I Hope You Get a Papercut

[Lord Hastings]

Dear Cypress,

My apologies about having to send you a letter. I have been trying to call you, but it seems your phone is always busy. You must be quite popular lately for some reason.

I thought it best to warn you ahead of our “match” on Synergy. While I am sure that you know that I am undefeated in Rock, Paper, Scissors matches, you deserve to know that my intellect extends far beyond. I have proven myself time and again to be not only the Lord of Pain, but the Lord of Game Theory. having solved such infamous problems as various Dilemmas of the Prisoner, the Traveler, the Volunteer, the Diner, and the Peterson. I know the solution of both the Monty Hall Problem as well as the Jet Somers Problem. I have successfully guessed two-thirds of the average, as well as won two-thirds of the championships. I even know how to solve a problem like Maria.

I am a master in creative problem solving. Can you say the same? I am beyond you.

I live vicariously through myself, and my shirts never wrinkle. I mailed this letter without postage, and yet it still arrived in your hands. Not that you will get to experience it, but my blood smells like cologne. My business card simply says that Owen will call YOU. Panhandlers give their money to ME. This is a sum total that could never hope to equal.

So throw a rock at me, for I will envelop it. Flap the paper, for I will shred it. Slash with those scissors, for I will shatter them. Come and face me, for I will destroy you.

You deserve nothing less.

With Owen’s regards,
Your Lord

[DrunkenBuzzsaw]

Nov 30, 2013 9:51:22 GMT -5 Lord Hastings said:

Dear Cypress,

My apologies about having to send you a letter. I have been trying to call you, but it seems your phone is always busy. You must be quite popular lately for some reason.

I thought it best to warn you ahead of our “match” on Synergy. While I am sure that you know that I am undefeated in Rock, Paper, Scissors matches, you deserve to know that my intellect extends far beyond. I have proven myself time and again to be not only the Lord of Pain, but the Lord of Game Theory. having solved such infamous problems as various Dilemmas of the Prisoner, the Traveler, the Volunteer, the Diner, and the Peterson. I know the solution of both the Monty Hall Problem as well as the Jet Somers Problem. I have successfully guessed two-thirds of the average, as well as won two-thirds of the championships. I even know how to solve a problem like Maria.

I am a master in creative problem solving. Can you say the same? I am beyond you.

I live vicariously through myself, and my shirts never wrinkle. I mailed this letter without postage, and yet it still arrived in your hands. Not that you will get to experience it, but my blood smells like cologne. My business card simply says that Owen will call YOU. Panhandlers give their money to ME. This is a sum total that could never hope to equal.

So throw a rock at me, for I will envelop it. Flap the paper, for I will shred it. Slash with those scissors, for I will shatter them. Come and face me, for I will destroy you.

You deserve nothing less.

With Owen’s regards,
Your Lord

Greatest lines Hastings has written since I've been here.

Awesome.

[>V<]

"Nobody makes me bleed my own blood!"

Seriously, though...I'd get that checked out...

[Eden Morgan]

This whole thing was goddamned awesome. It shows Hastings' insane levels of egotism with these great quirks... loved it. I really don't get how you can do that in such a short rp, but I read this and I don't feel like I got hosed or it was lacking. Impressive and well done.