Post by Lord Hastings on Aug 16, 2011 20:12:17 GMT -5
We are once again in the middle of a make-shift ring in the middle of a backyard. The ring has been constructed by means of driving four long wooden stakes into the ground as ring posts, tied together by jump ropes.
Hastings: That was very effective teamwork by the three of you last week.
Chris: Uh, thanks.
Hastings: Obviously it just goes to show what a tremendous leader I am, bring the three of you together, this bodes well for next week.
Chris: So what happened to you on Synergy?
Hastings: Ah, grasshopper.
Donovan puts his hand on his student's shoulder.
Hastings: We're not talking about that.
Chris: Where is Grandpa?
Hastings: Owen? On assignment, he's dressing up as Death and knocking on windows in a retirement community.
Chris: What?
Hastings: Okay, so I'm told you debuted the Leg Biter during your match.
Chris: Wait, told? You didn't watch it?
Hastings: Don't be rediculous. Of course not. Now, you've got the Leg Biter down, how about the Flesh Wound? I trust you have that down?
Chris: Um, yes.
Hastings: Demonstrate on Tyvola.
NotTyvola: Where is the nice lady?
Hastings: She went to pick up some Kibbles 'n Bits so we can feed you tonight.
NotTyvola: She's so pretty.
Hastings: NiggaKnight. Flesh Wound. Two seconds ago.
Chris pokes NotTyvola in the eye.
NotTyvola: Augh! My peepers!
Hastings: What the hell was that?
Chris: The Flesh Wound.
Hastings: Don't insult my intelligence. That was the Super Kick.
Chris: Yeah, but if I call it the Flesh Wound, then it's the Flesh Wound.
Donovan smiles and puts his hand on Peterson's shoulder.
Hastings: My dear boy, you learn so fast.
He then gives Chris a light slap on the cheek.
Hastings: But don't gank my moves. That's the Super Kick, and at Outlast I want to see a Flesh Wound, something different. Got it?
Chris: Got it.
Hastings: Good. Now, I have something for you.
Donovan reaches outside the ring and picks up a book, which he hands to Chris.
Chris: What is this?
Hastings: It's my life guide. It lists careful instructions and directions on how to be successful at life. One day I may have to get it published, for people who suck at life. That's down the line though, for now I have to keep the secrets to myself, but I'm going to share it with you, my student, for you to borrow.
Chris: What did you do, tie this together with yarn.
Hastings: Yes, well, Office Depot charges an insane amount.
Chris: It's written in crayon?
Hastings: Crayons are the tool of the immaculate. Moss Edwards tried to give me a pack of colored pencils once. I used them for lawn darts. He was the lawn.
Chris: Okay.
Hastings: Read that for homework. There may or may not be a quiz.
[glow=red,2,300]
The purchase of an acceptable sofa is an intimidating task on its own, but coupled with the prospect of going to an IKEA, this essential life skill can appear to be entirely overwhelming. Fortunately, a simple task analysis of this process can break it down into eight simple steps.
Step 1 - Call Owen at 7:40 a.m. and tell him to come to IKEA with you. It is important to call this early as he will be disoriented and agree to anything, not that he has a choice anyway.
Step 2 - Call Owen again at 8:05 a.m. to check that he got up, because getting to IKEA early is imperative. This twenty-five minute interval will ensure that if he did get up, he is in the shower when you call. Call Owen again at 9:15 a.m. to ask him where he is and tell him to get you a large latte on the way. If he declines, tell him not to be a selfish prick, and it's not like he has a choice anyway.
Step 3 - When Owen arrives, tell him that he will be driving because his car is bigger and you tan better in the passenger seat. This is also the time to inform him that you are buying a sofa and he will need to rent a trailer on the way. Now that Owen is at your place you can get ready at your leisure. As Calypso has just put the clothes you want to wear in the dryer, he will have to wait an hour anyway. Make him useful during this time by having him feed NotTyvola.
Step 4 - On the way to IKEA, complain about Owen's choice in music. Demand a better selection. Make Owen pull over and tune his stereo to your iTrip and play eighties music, such as "Big in Japan" by Alphaville, loud enough so that other cars can hear. Sing the chorus. If you get the words wrong, explain that's the way they are in another version. Insist that Owen now sing this other version.
Step 5 - When you get to IKEA, do not go straight to the sofa section. Follow the path that IKEA has set for you to take, and stop and look at every item. Point out the price and cross-reference every item by comparing it to the IKEA catalog. Remember to stop at every location and consult the "you are here" diagram before proceeding. Inform Owen every two minutes of your exact location by having him mark your journey on the IKEA map with your IKEA pencil.
Step 6 - At the sofa section, sit on every sofa and pretend you are watching television. Make Owen sit next to you and ask him to make you nachos. Also, when Owen is more than five feet away, call out questions such as "What is the foam density of that one?" loud enough for others to hear. Consult with the staff about every couch. Researching sofas on the internet ahead of time will enable to frame warp and fabric weave.
Step 7 - Once you have made your selection, do not leave the store. Purchase a coffee table and a shelf unit and inform Owen he will put them together for you once you get home. Also purchase lamps, glass tea light holders, cutlery, ice cube trays, cushions, stackable boxes, an ironing board cover, and that pillow Calypso liked. Make Owen carry everything and explain that you need your hands free to write on the IKEA product slip with your IKEA pencil.
Step 8 - Before leaving, inform Owen that you would like to try the famous Swedish Meatballs at the IKEA restaurant. If he wants to wait in the car, remind him that you are shopping together, not one person shopping and the other person waiting in the car. Discuss the meatballs on the drive home.[/glow]
You don't quite know what to make of all of this. The past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride to say the least. Between cases of mistaken identity, a forage into the woods with the bearded mountainman of a World Champion, and the bizarre epiphanies of the industry's latest cult, it was a wonder that anybody was able to turn a profit with these sort of people as employees, but then you remember that the target audience include the lowest of the low, society's undesireable and their brethren.
Yet the sum of your experiences paled in comparison to what you are currently confronted with. As imposing as Tyvola is, as terrifying as some people find the Natural Born Killer to be, as creepy as the rituals of Prince Rudo may seem, you know that nothing in this industry may be as unpredictable or as much of a wild card as the man who stands before you now.
He has crossed his arms beneath the sweeping cloak that envelops him. As you look at him, you can't help but be reminded of the parable of the Emperor's New Clothes, not so much in the literal, as he is fully dressed, but rather the remarkable level of self-delusion.
"I've been looking for you everywhere. You're a hard man to find."
You apologize, telling him of the overwhelming amount of preparation and work required by those of your profession in the week leading to an event where every member of the roster has a chance at winning the company's premiere championship. You ask if he would be able to wait a moment, as your camera is not ready to film.
"Nevermind that. I just wanted to take a moment and tell you why I chose the Natural Born Killer to be a part of my team at Outlast. In fact, I could have shown you the entire presentation, but my Niglet is otherwise disposed at the moment."
Suddenly you are more uncomfortable than you have been at any point since you first took this forsaken job, a job you never wanted to begin with. Now the deranged psychopaths that pollute the hallways are apparently willing to talk to you whether you're on the clock or off it. You wonder what misstep you took that this lunatic noticed you.
"They say that the Natural Born Killer is the Most Dangerous Rumor That I've Never Heard. I hear that, and in my mind I see a weapon, a remarkable weapon. Then I think about the match that is before me. You see, to most people, Outlast is an event where they seek to make their mark on the industy. Me? I'm looking for revenge. I'm facing a man whose misdeed are such that it would have been better had he simply spat in my face directly. I don't need to beat him. I need to break him. Then I think, who could do that better than anyone else, and then I realize that there is no better choice than for Donovan Hastings to select the Natural Born Killer to join him, and when we are done, there will be a mark made not only on the industry, but all over Alex Kiseragi's broken body."
He laughs and takes his leave, and the only conclusion you can draw is that you were correct a week ago when you thought that everyone must be on drugs, prescription or otherwise.
At least he didn't call you Woody.
[glow=green,3,300]
Tennis is considered by some to be an exciting game and by others to be a terrifying act of exercise by choice. It was invented in 1976 an involves fun things to do with racquets and balls. You swing the racquet and hit the ball. It is also a terrific spectator sport that allows people to watch other people swinging raacquets and hitting balls, until they launch one into the stands and argue with the line judge about it for ten minutes.
The average tennis match lasts four hours, three of which are spent chasing balls and the fourth of which is spent arguing. The game is easier to play when one understands all aspects of the game.
Scoring - There are only four basic rules to scoring. If Owen hits the shot in, then it is out and you get a point. If Owen hits it out, then you get a point. If at any point Owen asks what the score is, his inability to pay attention means you get three points. If you hit the ball over the fence, it means you have two minutes to relax while Owen retrieves them, and you get two points. A standard scoring sequence consists of "Fifteen love, fifteen all, forty love, I win." It would make more sense if it was the first to four, but it was invented by the British, who only learned to count after XTC released "Senses Working Overtime" in 1982. If Owen questions the accuracy of the score, this means he is cheating. Display disappointment at his inability to be trusted and remind him of the time he wanted you to dress up as a pirate.
Racquet Selection - It does not matter which racquet you select, so long as it is periwinkle blue. It is in fact preferable that it not be a known brand, this way you can blame it for lost points. Reiterate this to Owen by throwing the racquet repeatedly during the match. If the racquet fails to return a shot, stare at it with a look of disdain and question it's heritage. After winning a point, remind Owen that you did so with inferior equipment.
Preparation - Before each game, an injury description should be prepared. It does not to be dependent on the outcome as "You only won because of my broken arm" works just as well as "I beat you even though I have a broken arm."
Serving - Every serve that Owen makes is out. Being closer to the area that the ball lands means that you can see it better, plus he is looking at it from the wrong angle. Every serve that you make is in for the same reason.
Obstruction - Obstruction is an integral part of every tennis match. If Owen makes a shot that you cannot be bothered to attempt to return, announce "Obstruction" and the shot is void and must be played over. It doesn't matter what the obstruction is, a nearby stick or the memory of what NotTyvola left for you in the bathroom this morning will do.
Game Play - A winning shot should be accompanied by a small dance and admonishment of Owen if he fails to agree that it was the greatest athletic feat in the history of sports. A winning shot by Owen should be met with statements such as "The sun was in my eyes" or "Get me a pepsi." If you are losing the game, it is important that Owen understand that it is not because he is playing well, but because you can't be bothered to care.
Game, Set, Match - Convention dictates that players shake hands after the match, unless you have lost, in which case the middle finger is acceptable. If you have won, request another match. If you have lost, due to having a shitty racquet and your arm hurting, demand to be driven home. Sing "Big in Japan" the entire way.[/glow]
Calypso lays on the couch reading her book, as Donovan walks into the room.
Calypso: Were you just in the bathroom?
Hastings: Yes.
Calypso: And, what, the Pad had to take a dump too?
Donovan stares at the iPad in his hand.
Hastings: I like to have something to read while I'm sitting. This is a very big week for me, I need to be prepared.
Calypso: Hrm.
Hastings: This is the moment that has been building for nearly eight months. At Infinity, Kiseragi dared to take from me that which should be all rights have been my birthright, the mantle of being the Lord of the Ring. In a just world, I would have won that tournament, and gone on a month later to take back my championship from the pretender that stole it from me at Horizons. Instead, I was left to chase ghosts while our Pay-Per-Views were headlined by Weekend Update reject and a stone age neanderthal. Then, THEN, just when I am able to get all of our ducks in a row, when the stage is set for me to return to the top, he has the audacity to return. You know who he has pulled from obscurity to fill a spot on his team? William Everknight. You remember him.
Calypso: I do.
Hastings: He was the one we had to convince the Old Bag wasn't a proper champion, back when he-
Calypso: I said I remember him.
Hastings: My point is, we're once again faced with a situation where we lack a proper champion. Tyvola doesn't belong amongst the ranks of World Champions. The only thing legendary about him are his beard and his ability to stay out of prison. I'd have already beaten him at WrestleStock if it wasn't for that self-rightous whore. It's funny, Ooley is frustrated by his Department's inability to reclaim the World Title, yet the reason it's still where it is, is the direct fault of the same person he chose to be his captain this week.
Calypso: She's a bitch, what do you expect?
Hastings: I expect that people have more respect for the history of this event. It is one of the few things I can respect about Deimos, the pedestal on which he places honored achievements. He'll spend this week reminding Fernandez about the time that the Talk himself won the event, nine years ago. He should also remember when I won the event two years ago. Most of this roster still doesn't know what to do with this night. A lot of people are out of their element. I'm the person who knows how to win it.
Calypso has gone back to reading her book.
Calypso: Mm-hm.
Hastings: Perhaps it is fitting that Outlast is being held in the same city where in a few short weeks they'll be holding the DragonCon. When the night is over come Monday, and I am once again the World Heavyweight Champion, they'll want to take a moment to honor the memory of Alex Kiseragi's career. He can attend it in his wheelchair.
Donovan stares at her as she turns a page.
Hastings: Can I have some nachos?
She rolls her eyes and marks her page with a bookmark, before standing, giving him a quick kiss, and walking into the kitchen. Donovan sits down on the couch, staring at the blank screen of the iPad.
Hastings: It doesn't matter who Kiseragi fills those last two spots with. My team is perfect. Chris will do his best for Owen, NBK is a pointed weapon, and Abigail Knight brings the perfect touch of unpredictability. I may not know what to expect from his last two spots, but he doesn't know what to expect from her. As for me, I do know what to expect...and it is inevitable.
Hastings: That was very effective teamwork by the three of you last week.
Chris: Uh, thanks.
Hastings: Obviously it just goes to show what a tremendous leader I am, bring the three of you together, this bodes well for next week.
Chris: So what happened to you on Synergy?
Hastings: Ah, grasshopper.
Donovan puts his hand on his student's shoulder.
Hastings: We're not talking about that.
Chris: Where is Grandpa?
Hastings: Owen? On assignment, he's dressing up as Death and knocking on windows in a retirement community.
Chris: What?
Hastings: Okay, so I'm told you debuted the Leg Biter during your match.
Chris: Wait, told? You didn't watch it?
Hastings: Don't be rediculous. Of course not. Now, you've got the Leg Biter down, how about the Flesh Wound? I trust you have that down?
Chris: Um, yes.
Hastings: Demonstrate on Tyvola.
NotTyvola: Where is the nice lady?
Hastings: She went to pick up some Kibbles 'n Bits so we can feed you tonight.
NotTyvola: She's so pretty.
Hastings: NiggaKnight. Flesh Wound. Two seconds ago.
Chris pokes NotTyvola in the eye.
NotTyvola: Augh! My peepers!
Hastings: What the hell was that?
Chris: The Flesh Wound.
Hastings: Don't insult my intelligence. That was the Super Kick.
Chris: Yeah, but if I call it the Flesh Wound, then it's the Flesh Wound.
Donovan smiles and puts his hand on Peterson's shoulder.
Hastings: My dear boy, you learn so fast.
He then gives Chris a light slap on the cheek.
Hastings: But don't gank my moves. That's the Super Kick, and at Outlast I want to see a Flesh Wound, something different. Got it?
Chris: Got it.
Hastings: Good. Now, I have something for you.
Donovan reaches outside the ring and picks up a book, which he hands to Chris.
Chris: What is this?
Hastings: It's my life guide. It lists careful instructions and directions on how to be successful at life. One day I may have to get it published, for people who suck at life. That's down the line though, for now I have to keep the secrets to myself, but I'm going to share it with you, my student, for you to borrow.
Chris: What did you do, tie this together with yarn.
Hastings: Yes, well, Office Depot charges an insane amount.
Chris: It's written in crayon?
Hastings: Crayons are the tool of the immaculate. Moss Edwards tried to give me a pack of colored pencils once. I used them for lawn darts. He was the lawn.
Chris: Okay.
Hastings: Read that for homework. There may or may not be a quiz.
~
[glow=red,2,300]
Chapter 12 - How to Buy a Sofa at IKEA
The purchase of an acceptable sofa is an intimidating task on its own, but coupled with the prospect of going to an IKEA, this essential life skill can appear to be entirely overwhelming. Fortunately, a simple task analysis of this process can break it down into eight simple steps.
Step 1 - Call Owen at 7:40 a.m. and tell him to come to IKEA with you. It is important to call this early as he will be disoriented and agree to anything, not that he has a choice anyway.
Step 2 - Call Owen again at 8:05 a.m. to check that he got up, because getting to IKEA early is imperative. This twenty-five minute interval will ensure that if he did get up, he is in the shower when you call. Call Owen again at 9:15 a.m. to ask him where he is and tell him to get you a large latte on the way. If he declines, tell him not to be a selfish prick, and it's not like he has a choice anyway.
Step 3 - When Owen arrives, tell him that he will be driving because his car is bigger and you tan better in the passenger seat. This is also the time to inform him that you are buying a sofa and he will need to rent a trailer on the way. Now that Owen is at your place you can get ready at your leisure. As Calypso has just put the clothes you want to wear in the dryer, he will have to wait an hour anyway. Make him useful during this time by having him feed NotTyvola.
Step 4 - On the way to IKEA, complain about Owen's choice in music. Demand a better selection. Make Owen pull over and tune his stereo to your iTrip and play eighties music, such as "Big in Japan" by Alphaville, loud enough so that other cars can hear. Sing the chorus. If you get the words wrong, explain that's the way they are in another version. Insist that Owen now sing this other version.
Step 5 - When you get to IKEA, do not go straight to the sofa section. Follow the path that IKEA has set for you to take, and stop and look at every item. Point out the price and cross-reference every item by comparing it to the IKEA catalog. Remember to stop at every location and consult the "you are here" diagram before proceeding. Inform Owen every two minutes of your exact location by having him mark your journey on the IKEA map with your IKEA pencil.
Step 6 - At the sofa section, sit on every sofa and pretend you are watching television. Make Owen sit next to you and ask him to make you nachos. Also, when Owen is more than five feet away, call out questions such as "What is the foam density of that one?" loud enough for others to hear. Consult with the staff about every couch. Researching sofas on the internet ahead of time will enable to frame warp and fabric weave.
Step 7 - Once you have made your selection, do not leave the store. Purchase a coffee table and a shelf unit and inform Owen he will put them together for you once you get home. Also purchase lamps, glass tea light holders, cutlery, ice cube trays, cushions, stackable boxes, an ironing board cover, and that pillow Calypso liked. Make Owen carry everything and explain that you need your hands free to write on the IKEA product slip with your IKEA pencil.
Step 8 - Before leaving, inform Owen that you would like to try the famous Swedish Meatballs at the IKEA restaurant. If he wants to wait in the car, remind him that you are shopping together, not one person shopping and the other person waiting in the car. Discuss the meatballs on the drive home.[/glow]
~
You don't quite know what to make of all of this. The past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride to say the least. Between cases of mistaken identity, a forage into the woods with the bearded mountainman of a World Champion, and the bizarre epiphanies of the industry's latest cult, it was a wonder that anybody was able to turn a profit with these sort of people as employees, but then you remember that the target audience include the lowest of the low, society's undesireable and their brethren.
Yet the sum of your experiences paled in comparison to what you are currently confronted with. As imposing as Tyvola is, as terrifying as some people find the Natural Born Killer to be, as creepy as the rituals of Prince Rudo may seem, you know that nothing in this industry may be as unpredictable or as much of a wild card as the man who stands before you now.
He has crossed his arms beneath the sweeping cloak that envelops him. As you look at him, you can't help but be reminded of the parable of the Emperor's New Clothes, not so much in the literal, as he is fully dressed, but rather the remarkable level of self-delusion.
"I've been looking for you everywhere. You're a hard man to find."
You apologize, telling him of the overwhelming amount of preparation and work required by those of your profession in the week leading to an event where every member of the roster has a chance at winning the company's premiere championship. You ask if he would be able to wait a moment, as your camera is not ready to film.
"Nevermind that. I just wanted to take a moment and tell you why I chose the Natural Born Killer to be a part of my team at Outlast. In fact, I could have shown you the entire presentation, but my Niglet is otherwise disposed at the moment."
Suddenly you are more uncomfortable than you have been at any point since you first took this forsaken job, a job you never wanted to begin with. Now the deranged psychopaths that pollute the hallways are apparently willing to talk to you whether you're on the clock or off it. You wonder what misstep you took that this lunatic noticed you.
"They say that the Natural Born Killer is the Most Dangerous Rumor That I've Never Heard. I hear that, and in my mind I see a weapon, a remarkable weapon. Then I think about the match that is before me. You see, to most people, Outlast is an event where they seek to make their mark on the industy. Me? I'm looking for revenge. I'm facing a man whose misdeed are such that it would have been better had he simply spat in my face directly. I don't need to beat him. I need to break him. Then I think, who could do that better than anyone else, and then I realize that there is no better choice than for Donovan Hastings to select the Natural Born Killer to join him, and when we are done, there will be a mark made not only on the industry, but all over Alex Kiseragi's broken body."
He laughs and takes his leave, and the only conclusion you can draw is that you were correct a week ago when you thought that everyone must be on drugs, prescription or otherwise.
At least he didn't call you Woody.
~
[glow=green,3,300]
Chapter Theta - How to Play Tennis
Tennis is considered by some to be an exciting game and by others to be a terrifying act of exercise by choice. It was invented in 1976 an involves fun things to do with racquets and balls. You swing the racquet and hit the ball. It is also a terrific spectator sport that allows people to watch other people swinging raacquets and hitting balls, until they launch one into the stands and argue with the line judge about it for ten minutes.
The average tennis match lasts four hours, three of which are spent chasing balls and the fourth of which is spent arguing. The game is easier to play when one understands all aspects of the game.
Scoring - There are only four basic rules to scoring. If Owen hits the shot in, then it is out and you get a point. If Owen hits it out, then you get a point. If at any point Owen asks what the score is, his inability to pay attention means you get three points. If you hit the ball over the fence, it means you have two minutes to relax while Owen retrieves them, and you get two points. A standard scoring sequence consists of "Fifteen love, fifteen all, forty love, I win." It would make more sense if it was the first to four, but it was invented by the British, who only learned to count after XTC released "Senses Working Overtime" in 1982. If Owen questions the accuracy of the score, this means he is cheating. Display disappointment at his inability to be trusted and remind him of the time he wanted you to dress up as a pirate.
Racquet Selection - It does not matter which racquet you select, so long as it is periwinkle blue. It is in fact preferable that it not be a known brand, this way you can blame it for lost points. Reiterate this to Owen by throwing the racquet repeatedly during the match. If the racquet fails to return a shot, stare at it with a look of disdain and question it's heritage. After winning a point, remind Owen that you did so with inferior equipment.
Preparation - Before each game, an injury description should be prepared. It does not to be dependent on the outcome as "You only won because of my broken arm" works just as well as "I beat you even though I have a broken arm."
Serving - Every serve that Owen makes is out. Being closer to the area that the ball lands means that you can see it better, plus he is looking at it from the wrong angle. Every serve that you make is in for the same reason.
Obstruction - Obstruction is an integral part of every tennis match. If Owen makes a shot that you cannot be bothered to attempt to return, announce "Obstruction" and the shot is void and must be played over. It doesn't matter what the obstruction is, a nearby stick or the memory of what NotTyvola left for you in the bathroom this morning will do.
Game Play - A winning shot should be accompanied by a small dance and admonishment of Owen if he fails to agree that it was the greatest athletic feat in the history of sports. A winning shot by Owen should be met with statements such as "The sun was in my eyes" or "Get me a pepsi." If you are losing the game, it is important that Owen understand that it is not because he is playing well, but because you can't be bothered to care.
Game, Set, Match - Convention dictates that players shake hands after the match, unless you have lost, in which case the middle finger is acceptable. If you have won, request another match. If you have lost, due to having a shitty racquet and your arm hurting, demand to be driven home. Sing "Big in Japan" the entire way.[/glow]
~
Calypso lays on the couch reading her book, as Donovan walks into the room.
Calypso: Were you just in the bathroom?
Hastings: Yes.
Calypso: And, what, the Pad had to take a dump too?
Donovan stares at the iPad in his hand.
Hastings: I like to have something to read while I'm sitting. This is a very big week for me, I need to be prepared.
Calypso: Hrm.
Hastings: This is the moment that has been building for nearly eight months. At Infinity, Kiseragi dared to take from me that which should be all rights have been my birthright, the mantle of being the Lord of the Ring. In a just world, I would have won that tournament, and gone on a month later to take back my championship from the pretender that stole it from me at Horizons. Instead, I was left to chase ghosts while our Pay-Per-Views were headlined by Weekend Update reject and a stone age neanderthal. Then, THEN, just when I am able to get all of our ducks in a row, when the stage is set for me to return to the top, he has the audacity to return. You know who he has pulled from obscurity to fill a spot on his team? William Everknight. You remember him.
Calypso: I do.
Hastings: He was the one we had to convince the Old Bag wasn't a proper champion, back when he-
Calypso: I said I remember him.
Hastings: My point is, we're once again faced with a situation where we lack a proper champion. Tyvola doesn't belong amongst the ranks of World Champions. The only thing legendary about him are his beard and his ability to stay out of prison. I'd have already beaten him at WrestleStock if it wasn't for that self-rightous whore. It's funny, Ooley is frustrated by his Department's inability to reclaim the World Title, yet the reason it's still where it is, is the direct fault of the same person he chose to be his captain this week.
Calypso: She's a bitch, what do you expect?
Hastings: I expect that people have more respect for the history of this event. It is one of the few things I can respect about Deimos, the pedestal on which he places honored achievements. He'll spend this week reminding Fernandez about the time that the Talk himself won the event, nine years ago. He should also remember when I won the event two years ago. Most of this roster still doesn't know what to do with this night. A lot of people are out of their element. I'm the person who knows how to win it.
Calypso has gone back to reading her book.
Calypso: Mm-hm.
Hastings: Perhaps it is fitting that Outlast is being held in the same city where in a few short weeks they'll be holding the DragonCon. When the night is over come Monday, and I am once again the World Heavyweight Champion, they'll want to take a moment to honor the memory of Alex Kiseragi's career. He can attend it in his wheelchair.
Donovan stares at her as she turns a page.
Hastings: Can I have some nachos?
She rolls her eyes and marks her page with a bookmark, before standing, giving him a quick kiss, and walking into the kitchen. Donovan sits down on the couch, staring at the blank screen of the iPad.
Hastings: It doesn't matter who Kiseragi fills those last two spots with. My team is perfect. Chris will do his best for Owen, NBK is a pointed weapon, and Abigail Knight brings the perfect touch of unpredictability. I may not know what to expect from his last two spots, but he doesn't know what to expect from her. As for me, I do know what to expect...and it is inevitable.
