Post by Travis Pierce on Jul 21, 2010 20:49:00 GMT -5
We see a darkened set, with silhouettes visible of a table with a couch alongside it. A voiceover is heard from Rob Cartwright.
Cartwright: Welcome to a very special In Your Hands edition of our broadcast! Ladies and gentlemen, the host of The Piercing Truth, you know his name, TRAVIS PIERCE!
“You Know My Name” by Chris Cornell begins to play, and the lights come on to show a chair sitting backwards behind the desk. A monitor behind the chair shows the logo for The Piercing Truth. The chair spins around to reveal Travis himself. Pierce looks directly at the camera, and then picks up a sealed envelope. He tears it open, pulls out the paper within and unfolds it.
Pierce: Well slap my tits and call me Sally, it’s time for The Piercing Truth!
Pierce presses a button on the desk that pipes in some canned laughter.
Pierce: Prepare to be pierced with THE TRUTH. Let’s get to our top stories!
Pierce switches to Camera B.
Pierce: Actor Bill Murray has stated that he regrets his role in the movie Garfield, stating that he only accepted it because he misread the name of the director and thought he was somebody else. Mistaken identity is a terrible thing, which reminds me that people can please stop asking me how I escaped captivity.
Pierce switches to Camera A.
Pierce: The Horton Plains slender loris, a small, nocturnal creature found in Sri Lanka, has been photographed for the first time. This is a rare breed and an amazing first, much like the first that will be seen at In Your Hands, when justice is served for the first time in the case of…
Pierce picks up a second envelope, tears it open, pulls out the paper and opens it.
Pierce: The Chinkster.
He pushes the button on his desk again, and it again pipes in some canned laughter.
Pierce: Industry insiders are anxiously looking forward to the match between Travis Pierce and The Chinkster, as the latter finally gets what he deserves after the awful crimes he committed against Pierce at No Holds Barred and the The Chinkster Invitational Tournament leading up to Revolution. More on this as it develops, The Chinkster.
Pierce switches to Camera B.
Pierce: And now we go to a special In Your Hands weather report from Travis Pierce!
Pierce hops out of his chair and over the desk, and walks in front of a blue screen. When the camera switches, he now has the weather behind him.
Pierce: What we got, Rob?
Cartwright: The fans have spoken, and they would like you to do the weather in the style of The Chinkster’s dad upon learning he is queer.
Pierce: Hmm, not much of a challenge.
Pierce cracks his knuckles and takes a deep breath.
Pierce: What? You WHAT? It’s so hot we’re all wishing we could go to the North Pole, but I suppose you know all about poles, don’t you? I’ve got a warm front moving west over the mountains, and you’re taking it up the ass like a pansy boy? There once was a man from Nantucket, and you’d have bent him over, I’m sure. Fuck this, I’m out of here. You want to know what the weather is like? Stick your head out the window. If it gets wet, it might be fucking raining.
Pierce slides back over the desk into his chair.
Pierce: And now, it’s time for Sports!
Cartwright: Uh, actually, bad news…
Pierce: What?
Cartwright: We forgot to run that vote.
Pierce: That’s right, I “forgot” to do it. Dang. I’ll just have to win it and come up with something. I know! I’ll do it in the style of The Chinkster.
Pierce switches to Camera B. He squints towards the camera.
Pierce: Ah so vey gud. Yu stin ki pu. Wai yu so tan tai ni po ne? Wai yu kum nao?
Cartwright: What does that have to do with sports?
Pierce starts to pivot the chair.
Pierce: Dude, I’m OWWW!!
Pierce turns back, wincing and holding his leg.
Cartwright: What happened?
Pierce: Ai bang mai fa kin ni!
Pierce switches to Camera A.
Pierce: I am really the Stig. Let’s just have our guest. Who we got, Rob?
Cartwright: The fans have selected…the Can of Gold Bond.
The 8-bit synthesizer plays “I Touch Myself” as Grey Coppi brings out the Can and sets it down on the couch. Coppi starts to leave.
Pierce: Where you goin?
Coppi: I beg your pardon?
Pierce: And how, prey tell, is it supposed to talk?
Coppi: I…no, no. I did that stuff for CoolJ back in the day, he’s not around, I don’t have to do it anymore.
Pierce glares at him.
Coppi: Fine…
Coppi comes back and sits on the couch.
Pierce: Wha da dilly yo? An' welcome, Can o’ Gold Bond, ta Da Piercing Truth, I be yo' host da amazing Travis Pierce, ya'll is mad stupid.
Coppi: Thanks, I think, I-
Pierce: Uh, hello? Let’s have the Can talk please.
Coppi: But I-
Pierce: Listen, I sent CoolJ an email the other day, he sent me these.
Pierce tosses a stack of index cards to Coppi. Coppi sighs and holds the Can in front of his own face.
Can: Thanks for having me!
Pierce: You’ve had a great history behind you from your LWF days, including having teamed together with CoolJ to win the Tag Team Championship in the spring of 2008. Do you have any favorite memories?
Can: First of all, I wouldn't say I teamed with CoolJ....I like to consider myself the wind beneath his wings. Without me....I don't think we'd of ever seen CoolJ walk, strut, or sprint to the ring...it'd of been a slow waddle.
Pierce: Any word on how ol’ CoolJ is doing these days?
Can: A few months ago he moved to the forest as a little get back to nature experiment....he grew quite fond of the experiment and decided to make it permanent. And that's when things went wrong....very wrong....CoolJ got a little too in touch with nature, no longer requiring clothes. Without clothes he no longer suffered from certain issues. He grew distant, very distant. I was told by a bird that we had both become close friends with that he didn't even notice I was gone for a week!
Pierce: Is it true that you are medicated?
Can: I eat half a bottle of maximum strength TUMS daily....what do you think?
Pierce: That’s all very fascinating, but the question on everybody’s mind is what you think about the fiasco that has been the treatment of Travis Pierce recently.
Can: TP...can I call you TP? TP needs fight for his right to party, wrestle, or medicate as he sees fit. Just because TP shares his initials with something used to clean your bum doesn't mean he's any less of a wrestler...person maybe, but wrestler....NO.
Pierce: Care to offer a prediction of the big match next week between Pierce and The Chinkster?
Can: It's going to come down to who uses Gold Bond more effectively. It's the silent difference maker.
Pierce: Thank you, Can, for your time.
Can: Know any sweet cans of Ragu?
Pierce: Alright, enough. Beat it, Coppi, I gotta rap this up.
Pierce shoos Coppi away and the camera closes in. Travis looks directly at it.
Pierce: You watching, Alex? We’ve had our fun here tonight, but this is serious. This thing between us, it’s uglier than you think. You look at me as some whiny bitch who didn’t get his way, pouting after a loss. Truth is, I fought for a long hard time to win the Cross-Hemisphere Title, and you took it from me. I’ve been beaten before. I can accept that, but you beat me in a match where you knew what you were doing and what to expect and I didn’t. It was supposed to be a fair fight, and you had an advantage, all the while promoting yourself as an honorable man. An honorable man that never gave me a rematch for a championship that I bled and sweat for years trying to win. Now, I’m not getting a shot at the Cross-Hemisphere Title at In Your Hands, but I take solace in the fact that I do get a shot at you. This started at No Hold Barred. In just a few short days, I finish it.
The camera pulls back, revealing the full desk again. Pierce picks up a final envelope, rips it open, and unfolds the paper.
Pierce: I’m Travis Pierce, and you can all go fuck yourselves.
“You Know My Name” plays again as we fade out.
Cartwright: Welcome to a very special In Your Hands edition of our broadcast! Ladies and gentlemen, the host of The Piercing Truth, you know his name, TRAVIS PIERCE!
“You Know My Name” by Chris Cornell begins to play, and the lights come on to show a chair sitting backwards behind the desk. A monitor behind the chair shows the logo for The Piercing Truth. The chair spins around to reveal Travis himself. Pierce looks directly at the camera, and then picks up a sealed envelope. He tears it open, pulls out the paper within and unfolds it.
Pierce: Well slap my tits and call me Sally, it’s time for The Piercing Truth!
Pierce presses a button on the desk that pipes in some canned laughter.
Pierce: Prepare to be pierced with THE TRUTH. Let’s get to our top stories!
Pierce switches to Camera B.
Pierce: Actor Bill Murray has stated that he regrets his role in the movie Garfield, stating that he only accepted it because he misread the name of the director and thought he was somebody else. Mistaken identity is a terrible thing, which reminds me that people can please stop asking me how I escaped captivity.
Pierce switches to Camera A.
Pierce: The Horton Plains slender loris, a small, nocturnal creature found in Sri Lanka, has been photographed for the first time. This is a rare breed and an amazing first, much like the first that will be seen at In Your Hands, when justice is served for the first time in the case of…
Pierce picks up a second envelope, tears it open, pulls out the paper and opens it.
Pierce: The Chinkster.
He pushes the button on his desk again, and it again pipes in some canned laughter.
Pierce: Industry insiders are anxiously looking forward to the match between Travis Pierce and The Chinkster, as the latter finally gets what he deserves after the awful crimes he committed against Pierce at No Holds Barred and the The Chinkster Invitational Tournament leading up to Revolution. More on this as it develops, The Chinkster.
Pierce switches to Camera B.
Pierce: And now we go to a special In Your Hands weather report from Travis Pierce!
Pierce hops out of his chair and over the desk, and walks in front of a blue screen. When the camera switches, he now has the weather behind him.
Pierce: What we got, Rob?
Cartwright: The fans have spoken, and they would like you to do the weather in the style of The Chinkster’s dad upon learning he is queer.
Pierce: Hmm, not much of a challenge.
Pierce cracks his knuckles and takes a deep breath.
Pierce: What? You WHAT? It’s so hot we’re all wishing we could go to the North Pole, but I suppose you know all about poles, don’t you? I’ve got a warm front moving west over the mountains, and you’re taking it up the ass like a pansy boy? There once was a man from Nantucket, and you’d have bent him over, I’m sure. Fuck this, I’m out of here. You want to know what the weather is like? Stick your head out the window. If it gets wet, it might be fucking raining.
Pierce slides back over the desk into his chair.
Pierce: And now, it’s time for Sports!
Cartwright: Uh, actually, bad news…
Pierce: What?
Cartwright: We forgot to run that vote.
Pierce: That’s right, I “forgot” to do it. Dang. I’ll just have to win it and come up with something. I know! I’ll do it in the style of The Chinkster.
Pierce switches to Camera B. He squints towards the camera.
Pierce: Ah so vey gud. Yu stin ki pu. Wai yu so tan tai ni po ne? Wai yu kum nao?
Cartwright: What does that have to do with sports?
Pierce starts to pivot the chair.
Pierce: Dude, I’m OWWW!!
Pierce turns back, wincing and holding his leg.
Cartwright: What happened?
Pierce: Ai bang mai fa kin ni!
Pierce switches to Camera A.
Pierce: I am really the Stig. Let’s just have our guest. Who we got, Rob?
Cartwright: The fans have selected…the Can of Gold Bond.
The 8-bit synthesizer plays “I Touch Myself” as Grey Coppi brings out the Can and sets it down on the couch. Coppi starts to leave.
Pierce: Where you goin?
Coppi: I beg your pardon?
Pierce: And how, prey tell, is it supposed to talk?
Coppi: I…no, no. I did that stuff for CoolJ back in the day, he’s not around, I don’t have to do it anymore.
Pierce glares at him.
Coppi: Fine…
Coppi comes back and sits on the couch.
Pierce: Wha da dilly yo? An' welcome, Can o’ Gold Bond, ta Da Piercing Truth, I be yo' host da amazing Travis Pierce, ya'll is mad stupid.
Coppi: Thanks, I think, I-
Pierce: Uh, hello? Let’s have the Can talk please.
Coppi: But I-
Pierce: Listen, I sent CoolJ an email the other day, he sent me these.
Pierce tosses a stack of index cards to Coppi. Coppi sighs and holds the Can in front of his own face.
Can: Thanks for having me!
Pierce: You’ve had a great history behind you from your LWF days, including having teamed together with CoolJ to win the Tag Team Championship in the spring of 2008. Do you have any favorite memories?
Can: First of all, I wouldn't say I teamed with CoolJ....I like to consider myself the wind beneath his wings. Without me....I don't think we'd of ever seen CoolJ walk, strut, or sprint to the ring...it'd of been a slow waddle.
Pierce: Any word on how ol’ CoolJ is doing these days?
Can: A few months ago he moved to the forest as a little get back to nature experiment....he grew quite fond of the experiment and decided to make it permanent. And that's when things went wrong....very wrong....CoolJ got a little too in touch with nature, no longer requiring clothes. Without clothes he no longer suffered from certain issues. He grew distant, very distant. I was told by a bird that we had both become close friends with that he didn't even notice I was gone for a week!
Pierce: Is it true that you are medicated?
Can: I eat half a bottle of maximum strength TUMS daily....what do you think?
Pierce: That’s all very fascinating, but the question on everybody’s mind is what you think about the fiasco that has been the treatment of Travis Pierce recently.
Can: TP...can I call you TP? TP needs fight for his right to party, wrestle, or medicate as he sees fit. Just because TP shares his initials with something used to clean your bum doesn't mean he's any less of a wrestler...person maybe, but wrestler....NO.
Pierce: Care to offer a prediction of the big match next week between Pierce and The Chinkster?
Can: It's going to come down to who uses Gold Bond more effectively. It's the silent difference maker.
Pierce: Thank you, Can, for your time.
Can: Know any sweet cans of Ragu?
Pierce: Alright, enough. Beat it, Coppi, I gotta rap this up.
Pierce shoos Coppi away and the camera closes in. Travis looks directly at it.
Pierce: You watching, Alex? We’ve had our fun here tonight, but this is serious. This thing between us, it’s uglier than you think. You look at me as some whiny bitch who didn’t get his way, pouting after a loss. Truth is, I fought for a long hard time to win the Cross-Hemisphere Title, and you took it from me. I’ve been beaten before. I can accept that, but you beat me in a match where you knew what you were doing and what to expect and I didn’t. It was supposed to be a fair fight, and you had an advantage, all the while promoting yourself as an honorable man. An honorable man that never gave me a rematch for a championship that I bled and sweat for years trying to win. Now, I’m not getting a shot at the Cross-Hemisphere Title at In Your Hands, but I take solace in the fact that I do get a shot at you. This started at No Hold Barred. In just a few short days, I finish it.
The camera pulls back, revealing the full desk again. Pierce picks up a final envelope, rips it open, and unfolds the paper.
Pierce: I’m Travis Pierce, and you can all go fuck yourselves.
“You Know My Name” plays again as we fade out.
x2
