Post by Lord Hastings on Sept 21, 2012 20:00:41 GMT -5
Donovan stands in his office, staring out the window, seemingly lost in thought. His head tilts to the side, as though considering something, and then he takes a full step back.
Just in time to avoid a cinder block that drops exactly where he was just standing.
Hastings: Nice try, though.
[Hold on, how did you know I was here?]
Hastings: I can break the fourth wall too when a RP stipulation requires me to do so.
[Is that a fact? What if I told you that I know your handler considered having you NOT be able to do that, and be entirely unaware of my presence, which would have made for a much more entertaining RP, if you ask me.]
Hastings: Yes, but then I would be wearing a cinder block for a hat, wouldn't I?
[Sounds like a win-win situation to me.]
Hastings: Regardless, I'm glad you're here. We have a lot of work to do.
[We?]
Hastings: Shit, nobody told me you were a French Disembodied Narrator. I wasn't prepared for that.
[What are you talking about?]
Hastings: Ha! Not so omniscent now, are you?
[Apparently not when YOUR handler writers me. We're fucking BOTH acting out of character now.]
Hastings: Let me show you the plan.
Donovan crosses the room to the-Hold on, as long as you know I'm here anyway, I'll do my entire job, thanks.]
Hastings: Don't let me stop you.
[Donovan walks across his office to the door to the bathroom.]
Hastings: Welcome to the next big advancement in lavatory security systems.
[Donovan drums on his legs, then points directly up.]
Hastings: You.
[Me?]
Hastings: You. Let's review. If I learned anything from Synergy, it's that we have to be prepared for the possibility that an interloper gets past the bear trap. Your boy Stein has managed to prove that it's faulty, and at this point I'm pretty sure he'd still go, bear trap or not, and that would probably get pretty messy.
[What does this have to do with me?]
Hastings: How about if an interloper makes it past the trap, you make a snow leopard appear?
[How about you jolly well fuck off.]
Hastings: Okay, it's negotiable, but I think you're sitting on a gold mine if you don't go with snow leopard.
[Listen to you. You are days away from being trapped in a cage with Alex Stein, a man who has made mincemeat of you and your minions for months, and you're worried about protecting your bathroom when you should be worried about saving your ass.]
Hastings: Sounds like that goes hand-in-hand to me. After all, what if somebody tried to break in and booby-trap my shithole?
[...]
Hastings: The toilet, I mean. I have my priorities, Felix.
[Who is Felix?]
Hastings: You.
[That's not my name.]
Hastings: Quiet, Felix. Today it is. See, I was ready for you. Had a name picked out and everything. It's just like how I'm prepared for Stein at Battleground. Together in that cage, nowhere to go, and he just got his forearm torn open? Why don't you just paint a target on there? How does he expect to stop me from tearing those stitches right open, duct tape?
[What makes you say that?]
Hastings: Well, you know what they say. If you can't duct it, fuck it. I just hope you didn't give him some sissy pink duct tape to use.
Hastings: Yeah? Cool, thanks, that's all I needed.
[What?]
Hastings: I needed his plan. You gave it to me. Thanks so much.
[That's ridiculous.]
Hastings: You think so? Let me tell you what I think is ridiculous, Felix. Ridiculous is thinking that just because you're riding a hot streak and you've been the flavor of the month for more than one month that you're ready for the big time. Ridiculous is thinking that "showing dominance and potential" is equal to concrete accomplishments. Ridiculous is the expectation that just because you like to smash things, that you're a match for the greatest technician this industry has ever seen. You can't fight destiny, Felix. No one can. Not you, not Stein, not anybody. Stein has had success at my pleasure. He hasn't felt the hands of fate grasping at his throat. You think you know so much. I know what you haven't considered.
[What's that?]
Hastings: We all know what happens to the person that wins this match, they get a match for the World Heavyweight Title, but what happens to the person that loses?
[You go into Battleground.]
Hastings: A match I've won before. A match that gives you ANY match you want at Horizons, the difference being it is on your terms. So tell me, Felix, if you can...what is it that you think I want?
Hastings: How about that snow leopard?
[Fuck you. Take your boring narration back.]
Hastings: Heh.
With that, Donovan was once again alone with his thoughts.
[Dickbag....]
Just in time to avoid a cinder block that drops exactly where he was just standing.
Hastings: Nice try, though.
[Hold on, how did you know I was here?]
Hastings: I can break the fourth wall too when a RP stipulation requires me to do so.
[Is that a fact? What if I told you that I know your handler considered having you NOT be able to do that, and be entirely unaware of my presence, which would have made for a much more entertaining RP, if you ask me.]
Hastings: Yes, but then I would be wearing a cinder block for a hat, wouldn't I?
[Sounds like a win-win situation to me.]
Hastings: Regardless, I'm glad you're here. We have a lot of work to do.
[We?]
Hastings: Shit, nobody told me you were a French Disembodied Narrator. I wasn't prepared for that.
[What are you talking about?]
Hastings: Ha! Not so omniscent now, are you?
[Apparently not when YOUR handler writers me. We're fucking BOTH acting out of character now.]
Hastings: Let me show you the plan.
Donovan crosses the room to the-Hold on, as long as you know I'm here anyway, I'll do my entire job, thanks.]
Hastings: Don't let me stop you.
[Donovan walks across his office to the door to the bathroom.]
Hastings: Welcome to the next big advancement in lavatory security systems.
[Donovan drums on his legs, then points directly up.]
Hastings: You.
[Me?]
Hastings: You. Let's review. If I learned anything from Synergy, it's that we have to be prepared for the possibility that an interloper gets past the bear trap. Your boy Stein has managed to prove that it's faulty, and at this point I'm pretty sure he'd still go, bear trap or not, and that would probably get pretty messy.
[What does this have to do with me?]
Hastings: How about if an interloper makes it past the trap, you make a snow leopard appear?
[How about you jolly well fuck off.]
Hastings: Okay, it's negotiable, but I think you're sitting on a gold mine if you don't go with snow leopard.
[Listen to you. You are days away from being trapped in a cage with Alex Stein, a man who has made mincemeat of you and your minions for months, and you're worried about protecting your bathroom when you should be worried about saving your ass.]
Hastings: Sounds like that goes hand-in-hand to me. After all, what if somebody tried to break in and booby-trap my shithole?
[...]
Hastings: The toilet, I mean. I have my priorities, Felix.
[Who is Felix?]
Hastings: You.
[That's not my name.]
Hastings: Quiet, Felix. Today it is. See, I was ready for you. Had a name picked out and everything. It's just like how I'm prepared for Stein at Battleground. Together in that cage, nowhere to go, and he just got his forearm torn open? Why don't you just paint a target on there? How does he expect to stop me from tearing those stitches right open, duct tape?
[What makes you say that?]
Hastings: Well, you know what they say. If you can't duct it, fuck it. I just hope you didn't give him some sissy pink duct tape to use.
Hastings: Yeah? Cool, thanks, that's all I needed.
[What?]
Hastings: I needed his plan. You gave it to me. Thanks so much.
[That's ridiculous.]
Hastings: You think so? Let me tell you what I think is ridiculous, Felix. Ridiculous is thinking that just because you're riding a hot streak and you've been the flavor of the month for more than one month that you're ready for the big time. Ridiculous is thinking that "showing dominance and potential" is equal to concrete accomplishments. Ridiculous is the expectation that just because you like to smash things, that you're a match for the greatest technician this industry has ever seen. You can't fight destiny, Felix. No one can. Not you, not Stein, not anybody. Stein has had success at my pleasure. He hasn't felt the hands of fate grasping at his throat. You think you know so much. I know what you haven't considered.
[What's that?]
Hastings: We all know what happens to the person that wins this match, they get a match for the World Heavyweight Title, but what happens to the person that loses?
[You go into Battleground.]
Hastings: A match I've won before. A match that gives you ANY match you want at Horizons, the difference being it is on your terms. So tell me, Felix, if you can...what is it that you think I want?
Hastings: How about that snow leopard?
[Fuck you. Take your boring narration back.]
Hastings: Heh.
With that, Donovan was once again alone with his thoughts.
[Dickbag....]