Post by UGWC Staff on Jul 17, 2023 10:36:33 GMT -5
Name: Johnny Hitmaker (nee Bonecrusher)
Year Inducted: 2022
Major Promotions: UGWC
Position: Manager
Past Accomplishments: ENJOY READING FOREVER
Grey Coppi: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our 2022 Hall of Fame inductor, Johnny Hitmaker.
“I’m The Slime” by Frank Zappa (22 seconds in) begins to play. The Man With Two Brains and a Million Aliases sidesteps from beyond the curtains, smirking and waggling his head in a cocky manner as he saunters down towards the podium. The fans are balanced between cheers of gratefulness and respectful understanding boos. He approaches the podium, adjusts the mic, clears his throat, and taps on it far too many times. An inordinate amount of times. It becomes funny, then not funny, then loves long enough to become funny again.
Johnny Hitmaker: Did you hear that? Is this thing on? Is that tapping echoing throughout the PA? It’s hard to tell from up close. Maybe I should tap some more-
The fans and everyone else in attendance groan and jeer and otherwise assure Johnny that the mic works just fine. Johnny’s finger continues to hover over the mic, teasing doing it again anyway, then yanks his finger away, visually scoffing.
Johnny Hitmaker: All right, then, but if I watch this back later and I sound lwk mm twkn lwk dss, NONE of you are gonna hear the end of it!!
He points out into the crowd, slowly swiping his finger from one side of them to the other, much to their disdelight.
Johnny Hitmaker: Anyway, tonight’s not about me, believe it or not - no no, settle down now, it’s true! I can’t believe it myself, but here we are! No, tonight’s about someone who’s worked hard, put in those hours, and lemme make one thing-
Everyone: PERFECTLY CLEAR!!!
The fans cheer, proud of the reaction they’ve received from the now irritated Johnny.
Johnny Hitmaker: Right. Exactly. Aaaaanyway, lemme make one thing-
Everyone: PERFECTLY CLEAR!!!
Johnny whips off his shades, scanning the laughing audience with a stern, vexed look. He holds up his cue cards and shows them to the crowd.
Johnny Hitmaker: Hey, listen, it’s YOUR time being wasted here, NOT mine! Oh! And the time of the person I’m inducting tonight as well! So if not for ME, then settle down for THEM! All right?
He looks on expectantly at the group, and when things seem cool again, he continues.
Johnny Hitmaker: All RIGHT! NOW, where WAS I? Oh right, so lemme make one thing-
Everyone: PERFECTLY CLEAR!!!
The cards immediately fall out of his softened grip and descend to the ground by his feet. He rests an elbow onto the podium and rests the side of his face on his fist, eyes shut as the fans are amused at his reaction. When they settle down again, he waits a few moments longer, sighs, then stands up straight again.
Johnny Hitmaker: Well, SEEING as this is being TIMED, and you all TOOK most of my time AWAY from me, let’s just get through with this. The man behind that curtain has done so much for this industry, painstakingly crafting and recrafting themselves and their environments as needed. They’ve accrued countless accolades and worn many hats in professional wrestling, and it’s all been well-deserved; this man tirelessly and selflessly pushes anyone and anything to the Moon, in the hopes of producing the next batch of stars that might… MIGHT… even surpass him! This man has had my admiration for as long as I’ve known him, and I don’t feel he gets enough credit for everything he does for the sport he loves. But TODAY… TODAY… he FINALLY gets recognized by you, the fans AND his peers, and I for one was actually surprised to hear he WASN’T in the Hall of Fame here yet! But lemmemakeonethingperfectlyclear:
He says fast enough that the fans can’t react. They do let out a disapproving jeer, however. Johnny looks proud of himself.
Johnny Hitmaker: All of that… changes… NOW.
He doesn’t say another word, merely waits for a musical cue. When none comes, the fans begin to get restless, and Johnny himself looks back towards the curtain, confused that the inductee’s music didn’t play.
Johnny Hitmaker: I SAID… ALL of that… CHANGES… NNNNNOW!!!
Once more he waits, once more nothing happens. He furrows his brow, shakes his head, then speaks.
Johnny Hitmaker: What, what is this? You’d think Ooley would have figured for any and all contingencies!
He rests his hands on his hips as he looks back towards the curtain, now looking annoyed. The spectators don’t quite know what’s going on.
Johnny Hitmaker: You know something? For-forget it! If you want something done RIGHT, I guess you gotta do it yourself, guest or not! Hold on, folks, I’ll be right back!
He storms off behind the curtain and seems to be gone for an uncomfortably long time.
But finally…
22 seconds later, the song becomes more familiar, as it’s the full version of “I’m the Slime”! The fans are surprisingly shocked at this outcome; coworkers are surprised… that Johnny didn’t draw it out for five minutes longer!
And sure enough, Johnny indeed comes out, looking so surprised. He points at himself, mouthing “Me? Me? Me?” He continues (back) towards the podium, holding his hand on his head in “disbelief”.
Johnny Hitmaker: Oh! Wow! My God! Man! I can’t BELIEVE it! Sorry I was late, folks; I was busy trying to wade through all those fucking bronies!
The fans laugh. Well, some don’t; it’s truly been a nightmare WrestleStock with them at it.
Johnny Hitmaker: But, whoa, hey, I’m here right now, and that’s all that counts, right? Because I wouldn’t miss this for the WORLD, ladies and gentlemen! See, I’ve been at four WrestleStocks thus far. Four. And at each one, I swore, I SWORE that… THAT would be the year I went into the Unified Global Wrestling Coalition’s Hall of Fame! But then, WrestleStock would come, WrestleStock would go, and, no ring! But I figured, hey, there’s always next year!
Johnny thought about that some.
Johnny Hitmaker: I’m surprised they ended the bit just when it was gaining steam, but there’s no takesies-backsies NOW, Coalition!
The fans laugh.
Johnny Hitmaker: So I guess this is the point where I tell you all about my humble beginnings, back in 1999, in that small, stuffy apartment, wrestling on dirty old mattresses with guys just as inept at wrestling as I was! Then I guess I gotta tell you about my rise up the ranks outside of my mother promotion, Helder’s House of Hardcore Championship Wrestling!
Only the smarks pop.
Johnny Hitmaker: And if I tell you all THAT, then I’ve gotta tell you about how many times I reinvented myself: as Johnathan IQ, as Canada’s Most Wanted, as Y2Juggalo, as Zoot Suit Zombie, as The Masked Crusher, as The Rude Boy Johnny B, oh, but if I do THAT, then I’ve gotta bring up how I’ve been a promoter, a commentator, an interviewer, a booker, a manager, and some might even say a professional wrestler!
The fans laugh.
Johnny Hitmaker: And THEN I’d have to tell you about all the belts I’ve acquired, Hall of Fame rings I’ve hoarded, and agents I’ve managed! But if I did all that, I’d ALSO have to bring up all the times I failed and had to pick myself back up. All the times I quit professional wrestling and brooded every day I was away from it. All the times I was told to quit, to go home, to just give up! All the belts I’ve lost, all the bridges I burned, all the humiliations I’ve experienced, ALL of the ugly side of things!
He pauses to look up at the crowd, then slowly shakes his head.
Johnny Hitmaker: But consider this the ABRIDGED story of my life and know that there’s no up without down and no yes without no. However I got here, I got here, and if anyone would like to STILL… TO STILL… contest my worth, well, contest THIS:
Johnny gives the finger, dropping the HoF ring right on it. It loosely rests there just above his knuckle. The crowd pop the vulgar display at this otherwise classy event. He then plucks the ring back into his hand.
Johnny Hitmaker: Follow your dreams, kids, and sucker punch ANYONE who tries waking you up! You’re cut from a different cloth from those types, so you may as well strangle them with it! This is what I always tell my clients, past, present, and future; Hitmaker-Yamazaki Enterprises gives you the tools to take your greatness, amplify it, and rub the fruits of your labours in the faces of your detractors! Now, I call them Johnnaysayers, but you might want to use a different word.
The fans laugh. Yes, I AM going to say this every time. Johnny holds up the ring to show the crowd again.
Johnny Hitmaker: This ring is nothing but the unquestionable assurance that I am recognized, and as such, Sierra, Konrad, Guy, Duncan, JC, Bert, Erica, Dionysus, Claire, Ximena, and last but absolutely, positively, never, ever least, The Strong Style Satanist himself, “Deathwish” Hide Yamazaki, are now and OFFICIALLY under the umbrella of a man whose skills can no longer be denied by ANYONE! Their careers are not only secure, they’ve now been BOLSTERED! This is for me, yes, but this is ALSO for them, because without them, especially Hide, I don’t know where I’d be today. Nowhere GOOD, anyway. So if you all don’t mind…
The fans cheer these rare moments of humility from The #1 Hit-Maker. Well, humility with a twist of nonsense, but humility nonetheless! Johnny then takes the ring, puts it on his finger, shows it off to the crowd, and chuckles.
Johnny Hitmaker: I’d of course also like to thank all my longtime fans and contemporaries in this business for believing in me, but I can’t do that before I thank someone ELSE first.
Everyone murmurs among themselves as to who he could be referencing.
Johnny Hitmaker: And that someone… is ME!!!
The fans boo but it’s respectful booing, no no, really, it is. They’re willingly giving him what he wants!
Johnny Hitmaker: And to a nicer guy, it couldn’t happen!!!
He kisses the ring as the fans continue to boo. And without waiting for the noise to subside, he finishes with this:
Johnny Hitmaker: Stainless steel can rust, diamonds can be crushed, but Johnny Hitmaker truly IS… FOREVER.
His theme music starts up again, he slowly raises both arms in the air, pointer fingers to the sky. It’s at this time that the boos shift into standing applause, as the newest member of The Coalition’s Hall of Fame, Class of ‘22, heads on back out.
Year Inducted: 2022
Major Promotions: UGWC
Position: Manager
Past Accomplishments: ENJOY READING FOREVER
Grey Coppi: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our 2022 Hall of Fame inductor, Johnny Hitmaker.
“I’m The Slime” by Frank Zappa (22 seconds in) begins to play. The Man With Two Brains and a Million Aliases sidesteps from beyond the curtains, smirking and waggling his head in a cocky manner as he saunters down towards the podium. The fans are balanced between cheers of gratefulness and respectful understanding boos. He approaches the podium, adjusts the mic, clears his throat, and taps on it far too many times. An inordinate amount of times. It becomes funny, then not funny, then loves long enough to become funny again.
Johnny Hitmaker: Did you hear that? Is this thing on? Is that tapping echoing throughout the PA? It’s hard to tell from up close. Maybe I should tap some more-
The fans and everyone else in attendance groan and jeer and otherwise assure Johnny that the mic works just fine. Johnny’s finger continues to hover over the mic, teasing doing it again anyway, then yanks his finger away, visually scoffing.
Johnny Hitmaker: All right, then, but if I watch this back later and I sound lwk mm twkn lwk dss, NONE of you are gonna hear the end of it!!
He points out into the crowd, slowly swiping his finger from one side of them to the other, much to their disdelight.
Johnny Hitmaker: Anyway, tonight’s not about me, believe it or not - no no, settle down now, it’s true! I can’t believe it myself, but here we are! No, tonight’s about someone who’s worked hard, put in those hours, and lemme make one thing-
Everyone: PERFECTLY CLEAR!!!
The fans cheer, proud of the reaction they’ve received from the now irritated Johnny.
Johnny Hitmaker: Right. Exactly. Aaaaanyway, lemme make one thing-
Everyone: PERFECTLY CLEAR!!!
Johnny whips off his shades, scanning the laughing audience with a stern, vexed look. He holds up his cue cards and shows them to the crowd.
Johnny Hitmaker: Hey, listen, it’s YOUR time being wasted here, NOT mine! Oh! And the time of the person I’m inducting tonight as well! So if not for ME, then settle down for THEM! All right?
He looks on expectantly at the group, and when things seem cool again, he continues.
Johnny Hitmaker: All RIGHT! NOW, where WAS I? Oh right, so lemme make one thing-
Everyone: PERFECTLY CLEAR!!!
The cards immediately fall out of his softened grip and descend to the ground by his feet. He rests an elbow onto the podium and rests the side of his face on his fist, eyes shut as the fans are amused at his reaction. When they settle down again, he waits a few moments longer, sighs, then stands up straight again.
Johnny Hitmaker: Well, SEEING as this is being TIMED, and you all TOOK most of my time AWAY from me, let’s just get through with this. The man behind that curtain has done so much for this industry, painstakingly crafting and recrafting themselves and their environments as needed. They’ve accrued countless accolades and worn many hats in professional wrestling, and it’s all been well-deserved; this man tirelessly and selflessly pushes anyone and anything to the Moon, in the hopes of producing the next batch of stars that might… MIGHT… even surpass him! This man has had my admiration for as long as I’ve known him, and I don’t feel he gets enough credit for everything he does for the sport he loves. But TODAY… TODAY… he FINALLY gets recognized by you, the fans AND his peers, and I for one was actually surprised to hear he WASN’T in the Hall of Fame here yet! But lemmemakeonethingperfectlyclear:
He says fast enough that the fans can’t react. They do let out a disapproving jeer, however. Johnny looks proud of himself.
Johnny Hitmaker: All of that… changes… NOW.
He doesn’t say another word, merely waits for a musical cue. When none comes, the fans begin to get restless, and Johnny himself looks back towards the curtain, confused that the inductee’s music didn’t play.
Johnny Hitmaker: I SAID… ALL of that… CHANGES… NNNNNOW!!!
Once more he waits, once more nothing happens. He furrows his brow, shakes his head, then speaks.
Johnny Hitmaker: What, what is this? You’d think Ooley would have figured for any and all contingencies!
He rests his hands on his hips as he looks back towards the curtain, now looking annoyed. The spectators don’t quite know what’s going on.
Johnny Hitmaker: You know something? For-forget it! If you want something done RIGHT, I guess you gotta do it yourself, guest or not! Hold on, folks, I’ll be right back!
He storms off behind the curtain and seems to be gone for an uncomfortably long time.
But finally…
22 seconds later, the song becomes more familiar, as it’s the full version of “I’m the Slime”! The fans are surprisingly shocked at this outcome; coworkers are surprised… that Johnny didn’t draw it out for five minutes longer!
And sure enough, Johnny indeed comes out, looking so surprised. He points at himself, mouthing “Me? Me? Me?” He continues (back) towards the podium, holding his hand on his head in “disbelief”.
Johnny Hitmaker: Oh! Wow! My God! Man! I can’t BELIEVE it! Sorry I was late, folks; I was busy trying to wade through all those fucking bronies!
The fans laugh. Well, some don’t; it’s truly been a nightmare WrestleStock with them at it.
Johnny Hitmaker: But, whoa, hey, I’m here right now, and that’s all that counts, right? Because I wouldn’t miss this for the WORLD, ladies and gentlemen! See, I’ve been at four WrestleStocks thus far. Four. And at each one, I swore, I SWORE that… THAT would be the year I went into the Unified Global Wrestling Coalition’s Hall of Fame! But then, WrestleStock would come, WrestleStock would go, and, no ring! But I figured, hey, there’s always next year!
Johnny thought about that some.
Johnny Hitmaker: I’m surprised they ended the bit just when it was gaining steam, but there’s no takesies-backsies NOW, Coalition!
The fans laugh.
Johnny Hitmaker: So I guess this is the point where I tell you all about my humble beginnings, back in 1999, in that small, stuffy apartment, wrestling on dirty old mattresses with guys just as inept at wrestling as I was! Then I guess I gotta tell you about my rise up the ranks outside of my mother promotion, Helder’s House of Hardcore Championship Wrestling!
Only the smarks pop.
Johnny Hitmaker: And if I tell you all THAT, then I’ve gotta tell you about how many times I reinvented myself: as Johnathan IQ, as Canada’s Most Wanted, as Y2Juggalo, as Zoot Suit Zombie, as The Masked Crusher, as The Rude Boy Johnny B, oh, but if I do THAT, then I’ve gotta bring up how I’ve been a promoter, a commentator, an interviewer, a booker, a manager, and some might even say a professional wrestler!
The fans laugh.
Johnny Hitmaker: And THEN I’d have to tell you about all the belts I’ve acquired, Hall of Fame rings I’ve hoarded, and agents I’ve managed! But if I did all that, I’d ALSO have to bring up all the times I failed and had to pick myself back up. All the times I quit professional wrestling and brooded every day I was away from it. All the times I was told to quit, to go home, to just give up! All the belts I’ve lost, all the bridges I burned, all the humiliations I’ve experienced, ALL of the ugly side of things!
He pauses to look up at the crowd, then slowly shakes his head.
Johnny Hitmaker: But consider this the ABRIDGED story of my life and know that there’s no up without down and no yes without no. However I got here, I got here, and if anyone would like to STILL… TO STILL… contest my worth, well, contest THIS:
Johnny gives the finger, dropping the HoF ring right on it. It loosely rests there just above his knuckle. The crowd pop the vulgar display at this otherwise classy event. He then plucks the ring back into his hand.
Johnny Hitmaker: Follow your dreams, kids, and sucker punch ANYONE who tries waking you up! You’re cut from a different cloth from those types, so you may as well strangle them with it! This is what I always tell my clients, past, present, and future; Hitmaker-Yamazaki Enterprises gives you the tools to take your greatness, amplify it, and rub the fruits of your labours in the faces of your detractors! Now, I call them Johnnaysayers, but you might want to use a different word.
The fans laugh. Yes, I AM going to say this every time. Johnny holds up the ring to show the crowd again.
Johnny Hitmaker: This ring is nothing but the unquestionable assurance that I am recognized, and as such, Sierra, Konrad, Guy, Duncan, JC, Bert, Erica, Dionysus, Claire, Ximena, and last but absolutely, positively, never, ever least, The Strong Style Satanist himself, “Deathwish” Hide Yamazaki, are now and OFFICIALLY under the umbrella of a man whose skills can no longer be denied by ANYONE! Their careers are not only secure, they’ve now been BOLSTERED! This is for me, yes, but this is ALSO for them, because without them, especially Hide, I don’t know where I’d be today. Nowhere GOOD, anyway. So if you all don’t mind…
The fans cheer these rare moments of humility from The #1 Hit-Maker. Well, humility with a twist of nonsense, but humility nonetheless! Johnny then takes the ring, puts it on his finger, shows it off to the crowd, and chuckles.
Johnny Hitmaker: I’d of course also like to thank all my longtime fans and contemporaries in this business for believing in me, but I can’t do that before I thank someone ELSE first.
Everyone murmurs among themselves as to who he could be referencing.
Johnny Hitmaker: And that someone… is ME!!!
The fans boo but it’s respectful booing, no no, really, it is. They’re willingly giving him what he wants!
Johnny Hitmaker: And to a nicer guy, it couldn’t happen!!!
He kisses the ring as the fans continue to boo. And without waiting for the noise to subside, he finishes with this:
Johnny Hitmaker: Stainless steel can rust, diamonds can be crushed, but Johnny Hitmaker truly IS… FOREVER.
His theme music starts up again, he slowly raises both arms in the air, pointer fingers to the sky. It’s at this time that the boos shift into standing applause, as the newest member of The Coalition’s Hall of Fame, Class of ‘22, heads on back out.