Post by Travis Pierce on Dec 7, 2013 18:05:22 GMT -5
We see a darkened set, with silhouettes visible of a table. A voiceover is heard from Rob Cartwright.
Cartwright: Ladies and gentlemen, he is the host of The Piercing Truth, you know his name, the Icon of Entertainment, TRAVIS PIERCE!
“You Know My Name” by Chris Cornell begins to play, and the lights come on to show a chair sitting backwards behind the desk. A monitor behind the chair shows the logo for The Piercing Truth. The chair slow turns around, revealing Travis Pierce.
Pierce: Welcome to the show! I am Travis Pierce, as always your party host, and what an action-packed show we’ve got lined up for you. Look to the Horizons...and you’ll see some top stories!
Travis switches to Camera B.
Pierce: What would you say if I were to ask you what the hottest toy was this holiday season? If you were to say a video game or a princess doll of some kind, you’d be wrong. The breakout hit of this season is Doc McStuffins, a doctor from Disney Junior. It is nearly impossible to find, much like any remaining dignity that Chadwick T. Chaos could have maintained after his recent actions. The “T” stands for tacky. Unlike Chaos, you one day will be able to find this toy after the excitement blows over, but if you want to find the Drunken Buzzsaw after Horizons, you’ll have to check your local sewer.
Travis switches to Camera A.
Pierce: We now go LIVE! to Travis Pierce, with a special report.
The monitor behind Travis shows Travis standing inside a fast food restaurant. The broadcast shifts to the pre-taped feed from the monitor.
Pierce: Thanks, Travis. I’m here inside a local New York Quizno’s restaurant, where this once-booming chain is stumbling two years into a massive rebuilding effort. This chain once upon a time was able to challenge the mighty Subway, but in this recent past they have been challenged by upstart sandwich chains such as Potbellies or Jimmy John’s, not to mention they’ve changed the way they produce their sandwiches and now they suck. It’s kind of like how back in the summer, in the wake of WrestleStock, the Piercing Media Network brought a new talent into the fold, named Chadwick F. Chaos. The “F” stood for flatulent. In any case, Chadwick was lighting up the world, he had so much potential, such a bright future. But then, much like the sandwiches here at Quizno’s, he began to suck. It was no surprise that he had to leave the Network and go back to his-
Manager: Now, hold on, you said you were here to promote the brand.
Pierce: Right. You thought I meant your brand?
Manager: Okay. That’s enough. Shut that thing off.
The store manager approaches the camera, as the cameraman is clearly backing away, the manager’s hand out and reaching for the camera.
Pierce: Back to-
The feed switches back to the studio, Camera A.
Pierce: Thank you, Travis. It should be noted that the store manager seen in that report is the second-biggest dickhead I’ve ever met.
Travis switches to Camera B.
Pierce: An enormous alien planet, one approximately eleven times the size of Jupiter, has been discovered in far space, and scientists are awestruck by the distance it circles its sun, nearly 650 times the distance between our Earth and our Sun. The planet has been called HD 106906 b, because these scientists have no imagination whatsoever, so instead of talking about where planets come from, let’s explore an origin story of a different kind.
Travis switches to Camera A.
Pierce: And to do that, let’s go LIVE! to Travis Pierce, in the field!
The monitor behind Travis shows Travis standing in a swamp and looking down at the ground. The broadcast shifts to the pre-taped feed from the monitor.
Pierce: This is fucking gross.
Travis looks up at the camera.
Pierce: Thanks, Travis! I’m standing here just across the bridge from New York and the site of Horizons, in the Meadowlands, in the heart of the armpit of America in New Jersey. The Meadowlands is not only the home to awful football teams and shopping malls that will never be completed, but some people fail to realize that the Meadowlands itself is a swamp, which clearly somehow makes it a better site to host the Super Bowl at than someplace like New Orleans or Miami. Why am I in a swamp in New Jersey? Our research department has uncovered that a place such as this was in fact that birthplace of Chadwick G. Chaos. The “G” stands for greasy. You see, Chaos claims to be from somewhere is West Virginia, but this defies logic, as he appears to still have all of his teeth. Factor in all the hair that is hemorrhaging from his face, and it seems more likely that he hails from somewhere in Louisiana or South Florida, where he refined his craft by drinking liquor and wrasslin’ gators, hence the Alcohol Fueled Brewtality. Early in his career, after executing the move, Chaos would turn to the hard camera and say, in his most gravely voice that he could muster, “...BREWTALITY.” Then his opponents would get up and kick him in the balls before Scorpion threw a spear at him from the fifth row. After this was rinsed and repeated a few dozen times, he modified the name of the move to “Brutality,” which is significantly less creative but apparently proved to be less tempting to invoke a Shao Khan voice. Back to you, Travis!
The broadcast switches back to the studio, Camera A.
Pierce: Thank you, Travis. That research department of ours is clearly working overtime this week. I’m sure they had to go a bit out of their comfort zone, something that I had to do recently myself as well. Let’s take a look.
The monitor behind Travis shows Travis standing in a tattoo parlor. The broadcast shifts to the pre-taped feed from the monitor. Travis is staring at a customer that is receiving a face tattoo.
Travis turns to a nearby employee.
Pierce: What do you have in your “temporary” collection?
Employee: Get out.
The broadcast shifts back to the studio, Camera A.
Pierce: And so here we are, time for Horizons, The Icon of Entertainment against the Drunken Buzzsaw. Chaos has tried to make a fool of this entire network, tried to make a fool of me. He’s a fool for trying. We welcome him with open arms, and he stabbed us all in the back. At Horizons, it all comes to a head. You tried to ruin us, Chadwick. You tried to ruin me. You failed. Now, it’s going to be Falls Count Anywhere, which means I can take you anywhere I want, do anything I want. The piercing truth of it all is that at Horizons, the world will see the end of Chadwick D. Chaos. The “D” stands for defeated. We’ll see you then.
“You Know My Name” plays again as we fade out.
Cartwright: Ladies and gentlemen, he is the host of The Piercing Truth, you know his name, the Icon of Entertainment, TRAVIS PIERCE!
“You Know My Name” by Chris Cornell begins to play, and the lights come on to show a chair sitting backwards behind the desk. A monitor behind the chair shows the logo for The Piercing Truth. The chair slow turns around, revealing Travis Pierce.
Pierce: Welcome to the show! I am Travis Pierce, as always your party host, and what an action-packed show we’ve got lined up for you. Look to the Horizons...and you’ll see some top stories!
Travis switches to Camera B.
Pierce: What would you say if I were to ask you what the hottest toy was this holiday season? If you were to say a video game or a princess doll of some kind, you’d be wrong. The breakout hit of this season is Doc McStuffins, a doctor from Disney Junior. It is nearly impossible to find, much like any remaining dignity that Chadwick T. Chaos could have maintained after his recent actions. The “T” stands for tacky. Unlike Chaos, you one day will be able to find this toy after the excitement blows over, but if you want to find the Drunken Buzzsaw after Horizons, you’ll have to check your local sewer.
Travis switches to Camera A.
Pierce: We now go LIVE! to Travis Pierce, with a special report.
The monitor behind Travis shows Travis standing inside a fast food restaurant. The broadcast shifts to the pre-taped feed from the monitor.
Pierce: Thanks, Travis. I’m here inside a local New York Quizno’s restaurant, where this once-booming chain is stumbling two years into a massive rebuilding effort. This chain once upon a time was able to challenge the mighty Subway, but in this recent past they have been challenged by upstart sandwich chains such as Potbellies or Jimmy John’s, not to mention they’ve changed the way they produce their sandwiches and now they suck. It’s kind of like how back in the summer, in the wake of WrestleStock, the Piercing Media Network brought a new talent into the fold, named Chadwick F. Chaos. The “F” stood for flatulent. In any case, Chadwick was lighting up the world, he had so much potential, such a bright future. But then, much like the sandwiches here at Quizno’s, he began to suck. It was no surprise that he had to leave the Network and go back to his-
Manager: Now, hold on, you said you were here to promote the brand.
Pierce: Right. You thought I meant your brand?
Manager: Okay. That’s enough. Shut that thing off.
The store manager approaches the camera, as the cameraman is clearly backing away, the manager’s hand out and reaching for the camera.
Pierce: Back to-
The feed switches back to the studio, Camera A.
Pierce: Thank you, Travis. It should be noted that the store manager seen in that report is the second-biggest dickhead I’ve ever met.
Travis switches to Camera B.
Pierce: An enormous alien planet, one approximately eleven times the size of Jupiter, has been discovered in far space, and scientists are awestruck by the distance it circles its sun, nearly 650 times the distance between our Earth and our Sun. The planet has been called HD 106906 b, because these scientists have no imagination whatsoever, so instead of talking about where planets come from, let’s explore an origin story of a different kind.
Travis switches to Camera A.
Pierce: And to do that, let’s go LIVE! to Travis Pierce, in the field!
The monitor behind Travis shows Travis standing in a swamp and looking down at the ground. The broadcast shifts to the pre-taped feed from the monitor.
Pierce: This is fucking gross.
Travis looks up at the camera.
Pierce: Thanks, Travis! I’m standing here just across the bridge from New York and the site of Horizons, in the Meadowlands, in the heart of the armpit of America in New Jersey. The Meadowlands is not only the home to awful football teams and shopping malls that will never be completed, but some people fail to realize that the Meadowlands itself is a swamp, which clearly somehow makes it a better site to host the Super Bowl at than someplace like New Orleans or Miami. Why am I in a swamp in New Jersey? Our research department has uncovered that a place such as this was in fact that birthplace of Chadwick G. Chaos. The “G” stands for greasy. You see, Chaos claims to be from somewhere is West Virginia, but this defies logic, as he appears to still have all of his teeth. Factor in all the hair that is hemorrhaging from his face, and it seems more likely that he hails from somewhere in Louisiana or South Florida, where he refined his craft by drinking liquor and wrasslin’ gators, hence the Alcohol Fueled Brewtality. Early in his career, after executing the move, Chaos would turn to the hard camera and say, in his most gravely voice that he could muster, “...BREWTALITY.” Then his opponents would get up and kick him in the balls before Scorpion threw a spear at him from the fifth row. After this was rinsed and repeated a few dozen times, he modified the name of the move to “Brutality,” which is significantly less creative but apparently proved to be less tempting to invoke a Shao Khan voice. Back to you, Travis!
The broadcast switches back to the studio, Camera A.
Pierce: Thank you, Travis. That research department of ours is clearly working overtime this week. I’m sure they had to go a bit out of their comfort zone, something that I had to do recently myself as well. Let’s take a look.
The monitor behind Travis shows Travis standing in a tattoo parlor. The broadcast shifts to the pre-taped feed from the monitor. Travis is staring at a customer that is receiving a face tattoo.
Travis turns to a nearby employee.
Pierce: What do you have in your “temporary” collection?
Employee: Get out.
The broadcast shifts back to the studio, Camera A.
Pierce: And so here we are, time for Horizons, The Icon of Entertainment against the Drunken Buzzsaw. Chaos has tried to make a fool of this entire network, tried to make a fool of me. He’s a fool for trying. We welcome him with open arms, and he stabbed us all in the back. At Horizons, it all comes to a head. You tried to ruin us, Chadwick. You tried to ruin me. You failed. Now, it’s going to be Falls Count Anywhere, which means I can take you anywhere I want, do anything I want. The piercing truth of it all is that at Horizons, the world will see the end of Chadwick D. Chaos. The “D” stands for defeated. We’ll see you then.
“You Know My Name” plays again as we fade out.
