How To Succeed While Failing

[Lord Hastings]

Hastings on the Horizons
By: Patrick "Pact" Nicely

Another year, another Horizons. As my long-time readers know, I have attended every Horizons since its inception in 2007, under the umbrella of the now-defunct Global Impact Wrestling promotion. Who would have thought, back in the days when people actually paid money to see the likes of Robert Garland and Brandon McSkinny, that an event main evented by Declan Prescott against Andy Savana would ultimately become the annual can't-miss event of the year?

I knew I had seen something special as I sat there watching in 2008 while Travis Roberts defeated Alex Kiseragi and Randy Boolzian in a Hell in a Cell match to capture the Global Heavyweight Championship. I knew it before that match even began, because not long before it, I watched the remarkably innovative Peterson REALLY Sucks Match, contested by Donovan Hastings and Owen Peterson. Here was a card that featured a three fall match with tables and ladders for the Tag Team Championship, a Boss Penguin on a Pole Match, and a mess of a celebrity spectacle co-starring Prescott and his long time rival, Brandon Brown. Yet the work of one man trumped them all in sheer entertainment value. When Hastings walked back up the ramp that night, in spite of what had happened, I turned to my friend and said, "This kid is going to be a star."

A year later, and my prediction had come true. Hastings decisively defeated Roberts in a Last Man Standing Match, dethroning the man who had held the title for nearly an entire year. The torch had been passed, and while it was an otherwise forgettable show, a one-match show, the 2009 edition of Horizons was still the show of the year, all because of what was unquestionably the match of the year, and the dawn of a new era.

Of course, 2010 was the Year of Hastings. He remains, to this day, the only person to hold the UGWC World Heavyweight Championship twice, and that year he was able to fend off the Covenant, had big victories over the likes of Raenius, Dirge, and Declan Prescott. There was nobody better to have in the main event of the biggest show of the year.

Donovan Hastings has become synonymous with Horizons, not to mention UGWC itself. This year has been another year of classic Hastings moments that will live forever, such as his near ending of the career of Alex Kiseragi, or his successful captaining of his team at Outlast. Hastings has been featured in main event after main event, and while, yes, he may not be competing for the World Heavyweight Championship this year, I would still put his match as the main event. This issue between Hastings and Kiseragi is a blood-feud that has been boiling all year, and I'd plunk down twice what I paid for my ticket for just that one match, because I know it's going to be an unbelievable match filled with unforgettable moments.

It is inevitable.

~

Calypso: What did I say about this?

Donovan lays on the couch reading on the iPad under the warm glow of the lights from the newly assembled Christmas tree, topped by a traditional star, topped itself by Donovan's cloak.

Calypso: The Christmas tree is not a coat rack!

When Donovan does not react, she hesitates and sits down next to him.

Calypso: What are you reading?

Hastings: Hm?

He glances at her.

Hastings: Just thinking.

Donovan hands her the Pad.

Hastings: It's true, you know. I am the face of this company. How sad, then, that the face of the company has had as sad a year as I've had?

Donovan stands and walks to the window, gazing out.

Calypso: Is this you under a psuedonym?

Hastings: I had the Lord of the Ring tournament stolen away from me. I spent months competing against opponents who would have considered themselves lucky to be even in the mid-card. I suffered disappointing loss after disappointing loss. People pay their hard-earned money to see me win. They've seen me beat a half-assed schizophrenic and a worthless rookie. Granted, he has since developed some considerable value.

Calypso: Seriously, this is all you could come up with?

Hastings: Yet, in spite of it all, I am still the biggest name, the drawing card, the money maker, the person people come to see. None of my losses or my shortcomings have meant anything. It's simply, really. It's been a year since I held championship gold of any kind. Who has held it in my stead? Jet Somers, who was the weak link when we were Cooperative Champions and carries the burden of our loss. Travis Pierce, who claims to be the biggest entertainer in the industry, yet who still tops the card in spite of his set-backs? Me. Why? Because, simply put, I am the true entertainer, a champion of charisma, and his superior in every way. Why, that lamentable match at Battleground would never have happened if that bitch hadn't fouled up my taser-shot at WrestleStock, by all rights I should have beaten Tyvola then. The fans know me to be the true champion.

Calypso: Where did you even come up with "Pact Nicely?"

Hastings: Huh?

He looks back at her.

Hastings: I didn't write that.

She just stares at him.

Hastings: I really didn't!

Calypso: Hrm.

~

[glow=green,2,300]

Chapter Omega - How Best to Slay a Dragon

A common obstacle that one may find the need to overcome is the repeated meddlesome behavior of a dragon. Thankfully, even the most flaming of dragons can be slain in just a few easy steps.

Step 1 - Kill the dragon.

Step 2 - In the event this is illegal, simply maim the dragon. This can be effectively accomplished by a well placed lead pipe to the back to the knee. Repeatedly.

Step 3 - The dragon might respond by sending it's brainwashed minions to retaliate. As they are therefore obviously weak-minded, simply brainwash them back. Rinse and repeat as necessary.

Step 4 - This will force the dragon to attempt to do it's own dirty work. Recognize this as the cue to cleverly maneuver the shiny new brainwashed minion so as to confuse and dishearten the dragon.

Step 5 - In all likelihood, dragon will now be angry and irrational. This is the time to ignore the dragon entirely, so as to further frustrate and confuse it. The dragon will repeatedly up the ante and eventually do something catastrophically stupid.

Step 6 - Go to the dragon's cave, and take the dragon's cave.

Step 7 - Inevitability.[/glow]

[Jet Somers]

I notice that Pact deftly dodged the loss to the 'weak link' at last year's main event.

As expected ;-)

Seriously though, your excerpt was oddly without comedy. If memory serves, it is the least funny chapter in the book, and also probably the truest. Everything mentioned there has happened, basically, and so it makes it seem like this entire year has been about getting Kiseragi.

Wow.

[Alex Kiseragi]

I got a giggle out of it but I think someone a little more serious is befitting of the circumstances.

[Sheena Ramone]

I don't think I've ever seen many serious Donovan Hastings segments before, but like Alex said, this did suit.

[Travis Pierce]

Although it seemed a bit strange to not actually get a Donovan rant about Kis, considering they really have been feuding, at least indirectly, all year, the book exerpt really does say it all, albeit in a much more subtle way.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Dude, I really enjoyed this.

Let me start by saying I think the How To Slay A Dragon excerpt was genius. It's by far the shortest how to Donovan has written, and it suggests that Slaying a Dragon is LESS complex than a trip to Ikea, and this is a fabulous insight into Donovans twisted mind. Whilst he has been focused all year on Kiseragi, he has also convinced himself that The Dragon is not really worth worrying about. Which would be a confusing paradox with most characters, but as ever it works with Donovan.

I liked the continuation from Cal's piece as ever the word play between one another is something I really enjoy.

And I don't buy that the opening piece wasn't written by Donny either, for one reason; It's too, po-faced, too serious. Sure Donny can ignore certain aspects of his own character, but I don't believe any neutral would. Maybe Owen wrote it? Or Chris? But having said that I loved the piece, and I think it focused what this year has really been about for Donovan, who has had a very quiet year by his standards, and it was a great, and different opening.

It felt like a Horizons post, and I think that's the highest praise I can give anything this week.