Post by Mr.Ego on Aug 1, 2013 2:37:16 GMT -5
The scene cuts to a large studio, which is filled to capacity with screaming fans. Men, women, and children of all ages pack the seats full, and the scene is reminiscent of a time long ago, when the wrestling industry was ruled by one man.
One legend.
One icon.
He was a man that would verbally berate each of his opponents into submission, and then go out and pick the bones of whatever poor sap was his sacrificial lamb of the week. And by God, he looked damn good doing it, too.
That man was known by many names: Mr. Ego; Vanity at its Finest; Arrogance Personified; The Money Maker; The Vain One. The masses, however, strictly referred to him as Vain.
And this ratings phenomenon was – and is, once again – known as “The Vain Vault”.
Numerous stagehands are frantically ensuring that the show is ready to go on the air. They check the lighting, the microphones, the cameras, and everything in between with regards to the set. They also ensure that there are numerous ice cold Deer Park waters within arm’s reach of the hosts’ desk. Vain is hard to deal with when he’s in a good mood. If he doesn’t have his bottled water, he’s downright an asshole. And he has fired people for far less in his career.
A few moments more pass, and as the people in the crown drip with anticipation, the lights finally go dark. The producer begins his countdown – 5…4…3… - and “Blurred Lines” begins to be piped over the speakers. As the producer’s finger hits the count of 1, a lone spotlight appears, and shines directly onto the curtains that lead backstage.
The curtains part, and “Vain” Alan Wallace steps through. Dressed dapperly in a Dormeuil Vanquish II black pinstripe suit – complete with a salmon-colored tie and off-shite dress shirt – Vain stands on the stage, showcasing his million-dollar smile. Even in his 6 years away, he still looks as handsome, and as arrogant, as he always did.
The crowd blows the lid off of the proverbial roof, as Vain makes his way over to his desk. Taking a seat, he reaches over and grabs a bottle of water. Unscrewing the cap, he takes a large drink, and then sits the bottle on his desk. Resting his arms on his desk, and then interlacing his fingers, Vain waits for the audience to quiet down. After almost two full minutes of cheering, they finally do.
“Good evening and welcome to the long-awaited return of everyone’s favorite wrestling talk show, The Vain Vault. Now Vain knows what all of you must be thinking: how did all of you manage to make it through your exceedingly mundane lives, without The Money Maker there to help get you through each and every day? And that is a very valid question; a question that Mr. Ego has asked himself many times since he decided to make his grand entrance back into the wrestling industry. And the only answer that Yours Truly managed to come up with was…you weren’t able to cope without a regular dose of Vanity at its Finest, which is why half of you are currently out of work, while the other half works menial jobs making minimum wage, with the highlight of your day being watching other people make something of themselves. And sadly, most of you have children that will walk down that same path, because they’re not smart enough to know any better. Of course, those poor kids don’t have a whole lot in relation to an actual role model, do they? It’s quite pathetic, really.”
The audience cheers in unison. Why, I have no earthly idea. Maybe there was a big electronic sign that flashed the word “Clap”? Maybe, in their exuberant enthusiasm, the people in attendance didn’t actually hear what Vain said? Maybe these so-called ‘marks’ aren’t as intelligent as they think they are, and will cheer wildly at whomever it is that they are supposed to detest? Or maybe...Vain is just that damn pretty, that he can do and say whatever he wants, with no ramifications from the UGWC Universe?
We’ll go with option four.
Once the audience begins to settle down, Vain continues.
“Vain will digress though, because this isn’t mean to be a forum in which Maury Povich jots down ideas for yet another heaping dose of the Grade-A shitfest that he calls a television show. No, this is a forum to celebrate the return of the highest-rated wrestling production since professional wrestling went national…and it is a forum to celebrate the man that will once again take the wrestling industry by storm, and will look stunningly beautiful in the process.”
“The show is ‘The Vain Vault’.”
“And the man is none other than Vain himself.”
Once again the crowd goes nuts. Pro wrestling really is followed by a bunch of fucking idiots, isn’t it?
“Now before Vain gets down to the nitty gritty, he wants to go ahead and let it be known that, unlike other so-called ratings cash cows, ‘The Vain Vault’ has no need for commercials or voiceovers. You see, when a person has the money to pay for an uninterrupted telecast, as well as the looks and charisma to not cause people to change the channel, he doesn’t need to take breaks. And that…..that’s the total, unadulterated, piercing truth.”
“So now that Vain has gotten that out of the way, let’s get down to business. The first item of business focuses on where Vain has been the last few years. The Vain One has received thousands of letters ever since he walked away from being your intellectual and sexual better, all of which have asked one thing: why walk away while at the top of your game? And the answer is simple. Vain had nothing left to prove.”
“Vain took wrestling to new levels in the early-to-mid 2000’s. He was a card-carrying member of The Covenant - the most dominant group to ever step into a squared circle. In the process, he was one-half of the most dominant tag team to ever lace up two sets of boots – The Enemies of Reality, with KvK.”
“He put other people on the map with his ability inside the ropes. Names like Taurus Capone and The Mainstreamer, as well as a whole slew of others to numerous too count, all have Vain to thank for making them the superstars that they turned out to be. Vain has no doubt that, were it not for his ability to make everyone around him better, that those guys would have been wearing headsets, and asking patrons if they wanted fries with their burgers. Excellence has an odd way of wearing off on those around you. And Vain oozes with excellence.”
“Vain was a multi-time champion, both in the tag team division, as well as in the heavyweight division. Every week someone would step up to the plate, in an attempt to dethrone The Vain One. And every week, they went home disappointed. Sort of like how all of you men in the audience disappoint your ladies in the bedroom.”
“And Vain carried entire companies on his back. Others would leave, then come back, and then leave again. Each time there would be promises made, and bullshit spewed. In the end, it was Mr. Ego that stood tall, and kept companies afloat.”
“After all of that, what more did The Money Maker need to accomplish? Titles, women, superstardom, the adulation of fans…Vain had it all. And Vain left it all, because you people weren’t worthy to have a hero like Vain.”
Vain takes a long drink from his Deer Park water, emptying it before he removes the bottle from his lips. Replacing the cap, he tosses the empty bottle into the wastebasket behind him. He then turns and refocuses his attention back to the camera.
“And now, new questions have arisen. Why, after all this time, come back to the wrestling industry? That, too, is rather simple. The Good Vain Giveth…and The Good Vain Taketh Away.”
“When The Money Maker hung up his gear, he was giving the wrestling world the opportunity to stand on its own. He was giving the countless promoters throughout the world the opportunity to create new megastars to carry their respective brands into the future. Hell, Vain had provided the blueprint on how to become the best wrestler in the world. All these buffoons had to do was follow it. Did that happen? Hell no it didn’t happen, because the promoters are lazy, the wrestlers are untalented, and the fans cheer for what they are told to cheer for. It’s no wonder ratings have been on a steady decline since Vain left HSW as the champion. There was nobody to run with the ball that he handed them. As such, after giving all of you those opportunities to prove your worth, Vain has decided to take it away, and actually SHOW you how it’s done.”
“Now that isn’t to say that there aren’t a few glimmers of hope…but they are few and far between. And ironically enough, those few glimmers all reside in UGWC. Vain believes you morons refer to them as PMN. Vain has watched, and Vain has listened, and Vain realizes that there are only a few people that could truly be worthy of being put into the same stratosphere as Yours Truly. And they go by the names of Somers, Pierce, and Morgan. Those three individuals are the standard-bearers for the wrestling industry, and with Vain’s guidance, they could be even better. Or, they could decide to go the other route, and Vain can prove to them why working WITH The Vain One wins out over working AGAINST The Vain One. Every. Single. Time.”
The crowd goes bananas once more. Surprise, surprise. Vain opens another bottle of water and takes a drink. He then continues once more.
“And now we come to Synergy. For the first time since 2007, Vain will be in a match. And in their infinite wisdom, the Powers That Be within UGWC have put Vain at the top of the card. Now some people would view that as a sign of disrespect. Having a man of the stature that is Vain opening a show would, to some, be the worst thing a company can do. Vain, however, doesn’t agree with that assessment. You see, Vain likes the fact that he’s opening the show this coming Monday. Vain loves the idea of coming in and showing just how much better he is after 6 years away, then most of the roster that wrestles every week. And Vain relishes the thought of every other member of UGWC watching him in action, and then doing nothing but thinking about how a newly un-retired icon is light-years beyond what they ever hope to be in this business.”
“And that especially means you, Erika Langford.”
“No disrespect intended, but do you honestly believe that you are in Vain’s league, Erika? Sure, you are a signed talent to the UGWC roster, and Vain saw you win the Chaos Title at WrestleStock. Vain also saw you lose the Chaos Title at WrestleStock. What a wave of emotions you must have gone through that night. The high of winning that title, at one of the biggest events of the year…and then the low of losing the title a mere couple hours later. Even ‘The Big Red Machines’ title reign lasted longer than that…and he’s nothing more than a farce of what he could be.”
“Are you a farce, Erika Langford?”
“Or is the farce the simple fact that a CHILD was signed to the active roster to begin with?”
“Vain will let you contemplate which one of those questions is correct, young lady. Just know this, Erika: Vain has been gone a long time, and he has a lot to prove to those that think he’s no longer relevant. Unfortunately for you, Vain will be proving that by embarrassing you in the center of the ring. Have no fear though, Ms. Langford…once Vain beats you in the center of the ring, and leaves you broken-hearted and confused about your path in life…you can always look on the bright side.”
“Vain is almost certain that your former Girl Scout troop will welcome you back with open arms, seeing how it’s only been a year or so since you were a member to begin with. And Vain will all but guarantee that Russell Crowe still loves his thin mints. So at least you would still have that going for you.”
“Vain just hopes that your Mum and Dad don’t take exception to the paddling that Vain is gonna give you in the ring. See you Monday, little girl.”
Vain stands and blows kisses to the crowd, as they roar in approval. Vain pulls out his trusty handheld mirror and begins checking his luscious locks, as “Blurred Lines” begins playing over the speakers again.
The scene fades to commercial.
One legend.
One icon.
He was a man that would verbally berate each of his opponents into submission, and then go out and pick the bones of whatever poor sap was his sacrificial lamb of the week. And by God, he looked damn good doing it, too.
That man was known by many names: Mr. Ego; Vanity at its Finest; Arrogance Personified; The Money Maker; The Vain One. The masses, however, strictly referred to him as Vain.
And this ratings phenomenon was – and is, once again – known as “The Vain Vault”.
Numerous stagehands are frantically ensuring that the show is ready to go on the air. They check the lighting, the microphones, the cameras, and everything in between with regards to the set. They also ensure that there are numerous ice cold Deer Park waters within arm’s reach of the hosts’ desk. Vain is hard to deal with when he’s in a good mood. If he doesn’t have his bottled water, he’s downright an asshole. And he has fired people for far less in his career.
A few moments more pass, and as the people in the crown drip with anticipation, the lights finally go dark. The producer begins his countdown – 5…4…3… - and “Blurred Lines” begins to be piped over the speakers. As the producer’s finger hits the count of 1, a lone spotlight appears, and shines directly onto the curtains that lead backstage.
The curtains part, and “Vain” Alan Wallace steps through. Dressed dapperly in a Dormeuil Vanquish II black pinstripe suit – complete with a salmon-colored tie and off-shite dress shirt – Vain stands on the stage, showcasing his million-dollar smile. Even in his 6 years away, he still looks as handsome, and as arrogant, as he always did.
The crowd blows the lid off of the proverbial roof, as Vain makes his way over to his desk. Taking a seat, he reaches over and grabs a bottle of water. Unscrewing the cap, he takes a large drink, and then sits the bottle on his desk. Resting his arms on his desk, and then interlacing his fingers, Vain waits for the audience to quiet down. After almost two full minutes of cheering, they finally do.
“Good evening and welcome to the long-awaited return of everyone’s favorite wrestling talk show, The Vain Vault. Now Vain knows what all of you must be thinking: how did all of you manage to make it through your exceedingly mundane lives, without The Money Maker there to help get you through each and every day? And that is a very valid question; a question that Mr. Ego has asked himself many times since he decided to make his grand entrance back into the wrestling industry. And the only answer that Yours Truly managed to come up with was…you weren’t able to cope without a regular dose of Vanity at its Finest, which is why half of you are currently out of work, while the other half works menial jobs making minimum wage, with the highlight of your day being watching other people make something of themselves. And sadly, most of you have children that will walk down that same path, because they’re not smart enough to know any better. Of course, those poor kids don’t have a whole lot in relation to an actual role model, do they? It’s quite pathetic, really.”
The audience cheers in unison. Why, I have no earthly idea. Maybe there was a big electronic sign that flashed the word “Clap”? Maybe, in their exuberant enthusiasm, the people in attendance didn’t actually hear what Vain said? Maybe these so-called ‘marks’ aren’t as intelligent as they think they are, and will cheer wildly at whomever it is that they are supposed to detest? Or maybe...Vain is just that damn pretty, that he can do and say whatever he wants, with no ramifications from the UGWC Universe?
We’ll go with option four.
Once the audience begins to settle down, Vain continues.
“Vain will digress though, because this isn’t mean to be a forum in which Maury Povich jots down ideas for yet another heaping dose of the Grade-A shitfest that he calls a television show. No, this is a forum to celebrate the return of the highest-rated wrestling production since professional wrestling went national…and it is a forum to celebrate the man that will once again take the wrestling industry by storm, and will look stunningly beautiful in the process.”
“The show is ‘The Vain Vault’.”
“And the man is none other than Vain himself.”
Once again the crowd goes nuts. Pro wrestling really is followed by a bunch of fucking idiots, isn’t it?
“Now before Vain gets down to the nitty gritty, he wants to go ahead and let it be known that, unlike other so-called ratings cash cows, ‘The Vain Vault’ has no need for commercials or voiceovers. You see, when a person has the money to pay for an uninterrupted telecast, as well as the looks and charisma to not cause people to change the channel, he doesn’t need to take breaks. And that…..that’s the total, unadulterated, piercing truth.”
“So now that Vain has gotten that out of the way, let’s get down to business. The first item of business focuses on where Vain has been the last few years. The Vain One has received thousands of letters ever since he walked away from being your intellectual and sexual better, all of which have asked one thing: why walk away while at the top of your game? And the answer is simple. Vain had nothing left to prove.”
“Vain took wrestling to new levels in the early-to-mid 2000’s. He was a card-carrying member of The Covenant - the most dominant group to ever step into a squared circle. In the process, he was one-half of the most dominant tag team to ever lace up two sets of boots – The Enemies of Reality, with KvK.”
“He put other people on the map with his ability inside the ropes. Names like Taurus Capone and The Mainstreamer, as well as a whole slew of others to numerous too count, all have Vain to thank for making them the superstars that they turned out to be. Vain has no doubt that, were it not for his ability to make everyone around him better, that those guys would have been wearing headsets, and asking patrons if they wanted fries with their burgers. Excellence has an odd way of wearing off on those around you. And Vain oozes with excellence.”
“Vain was a multi-time champion, both in the tag team division, as well as in the heavyweight division. Every week someone would step up to the plate, in an attempt to dethrone The Vain One. And every week, they went home disappointed. Sort of like how all of you men in the audience disappoint your ladies in the bedroom.”
“And Vain carried entire companies on his back. Others would leave, then come back, and then leave again. Each time there would be promises made, and bullshit spewed. In the end, it was Mr. Ego that stood tall, and kept companies afloat.”
“After all of that, what more did The Money Maker need to accomplish? Titles, women, superstardom, the adulation of fans…Vain had it all. And Vain left it all, because you people weren’t worthy to have a hero like Vain.”
Vain takes a long drink from his Deer Park water, emptying it before he removes the bottle from his lips. Replacing the cap, he tosses the empty bottle into the wastebasket behind him. He then turns and refocuses his attention back to the camera.
“And now, new questions have arisen. Why, after all this time, come back to the wrestling industry? That, too, is rather simple. The Good Vain Giveth…and The Good Vain Taketh Away.”
“When The Money Maker hung up his gear, he was giving the wrestling world the opportunity to stand on its own. He was giving the countless promoters throughout the world the opportunity to create new megastars to carry their respective brands into the future. Hell, Vain had provided the blueprint on how to become the best wrestler in the world. All these buffoons had to do was follow it. Did that happen? Hell no it didn’t happen, because the promoters are lazy, the wrestlers are untalented, and the fans cheer for what they are told to cheer for. It’s no wonder ratings have been on a steady decline since Vain left HSW as the champion. There was nobody to run with the ball that he handed them. As such, after giving all of you those opportunities to prove your worth, Vain has decided to take it away, and actually SHOW you how it’s done.”
“Now that isn’t to say that there aren’t a few glimmers of hope…but they are few and far between. And ironically enough, those few glimmers all reside in UGWC. Vain believes you morons refer to them as PMN. Vain has watched, and Vain has listened, and Vain realizes that there are only a few people that could truly be worthy of being put into the same stratosphere as Yours Truly. And they go by the names of Somers, Pierce, and Morgan. Those three individuals are the standard-bearers for the wrestling industry, and with Vain’s guidance, they could be even better. Or, they could decide to go the other route, and Vain can prove to them why working WITH The Vain One wins out over working AGAINST The Vain One. Every. Single. Time.”
The crowd goes bananas once more. Surprise, surprise. Vain opens another bottle of water and takes a drink. He then continues once more.
“And now we come to Synergy. For the first time since 2007, Vain will be in a match. And in their infinite wisdom, the Powers That Be within UGWC have put Vain at the top of the card. Now some people would view that as a sign of disrespect. Having a man of the stature that is Vain opening a show would, to some, be the worst thing a company can do. Vain, however, doesn’t agree with that assessment. You see, Vain likes the fact that he’s opening the show this coming Monday. Vain loves the idea of coming in and showing just how much better he is after 6 years away, then most of the roster that wrestles every week. And Vain relishes the thought of every other member of UGWC watching him in action, and then doing nothing but thinking about how a newly un-retired icon is light-years beyond what they ever hope to be in this business.”
“And that especially means you, Erika Langford.”
“No disrespect intended, but do you honestly believe that you are in Vain’s league, Erika? Sure, you are a signed talent to the UGWC roster, and Vain saw you win the Chaos Title at WrestleStock. Vain also saw you lose the Chaos Title at WrestleStock. What a wave of emotions you must have gone through that night. The high of winning that title, at one of the biggest events of the year…and then the low of losing the title a mere couple hours later. Even ‘The Big Red Machines’ title reign lasted longer than that…and he’s nothing more than a farce of what he could be.”
“Are you a farce, Erika Langford?”
“Or is the farce the simple fact that a CHILD was signed to the active roster to begin with?”
“Vain will let you contemplate which one of those questions is correct, young lady. Just know this, Erika: Vain has been gone a long time, and he has a lot to prove to those that think he’s no longer relevant. Unfortunately for you, Vain will be proving that by embarrassing you in the center of the ring. Have no fear though, Ms. Langford…once Vain beats you in the center of the ring, and leaves you broken-hearted and confused about your path in life…you can always look on the bright side.”
“Vain is almost certain that your former Girl Scout troop will welcome you back with open arms, seeing how it’s only been a year or so since you were a member to begin with. And Vain will all but guarantee that Russell Crowe still loves his thin mints. So at least you would still have that going for you.”
“Vain just hopes that your Mum and Dad don’t take exception to the paddling that Vain is gonna give you in the ring. See you Monday, little girl.”
Vain stands and blows kisses to the crowd, as they roar in approval. Vain pulls out his trusty handheld mirror and begins checking his luscious locks, as “Blurred Lines” begins playing over the speakers again.
The scene fades to commercial.
- 1x
- 4x 
- 5x
- 6x
2013, '18, '23 
2013 
