Post by Lord Hastings on Jan 27, 2012 16:53:08 GMT -5
We see a stage that has been erected in front of what appears to be an abandoned building. A solitary podium is front and center, and behind it is arranged four chairs side-by-side. Seated on the chairs, left to right, are: Chris Peterson, Owen Peterson and his neck brace, Calypso Desmona, and a rubber chicken, which Calypso is glaring at with her arms crossed. To the left of the podium is a presentation easel with several posters leaning against the back of it. A group of reporters are actually present and accounted for in front of the stage, murmuring to each other.
Chris looks off-stage and then taps Owen on the arm, and Owen pivots his body to see what Chris is pointing at, and painfully nods his head before getting up and walking to the podium.
Peterson: Yo beotches an' gentlemen, let us all please give uh warm welcome ta da nigga o' legend who iz destined ta win da Global Challenge dis here weekend at Infinity, he iz da heart an' soul o' UGWC, Jus' like Orenthawl James, da Lord Chief-Nigga o' Pain, da immortal Donovan Hastings!
There is polite applause as Donovan walks onto the stage from the side, with a Pillow Pet tucked under his arm. He hands it to Calypso and pets it on the head before approaching the podium. Calypso appears to grumble something and drops the stuffed cat on top of the rubber chicken.
Hastings: Good afternoon, peasantry of the interweb media. Your Lord appreciates your coming to participate in this formal unveiling of Destiny, LLC, the official corporate supporter of my climb back to the World Heavyweight Championship of the Unified Global Wrestling Coalition. You are, of course, already familiar with our first business endeavor, in which a well-deserved spot in the Global Challenge was purchased by me on my own behalf. This was necessary due to the ridiculous bias held by the current Consortium group that runs this promotion. If you look at Exhibit A…
Owen struggles to put the first poster on the easel, having to pivot his body at the waist since he can’t move his head. Donovan taps his foot impatiently, and finally Chris gets up and helps Owen put it into place.
The image on the poster appears to be a poorly drawn stick figure.
Hastings: I’m sure that many of you remember Dexter Vines when he was a talk show host that only got noticed after he had Blessed Immortality as his guests during a time that historians consider to be the infancy of the modern era of TWiSTeD. Has Peasant Vines ever returned the favor for the tremendous boon to his career that this provided? No, instead, he grants a free Global Challenge spot to a person that has approximately two victories of note in the calendar year. Let’s not forget that instead of pushing for an increased focus on the biggest draw the company has ever had, he’s trying to bring in new talent. Now, let’s consider Figure 2…
Donovan waits as Chris and Owen prepare the next poster, which shows virtually the exact same poorly drawn stick figure, except this one has Xs in the place of eyes.
Hastings: Moss Edwards is supposed to be a creative driving force in UGWC, but it appears he keeps his decent ideas for himself and tells other people they have to be British. I’d like to make it publicly known that I have tendered a complaint about his blatant conflict of interest, most recently demonstrated when he placed your Lord in the opening match of Synergy in a stunning display of public disrespect, as well as an obvious attempt to overshadow me. Disturbing, but we cannot overlook the third architect of this sad state of affairs.
Donovan again waits as the Peterson place the third poster, again an identical stick figure to those preceding it, except this one only has one X.
Hastings: The Director of Human Resources, Robert Ooley, a man who leads through use of the profane and is easily the most abusive administrator since Ferdinand Marcos. This is no way to lead or to provide training, and it has struck a chord within my benevolent soul. That is why today, we are here to announce that this is the future site of the Dungeon of Pain, soon to be the premier wrestling training gymnasium on the globe today. Led by the Head Instructor, your Lord himself, and supported by my subordinate instructors, including Chris Peterson, whom I instructed so well that he graduated from the Dungeon of Pain before it even formally opened, and Chicken Lickin’. Before your Lord continues on to other business, we will allow some brief questions.
Hands go up in the crowd. Donovan scans them and points.
Hastings: Yes, Peasant Coppi.
Grey Coppi stands up.
Coppi: There are an awful lot of wrestling dungeons out there. Why does the world need another gym?
Hastings: Traditional work-out gyms such as Planet Fitness are filled with mindless lunks regardless of what they may tell you otherwise, and more dedicated wrestling-related training facilities have a well-documented history of corruption that I trust is recent enough events that I needn’t recount the tale for you today. The Dungeon of Pain will be a pillar in the community, something that we can all be proud of. Yes, Peasant Bitch-Tits.
Jason Reeves frowns as he stands up.
Reeves: Did you purposely select a site that is directly across the street from the Dragon’s Cave?
Hastings: Is that what that is? I thought it was a hostel. Regardless, that is an established facility with a poor track record. The Dungeon of Pain can be a haven for a new generation, our doors are open for the new blood such as Jack Carlton or Remington Steele.
Owen whispers something to Donovan.
Hastings: Of course, James Carson and Remi Monroe. This is a perfect example of why these people need the Dungeon of Pain. They are nobodies, children playing at an adult’s game. They need a strong veteran and knowledgeable teacher who can guide them through what can be a very treacherous business. Owen tells me he saw a vignette this morning for somebody named, what was that?
Owen whispers again.
Hastings: I could hear you better if you took that ridiculous thing off your head. No, I got it, thanks. Alex Stein. Now, they’ve built this debut up, yes? But what if he is all flash and no substance? The Dungeon of Pain would take care of that. That’s why we’re here. To train the new generation, and teach them their place.
Donovan grins at the end of this last statement. After a moment, he points again to the crowd.
Hastings: Yes, you.
Pepper Phoenix stands up.
Pepper: Pepper Phoenix, the Piercing Truth. What do you have to say in response to-
Hastings: Next question.
Pepper: Um, okay. What about-
Hastings: No, not from you.
Donovan snaps his fingers, and two burly men appear, grab Pepper by each arm, and drag him out of the crowd.
Hastings: Right, sorry about that. Your Lord declares that we will hold further questions for the moment, as there is further pressing business to discuss. This Monday is the annual Global Challenge, an event that for many is synonymous with your Lord. This year the prize is the richest in the business, and for the first time I understand why fate has waylaid me in the past. There can be no victory than one for the World Heavyweight Championship, and the path could not be clearer. It is almost a disappointment that the field that must be conquered is littered with people I’ve either never heard of, or wish I never had. Red Fusion? John Russo? This is what the Consortium is able to cobble together to put in my path? Fools who have repeatedly proven themselves to lack the passion and dedication necessary to be successful in this business! It leaves me feeling a pressure to come out victorious out of fear that this precious championship would have its credibility obliterated under any other outcome. Questions now.
The hands go up.
Hastings: Peasant Coppi.
Coppi: So who do you think IS the biggest threat to you in the tournament?
Hastings: I think I just got through saying, there doesn’t seem to be any at all. However, it’s entirely possible that Ezekiel Pax is still pissy about that whole church thing from a year ago. I’ll have to keep in mind during that clusterfuck first round that I might have a target painted on my back there. Of course, everyone is certain to see me as the biggest threat and I’ll have to be wary of that, but for Ezekiel I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s personal. Then there is Fear, who your Lord knows from experience is a tremendous dick. People were surprised he turned his back on Fernandez at Horizons, but the greatest partner he ever had during his career in LWF was me, and that didn’t stop him from turning his back on me, either. The reality is that there is nobody in this tournament who has ever been able to defeat me without employing underhanded tactics or stacking the deck against me. I'm always asked to participate in another person's trademark match. When are we going to see Lord Hastings in another Valhalla Burial match? Don't hold your breath with this administration. When will justice be served? You.
Donovan points at a hand in the crowd. Pepper Phoenix stands up, now wearing a fake mustache.
Pepper's Moustache: What about Alex Kis-
Hastings: First, your Lord was asking you a question, not looking for further blithering idiocy, and B, that's a stupid mustache.
Donovan snaps his fingers again, and the burly men return, one picking up Pepper single-handedly, and the other tearing off the fake mustache and following the first while holding the hairpiece at arm's length.
Hastings: The bottom line is that UGWC is at a crossroads. Our supposed "leaders" are leading us astray. Our iconic championship stands vacant. We need a new leader, someone who can be that icon, someone we know from experience can do it. We need Lord Donovan Hastings as our World Heavyweight Champion again. It will happen at Infinity.
Donovan turns around and picks up the stuffed cat from the chair. He strokes it as he returns to the podium.
Hastings: It is inevitable.
Chris looks off-stage and then taps Owen on the arm, and Owen pivots his body to see what Chris is pointing at, and painfully nods his head before getting up and walking to the podium.
Peterson: Yo beotches an' gentlemen, let us all please give uh warm welcome ta da nigga o' legend who iz destined ta win da Global Challenge dis here weekend at Infinity, he iz da heart an' soul o' UGWC, Jus' like Orenthawl James, da Lord Chief-Nigga o' Pain, da immortal Donovan Hastings!
There is polite applause as Donovan walks onto the stage from the side, with a Pillow Pet tucked under his arm. He hands it to Calypso and pets it on the head before approaching the podium. Calypso appears to grumble something and drops the stuffed cat on top of the rubber chicken.
Hastings: Good afternoon, peasantry of the interweb media. Your Lord appreciates your coming to participate in this formal unveiling of Destiny, LLC, the official corporate supporter of my climb back to the World Heavyweight Championship of the Unified Global Wrestling Coalition. You are, of course, already familiar with our first business endeavor, in which a well-deserved spot in the Global Challenge was purchased by me on my own behalf. This was necessary due to the ridiculous bias held by the current Consortium group that runs this promotion. If you look at Exhibit A…
Owen struggles to put the first poster on the easel, having to pivot his body at the waist since he can’t move his head. Donovan taps his foot impatiently, and finally Chris gets up and helps Owen put it into place.
The image on the poster appears to be a poorly drawn stick figure.
Hastings: I’m sure that many of you remember Dexter Vines when he was a talk show host that only got noticed after he had Blessed Immortality as his guests during a time that historians consider to be the infancy of the modern era of TWiSTeD. Has Peasant Vines ever returned the favor for the tremendous boon to his career that this provided? No, instead, he grants a free Global Challenge spot to a person that has approximately two victories of note in the calendar year. Let’s not forget that instead of pushing for an increased focus on the biggest draw the company has ever had, he’s trying to bring in new talent. Now, let’s consider Figure 2…
Donovan waits as Chris and Owen prepare the next poster, which shows virtually the exact same poorly drawn stick figure, except this one has Xs in the place of eyes.
Hastings: Moss Edwards is supposed to be a creative driving force in UGWC, but it appears he keeps his decent ideas for himself and tells other people they have to be British. I’d like to make it publicly known that I have tendered a complaint about his blatant conflict of interest, most recently demonstrated when he placed your Lord in the opening match of Synergy in a stunning display of public disrespect, as well as an obvious attempt to overshadow me. Disturbing, but we cannot overlook the third architect of this sad state of affairs.
Donovan again waits as the Peterson place the third poster, again an identical stick figure to those preceding it, except this one only has one X.
Hastings: The Director of Human Resources, Robert Ooley, a man who leads through use of the profane and is easily the most abusive administrator since Ferdinand Marcos. This is no way to lead or to provide training, and it has struck a chord within my benevolent soul. That is why today, we are here to announce that this is the future site of the Dungeon of Pain, soon to be the premier wrestling training gymnasium on the globe today. Led by the Head Instructor, your Lord himself, and supported by my subordinate instructors, including Chris Peterson, whom I instructed so well that he graduated from the Dungeon of Pain before it even formally opened, and Chicken Lickin’. Before your Lord continues on to other business, we will allow some brief questions.
Hands go up in the crowd. Donovan scans them and points.
Hastings: Yes, Peasant Coppi.
Grey Coppi stands up.
Coppi: There are an awful lot of wrestling dungeons out there. Why does the world need another gym?
Hastings: Traditional work-out gyms such as Planet Fitness are filled with mindless lunks regardless of what they may tell you otherwise, and more dedicated wrestling-related training facilities have a well-documented history of corruption that I trust is recent enough events that I needn’t recount the tale for you today. The Dungeon of Pain will be a pillar in the community, something that we can all be proud of. Yes, Peasant Bitch-Tits.
Jason Reeves frowns as he stands up.
Reeves: Did you purposely select a site that is directly across the street from the Dragon’s Cave?
Hastings: Is that what that is? I thought it was a hostel. Regardless, that is an established facility with a poor track record. The Dungeon of Pain can be a haven for a new generation, our doors are open for the new blood such as Jack Carlton or Remington Steele.
Owen whispers something to Donovan.
Hastings: Of course, James Carson and Remi Monroe. This is a perfect example of why these people need the Dungeon of Pain. They are nobodies, children playing at an adult’s game. They need a strong veteran and knowledgeable teacher who can guide them through what can be a very treacherous business. Owen tells me he saw a vignette this morning for somebody named, what was that?
Owen whispers again.
Hastings: I could hear you better if you took that ridiculous thing off your head. No, I got it, thanks. Alex Stein. Now, they’ve built this debut up, yes? But what if he is all flash and no substance? The Dungeon of Pain would take care of that. That’s why we’re here. To train the new generation, and teach them their place.
Donovan grins at the end of this last statement. After a moment, he points again to the crowd.
Hastings: Yes, you.
Pepper Phoenix stands up.
Pepper: Pepper Phoenix, the Piercing Truth. What do you have to say in response to-
Hastings: Next question.
Pepper: Um, okay. What about-
Hastings: No, not from you.
Donovan snaps his fingers, and two burly men appear, grab Pepper by each arm, and drag him out of the crowd.
Hastings: Right, sorry about that. Your Lord declares that we will hold further questions for the moment, as there is further pressing business to discuss. This Monday is the annual Global Challenge, an event that for many is synonymous with your Lord. This year the prize is the richest in the business, and for the first time I understand why fate has waylaid me in the past. There can be no victory than one for the World Heavyweight Championship, and the path could not be clearer. It is almost a disappointment that the field that must be conquered is littered with people I’ve either never heard of, or wish I never had. Red Fusion? John Russo? This is what the Consortium is able to cobble together to put in my path? Fools who have repeatedly proven themselves to lack the passion and dedication necessary to be successful in this business! It leaves me feeling a pressure to come out victorious out of fear that this precious championship would have its credibility obliterated under any other outcome. Questions now.
The hands go up.
Hastings: Peasant Coppi.
Coppi: So who do you think IS the biggest threat to you in the tournament?
Hastings: I think I just got through saying, there doesn’t seem to be any at all. However, it’s entirely possible that Ezekiel Pax is still pissy about that whole church thing from a year ago. I’ll have to keep in mind during that clusterfuck first round that I might have a target painted on my back there. Of course, everyone is certain to see me as the biggest threat and I’ll have to be wary of that, but for Ezekiel I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s personal. Then there is Fear, who your Lord knows from experience is a tremendous dick. People were surprised he turned his back on Fernandez at Horizons, but the greatest partner he ever had during his career in LWF was me, and that didn’t stop him from turning his back on me, either. The reality is that there is nobody in this tournament who has ever been able to defeat me without employing underhanded tactics or stacking the deck against me. I'm always asked to participate in another person's trademark match. When are we going to see Lord Hastings in another Valhalla Burial match? Don't hold your breath with this administration. When will justice be served? You.
Donovan points at a hand in the crowd. Pepper Phoenix stands up, now wearing a fake mustache.
Pepper's Moustache: What about Alex Kis-
Hastings: First, your Lord was asking you a question, not looking for further blithering idiocy, and B, that's a stupid mustache.
Donovan snaps his fingers again, and the burly men return, one picking up Pepper single-handedly, and the other tearing off the fake mustache and following the first while holding the hairpiece at arm's length.
Hastings: The bottom line is that UGWC is at a crossroads. Our supposed "leaders" are leading us astray. Our iconic championship stands vacant. We need a new leader, someone who can be that icon, someone we know from experience can do it. We need Lord Donovan Hastings as our World Heavyweight Champion again. It will happen at Infinity.
Donovan turns around and picks up the stuffed cat from the chair. He strokes it as he returns to the podium.
Hastings: It is inevitable.