Post by Travis Pierce on May 27, 2011 18:39:24 GMT -5
We see a darkened set, with silhouettes visible of a table with a couch alongside it. A voiceover is heard from Rob Cartwright.
Cartwright: Ladies and gentlemen, the host of The Piercing Truth, you know his name, TRAVIS PIERCE!
“You Know My Name” by Chris Cornell begins to play, and the lights come on to show a chair sitting backwards behind the desk. A monitor behind the chair shows the logo for The Piercing Truth. The chair spins around to reveal Travis himself. Pierce looks directly at the camera.
Pierce:Good evening, and welcome to The Piercing Truth! My name is Travis Pierce, as always your host for the evening. A very unique event, WrestleStock, is almost upon us, and we’ve got a very special investigative report lined up for you, but first, some top stories!
Pierce switches to Camera B.
Pierce: Harold Camping, the old fossil that predicted the world would end this past weekend, has revised his prediction to sometime in October, having apparently forgotten to carry a one. He apologized for getting the dates wrong initially, but to this point no apology has been received from Tyvola for his disgusted and heinous acts leading up to and at No Holds Barred. Simply put, there is no excuse for Tyvola, no matter how horrifically you bungle your math.
Pierce switches to Camera A.
Pierce: NBA player Kris Humphries, perhaps in the hopes of doing lots of future humping, spent two million dollars on a 20.5 carat engagement ring on new fiancé Kim Kardashian, saying he wanted it “to be big,” perhaps to compensate for something else. Meanwhile, the most important engagement in your future, loyal viewer, is the third and final day of WrestleStock next week, which will be nothing short of can’t-miss entertainment, and the site of Travis Pierce’s final vengeance against the Nasty Neanderthal himself.
Pierce switches to Camera B.
Pierce: Soccer star David Beckham served double duty recently when he tackled a fan that had run onto the field, doing security’s job for them. It makes one wonder if perhaps Entertainment Professionals need to also be referees and officials, after nobody did anything to prevent Tyvola unleashed an unwarranted assault on Travis Pierce. The investigation, being done by the vigilante research department as well as investigative staff on The Piercing Truth, remains on-going.
Pierce switches Camera A.
Pierce: A recent study reveals that blind people can “see” using the echoes of sound, otherwise known as echolocation. Asked for comment, lawyer Matt Murdock stated, “no fucking shit.” In a related story, some of the world remains blind to the oppression of this host, yet I promise you, you will hear me, and when Travis Pierce is once again announced as the World Heavyweight Champion, you will see the piercing truth for what it is.
Pierce switches to Camera B.
Pierce: Jose Canseco has put aside his repeated roid-rage for a moment of love, making a series of tweets to his soul mate, Lady Gaga. The tweets include a comment that he is her “night in baseball armor” as well as a marriage proposal. Piercing fans, you can follow us here at The Piercing Truth at on our new twitter feed, @tyvolasucks.
Pierce switches to Camera A.
Pierce: Of course, next week is WrestleStock, perhaps the biggest event in UGWC history, a festival and celebration of sports entertainment. To put this soon-to-be iconic event into the proper perspective, we go now LIVE! to a very special piercing truth field report.
The image cuts to Travis Pierce standing in a field, with a flurry of activity and workers wearing UGWC shirts scurrying in the background.
Pierce: Thanks, Travis! This is Travis Pierce, reporting LIVE! from New Orleans Park, the site of WrestleStock, where preparation for the event are already underway. Before we can proceed to this historic event, let’s take a look back at where this came from. WrestleStock draws some of its inspiration clearly from music festivals of the past and present, such as the similarly named Woodstock. Woodstock, or Stoner Christmas, is the one time of year that potheads, acidheads, and the occasional meth-addict get to huff their kittens in peace. This holiday is held for three smoky days. The day after it's over, August 18, is the best day for convenience stores, since munchie craving potheads ravage the streets for Cheetos and Haagen Dasz ice cream. The anniversary of The Woodstock Festival ("An Aquarian Exposition") is celebrated, because a man named Max Yasgur had a field with literally one billion pounds of cow shit dumped on it, a hill of shit sloping down to an incredibly polluted pond, and needed some way to get some jackass to come and pay rent on 500,000 tons of cowshit. Sure enough, Michael Lang drove up looking for the perfect quiet spot for a pot party. One thousand hippie stoners smoking bales of the best weed in the world, drew every freak within 500 miles. The Supreme Overlords of the counter-culture revolution, The Beatles, ran the whole deal. Other sources say they were on a different continent, but that is horseshit, not to be confused with the previously mentioned cowshit. The Port-O-Potty Guy was their pointman. Who could resist sliding down a huge hill of shit into an industrial waste sludge pond? Even with naked babes shaving their pits? The Who, of course. Goddamn white jump-suit wearing poof Pete Townsend said "Bollocks to one and all, where's my fuckin' money?"
Travis pauses a moment to clear his throat.
Pierce: It is celebrated on August 15-17 starting at 4:20 each day, since that's when Jimsonweed bust. The usual ritual for celebration is to get your entire family and a hukkah with your choice of pipes and to continue to smoke your brains out until the holiday is over. You may do other drugs or huff kittens if you wish, but you must always start with weed, since it was the first drug Jimsonweed made. Naturally, Jimsonweed has 4 reindeer. Willie Nelson was the original reindeer. He has been alive long enough to see when weed was legal. Cheech & Chong are conjoined twins. Chong was actually born 8 years before Cheech, but Cheech was so high as an embryo, it took him 8 years to move. They were the original Harold and Kumar. The third reindeer is Jimi Hendrix, who was the first to experiment with other drugs. He tried so many one time, Jimsonweed granted him the power of unbelievable guitar-playing skills. The final and probably the most important reindeer is Bob Marley. He spread around Rastafarianism and reggae, Jimsonweed's religion and favorite style of music. He was also born on Jimsonweeds' getaway island, Jamaica.
Travis winks at the camera.
Pierce: In the Stockian tradition of the reindeer, WrestleStock too will have a fantastical foursome, in this case a four horsemen that herald the coming of the new era of sports entertainment. They are led by Robert Ooley, who had the foresight to recognize the need for this new era and the professionals that shall lead it. He is followed by Gabrielle Montgomery, the vixen that has pulled the wool over everybody’s eyes, and who at WrestleStock will reveal her true loyalties. The linchpin is Duncan Ryder, whose role at WrestleStock may be subtle, but of tremendous importance, perhaps it all hinges upon him. The icon, of course, the greatest of the heralds, Travis Pierce, who at WrestleStock will complete the transition towards this new era, a transition that began at Day of Reckoning. This new era will leave behind the dinosaurs of the past, people like Phrixus Deimos and Donovan Hastings, and actual dinosaurs like Tyvola.
Travis takes a look around, and slowly approaches the camera.
Pierce: And you should be listening and watching closely, Tyvola, should you have access to a computer screen in whatever gutter you’ve collapsed into for the night. You’ve managed to make this issue between us personal, excessively personal. Your appearance leaves no doubt as to your lack of hygiene, but your actions speak to your shamefully low intellect. While you belong in a cage, my place, my future, is for me to be the greatest entertainer that the world has ever known. You fight because for a living because you have a face for radio, I compete because of the exposure. I am here because it’s time for the world to idolize me. Thanks to you, Tyvola, the plans are on hold. You tried to derail my career before it even began. No matter what WrestleStock has for us, I intend to end yours. I don’t know where you learned to speak, but a week from now when you can’t even do that, know that it was because of what you tried to do to me. Remember, Tyvola, it’s not my fault that the truth…hurts.
Fade out…
Cartwright: Ladies and gentlemen, the host of The Piercing Truth, you know his name, TRAVIS PIERCE!
“You Know My Name” by Chris Cornell begins to play, and the lights come on to show a chair sitting backwards behind the desk. A monitor behind the chair shows the logo for The Piercing Truth. The chair spins around to reveal Travis himself. Pierce looks directly at the camera.
Pierce:Good evening, and welcome to The Piercing Truth! My name is Travis Pierce, as always your host for the evening. A very unique event, WrestleStock, is almost upon us, and we’ve got a very special investigative report lined up for you, but first, some top stories!
Pierce switches to Camera B.
Pierce: Harold Camping, the old fossil that predicted the world would end this past weekend, has revised his prediction to sometime in October, having apparently forgotten to carry a one. He apologized for getting the dates wrong initially, but to this point no apology has been received from Tyvola for his disgusted and heinous acts leading up to and at No Holds Barred. Simply put, there is no excuse for Tyvola, no matter how horrifically you bungle your math.
Pierce switches to Camera A.
Pierce: NBA player Kris Humphries, perhaps in the hopes of doing lots of future humping, spent two million dollars on a 20.5 carat engagement ring on new fiancé Kim Kardashian, saying he wanted it “to be big,” perhaps to compensate for something else. Meanwhile, the most important engagement in your future, loyal viewer, is the third and final day of WrestleStock next week, which will be nothing short of can’t-miss entertainment, and the site of Travis Pierce’s final vengeance against the Nasty Neanderthal himself.
Pierce switches to Camera B.
Pierce: Soccer star David Beckham served double duty recently when he tackled a fan that had run onto the field, doing security’s job for them. It makes one wonder if perhaps Entertainment Professionals need to also be referees and officials, after nobody did anything to prevent Tyvola unleashed an unwarranted assault on Travis Pierce. The investigation, being done by the vigilante research department as well as investigative staff on The Piercing Truth, remains on-going.
Pierce switches Camera A.
Pierce: A recent study reveals that blind people can “see” using the echoes of sound, otherwise known as echolocation. Asked for comment, lawyer Matt Murdock stated, “no fucking shit.” In a related story, some of the world remains blind to the oppression of this host, yet I promise you, you will hear me, and when Travis Pierce is once again announced as the World Heavyweight Champion, you will see the piercing truth for what it is.
Pierce switches to Camera B.
Pierce: Jose Canseco has put aside his repeated roid-rage for a moment of love, making a series of tweets to his soul mate, Lady Gaga. The tweets include a comment that he is her “night in baseball armor” as well as a marriage proposal. Piercing fans, you can follow us here at The Piercing Truth at on our new twitter feed, @tyvolasucks.
Pierce switches to Camera A.
Pierce: Of course, next week is WrestleStock, perhaps the biggest event in UGWC history, a festival and celebration of sports entertainment. To put this soon-to-be iconic event into the proper perspective, we go now LIVE! to a very special piercing truth field report.
The image cuts to Travis Pierce standing in a field, with a flurry of activity and workers wearing UGWC shirts scurrying in the background.
Pierce: Thanks, Travis! This is Travis Pierce, reporting LIVE! from New Orleans Park, the site of WrestleStock, where preparation for the event are already underway. Before we can proceed to this historic event, let’s take a look back at where this came from. WrestleStock draws some of its inspiration clearly from music festivals of the past and present, such as the similarly named Woodstock. Woodstock, or Stoner Christmas, is the one time of year that potheads, acidheads, and the occasional meth-addict get to huff their kittens in peace. This holiday is held for three smoky days. The day after it's over, August 18, is the best day for convenience stores, since munchie craving potheads ravage the streets for Cheetos and Haagen Dasz ice cream. The anniversary of The Woodstock Festival ("An Aquarian Exposition") is celebrated, because a man named Max Yasgur had a field with literally one billion pounds of cow shit dumped on it, a hill of shit sloping down to an incredibly polluted pond, and needed some way to get some jackass to come and pay rent on 500,000 tons of cowshit. Sure enough, Michael Lang drove up looking for the perfect quiet spot for a pot party. One thousand hippie stoners smoking bales of the best weed in the world, drew every freak within 500 miles. The Supreme Overlords of the counter-culture revolution, The Beatles, ran the whole deal. Other sources say they were on a different continent, but that is horseshit, not to be confused with the previously mentioned cowshit. The Port-O-Potty Guy was their pointman. Who could resist sliding down a huge hill of shit into an industrial waste sludge pond? Even with naked babes shaving their pits? The Who, of course. Goddamn white jump-suit wearing poof Pete Townsend said "Bollocks to one and all, where's my fuckin' money?"
Travis pauses a moment to clear his throat.
Pierce: It is celebrated on August 15-17 starting at 4:20 each day, since that's when Jimsonweed bust. The usual ritual for celebration is to get your entire family and a hukkah with your choice of pipes and to continue to smoke your brains out until the holiday is over. You may do other drugs or huff kittens if you wish, but you must always start with weed, since it was the first drug Jimsonweed made. Naturally, Jimsonweed has 4 reindeer. Willie Nelson was the original reindeer. He has been alive long enough to see when weed was legal. Cheech & Chong are conjoined twins. Chong was actually born 8 years before Cheech, but Cheech was so high as an embryo, it took him 8 years to move. They were the original Harold and Kumar. The third reindeer is Jimi Hendrix, who was the first to experiment with other drugs. He tried so many one time, Jimsonweed granted him the power of unbelievable guitar-playing skills. The final and probably the most important reindeer is Bob Marley. He spread around Rastafarianism and reggae, Jimsonweed's religion and favorite style of music. He was also born on Jimsonweeds' getaway island, Jamaica.
Travis winks at the camera.
Pierce: In the Stockian tradition of the reindeer, WrestleStock too will have a fantastical foursome, in this case a four horsemen that herald the coming of the new era of sports entertainment. They are led by Robert Ooley, who had the foresight to recognize the need for this new era and the professionals that shall lead it. He is followed by Gabrielle Montgomery, the vixen that has pulled the wool over everybody’s eyes, and who at WrestleStock will reveal her true loyalties. The linchpin is Duncan Ryder, whose role at WrestleStock may be subtle, but of tremendous importance, perhaps it all hinges upon him. The icon, of course, the greatest of the heralds, Travis Pierce, who at WrestleStock will complete the transition towards this new era, a transition that began at Day of Reckoning. This new era will leave behind the dinosaurs of the past, people like Phrixus Deimos and Donovan Hastings, and actual dinosaurs like Tyvola.
Travis takes a look around, and slowly approaches the camera.
Pierce: And you should be listening and watching closely, Tyvola, should you have access to a computer screen in whatever gutter you’ve collapsed into for the night. You’ve managed to make this issue between us personal, excessively personal. Your appearance leaves no doubt as to your lack of hygiene, but your actions speak to your shamefully low intellect. While you belong in a cage, my place, my future, is for me to be the greatest entertainer that the world has ever known. You fight because for a living because you have a face for radio, I compete because of the exposure. I am here because it’s time for the world to idolize me. Thanks to you, Tyvola, the plans are on hold. You tried to derail my career before it even began. No matter what WrestleStock has for us, I intend to end yours. I don’t know where you learned to speak, but a week from now when you can’t even do that, know that it was because of what you tried to do to me. Remember, Tyvola, it’s not my fault that the truth…hurts.
Fade out…
x2
