Post by Travis Pierce on Mar 18, 2011 13:42:58 GMT -5
Trevor Sharp. That’s what I used to call him. A lot of people think it’s because Old Bob can’t be bothered to remember people’s names. I do. I just need you to know that I don’t give a shit.
Pierce: Okay, so this is our actual last broadcast before Day of Reckoning, so we’re going to have to really knock it out of the park here.
Boss P: YA WANT ME TA GET ALL MA NIGGAS DOWN HERE TA BLOW DAT SHIZ UP RIGHT?
He speaks from the heart. I can appreciate that. Louis can too.
Pierce: No, I really like what we’ve been doing the past few weeks with the Synergy editions, but this time it’s got to all be about me. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for since I debuted in LWF, over three years ago. I’m not giving up the spotlight.
Truth is, I never watched much of the “New LWF.” For me, when I think back to LWF, the people I see are Tuscon, FoolJay, the Jackass With the Mace. Now if it weren’t for Scared and Hernandez, I wouldn’t believe you when you told me there are people in UGWC today that represent the legacy of LWF. To me, Pierce isn’t a “LWFer.” Besides, as I hear it, he didn’t ultimately do all that much there anyway. What he is, however, is the person I’m about to make the face of this company. I can do that, because I’m…well…
Pierce: This is my time.
You know my name.
The lights come on to show a chair sitting backwards behind the desk. A monitor behind the chair shows the logo for The Piercing Truth. The chair spins around to reveal Travis himself. Pierce looks directly at the camera.
Pierce: Good evening, and welcome to The Piercing Truth! My name is Travis Pierce, as always your host for the evening. We’ve had simply an amazing month here, and I hope you’ve enjoyed our special LIVE! editions these past few weeks, and I’ve seen some tweets about the little “hiccup” that ended Synergy this past Monday night, but for the record you should note that the ignorant interruption of Jet Somers occurred after The Piercing Truth ended, so our broadcast record this month? Flawless. Now, we’ve got a lot to cover between now and the Day of Reckoning, so I reckon it’s time for some top stories!
Pierce switches to Camera B.
Pierce: Pages of a new mystery novel called "Holy Crap" have been appearing one page at a time posted on lamp posts in the East Village in NYC. Nobody has claimed responsibility for the work or the postings, which were apparently titled in a spot of inspiration by the idea of a cooperative team of Jet Somers and Ezekiel Pax.
Pierce switches to Camera A.
Pierce: The pork industry, in an attempt to build an emotional connection with its product, has replaced long time slogan "The Other White Meat" with new slogan "Pork: Be Inspired." In a related story, after Day of Reckoning, Jet Somers will be debuting his new t-shirt, with the slogan “I’ve Been Pierced, Ask Me Where.”
Pierce switches to Camera B.
Pierce: It’s time for March Madness! Is your bracket already busted? The piercing truth is that when you’re looking for a Final Four, there are only four that matter, and their names are Pierce, Montgomery, Ryder, and Blake. We’ll be speaking with a pinnacle member of the Human Resources Department a little later in our broadcast.
Somers has it all wrong. I’ve seen him do it each and every time, failing to focus on his own strengths and instead tripping over himself to come off as a pale imitation of his opponents. He needs to beat each of his opponents at their own game. He can’t just play his own.
Cartwright: I’ve looked over the wire reports, there is some usable stuff.
Pierce: Let’s not worry about that right now. The news is what we make of it.
Pierce is an entertainer, and a very good one. He’s able to “make it” out of nothing quite a lot. He’s great at what he does, but Jet Somers is a trained mixed-martial arts fighter. Yet rather than underscore the areas he has an advantage in, he wants to show everyone that he can be entertaining too, reaching for the sun until he gets burned. Fortunately, Louis is always happy to help draw the line between brave and a fool.
Pierce: I think the situation calls for a Quiet Moment, don’t you?
Cartwright: What would you talk about?
So he tries to one-up Pierce, and he thinks he has turned the tables. Problem is, he is trying to beat Pierce at his own game, but it isn’t Pierce’s game they are playing. It’s mine.
Pierce: Well, I think our whole message is that this is my moment, my time to shine, if you will.
Ooley: No, you want to embarrass Bummers. This is what you tell him…
Pierce pushes off his table with his foot and rolls on his chair into a corner of the studio, next to some bookshelves. He picks up a blanket and puts it across his lap, and then pulls out a pipe and puts it in his mouth.
Pierce: People comment often that I’m all talk. I’m an entertainer, they think it’s all smoke and mirrors, a lot of pomp and circumstance, full of sound and fury significant of nothing. They say I can’t compete with a fighter with the talent of a Jet Somers.
Pierce blows some bubbles out of the pipe.
Pierce: To them I agree that Jet Somers IS a fighter, and a very good one, I will give him that. And yes, I AM an entertainer, probably the best you’ve ever seen. This business that we’re in? It’s called sports entertainment. I am not just an entertainer, I am an Entertainment Professional. Jet Somers is just along for the ride, he rides on the coattails of those of us that put people in the seats.
Pierce blows some more bubbles.
Pierce: The World Heavyweight Champion is the face of the company, the pillar of a brand. The piercing truth is that there is no better person to fill that spot than the Icon of Professional Entertainment himself.
Pierce blows some more bubbles.
Some people don’t understand this, but there really is an art form to coming up with a fake name for someone. Take, for example, Tits Magoo. It would flow significantly better as “Tits McGee” or my personal preference, “Chesty McTits.” However, you don’t want to stifle another person’s creativity, so sometimes you have to let things like that slide.
Pierce: I think that in the future we should have a graphic that flashes under the screen when Gabby is on that reads “Tits Magoo.”
Cartwright: Uh, with all the other stuff you asked me to do, I’m not sure if I can get that done for this week.
Pierce: Well that’s fine, she isn’t going to be on, I’m just saying, in the future when she is on, just a little blurb or something across the bottom.
Pierce motions with his hand.
Pierce: Tits Magoo.
Chesty McTits.
Pierce: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my guest for the evening, the Director of Human Resources himself, Robert Ooley!
The 8-bit synthesizer plays Damage Inc as Ooley walks out, baseball bat in hand, and takes a seat on the couch.[/i]
Pierce: Welcome to the show!
Ooley: Thank you. Louis and I are happy to be here.
Pierce: Everybody knows you, of course, as the Director of the Human Resources Department, the group that is now in firm control of UGWC. Tell us a bit about your role that the Piercing Fans might not know?
Ooley: Anybody who has ever had a conversation with Most Rewards knows how frustrating he can be sometimes. Our Consortium meetings have really been a challenge to endure time and again, but fortunately, with my trust Toss at my side, we’ve been able to knock down some barriers and get some real productivity accomplished.
Pierce: You could be called the father of this Monday’s event, Day of Reckoning, and you participated in the original event of that name ten years ago. Does it have a special place in your heart?
Ooley: Seeing as it was also the event that once defended the World Championship against Orlando Hernandez, it certainly does. It actually works out to be some nice symmetry, seeing as he is on this year’s card himself now.
Pierce: You’re referring to one of the addition made to the card by Jet Somers, who bravely used nearly his entire purse to modify lots of matches that he isn’t in himself.
Ooley: We’ve all known for a while that Astro Bummers isn’t the sharpest crayon in the box, in fact some would say he is seven beers short of a six-pack. Might by why I’ve never been a fan.
Pierce: Tell us your thoughts on the Napoleon’s Revenge Match, our research department tells us you were in the original one of those as well.
Ooley: Of course, it was the night Old Bob won the World Title from Arelost to begin with! Great match, thrilling match, I’m excited that you’re going to be a part of it.
Pierce: Of course, one of Jet’s purse purchases was to add some special referees to the match.
Ooley: Yes, obviously he doesn’t understand Napoleon’s Revenge very well. Let me tell you, son, the feeling you get when you win the championship the first time, when you look down at your beaten opponent and you say, I 0wn you, that’s a special feeling. The Human Resources Department is proud of what you’ve accomplished. Now go fuck some shit up.
Pierce: We haven’t done this in a while, but we’ve got a Piercing Question From the Fans for you, submitted online to us at the Pierced Inbox.
I should tell him no right now. He’s not going to do it. He never does.
Ooley: You’ll pre-screen the damn thing, right?
Pierce: Of course.
Pierce: Hm.
Pierce reads the card to himself and taps it on the table.
Pierce: Where do babies come from?
It is impressive how a cohesive broadcast comes out of this. The way they find the “news” they may as well just type gibberish into Google and click “I’m feeling lucky.” That’s the talent that this man has that hasn’t been fully recognized yet, an ability to turn water into wine and squeeze blood from a stone, powered by a charisma unlike any I’ve ever seen. And Old Bob is pretty damn personable himself.
Cartwright: Something on March Madness?
Pierce: A little obvious, don’t you think?
Cartwright: Let’s see…Pepsi no longer the #2 soft drink after Coke.
Pierce: What’s the new #2?
Cartwright: Diet Coke.
Pierce: That’s dumb.
Back in the day, I’d just have Louis tell fools to have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up, but they usually didn’t hear much past the first word.
Cartwright: The next Sims game takes place in Medieval Times.
Pierce: The era or the restaurant?
Impressive.
You can say what you want about him, he understands promotion.
Pierce: I think we need to interview part of the Department, we’re going to have to be careful about it though, keep the focus where it needs to be.
Cartwright: Gabby?
Pierce: No, too distracting. How about the boys?
Cartwright: They were planning on going out to some bar.
Now there’s a good idea.
Pierce: Hm.
Why are you looking at me?
Ooley: No.
Pierce: Dang. Well, I’ll just interview myself.
Cartwright: Yourself?
Pierce: Sure, I’ve done it before. I ask the question, jump the desk, answer the question from the couch, jump the desk, rinse, repeat.
Ooley: I’ll do it.
Pierce: And remember, it’s not my fault that the truth…hurts.
I’ll admit, his music has some style to it. It’s kind of shaken, not stirred.
Cartwright: And we’re clear!
Pierce: Okay, I know I blew it with screening the question, but I don’t think it was necessary to break the desk with the bat.
Ooley: You wanted a new one to celebrate the title victory anyway.
Okay, so he’s a pain in the ass, but I knew that going in. I knew what I was getting when I recruited him, but as rough a career as the kid has had, there is a diamond there. All he needs is guidance and a push in the right direction. This is the face of our company going forward, the face of this industry, the shot of energy that it needs. In this era of Facebook and Twitter, you need a person with his finger on the pulse. That’s who he is. That’s why I chose him. I knew what I was getting, and when the winner is announced at Day of Reckoning, I know what I’m going to hear.
Cartwright: Ladies and gentlemen, the host of The Piercing Truth, you know his name, TRAVIS PIERCE!
Pierce: Okay, so this is our actual last broadcast before Day of Reckoning, so we’re going to have to really knock it out of the park here.
Boss P: YA WANT ME TA GET ALL MA NIGGAS DOWN HERE TA BLOW DAT SHIZ UP RIGHT?
He speaks from the heart. I can appreciate that. Louis can too.
Pierce: No, I really like what we’ve been doing the past few weeks with the Synergy editions, but this time it’s got to all be about me. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for since I debuted in LWF, over three years ago. I’m not giving up the spotlight.
Truth is, I never watched much of the “New LWF.” For me, when I think back to LWF, the people I see are Tuscon, FoolJay, the Jackass With the Mace. Now if it weren’t for Scared and Hernandez, I wouldn’t believe you when you told me there are people in UGWC today that represent the legacy of LWF. To me, Pierce isn’t a “LWFer.” Besides, as I hear it, he didn’t ultimately do all that much there anyway. What he is, however, is the person I’m about to make the face of this company. I can do that, because I’m…well…
Pierce: This is my time.
You know my name.
~
The lights come on to show a chair sitting backwards behind the desk. A monitor behind the chair shows the logo for The Piercing Truth. The chair spins around to reveal Travis himself. Pierce looks directly at the camera.
Pierce: Good evening, and welcome to The Piercing Truth! My name is Travis Pierce, as always your host for the evening. We’ve had simply an amazing month here, and I hope you’ve enjoyed our special LIVE! editions these past few weeks, and I’ve seen some tweets about the little “hiccup” that ended Synergy this past Monday night, but for the record you should note that the ignorant interruption of Jet Somers occurred after The Piercing Truth ended, so our broadcast record this month? Flawless. Now, we’ve got a lot to cover between now and the Day of Reckoning, so I reckon it’s time for some top stories!
Pierce switches to Camera B.
Pierce: Pages of a new mystery novel called "Holy Crap" have been appearing one page at a time posted on lamp posts in the East Village in NYC. Nobody has claimed responsibility for the work or the postings, which were apparently titled in a spot of inspiration by the idea of a cooperative team of Jet Somers and Ezekiel Pax.
Pierce switches to Camera A.
Pierce: The pork industry, in an attempt to build an emotional connection with its product, has replaced long time slogan "The Other White Meat" with new slogan "Pork: Be Inspired." In a related story, after Day of Reckoning, Jet Somers will be debuting his new t-shirt, with the slogan “I’ve Been Pierced, Ask Me Where.”
Pierce switches to Camera B.
Pierce: It’s time for March Madness! Is your bracket already busted? The piercing truth is that when you’re looking for a Final Four, there are only four that matter, and their names are Pierce, Montgomery, Ryder, and Blake. We’ll be speaking with a pinnacle member of the Human Resources Department a little later in our broadcast.
~
Somers has it all wrong. I’ve seen him do it each and every time, failing to focus on his own strengths and instead tripping over himself to come off as a pale imitation of his opponents. He needs to beat each of his opponents at their own game. He can’t just play his own.
Cartwright: I’ve looked over the wire reports, there is some usable stuff.
Pierce: Let’s not worry about that right now. The news is what we make of it.
Pierce is an entertainer, and a very good one. He’s able to “make it” out of nothing quite a lot. He’s great at what he does, but Jet Somers is a trained mixed-martial arts fighter. Yet rather than underscore the areas he has an advantage in, he wants to show everyone that he can be entertaining too, reaching for the sun until he gets burned. Fortunately, Louis is always happy to help draw the line between brave and a fool.
Pierce: I think the situation calls for a Quiet Moment, don’t you?
Cartwright: What would you talk about?
So he tries to one-up Pierce, and he thinks he has turned the tables. Problem is, he is trying to beat Pierce at his own game, but it isn’t Pierce’s game they are playing. It’s mine.
Pierce: Well, I think our whole message is that this is my moment, my time to shine, if you will.
Ooley: No, you want to embarrass Bummers. This is what you tell him…
~
Pierce pushes off his table with his foot and rolls on his chair into a corner of the studio, next to some bookshelves. He picks up a blanket and puts it across his lap, and then pulls out a pipe and puts it in his mouth.
Pierce: People comment often that I’m all talk. I’m an entertainer, they think it’s all smoke and mirrors, a lot of pomp and circumstance, full of sound and fury significant of nothing. They say I can’t compete with a fighter with the talent of a Jet Somers.
Pierce blows some bubbles out of the pipe.
Pierce: To them I agree that Jet Somers IS a fighter, and a very good one, I will give him that. And yes, I AM an entertainer, probably the best you’ve ever seen. This business that we’re in? It’s called sports entertainment. I am not just an entertainer, I am an Entertainment Professional. Jet Somers is just along for the ride, he rides on the coattails of those of us that put people in the seats.
Pierce blows some more bubbles.
Pierce: The World Heavyweight Champion is the face of the company, the pillar of a brand. The piercing truth is that there is no better person to fill that spot than the Icon of Professional Entertainment himself.
Pierce blows some more bubbles.
~
Some people don’t understand this, but there really is an art form to coming up with a fake name for someone. Take, for example, Tits Magoo. It would flow significantly better as “Tits McGee” or my personal preference, “Chesty McTits.” However, you don’t want to stifle another person’s creativity, so sometimes you have to let things like that slide.
Pierce: I think that in the future we should have a graphic that flashes under the screen when Gabby is on that reads “Tits Magoo.”
Cartwright: Uh, with all the other stuff you asked me to do, I’m not sure if I can get that done for this week.
Pierce: Well that’s fine, she isn’t going to be on, I’m just saying, in the future when she is on, just a little blurb or something across the bottom.
Pierce motions with his hand.
Pierce: Tits Magoo.
Chesty McTits.
~
Pierce: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my guest for the evening, the Director of Human Resources himself, Robert Ooley!
The 8-bit synthesizer plays Damage Inc as Ooley walks out, baseball bat in hand, and takes a seat on the couch.[/i]
Pierce: Welcome to the show!
Ooley: Thank you. Louis and I are happy to be here.
Pierce: Everybody knows you, of course, as the Director of the Human Resources Department, the group that is now in firm control of UGWC. Tell us a bit about your role that the Piercing Fans might not know?
Ooley: Anybody who has ever had a conversation with Most Rewards knows how frustrating he can be sometimes. Our Consortium meetings have really been a challenge to endure time and again, but fortunately, with my trust Toss at my side, we’ve been able to knock down some barriers and get some real productivity accomplished.
Pierce: You could be called the father of this Monday’s event, Day of Reckoning, and you participated in the original event of that name ten years ago. Does it have a special place in your heart?
Ooley: Seeing as it was also the event that once defended the World Championship against Orlando Hernandez, it certainly does. It actually works out to be some nice symmetry, seeing as he is on this year’s card himself now.
Pierce: You’re referring to one of the addition made to the card by Jet Somers, who bravely used nearly his entire purse to modify lots of matches that he isn’t in himself.
Ooley: We’ve all known for a while that Astro Bummers isn’t the sharpest crayon in the box, in fact some would say he is seven beers short of a six-pack. Might by why I’ve never been a fan.
Pierce: Tell us your thoughts on the Napoleon’s Revenge Match, our research department tells us you were in the original one of those as well.
Ooley: Of course, it was the night Old Bob won the World Title from Arelost to begin with! Great match, thrilling match, I’m excited that you’re going to be a part of it.
Pierce: Of course, one of Jet’s purse purchases was to add some special referees to the match.
Ooley: Yes, obviously he doesn’t understand Napoleon’s Revenge very well. Let me tell you, son, the feeling you get when you win the championship the first time, when you look down at your beaten opponent and you say, I 0wn you, that’s a special feeling. The Human Resources Department is proud of what you’ve accomplished. Now go fuck some shit up.
Pierce: We haven’t done this in a while, but we’ve got a Piercing Question From the Fans for you, submitted online to us at the Pierced Inbox.
~
I should tell him no right now. He’s not going to do it. He never does.
Ooley: You’ll pre-screen the damn thing, right?
Pierce: Of course.
~
Pierce: Hm.
Pierce reads the card to himself and taps it on the table.
Pierce: Where do babies come from?
~
It is impressive how a cohesive broadcast comes out of this. The way they find the “news” they may as well just type gibberish into Google and click “I’m feeling lucky.” That’s the talent that this man has that hasn’t been fully recognized yet, an ability to turn water into wine and squeeze blood from a stone, powered by a charisma unlike any I’ve ever seen. And Old Bob is pretty damn personable himself.
Cartwright: Something on March Madness?
Pierce: A little obvious, don’t you think?
Cartwright: Let’s see…Pepsi no longer the #2 soft drink after Coke.
Pierce: What’s the new #2?
Cartwright: Diet Coke.
Pierce: That’s dumb.
Back in the day, I’d just have Louis tell fools to have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up, but they usually didn’t hear much past the first word.
Cartwright: The next Sims game takes place in Medieval Times.
Pierce: The era or the restaurant?
Impressive.
~
You can say what you want about him, he understands promotion.
Pierce: I think we need to interview part of the Department, we’re going to have to be careful about it though, keep the focus where it needs to be.
Cartwright: Gabby?
Pierce: No, too distracting. How about the boys?
Cartwright: They were planning on going out to some bar.
Now there’s a good idea.
Pierce: Hm.
Why are you looking at me?
Ooley: No.
Pierce: Dang. Well, I’ll just interview myself.
Cartwright: Yourself?
Pierce: Sure, I’ve done it before. I ask the question, jump the desk, answer the question from the couch, jump the desk, rinse, repeat.
Ooley: I’ll do it.
~
Pierce: And remember, it’s not my fault that the truth…hurts.
I’ll admit, his music has some style to it. It’s kind of shaken, not stirred.
Cartwright: And we’re clear!
Pierce: Okay, I know I blew it with screening the question, but I don’t think it was necessary to break the desk with the bat.
Ooley: You wanted a new one to celebrate the title victory anyway.
Okay, so he’s a pain in the ass, but I knew that going in. I knew what I was getting when I recruited him, but as rough a career as the kid has had, there is a diamond there. All he needs is guidance and a push in the right direction. This is the face of our company going forward, the face of this industry, the shot of energy that it needs. In this era of Facebook and Twitter, you need a person with his finger on the pulse. That’s who he is. That’s why I chose him. I knew what I was getting, and when the winner is announced at Day of Reckoning, I know what I’m going to hear.
~
Cartwright: Ladies and gentlemen, the host of The Piercing Truth, you know his name, TRAVIS PIERCE!
x2
