Hell Frozen Over

[Lord Hastings]

We see the set of The Piercing Truth, only it is not the normal chair that sits behind the desk, but rather the throne of the Lord of Pain. The reigning World Heavyweight Champion himself sits behind the desk, his hands folded in front of him as he stares at the camera.

Hastings: Hello there. Perhaps you are tuning in now expecting to see the senseless rambling of a narcissistic egomaniac, but instead you have been graced with an appearance by your Lord. As full as you may be of shock and awe, it is time to let go of our collective expectations. I certainly have, and we’ll get to that in just a bit. First, let me welcome you to…

Donovan looks to the side of the studio, where a drum set is being quickly assembled, and a couple guitarists are tuning their instruments, all under the watch of Owen Peterson. Donovan begins drumming his fingers impatiently on the desk. Owen notices, and hastily snatches the drumsticks from the drummer and does a quick drum roll.

Hastings: Frozen Hell: The Story of Horizons

Owen applauds, but Donovan shoots him a glance and he goes back to preparing the band.

Hastings: But first, before we get underway, every good broadcast begins with the playing of a theme song, and so, Niglet, take it away!

Peterson: A one, a two, a one two three four!

The band begins to play, and Owen sings.

Finally
What I never thought could be
Fire and Ice could act as one
And thus begins our epic fusion

Now that you've warmed up to me
My temper's at a lower degree
It feels like this dichotomy was meant to be

Hell has frozen over
Hell has frozen over
Break it down
Hell has frozen over
Hell has frozen over
Let's get down

Far from home
We were made to stand alone
Together we are the chosen one
You can't stop us, come and get some

Tonight, we claim victory
We've taken our rightful seat
It feels like this dichotomy was meant to be

Hell has frozen over
Hell has frozen over
Break it down
Hell has frozen over
Hell has frozen over
Let's get down

Break it down
Let's get down

The impossible unity
The two of us make three
While everything's coming down they will see
That we set them free
And they will believe
That hell can freeze

Hell has frozen over
Hell has frozen over
Break it down
Hell has frozen over
Hell has frozen over
Let's get down

Donovan glares at Owen.

Hastings: That is what you came up with? You had all week.

Peterson: You had me doing all that other stuff too!

Hastings: Like what?

Peterson: I had to figure out who you even meant when you said contact the Neophyte, talk to Cartwright, listen to him go on about all the grief you gave him in LWF, convince him to get this set up and let us do it, promise that you’d let Pierce interview you first, get the video package-

Hastings: Did you tie him up like I wanted?

Peterson: That’s what took me so long to get the band ready.

Hastings: This is hardly an excuse. Edit this out before we air.

Peterson: It’s live.

Hastings: Frozen Hell: The Story of Horizons. I’ll tell you, for the life of me I can’t think of a more appropriate title, as it couldn’t be more clear to me that hell itself has frozen over to bring us to the point that we are at. Jet Somers, known by some as Crazy Opie, is in the main event. Jet Somers, renowned for mistaking himself for Mike Tyson and others as Evander Holyfield and subsequently confusing a nose for an ear, is competing for the World Heavyweight Championship. Jet Somers, who once proudly dressed like an Emo chick, is going to participate in our last match of 2010. Certainly sounds like the ending of an era, doesn’t it? As though all sanity and reason itself has been thrown out with the bathwater. I cannot think of a more horrifying thought than this man representing us as champion, whose attention span is clearly smaller than his peanut-sized brain, a chilling thought during this cold holiday season.

Donovan clears his throat.

Hastings: And before we continue I’d like to take a moment an impress upon our fans the importance of giving to other during the holidays. When giving a gift, one must be certain to make it thoughtful and meaningful. Take, for example, my planned gift to my good friend, Travis Roberts.

Donovan pulls out a DVD copy of “A Charlie Brown Christmas” from behind the desk.

Hastings: When I view this film, I think of my good buddy. After all, let’s examine the themes explored. Clearly since they are doing a Nativity play for school, they've yet to learn about the separation of church and state. There are really vicious kids who torture Charlie Brown and make fun of him and his tree. Then it takes a really trippy turn when dancing (and possibly some spiked egg nog) helps the kids as they join hands around a shabby tree with the help of a humanistic dog and create a beautiful holiday display. It's like one big twisted mass hallucination, and a better gift for the Blessed One could not possibly exist, anywhere in the known universe.

Donovan throws the DVD at Owen.

Hastings: Wrap that, and buy a card a write a nice note to go with it.

Peterson: You want me to give it to him too?

Hastings: I’ll take credit for my own gift, thanks so much. That’s because, folks, the most important thing, as I said, is the giving. I am giving this DVD to Travis Roberts, and I’ve thought about it long and hard, just as I’ve thought long and hard about the senseless beating I’m going to give Jet Somers at Horizons. That is my gift to him: pain, blood, and misery. The most vital part of all this? The thought that I put into it.

Donovan nods in self-satisfaction.

Hastings: And now we’re going to do a very special segment here, taking you inside the mind of the World Heavyweight Champion himself. It is a great blessing that I grant upon you, the little people, as you get the opportunity to see a true genius at work. We’re going to look back now upon the main event of this past week’s Synergy, and discussing just what was going through my mind during the match.

The screen shows footage of the main event from Synergy, beginning with Donovan’s entrance.

Hastings: We begin with my entrance, as nothing of consequence or interest occurred before that. You see that I’m basking now in the glory that is my theme music. I’m awestruck by it, as I am every time, as I simply cannot imagine a better theme being used by anybody, ever. It occurs to me that Travis wants me to use some of that silly twangy music that he likes, but I just can’t imagine that doing my regal aura the proper justice. As I’m arriving to the ring, I’m noticing a bit of a pungent odor, and I’m debating to myself whether it is the fault of the portly heathen in seat 7 of row A, or a result of Jet’s pre-match personal warm-ups, or perhaps his ritual from the night before. The noise which his neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape he has of dogs barking which he plays at high volume to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing his Tupperware, which he needs to keep food fresh. I imagine he once ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and he experienced complete awareness. Perhaps he got it from Kiseragi. The next night he tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhea.

The footage of the match shows Somers trying to beckon Donovan into the ring, but Donovan just steps around the turnbuckle.

Hastings: Notice as I did in the moment the lack of manners on the part of Somers here. He’d like me to join him in the ring, which I’m giving my full consideration. Thank you for the kind offer, being unable to think of anything more exciting than rolling on the mat with you and shoving my foot up your anal cavity, I tried harder and thought of about four hundred things.

The footage of the match shows Donovan appearing bored on the outside as Somers tags in Kiseragi and the match continues.

Hastings: I’m still unprepared for direct participation in the match as I’m completing a yoga routine on the apron, breathing through my eyelids. In a moment of stupidity, I once agreed to design and built a website in exchange for yoga lessons. Contrary to what they would have you believe, you cannot actually embrace the sun as this would result in severe burns and your arms would need to be over one hundred and fifty million miles long. My favourite yoga move is the wriggly snake.

The footage of the match shows Kiseragi and Daisuke spilling to the outside and Donovan coming into the ring and trying to get Jet’s attention, as Somers appears torn on what to do.

Hastings: Now, you have to remember that as the World Heavyweight Champion, I represent the entirety of this company. Before me I see the main event of the go-home show for our premier Pay-Per-View event crumbling. I realize that it falls to me to salvage this train wreck and provide the peasants with their proper entertainment. Yet we are beset by the indecisiveness of he who seeks to take my place, and I’m overwhelmed by feelings of horror that there exists even an opportunity for this hopeless mongoloid to take my place.

The footage of the match shows Somers turning his attention to Donovan and the two staring each other down, but when Jet finally makes a move, Donovan bails out of the ring.

Hastings: A voice in the back of my head pipes up that we may have left the gas on in the kitchen in eD’s apartment. This obviously becomes an instant priority, I’m stepping to the outside now to have de Rhombus call to the back and let the Niglet know so he can do something about it, but then I realize that I’m now being just as rude as this window licker back in the ring.

The footage of the match shows Donovan returning to the ring with a chair, but as he swings it at Jet, Somers evades it and counters with the Jetstreamer.

Hastings: Perhaps what Somers needs it to take a seat and think about his options, but as you can see, my attempt to aid this dim-witted boor is thwarted by his own discourteous nature, showing why he shall forever remain a knave in the eyes of his Lord.

The footage of the match shows Jet putting Donovan into a Kimura lock.

Hastings: I’m angry with Somers, but I’m telling him telepathically that he can make it up to me if he gets this nasty kink out of my neck and shoulder, and thinking perhaps this would be an appropriate time for another yoga lesson, as all sorts of people are coming now to see it, but the uncouth imbecile is insistent upon being in the way.

The footage shows Director of Human Resources Robert Ooley hitting everybody but Donovan with his baseball bat.

Hastings: Show of respect here by Ooley, I am noting to himself that Old Bobby knew better than to hit the Lord with his weapon. Then I pondered whether I had remembered to set the DVR to record Gossip Girl. Such a wonderful program. What is UP with that Juliet girl?

Donovan gazes off to the side for a moment, lost in thought.

Hastings: Right, where was I. Ah, yes. Hell frozen over. I don’t think the issue is really in any dispute. Clearly it would take nothing less than hell freezing over for an imbecile like Jet Somers to earn a title shot like this at an event of this magnitude. Best part about that, though? It doesn’t get worse than hell freezing over. That’s the end. And since it’s clearly frozen over already, this situation can’t get any worse. Destiny and fate are telling us that Jet Somers has no chance of winning.

Donovan stands and walks around the table, approaching the camera.

Hastings: In the past year, I have beaten Raenius, Dirge, the mighty Declan Prescott, and even Travis Roberts himself. Any of these men could beat Jet Somers blindfolded. So I have to ask you, Jet, do you think you might just have bitten off more than you can chew? You do pretty well for yourself when your opponents are people like Kyle Tacker or Travis Pierce. People that aren’t in my league. You’re in over your head, Somers. My victory at Horizons can be summed up in just one word.

Donovan sneers at the camera, as his face fills the image.

Hastings: Inevitable.

He turns sharply away, his cloak filling the screen, as the image fades out.

[Alex Kiseragi]

You know, I'm not a fan of the Owenoke. Without the tune they're just a bit annoying and they drag a little. I tend to skip them.

That said, the rest of the post was entirely enjoyable, especially Donovan's ways of explaining things like why he was swinging a chair at someone.

[Jet Somers]

Brilliant and entertaining. I especially love that we both focused on your theme song. I think we both did well with the stip with our different approaches to it.

Good luck, dude.

[EZRA]

Fuckin epic. I agree with Matt on the Owenoke and also agree about the explanations. Awesome job and good luck.

['The Cyclone' JK]

I won't rant on about the owenoke, but it did seem kinda forced, but I think that you adressed that with Donovan's glaring at Owen. that was a nice way to add some comic relief. The charlie brown DVD part confused me a little, but that is a relatively minor complaint in the long run.

the use of the footage to help us understand your thought patterns was quite a nice touch also. This is gunna be close

[Travis Pierce]

Loved what you did with the set lol.

I get what people are saying about the Owenoke stuff but the impression I've always gotten is that it is SUPPOSED to be hokey, and I thought that was pretty clear by Donovan's response. Other than that, I liked the different approach you took to the stip, like a couple other people said funny stuff.