House Show (18/7/09) RESULTS

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Because Bill gates deserves to be crushed by a stampeding herd of zebras, this is the second time P has had to write this intro. Accordingly, if it sucks monkey fuck, blame that multibillion-dollar gangly-toothed nerdlinger.

So anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, it’s the GIW Arena. Though the building can seat over ten thousand, tonight it has barely 50. And these 50 people are scattered randomly throughout the arena, rather than all sitting at the front section. Why? Well I haven’t asked ‘em, so I wouldn’t fuckin’ know. But I’d guess it’d be because the performance from the show’s hosts from last week still rings fresh in their mind’s and they aren’t looking to be swamped by any projectile bodily fluids.

In the ring things don’t get any less disturbing. The greasy teen in his KFC uniform stands in the centre, accompanied by some old man throat cancer patient with one of those freaky ass robotic things that he has to stick in his neck in order to talk. You ever seen Scary Movie 3? It pwns.

Cancer Patient: Rez zeee zum booood!

KFC Guy: Grandpa, I accidentally picked at my acne again. Now I’m oozing puss!

Well, that’s guaranteed to alienate both cancer patients and geeks with skin conditions. 50 could be a stretch. Anyway, The GIW Tag Team Champions are noticeably absent.

A brief cut to Big B desperately trying to outrun The Tumbler, while Brandon sits behind the wheel, laughing maniacally.

Another brief cut, this time to Alex Kiseragi feasting on the blood of a small child, in his Cave Of Ultimate Destruction.

No, no, not those Tag Team Champions. The guys I’m looking for are… hey, they’re seated in the front row! Swaying from side-to-side, leaning on each other for support are Andy Savana and Declan Prescott.

Declan: I think I’mma barf…

Andy: I bet I can barf further!

Declan: You wish nigga! Check this shit out!

Thankfully, the Globatron now lights up, distracting The GIW Tag Team Champions from their demented contest. A figure, their identity cloaked in shadow, stands in a dimly lit office room. Behind them are a collection of other shadowy figures of varying shapes and sizes, but all looking equally sinister. The main figure clears his throat and speaks, his voice distorted by one of those things kidnappers always use when speaking on the phone.

Figure: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. We are the board of directors for GIW. You may simply refer to us as, ‘The Board’. In the absence of a demented, homicidal, 50 Cent wannabe penguin, we figured two drunk bums would put on an equally bad show for you all to be disappointed by. Now, you may be wondering why we are hiding our identity. Well, Travis said there could be no major storyline developments in his absence, so you’ll just have to fuckin’ deal. Now suck my fat one.

Seemingly touched by the shadow’s speech, with tears in their eyes, the GIW Tag team Champions climb over the safety barrier and fall face first to the floor.

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Okay, they’re still on the floor…

Declan: Hey Andy.

Andy: Yeah bro.

Declan: Think it’s natural to itch this much?

Andy: Nigga, don’t say shit like that. Last thing we want is to encourage Mikey D to post another pic from his family photo album. Quick, do something to distract him!

Declan climbs into the ring and breaks his liquor bottle over Grandpa’s skull.

Grandpa: Zaaaarr.

KFC Guy: The fuck you do that for?! He was gonna buy me a motorised scooter!

Declan: …

Andy: …

Audience: …

Andy, Declan and Audience: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Declan: This kid’s alright. Maybe we should replace Ted with this guy.

Andy: He reminds me of a kid at school. We called him ‘Wally Who Rapes Rabbits Behind The Bushes’ because his name was Wally and he used to grape rabbits behind the bushes.

Declan: You went to school?

Andy: I never said it was my school.

“DON’T YOU GUYS EVER SHUT UP?!”

JK is now standing on the entrance way, looking angered and ready to fight.

JK: I’m pretty sure these people didn’t pay to see you two throw up on each other and listen to Andy’s rabbit abuse! They came to see a fight! And that’s exactly what I’m gonna give them!

JK begins marching down the entrance ramp, as the fans start to show some interest for the first time since the show began.

Declan: Wait, who is that guy?

Andy: Fucked if I know. I’m more interested in finding out how he knows my name used to be Wally.

JK slides into the ring and charges at The GIW Tag Team Champions full speed. He takes them both down with a double jumping clothesline. He’s quick to spring back to his feet, raising both his arms in the air. He then turns back to Declan and Andy, ready to continue his assault.

Except they’re both still laying motionless on the mat.

KFC Guy: Damn dude, I think you knocked ‘em out cold…

JK stands bewildered for several moments, before Vladimir Ulysys enters the ring. Not willing to go home without hurting someone, he simply starts attacking JK. He bashes him with a few fists, knocking him down. JK is dazed, as Vlad lifts him off the canvas into a gorilla press and throws him into the crowd. Or rather, into the empty seats. JK gets pretty twisted up upon landing and he’s pretty much dead now.

Vlad now pulls Throat Cancer Guy up and choke slams him all the way back to the terminal wing. He then pulls Andy up and big boots him back to the asylum. He then hoists up Declan and DDTs him back to writing halfway decent RPs.

Vlad salutes then shouts praise for his Momma Russia. The few fans don’t like that and decide that, since security is on break, most likely having the same brain enhancing surgery that the majority of the roster hopefully left to have, they can easily storm the ring. They all jump the safety barrier and charge for Vlad.

Things quickly turn into a Lord Of the Rings rip off, as Vlad is smashing the puny fans into the air, as they run at him, just like Sauron and the pathetic mortals at the start of the first film. Soon all the fans are pretty much quadriplegics and KFC Guy is too busy trying to resist the urge to take advantage of an unconscious chick with no tits.

But somehow JK is back in the ring and he’s kept one of the chair as a souvenir. BANG NIGGA! Right into Vlad’s head. The Russian only shakes the shot off and then grins, daring JK to hit him again. JK complies and BOOM NEGRO! The chair has now been monumentally fucked over Vlad’s head, but The Siberian Destroyer is still standing. Vlad than says it’s his turn, before booting the chair into JK. Except The Cyclone ducks, leaps onto the humungous pile of bodies and comes flying off with Flying Debris! And now Vlad is sent off his feet, going tumbling onto what’s left of Throat Cancer Guy.

JK covers, but there’s no count. KFC Guy is too busy burying his hands’ down no tits’ jeans. I’m still wondering how long it’s gonna take him to realise it’s just a man with long hair… and if he’ll care once he does.

Well, JK doesn’t like this. He pulls KFC guy up and The Cyclone over the top rope and into the steel ring steps. Out comes Dylan James’ Momma and it turns out she’s a squirrel! Oh, we were talking about that Dylan James. Cool. But Vlad is back up, during the distraction. He grabs JK and looks for the Order Of Lenin! JK is desperately trying to break free, but he can’t Wait! Now here’s Jasmine on the apron and Paul, who seems to have caught his shirt on the safety barrier, while he was heading down the ramp. He seems to be struggling valiantly against this oppression, but he’s out of his depth.

Jasmine on the other hand has managed to get Vlad’s attention. The big Russian tosses JK to the side and charges at Jasmine. She leaps from the apron just into time to avoid a massive clothesline, letting JK get the roll up from behind. ONE! TWO! THREE! I don’t know who taught this squirrel to count, but JK wins the match against his tag partner!

And since the medical team isn’t in the building, Bones has come out (since he lives in the GIW Arena) with a big ass broom and is sweeping the pile of bodies from the ring.

Declan: Can you sweep me back home? It’s only a few blocks.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Well, the next scheduled match is Nathan Korpi vs. Osiris. But since I never received that match and Osiris never even bothered to RP, I think you all know where things are headed. They’re in the ring, but can’t start the match, because a massive eclipse has blacked out the lights. It’s Marlo’s gigantic ass up in the rafters! It takes a dump in the ring, right on our would-be combatants. Korpi is able to flee the ring in time, but seeing as Osiris is a quadriplegic (and not just in physical terms), he has no way of getting away. The wheelchair bound Osiris is buried, quite literally, before the Globatron briefly flashes with the words ‘This Would Never Have Happened To Santino’.

Bones comes out with a firehose and begins blasting the ring clean. Now lets move on and focus on some guys who actually bothered to get involved. What you say?

The surprisingly creative entrance of Tad ‘Leaky Penith’ Morrisey occurs, as he comes out to the arena. He tries waving to the fans, but notices there are none left. Wait, there’s Savana and Declan sitting in the front row. Well their egos have been stroked enough this show, so there’s no need to wave to them. Now he’s in the ring and awaiting his opponent.

Goin’ Out West hits and out comes Atter, who, I’ll add, isn’t nearly as awesome as Slave. I guess Olivia is there too and Danny DeVito owns her gaping ass.

So both dudes are in the ring, but Tad still seems more upset by the stain on his tights, than the 6’3 paedophile that is likely about to grape his soul. Atter starts with a massive punch, that sends tad reeling into the corner. Atter then begins lasting away at Penith Boy with a bunch of fists and kicks. He then pulls him out of the corner and right into a massive clothesline.

Atter pulls Tad up, who looks like his penith hath been leaking all over again. Headbutts him hard and Tad goes falling back onto the ropes. Atter charges with a boot, but tad dodges and now Atter’s doodle is all hung up on the top rope, with one leg either side of the ropes. Tad looks a little too excited and clotheslines Atter, sending him tumbling to the outside. Now Tad is applauding himself, seeing as there’s no one else to do it.

Tad now climbs through the ropes and hits an elbow drop from the apron. He connects and Atter grumbles something about Home Alone. Tad pulls Atter up by the hair, but Atter shoves him hard into the safety barrier, sending Kid default tumbling over the wall and into the empty chairs. Atter follows him and smashes a chair over Tad’s head, once he gets there. And why hasn’t he been DQd? Because I forgot to select a ref from the audience. Though with Declan and Andy as the only choices, that was probably for the best…

Now Tad has decided the life of a professional wrestler isn’t for him. He turns and starts running toward the nearest exit. But wait. There’s one fan left! It’s Dredd! We all know he has nothing better to do, anyway. Now we have a ref and tad is telling Dredd to get Atter to put the chair away. Before Dredd can finish saying he’ll take care of it, he’s been blasted through the air by Atter swinging the steel like it were a baseball bat. Tad gulps and prepares for the end, as Atter swings. NO! His brain is too damaged and he misses!

Tad realises he has a chance at survival and delivers a hip toss, sending Atter crashing into a whole heap of chairs. Now Tad hits his most vicious of signature moves… a kick! That only makes Atter angry and tad flees back to the ring. He makes it there before Atter and as Atter climbs through the ropes, Tad DDTs him hard. Olivia hasn’t done shit this entire time, except take Dredd’s wallet.

Now Tad goes to the top rope for his Flying Body Splash. He takes off his mask and jumps. Atter just puts his fist out and without his mask to protect him, that hurt Tad even more than it normally would have. Atter now pulls Tad up and throws him by the throat into the corner. Tad comes stumbling out and Atter hits the Why. Yeah, that’s actually what he named the move. My God…

So now Atter covers.

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You gotta be kidding me…

Andy: Fuck, I think one of us has to make the count.

Declan smashes a Jack Daniels bottle over Andy’s head.

Declan: You do it.

Andy groggily falls over the safety barrier and crawls into the ring.

Andy: ONE!

Andy’s eyes now roll into the back of his head and he falls lifeless to the mat.

Andy: It’s… no good, D. I… I can’t go on. You have to finish… what I… I started…

Declan slides into the ring.

Declan: TWO! Woah…

Declan has become distracted by Olivia, as Tad kicks out. Atter looks pissed and starts smashing his fists against the mat. Tad takes the chance to kick him in the head, sending Atter crashing onto Andy. The smell of gin is overpowering and now Atter is tipsy. As if his hand-eye coordination wasn’t bad enough, now he’s to his feet and swinging wildly at nothing.

Declan: You know, if you were my sister, incense would be cool.

Olivia smashes Declan’s Jim Beam bottle over his head. Back in the ring, Tad dropkicks the fuck outta Atter’s face, sending him crashing to the ropes. He gets caught up in between the first and second ropes like Andre the Giant used to do eight million times per match.

Tad pulls Atter’s legs into the air and begins kicking them, Atter struggles violently to get free and eventually does so, only sending him headfirst to the canvas. Tad poses for no one in particular, as Atter stumbles back to his feet. Once he’s up, Tad charges and connects with the Running Knee Lift. JR appears out of nowhere to say the words ‘Harley Race’, before vanishing again.

Tad now climbs up to the top rope and looks for the Flying Body Splash one more time! NO NIGLET! Atter puts his knees up and Tad gets crunched worse than Olivia’s jawbone. Atter up, nails the Why a second time and covers. With no one else conscious in the arena, Olivia slides in.

Olivia: ONE! TWO! THREE!

Atter has won the most hollow of victories, before asking if there are any tic tacs in Dredd’s wallet. Olivia says there’s nothing, but a bunch of photos of little kids. The pair then leaves. Tad is up shortly, scratching his doodle, before he decides he wants some McNuggets.

Declan climbs into the ring and crawls his way over to Savana. Savana extends his hand to be helped up, but Declan only takes the beer bottle from it and begins gorging himself.

But suddenly, just when we think things can’t possibly get any worse, this plays over the Globatron:

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Savana and Declan are standing in the ring, well not standing but leaning on each other. Oh that's right people, your suffering isn't over just yet.

Savana: That’s when she told me that my doodle was special and would require more for her to…

Savana looks at the camera man, who is actually McSkinny with a HD camera, trying to tell them that they need to pose for his ‘home video collection’. The weight of the camera is too much for McSkinny to hold though and he collapses with it in his hand causing it to slide face up under Savana’s bathrobes…

Declan: Well it is time for the main event of the night….

Savanna: Strip show?

Declan: No, niglet, an impromptu battle royal. A number of GIW alumni had contractual obligations to work one show out of their retired lives and we are fulfilling it tonight.

Savana: …I like my idea more.

“Fantasy” by Ludicrous plays over the headset of Mitch the Jobber as garland, cyanide, aesc, killswitch and his Canadian title, deathman, skinny, Mitch the jobber, savage, great white, joka, jack ryans, Mikey B. Badd, Matt Clarks, Dylan James, Kat, Marlo The Beautiful, and Karma all make their way down to the ring.

Savana: I guess this match is ready to…

“Bullet with butterfly wings” plays over the headset and Savana looks around.

Declan: I guess you’re in the match…

Declan quickly exits the ring as every looks at each other. Kat walks up to McSkinny and gets on her knees to unbutton his fly. McSkinny gets scared and jumps over the top of the rope.

Declan: Look at McSkinny’s bitch ass run through the empty arena…

Everybody starts to throw punches at each other except Marlo who backs away from all the fighting. Kat pushes Deathman against a corner and kneels down to undo his fly but he doesn’t have a fly.

Declan: Bad day to be Deathman.

Cyanide sees it and pushes Deathman out of the way to show Kat he has a zipper. It is short lived though as Deathman grabs him by the head and tosses him out. Deathman tears open the fly section of his suit.

Declan: I see Killswitch with the Canadian Title is arguing with Dylan James and Aesc the Dark.

Killswitch: You guys are not dedicated like I am!

Dylan James: I had a horrible weekend but do not wish to explain myself.

Aesc: Why do you guys hate me?

The three of them are all arguing by the ropes while Mitch the Jobber who has been beaten down on by Clarks suddenly Mitch’s up and starts clothes lining everyone.

Dylan James: Why are you guys so unfair?

Mitch clotheslines all three of them over the rope eliminating Aesc of the Dark and Killswitch. Deathman who Kat has been pleasing then semenates all over Mitch knocking him over the top rope.

Declan: I don’t remember Deathman’s finisher being the Money Shot! Where the hell Savana at?

Savana is actually asleep on top of the commentators tables. Inside the ring Kat is kneeled down in front of Mitch Betts as Mikey B. Bad is fighting Deathman. Marlo is standing still with his arms crossed when Karma comes up behind him and eliminates him.

Karma: You always were a bitch!

From behind Karma comes Savana who eliminates her.

Savana: YES!

Declan: GO ANDY! He buys more liquor when he wins! NO!

Dylan James is pounding away at Savana against the ropes and trying to eliminate him when Dylan James the squirrel appears by Declan, jumps the barricade and rushes into the ring. He then jumps on the human Dylan James and causes him to go over the ropes.

Declan: YAY!

Declan then sees something in the ring. It is Andrew Carpenter with poison ivy on his face.

Declan: An Asian!

Nigga General then rushes the ring and shoots Carpenter in the kidney, before leaving the arena again.

Declan: Some guy from the crowd just rushed the ring! If we had security they would be all over this.

Savage, Joke, and White all look at each other and try to talk each other into wrestle. Just then something magical happens. From under the ring comes Austin with the midget Austin on his back.

Declan: Chris Austin has upgraded from LPW to a pony for midgets!

Austin bucks his way into the ring as the midget gets off of his back.

MA: ITS MIDGET TIME!!!!!

MA then charges at the three Joka brothers but Savage lifts him up with one hand and tosses him out of the ring. Austin stands to his feet and starts trying to make sense of the situation when Deathman tosses him over the top rope.

Declan: Deathman is really controlling this match wait a tic! He sees Kat on her knees right in front of Savana.

Savana is trying to get away from Kat but she is too quick and she gets his fly undone. Deathman goes to eliminate him but he bends down to catch his pants and Deathman flies over the top ropes. Beauty storms the ring and grabs Kat by the hair tossing her over the top rope. Savana comes up behind Beauty and eliminates her.

Declan: This is good drama!

The three Joka Brothers attack Savana but he dodges sending them over the top ropes.

Declan: There are four people left in the ring! Savana, Garland, Mikey B. Bad, and Jack Ryans! Kat is now sitting right beside me!

Declan then smashes a beer bottle over her head knocking her out.

Declan: The Significant One has a significant one.

Just then the Globatron lights up and announces that the bar will be closing in three minutes. Savana then Savana’s up!

Declan: Hurry Andy!

Savana goes to attack Jack Ryans but he pukes on Ryans who is gross out and pukes as well. This allowed Mikey B. Bad to flip him over the top rope. Savana tries to gain his balance but Garland grabs him by the robe causing it to come off temporary blinding everyone. The Pizza Guy shows up and slides a pizza into the ring. Savana then eats it.

Declan: USE IT!

Savana then bends over.

Declan: THE PIZZA!

Savana gets it finally and lifts up the pizza and knocks both Garland and Mikey out of the ring.

Declan: SHOW OVER BAR CLOSING!

Declan and Savana then charge full speed up the ramp.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Alright, there you go guys. I hope it was everything you feared and more. But now there’s a matter to discuss. If we have another show next week, I think Andy, BoolZ, Leaky Penith, myself and maybe Timza will be the only ones involved. Is that really enough to warrant a show?

On the off chance you dudes actually enjoyed this show, I’m happy to do another one. But perhaps we should cut our losses here. I’ll leave it up to you dudes to decide if we’ll have a show next week or not.

Edit:(Show Originally Posted by Declan Prescott)