Post by brandonbrown on Jul 25, 2009 21:42:52 GMT -5
(Brandon Brown is seen staring at a wall in a suit.)
A little green man once said, “Anger, fear, aggression. The dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.” Yeah, that was a quote from Yoda from Return of the Jedi. I know what Chris Austin is thinking. Fuck Star Wars. Well, I say fuck you Chris Austin. Star Wars is the shit. Not counting the prequel trilogy. I know what you are thinking. What was the point of the Yoda quote? Well, lately people have been telling me that I’m going down the dark path. They even put me into a mental institution because they thought I was going crazy. Am I going crazy? I just think I’m addicted to a belt. Addicted to being a champion. Does that warrant me going into a loony place. We all are addicted to something. That dude from the X-Files is addicted to sex. Boolz is addicted to Red Bull. Big B is addicted to food. Alex Kizeraggy..ragie…Kissmyassy… how ever the fuck you say his name, he is addicted to dragons…I think. Why weren’t they put into a crazy place? I might have said the belt talked to me but who knows what the fuck is going on in my head. So I’ll ask this question again. Am I going crazy?
(A knock is heard at the door.)
?: Brandon, it’s Cornelius. What are you doing?
Brandon: I’m staring at a wall and talking to myself.
Cornelius: Just like when we were kids.
(Brandon walks out the door to see Cornelius. Cornelius is dressed up in a nice suit also.)
Brandon: How are you feeling? It’s a big day today. You’re getting married.
Cornelius: I’ll admit. I’m nervous. At least I have my best man.
Brandon: I’m just happy to be away from Big B. He gets really annoying.
Cornelius: Yeah, I wonder what he is doing right now.
(Cut to Big B in a movie theater watching The Dark Knight again. Luckily, it’s still being played.)
Big B: That fucking magic trick gets me every time.
(Cut back to Brandon and Cornelius.)
Brandon: I bet he is jacking off.
Cornelius: Probably.
Brandon: It’s actually been a long time seen I’ve been to a wedding. The last one I remember is my brothers.
Cornelius: Yeah, you passed out.
Brandon: These suits are hot. It’s tough to stand up there for that long. Let’s see if you can do it.
Cornelius: I’ll try my best. I don’t want to be a loser who passes out of his wedding day. By the way, how is your brother?
Brandon: Did you not pay attention to the storyline where I haven’t been home in a long time? I have no idea how the fuck he is doing.
Cornelius: Just thought I would ask.
Brandon: That was nice of you. So who are you marrying again?
Cornelius: Your ex-girlfriend’s sister.
Brandon: Right. The sister of that stupid cunt who would rather be in France than with me.
Cornelius: To be fair, you left her first.
Brandon: Shut up, Cornelius. You know in all the time I was dating Kyla, I never once met her sister. Isn’t that weird?
Cornelius: That is weird. It’s probably because she was ironically in France when you were dating Kyla.
Brandon: I guess that runs in the family. How did you meet her?
Cornelius: She was at the hospital a few days after the whole Superkick off the bridge fiasco. I met her and we fell in love.
Brandon: I’m sorry I didn’t know all this stuff. Being away all this time does that to you.
Cornelius: It’s okay.
Brandon: Why did they have us stay down here in the basement of the church? It’s kind of cool actually. They have a guitar, some drums, and holy shit. They have a smoke machine. We must play.
Cornelius: Yes, we must.
(The two other dudes in the wedding show up.)
Dude 1: What are you guys doing?
Brandon: We are about to play with the smoke machine.
Dude 2: Gnarly.
(Brandon, Cornelius, and the other two dudes start rocking out. They turn on the smoke machine and the room is filled with smoke.)
Brandon: Whoa, look at all of this smoke. This is fucking awesome.
(The Wedding Minister walks into the room.)
Minister: Good Heavens. Have you been smoking pot in the church of God?
Brandon: No, there’s a smoke machine down here.
Minister: Gnarly.
(The Minister joins Brandon in the gang and starts rocking out.)
Minister: We are awesome.
Brandon: This smoke machine is the greatest invention ever.
(Nicholas Cage walks into the room.)
Nicholas Cage: Where is my treasure, Brown? Are you guys smoking pot?
Brandon: No, we have a smoke machine.
Nicholas Cage: Gnarly.
(Nicholas Cage also starts rocking out with the gang.)
Nicholas Cage: This is better than treasure.
(Lady walks in.)
Lady: What is taking so long. (She sees the smoke in the room.) You found the smoke machine didn’t you?
All: Yes.
Lady: I’m going to have to ask you guys to go upstairs because we need to start the wedding.
All: (Sad) Okay.
(They head upstairs.)
Minister: Remember to bend your knees. We don’t want anybody to pass out.
Cornelius: Yeah, Brandon.
Brandon: It was one fucking time.
Minister: Mr. Brown, are you cussing in church?
Brandon: Sorry.
(They get into their correct positions and wait.)
Brandon: I have to tell you this Cornelius. In the words of Vince Vaughn from the movie Old School, you have one vagina for the rest of your life.
Cornelius: Been a long time since I have seen that movie.
Brandon: Me too. I like that movie.
(The flower girl and the ring bearer walk down the aisle.)
Brandon: So who are these kids related to?
Cornelius: They are my niece and nephew.
Brandon: I didn’t know you had any siblings.
Cornelius: Don’t you pay attention to anything?
Brandon: What?
Cornelius: Nevermind.
Brandon: I didn’t know you liked Nirvana.
Cornelius: Where do you come up with this shit?
Brandon: What?
Cornelius: Good grief.
Brandon: Gimmick Infringement.
(The bridesmaids come out.)
Brandon: Cornelius, why does that bridesmaid look like Kyla?
Cornelius: Because it is Kyla.
Brandon: I better not be paired with her.
Cornelius: You aren’t. We aren’t that stupid.
Brandon: Good. She does look hot though.
Cornelius: As long as this doesn’t turn into the wedding scene from the movie Wedding Crashers then we should be fine.
Brandon: What would be wrong with that? It worked out for Owen Wilson’s character.
Cornelius: You do make a good point but if you do anything stupid then I will kill you.
Brandon: Please. I had a guy make a timer about when the end of my days would be. You have nothing.
Cornelius: If you have any good in your heart, then you won’t do anything wrong during this weeding.
Brandon: You mean wedding.
Cornelius: I’m nervous.
(Here comes the Bride plays and Cornelius’s bride walks down the aisle.)
Brandon: Kyla’s sister is hot.
Cornelius: That’s my wife you are talking about.
Brandon: You two aren’t married yet.
Cornelius: Shut up.
(Skip a few minutes to the part where the minister asks if anybody objects to the marriage.)
Minister: If anybody believes that they hold reason that these two people should not be wed in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.
(The door busts open and Ben and Fred Savage enter the room.)
Ben Savage: Brandon, we haven’t forgot about the time you and Big B beat us up and drew penises on our faces.
Fred Savage: Yeah.
Brandon: I was trying to teach a message to that Nazi guy.
Ben Savage: Yeah, we know that but we still haven’t forgotten.
Fred Savage: Yeah.
Ben Savage: We will be leaving now.
(The Savages leave.)
Brandon: Wow, anything can happen in the life of Brandon Brown.
Minister: May I continue?
Brandon: Go ahead.
(Minister goes ahead to the I dos.)
Minister: Do you Cornelius take this women to be your wife?
Cornelius: I do.
Minister: Do you Shyla take this man to be your husband?
Shyla: I do.
Minister: Good, I now pronounce you man and wife.
(Dude #1 passes out.)
Brandon: I know how that feels.
Minister: Get some help and you may now kiss the bride.
(They kiss and everybody cheers.)
Brandon: Dude #1, are you okay?
Dude #2: His name is Dave.
Brandon: What’s your name?
Dude #2: Marty.
Brandon: Is your last name McFly by any chance?
Marty: No.
Brandon: Damn.
(We jump ahead to the Wedding Reception.)
Brandon: Cornelius, how does it feel to be married?
Cornelius: You know it feels pretty damn good.
Brandon: Maybe one day I will get married.
Cornelius: Maybe.
Brandon: We can only hope. By the way, I got you a present.
(Brandon hands Cornelius his present. Cornelius opens it.)
Cornelius: You bought me porn.
Brandon: Just in case the honeymoon doesn’t go how you planned, you now have a backup option.
Cornelius: Thanks, I guess.
Brandon: Hey, Shyla is about ready to throw the bouquet.
(Shyla throws it and Kyla catches it.)
Brandon: Cornelius, Kyla caught the bouquet. Maybe I should go talk to her.
Cornelius: I don’t think that would be wise.
Brandon: I must talk to her though.
Cornelius: Why do I sense trouble?
(Brandon walks up to Kyla.)
Brandon: So Kyla, I see you caught the bouquet.
Kyla: Yes, I did.
Brandon: How has France been treating you?
Kyla: Good.
Brandon: Do you like it there?
Kyla: Yeah.
Brandon: That’s good.
Kyla: It sure is.
Brandon: This is awkward.
Kyla: Yep.
(Some French dude comes in and Kyla goes running to him.)
Kyla: I can’t believe you made for my sister’s wedding.
French dude: Well, I missed the wedding but I am here for the reception.
Kyla: I caught the bouquet.
French dude: Good.
Brandon: Who the fuck is this guy?
Kyla: Brandon, this is my new boyfriend.
French dude: Je suis Jacque Pierre.
(Brandon Superkicks Jacque Pierre in the face. Everybody at the Reception lets out a collective gasp.)
Brandon: What? He said he was going to jack my penis off. I had to kick his face in.
Kyla: He said his name was Jacque Pierre.
Brandon: My bad. I never paid attention in French class. Sorry Jacque Pierre.
(Jacque Pierre hasn’t moved.)
Brandon: I think I fractured his jaw. Let me take a look.
Kyla: Just get away from him. You’ve caused enough problems in my life. Just go away.
Brandon: Fine, I’ll go away.
(Brandon walks over to Cornelius.)
Brandon: Why did you let me talk to her?
Cornelius: I don’t know. I told you not to do anything stupid at my wedding.
Brandon: You said weeding earlier and this is the reception. I was obligated to do something stupid. I better go apologize.
Cornelius: Weren’t you listening to her? She doesn’t want to talk to you.
(Brandon walks over to apologize anyway.)
Brandon: Kyla, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to kick him.
Kyla: Brandon, it’s not your fault. I forgive you. I would just like you to go away though.
Brandon: Fine.
(Brandon starts clutching his head. Everything disappears around him. He is surrounded by darkness.)
Brandon: What the hell is going on?
?: You still love her.
Brandon: Who are you?
?: I’m the Global Heavyweight Championship.
Brandon: No, the belt doesn’t talk.
GHC: Yes, I do. You have dropped the ball. You care more about this girl than me. I should be your primary focus. Everything in this world should be second to me. Do you understand me?
Brandon: I understand belt. You are more important to me than a girl who now hates me. Wrestling is what I should be doing. My main objective is to get you back.
GHC: Good. Now sever the ties that bind you to these people.
Brandon: I will do whatever you say.
(Brandon wakes up from a daze.)
Cornelius: Brandon, you were suppose to have passed out during the wedding.
(Brandon just stands up and ignores Cornelius. Kyla walks over to Brandon.)
Kyla: Brandon, are you okay?
(Brandon pushes her out of the way and he spots a recovered Jacque Pierre.)
Brandon: Jacque Pierre, Je parle le francais.
(Brandon Superkicks Jacque Pierre in the face again.)
Brandon: I speak French, motherfucker.
(Everybody stares at Brandon.)
Brandon: I better get the fuck out of here.
(Brandon gets the hell out of dodge.)
I asked the question earlier. Am I crazy? Oh yeah. I’m fucking crazy. Chris Austin and Alex Kiseragaggy, my mission in this match is to make sure that you don’t make it to Battleground. Nothing will get in the way of me regaining my Global Heavyweight Championship. I don’t care if I have to cripple you both in the process. I want my belt back. The belt wants me back.
(Scene fades out,)
A little green man once said, “Anger, fear, aggression. The dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.” Yeah, that was a quote from Yoda from Return of the Jedi. I know what Chris Austin is thinking. Fuck Star Wars. Well, I say fuck you Chris Austin. Star Wars is the shit. Not counting the prequel trilogy. I know what you are thinking. What was the point of the Yoda quote? Well, lately people have been telling me that I’m going down the dark path. They even put me into a mental institution because they thought I was going crazy. Am I going crazy? I just think I’m addicted to a belt. Addicted to being a champion. Does that warrant me going into a loony place. We all are addicted to something. That dude from the X-Files is addicted to sex. Boolz is addicted to Red Bull. Big B is addicted to food. Alex Kizeraggy..ragie…Kissmyassy… how ever the fuck you say his name, he is addicted to dragons…I think. Why weren’t they put into a crazy place? I might have said the belt talked to me but who knows what the fuck is going on in my head. So I’ll ask this question again. Am I going crazy?
(A knock is heard at the door.)
?: Brandon, it’s Cornelius. What are you doing?
Brandon: I’m staring at a wall and talking to myself.
Cornelius: Just like when we were kids.
(Brandon walks out the door to see Cornelius. Cornelius is dressed up in a nice suit also.)
Brandon: How are you feeling? It’s a big day today. You’re getting married.
Cornelius: I’ll admit. I’m nervous. At least I have my best man.
Brandon: I’m just happy to be away from Big B. He gets really annoying.
Cornelius: Yeah, I wonder what he is doing right now.
(Cut to Big B in a movie theater watching The Dark Knight again. Luckily, it’s still being played.)
Big B: That fucking magic trick gets me every time.
(Cut back to Brandon and Cornelius.)
Brandon: I bet he is jacking off.
Cornelius: Probably.
Brandon: It’s actually been a long time seen I’ve been to a wedding. The last one I remember is my brothers.
Cornelius: Yeah, you passed out.
Brandon: These suits are hot. It’s tough to stand up there for that long. Let’s see if you can do it.
Cornelius: I’ll try my best. I don’t want to be a loser who passes out of his wedding day. By the way, how is your brother?
Brandon: Did you not pay attention to the storyline where I haven’t been home in a long time? I have no idea how the fuck he is doing.
Cornelius: Just thought I would ask.
Brandon: That was nice of you. So who are you marrying again?
Cornelius: Your ex-girlfriend’s sister.
Brandon: Right. The sister of that stupid cunt who would rather be in France than with me.
Cornelius: To be fair, you left her first.
Brandon: Shut up, Cornelius. You know in all the time I was dating Kyla, I never once met her sister. Isn’t that weird?
Cornelius: That is weird. It’s probably because she was ironically in France when you were dating Kyla.
Brandon: I guess that runs in the family. How did you meet her?
Cornelius: She was at the hospital a few days after the whole Superkick off the bridge fiasco. I met her and we fell in love.
Brandon: I’m sorry I didn’t know all this stuff. Being away all this time does that to you.
Cornelius: It’s okay.
Brandon: Why did they have us stay down here in the basement of the church? It’s kind of cool actually. They have a guitar, some drums, and holy shit. They have a smoke machine. We must play.
Cornelius: Yes, we must.
(The two other dudes in the wedding show up.)
Dude 1: What are you guys doing?
Brandon: We are about to play with the smoke machine.
Dude 2: Gnarly.
(Brandon, Cornelius, and the other two dudes start rocking out. They turn on the smoke machine and the room is filled with smoke.)
Brandon: Whoa, look at all of this smoke. This is fucking awesome.
(The Wedding Minister walks into the room.)
Minister: Good Heavens. Have you been smoking pot in the church of God?
Brandon: No, there’s a smoke machine down here.
Minister: Gnarly.
(The Minister joins Brandon in the gang and starts rocking out.)
Minister: We are awesome.
Brandon: This smoke machine is the greatest invention ever.
(Nicholas Cage walks into the room.)
Nicholas Cage: Where is my treasure, Brown? Are you guys smoking pot?
Brandon: No, we have a smoke machine.
Nicholas Cage: Gnarly.
(Nicholas Cage also starts rocking out with the gang.)
Nicholas Cage: This is better than treasure.
(Lady walks in.)
Lady: What is taking so long. (She sees the smoke in the room.) You found the smoke machine didn’t you?
All: Yes.
Lady: I’m going to have to ask you guys to go upstairs because we need to start the wedding.
All: (Sad) Okay.
(They head upstairs.)
Minister: Remember to bend your knees. We don’t want anybody to pass out.
Cornelius: Yeah, Brandon.
Brandon: It was one fucking time.
Minister: Mr. Brown, are you cussing in church?
Brandon: Sorry.
(They get into their correct positions and wait.)
Brandon: I have to tell you this Cornelius. In the words of Vince Vaughn from the movie Old School, you have one vagina for the rest of your life.
Cornelius: Been a long time since I have seen that movie.
Brandon: Me too. I like that movie.
(The flower girl and the ring bearer walk down the aisle.)
Brandon: So who are these kids related to?
Cornelius: They are my niece and nephew.
Brandon: I didn’t know you had any siblings.
Cornelius: Don’t you pay attention to anything?
Brandon: What?
Cornelius: Nevermind.
Brandon: I didn’t know you liked Nirvana.
Cornelius: Where do you come up with this shit?
Brandon: What?
Cornelius: Good grief.
Brandon: Gimmick Infringement.
(The bridesmaids come out.)
Brandon: Cornelius, why does that bridesmaid look like Kyla?
Cornelius: Because it is Kyla.
Brandon: I better not be paired with her.
Cornelius: You aren’t. We aren’t that stupid.
Brandon: Good. She does look hot though.
Cornelius: As long as this doesn’t turn into the wedding scene from the movie Wedding Crashers then we should be fine.
Brandon: What would be wrong with that? It worked out for Owen Wilson’s character.
Cornelius: You do make a good point but if you do anything stupid then I will kill you.
Brandon: Please. I had a guy make a timer about when the end of my days would be. You have nothing.
Cornelius: If you have any good in your heart, then you won’t do anything wrong during this weeding.
Brandon: You mean wedding.
Cornelius: I’m nervous.
(Here comes the Bride plays and Cornelius’s bride walks down the aisle.)
Brandon: Kyla’s sister is hot.
Cornelius: That’s my wife you are talking about.
Brandon: You two aren’t married yet.
Cornelius: Shut up.
(Skip a few minutes to the part where the minister asks if anybody objects to the marriage.)
Minister: If anybody believes that they hold reason that these two people should not be wed in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.
(The door busts open and Ben and Fred Savage enter the room.)
Ben Savage: Brandon, we haven’t forgot about the time you and Big B beat us up and drew penises on our faces.
Fred Savage: Yeah.
Brandon: I was trying to teach a message to that Nazi guy.
Ben Savage: Yeah, we know that but we still haven’t forgotten.
Fred Savage: Yeah.
Ben Savage: We will be leaving now.
(The Savages leave.)
Brandon: Wow, anything can happen in the life of Brandon Brown.
Minister: May I continue?
Brandon: Go ahead.
(Minister goes ahead to the I dos.)
Minister: Do you Cornelius take this women to be your wife?
Cornelius: I do.
Minister: Do you Shyla take this man to be your husband?
Shyla: I do.
Minister: Good, I now pronounce you man and wife.
(Dude #1 passes out.)
Brandon: I know how that feels.
Minister: Get some help and you may now kiss the bride.
(They kiss and everybody cheers.)
Brandon: Dude #1, are you okay?
Dude #2: His name is Dave.
Brandon: What’s your name?
Dude #2: Marty.
Brandon: Is your last name McFly by any chance?
Marty: No.
Brandon: Damn.
(We jump ahead to the Wedding Reception.)
Brandon: Cornelius, how does it feel to be married?
Cornelius: You know it feels pretty damn good.
Brandon: Maybe one day I will get married.
Cornelius: Maybe.
Brandon: We can only hope. By the way, I got you a present.
(Brandon hands Cornelius his present. Cornelius opens it.)
Cornelius: You bought me porn.
Brandon: Just in case the honeymoon doesn’t go how you planned, you now have a backup option.
Cornelius: Thanks, I guess.
Brandon: Hey, Shyla is about ready to throw the bouquet.
(Shyla throws it and Kyla catches it.)
Brandon: Cornelius, Kyla caught the bouquet. Maybe I should go talk to her.
Cornelius: I don’t think that would be wise.
Brandon: I must talk to her though.
Cornelius: Why do I sense trouble?
(Brandon walks up to Kyla.)
Brandon: So Kyla, I see you caught the bouquet.
Kyla: Yes, I did.
Brandon: How has France been treating you?
Kyla: Good.
Brandon: Do you like it there?
Kyla: Yeah.
Brandon: That’s good.
Kyla: It sure is.
Brandon: This is awkward.
Kyla: Yep.
(Some French dude comes in and Kyla goes running to him.)
Kyla: I can’t believe you made for my sister’s wedding.
French dude: Well, I missed the wedding but I am here for the reception.
Kyla: I caught the bouquet.
French dude: Good.
Brandon: Who the fuck is this guy?
Kyla: Brandon, this is my new boyfriend.
French dude: Je suis Jacque Pierre.
(Brandon Superkicks Jacque Pierre in the face. Everybody at the Reception lets out a collective gasp.)
Brandon: What? He said he was going to jack my penis off. I had to kick his face in.
Kyla: He said his name was Jacque Pierre.
Brandon: My bad. I never paid attention in French class. Sorry Jacque Pierre.
(Jacque Pierre hasn’t moved.)
Brandon: I think I fractured his jaw. Let me take a look.
Kyla: Just get away from him. You’ve caused enough problems in my life. Just go away.
Brandon: Fine, I’ll go away.
(Brandon walks over to Cornelius.)
Brandon: Why did you let me talk to her?
Cornelius: I don’t know. I told you not to do anything stupid at my wedding.
Brandon: You said weeding earlier and this is the reception. I was obligated to do something stupid. I better go apologize.
Cornelius: Weren’t you listening to her? She doesn’t want to talk to you.
(Brandon walks over to apologize anyway.)
Brandon: Kyla, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to kick him.
Kyla: Brandon, it’s not your fault. I forgive you. I would just like you to go away though.
Brandon: Fine.
(Brandon starts clutching his head. Everything disappears around him. He is surrounded by darkness.)
Brandon: What the hell is going on?
?: You still love her.
Brandon: Who are you?
?: I’m the Global Heavyweight Championship.
Brandon: No, the belt doesn’t talk.
GHC: Yes, I do. You have dropped the ball. You care more about this girl than me. I should be your primary focus. Everything in this world should be second to me. Do you understand me?
Brandon: I understand belt. You are more important to me than a girl who now hates me. Wrestling is what I should be doing. My main objective is to get you back.
GHC: Good. Now sever the ties that bind you to these people.
Brandon: I will do whatever you say.
(Brandon wakes up from a daze.)
Cornelius: Brandon, you were suppose to have passed out during the wedding.
(Brandon just stands up and ignores Cornelius. Kyla walks over to Brandon.)
Kyla: Brandon, are you okay?
(Brandon pushes her out of the way and he spots a recovered Jacque Pierre.)
Brandon: Jacque Pierre, Je parle le francais.
(Brandon Superkicks Jacque Pierre in the face again.)
Brandon: I speak French, motherfucker.
(Everybody stares at Brandon.)
Brandon: I better get the fuck out of here.
(Brandon gets the hell out of dodge.)
I asked the question earlier. Am I crazy? Oh yeah. I’m fucking crazy. Chris Austin and Alex Kiseragaggy, my mission in this match is to make sure that you don’t make it to Battleground. Nothing will get in the way of me regaining my Global Heavyweight Championship. I don’t care if I have to cripple you both in the process. I want my belt back. The belt wants me back.
(Scene fades out,)