinegar: Start that mother fucker up then!

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: Are we back?

Hanson: Hold on, I found a good one called ‘what is hobo smashing’. Look this one is MJ, and this one is Boss P, and this one is the most flamboyant picture of Marlo ever, and this one is Batista…

Vinegar: Who?

Hanson: Never mind. Fuck this shit! Da one true Lord Chief Nigga-don is next!

Vinegar: Oh, well then we should…

Hanson: Shut the fuck up so Mitchell can do his job!

Dennis: ‘Bout time. Myspace whores and fanboys alike, the following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first standing six foot one inch, weighting in at 198 pounds, this is Alex ‘The Dragon’ Kiseragi!

Juno Reactor – Teahouse begins over the speakers to a mixed reaction as Alex walks to the top of the ramp and begins well timed pyro assisted kicks.

Hanson: Oi, this war is gonna kill me.

Vinegar: So you admit there’s a conflict brewing?

Hanson: Oh yeah. And it’s going to be epic!

Vinegar: What changed your mind?

Hanson: Huh? I always knew Lord Chief versus the Blessed One was going to be one for the ages.

Vinegar: No, that the title match, the power struggle MJ and Boss P are locked in.

Hanson: Neither of them have any power. The only real power in the GIW is da Nigga-don!

Vinegar: Or Roberts.

Hanson: Yeah!

Vinegar: Who seem to have aligned with Boss P and MJ respectively.

Hanson: NO! It’s all rumor and hearsay!

Alex walks down to the ring slapping the few outstretched hands who still haven’t lost faith in the Dragon, he hurries his last few steps, and jumps through the first and second ropes before springing back to his feet.

Hanson: Still on the plus side. Last week Kiseragi pinned FoolZ, so even if, and it’s a big if, there was some kinda tension, it’ll have it’s silver lining.

Vinegar: Even if Alex had to face Roberts?

Hanson: Especially if Alex got beat up again by Travis.

Vinegar: How about if BoolZ faced Hastings?

Hanson: I would love to see that caffeine’d junky losing the inevitable finish.

Vinegar: How about if it was Roberts versus Hastings?

Hanson: NO IT CAN’T HAPPEN!

Vinegar: Mexico City folks! Call your travel agent!

Dennis: And his opponent standing six foot two inches, weighting in at 230 pounds, he is the Lord of Pain, Donovan Hastings!

Hanson: No proper?

Vinegar: Guess not.

‘Immortal’ by Adema rings out as Hastings steps from the curtain wearing his German cloak. As he turns with his arms outstretched we get a full glimpse of the embossed David Hasselhoff portrait on the back which brings to the German fans to their feet as Hastings slowly strolls to the ring.

Hanson: Screw it. This kind of reaction is what’s proper for Donovan! ‘Bout time.

Vinegar: Are they cheering him or the free advertising for Baywatch?

Hanson: Shut up.

Back in the ring Alex is done posing on the top rope and back flips off *CLANK*

Vinegar: MY GOD WHERE’D BOOLZ COME FROM?!

Hanson: Somewhere where they had a chair obviously. Probably told him to keep it. I know I wouldn’t want to sit anywhere BoolZ has been.

Vinegar: I think Kiseragi’s out cold, and Peterson doesn’t know what to do.

Hanson: HA, only because Hastings isn’t in the ring yet, so he can be declared the winner.

Vinegar: Declared the winner!?! He should be disqualified!

Hanson: BLASPHAMY!

Vinegar: BoolZ propping up Alex in the corner, and rolling out the ring.

Hanson: HA, isn’t that what Dredd did to him last week?

Vinegar: It is, and now Hastings is in the ring, and he toss Kiseragi to the mat, and locks in the Hands of Fate!

Hanson: What is that whore doing on the ramp.

Vinegar: Peterson asking Kiseragi who’s slowly coming to, and now BoolZ at ringside and MJ on the ramp lock eyes.

Hanson: She’s gonna turn him to stone!

Vinegar: Kiseragi refusing to submit, he’s struggling to the ropes…

*CLANK*

Hanson: Motherfucker Red Bull Junkie just slammed that chair into the Hastings now!

Vinegar: And Peterson calling for the bell as BoolZ takes another shot with that chair at Kiseragi!

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen here is your winner, by disqualification, The Lord-Chief DONOVAN HASTINGS!

Hanson: C’mon Owen get Hastings out of the ring!

Vinegar: BoolZ leaves the ring, and is heading back up the entrance ramp, as Kiseragi looks on. He’s fuming!

Hanson: This actually might get pretty good. Maybe those two will almost kill each other again.

Vinegar: Yeah, BoolZ with MJ and Travis. Alex with Boss P and Hastings.

Hanson: FUCK! WHY ME CRUEL CRUEL WORLD!?!

BoolZ passes MJ on the ramp and we can see him mouth ‘There. Hastings didn’t hurt your Dragon at all.’ Back in the ring Peterson helps Hastings to his feet and he locks eyes with a somewhat confused Kiseragi.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: Folks, let me take this opportunity to thank you for supporting us during this troubled time in our company's history.

Hanson: If you REALLY want to help out, you can buy some DVDs, some shirts, some toys, hell just send us money for no good reason.

Mitchell: Hey, Hanson, if you're done begging for spare change, it's time for a triple threat contest, scheduled for one fall!

Hanson: How come he always hears what I say over here?

Mitchell: You're a loud ass son of a bitch. Introducing first, E Honda!

Komosube comes down the ramp to his song.

Mitchell: Next to the ring, Buckethead!

Raenius stalks his way down the ramp to his song. He's wearing a tshirt.

Mitchell: Finally to the ring, Vee!

The song collage and Ezekiel walks down to the ring followed by his girlfriend.

Hanson: Those were some strange entrances.

Vinegar: Well, remember that when one has to write matches on a computer without internet then upload them through the use of the miraculous device called a FlashDrive, he can't always double check on things like body weight and hometown and song titles.

Hanson: Couldn't he then fill that in when he was uploading it?

Vinegar: Yes, but then he couldn't milk the situation for metacomedy.

Hanson: Man, we live in a wierd ass world. It's enough to drive a man....insane.

Vinegar: There's the bell, and Ezek13l explodes out of his corner, tackling Raenius and pummeling him with rights and lefts. Komosube throws him off, then mounts Raenius for his own flurry.

Hanson:........

Vinegar: Iron Man knocking Komosube off with a Ghetto Blaster dropkick. Then he grabs The Resident Evil by the hair and repeatedly drives that forearm into his face. Komosube pulling him off, and levels him with a headbutt!

Hanson:.............

Vinegar: Um, now Komosube drags Raenius into the corner and lays into him with another flurry of palm strikes. Both of these men want to punish Raenius for his actions last week, but they can't agree on how. Now The High Flyer leaps onto Komosube's back and pushes off the ropes, Diving Reverse DDT! Wow, they went down hard.

Hanson:......

Vinegar: They went DOWN...HARD.

Hanson:......

Vinegar: Zeke, he...Zeke jumps onto the second rope, and looks like he's waiting for Komosube to stir again. The Japanese Powerhouse up onto his knee. Ezekiel bulldogging Raenius out of the corner, slamming his head into Komosube's! That was a headbutt, doggy style!

Hanson:.....

Vinegar: Doggy style.

Hanson:.........

Vinegar: Now Ezekiel up on the turnbuckle, both of the bigger men to their feet. Zeke going for a moonsault, both men catch him, double team Snake Eyes! Now Raenius with a right hand, but it's shrugged off. And The Resident Evil is shoved to the mat. He is laid out flat, like my momma.

Hanson:.....

Vinegar: Dropping that big knee down into Raenius now, once twice thrice! Now The Red Eyed Wonder swings around Komosube's back and lands a knee into the big man's face. Splat, right in the face.

Hanson:............

Vinegar: The Powerhouse staggered, Ezekiel rebounds off the ropes and nails that Decapitation Kick! Alright, what the hell is going on Daniel?

Hanson:.....I am not Daniel.

Vinegar: Oh really? Then what are you?

Hanson:......I am the Spawn of Cthulu. I am the Darkness Incarnate. I am the Root of Sin.

Vinegar: That's nice. Zeke picks up Raenius just to put him back down with the Fore-Nado.

Hanson: I am the Bull God! I am the Walrus! I am what I am and that's all that I am!

Vinegar: Komosube with a charging palm strike! Ezekiel turned inside out from that blow!

Hanson: FROM NOW ON, MY FLESHY CAGE ONLY CONTAINS EVIL HANSON!

Vinegar: Hope he takes better care of it. Komosube placing Raenius in the corner, AVALANCHE! The Resident Evil flattened.

Hanson: Like a motherfucking pancake. Eat that bitch up, fatboy!

Vinegar: Ezekiel running into the corner now to grab Komosube's arm, and pulls it over the top rope. An upside-down Fujiwara Armbar! Ezekiel is letting gravity and his own body weight cause stress to that limb!

Hanson: Rip that shit up!

Vinegar: Komosube trying to pull Ezekiel back up, but he can't quite get ahold of him. Raenius with a surge of strength from behind! He lifts Komosube over the rope! Komosube lands on Ezekiel.

Hanson: HAHA! Squash him like a muthafuckin' bug!

Vinegar: So, Evil Hanson is just like regular Hanson, but he curses more and doesn't make sex jokes?

Hanson: I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER!

Vinegar: Yeah, it's just not the same. Raenius rolls out and slams Komosube's head repeatedly into the ring steps! Now setting him up for...RIPPERSNAPPER INTO THE STEEL!!! Ezekiel back up, he's going for that facebuster manuever, The Sequel. But Raenius quick to grab that leg and he slams The Red Eyed Wonder down into an inverted cloverleaf! Little known fact, this painful hold was actually innovated by the late brother of WWE superstar Charlie Haas.

Hanson: YOUR FACTOIDS BORE EVIL HANSON! HERE WE ARE NOW, ENTERTAIN US!

Vinegar: Aaaand my broadcast partner just started a small fire on our desk. Which has attracted the attention of Raenius, allowing Ezekiel to kick his way out of the hold. Luckily, ever since that fireball incident, I've been hiding a small fire extinguisher under the desk!

Hanson: What the fuck are you looking at mask boy? You're not even schizo anymore!

Vinegar: Quick note that schizophrenia and multiple personality disorders are indeed seperate conditions. Zeke takes the opportunity to hop onto the apron, and hops off into a hurracarana! Now he's pulling something from under the ring...a short ladder? He's setting it across the apron and the barricade. He charges forward and uses his momentum to swing underneath and nails Komosube with a big kick! And Zeke standing on top of the ladder now, Suicide Tope! Iron Man and Komosube tumble into the crowd!

Hanson: YES! Punch out all the fans! We have nothing to lose now!

Vinegar: Zeke hopping up onto the barricade, High Beam to Raenius! The back of his head smacked against the ladder! Now he's rolling him into the ring, this match could be over!

Hanson: NO, rip that fucking mask off, break him down, this match can't be over yet!

Vinegar: The High Flyer is up on the turnbuckle, letting Raenius get to his feet, leaping off, FULL FRONTAL! Raenius catches Zeke in mid air with that move! Cover, 1 2 3!

Mitchell: Here is your winner, The Resident Evil, RAENIIIIIIIUUUS!!

Hanson: Yes! That's what I'm talking about!

Vinegar: Raenius continuing to rain punches down onto Ezekiel's face, lefts and rights, stiff blows. Is this necessary?

Hanson: Of course it is! Finish him!

Vinegar: Raenius backing up, signaling for another Full Frontal, he runs right into a knee from Ezekiel.

Hanson: NO, he can't kill you if you keep kneeing him in the face!

Vinegar: Ezekiel going to bounce off the ropes, Dirge has come out of the crowd! He trips Zeke!

Hanson: Now THIS man knows how to kill a nigga!

Raenius lifts Ezekiel knee's him the gut. Dirge bounds off the ropes, and Raenius goes from the opposite side.

Hanson: VAE VICTUS!!

Just before Ezekiel is about to be broken in half, he falls to the side either from skill or exhaustion. Raenius and Dirge manage to miss each other. Ezekiel scrambles to his feet and nails the Decapitation on Raenius, causing him to stumble back into the corner. He nails a weakened High Beam on Dirge, temporarily knocking the man down. Ezekiel backs into a corner and makes a 'slit-throat' motion as Raenius steps closer. Ezekiel inhales just as Scarlet tosses the flask from earlier into the ring right at..

Vinegar: What the--

Hanson: Dumb bitch can't throw!

Raenius catches the flask, quickly downs some beverage and just as Ezekiel unleashes the fireball, Raenius spits the liquid back at Ezekiel, causing the fireball to backfire, setting Ezekiel on fire from his chest to his face. Raenius' mask is on fire and Raenius drops to the mat and rolls to the ring as Ezekiel thrashes like a fish out of water.

Vinegar: Oh. My. GOD!

Hanson: Trademark Fail! Trademark Fail!

Ezekiel continues to thrash inside the ring, while Raenius thrashes outside. Dirge places some careful but hard boots to Ezekiel's head and body.

Hanson: Hahahaha! He's 'stomping' him out!

Raenius seems to struggle with the mask before throwing it the ground and he swiftly scrambles backward, back against the railing looking confused. Scarlet rushes to Raenius' side.

Hanson: Ha! Never trust teenagers.

Vinegar: What is the meaning of this?

Suddenly, Osiris rushes down the ramp and grabs a fire extinguisher from under the ring. He slides in, pushes Dirge to the side and sprays Ezekiel til the fire is gone. He tosses the fire extinguisher down and looks at Dirge. Dirge just stares past Osiris, smiling wryly at Ezekiel.

Vinegar: Dirge could've put Ezekiel out..

Hanson: He just didn't want to.

Vinegar: What a bastard!

Dirge's face switches to a grimace and he stares down Osiris as referees tend to Ezekiel.

Vinegar: This is no time for a staredown, guys.

Scarlet helps Raenius to his feet as Syn and Nyx come down to the ring and aid in getting Raenius to the back, his face red and blotchy from the heat. Scarlet holds up the right side, as Syn holds up the left as Nyx stomps out the mask and picks it up, following the others up the ramp. Dirge smiles again before exiting the ring and following his partner, all the while staring at Osiris.

Vinegar: Osiris may not have gotten the best of Dirge earlier tonight, but he let them know that they still can't overlook him.

Hanson: I love the smell of burnt flesh in the evening, smells like...victory.

Vinegar: Let's go to commercial.

Hanson: We're online, fucktard. There are no commercials! We're in the land of child molesters and hentai freaks!

Vinegar: You know what I noticed? All your dialogue was labelled Hanson...not Evil Hanson...

Hanson: Um....don't question the fire that burns inside!

Vinegar: Yeah. You're not evil. You're just the same miserable prick you always are.

Hanson: I WILL TEAR YOUR RECTUM OUT AND SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT!

Vinegar: Just drop it, Daniel. We have another match to call.

Hanson:....you never let me have any fun, Nick.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: It’s time for the main event5, ‘Diamond’ Jack Severino and Moss Edwards teaming up...

Hanson: Wait a minute how did they get into the Main Event? I can just about accept FoolZ riding here on The Blessed One’s coattails, but what have either of these two done to deserve sharing the ring with the greatest talent the world has ever seen?

Vinegar: If we allowed you to be the judge of an individual’s right to face The Headliner, it’d be Travis Roberts alone in the ring at the end of each show...

Hanson: Don’t forget The Lord Chief, and Gabrielle...

Vinegar: You’d want all your favourites fighting?

Hanson: No, they could just stand around and we’d look at them in their varying degrees of awesomeness.

“Nigga Hol’ Dat!”

Dennis: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is a tag team match, introducing first, the special guest referee, BOOOOOOOSS PEEEEEENGUIN!

Hanson: Great, not only have we got a number of guys who shouldn’t be competing in a main event, we’ve also got to contend with a Penguin without even the most primitive knowledge of the sport.

Vinegar: I hear he’s been reading up. But his appearance reminds me, you picking any sides in the oncoming Power Struggle, Dan?

Hanson: What do ya mean?

Vinegar: Well you have a distaste for both Mary-Joanna and and our enforcer, so I was wondering who’s side will you come down on.

Hanson: Well, I hadn’t thought about it. Who are Travis and The Lord backing?

Vinegar: Do you pay attention at all?

Hanson: I know, it’s remarkable how I keep this job huh? But seriously, who are my boys getting behind?

Vinegar: Well Hastings is lined up behind Boss P, as I thought was painfully apparent earlier tonight, I think you may even have been involved in discussions regarding it.

Hanson: So Boss P it is then, I guess.

Vinegar: But Travis is seemingly behind Mary-Jo...

Hanson: GARGH! Why, why do they do these things to me!

Vinegar: Divine Comedy...

“Diamond in the Rough”

Dennis: Introducing the first competitor, from Christchurch, New Zealand, he is DIAAAAMOND JAAAAACK SEEEEEVERIIIIIIIIIINOOOO!!!

Vinegar: I’m not sure that was the greatest idea, letting Jack come out when Boss P is on his own...

Hanson: The flippery lil’ fella has a gun as ever, I’m sure he’ll be fine...

Vinegar: I don’t think Jack cares, he hasn’t even acknowledged the crowd and is storming straight towards Boss P, eyes locked on the little oily bird...

Hanson: Well he was responsible for scarring Gabby...in fact I don’t care if Hastings is for him, I’ll never forgive Boss P for that.

Vinegar: And neither will ‘Diamond’ Jack by the looks of things....hang on a minute.

Hanson: Can’t even wait for his music?

Vinegar: Moss Edwards has come hurtling down to the ring, and has stepped in front of DJS and is trying to talk the big New Zealander down, I hate to imagine what would have happened if he HAD waited for his entrance music.

Hanson: We may have seen our Enforcer turned into Polar Bear food, my distaste for Mos Edwards is growing with each and every week.

Dennis: And his opponent, who just couldn’t wait to get to ringside, from Hollywood, California, he is The Auteur, MOOOOOOSSSSS EEEEEDWARDSSSSSSSS!!!

Vinegar: Somehow, Moss has managed to talk ‘Diamond’ Jack down for now, motioning at the entrance ramp, mentioning Roberts and Boolzian, trying to get his team mates focus...

Hanson: He’s only managed to keep Jack on the outside, pacing the length of the ring, he’s still staring at that webbed footed motherfu...

Vinegar: He can probably hear you, and definitely has a gun.

The lights go dim, the sound of a Red Bull popping open, then a Zippo being struck is heard, then Wonder What’s Next by Chevelle blasts over the P.A. system. The words ‘Red’ ‘Bull’ ‘Icon” flash over the big screen giving off enough light for BoolZ to emerge to a mixed reception.

Dennis: And their opponents, introducing first, from Oceanside, California, The Red Bull Icon, RAAAAAAANDY BOOOOOOOOOOOLZIAN!!!!

Vinegar: I’m not sure the fans here in Germany know what to make of his recent....alliance, if you can call it that with Travis Roberts.

Hanson: I’m confused by it myself, but for completely different reasons to these morons. They should be screaming louder than ever, for once in his life BoolZ made the right decision and teamed with The Headliner.

Vinegar: They’ve united against a common enemy, but it still remains to be seen if the differences between them can be put aside, they’ve spent so long as enemies, it’s almost unfathomable to see them as a coherent team.

Hanson: The Blessed One can make anything work, even damaged jokes like Randy Boolzian.

Vinegar: Randy hasn’t made his way to the ring yet, he waits on the entranceway ramp...

“Bummer”

Dennis: And his partner, from Phoenix, Arizona, he is the GIW Unified Global Champion! TRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAVIS ROOOOOOOOBERTS!!!!

Hanson: Is Randy waiting to attack The Headliner?

Vinegar: The Blessed One walks out from the back, and there is no attack pending, instead, Travis Roberts raises one of his smokes to his lips... and BoolZ offers him his Zippo...

Hanson: Ha Ha! Boolzian knows his place, he’s here to do The Blessed Ones bidding...

Vinegar: I’m not sure that’s what that was about, I think both men used that as a signal that they can trust one another...at least for tonight.

Hanson: Moss has got Severino on the canvas, But The Auteur is insisting on starting this one off in the ring, before Travis and BoolZ even make their way down the entranceway.

Vinegar: Smart move though, especially if he doesn’t want to get DQ-ed. Travis and Randy both make their way down to the ring, but as they approach the corner, both men spot and attractive women, sitting directly opposite what will be their corner, and both men go over to her, before seeing the other is also making his own moves.

Hanson: BoolZ better step down now...

BANG!

Boss P: YO NIGGA’S, GETCH YO ASS’ INTO MA RING DIS INSTANT, I WANNA ENJOY ‘DESE NIGLETS TAKING YO BOTH APART, NOT YOU TWO ARGUING OVER WHO GETS ‘DA SLOPPY SECONDS!

Vinegar: Travis telling BoolZ tyhat young Randall should start this one off, he clutches at his ribs to push forward the point. And Randy agree’s and slides into the ring....as Travis Roberts turns right back around and returns his attentions to the young woman at ringside, with a cocky grin.

Hanson: That my friends, is classic Headliner...

Vinegar: Boss P slides his Tommy Gun into a corner, and then signals for the bell to be rung...

DING!

Hanson: That’s what a bell sounds like!

Vinegar: indeed, Moss and BoolZ circles one another, and it seems the RBI has a few words about his new close friend, and Moss’ cousin, Grace Harding, he’s got a broad grin on his fae as Moss dives towards him, only for Randy to sidestep and hip toss The Auteur onto the canvas.

Hanson: but Moss kips up almost instantly, and grabs BoolZ’s arm and whips him intot he ropes, catching him the way back with a spinning DDT, crushing Randy’s head into the matt....this fool better not cost The Headliner a match...

Vinegar: It’ll take more than a DDT to keep Randy down, as he proves by kipping up himself...FLUIDITY! Moss caught by surprise as BoolZ uses his trademark to down the GIW.com Champion, and then for the first time see’s his corner is completely unmanned, and see’s why.

Hanson: He lost his chance, you snooze you lose...

Vinegar: Randy now yelling at Travis to get his ass back in the ring, The Headliner rolls his eyes, shrugs his shoulders before kissing the womans hand and climbing onto the top rope, whilst assuring Randy he hadn’t heard the bell ring...

Hanson: Perfectly plausible explanation...but Randy shouldn’t be seeking answers, he should be concentrating on Moss Edwards, who comes up behind him and hits a beautiful german suplex, and holds the bridge...

Vinegar: And Boss P goes down on his stomach to count...but...

Hanson: He can’t! HA HA HA HA! That’s awesome, his little flippers can’t reach the canvas because he’s too round...brilliant!

Vinegar: And BoolZ has managed to kcik out much to Boss P and Moss’ displeasure, and the little bird looks annoyed. Moss though not letting his annoyance take the momentum from him, picks up Randy, and whips him into the corner with DJS...then tags Diamond Jack...

Hanson: Diamond Jack climbing the ropes, and Moss lifting up Randy....

Vinegar: As Boss P gets his gun?

Hanson: What does he need that for?

Vinegar: POWERBOMB OFF THE TOP ROPE! DJS MAKES THE COVER, BOSS P POINTS HIS GUN TO THE CEILING!

BANG!

BANG!

Vinegar: BoolZ kicks out, after two gunshots....which seem to be replacing the usual hand count...

Hanson: I sure hope all the lighting guys are out of the rafters...or at least a safe distance from the ring...

Vinegar: DJS has already lost focus and is standing over Boss P, who seem’s to be trying to reason with him...but he has taken his eyes of The Red Bull Icon, who grabs him from behind and executes a backbreaker, which takes Diamond Jack down...and then BoolZ scrambles to his corner and makes the tag, to Travis Roberts, who climbs in the ring, and takes no time in stomping on Severino...not the most stylish entrance to a match The Headliner has ever made...

Hanson: He’s conserving his energy...now Travis raising DJS to his feet, but gets a swift punch to the janglies, which causes him to double over, directly into a Belly-to-Belly suplex from DJS, and The Headliner now rolling on the floor, clutching at his torso...

Vinegar: Diamond Jack showing no mercy, as he has diverted attention from Boss P to another whom he blames for Gabby’s current state, and he drops a knee onto Travis already damaged ribcage, and then stomps hard onto Travis’ shoulder, before picking him up and Gorilla Pressing the Unified Global Champion to the canvas....a real showing of power here from DJS...

Hanson: yeah it’s just TRLA...

Vinegar: Yeah...yeah...Travis looks in a whole world of trouble to me, as DJS gets him to his feet again and goes to lock up...

Hanson: I TOLD YOU! Travis skips behind DJS and manages to floor him with a picture perfect full nelson slam...

Vinegar: Everyone can see that was far from picture perfect, it was sloppy and desperate but it did indeed get the job done, as now Diamond Jack is forced to tag out, as the hurting Headliner crawls towards his corner and BoolZ...but Moss grabs his leg and pulls him back into the centre of the ring, before dropping another elbow on him...springboarding onto the middle rope...ASAI MOONSAULT!!! AND THE COVER...

BANG!
BANG!

Vinegar: NO! Moss breaks the cover, he is appalled...

Hanson: Boss P tried a quick...errrrm....shot....count....quick count!

Vinegar: Looks like Moss is having words with the penguin now, I’m pretty sure I just heard Chassie Fears name mentioned...The Auteur doesn’t want anymore gift wrapped wins...

Hanson: Pity, it would have been the only way for him to score a three count/shot on The Headliner...

Vinegar: Moss throws his hands down, and tags in DJS after a lengthy conversation with Boss P that apparently went nowhere, but at the same instant Travis tags in BoolZ...who takes DJS down with a flying forearm before leaping back to his feet and climbing the top rope...awaits DJS rising...TUMBLEWEED FROM THE TOP!!!

Hanson: And DJS is down, BoolZ makes the cover...what the hell?

Vinegar: It seems Boss P’s gun has, for the first time ever, jammed...he does his best efforts to make a gesture like a shrug to BoolZ, as he shakes it...

BANG!

Hanson: Too damn late, DJS kicks out...and BoolZ is now the one having a problem with the Penguin, and towers over him...SON OF A BITCH!

Vinegar: Boss P can jump folks, and he just pistol whipped BoolZ round the head with that Tommy Gun, and the RBI falls like a sack of potatoes to the ground...and DJS rolls him over for the cover...

BANG!

BANG!

Vinegar: Unbelievable! BoolZ kicks out, seemingly only momentarily unconscious from the force of that gun being smacked upside his head...

Hanson: Yeah but he’s not in a great state, he can barely stand, and DJS can sense this, and pushes him in the direction of the man he wants...Travis Roberts...

Vinegar: Randy stumbling into the corner and managing to tag The Headliner in, and Travis gingerly climbs into the ring, and ducks a clothesline from Diamond Jack, and manages to grab his neck and drag it to the ground with a neck breaker...Travis Roberts showing he can fight on empty with the best of them, but he’s already finding it hard to get to his feet, whilst ‘Diamond’ Jack looks like Randy Boolzian in comparison as he manages to get to his feet before Travis and he aims a kick....

Hanson: But The Headliner dodges, and sticks a fist into DJS’ stomach...WHITE OU...

Vinegar: NO! The Unified Global Champion doesn’t have the strength to hold the frame of ‘Diamond’ Jack Severino up long enough, and his entire body buckles under the strain and his forced to release DJS onto his knees...and Jack just clutches him by the throat swiftly...

Hanson: Oh no!

Vinegar: RISE OF BRUTALITY!!!

BANG!

BANG!

BANG!

Dennis: Here are you’re winners, MOOOOSS EEEEDWARDS AND JAAAAAAAACK SEEEEEVEEEEEERIIIIIINOOOOO!

Hanson: No...that....did not...just happen....damn you BoolZ and damn that penguin!

Vinegar: And it seems Boss P is now talking to the winners, as DJS just burns a whole in him...he’s motioning to the GIW Unified Global Title...I think he’s telling them they’ll get a shot if they line up behind him...

Hanson: Don’t tell me they are considering it?

Vinegar: it looks that way to me, and who could blame them, a shot at the winner of Hastings vs Roberts at Break for the Border is tempting to anyone backstage...both men look at each....nod...

Hanson: HEEEEELLLLLLL YEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHH!

Vinegar: Both men turned and kicked Boss P right out of that ring, he goes front over back, spinning to the canvas before, as Moss and DJS raise one another’s hands...and Mary-Joanna has just appeared on the ramp, and she doesn’t seem too displeased at her boys losing....in fact she’s clapping...

Hanson: She’s probably fickle enough to make those two her Number 1 guys now I wouldn’t put it past her...

Vinegar: Well whatever she wants, we’ll have to find out at another date because unfortunately we’re out of bandwidth...

Hanson: How can you tell such a thing...

Vinegar: I just can, and we’re out of it...now!

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Credits

Intro and JK vs Ghost
A-Kis

Savana vs Capelli
A-Kis

Headshots
Moss

Osiris & Serapis vs The Covenant
Moss

Damascus vs Bane
BoolZ

A-Kis vs Hastings
BoolZ

Ezekiel vs Raenius vs Komosuve
Moss

Main Event
T-Rob

Editor
T-Rob