Post by Lord Hastings on Jul 27, 2011 8:29:22 GMT -5
Hastings: Right, welcome to your first class.
Donovan is standing in the middle of a make-shift ring in the middle of a backyard. The ring has been constructed by means of driving four long wooden stakes into the ground as ring posts, tied together by jump ropes.
Hastings: Let’s start by taking attendance.
Calypso stands next to him, holding a clipboard.
Calypso: Chris Peterson.
Chris is sitting in a chair on the other side of the ring.
Chris: Really?
Hastings: Mr. Peterson, we demonstrate our attendance by quietly raising our hand.
Calypso: Chris Peterson.
Chris stares at Donovan for a moment before raising his hand. Calypso nods and makes a note on her clipboard.
Calypso: …Chicken Licken.
Chris glances to his left, where a rubber chicken sits on top of a chair.
Calypso: And Declarados is definitely absent.
To Chris’s right is an empty chair.
Hastings: Right, thank you, Mistress T-A.
Calypso steps over a jump rope and exits the ring, taking a seat in a lawn chair and reading her Robert Patterson book.
Hastings: Okay, so let’s get started. I see some talent here, mostly from the chicken, but it’s all workable. We’re going to have to start with some basic concepts, though.
Donovan picks up a megaphone.
Hastings: Owen, bring out Tyvola.
Chris: Tyvola!?
Owen leads Tyvola around the house to the ring, and he steps in.
Chris: Wait, that’s not Tyvola.
Hastings: Of course it is. He’s a homeless bearded guy, how many of them could there be?
NotTyvola: Where’s the hot soup?
Calypso: Ugh, and he smells.
Hastings: See, homeless, bearded, and stinky. Definitely Tyvola.
Calypso: There isn’t enough Oust to fix this.
Hastings: You’re going to need it later anyway, Travis is coming over, picking up Applebee’s on the way.
Calypso: Hrm.
Hastings: Okay, let’s stand up.
Chris slowly gets up.
Hastings: Okay, give him a superkick.
Chris: Who?
Donovan nods towards NotTyvola.
Chris: Whatever.
Chris takes a step back and goes for a superkick, but Donovan intercepts him and floors him with a clothesline.
Donovan picks the megaphone back up.
Hastings: WRONG!
Chris: What the hell?
Hastings: Allow me to demonstrate for you.
Donovan tosses the megaphone aside before walking up to NotTyvola and poking him in the eye. NotTyvola falls down, clutching his face.
NotTyvola: Argh! My eye!
Chris: That’s not a superkick.
Hastings: Why not?
Chris: You just poked him in the eye.
Hastings: Ah, but if I call it “The Superkick” when I do it, then it becomes The Superkick. Yes?
Chris just stares back at him.
Hastings: See, this is the part that you don’t get. Yeah, you can do some chain wrestling, you can do a suplex or two, but you don’t understand presentation. You don’t understand showmanship, and that’s half of this business. You’re just plain vanilla. Perhaps chocolate, in your case.
Chris scowls.
Calypso: Hrm.
Hastings: You need to start with yourself. You come out from backstage, and Dennis Mitchell announces you. Here’s Chris Peterson, whoop-de-fucking-doo. You need a nickname, something with some punch that makes you stand out. Right now, I’m looking at you, all I’m coming up with is…
Donovan picks the megaphone back up.
Hastings: Now introducing…from someplace…The Scrawny Niglet…Chris Peterson!
Donovan tosses the megaphone aside.
Hastings: So let’s consider that a homework assignment, coming up with a new nickname, I’m not sure how far “The Scrawny Niglet” would take you. Your finisher is pretty lame too, the X stuff is particularly uninspired, but one thing at a time, yes?
NotTyvola: I’m feeling better.
Donovan glances at NotTyvola.
NotTyvola: Think I’ll go for a walk.
Donovan picks up the empty chair and waffles NotTyvola with it.
Hastings: Right. Next up, let’s take a look at one of my favorite maneuvers, the We’re Off To See The Shining Wizard…
Donovan is standing in the middle of a make-shift ring in the middle of a backyard. The ring has been constructed by means of driving four long wooden stakes into the ground as ring posts, tied together by jump ropes.
Hastings: Let’s start by taking attendance.
Calypso stands next to him, holding a clipboard.
Calypso: Chris Peterson.
Chris is sitting in a chair on the other side of the ring.
Chris: Really?
Hastings: Mr. Peterson, we demonstrate our attendance by quietly raising our hand.
Calypso: Chris Peterson.
Chris stares at Donovan for a moment before raising his hand. Calypso nods and makes a note on her clipboard.
Calypso: …Chicken Licken.
Chris glances to his left, where a rubber chicken sits on top of a chair.
Calypso: And Declarados is definitely absent.
To Chris’s right is an empty chair.
Hastings: Right, thank you, Mistress T-A.
Calypso steps over a jump rope and exits the ring, taking a seat in a lawn chair and reading her Robert Patterson book.
Hastings: Okay, so let’s get started. I see some talent here, mostly from the chicken, but it’s all workable. We’re going to have to start with some basic concepts, though.
Donovan picks up a megaphone.
Hastings: Owen, bring out Tyvola.
Chris: Tyvola!?
Owen leads Tyvola around the house to the ring, and he steps in.
Chris: Wait, that’s not Tyvola.
Hastings: Of course it is. He’s a homeless bearded guy, how many of them could there be?
NotTyvola: Where’s the hot soup?
Calypso: Ugh, and he smells.
Hastings: See, homeless, bearded, and stinky. Definitely Tyvola.
Calypso: There isn’t enough Oust to fix this.
Hastings: You’re going to need it later anyway, Travis is coming over, picking up Applebee’s on the way.
Calypso: Hrm.
Hastings: Okay, let’s stand up.
Chris slowly gets up.
Hastings: Okay, give him a superkick.
Chris: Who?
Donovan nods towards NotTyvola.
Chris: Whatever.
Chris takes a step back and goes for a superkick, but Donovan intercepts him and floors him with a clothesline.
Donovan picks the megaphone back up.
Hastings: WRONG!
Chris: What the hell?
Hastings: Allow me to demonstrate for you.
Donovan tosses the megaphone aside before walking up to NotTyvola and poking him in the eye. NotTyvola falls down, clutching his face.
NotTyvola: Argh! My eye!
Chris: That’s not a superkick.
Hastings: Why not?
Chris: You just poked him in the eye.
Hastings: Ah, but if I call it “The Superkick” when I do it, then it becomes The Superkick. Yes?
Chris just stares back at him.
Hastings: See, this is the part that you don’t get. Yeah, you can do some chain wrestling, you can do a suplex or two, but you don’t understand presentation. You don’t understand showmanship, and that’s half of this business. You’re just plain vanilla. Perhaps chocolate, in your case.
Chris scowls.
Calypso: Hrm.
Hastings: You need to start with yourself. You come out from backstage, and Dennis Mitchell announces you. Here’s Chris Peterson, whoop-de-fucking-doo. You need a nickname, something with some punch that makes you stand out. Right now, I’m looking at you, all I’m coming up with is…
Donovan picks the megaphone back up.
Hastings: Now introducing…from someplace…The Scrawny Niglet…Chris Peterson!
Donovan tosses the megaphone aside.
Hastings: So let’s consider that a homework assignment, coming up with a new nickname, I’m not sure how far “The Scrawny Niglet” would take you. Your finisher is pretty lame too, the X stuff is particularly uninspired, but one thing at a time, yes?
NotTyvola: I’m feeling better.
Donovan glances at NotTyvola.
NotTyvola: Think I’ll go for a walk.
Donovan picks up the empty chair and waffles NotTyvola with it.
Hastings: Right. Next up, let’s take a look at one of my favorite maneuvers, the We’re Off To See The Shining Wizard…
x2
