Post by Lord Hastings on Sept 30, 2011 12:58:22 GMT -5
Chris: Grandpa says you used your purse to set me up in a Cooperative Title match.
Hastings: Sometimes your grandfather talks too much.
We are once again in the middle of a make-shift ring in the middle of a backyard. The ring has been constructed by means of driving four long wooden stakes into the ground as ring posts, tied together by jump ropes.
Chris: I just wanted to say that-
Hastings: Listen, NiggaKnight, if you hope to have a shot in this match, you're going to have to brush up on your cooperative talents. There are some real keys to teamwork. A lot of is it timing. Knowing when to do things.
Calypso: Like when to step off the apron and leave your partner high and dry.
Donovan glares at Calypso as she sits on the outside of the ring in her chair, flipping through her "Restoration Hardware" catalog.
Hastings: Close. That's how you cooperate with a douchebag. But one trick for when you actually care to win is thus. Stand on the outside. Owen? We need you.
Chris goes and stands next to one turnbuckle. NotTyvola already stands in the opposite corner. Owen puts down a weedwacker and comes into the ring.
Hastings: Now, Tyvola over there is on the other team, I'm in the ring for us, and I'm totally crapping all over Tyvola's partner, Chicken Licken.
Donovan drops the rubber chicken on the ground and drops an elbow on it.
Chris: Did you just pull that out of your pants?
Hastings: Nevermind that. So we've got Chicken Licken down, now I do this.
Donovan towards NotTyvola and smacks him in the face, knocking NotTyvola backwards into a bush.
NotTyvola: Augh!
Donovan stares at him as he tries to get his arm unstuck from the thornbush.
Hastings: Okay, so normally the guy out there won't be so much of a pussy, and they'll try to come hit me back. Except that's not allowed, they aren't legally in the match, therefore...
Owen rushes over and pretends to obstruct a person's entrance into the ring.
Hastings: Now YOU come into the ring.
Chris comes back in.
Hastings: We do a little double-teaming, throw in one of these.
Donovan loudly claps his hands over his head.
Owen: That's a tag!
Chris: How does he call for a tag with his back to us?
Owen: Because I heard it.
Hastings: Because referees are dumb. So meanwhile we're double-teaming Chicken Licken.[/color
Chris: Um...
Hastings: PICK HIS ASS UP!!!
Chris quickly picks up the rubber chicken and holds it in front of him.
Hastings: SUPERKICK!!
Chris flinches, causing Donovan to miss the chicken entirely and poke Chris in the eye.
Chris: Gah!
Chris falls to the ground, holding his eye. Donovan crouches next to him.
Hastings: Tell me, have you been doing your reading homework?
[glow=green,2,300]
Surprising, some people enjoying being away from civilization for an extended period time and instead chose to intentionally be someplace where their Smartphone does not work. This is a dangerous endeavour, particularly since there is a chance of encountering a bear or Tyvola. If you hate yourself enough to go camping, be certain to follow the following procedure.
Step 1 - Call Owen at 11 pm and tell him you want to go camping the next day. Dictate a list of items you require him to prepare by the next morning, including a tent and all supplies. If Owen asks any questions, become exasperated and explain to him that camping is about enjoying the great outdoors, each other's company, and sneak attacking Tyvola, not about going halves for groceries and gas money.
Step 2 - Call Owen at 6:45 am to add "Donuts to eat on the trip" to the list.
Step 3 - Once Owen arrives to pick you up, read out the list and make Owen say the word "check" after each item because that is how they do it on television and "yep" is not a real word, much like "oolah." Add "pocket mirror" to the list, berating Owen for not having the common sense to include this should you need to signal planes in the case of a zombie apocalypse. Quote Lord Baden-Powell's "Be Prepared" a minimum of four times. Before leaving, try on several combinations of cargo pants with baseball caps and ask Owen if they match your cloak. If Owen states, "that looks fine," explain to him that you were just testing him and he failed, as you would never wear a green baseball cap with beige cargo pants with a purple cloak out in public. If he mentions nobody else will be at the campsite to see the outfit, remind him about Tyvola and also explain that you will be taking a digital camera and will not be posting photos on Facebook of you wearing a green baseball cap with beige cargo pants and a purple cloak.
Step 4 - Instruct Owen to take your bags out to the car while you check your e-mail before leaving. Explain the importance of working together and good time management. Once you have left, instruct Owen to pull into a gas station to purchase AAA batteries and different donuts to eat on the trip, as you only like the ones with vanilla cream or sprinkled with coconut bits. When Owen returns to the car, go into the gas station to purchase donuts yourself after stating that it should have been obvious you did not mean Oreo's, and if you had, they should have been double stuffed. While inside, also use Owen's credit card to purchase Billy Idol's greatest hits CD to listen to on the way because you like the song "Yell Like a Rebel."
Step 5 - During the four-hour drive to the campsite, instruct Owen to pull over every fourty-five minutes so you can take a piss behind a tree. Remind Owen that this is marking your territory in order to intimidate Tyvola. It is important to do this when they only tree is several hundred yards away in a field. While urinating, peer around the tree at Owen sitting in the car and watch out for zombies. For the remainder of the drive, list words that lose all meaning when you say them fifty times such as "yolk," warn Owen to watch out for zombies every ten minutes, and play Billy Idol's greatest hits on loop while stating "Oooh, I remember this one," at the beginning of each song. Read out each road sign as you pass it, and when it is a speed limit sign, lean across to glance at the speedometer.
Step 6 - Upon arrival, unpack on a chair to set in while Owen sets up camp. Point out what he could do to streamline the procedure. Instruct Owen to fetch your bag as you did not realize the tent was the same color as your cargo pants and you wish to change. Explain that if you are photographed with the tent in the background it will look as though you have no legs. Admonish Owen for purchasing AAA batteries when the digital camera only takes AA. Inform Owen that AA and AAA are the correct terms and only people who drives pick-up trucks call them "Double A" and "Triple A."
Step 7 - After sitting in the chair for an hour, inform Owen that you are bored. If Owen suggest hiking or any other activity that requires leaving the chair, state that you are there to relax before a big match, not partake in extreme sports.
Step 8 - While Owen collects firewood to cook dinner, call out instructions regarding the size, type, and density of the wood required. As Owen is constructing the fire, point out the fundamental errors of his system and state that it is not the way you have seen it done on Survivor. Pretend to vote Owen off the island before explaining the tee-pee method of stick formation and its air circulation and flame consistancy benefits. Once the fire is established, describe in detail how you prefer your sausages to be cooked, using pieces of bark as color swatches to indicate the hue required. Dinner dinner, calculate the ratio of burned to unburned sausages and evaluate Owen's ability to follow basic instructions at 17 percent. After dinner, state that it is a requirement while camping to sing songs around the fire. When Owen declines, sing tracks from Billy Idol's greatest hits alternating with "Big in Japan." After asking Owen if he thinks your hair would look good modeled like Billy Idol's, point out his obvious lack of fashion sense and use the green cap and beige pants as an example. In case of zombie apocalypse, pretend to eat Owen.
Step 9 - Declare that you are tired and wish to go to bed. If Owen replies that he will sit by the fire for a while, inform him that you are camping together and to douse the fire with a bucket of water. Once in the tent, inform Owen that he is on Tyvola watch and must stand guard outside in the dark. Remind Owen that he cannot relight the fire as it may attract Tyvola or zombies. While Owen is outside the tent but can still hear, complain about not being able to sleep and describe how uncomfortable you are and what you are missing on television, and hum tracks from Billy Idol's greatest hits CD.
Step 10 - Wake Owen at 1 am and inform him that he is still on Tyvola watch. Ask him to make a bow and arrow and list the protection and hunting benefits of such. If Owen states that it is the middle of the night and there is no string for the bows, inform him that clocks are not a part of camping and quote Lord Baden-Powell in regard to the string. Take this opportunity to point out a small hole in the tent and ask Owen if he thinks it is large enough fro spiders to get through. Describe in depth a program you saw on Discovery Channel about wasps laying eggs in spiders.
Step 11 - Wake Owen at 1:30 am and ask if he thinks the hole is large enough for wasps to get through.
Step 12 - Wake Owen at 2:00 am and tell him how impressed you are that he keeps falling asleep on the rock outside the tent, but he is still on Tyvola watch and needs to wake the fuck up. Inform him that you just remembered you saw some dust bunnies behind the couch and that you must both drive back immediately so that Owen can Swift it before Calypso notices. State that on the plus side, you just remembered that the Charlie's Angels remake has started airing and you have it on Tivo so while Owen swifts you can watch it. List shows from the seventies and eighties that you think should be redone for today's audience while Owen packs up the camp.
Step 13 - During the drive back, insinuate continously that the Billy Idol CD has gone missing on purpose. Compenstate by repeatedly singing "Big In Japan."[/glow]
Donovan is laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. Next to him, Calypso still sits up, playing a game on her iPad.
Calypso: Is the light bothering you?
Hastings: No, just thinking.
Calypso: Don't hurt yourself.
Hastings: Funny.
He rolls onto his side, his back to her. She watches him for a moment, and turns off the pad and lays next to him, putting her arm around him.
Calypso: What's on your mind?
Donovan is silent for a few moments.
Hastings: Battleground being days away means we're coming up on another Horizons, and I realize now that I have very little to show for this year. I've spent most of it caught up in some meaningless crap or another, and it's caused me to miss out on opportunity after opportunity. Both WrestleStock and Outlast were nights that should have rightfully ended with me finally winning back the World Heavyweight Championship. Instead, both times I was the last to fall to Tyvola, and it was a lack of focus on my own part. This match, one-on-one, it's been a long time coming.
Calypso: So this is your chance to make it all right.
Hastings: It's funny, these past two years, I was Horizons. I won the World Heavyweight Title, and I lost the World Heavyweight Title. Back when we started out in this industry, I wanted to make a name for myself that would live forever, make myself a legend. We've done that. Yet now I'm staring to feel like an afterthought, like I'm somehow fading from relevance. It has to stop. I need to beat this man.
Calypso: You can.
Hastings: I know I can, I just need to go out there and do it. No matter the cost, when people watch Horizons this year, it's going to be because they need to see what Donovan Hastings is going to do, they know it is a can't-miss event beacuse they know what I'm capable of. For three years now, I've been a part of the moment that people remember at Horizons. This year, I'll be that moment again. It's inevitable.
Hastings: Sometimes your grandfather talks too much.
We are once again in the middle of a make-shift ring in the middle of a backyard. The ring has been constructed by means of driving four long wooden stakes into the ground as ring posts, tied together by jump ropes.
Chris: I just wanted to say that-
Hastings: Listen, NiggaKnight, if you hope to have a shot in this match, you're going to have to brush up on your cooperative talents. There are some real keys to teamwork. A lot of is it timing. Knowing when to do things.
Calypso: Like when to step off the apron and leave your partner high and dry.
Donovan glares at Calypso as she sits on the outside of the ring in her chair, flipping through her "Restoration Hardware" catalog.
Hastings: Close. That's how you cooperate with a douchebag. But one trick for when you actually care to win is thus. Stand on the outside. Owen? We need you.
Chris goes and stands next to one turnbuckle. NotTyvola already stands in the opposite corner. Owen puts down a weedwacker and comes into the ring.
Hastings: Now, Tyvola over there is on the other team, I'm in the ring for us, and I'm totally crapping all over Tyvola's partner, Chicken Licken.
Donovan drops the rubber chicken on the ground and drops an elbow on it.
Chris: Did you just pull that out of your pants?
Hastings: Nevermind that. So we've got Chicken Licken down, now I do this.
Donovan towards NotTyvola and smacks him in the face, knocking NotTyvola backwards into a bush.
NotTyvola: Augh!
Donovan stares at him as he tries to get his arm unstuck from the thornbush.
Hastings: Okay, so normally the guy out there won't be so much of a pussy, and they'll try to come hit me back. Except that's not allowed, they aren't legally in the match, therefore...
Owen rushes over and pretends to obstruct a person's entrance into the ring.
Hastings: Now YOU come into the ring.
Chris comes back in.
Hastings: We do a little double-teaming, throw in one of these.
Donovan loudly claps his hands over his head.
Owen: That's a tag!
Chris: How does he call for a tag with his back to us?
Owen: Because I heard it.
Hastings: Because referees are dumb. So meanwhile we're double-teaming Chicken Licken.[/color
Chris: Um...
Hastings: PICK HIS ASS UP!!!
Chris quickly picks up the rubber chicken and holds it in front of him.
Hastings: SUPERKICK!!
Chris flinches, causing Donovan to miss the chicken entirely and poke Chris in the eye.
Chris: Gah!
Chris falls to the ground, holding his eye. Donovan crouches next to him.
Hastings: Tell me, have you been doing your reading homework?
~
[glow=green,2,300]
Chapter Z - How to go Camping
Surprising, some people enjoying being away from civilization for an extended period time and instead chose to intentionally be someplace where their Smartphone does not work. This is a dangerous endeavour, particularly since there is a chance of encountering a bear or Tyvola. If you hate yourself enough to go camping, be certain to follow the following procedure.
Step 1 - Call Owen at 11 pm and tell him you want to go camping the next day. Dictate a list of items you require him to prepare by the next morning, including a tent and all supplies. If Owen asks any questions, become exasperated and explain to him that camping is about enjoying the great outdoors, each other's company, and sneak attacking Tyvola, not about going halves for groceries and gas money.
Step 2 - Call Owen at 6:45 am to add "Donuts to eat on the trip" to the list.
Step 3 - Once Owen arrives to pick you up, read out the list and make Owen say the word "check" after each item because that is how they do it on television and "yep" is not a real word, much like "oolah." Add "pocket mirror" to the list, berating Owen for not having the common sense to include this should you need to signal planes in the case of a zombie apocalypse. Quote Lord Baden-Powell's "Be Prepared" a minimum of four times. Before leaving, try on several combinations of cargo pants with baseball caps and ask Owen if they match your cloak. If Owen states, "that looks fine," explain to him that you were just testing him and he failed, as you would never wear a green baseball cap with beige cargo pants with a purple cloak out in public. If he mentions nobody else will be at the campsite to see the outfit, remind him about Tyvola and also explain that you will be taking a digital camera and will not be posting photos on Facebook of you wearing a green baseball cap with beige cargo pants and a purple cloak.
Step 4 - Instruct Owen to take your bags out to the car while you check your e-mail before leaving. Explain the importance of working together and good time management. Once you have left, instruct Owen to pull into a gas station to purchase AAA batteries and different donuts to eat on the trip, as you only like the ones with vanilla cream or sprinkled with coconut bits. When Owen returns to the car, go into the gas station to purchase donuts yourself after stating that it should have been obvious you did not mean Oreo's, and if you had, they should have been double stuffed. While inside, also use Owen's credit card to purchase Billy Idol's greatest hits CD to listen to on the way because you like the song "Yell Like a Rebel."
Step 5 - During the four-hour drive to the campsite, instruct Owen to pull over every fourty-five minutes so you can take a piss behind a tree. Remind Owen that this is marking your territory in order to intimidate Tyvola. It is important to do this when they only tree is several hundred yards away in a field. While urinating, peer around the tree at Owen sitting in the car and watch out for zombies. For the remainder of the drive, list words that lose all meaning when you say them fifty times such as "yolk," warn Owen to watch out for zombies every ten minutes, and play Billy Idol's greatest hits on loop while stating "Oooh, I remember this one," at the beginning of each song. Read out each road sign as you pass it, and when it is a speed limit sign, lean across to glance at the speedometer.
Step 6 - Upon arrival, unpack on a chair to set in while Owen sets up camp. Point out what he could do to streamline the procedure. Instruct Owen to fetch your bag as you did not realize the tent was the same color as your cargo pants and you wish to change. Explain that if you are photographed with the tent in the background it will look as though you have no legs. Admonish Owen for purchasing AAA batteries when the digital camera only takes AA. Inform Owen that AA and AAA are the correct terms and only people who drives pick-up trucks call them "Double A" and "Triple A."
Step 7 - After sitting in the chair for an hour, inform Owen that you are bored. If Owen suggest hiking or any other activity that requires leaving the chair, state that you are there to relax before a big match, not partake in extreme sports.
Step 8 - While Owen collects firewood to cook dinner, call out instructions regarding the size, type, and density of the wood required. As Owen is constructing the fire, point out the fundamental errors of his system and state that it is not the way you have seen it done on Survivor. Pretend to vote Owen off the island before explaining the tee-pee method of stick formation and its air circulation and flame consistancy benefits. Once the fire is established, describe in detail how you prefer your sausages to be cooked, using pieces of bark as color swatches to indicate the hue required. Dinner dinner, calculate the ratio of burned to unburned sausages and evaluate Owen's ability to follow basic instructions at 17 percent. After dinner, state that it is a requirement while camping to sing songs around the fire. When Owen declines, sing tracks from Billy Idol's greatest hits alternating with "Big in Japan." After asking Owen if he thinks your hair would look good modeled like Billy Idol's, point out his obvious lack of fashion sense and use the green cap and beige pants as an example. In case of zombie apocalypse, pretend to eat Owen.
Step 9 - Declare that you are tired and wish to go to bed. If Owen replies that he will sit by the fire for a while, inform him that you are camping together and to douse the fire with a bucket of water. Once in the tent, inform Owen that he is on Tyvola watch and must stand guard outside in the dark. Remind Owen that he cannot relight the fire as it may attract Tyvola or zombies. While Owen is outside the tent but can still hear, complain about not being able to sleep and describe how uncomfortable you are and what you are missing on television, and hum tracks from Billy Idol's greatest hits CD.
Step 10 - Wake Owen at 1 am and inform him that he is still on Tyvola watch. Ask him to make a bow and arrow and list the protection and hunting benefits of such. If Owen states that it is the middle of the night and there is no string for the bows, inform him that clocks are not a part of camping and quote Lord Baden-Powell in regard to the string. Take this opportunity to point out a small hole in the tent and ask Owen if he thinks it is large enough fro spiders to get through. Describe in depth a program you saw on Discovery Channel about wasps laying eggs in spiders.
Step 11 - Wake Owen at 1:30 am and ask if he thinks the hole is large enough for wasps to get through.
Step 12 - Wake Owen at 2:00 am and tell him how impressed you are that he keeps falling asleep on the rock outside the tent, but he is still on Tyvola watch and needs to wake the fuck up. Inform him that you just remembered you saw some dust bunnies behind the couch and that you must both drive back immediately so that Owen can Swift it before Calypso notices. State that on the plus side, you just remembered that the Charlie's Angels remake has started airing and you have it on Tivo so while Owen swifts you can watch it. List shows from the seventies and eighties that you think should be redone for today's audience while Owen packs up the camp.
Step 13 - During the drive back, insinuate continously that the Billy Idol CD has gone missing on purpose. Compenstate by repeatedly singing "Big In Japan."[/glow]
~
Donovan is laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. Next to him, Calypso still sits up, playing a game on her iPad.
Calypso: Is the light bothering you?
Hastings: No, just thinking.
Calypso: Don't hurt yourself.
Hastings: Funny.
He rolls onto his side, his back to her. She watches him for a moment, and turns off the pad and lays next to him, putting her arm around him.
Calypso: What's on your mind?
Donovan is silent for a few moments.
Hastings: Battleground being days away means we're coming up on another Horizons, and I realize now that I have very little to show for this year. I've spent most of it caught up in some meaningless crap or another, and it's caused me to miss out on opportunity after opportunity. Both WrestleStock and Outlast were nights that should have rightfully ended with me finally winning back the World Heavyweight Championship. Instead, both times I was the last to fall to Tyvola, and it was a lack of focus on my own part. This match, one-on-one, it's been a long time coming.
Calypso: So this is your chance to make it all right.
Hastings: It's funny, these past two years, I was Horizons. I won the World Heavyweight Title, and I lost the World Heavyweight Title. Back when we started out in this industry, I wanted to make a name for myself that would live forever, make myself a legend. We've done that. Yet now I'm staring to feel like an afterthought, like I'm somehow fading from relevance. It has to stop. I need to beat this man.
Calypso: You can.
Hastings: I know I can, I just need to go out there and do it. No matter the cost, when people watch Horizons this year, it's going to be because they need to see what Donovan Hastings is going to do, they know it is a can't-miss event beacuse they know what I'm capable of. For three years now, I've been a part of the moment that people remember at Horizons. This year, I'll be that moment again. It's inevitable.
