Post by Travis Pierce on Mar 23, 2024 19:05:10 GMT -5
We see a darkened set, with silhouettes visible of a table with someone sitting behind it. A voiceover is heard from Rob Cartwright.
Cartwright: Ladies and gentlemen, he is the host of The Piercing Truth, you know his name, the Icon of Entertainment, the King of Charisma, he is...TRAVIS PIERCE!
“You Know My Name” by Chris Cornell begins to play, and the lights come on to show a chair sitting backwards behind the desk. A monitor behind the chair shows the logo for The Piercing Truth. The chair slowly turns around, revealing Travis Pierce.
Pierce: Welcome to the show! I’m your host, Travis Pierce, inviting you to come along as we wrestle with the top stories!
Travis switches to Camera B.
Pierce: There's a new boss at a storied 47-year-old Formula 1 team, and he's eager to shake things up. It’s going to be harder for the Williams team principal to do than he expected, however, after discovering that the team manages their 20,000 parts using an Excel spreadsheet which is impossible to navigate and impossible to update, plus it’s been written in a rare dialect of Raab. There remains hope, however, as rumors have it that new UGWC signee Tommaso Ferrari is the one person on the planet who potentially speaks the same language and may be able to translate, with the caveat that it’ll now be written in bullshit.
Travis switches to Camera A.
Pierce: A Missouri teacher who had to resign after her district found her OnlyFans page has been fired from her new job at a health company after only five days when the company discovered that she has an OnlyFans page. With limited options remaining, the woman will now be forced to seek employment as the poor man’s Sloane Taylor.
Travis switches to Camera B.
Pierce: Federal regulators want to fix McDonald’s broken ice cream machines, and they’re asking to expand right-to-repair laws to address the issue. In a letter to the US Copyright Office on Thursday, regulators asked for commercial soft-serve machines to be exempt from current laws making them difficult to repair. Of course, walking into a McDonald’s with a working ice cream machine is like watching Gideon Thornfield win a match. It’s just not something you expect to see.
Travis switches to Camera A.
Pierce: A Fort Collins man currently facing 14 counts of indecent exposure is under investigation for allegedly ejaculating on food while he was an employee at Safeway. The alleged perpetrator said his behavior couldn’t be helped, as he was watching old Zane Scott snuff videos while he worked.
Travis switches to Camera B.
Pierce: The Cambodian prime minister, Hun Manet, has ordered a ban on musical vehicle horns after videos posted on social media showed people dancing on roads and roadsides as passing lorries blasted rhythmic little tunes. Now the only source of joy that remains in Cambodia is watching Trent Steel kick Larry Tact in the balls.
Travis switches to Camera A.
Pierce: Of course, I’ve recently found a renewed source of joy in my own life, and that is the opportunity to remind everyone first hand just who is the true Alpha Travis of UGWC. That’s why I’m actually glad to see that the Beta has returned. It might make me the only person that’s happy or even cares that Travis Roberts is back, but he’s always been something of a useful idiot for the Piercing Media Network. You can never have enough of that.
Travis switches to Camera B.
Pierce: We can’t expect the Beta to know what he’s been missing during his time away, as the piercing truth is that it can be safely assumed he’s spent most of that time up his own ass. That’s why I had to attack Wrestley McWrestleface last week on Synergy, to get the attention of someone who will have the courage and conviction to remind the Beta just what he’s in for. It’s a lesson and reminder that I intend to continue this week on Synergy, and once I’m done with him, Wrestley can lucha limp his way back to the Laconia and tell the Beta first hand the fate that awaits him when he steps in the ring with me.
Travis switches to Camera A.
Pierce: I do hope you’re watching on Monday, Beta, assuming you’re not too busy spinning yourself in circles trying to solve the mystery of who wet your bed or clogged the toilet by the laundry room. Honestly, I can’t help but wonder if you even deserve to be a Beta anymore. After all, plenty of other Greek letters that could be more appropriate. Get your shit together, and just remember, it’s not my fault, that the truth…hurts.
Travis winks to the camera as “You Know My Name” plays again and we fade out.
Cartwright: Ladies and gentlemen, he is the host of The Piercing Truth, you know his name, the Icon of Entertainment, the King of Charisma, he is...TRAVIS PIERCE!
“You Know My Name” by Chris Cornell begins to play, and the lights come on to show a chair sitting backwards behind the desk. A monitor behind the chair shows the logo for The Piercing Truth. The chair slowly turns around, revealing Travis Pierce.
Pierce: Welcome to the show! I’m your host, Travis Pierce, inviting you to come along as we wrestle with the top stories!
Travis switches to Camera B.
Pierce: There's a new boss at a storied 47-year-old Formula 1 team, and he's eager to shake things up. It’s going to be harder for the Williams team principal to do than he expected, however, after discovering that the team manages their 20,000 parts using an Excel spreadsheet which is impossible to navigate and impossible to update, plus it’s been written in a rare dialect of Raab. There remains hope, however, as rumors have it that new UGWC signee Tommaso Ferrari is the one person on the planet who potentially speaks the same language and may be able to translate, with the caveat that it’ll now be written in bullshit.
Travis switches to Camera A.
Pierce: A Missouri teacher who had to resign after her district found her OnlyFans page has been fired from her new job at a health company after only five days when the company discovered that she has an OnlyFans page. With limited options remaining, the woman will now be forced to seek employment as the poor man’s Sloane Taylor.
Travis switches to Camera B.
Pierce: Federal regulators want to fix McDonald’s broken ice cream machines, and they’re asking to expand right-to-repair laws to address the issue. In a letter to the US Copyright Office on Thursday, regulators asked for commercial soft-serve machines to be exempt from current laws making them difficult to repair. Of course, walking into a McDonald’s with a working ice cream machine is like watching Gideon Thornfield win a match. It’s just not something you expect to see.
Travis switches to Camera A.
Pierce: A Fort Collins man currently facing 14 counts of indecent exposure is under investigation for allegedly ejaculating on food while he was an employee at Safeway. The alleged perpetrator said his behavior couldn’t be helped, as he was watching old Zane Scott snuff videos while he worked.
Travis switches to Camera B.
Pierce: The Cambodian prime minister, Hun Manet, has ordered a ban on musical vehicle horns after videos posted on social media showed people dancing on roads and roadsides as passing lorries blasted rhythmic little tunes. Now the only source of joy that remains in Cambodia is watching Trent Steel kick Larry Tact in the balls.
Travis switches to Camera A.
Pierce: Of course, I’ve recently found a renewed source of joy in my own life, and that is the opportunity to remind everyone first hand just who is the true Alpha Travis of UGWC. That’s why I’m actually glad to see that the Beta has returned. It might make me the only person that’s happy or even cares that Travis Roberts is back, but he’s always been something of a useful idiot for the Piercing Media Network. You can never have enough of that.
Travis switches to Camera B.
Pierce: We can’t expect the Beta to know what he’s been missing during his time away, as the piercing truth is that it can be safely assumed he’s spent most of that time up his own ass. That’s why I had to attack Wrestley McWrestleface last week on Synergy, to get the attention of someone who will have the courage and conviction to remind the Beta just what he’s in for. It’s a lesson and reminder that I intend to continue this week on Synergy, and once I’m done with him, Wrestley can lucha limp his way back to the Laconia and tell the Beta first hand the fate that awaits him when he steps in the ring with me.
Travis switches to Camera A.
Pierce: I do hope you’re watching on Monday, Beta, assuming you’re not too busy spinning yourself in circles trying to solve the mystery of who wet your bed or clogged the toilet by the laundry room. Honestly, I can’t help but wonder if you even deserve to be a Beta anymore. After all, plenty of other Greek letters that could be more appropriate. Get your shit together, and just remember, it’s not my fault, that the truth…hurts.
Travis winks to the camera as “You Know My Name” plays again and we fade out.
