Post by Lord Hastings on Mar 30, 2012 13:10:08 GMT -5
Hastings: And that is how you take a homeless bearded bastard and turn him into a Cajun sensation.
Donovan stands in the main ring of the Dungeon of Pain gym and training center, addressing the assembled class. Chris Peterson leans on the near ropes, a clipboard in his hand, wearing the newly released Dungeon of Pain ™ hoodie.
Joy Asiago raises her hand.
Hastings: As I’m sure you have noticed, this is a delicate process. Sure, you could take a quick glance as Peasant Tate over there and decide to dub him “Butterbean” but then you’d be setting the bar quite low, yes? Coach Peterson tells me he did such a wonderful job of cleaning up his own puke this morning that we might be better off calling him “The Cleaner.”
Chris: Lord Hastings, I think there is a question.
Hastings: Ah, I thought that was post-training stretching from this morning. Yes, speak.
Joy: You just threw Mardi Gras beads at him.
Hastings: Explain.
Joy: He’s sleeping in the corner, and you just threw the beads on top of him. You didn’t even put them around his neck.
Hastings: Who do you mean, CajoolZ? It serves as a perfect example, my dear Peasantette, of exactly my point. People see what they want to see. Your goal is to make them want to see what you want them to.
Donovan looks in the direction of Todd Magenta.
Hastings: You probably want to write that down, Pink Dingbat.
Todd looks around frantically for something to write on.
Hastings: Take, for example, this so-called Six-Pack Challenge scheduled for Synergy. Everybody in that match wants the world to see something different. JK wants us all to see him as a true challenger to the World Heavyweight Championship. Russo wants us to see that he should have been the one that won at Rising Sun. Sheena wants to be noticed. Ezra wants to not be noticed. Edwards wants us to all see that he is in control and has put together another “blockbuster” card with this tremendous match, in spite of the fact that more than half the competitors in this “challenge” present no challenge at all.
Joy: And what do you want people to see?
Hastings: I haven’t decided yet. Ultimately, it comes down to presentation. That’s what makes what we’re discussing today so important. You.
Donovan points at Paul Cockatoo.
Hastings: What is it you call youself?
Before Paul can answer, Donovan snaps and points at Chris.
Hastings: What does he call himself?
Chris glances at his clipboard.
Chris: The Original Aboriginal.
Hastings: Wow, that sucks. You know what that means? I don’t know what the fuck it means.
He looks over at Chris.
Hastings: What the fuck does that even mean?
Chris: It sucks.
Hastings: You’re damned right it does. You walk down to the ring with a stupid grin plastered on your face like you hope nobody notices you shit your pants, pretending to drum like it’s an original concept. You’re original because you pretend to do what I did for two hours last night playing Rock Band. Then you wonder why even suspects you of having something that remotely resembles credibility. You scared of that, Black Knight?
Chris: Hell no.
Hastings: Hell no. That’s why the Black Knight always triumphs. Speaking of which, when people think of the Black Knight, they can hear him saying that in their head. It’s memorable. I don’t remember anything you’ve said, ever. Can you speak?
Paul starts to open his mouth.
Hastings: Shut up. You need a complete image overall. You want to just bounce around every night, smiling, just happy to be there, hope you meet a babe or two, right? That’s a fine end goal, but you need to be noticed. You can do some stupid flippy shit, so I’m told, so we should focus on that athletic ability. And, you know, you had that whole Aboriginal thing going, when I hear aborigine I think about the bushmen and the pygmies in South Africa, to be honest with you, so we’ll go that direction instead. You can be…
Donovan snaps his fingers.
Hastings: The Athlican!
He points at Chris.
Hastings: Write that down.
Chris: Written down.
Paul frowns.
Hastings: So, homework assignment! Everybody, all of you, are to generate a concept and persona for yourselves. Obviously a few of you got a head start on this, but we can’t do all the heavy lifting for you. So go forth, give it some thought, continue your training with the Black Knight, and soon we’ll have the whole lot of you being something that might actually be presentable.
Donovan smiles.
Hastings: It is inevitable.
Donovan stands in the main ring of the Dungeon of Pain gym and training center, addressing the assembled class. Chris Peterson leans on the near ropes, a clipboard in his hand, wearing the newly released Dungeon of Pain ™ hoodie.
Joy Asiago raises her hand.
Hastings: As I’m sure you have noticed, this is a delicate process. Sure, you could take a quick glance as Peasant Tate over there and decide to dub him “Butterbean” but then you’d be setting the bar quite low, yes? Coach Peterson tells me he did such a wonderful job of cleaning up his own puke this morning that we might be better off calling him “The Cleaner.”
Chris: Lord Hastings, I think there is a question.
Hastings: Ah, I thought that was post-training stretching from this morning. Yes, speak.
Joy: You just threw Mardi Gras beads at him.
Hastings: Explain.
Joy: He’s sleeping in the corner, and you just threw the beads on top of him. You didn’t even put them around his neck.
Hastings: Who do you mean, CajoolZ? It serves as a perfect example, my dear Peasantette, of exactly my point. People see what they want to see. Your goal is to make them want to see what you want them to.
Donovan looks in the direction of Todd Magenta.
Hastings: You probably want to write that down, Pink Dingbat.
Todd looks around frantically for something to write on.
Hastings: Take, for example, this so-called Six-Pack Challenge scheduled for Synergy. Everybody in that match wants the world to see something different. JK wants us all to see him as a true challenger to the World Heavyweight Championship. Russo wants us to see that he should have been the one that won at Rising Sun. Sheena wants to be noticed. Ezra wants to not be noticed. Edwards wants us to all see that he is in control and has put together another “blockbuster” card with this tremendous match, in spite of the fact that more than half the competitors in this “challenge” present no challenge at all.
Joy: And what do you want people to see?
Hastings: I haven’t decided yet. Ultimately, it comes down to presentation. That’s what makes what we’re discussing today so important. You.
Donovan points at Paul Cockatoo.
Hastings: What is it you call youself?
Before Paul can answer, Donovan snaps and points at Chris.
Hastings: What does he call himself?
Chris glances at his clipboard.
Chris: The Original Aboriginal.
Hastings: Wow, that sucks. You know what that means? I don’t know what the fuck it means.
He looks over at Chris.
Hastings: What the fuck does that even mean?
Chris: It sucks.
Hastings: You’re damned right it does. You walk down to the ring with a stupid grin plastered on your face like you hope nobody notices you shit your pants, pretending to drum like it’s an original concept. You’re original because you pretend to do what I did for two hours last night playing Rock Band. Then you wonder why even suspects you of having something that remotely resembles credibility. You scared of that, Black Knight?
Chris: Hell no.
Hastings: Hell no. That’s why the Black Knight always triumphs. Speaking of which, when people think of the Black Knight, they can hear him saying that in their head. It’s memorable. I don’t remember anything you’ve said, ever. Can you speak?
Paul starts to open his mouth.
Hastings: Shut up. You need a complete image overall. You want to just bounce around every night, smiling, just happy to be there, hope you meet a babe or two, right? That’s a fine end goal, but you need to be noticed. You can do some stupid flippy shit, so I’m told, so we should focus on that athletic ability. And, you know, you had that whole Aboriginal thing going, when I hear aborigine I think about the bushmen and the pygmies in South Africa, to be honest with you, so we’ll go that direction instead. You can be…
Donovan snaps his fingers.
Hastings: The Athlican!
He points at Chris.
Hastings: Write that down.
Chris: Written down.
Paul frowns.
Hastings: So, homework assignment! Everybody, all of you, are to generate a concept and persona for yourselves. Obviously a few of you got a head start on this, but we can’t do all the heavy lifting for you. So go forth, give it some thought, continue your training with the Black Knight, and soon we’ll have the whole lot of you being something that might actually be presentable.
Donovan smiles.
Hastings: It is inevitable.
2013, '18, '23 
2013 
x2
