Post by Lord Hastings on Apr 20, 2012 21:00:32 GMT -5
Hastings: Okay, chriscross, applesauce. Everybody breathe deeply, feel the essence. Sip your Chi, Cal is bringing it to you now.
Calypso rolls her eyes as she hands out tea cups of Masala Chai.
The group is assembled on the roof of the Dungeon of Pain, all sitting with their legs crossed in a semi-circle around Donovan, next to a catapult.
Hastings: That’s it, feel it move through you. Remember all your sutras. Your Diamond Sutra, your Lancaster Sutra, your Kama Sutra. We’re focusing now on what I like to call Hastingsutra.
Calypso stands to the side with her arms crossed. Owen emerges from the entrance onto the roof carrying a large bucket, which he sets next to Calypso as he stands next to her.
Hastings: This is much like a finger, pointing at the moon, and we shall embody this with our activity here today.
Magenta: Do you have any idea what he’s talking about?
Joy: None.
Magenta: Oh, good. It’s not me then.
Calypso snatches the rubber chicken out of the bucket and smacks Todd Magenta in the back of the head with it.
Calypso: Pay attention.
Hastings: Peasant Magenta, you know better than to upset Chief Disciplinarian Chicken Licken’
Magenta: Sorry, Lord.
Calypso grumbles something as she stands next to Owen and crosses her arms again.
Hastings: We must not follow the teachings of the moon, much as we must not follow the teachings of the Dragon’s Cave, as it may lead us astray. Furthermore, I’m told that at the Dragon’s Cave they serve the moon pie, which ties in nicely with our metaphor, but makes the whole finger thing kind of unsettling.
Paul starts to raise his hand, but appears to think better of it and puts it back down.
Hastings: Now, we might have to take into consideration the aerodynamics of the situation, the transonic flow, you know, supersonic flow, hypersonic flow, or we could just get a big freaking catapult like this one and remember that we don’t give much of a crap where the stuff lands, so long as we shoot the moon.
Chris emerges from the entrance and stands next to it.
Hastings: We do have to consider possible turbulence, birds getting in the way and the like, but just try not to launch if they’re in the way. Like this, Owen, toss me one.
Owen takes a filled balloon and goes to toss it to Donovan, but Donovan puts his hands up.
Hastings: Whoa, whoa there. Are you crazy, that’s got paint in it. Butterbean, come here and catch this.
Tate Levene hesitates a moment, but waddles up to the front. He has a horrified expression on his face as Owen tosses the balloon, but Donovan intercepts it and catches it before loading it into the catapult.
Hastings: Now, account for wind.
Donovan closes his eyes and appears to concentrate for a moment.
Hastings: ZEN!
Donovan yanks on the lever, and the paint balloon is launched through the air and splatters on the wall of the Dragon’s Cave.
Hastings: Behold, excellence executed! Now, each of you will get a turn, Coach Cal will walk you through it.
Calypso: Hrm.
Calypso rolls her eyes and comes to the front to take over the class. Owen loads the next balloon as Donovan walks over to Chris.
Chris: Is she upset about me teaming with Marek?
Hastings: She’ll get over it. Marek and Zeke working with us gives us the opportunity for us to widen our gaze. If you two can bring back the Cooperative Championship, she’ll be happy for you. If not, you get to eat some crow before you team with her again.
Chris: I guess that’s fair. You sure you don’t need me in War Games, too? I’ll pull double duty if you need me to.
Hastings: I know you will. I’ve got it covered though. You focus on the Bushfire. I think we both know you’re going to have to carry the load in that one.
Calypso: YOU CALL THAT A BALLOON LAUNCH? WHY DO YOU WANT TO PISS ME OFF!?!?!?!
Donovan and Chris both glance over to the class, as Calypso appears to be annoyed with the students.
Hastings: Besides, Cal being angry going into War Games is a good thing.
Chris: Who else is Kis using?
Hastings: It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t have a student worth a damn, and if he goes and digs up the Crimson Ghost again or something like that, like he did last year at Outlast, his inability and discomfort with using his own students speaks for itself. Let him stick his father in there. I really don’t care. I am his superior in every way, and this victory over him at No Holds Barred will hurt worse than anything has before, in fact, it almost makes losing at Horizons worthwhile. Kiseragi is proud of his gym. It represents his life’s work. We’re going to show him how futile and worthless his life has been.
Chris: You’re not worried about Paul?
Hastings: Oh, please.
Joy: AHH!!
Chris and Donovan look over, and see that Joy Asiago is now dripping with paint.
Calypso: Oh, gee, how did that happen? Such a shame.
Hastings: Alright, I think that’s enough for today. Gather round, I have some closing thoughts for you.
The students gather in another half-circle around Donovan, except for Joy, who just stands there dripping paint, as Calypso has a satisfied look on her face.
Hastings: Tomorrow we’re flying to Australia for No Holds Barred, where we’re going to face the Dragon’s Cave in War Games. Coach Chris will be with us in spirit, as he’ll be busy in body trying not to get torched to hell. Instead, your Lord is excited to be teaming with…
He points to Calypso.
Hastings: The Mistress of Pain, Calypso Desmona!
Calypso: You had better be.
Donovan points to Paul Cockatoo.
Hastings: Returning to his native land on a grand stage, the Athlican, Paul Cockatoo!
The other students politely applause.
Hastings: Annnnnnnnnnndd….
Donovan points to Ezra Wade.
Hastings: Ezra…The Tidal…Wade!!!
More polite applause. Ezra appears confused.
Hastings: You missed our class on Basic Character Construction, so that’s the best we got for you for now. Also, Joy, you’ll be accompanying us to the ring, but get that silly paint off first. You look ridiculous. Let’s all look sharp, this is a pivotal moment in the history of the Dungeon of Pain. It is destiny’s call for us to become the greatest training gymnasium and wrestling dungeon in history, and we make that statement loud and clear at No Holds Barred. Once that is done, you will all watch with pride as I take back the World Heavyweight Championship next month at WrestleStock. Now, everybody, hands in the middle. Except Joy. The rest of us don’t need paint on us.
The entire group, including Calypso, Owen, Chris, and all the students except Joy, put their hands in the middle as they huddle together.
Hastings: One…two…three!
Group: INEVITABLE!!
Calypso rolls her eyes as she hands out tea cups of Masala Chai.
The group is assembled on the roof of the Dungeon of Pain, all sitting with their legs crossed in a semi-circle around Donovan, next to a catapult.
Hastings: That’s it, feel it move through you. Remember all your sutras. Your Diamond Sutra, your Lancaster Sutra, your Kama Sutra. We’re focusing now on what I like to call Hastingsutra.
Calypso stands to the side with her arms crossed. Owen emerges from the entrance onto the roof carrying a large bucket, which he sets next to Calypso as he stands next to her.
Hastings: This is much like a finger, pointing at the moon, and we shall embody this with our activity here today.
Magenta: Do you have any idea what he’s talking about?
Joy: None.
Magenta: Oh, good. It’s not me then.
Calypso snatches the rubber chicken out of the bucket and smacks Todd Magenta in the back of the head with it.
Calypso: Pay attention.
Hastings: Peasant Magenta, you know better than to upset Chief Disciplinarian Chicken Licken’
Magenta: Sorry, Lord.
Calypso grumbles something as she stands next to Owen and crosses her arms again.
Hastings: We must not follow the teachings of the moon, much as we must not follow the teachings of the Dragon’s Cave, as it may lead us astray. Furthermore, I’m told that at the Dragon’s Cave they serve the moon pie, which ties in nicely with our metaphor, but makes the whole finger thing kind of unsettling.
Paul starts to raise his hand, but appears to think better of it and puts it back down.
Hastings: Now, we might have to take into consideration the aerodynamics of the situation, the transonic flow, you know, supersonic flow, hypersonic flow, or we could just get a big freaking catapult like this one and remember that we don’t give much of a crap where the stuff lands, so long as we shoot the moon.
Chris emerges from the entrance and stands next to it.
Hastings: We do have to consider possible turbulence, birds getting in the way and the like, but just try not to launch if they’re in the way. Like this, Owen, toss me one.
Owen takes a filled balloon and goes to toss it to Donovan, but Donovan puts his hands up.
Hastings: Whoa, whoa there. Are you crazy, that’s got paint in it. Butterbean, come here and catch this.
Tate Levene hesitates a moment, but waddles up to the front. He has a horrified expression on his face as Owen tosses the balloon, but Donovan intercepts it and catches it before loading it into the catapult.
Hastings: Now, account for wind.
Donovan closes his eyes and appears to concentrate for a moment.
Hastings: ZEN!
Donovan yanks on the lever, and the paint balloon is launched through the air and splatters on the wall of the Dragon’s Cave.
Hastings: Behold, excellence executed! Now, each of you will get a turn, Coach Cal will walk you through it.
Calypso: Hrm.
Calypso rolls her eyes and comes to the front to take over the class. Owen loads the next balloon as Donovan walks over to Chris.
Chris: Is she upset about me teaming with Marek?
Hastings: She’ll get over it. Marek and Zeke working with us gives us the opportunity for us to widen our gaze. If you two can bring back the Cooperative Championship, she’ll be happy for you. If not, you get to eat some crow before you team with her again.
Chris: I guess that’s fair. You sure you don’t need me in War Games, too? I’ll pull double duty if you need me to.
Hastings: I know you will. I’ve got it covered though. You focus on the Bushfire. I think we both know you’re going to have to carry the load in that one.
Calypso: YOU CALL THAT A BALLOON LAUNCH? WHY DO YOU WANT TO PISS ME OFF!?!?!?!
Donovan and Chris both glance over to the class, as Calypso appears to be annoyed with the students.
Hastings: Besides, Cal being angry going into War Games is a good thing.
Chris: Who else is Kis using?
Hastings: It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t have a student worth a damn, and if he goes and digs up the Crimson Ghost again or something like that, like he did last year at Outlast, his inability and discomfort with using his own students speaks for itself. Let him stick his father in there. I really don’t care. I am his superior in every way, and this victory over him at No Holds Barred will hurt worse than anything has before, in fact, it almost makes losing at Horizons worthwhile. Kiseragi is proud of his gym. It represents his life’s work. We’re going to show him how futile and worthless his life has been.
Chris: You’re not worried about Paul?
Hastings: Oh, please.
Joy: AHH!!
Chris and Donovan look over, and see that Joy Asiago is now dripping with paint.
Calypso: Oh, gee, how did that happen? Such a shame.
Hastings: Alright, I think that’s enough for today. Gather round, I have some closing thoughts for you.
The students gather in another half-circle around Donovan, except for Joy, who just stands there dripping paint, as Calypso has a satisfied look on her face.
Hastings: Tomorrow we’re flying to Australia for No Holds Barred, where we’re going to face the Dragon’s Cave in War Games. Coach Chris will be with us in spirit, as he’ll be busy in body trying not to get torched to hell. Instead, your Lord is excited to be teaming with…
He points to Calypso.
Hastings: The Mistress of Pain, Calypso Desmona!
Calypso: You had better be.
Donovan points to Paul Cockatoo.
Hastings: Returning to his native land on a grand stage, the Athlican, Paul Cockatoo!
The other students politely applause.
Hastings: Annnnnnnnnnndd….
Donovan points to Ezra Wade.
Hastings: Ezra…The Tidal…Wade!!!
More polite applause. Ezra appears confused.
Hastings: You missed our class on Basic Character Construction, so that’s the best we got for you for now. Also, Joy, you’ll be accompanying us to the ring, but get that silly paint off first. You look ridiculous. Let’s all look sharp, this is a pivotal moment in the history of the Dungeon of Pain. It is destiny’s call for us to become the greatest training gymnasium and wrestling dungeon in history, and we make that statement loud and clear at No Holds Barred. Once that is done, you will all watch with pride as I take back the World Heavyweight Championship next month at WrestleStock. Now, everybody, hands in the middle. Except Joy. The rest of us don’t need paint on us.
The entire group, including Calypso, Owen, Chris, and all the students except Joy, put their hands in the middle as they huddle together.
Hastings: One…two…three!
Group: INEVITABLE!!
x2
