WrestleStock 2013: Day 3

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

New Orleans City park is filled with people, all in various states of depravity, inebriation and undress, it’s become a no go area for anyone with a weak disposition, the combination of loud music, intense heat and violence makes this a park only the most foolhardy would spend time in, well unless they’re a UGWC fan that is.

The morning after the night before, it’s always messy, but even more so when thousands of people have been camping overnight having enjoyed 2 prior days of high intensity wrestling action. Two new champions in as many days, numerous incidents that they will be talking about for months on end and extremely high levels of drunken disobedience.

We take a short stroll around the park, the camera taking in the sights. Remember the image we all saw as WrestleStock 2013 kicked off, the glorious image of a pristine New Orleans City Park welcoming fans from around the world to a festival of grappling like no other before it. Concession stands that were doing a roaring business on the first day are lucky to remain standing here on the morning of the third, some looted, some the unfortunate victims of worker collisions and others seem to have been used as makeshift bonfires for the revellers in the park.

Whilst the condition of the park is far from perfect, it looks like the work of a grand master in comparison to the majority of the fans in attendance. Whilst Day 1 of WrestleStock this year may have reminded some people of WCW’s old Road Wild events, less tacky but with similar themes, the biggest difference is a lot of those Bikers in attendance did not go home. Why would they? Chaos himself is scheduled to appear on this day, they were always going to hang around for that.

However, the thing about Bikers, and you may or may not be aware of this fact, is they like to drink, and we mean really like to drink. And the more they drink, in general, the rowdier they get, and the rowdier they get the more they resemble the world’s largest assholes, and the few hundred or so in attendance have been drinking since early Wednesday night, so right now many of them resemble assholes the size of the Grand Canyon. And at least two of these guys are mild-mannered accountants during the week...

And remember, when bikers gather, they don't always belong to the same club. These guys can be every bit as self-destructive as a gang banger on the toughest urban street, the wrong combination can turn paradise into purgatory overnight.

As you can imagine this has meant many of the family guests that had arrived for the weekend have already left after witnessing such acts as, including but not limited to, the shaving and subsequent sexual molestation of a Brown bear (some Bikers are also fucking psychopathic), one of the rings being set on fire and subsequently extinguished by a group urination and the marriage of one member (aforementioned accountant) to his bike and the uncomfortable act of consummating said marriage (It involved an exhaust pipe, sweet potato pie, the ‘Grooms’ genitalia and a lot of vomit from the witnesses). Drink is bad, yo.

So we are left with an interesting audience after the final night of camping consisting of a roughly 50/50 split of drunken, out of control bikers and the kind of people that deem the previous incidents to be publicly acceptable, despite not being bikers themselves. These are the people you should cross the street to avoid, the people you wouldn’t trust your worst enemies family around, and the very people who should not be allowed access to unlimited alcohol over a 3-4 day period, or the internet for that matter. God help those that thought getting hands on Day Tickets to the World Heavyweight Championship day was lucky.

Bonfires continue to rage even now as the morning moves rapidly towards afternoon, people dance around them naked and probably oblivious to the fact the sun rose many hours ago. UGWC staff and Park Wardens wander around the grounds assessing the damage so far, the company is facing large clean-up costs on the evidence seen so far.

We follow one of these pairs of assessors as they take photos of a burnt our motorcycle, with a man dressed as The Natural Born Killer passed out on top of the still smouldering wreckage, they then speak to the owner of a concession who has been victim of a malicious prank, all his highly sort after memorabilia of high drawing stars from the world of Wrestling (Ie. Donovan Hastings, Raenius, Travis Roberts, Declan Prescott, Mickey Dragon, Chassie Fear etc) had been stolen and replaced with less sort after effects (Enigma’s disguise, signed Andy Savana garbage, the remnants of Osirus Blackhart‘s dignity, and literally hundreds of unpurchased ‘A-Kis: My Life in Words’ audiobooks), the owner of this concession is clearly close to breaking point and the UGWC rep tries his hardest to minimise the damage caused.

But this my friends is just the tip of the iceberg, Welcome to Day 3 of WrestleStock, things have already gotten messy, only god knows where it goes from here.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

The door to Eden Morgan’s trailer opens, a splinter of light shining into the darkness within. The darkness should have been a hint that something wasn’t quite right, but Jason Ingalls was in a hurry, and with Eden and Patience Frederickson urging him on, he quickly enters, tossing two bags down… and immediately hit the ground.

Jase: What the fuck?!

Eden tries to push the door open, but ends up hitting it against Jase instead.

Eden: Language! And why are you on the floor? Come on, move, this stuff is heavy!

Jase: Owww! Would you stop hitting me with the door?!

Eden: Then. Move!

Jase: Edie, there’s something in here.

Eden stops pushing at the door and tries to peek through the crack.

Eden: Are you okay?

Jase: Yeah, I’m fine, I think it’s just… hanging there.

Patience looks at Eden over the stylish wireframe of her glasses.

Jase: I’m up, but you may want to stay outside.

Eden sighs and pushes the door open, walking in.

Eden: Yeah right, like I’m going to get changed out--

Her speech is cut short as she gets a good look at what awaits her inside. Patience steps in behind her, clearing her throat.

Patience: My, my, Mr. Scott has been busy.

A mannequin hangs from the ceiling, draped in a red cloak, it’s face made up to bear a resemblance to Eden, complete with a black wig. The face holds a look that could only be described as abject terror as it sways on an unfelt current. As it turns, it reveals pictures from Zane and Eden’s last match scattered all over the red of the cloak, pictures of Zane’s body covering Eden’s, Zane stroking Eden’s hair, Zane getting a handful of Eden’s rear… Zane suplexing Eden. A kiss. As the mannequin turns back slowly, Eden finally notices the black rose in its hands with a note. She snatches it off, scanning it, her face impassive.

Eden: Zero. And it’s signed Zane. As if I didn’t know it was him.

Jase looks at her worriedly, placing a hand on her arm.

Jase: Are you okay? If you want to leave, I’ll get this out of here before you come in again.

Eden shakes her head, looking the whole thing over one more time, and then turns to Patience.

Eden: Take the rose and treat it as the others have been and please make sure they get delivered to Mr. Scott. And leave a note.

Patience nods and steps forward, drawing the rose out of the mannequin’s hands, leaving the trailer.

Jase: Edie, you can’t seriously do this, you have to know that taunting him back won’t lead to anything good.

Eden focuses on Jase, her eyes cold, Jet’s words about emotions and reactions echoing in her mind.

Eden: I just want to give him something to think about. That’s all. Besides…

She turns back to stare at the mannequin, turning it so she can run a hand over the red cloak. She snatches the cloak down, pictures fluttering to the ground around her.

Eden: … he’s the one that chose Little Red Riding Hood. And we all know how that turned out for the Wolf.

Jase just stares at her and she gives him a reassuring smile, stepping closer to kiss him on the cheek before walking toward the door.

Eden: Thanks for everything, Jase. I mean it, you’ve really helped a lot, but I know you have things to get done yourself, and I have an arrangement to make.

She walks out of the dressing room, clutching the red cloak tight in a fist.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

We continue to follow the UGWC worker and the Park attendant as they walk through what can only be described as a Temporary City of Despair, where the dreams of merely 48 hours ago have evaporated and the harsh realities of the world have woken each and every man and woman up with a gracious fart to the face.

The UGWC workers head can barely stop looking from side to side, in his many years on the planet the last hour or so has unveiled things he’d never considered nor wished to be aware of. For instance after he’d only been up for 20 minutes he was greeted by an elderly overweight woman, clearly a big PMN fan wearing a Jet Somers T-Shirt, which she had customised. Doesn’t sound so bad? What if we expanded to explain she had cut peep holes out of his nostrils of Somers’ and leave the rest to your imagination? Pretty nasty right? Well you only imagined it, this poor dude lived it.

As he walks past the umpteenth upturned portapotty of the morning something catches his eyes, a piece of paper, no parchment, lies on the floor in front of his feet, it is covered in writing, which is instantly recognisable…

July 18
What is Love? Does it hold purpose? Is it respect? Is it to care? Is it to protect?

Love can conquer all! Apparently this is well known, it has never been a weapon I have been familiar with.

Love is fickle! That’s what they say, but I have never experienced it, never understood it.

Love hurts! They say that too, it will tear up your insides, make you tender and raw to the bone.

Love leaves! That much I know to be true. I may not truly understand what love is, what it consists of, but I know the feeling when it is no longer there, no longer by your side.

Love is disloyal! I gave it all to my love, my purpose, my being, my self. I respected, I cared and I protected. But alas it is over, and my pain knows no limit, my grief without timescales, my heart without soul.

Love should be feared.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Midday hits and the day ticket holders come streaming in, the UGWC workers and Park Wardens have done a reasonable job clearing up from the night before, but the place is still a disgrace. Parents grip their childrens arms fiercly as they walk through the gates and are faced immediately with a cadre of the ‘The Devils Most Wanted’ bikers.

One child breaks free of his parents and runs directly towards the biggest of the group. His mother freezes out of fear and the father uneasily follows his son, knowing it is his job to protect his offspring, but also wondering how scarring the effect of seeing his father crippled in front of him would actually be.

It’s fairly clear why the child has run towards this individual, he’s big, he’s bald, he has a beard that would make Jesus jealous, and all in all he looks, to a child at least, very much like one of today’s competitors, ‘The Drunken Buzzsaw’ Chaos.

Of course, it isn’t Chaos and that’s precisely why the parents are so shocked, they know an employee contracted to UGWC would not attack an innocent due to the legal ramifications that would bring up. Despite how some of them want you to really, really believe they bend and break the law, they don’t, it’s pretty stupid to think some of the actions you see on UGWC.com could even occur in real life if the perpetrators even wanted them to, it’s fantasy, a dream, the penis extender of the creative. If those things actually happened the company wouldn’t exist and they’d all be in prison. But we all know this right? No-one really believed Ezekiel Pax became an Angel, no-one really believes half the ‘murders’ we’re shown by various roster members over the years. And the parents of this misguided child know this too…

But they also know the man their child runs towards, arms open is not UGWC’s Chaos (who despite his scary exterior is bound by UGWC Codes of Conduct), but is actually a rather unsavoury member of the biker group Chaos legitimately belongs to, The Devils Most Wanted, and the only code of conduct this gentleman is bound to was written up in a sleazy strip club. And for this reason the parents have been watching their child run towards this man in slow motion, he escaped their grasp too quickly for them to successfully chase in this crowd.

The little one weaves from side to side, avoiding the legs of many and adult and finally finds his way to the Chaos lookalike, arriving at his legs and tugging down on his jacket. Beta Chaos looks down at the child and a smirk crosses his face, before with his huge tree trunk like arms he leans down and scoops up the child before turning and quickly disappearing into the large tent behind him.

At this point both the child’s parents collectively lose their shit. The problem with such a high impact strategy is that four burly bikers stand in between them and Beta Chaos who has kidnapped their son. So whilst the mother can scream and pound on the chests of these men, it won’t do too much good. The father tries his hardest to negotiate, to plead for the safety of his child but the only response he gets is the occasional beer smelling belch and the odd shake of the head and annoyed laugh.

The mood of the parents gets no better as all they can hear from inside the tent is numerous squeels and high pitched noises that leaves them dreading what they are going to witness when this is over. They blame themselves, and blame one another, why had they been so stupid, they’d watched the last two days, they knew who was in attendance, why did they think bringing their 5 year old son to such an environment would be a good idea? They both know the answer, they didn’t want to waste good money and couldn’t get a sitter in time, so they decided to be bad parents and now they are living their punishment.

The mother drops to her knee’s, offering forsaken acts in exchange for the release of her child, but clearly it is too late as the noises stop from inside and the Bikers step aside as Beta Chaos opens the tent flap and walks out, he is dusting his hands off and has a huge smile. It’s only now he notices the distressed parents, and he rolls his eyes.

Just as the father swings at him, everything changes, the tent flap opens once more, and their stands their young son, bouncing out of the tent with his very own Balloon Motorcycle, Balloon Helmet and Black Balloon Leather Jacket. He has a smile ear to ear and he exclaims loudly ‘LOOKIT, I’MMA DEVIL NOW’.

The parents look at one another and the relief is palpable, they look sheepishly towards the bikers who shrug their shoulders as if this happens to them more than they would imagine, and they quickly look for a camera to turn this into a real moment. As this family start their day Jeremiah B. Weinhoff, AKA Beta Chaos, disappears into the crowd knowing that out there somewhere is yet another balloon sculpting crisis needing his attention. True heroes never stop working.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to direct your attention to the main stage and HALESTORM!! We understand they’ll be having a special guest joining them.

And indeed, Halestorm is on the main stage, having just finished up a song. As the crowd gathered calms down a bit, Lzzy Hale approaches the microphone.

Lzzy: Alright New Orleans, make some noise!!!

The crowd goes wild again and she throws up some devil horns, cheering with them.

Lzzy: Let me hear what you think of WRESTLESTOCK so far!!!

The crowd cheers again, the sound almost deafening. She chuckles a bit before continuing.

Lzzy: Ohh, then you’re gonna love what we have in store for you. This particular lady is a member of PMN and she is UGWC’s First Female World Champion, she has a special request… give it up for EDEN MORGAN!!

Covert Jay: Edie!! We love you Edie!!

Lieberjosch: Speak for yourself.

Vinegar: I didn’t think it was possible for this crowd to get any louder than they were, but I can barely hear myself think right now!

Lieberjosch: I doubt you’re missing much.

Eden Morgan steps out onto the stage, wearing a black tank top emblazoned brightly with the words “UKnowhatIwant” and an image of her looking over her shoulder and winking. Extremely figure-hugging black pants and knee-high stiletto boots complete her outfit. She waves enthusiastically to the fans, meeting Lzzy Hale halfway as the two share a hug and a kiss on the cheek. They turn back to the crowd and Lzzy raises one of Eden’s arms, sending the crowd into chaos again, Eden’s face a mass of smiles.

Lzzy passes a mic to Eden and starts speaking into her own.

Lzzy: Eden I’d just like to say thank you for coming out here with us today and good luck in your match!

Eden: Thank you Lzzy and thank you for having me out here on this beautiful day in NEW ORLEANS!!

The crowd cheers again, but soon settles down.

Lzzy: Eden, I know you have a request here, but could you tell the crowd what that is?

Eden: Of course. As you all know, the past few weeks, I’ve had an… unorthodox suitor in the form of Zane Scott.

Boos all around.

Eden: Did you know he’s been sending me flowers everyday? Isn’t that thoughtful?

The crowd boos even louder, some of the shouting turning obscene.

Eden: So I was thinking, I should probably let him know how much I appreciate his efforts, shouldn’t I? A man likes to know he’s been noticed, right?

Vinegar: I’m not sure where she’s going with this, but if she’s planning on baiting Zane Scott, that’s not the best idea she’s ever had.

Lieberjosch: No one accused her of being burdened with a mass of over intelligence.

Covert Jay: Don’t do it Edie!!

Eden: And what better way to do that than to dedicate a song to him. And sing it… with Lzzy Hale, of course.

The boos immediately change to cheers, the crowd uncaring the reason as to the collaboration of the two beautiful women onstage, just wanting it to happen.

Eden: SO ZANE SCOTT, THIS IS FOR YOU!!

The first few notes of “I Get Off” rip through the area, Lzzy Hale grinning as she eyes Eden, the two coming close as they belt out the lyrics together.

You don't know that I know
You watch me every night
And I just can't resist the urge
To stand here in the light
Your greedy eyes upon me
And then I come undone
I could close the curtain
But this is too much fun.

Eden turns more fully to the crowd, really getting into the song, her dark hair flying around her head as she moves seductively, running a hand down her curves and back up again to fist in her hair.

I get off on you
Getting off on me
Give you what you want
But nothing is for free
It's a give and take
Kind of love we make
When the line is crossed
I get off
I get off

Vinegar: Wow, Eden can actually sing!

Lieberjosch: Is that what you call it?

Covert Jay: Pfft, there’s nothing Edie can’t do, but if she keeps dancing like that, I’m going to need some… ahem… private time.

There's so much left unspoken
Between the two of us
It's so much more exciting
To look when you can't touch
You could say I'm different
Maybe I'm a freak
But I know how to twist you
To bring you to your knees

After teasing her fingers up and down over herself, Eden drops to her knees alongside Lzzy Hale.

Vinegar: Well, I have no idea if Zane Scott is actually seeing this, but if he is… I hope Eden knows what she’s doing.

Lieberjosch: We’ve wasted enough time here, back to the important stuff.

Vinegar: There’s something more important than the UGWC Champion performing on what could be dubbed “her day” at Wrestlestock?

Lieberjosch: There’s always something more important. Like counting hobos.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

“It would seem, young Zane, that Miss Morgan is…unappreciative of your recent gifts.” Damarest notes this with an amused smirk.

He walks over the table that sits along the wall in Zane’s dressing room and looks at the headless rose stems. Zane looks at them and replies with a sinister grin before walking over to the mini-bar and pulling the door open. He pulls a bottle of water from it and goes over to the large leather couch that takes up the center of the room, quietly sitting on hit. He rests one arm behind his head while using the other to hold his water. His eyes slide closed. Damarest examines the flowers for a few more seconds before picking them up and dropping them into the nearby trashcan. He turns and looks at Zane, whose eyes remain closed.

“She did leave you a note,” Damarest states in his usual slippery tone.

Zane laughs a short laugh before taking a drink from his water bottle. He takes a few seconds to slosh it around in his mouth before swallowing it.

“What does Edie have to say ?” he asks with a grin.

Damarest flips the note open and quickly scans it, punctuating his reading with an amused laugh of his own.

“She’s no Hemingway, but it does convey the point.” He replies.

“Read it.” Zane answers.

Damarest chuckles again.

“Zane, the flowers and the notes were lovely. It’s great to see that you can count backwards from seven. I thought it would be nice to send you something in return, so here are the stems from the roses that you sent me. Have a lovely week.

Little Red Riding Hood (Eden, just in case you’re confused).”

Zane speaks without opening his eyes. His tone is heavy with satisfaction.

“Excellent”. He replies. “It’s all proceeding perfectly.”

The feed abruptly returns to the ring as Zane puts the water down on the table, laces his arms behind his head and proceeds to take a nap on the couch. Damarest is last seen placing the flowers and the note into a clear plastic box. A dangerous smirk occupies his face.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

The crowd gather around the main stage, or what’s left of it after 3 consecutive nights of drunken partying and fan invasions, they eagerly await the announcement of what to expect from the third and final day. You can tell those with day passes from those that have been here since wednesday night. The fresh faces of the daytrippers glow as they bask in the sun, whilst the campers are unified in their nursing of hangovers and greasy, matted hair. But regardless of their experiences over the last few days, everyone, bar the most unfortunate, are excited.

Who will be champion at the end of the night? How will Ooley try to rig things to his advantage? Will Jet Somers or Travis Pierce manage to crowbar himself into this? And what will be the order and schedule of matches. You can almost feel the excitement of the crowd, and if you’re there live you can certainly smell it, excitement and 3 days camping do not mix well.

But then a hushed anticipation comes across the crowd just seconds before the stage explodes into life.

Yeah it’s a bit of hip hop, deal.

Anyway the crowd goes wild, because this is a UGWC crowd, these guys have been here from the start and beyond, and when they hear that tune, it can mean one thing and one thing only.

Covert Jay: BOSS PENGUIN! BOSS PENGUIN!! BOSS PENGUIN!

Lieberjosch: Oh, we’re working now?

Vinegar: We work when we’re needed Hans, you know that, we come and go at the whims of another.

Damn right they do, this shits difficult enough to write given it needs to be up on Saturday, without trying to think of ways to include witty banter from the Three Dweebigoes. Who the fuck runs a festival Thursday-Saturday? No-one, that’s who. Apart from maybe the Germans, but those fuckers are just wrong in the head in general.

Back to events at hand Boss Penguin has indeed turned up on stage and the fans have lost their shit, literally in some cases.

Boss P: NIGGA’S PLEASE![/b]

You won’t hear a bigger pop for stereotypically racist penguins ANYWHERE else on the web, that’s a guarantee.

Boss P: IT’S GREAT TO BE BACK BITCHES, BECAUSE I AIN’T BACK FO’ LONG, YA HEAR? DIS HERE IS A ONE NIGHT DEAL, A VERY LUCRATIVE ONE NIGHT DEAL, YO BITCHES AIN’T NEVER SEEN SO MANY FISH, BUT JUST A ONE NIGHT DEAL NONE THE LESS. SO BITCHES GET YA FILL, BOUNCE YO TITTIES AND MAKE DA BOSS FEEL LIKE YO’ CARE.

It also has to be said that there isn’t another beaked animal in the world who can hold a crowd in the palm of their hand like Boss Penguin.

Boss P: I WAS INVITED BACK BECAUSE THERE WAS DANGER THIS COULD TURN INTO ANOTHER OVERLONG PMN HYPE SEGMENT, AND LETS BE HONEST, WE’VE SEEN ENOUGH OF DAT SHIT OVER DA’ PAST 6 MONTHS, FO’ SHO’! SERIOUSLY ‘DOSE BITCHES MORE OVEREXPOSED ‘DAN A FLASHERS JANGLIES!

I don’t think anyone has ever pulled off the black and white look quite so naturally.

Boss P: IT WAS EITHER INVITE DA’ BOSS BACK OR LET OOLEY GET UP HERE AND SWING HIS DICK ABOUT FOR THE WHOLE DAY, AND WHILST WE ALL KNO’ DAT DEXTA’ VINES’ ENJOYS DAT SHIT SLAPPING AGAINST HIS CHEEKS, DA’ REST OF US DON’T ROLL DAT WAY.

And I can swear on the life of everyone I’m close to, I have never, ever, heard a penguin curse so much.

Boss P: SO WHAT DA BOSS GOT IN STORE FO’ YA’? WELL DAT’S A GOOD QUESTION. I BEEN THINKIN' ABOUT DIS' HERE QUIANDRY FOR A FEW WEEKS NOW, I BEEN SHOOTIN' DA' SHIT WITH MA' BITCHES BACK IN DA BOSSPAD. WHAT CAN DA BOSS BRING TO DA WRESTLESTOCK.

Some fans starting to get impatient now.

Boss P: DID ONE OF YO BITCHES JUST THROW A BOTTLE OF YO' PISS AT DA' BOSS! I AIN'T NO DUMB ROCKSTAR, I AIN'T STANDING FO' DAT!

With amazing dexterity, considering Boss P is indeed a penguin and not just a man in a suit, he pulls a shotgun from behind his back, a stubby naturally, and blows two beanbag rounds into a member of the audience who seemed to be taking credit for the urine missile, that or Boss P just didn't like his face.

Boss P: SOME OF YO' BITCHES GOT SHORT MEMORIES, BOSS P ALWAYS TAKES PROTECTION, AND YO' WON'T SEE DA BOSS WITH A PUSSYWEIGHT BASEBALL BAT SHIT. BOSS P A KINGPIN, NOT A GANGBANGING DOUCHEBAG...

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

It was never going to take particularly long for Boss P’s highly provocative, if highly entertaining, monologue to draw the attention of at least somebody in the field of tour busses that crowd behind the main stage.

Whilst the fans have popped as they know just what this music means, and the combination of Boss P and the incoming star has the potential to be something undeniably entertaining, they do have slightly furrowed brows at the unknown men prancing about on the main stage. It makes for a fairly strange atmosphere, and Robert Ooley senses it the moment he walks out onto the stage to his reception. He looks at them and raises the eyebrow above his patch.

Ooley: What? You stupid fuckers didn’t expect Metallica did you? Those boy’s cost a big ole’ wad of cash to appear let alone play.

Boss P: WHA’, IF YO’ WANTED ‘DEM GUITAR MASHING MULLET BOY’S TO PLAY ALL YO’ NEED DO IS ASK DA’ BOSS, LARS OWES ME ONE AFTER I SORTED OUT THAT NAPSTER FUCKER FOR HIM.

Ooley: The day Ole’ Bob needs to ask for help from a greasy, omega-3 emitting piece of…

Boss P: BOBBIE, BOBBIE, BOBBIE BE CAREFUL WHERE YO’ GO WITH ‘DAT, REMEMBER TODAY YO’ DON’T HOLD DA’ POWER, TODAY YO HAVE TO FIGHT DA’ POWER.

Ooley: What is this dastardly fuckcuntery? Ole’ Bob made it pretty damn clear to Grey Coppi what would happen if people tried to suggest there was a conflict of interest, nobody needs your short midget in a suit ass…

Boss P: I AIN’T NO MIDGET BIATCH! AND FO YO’ INFORMATION, WHAT YO THINK ABOUT CONFLICT OF INTEREST IS IRRELEVANT…

Ooley: I don’t see how , your just an aggressive caricature who enjoys to intimidate others with random acts of violence and a vocabulary straight from a fucking gutter, I think you’ll find what you think doesn’t matter. Toss get security!

Ooley stands awaiting his intern for a few moments, before getting agitated.

Ooley: TOSS!

Still nothing, Ooley’s face has turned a majestic magenta…

Boss P: TODD AIN’T COMIN’ OUT, HE DON’T WORK FO YO’ NO MORE, HE WORK FOR ME BIATCH!

Ooley: What? You have to be mistaken, why would he do that, Ole’ Bob has been like a father figure to that boy, took him under my wing, showed him the ways of the world and how to grind any obstacle that stands in your way into dust, I was moulding him in my image, it’s beyond contemplation. He had so much potential. What was it you offered him?

Boss P: OH DAT SHIT WAS SIMPLE, NIGGA BEEN A DAMN INTERN FO’ FOUR YEARS OR SOME SHIT, DA’ BOSS JUST TOLD HIM HE’D GET A PERMANENT, FULL TIME POSITION…

Ooley: You did what? That’s got to be the single most stupid thing I’ve ever heard, you really ‘Cyclone’ fucked that one. Not only will you have to look at his stupid fucking face all day, you’ll have to pay him for the damn privilege. Sucker…

Boss P: DAT’S FUCKIN’ FUNNY, YO’ ACTUALLY BELIEVE DA’ BOSS WAS TELLING DA’ TRUTH? DAT BITCH HAS ALREADY SERVED A PURPOSE, HE GONE IN DA MORNIN’.

Ooley smiles.

Ooley: Stupid assfuck. TOSS! YOU HEARD HIM, GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE NOW AND BRING SECURITY WITH YOU!

It’s now Boss Penguins turn to…well…if you look at his beak you can tell he’s happy.

Boss P: HE DIDN’T HEAR A WORD YO’ SILLY NIGGA, TODD IS IN WYOMING…

Ooley: Why?

Boss P: YEAH WYOMING…

Ooley: No, Why?

Boss P: I CAN ASSURE YO’ HE IS IN WYOMING…

Ooley: No, fucking pond life, why is he IN Wyoming?

Boss P: WHY DA’ FUCK NOT, DA’ BOSS DON’T WANNA BE LOOKIN’ AT DAT UGLY FACE DURING DA’ DAY, DAT’S DA KINDA SHIT DAT PUT’S A GUY OF HIS FISH , YA HEAR ME?

Ooley stands for a moment and he just looks at Boss P.

Ooley: Let’s get back to the main point, the fuckcuntery that is going on right now. What makes you think you have the authority to run this day...

Boss P: IF YOU HAD ATTENDED DA’ MEETING WITH DA’ BENEFACTOR YOU WOULD NOT BE UP HERE MAKING A DAMN FOOL OF YOSELF. CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF DA’ PIERCING MEDIA NETWORK DON’T RUN DIS SHIT…

Ooley: I never suggested such a fucking stupid idea, the Directors are clearly in charge…

Boss P: AWWW, YO A FUNNY RASCAL, YO’ KNOW DAT’ RIGHT? DAT’S MORE AMUSING DAN DE IDEA JET AND PIERCE RUN DIS SHIT! YO AND DEXTA’ ARE DISPOSABLE! YO AIN’T THE ONLY OVERWEIGHT, IGNORANT, SWEARING MUTHAFUCKA OUT ‘DERE, AND MY PRESENCE MAY JUST BE A SMALL REMINDER OF DAT!

Ooley: If you think I’m just got bend over and take whatever shit you think you can fucking….

Boss P: BOBBIE, BOBBIE, BOBBIE, I DON’T CARE. I COULDN’T GIVE TWO POLAR BEAR SHITS FO’ WHAT YO’ THINK!

This stuns Ooley into silence.

Boss P: DA’ BOSS HAS A SHOW TO KICK OFF, AND YO WHINING, BLUBBER FILLED ASS IS DELAYING ‘DAT SHIT, AND BECAUSE YO’ DECIDED TO COME OUT FIRST WITHOUT AN INVITATION, YO’ BE LAST TO FIND OUT YO’ FATE TODAY. LET’S GET DA’ REST OF TODAY’S LISTED COMPETITORS OUT HERE PRONTO!

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

The next competitor to make his way onto the stage is the man responsible for how this weekend kicked off, and arguably for much of the destruction we have seen throughout the park, ‘The Drunken Buzzsaw’ Chaos.

And inevitably, the appearance of someone that many of these bikers hold in such high regard is the catalyst for more wild acts of rebellion/celebration. At least four more concession stands are lost as they are enveloped in flame, and a small group of bikers were so excited with this appearance they decided to mark the occasion by smashing glass bottles over each other’s heads and starting a mild mannered brawl.

As Chaos stand before him Boss P aims his beak upwards towards him.

Boss P: YO’ ONE HAIRY MOTHAFUCKA, AIN’T YA? NICE TO MAKE YO ACQUAINTANCE…

Ooley: Are you going to tell anyone what’s actually going on, or just call us out here to stand around like window licking Enigma fans?

Boss P: NO-ONE INVITED YO UGLY ASS OUT ONTO DA’ STAGE, YO DRAGGED DAT MONSTA OUT HERE ON YO’ OWN VOLITION! BUT I AM GONNA LET DA’ BITCHES WHO BEEN BOUNCIN’ SINCE DA’ BOSS ARRIVED KNOW HOW DIS DAY IS GONNA FLOW…

Now the fans get excited, what will the action entail today.

Boss P: EACH OF DA’ NIGGA’S AND NIGGARINA’S DAT BE COMPETING FOR DA WORLD TITLE ON DIS’ ‘ERE DAY, ARE GONNA COME OUT, AND DA’ BOSS IS GONNA GIVE DEM’ A CHALLENGE. IF DEY’ ARE SUCCESSFUL DEY’ WILL BE MOVING TO THE FINAL MATCH FO DA’ CHAMPIONSHIP, BUT IF DEY’ FAIL…DEN DA’ WEEKEND IS OVER FO’ DEM…

Ooley: There can’t be that many fish based challenges…

Boss P: OI! FOOLEY! QUIT INTERUPTING DA’ BOSS, IF YO KEEP RUININ’ MY FLOW I’MMA RUIN YOURS’, YA HEAR…

Ooley: Really, you’re threatening me?

Boss P: BIATCH HOLD YO’ TONGUE, YO’ EVER EXPERIENCE BEANBAG ROUNDS FIRED POINT BLANK INTO YO’ JANGLIES? CAUSE’ I IS JUST AT THE RIGHT HEIGHT TO MAKE DEM MY OPTIMUM TARGET.

Boss P: NOW LOOK WHAT YO’ DONE YO’ ONE EYED FUCKIN’ TOTEM POLE, YO GONE AND JK-ED DA’ DAMN ENTRANCE SCHEDULE AND DA OTHER BIG NIGGA IS COMIN’ OUT!

Indeed Zane Scott walks onto the stage standing a few feet away from Chaos, each man gives the other a rather cursory glance before fixing their attentions on the penguin in front of them.

Boss P: GLAD YO COULD MAKE IT TOO, YO FUCKERS GONNA GIVE DA’ BOSS NECK CRAMP. IN TWO HOURS OR SO, DA UGWC WORLD HEAVWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP WILL BE DEFENDED IN ‘DAT VERY RING, IF YOU TWO WANT A SHOT AT BEING INVOLVED YO’ GOTTA COMPLETE YO’ INDIVIDUAL CHALLENGES…

He turns to Chaos

Boss P: WE GONNA START WITH ‘DIS HAIRY NIGGA HERE. YO NAME BE CHAOS, YO’ A BIG SCARY BIKER WHO ENJOYS DA THRILL OF A THROBBIN’ BETWEEN HIS LEGS, DA’ BLOWIN’ OF DA WIND, DA DRINKIN’ OF DA’ BEER, AND DA INTIMIDATION OF DA CLEAN AND WASHED. BUT DA’ THING IS, YO BE OLD, REAL OLD FO DIS BUSINESS, IT BE LIKE FATHER TIME CAME AND SWAPPED HIS WRINKLY ASS WITH YO’. SO DA’ BOSS WANT’S YO TO PROVE YO CAN KEEP UP WITH DA YOUF OF TODAY. ‘DARE BE AN ATHLETICS TRACK ON DIS’ PARK, YO GOTTA GET DARE’ AND COMPLETE 10 LAPS IN 60 MINUTES…ON FOOT, NOT ON YO’ BIKE….

Ooley: Pfft! Bitch could walk that in half the time…

Boss P: DARE BE MORE TO IT THAN JUST DAT, DESPITE THE VISUAL CLUES TO DA CONTRARY, DISS’ AIN’T THE PARALYMPICS AND DA’ BOSS KNOWS DAT. WHEN YO GET TO DA’ TRACK CHAOS, ALL WILL BECOME CLEAR.

The penguin now turns and looks towards Zane Scott.

Boss P: DA FUCK ‘DEY PUT IN DA’ WATER WHEN YO’ TWO WERE GROWIN’. BUT YO A BIG STAR ZANE, ‘DEY ALL BE TALKIN’ ABOUT YO OUT IN DA TOWNS, IN DA;’ PARKS, ZANE SCOTT BE DA’ MAN. DA’ STONGEST, DA TOUGHEST, DA’ MOST POWERFUL. YO TASK IS TO FIND 10 ENTERTAINMENT PROFESSIONALS WHO WILL ACCEPT YO’ CHALLENGE TO FIGHT, AND DEN BEAT ALL 10 BEFORE CHAOS FINISHES HIS 10 LAPS AND RETURNS TO THE MAIN RING, OR DIES TRYING WHICHEVER COMES FIRST…

Boss P then turns to Ooley…

Boss P: YO ASS CAN STOP LOOKIN’ SO EXPECTANT, WE GOT ONE MORE PERSON TO WELCOME BEFORE I GIVE YOU YO’ CHALLENGE…

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

The first few notes of “Uknowhatiwant” hits and Eden bursts out from the back full of energy, throwing deuces in the air and holding the UGWC World Title high. The crowd lets out a cheer and then, almost a collective gasp, as the fans start to notice the red cloak tied around her neck. Eden continues on as if nothing is out of the ordinary, dancing her way down to the ring, the crowd finally getting back into the spirit of things by chanting “Uknowhatiwant!” with the song. Eden high-fives several hands and blows kisses, around the side of the stage. She holds the belt over her head again, the cheer deafening, as she tugs at the ties holding the cloak in place at her throat, catching it just before it drops to the mat. Sliding the belt onto her shoulder, she turns to Zane Scott, balls the cloak up and throws it in his face. She doesn’t even wait to see his reaction, instead turning to the surreal figure of Boss Penguin who has watched this display with great interest.

Boss P: DAT WAS A NICE ENTRANCE, I THINK I’M MISSIN’ SOMETHIN’ BETWEEN YO’ TWO, BUT SHIT ZANE, IF BITCHES BE JUMPIN’ ABOUT AND THROWIN’ DARE’ CLOTHES IN YO’ FACE YO’ MUST BE DOIN’ SOMETHIN’ RIGHT, YA HEAR ME.

Zane Scott lets a wry smile cross his face as Eden shoots the Penguin a harsh look, whilst continuing to try and work out what the fuck a penguin is doing running a wrestling show.

Boss P: SO YO’ BE DA NIGGARINA WORLD CHAMPION HUH? DA BOSS LIKES HIMSELF A FINE ASS BIATCH DAT KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE HERSELF, JUST ASK GABBY. AND DIS COMPANY IT’S HAD IT’S FAIR SHARE OF FINE ASS BIATCHES OVER DA YEARS, BUT YO IS DA’ FIRST ONE TO EVER BECOME DA’ WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION. DAT’ MAKES YO’ PRETTY SPECIAL, HUH? WELL DA’ BOSS WOULD LIKE TO SEE JUST HOW SPECIAL YO’ ARE BIATCH, AND YOU GONNA HAVE TO SURVIVE, UNTIL DA’ CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH WITHOUT LOSING TO ANY OF DA FINE ASS NIGARINA’S I’VE INVITED OUT FOR DA RIDE. IF YOU DO GET PINNED, OR FORCED TO SUBMIT, THE FINE ASS BITCH ‘DAT BEATS YA, SHE BE DA’ ONE WHO PROGRESSES TO THE FINAL MATCH. THEY GONNA BE COMIN’ AT YA FROM EVERY ANGLE, LIKE A TEENAGE BOYS WILDEST DREAMS, AND THE AVERAGE NIGHT IN DA BOSSCAVE!

Eden looks around, possibly not sure if this is serious or a joke…

Boss P: WHAT YO WAITN’ FO’ BIATCHES? EDEN YO BE MAKIN’ HOME IN DAT RING DOWN DARE, CHAOS DAT ATHLETICS TRACK AIN’T COMIN’ TO YO, AND ZANE PEOPLE MOST CERTAINLY AREN’T GONNA COME UP AND CHALLENGE YO’ MERCENARY ASS.

Ooley: Hey dinglebitch! The fuck? You forget about Ole’ Bob!

Boss P merely shakes his head and looks towards the back of the stage where a well built, short haired blonde man walks out onto stage.

Covert Jay: MCZYGMUNT CUBED!!!!Polish Bodybuilder and Musician!!!

Vinegar: Oh dear god, now it makes sense.

Even Ole’ Bob has worked it out, because McZygmunt has a harness strapped to his back, along with an array of bean bag adapted weaponary. In a display of amazing athleticism, especially given Penguins are flightless birds, Boss P leaps up and lands in said harness.

Boss P: DAT’S RIGHT BOBBIE, YO GOT UNTIL THE OTHERS FINISH TO CATCH MA’ ON MA’ POLISH BODYBUILDER…YEAH BIATCHES, IT’S DA RETURN OF…DA BOSS P ON A POLE MATCH!

And as if to punctuate the sentence Boss P pulls a sidearm from the impressive harness system and fires two rounds directly into Ooley’s ageing knee’s, causing him to buckle.

Boss P: RUN BIATCH, RUN!

McZygmunt sets off towards the direction of the back of the stage, the crowd turn to one another and wonder what the hell they should do, will the video screen’s follow all the widely disbursed action or should they venture further out into the park. But if they do they risk losing their premium spots come Main Event time, surely is some serious decisions for them.

Ooley gets up and starts his pursuit just as McZygmunt starts to exit, and Boss P firing one last shot in the direction of Ooley has one last thing to say.

Boss P: SUCKER…

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Chaos makes it to the Atheltics track after about ten minutes, flanked by fans and fellow bikers alike he walks towards the 400 meter track. When you look at Chaos it’s hard to believe he was the kind of kid that relished cross-country during high school, but on the other end of the scale you imagine he spent a lot of his youth trying to evade pursuers at speed.

The facial expression as he walks into this sports field speaks volumes however, a grimace crosses his face, he looks down at the legs that are most used to the throbbing hum of a large and powerful engine when large distances have to be covered, not being responsible for the main bulk of said journey, especially after the type of weekend Chaos and The DMW have had.

But his expression changes and lights up a little when he closes in on the track, as he see’s numerous silhouettes around the running area, all relatively recognisable. You see, Chaos was not thrilled about the idea of having to fight against the inevitable effects of time upon his body to complete this challenge, which was a daunting proposition. Now, however, it seems they have sent him some presents; some flesh and bones people to try and stop him completing the challenge , and he was far more confident fighting them than he was his own condition. They’d provide the adrenaline, The DMW would provide the Beer.

Chaos is ready to do this.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zane knew just how shrewd the Penguin had been, anyone who has the slightest inkling of UGWC knows that very few people will voluntarily face off against The Personification of Pain, and not everyone on the roster has hung around when they haven’t been involved, many were finished with their week yesterday and have already let the state, let alone the park.

Zane embraced the challenge, so often in this business it was all about the physical demands, and we all know Zane’s abilities, and genetics, make that side of things straightforward for him. Before the last few months, you may have expected Zane to struggle somewhat, he wan't renown for being the smartest cookie, and convincing people to willingly fight him might have been considered beyond his capabilities. But in recent months Zane had set about proving to people there was more to him than just brute force, and he relished the opportunity to display such qualities once more on the biggest stage.

Zane had things he wanted to achieve today, and they involved him surviving to the end, along with others, he can’t let his reputation as a cold blooded, immoral, beast stand in his way of the bigger picture, that ultimate goal. He’d find 10 people, he’d be convincing, charming even, then he would destroy them, and put his focus back on what really matters.

Zane turns his head and looks back towards World Heavyweight Champion Eden Morgan, his gaze lingering on her for a few moments as she climbs into the ring.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr Scott is not the only person that welcomes his challenge. Eden Morgan is relishing the next hour, she is under no illusions it will be tough, she wouldn’t even say she was hugely confident despite everything she has achieved in the brief few months she has been with the company, but what she knew she was, was ready.

Ever since she won the Massive Melee and subsequently went on to beat Jet Somers the inevitable comparisons and questions began. Was she as good as Gabrielle Montgomery, or Chassie Fear, or Chinatsu Chen or Sheena Ramone…OK, OK, no-one asked about Sheena, but you get the point. And many people had deemed she wasn’t as good, that she rode on the coat tails of Jez and Jet, that she wouldn’t be where she is today if it wasn’t for her connections. Through all that, many people had come to a conclusion, a conclusion that hurts Eden more than any in-ring move, that Eden Morgan as World Heavyweight Champion shows just how far UGWC has fallen…

This was her time to put that right, this was the time to disprove the misogynists, this was the time to settle all those doubts and move forward with respect. More than anything though, it was time for Eden to prove it all to herself.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

’Muthafucking, cock smoking, pussy fearing, log choking, flippered bitch best not be thinking of trying a play for power, the censors, as lax as they are, certainly wouldn’t stand for two of us.’ Thought Robert Ooley as he tried to focus on the task of both avoiding the frequent bean bag rounds that fly towards him, and keeping his eyes on Boss P and his Pole as they make their escape through the crowd.

’Is this shit really worth it? Ole’ bob’ does not do contact with the general public, there should always be at least a rope divide and several layers of security between myself and scum. But now, on the whims of that black and white bastard, not only am I in their general vicinity, but I also have to make contact with hundreds of them…’ He thinks as he sees the large, yet sprightly frame of McZygmunt disappear into a large tent, ’Great inside close quarters with the unwashed masses, he knows how to push my buttons, I’ll give him that…’

Ooley starts pushing his way to the tent, but unsurprisingly having seen the celebrity that is Boss Penguin enter moments earlier, the entrance has become flooded with fans desperate to catch a glimpse of their favourite cussing penguin. ’To use Louis or not to use Louis, that is the question. Of course it wouldn’t go down all that well with the lawyers if I started hitting random fucktards in the head, but in my defence they are directly in my way’ Whilst such reasoning is not only applicable to the likes of Ooley, he looks around for an opening and realises something that hadn’t struck him until this moment, he was not the only one carrying a Louis. ’Shit, biggest selling piece of merchandise at WrestleStock huh? I look forward to the fat cheque..’

As he closes in on the entrance to the tent, out of nowhere, he snatches an imitation Louis from a small child and snaps it in half over his shoulder, much to the annoyance of the child’s parents, but before they can complain Ooley explains.

Ooley: ’Don’t buy the cheap imitation shit bitches, buy the official merchandise and that won’t happen.’

And with that he strides into the tent, and immediately stops in his tracks.

’Mother...’

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Lap 1

Chaos completed the first half of the first lap at his own pace, and with relative ease, but as he takens the second corner his first obstacle nears. Clearly it’s a large and well-built man, but as we get closer to them we see it’s not a wrestler, no in fact it’s Charlie Hunnam, lead actor and star of huge hit TV Show, Sons of Anarchy. Chaos is pretty surprised, as he enjoys the show despite some of the inconsistencies it shows, and strides over arm stretched out…

Chaos: Wow, I wasn’t expecting this, it’s a pleasure…

Hunnam: The fuck are you doing?

Chaos smile instantly changes to that of a confused, yet angry, scowl.

Chaos: Why should I tell you?

Hunnam: Don’t play that card, you stole our entire product! Since 2008 we’ve been working our asses off to make SoA the success it is today, and you waltz in and steal our whole unique selling point…you are a fraud…

? ? ?: Yeah bitch, what gives you the right…

Rather confusingly the third person to enter the fray is a wrestler, and it’s none other than Bubba-Ray/Bully Ray Dudley of TNA.

Bully Ray: Fuckin’ asshole coming out and making all the hard work we’ve done ripping off their product count for nothing. Sons of Anarchy is MY favourite show, and I stole the idea of a clubhouse and brotherhood months before you even showed your head…

Hunnam: You stole the idea too?

Bully Ray: Sure did, months[/b] ago!

Hunnam: Well this is copyright infringement and I want you to stop…

Bully Ray: That ain’t going to happen…

Charlie Hunnam looks sidewise at Bully Ray and is clearly pretty confused…

Hunnam: Um, that’s cool, no-one gives a fuck what’s going on in TNA, hell rip it off word for word for all we care…but you…

Chaos just raises his hand up and signals for the actor to stop as Bully Ray tries to hold back the tears.

Chaos: Look bro, I respect your work, I really do. You’re a great actor, and I’m sure your family are happy with your pretty boy looks, steady paycheque and growing Hollywood reputation. However, you need to be clear on one thing, you ripped us off. For all your shows positives, you plagiarised my culture, my lifestyle, my soul. So before you continue making those demands of yours, remember I’m a legit biker, that the Devil’s Most Wanted are real not created by one of the Shield producers, and we settle matters like this in a very obvious fashion. This ‘rant’ is more than many of us speak in an entire week.

For a moment Charlie Hunnam considers squaring up to Chaos, but something in Chaos’ eyes suggests he would be more than happy to gain national infamy crippling one of the biggest draws on cable over the last few years, and Charlie had walked through the park earlier in the day, and knows Chaos isn’t over exaggerating. He nods and turns around.

Bully Ray on the other hand.

Bully Ray: We still have business though, this business ain’t big enough for us both, there’s not enough room for…

Chaos doesn’t have time to listen to this, he has 9 and ½ laps still to complete.

Covert Jay: ALCOHOL FUELED BRUTALITY!!!

Bully ray is quickly dealt with, and Chaos sets back off on his walk, as he passes the downed body of the Dudley he looks down.

Chaos – ‘I made room!’

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Entertainment Professional One

Zane is inside a tent, a tent that is filled with fans, but there is a very big empty space round The Personification of Hate, with only one person anywhere near him.

Zane – ‘Fight me’.

His words are slow, methodical, calm and very, very cold. There is a demanding nature that stretches far beyond the fact he is 6’6” and built like a brick shithouse, an insistence in his tone, an urging in his eyes, something unexplainable that makes you think it’ll be worse for you if you don’t. It’s a very subtle form of persuasion…

The only thing is, the man standing directly in front of Zane Scott, the man Scott stumbled across first was…

Brandon McSkinny, who just sits their shaking in excitement. It’s been a long, LONG time since McSkinny was on TV, and an even longer time since anyone worth any degree of interest had looked at him let alone spoken to him. So the trembling, the cold sweats and inability to form a cohesive sentence aren’t due to fear, not at all. McSkinny is actually looking forward to this.

Problem is he is lacking the cognitive resources to actually confirm this is the case, and Zane is aware the rules were very clear he had to challenge and have the challenge accepted for any victory to count. It is taking every modicum of self-control Scott has to not hammer McSkinny into the floor out of pure frustration.

Zane - ‘Fight me.’

McSkinny - ‘Oh….Uh….Um….Ah…..Uh….Buh….'

Whilst Zane can no longer be considered to be stupid, one thing still flummoxes him, leaves him unable to formulate a proper plan, unable to move from default position of big and scary, and that one thing...the monumentally stupid. McSkinny's responses flip a switch in Zane, and he does not suffer fools lightly, and every moment that passes with McSkinny forgetting how to use the English language, the angrier Zane gets, and the sharper and shorter his request becomes.

Luckily for Mr Scott, his contacts have a lot of money, own a lot of companies and keep tabs on him on a fairly regular basis, so it didn’t surprise anyone when a well-dressed man in a suit came pushing through the crowd and whispered into Zane Scott’s ear.

Zane: ‘Fight me. Nod to accept, shake your head to Decline.'

McSkinny nods his head.

Zane is relaxed.

McSkinny is dead.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Eden awaits her first challenge, and then it strikes her, she has a very different proposition to Zane and Chaos, there challenges are very specific, you can track their progress at any given time, Eden on the other hand has only one goal, survive with the Championship intact. Therte is no progress bar, sure the longer she survives the better her odds, but she’s smart enough to know that all it takes is 3 brief seconds to end her reign, her dreams, and they can come out of nowehere at any time. She knows she has to stay alert.

And it’s at that very moment she feels her heart sink, as the stage curtains part she realises she didn’t even start off alert enough. As Victoria ‘Vix’ Jensen walks through the ropes, she realised she’d made an assumption, one that could be very detrimental. She has to survive a host of fdemale competitors, she assumed they’d be individual challengers.

She was wrong.

‘Vix’ is followed onto, then off of, the stage by “Da Missus” Nicole wife of former UGWC roster member Herr Zimmermann, and just behind her walks Jane Jasso, an associate of former UGWc jobber Robert ‘The Fierce Warrior’ Montana.

Three people at once, but Eden felt confident, she knew Vix would be the toughest challenge of the three, but she was still a rookie who hadn’t been in a ring since Massive Melee, and in that time Eden had come on leaps and bounds. She knew that any of the previous male World Champions would have easily overcome these 3 people, she had to do the same thing.

And it started off pretty straight forward, she immediately got rid of Jane Jasso with the smart manoeuvre of throwing her head first into one of the world’s largest and sweatiest men, and then lifting his arm up to rub the poor girls face in a forest of underarm. That was enough for Jane to run screaming to the back, and in fairness anyone of us would do the same thing.

Nicole was a bit tougher a cookie, she clearly had a vengeful side to her that took great glee in punishing those around her, Eden however was in no mood to take any punishment from a nobody the crowd didn’t even recognise, so she quickly formed an alliance with Victoria Jensen.

Eden remembered ‘Vix’ from her brief spell with the Specter group, she was always very supportive of Eden, and was very pro ensuring a glass ceiling did not exist for female workers, and that was Eden’s angle. Eden asked Vix to help her get rid of “Da Missus”, so that the two of them could truly showcase what the fairer hug can do inside the ring.

And it was a successful plea, Vix and Eden very quickly disposed of Nicole before turning their attentions on one another, and it was an incredible display of athleticism, determination, grace and toughness. Victoria and Eden were putting on a hell of a show. That was before though.

Eden’s day had only just started.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

...fucker’

He walked in the door and realised there was more to his challenge than had initially been revealed, he looks across a sea of faces he recognises for numerous reasons, and at the back of the tent, separated from Ooley by a sea of others is Boss Penguin.

Boss P: DAT BE RIGHT BIATCH! YO’ SO PROUD TO BE DIRECTOR OF HUMAN RESOURCES, DESE’ ‘ERE FINE INDIVIDUALS HAVE ALL AT SOME POINT FALLEN FOUL OF YOU, OR SOMEBODY VERY MUCH LIKE YOURSELF, AND EVERY ONE OF ‘DEM IS ITCHIN’ TO SEE YOU FAIL…HABVE FUN, TIME IS TICKING AWAY.

Ooley looks across the sea of stupidity that stands between him and his potential success.

’I’ll give him this, he’s a damn smart fuck, considering his limited cranium capacity, he ensured the liability that is Toss was out of the way, got the fans excited but also split the action to avoid overcrowding, and now this. If it wasn’t for the fact I have to deal directly with this sea of mong I’d be giving him a round of applause and a fucking medal. As it stand though I have work to do. Ah, William Everknight, it’s great to see you again’

Louis: THWACK!

’Wow, holy mother of everything fuckable in California, Duncan Ryder, has let himself go, didn’t he used to be the attractive on in the TVHS? Shit, looks like he’s auditioning for the Stay Puff marshmallow man in a Ghostbusters reboot….’

Louis: THWACK!

’Robert Montana! I’ll admit I know the name, fucked if I knew anything he ever achieved.’

Louis: THWACK!

’Michael Capelli, isn’t it? I never fuckin’ cared for him’

Louis: THWACK!

It’s at this point that Ole’ Bob looks upwards, and despite the unconscious bodies he has left in his wake, he has made very little progress, and in front of him still lays the ocean of disappointment.

’Slack jawed, window licking, wastes of genetic material…c’mon Louis we got a lot of fuckin’ work to do.’

Louis: THWACK…THWACK…BOING…THWACK!!!

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Lap 4

We rejoin Chaos on his 4th lap, sweat now starting to appear on his forehead, but that’s less likely an issue with the distance travelled, but more likely to have something to do with Andy Savana. For those of you that don’t know Andy Savana, I envy you. Anyone else that does knows he’s potentially the most frustratingly annoying member of UGWC’s history.

Andy Savana debuted in GIW when it first debuted, and it cannot be denied that Savana is a highly creative individual. He is also the least dependable, most infuriating and logically defying stupid and intelligent at the same time, person you’ll ever meet. He wasn’t even paid to appear at the show this weekend, no he bought a camping ticket himself, we assume, he might just live in New Orleans City Park all year around.

And at this point he is slowing Chaos down by clinging to his leg, and Chaos has clearly lost patience trying to remove him, and has decided it will be easier and less effort to just continue his adventure with a crying Savana ankle bracelet.

Before Savana attached himself to his leg Chaos had taken care of such obstacles as a Bull, Xavier Bryan, Coldplay, ‘Lord’ Deathman, and Charlie Sheen. But now he approaches the latest obstacle, it’s former GIW World Heavyweight Champion Brandon Brown, and Movie Star Nic Cage.

Brandon: Look, if you just keep calm we might get a shot at reviving our own show.

Nic Cage: Shouldn’t we make sure there is some kind of treasure hunt for us to go on then, it’s not going to excite them much if all we’re doing is standing on a running track talking about what would be exciting to do.

Brandon: You’re right, but they specifically told us to come and stand over here, so there must be a reason for it? Why do you think that is?

Nic Cage: Don’t look at me, I’m Nic Cage, have you seen ANY of my movies, when do you think the last time I asked for clarification on the directors wishes?

Brandon: Good point…oh look there's Andy Savana attached to a hairy giant…Andy! Any idea why we were sent here?

Chaos stops in his tracks and looks up…

Chaos: You know this guy?

Brandon: Sure, it’s Andy Savana, GIW Legend…

Chaos smiles, bends down and wrenches Savana from his ankle and throws him directly at Brown, who is sent tumbling backwards, Savana’s boot catches Nic Cage who goes sprawling onto his ass.

Nic Cage: You could have broken my jaw and put me out of circulation for months.

Chaos: Shame that.

And Chaos keeps on his journey!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Entertainment Professional 6

Yeah, that’s right, whilst everyone else is struggling to make head way Zane Scott has already defeated 5 Entertainment Professionals.

After he disposed of Brandon McSkinny he was fortunate to run into Forewell Boding, baiting him was as easy as telling him Zane had access to information regarding a Sultana counterfeiting organisation that was trying to pass Raisins off as Sultana’s. Forewell got instantly excited and accepted to the match in good faith expecting Zane to hand him highly classified documents afterwards.

Forewell Boding then experienced a sit out spine buster slam, and is still unconscious. Zane Scott has no information regarding Sultana counterfeiting.

Then came a tag team, that’s right, the brick City Boyz thought this would be a marvellous opportunity for them to re-establish themselves in the wrestling industry once more, however the closest they got to re-entering the business was when Zane easily chokeslammed them both, at the same time, through a DVD concession stand.

Number 5 was The Can of Gold Bond, find out more here: ewrestling.wikia.com/wiki/Can_of_Gold_Bond

Number 6 has just entered and begged Zane Scott for a match, on one condition, and that is that Scott helps him out in return, apparently Zane Scott is the ONLY man who can help. Intrigued Zane Scott turns to the flustered and out of breath Dylan James and tells him to expand.

Apparently 4 years ago a rogue monkey broke into DJ’s house and made aggressive sexual advances towards DJ’s mother, this clearly scarred DJ greatly, especially given it happened in front of him, on the kitchen table, and his mother seemingly welcomed the attention. Anyhow since then said monkey has moved into Dylan James house, asserted his authority over his mother and Dylan James, and DJ feels like he is a slave in his own home.

Dylan james is happy to take whatever punishment Zane Scott can dish out to him on the condition Zane saves his family from this Simian menace.

Zane agreed.

DJ got hit with Murderous Intent.

Dylan James is brain damaged.

Zane Scott lied about helping him.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Eden has to this point put on one hell of a show, she eventually dispatched of Victoria Jensen in what was a truly sensational display of in ring psychology and mutual respect. Both competitors clearly enjoyed the experience of competing just for the sake of competition, a scenario so rare in this industry, and the general consensus is the two of them could put on even better showings as they continue to mature.

But Victoria Jensen, and the other two who were so insignificant the crowd have already forgotten their names, were simply rookies, their numbers were initially an issue, but Eden knew from the moment they appeared in her vision if she couldn't defeat them, she didn't deserve to call hers World Heavyweight Champion.

She knew things were going to get tougher, and tougher they got.

The next competitor was none other than arguably the individual that should be known as UGWC's First Lady, the one that blazed the trail for everyone else, Chassie Fear. Eden knew all about Chassie, she'd grown up watching her from up close and afar, but that didn't help, the only thing that was predictable about Chassie, was the fact she was so unpredictable.

And so it proved, Chassie initially refused to enter the ring, which prompted Eden to approach her, which was the Champions first real mistake of the day, because Chassie seized on the opportunity to grab her opponents legs and drag her through the ropes, to the outside, otherwise known as Chassie's realm.

And it doesn't take long before Eden's head is ringing after being slammed, with force, into the steel ring steps. Chassie Fear can mix it with the most technical wrestlers on the planet, she can brawl with the toughest, fligh with the highest but if you put her near weaponry, of any kind, she becomes the one of the best in the business. Eden knew this, but the impact of the ring steps, combined with the intense heat of the sun meant she left her guard down, and before she knew it Chassie had her hands on an imitation Louis.

What proceeded to happen drew winces from roughly half the crowd, those that had spent the night drinking their body weight in alcohol and were spending this day nursing their hangovers in particular, for Chassie Fear decided to use Eden Morgan's head as a piñata. Some crowd members found it so harrowing they couldn't help but arrange an impromptu reunion with their breakfasts.

Then came the blood, and there was a lot of it, Chassie's relentless swings finally bust open Eden, and The World Champion falls backwards, her face quickly becoming a crimson mask. Chassie smiles a knowing smile, she's seen her prey in this position before, and she can smell victory.

She takes a few hard swings at Eden's knee's for good measure before rolling her into the ring and looking out at the crowd with a very satisfied look on her face. The Champion rolls into the centre of the ring, clutching her knee's whilst also trying to wipe blood from her eyes, even through the pain she knows these could be the last moments of her reign as UGWC World Heavyweight Champion.

She couldn't really complain, she'd had a damn good run, if as the clock struck midnight and called in 2013 people had told her just over 7 months later she'd be walking into UGWC WrestleStock as the UGWC World Heavyweight Champion , she'd have looked for the date grape drugs and kept her distance from that person for the rest of time. She had done great, and it had been a good learning experience, but all good things have to come to an end.

And she accepted it.

Chassie climbed into the ring, ready to finish Eden's reign.

Eden hit her with a small package and survived for at least a little longer.

Eden was ready to lose now, she'd accepted it, that didn't mean she had to like it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'James Caspian*? Ah, the 7 foot penis.'

THWACK!

James Carson*. Sperm Gobbler.

THWACK!

Steven Stone*. Asshat.

BOINK!

Vaughn Brennan*. Monkeyfuckinggenitallicker!

THUD!

THUD!

Michale Gordy*. Vaginal Discharge.

THWACK!

Jason Grant*. Dildo Hoarder,

THWACK!

*Clearly Robert Ooley doesn't remember the names of all these people, in fact he barely recognises the faces of half his current roster, but neither do the fans. But the fans read dirtsheet websites, the fans know names, so each worker at the event, that wasn't currently on TV, was asked to wear a T-Shirt with their name on it. Seriously, would you recognise Robert Montana?

Ooley takes a moment and looks behind him at the trail of destruction, and as he does so we can observe that we have only been witness to a small percentage of his activities, their have been countless baseball smacks and imaginative cursing that we have not been privy too, but then he looks ahead, and takes a beanbag round to his exposed eye, but he'd already seen enough.

'Is this it? The past forty minutes have been like a fucking metaphor for nearly forty years of my life, swimming in a sea of shit with only the worlds most uncompromisingly entitled, monumentally deficient, mentally vacuous specimens of humanity for company? Ole' Bob is a man of science, but this is beyond fucking coincidence, maybe there is a god and Ole' Bob did something to offend him, I can't understand what in the fuck tunnels of hell I could have done. But this is most certainly strange and unusual punishment, a lesser man would have become borderline sociopathic. I'm even in a tenuous understanding with Bummers and Point, what the fuck did I do to deserve this? Whatever the fuck it was, Ole' Bob ain't standing for it a moment longer!'

He looks up, a new determination in his eyes and he's greeted by the sight of Mark Porter, former LWF Champion Red Fusion, Medos, 'The Cautionary Tale' Felix McAnus, Greg Berrien and Big B Brown all standing between him and a direct path to Boss P on his Pole.

'SOUL RAPISTS!!!'

THWACK! THWACK! BOING! THUD! THWACK! BOING!

And it is only at this moment does Boss P realise the flaw in his masterplan, he put himself at the back of the tent, with no option of escape, expecting Ooley to be swamped...

Boss P: BRING OUT DA' BIG NIGGA'S NOW!!!

Luckily, Boss P always has a Plan B, and in this case that means former UGWC Champion a house sized Sumo Warrior, Komosube and all 7'2” of 'The Monster' Dredd.

'Motherfucker'