Post by Travis Pierce on Dec 2, 2011 16:46:05 GMT -5
We see a darkened set, with silhouettes visible of a table with a couch alongside it. A voiceover is heard from Rob Cartwright.
Cartwright: Ladies and gentlemen, the host of The Piercing Truth, you know his name, TRAVIS PIERCE!
“You Know My Name” by Chris Cornell begins to play, and the lights come on to show a chair sitting backwards behind the desk. A monitor behind the chair shows the logo for The Piercing Truth. The chair spins around to reveal Travis himself. Pierce looks directly at the camera.
Pierce:Good evening, and welcome to The Piercing Truth! My name is Travis Pierce, as always your host for the evening, and I'd like to again welcome you to the RETURN of The Piercing Truth, a brand new Truth, here on our obscenely expensively overhauled set. It's that time of the year, kids, the biggest show is upon us, and what better way to get you there then some old time truthin'. Take a look, out at the Horizons...and see some top stories!
Pierce switches to Camera B.
Pierce: Terrorist group Al-Qaida has issued eight ransom demands that must be met for the safe return of an inprisoned seventy-year-old United States citizen they claim to hold, of which there is no actual proof. It is much like how Enigma claims to have a personality, Ethan King claims to have some talent, and the Natural Born Killer claims to still participate.
Pierce switches to Camera C.
Pierce: That's right, bitches. Camera C. Told you we pulled out all the stops. Anywho, a pig that was born without any hind legs has shown remarkable and amazing coordination recently by hoisting his entire body, much like a gymnist. Certain unnamed people were so astounded by the achievement that they signed him to a contract, slapped a mask on him, and he went and won the Cross-Hemisphere Championship.
Pierce switches to Camera A.
Pierce: Owners of the Chevy Volt have been alarmed to discover that the cords of the vehicle have been found to overheat and melt while plugged in. Similarly, there has been some alarm amongst the UGWC fan base that somebody like Marek Daisuke might escape Horizons with the ten million dollar purse intended for Travis Pierce. To those people, may I remind you that last year I beat seven people whose collective talent certainly exceeded what I'm up against this year. Just sayin'.
Pierce switches to Camera B.
Pierce: We'll be right back with a special guest, after a quick word from our sponsor.
Cut to commercial.
"You Know My Name" plays us back in as we see Travis behind his desk.
Pierce: Welcome back, and boy, do we have a treat for you. Ladies and gentlemen, what better way to mark our thrilling return here on The Piercing Truth than with our most piercing guest. He is a proud member of the Human Resources Department, one half of the Piercing Weapons, the next World Heavyweight Champion, and a Pisces, please welcome...JET SOMERS!
An orchestrated instrumental of "Everybody Down" plays as Jet comes out and takes a seat on the couch.
Pierce: Welcome to the show!
Somers: It's good to be back, after all this time, on the most entertaining show on the internet!
Pierce: Can you believe another Horizons is upon us?
Somers: I can barely remember last year, what with getting shot and all... has it been that long?
Pierce: Feels like only yesterday that I won the Carnage Match and that huge purse, you won the World Heavyweight Championship, then I won it from you...
Somers: After I defended it against you three times in one night...
They share a good laugh.
Pierce: I really have to tell you, this year has been a blast. You and I have gone all the way and back, and it really feels like things have come full circle now, wouldn't you say?
Somers: The only way this Horizons would make more sense is to have the two of us in a straight up match for every singles championship available and then have Duncan just be the Cooperative Champion by himself.
Pierce: Well this year is simply all about bigger and better, and the piercing truth is I'm not quite sure yet what I'm going to do with my ten million this year, but you know damn well it'll be entertaining as hell.
Somers: Could ten million buy the bigger better Horizons I just mentioned? I doubt if the world could handle the Human Resource Department in full control, though. Look how everyone is falling apart at the foothold we've got already. Maybe ten million could lock the soon-to-be-former Champion rapist away for good?
Pierce: I'm with you there, buddy. Speaking of Tyvola, our Research Department did some investigative reporting, and they were able to provide us with this simulated video of what Tyvola might look like if you took a weed wacker to all that hair.
They both turn to look at the monitor.
They turn back to face each other.
Pierce: Heavy stuff, don't you think? Find that intimidating at all?
Somers: The only thing intimidating about that is that someone somewhere had to watch all fifteen minutes of that in order to put it together.
Pierce: Not to take us off subject, but have you taken a look at this?
Travis pulls Johnny Blake's journal out from behind the desk and holds it up.
Somers: Oh god, if I wanted to read something a crybaby wrote, I'd read Gabby's journal. If I wanted to catch an STD just from touching something, that is.
Pierce: I know, right?
Travis tosses it aside.
Pierce: And now, the return of a popular part of our interview, A Piercing Question From the Fans. We have a question submitted to us online and selected at random, you ready?
Somers: This was always my favorite part.
Travis pulls out a card and reads it.
Pierce: I sold my only car to help pay for gas money, but now gas has come back down in price. How do I get my car back?
Somers: Well, Dr. Lieberjosch, maybe you should auction off your seat at Horizons during one of our matches, take that down to the horsetrack, and win enough to buy yourself some damn dignity?
Pierce: That's deep, I wouldn't have thought of that. You know what? This is Horizons. I think we need a double-dose.
Somers: Do it.
Travis pulls out a second card.
Pierce: I ate a plastic sandwich bag to impress a girl because she told me to, now I am scared and angry. Can you help?
Somers: I don't know. Is she impressed? Are you sure you want the kind of girl who is impressed by these kinds of stunts?
Pierce: Well, how do you think I ended up with these?
Travis pulls out a torn pair of Gabby's underwear.
Somers: Did you lift somezing up and put it down?
Pierce: You can keep them if you want. I'm done with them.
Somers: That's alright, if I can catch syph from her diary, my arm might fall off if I touch those. Shouldn't you be wearing a Hazmat suit to handle those things?
Pierce: Well, Opie, I'd like to than you for stopping by. I'd wish you good luck at Horizons, but we both know you don't need it.
Somers: Try not to go too hard on Duncan. See you in New York!
Pierce: We'll be right back!
Cut to commercial.
We return to see Travis sitting in a rocking chair, wearing an eye patch and a bald cap.
Pierce: Welcome back. Most people are under the mistaken impression that you need to have one of these things if you want to be able to shape the direction of the industry around here. With no offense intended to the Consortium, the piercing truth is that you don't.
Travis takes both off and tosses them off-camera.
Pierce: Piercing truth is that all you need is this.
Travis pulls out a smoking pipe and blows bubbles out of it.
Pierce: Everybody knows what I did last year when I won the Carnage Match at Horizons and the ten million purse that came along with it. I took control of Synergy for an entire month that culminated in my winning the World Heavyweight Championship. All of that cost a lot of money, but this year, when Jet Somers is once again the World Heavyweight Champion, I won't be looking to take it from him, and that means I'm going to have a lot of money to play with. It means that you can look forward to a refreshing spring filled with a lot of pierced Synergies, and the most entertaining programming you've ever seen. You can count on it. Life is about to be just one big party, in fact, just thinking about it, I think it's time to...dance.
Music begins playing as Travis fist-pumps to the beat.
As Travis continues to fist-pump, Jet Somers moonwalks into view, and begins doing the robot dance, as we fade out...
Cartwright: Ladies and gentlemen, the host of The Piercing Truth, you know his name, TRAVIS PIERCE!
“You Know My Name” by Chris Cornell begins to play, and the lights come on to show a chair sitting backwards behind the desk. A monitor behind the chair shows the logo for The Piercing Truth. The chair spins around to reveal Travis himself. Pierce looks directly at the camera.
Pierce:Good evening, and welcome to The Piercing Truth! My name is Travis Pierce, as always your host for the evening, and I'd like to again welcome you to the RETURN of The Piercing Truth, a brand new Truth, here on our obscenely expensively overhauled set. It's that time of the year, kids, the biggest show is upon us, and what better way to get you there then some old time truthin'. Take a look, out at the Horizons...and see some top stories!
Pierce switches to Camera B.
Pierce: Terrorist group Al-Qaida has issued eight ransom demands that must be met for the safe return of an inprisoned seventy-year-old United States citizen they claim to hold, of which there is no actual proof. It is much like how Enigma claims to have a personality, Ethan King claims to have some talent, and the Natural Born Killer claims to still participate.
Pierce switches to Camera C.
Pierce: That's right, bitches. Camera C. Told you we pulled out all the stops. Anywho, a pig that was born without any hind legs has shown remarkable and amazing coordination recently by hoisting his entire body, much like a gymnist. Certain unnamed people were so astounded by the achievement that they signed him to a contract, slapped a mask on him, and he went and won the Cross-Hemisphere Championship.
Pierce switches to Camera A.
Pierce: Owners of the Chevy Volt have been alarmed to discover that the cords of the vehicle have been found to overheat and melt while plugged in. Similarly, there has been some alarm amongst the UGWC fan base that somebody like Marek Daisuke might escape Horizons with the ten million dollar purse intended for Travis Pierce. To those people, may I remind you that last year I beat seven people whose collective talent certainly exceeded what I'm up against this year. Just sayin'.
Pierce switches to Camera B.
Pierce: We'll be right back with a special guest, after a quick word from our sponsor.
Cut to commercial.
"You Know My Name" plays us back in as we see Travis behind his desk.
Pierce: Welcome back, and boy, do we have a treat for you. Ladies and gentlemen, what better way to mark our thrilling return here on The Piercing Truth than with our most piercing guest. He is a proud member of the Human Resources Department, one half of the Piercing Weapons, the next World Heavyweight Champion, and a Pisces, please welcome...JET SOMERS!
An orchestrated instrumental of "Everybody Down" plays as Jet comes out and takes a seat on the couch.
Pierce: Welcome to the show!
Somers: It's good to be back, after all this time, on the most entertaining show on the internet!
Pierce: Can you believe another Horizons is upon us?
Somers: I can barely remember last year, what with getting shot and all... has it been that long?
Pierce: Feels like only yesterday that I won the Carnage Match and that huge purse, you won the World Heavyweight Championship, then I won it from you...
Somers: After I defended it against you three times in one night...
They share a good laugh.
Pierce: I really have to tell you, this year has been a blast. You and I have gone all the way and back, and it really feels like things have come full circle now, wouldn't you say?
Somers: The only way this Horizons would make more sense is to have the two of us in a straight up match for every singles championship available and then have Duncan just be the Cooperative Champion by himself.
Pierce: Well this year is simply all about bigger and better, and the piercing truth is I'm not quite sure yet what I'm going to do with my ten million this year, but you know damn well it'll be entertaining as hell.
Somers: Could ten million buy the bigger better Horizons I just mentioned? I doubt if the world could handle the Human Resource Department in full control, though. Look how everyone is falling apart at the foothold we've got already. Maybe ten million could lock the soon-to-be-former Champion rapist away for good?
Pierce: I'm with you there, buddy. Speaking of Tyvola, our Research Department did some investigative reporting, and they were able to provide us with this simulated video of what Tyvola might look like if you took a weed wacker to all that hair.
They both turn to look at the monitor.
They turn back to face each other.
Pierce: Heavy stuff, don't you think? Find that intimidating at all?
Somers: The only thing intimidating about that is that someone somewhere had to watch all fifteen minutes of that in order to put it together.
Pierce: Not to take us off subject, but have you taken a look at this?
Travis pulls Johnny Blake's journal out from behind the desk and holds it up.
Somers: Oh god, if I wanted to read something a crybaby wrote, I'd read Gabby's journal. If I wanted to catch an STD just from touching something, that is.
Pierce: I know, right?
Travis tosses it aside.
Pierce: And now, the return of a popular part of our interview, A Piercing Question From the Fans. We have a question submitted to us online and selected at random, you ready?
Somers: This was always my favorite part.
Travis pulls out a card and reads it.
Pierce: I sold my only car to help pay for gas money, but now gas has come back down in price. How do I get my car back?
Somers: Well, Dr. Lieberjosch, maybe you should auction off your seat at Horizons during one of our matches, take that down to the horsetrack, and win enough to buy yourself some damn dignity?
Pierce: That's deep, I wouldn't have thought of that. You know what? This is Horizons. I think we need a double-dose.
Somers: Do it.
Travis pulls out a second card.
Pierce: I ate a plastic sandwich bag to impress a girl because she told me to, now I am scared and angry. Can you help?
Somers: I don't know. Is she impressed? Are you sure you want the kind of girl who is impressed by these kinds of stunts?
Pierce: Well, how do you think I ended up with these?
Travis pulls out a torn pair of Gabby's underwear.
Somers: Did you lift somezing up and put it down?
Pierce: You can keep them if you want. I'm done with them.
Somers: That's alright, if I can catch syph from her diary, my arm might fall off if I touch those. Shouldn't you be wearing a Hazmat suit to handle those things?
Pierce: Well, Opie, I'd like to than you for stopping by. I'd wish you good luck at Horizons, but we both know you don't need it.
Somers: Try not to go too hard on Duncan. See you in New York!
Pierce: We'll be right back!
Cut to commercial.
We return to see Travis sitting in a rocking chair, wearing an eye patch and a bald cap.
Pierce: Welcome back. Most people are under the mistaken impression that you need to have one of these things if you want to be able to shape the direction of the industry around here. With no offense intended to the Consortium, the piercing truth is that you don't.
Travis takes both off and tosses them off-camera.
Pierce: Piercing truth is that all you need is this.
Travis pulls out a smoking pipe and blows bubbles out of it.
Pierce: Everybody knows what I did last year when I won the Carnage Match at Horizons and the ten million purse that came along with it. I took control of Synergy for an entire month that culminated in my winning the World Heavyweight Championship. All of that cost a lot of money, but this year, when Jet Somers is once again the World Heavyweight Champion, I won't be looking to take it from him, and that means I'm going to have a lot of money to play with. It means that you can look forward to a refreshing spring filled with a lot of pierced Synergies, and the most entertaining programming you've ever seen. You can count on it. Life is about to be just one big party, in fact, just thinking about it, I think it's time to...dance.
Music begins playing as Travis fist-pumps to the beat.
As Travis continues to fist-pump, Jet Somers moonwalks into view, and begins doing the robot dance, as we fade out...
Kinda feeling a bit nervous, here xD
