Post by Mr.Ego on Mar 13, 2014 23:26:00 GMT -5
The camera flickers to life, showing an extreme close-up of one ‘Vain’ Alan Wallace. His hair is combed perfectly, showcasing his perfectly sculpted cheekbones. He has a twinkle in his eye, and with a wink to the camera, his trademark smile appears upon his face. He truly is one beautiful man. The difference between him and a certain other wrestler employed by UGWC? Vain doesn’t have to constantly remind everyone how great he is.
As Vain continues eye-fucking the camera, a voiceover is heard.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome one and all to another tantalizing episode of ‘The Vain Vault’, filmed live here in beautiful, sunny, Miami, Florida. And here is your host, he is a man of many names, and is a master of his trade, ‘The Vain One’ himself, ‘Vain’ Alan Wallace!”
“I would like to thank each and every one of you for tuning in to this very special broadcast of ‘The Vain Vault’, as it will be the last time that ‘The Vain One’ will be gracing all of you with such a brilliant oration of all things just and pure, that occur in the life of me, ‘Vain’ Alan Wallace, before this Monday’s ‘Massive Melee’ pay per view. Consider this a gift…a gift of the most epic proportions, that ’Yours Truly’ has been so kind as to share.”
“You’re welcome.”
Vain stops for a moment, reaching across his desk to pick up the small glass of water that has been waiting patiently for his luscious lips to visit once more. Upon taking a sip, he places the glass back onto the coaster – condensation can be a bitch on wood surfaces, write that down – and then looks back at the camera.
“Now before we get to our special guest this evening, Vain would once more like to remind everyone to tune in this Monday, as the United Global Wrestling Coalition will be putting on a show like no other, as ‘Massive Melee’ has come around, yet again. Vain would be remiss if he neglected to mention the fact that this will be the first chance that ‘Mr. Ego’ will have to participate in such an esteemed pay per view, and even though the viewing public has been robbed of the opportunity to see Vain participate in the ‘Melee’ Main Event, the millions and millions of ‘Vaniacs’ worldwide will still be able to watch their hero defend his UGWC Cross-Hemisphere Championship, when he takes on a man that has done absolutely nothing to warrant receiving an opportunity as grand as facing ‘Vain’ Alan Wallace. And even though ‘The Vain Lord’ has been forced into a match with a man of lesser pedigree, skill, charm, looks, and talent, ‘The Weapon of Mass Seduction’ vows to put on the show of a lifetime, and will carry this lesser being of pure luck and happenstance to the greatest, most talked-about match of his miserable existence.”
Vain reaches for his glass and takes another sip of water. Placing it back where it belongs, he begins organizing a few note cards, and then looks back at the camera.
“And now, without further adieu, I present to you a man that is known around the entire wrestling industry. He is a man that always is able to elicit a reaction from those that he comes into contact with – whether it be good, or bad – and is a man that Vain has not always seen eye-to-eye with. Vain’s special guest for this evening is none other than the Head of UGWC Human Resources, Mr. Robert Ooley. And allow Vain to mention…that is pronounced OOH-LAY. It’s French, as he likes to constantly remind people. So Ol’ Bob…welcome to ‘The Vain Vault’!”
The camera pans around to show Ooley step out from behind the curtain that leads backstage. A scowl on his face, and Louis by his side, he slowly makes his way to the desk that Vain is seated behind. Not taking his eyes off of Vain for even a second, Ol’ Bob takes a seat in the chair that rests beside the desk. He places Louis in his lap, and continues staring a hole into the host.
“Vain would like to thank you for agreeing to be the feature guest on this episode of ‘The Vain Vault’, Bob.”
“Can the respectable bullshit, Humble. Ol’ Bob was invited here under false pretenses. And Louis and I don’t like it one bit.”
“Whatever do you mean, Mr. Goulet? Would Vain be so bold as to do such a thing?”
“You can bet your egomaniacal ass you would, Humble. How else do you think Ol’ Bob would come to be a guest on this horseshit farce of a show? This vile production makes what Earrings does look Academy Award winning.”
“Now hold on there a moment, Old-as-fuck Bob, I take offense to that. Vain doesn’t need to resort to such low-brow tactics as being deceitful in order to garner guests. The waiting list for ‘The Vain Vault’ rivals ANY event that takes place in this wonderful country. You should consider yourself lucky that you were bumped to the front of the list.”
“So lucky that I’m not even the main attraction to this travesty of an internet podcast?”
“What can Vain say? His loyal viewers would rather hear Vain talk about himself at the end of his show, than to be subjected to someone like you. Contrary to what you may think, Mr. Ooley…your face is NOT the one that they want to see, right before going to bed.”
“Why you little arrogant prick…”
Ooley jumps to his feet, knocking his chair over in the process. Pointing Louis at Vain, he spits as he talks.
“Damn you Humble…your mouth is going to end up writing a check that your smarmy little ass can’t cash. I’ve warned you once, and now you’ve…”
Vain raises his hands in the air, attempting to calm the situation.
“Calm down, Ol’ Bob. Vain is just having some fun with you. Compose yourself before you end up having a stroke, please.”
“Compose myself? Stroke? Damn you Humble, I’ll stroke you…”
Ooley stops in mid-sentence, mentally repeating the words that he just uttered, as Vain sits in his chair and chuckles. In a huff, Ol’ Bob jerks his chair back up onto all four legs, and re-takes his seat.
“Let’s just get to why I’m here, Humble. Ol’ Bob was promised a wine tasting, and a wine tasting is what Ol’ Bob demands that he gets!”
“That sounds like a plan to Vain. You were invited here for a wine tasting, and that is what we have planned. Only…there has been a slight change to that scheduled event.”
“And what change is that, Humble?”
“Well as you are well aware, ‘The Vain One’ is on constant high alert as to what he puts into his body. Let’s face it Ol’ Bob, you can’t come to look as good as Vain does, without making some sacrifices in life.”
“I’ve sacrificed my time for this bullshit, Humble. Ol’ Bob isn’t getting any younger here.”
“Your interruption notwithstanding, one of the main items of consumption that Vain abstains from is alcohol. Only on the rarest of occasions will ‘Mr. Ego’ imbibe in the consumption of alcohol, and I’m sorry to say, but you are not a man that would warrant one of those occasions.”
Ooley rises again, holding tightly onto his bat.
“HOWEVER…Vain has put together a water tasting event that I am sure you will find just as satisfying. If you would be so kind, please follow me.”
Muttering obscenities to himself, Ol’ Bob finally relents, following Vain over to a table that has been set up. On the table sit five wine glasses, each of them half full with water. Underneath of each glass is a closed envelope.
“Lemme guess Humble…they all taste like water?”
“Vain does enjoy your comedic side, Ol’ Bob. Please, go ahead.”
Ooley snarls at Vain, but then does as requested. Taking the first glass, he swallows it all in one gulp.
“Tastes like water, Humble.”
Moving on to the second glass, he once again swallows the contents in one gulp.
“Yup…water.”
He then moves on to the third and fourth glasses, gulping them both down in succession, and then flinging the glasses against the back wall, causing them to shatter into thousands of small shards of glass.
“Dammit Humble, this is a waste of my time!”
“Just taste the last sample, Ooley.”
Pointing Louis directly at Vain, Ol’ Bob grabs the glass and gulps it down. He begins to yell something at Vain, but suddenly stops. He slightly tilts his head back, running his tongue over his upper teeth. With a slight nod of his head, he looks back at Vain.
“That one wasn’t so bad, Humble. What’d you do to it?”
“Go ahead and open that envelope, Ooley. All of your questions will then be answered.”
Ooley yanks the envelope off the table and rips at the top. Pulling out a place card, he looks at what is printed on it:
“That’s right, Ol’ Bob…it’s Vain’s vintage Deer Park water, chilled to the PROPER temperature of forty-one degrees Fahrenheit.”
Ooley stares at Vain, the sudden realization hitting him.
“It’s ok, all of my viewers already know, so you can say it. ‘Vain, you were right’. Stings a little, doesn’t it, you pompous prick.”
Vain smiles as he turns and begins making his way back to his desk. Ooley completely loses his mind, and begins obliterating the table with Louis, as security comes out and begins dragging him backstage.
“God damn you, Humble…Ol’ Bob will get you for this!”
Vain retakes the seat behind his desk, and smiles as he looks into the camera.
“Now that the trash has properly been taken out from Vain’s presence, I would like to thank ‘The Puppet Masters’ for providing the security for tonight’s festivities. They take their jobs so seriously, I think I actually just heard Ol’ Bob’s ass hit the pavement when he was tossed outside. Thanks guys!”
Vain gives two big thumbs up before continuing.
“As everyone knows, the big day is fast approaching for Candi and myself, and I would like to publicly thank Eden Morgan for all of the assistance that she has provided during this extremely busy time. I know that she has had a lot on her mind lately, and the fact that she still found the time to fly down here for Candi is appreciated immensely. I have no words for how thoughtful, caring, and considerate you are, Miss Morgan. Vain truly is humbled by your grace and class.”
“Speaking of the wedding, I would like to make a special announcement in front of the world right now. I, ‘Vain’ Alan Wallace, want to let everyone know that this approaching night means so much to me, I will be writing my own vows to share with the love of my life. Candi has filled such an integral part of my life that I honestly do not know what I would do without her. As such, on the thirty-first of March, in the year two-thousand fourteen, Vain will put in his own words, exactly how he feels about his lovely fiancée. Candi my dear, I love you, and I want you to truly know what you mean to me.”
Vain drinks the remnants from his water glass, and then rises to his feet.
“I leave you tonight with a special video, made specifically for my opponent at ‘Massive Melee’, one Kurt Brady. I hope all of my Vaniacs watching tonight – and you as well, Kurt Brady – enjoy.”
With that, Vain disappears off camera. The huge video screen that hangs from the ceiling directly above Vain’s desk flickers to life.
The word ‘Cable’ appears in big bold lettering, but as the feed continues, it is soon marked out with a red ‘x’, and the name ‘Kurt Brady’ then appears below it. Then, the audio begins to play.
The Twitter profile picture for Kurt Brady appears on the screen, with the words ‘Better Than You’ written just below his name.
Multiple tweets from Kurt Brady are then shown, bits of conversations that he has had with various members of the roster, when he chest-thumps and grand-stands like he’s the next Hulk Hogan.
Various comments are seen, where Kurt Brady propositions any woman that has been unfortunate enough to be in his general vicinity in recent weeks. Most comments are of a sexual nature, and if the viewer didn’t know any better, he would swear that they were made by a pre-pubescent thirteen year old virgin, that just discovered the joys of masturbation.
Screenshots of comments made regarding Candi, and then the poorly directed spoof video of ‘Candi’ talking to Kurt Brady backstage last week are shown.
Numerous photo captions of ‘Vain’ Alan Wallace are now shown, various victory shots against the likes of Taurus Capone, The Mainstreamer, Klaus vonKnorre, Ichabod, Erika Langford, Jordan King – all wrestlers better than Kurt Brady.
The wrestler bio picture of Kurt Brady that can be found on UGWC.com is then shown on the screen.
The picture of Brady is then replaced with a taped message from ‘Vain’ Alan Wallace.
“The time for talking is over, Brady. You’ve besmirched my name, as well as the name and reputation of my beautiful Candi, for far too long. I could go on and on about how you don’t stack up to what I can do in the ring, or how I’m going to embarrass you on Monday. I could hit on all of the accusations that you have levied, and the smear campaign that you have waged in an attempt to get under my skin. But I’m not going to, Kurt, because none of that matters now. All that matters now is what happens when we step in that ring.”
The smile on Vain’s face disappears, being replaced by a look of sheer determination.
“On Monday, I’m going to show you what happens when you poke the proverbial bear, Kurt Brady. And once I’m finished with you, you’re going to realize why people all over the world look up to someone like ‘Vain’ Alan Wallace…”
“And why nobody in their right mind wants to be someone like Kurt Brady.”
The video feed quickly flickers to static, and the scene fades to black.
As Vain continues eye-fucking the camera, a voiceover is heard.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome one and all to another tantalizing episode of ‘The Vain Vault’, filmed live here in beautiful, sunny, Miami, Florida. And here is your host, he is a man of many names, and is a master of his trade, ‘The Vain One’ himself, ‘Vain’ Alan Wallace!”
“I would like to thank each and every one of you for tuning in to this very special broadcast of ‘The Vain Vault’, as it will be the last time that ‘The Vain One’ will be gracing all of you with such a brilliant oration of all things just and pure, that occur in the life of me, ‘Vain’ Alan Wallace, before this Monday’s ‘Massive Melee’ pay per view. Consider this a gift…a gift of the most epic proportions, that ’Yours Truly’ has been so kind as to share.”
“You’re welcome.”
Vain stops for a moment, reaching across his desk to pick up the small glass of water that has been waiting patiently for his luscious lips to visit once more. Upon taking a sip, he places the glass back onto the coaster – condensation can be a bitch on wood surfaces, write that down – and then looks back at the camera.
“Now before we get to our special guest this evening, Vain would once more like to remind everyone to tune in this Monday, as the United Global Wrestling Coalition will be putting on a show like no other, as ‘Massive Melee’ has come around, yet again. Vain would be remiss if he neglected to mention the fact that this will be the first chance that ‘Mr. Ego’ will have to participate in such an esteemed pay per view, and even though the viewing public has been robbed of the opportunity to see Vain participate in the ‘Melee’ Main Event, the millions and millions of ‘Vaniacs’ worldwide will still be able to watch their hero defend his UGWC Cross-Hemisphere Championship, when he takes on a man that has done absolutely nothing to warrant receiving an opportunity as grand as facing ‘Vain’ Alan Wallace. And even though ‘The Vain Lord’ has been forced into a match with a man of lesser pedigree, skill, charm, looks, and talent, ‘The Weapon of Mass Seduction’ vows to put on the show of a lifetime, and will carry this lesser being of pure luck and happenstance to the greatest, most talked-about match of his miserable existence.”
Vain reaches for his glass and takes another sip of water. Placing it back where it belongs, he begins organizing a few note cards, and then looks back at the camera.
“And now, without further adieu, I present to you a man that is known around the entire wrestling industry. He is a man that always is able to elicit a reaction from those that he comes into contact with – whether it be good, or bad – and is a man that Vain has not always seen eye-to-eye with. Vain’s special guest for this evening is none other than the Head of UGWC Human Resources, Mr. Robert Ooley. And allow Vain to mention…that is pronounced OOH-LAY. It’s French, as he likes to constantly remind people. So Ol’ Bob…welcome to ‘The Vain Vault’!”
The camera pans around to show Ooley step out from behind the curtain that leads backstage. A scowl on his face, and Louis by his side, he slowly makes his way to the desk that Vain is seated behind. Not taking his eyes off of Vain for even a second, Ol’ Bob takes a seat in the chair that rests beside the desk. He places Louis in his lap, and continues staring a hole into the host.
“Vain would like to thank you for agreeing to be the feature guest on this episode of ‘The Vain Vault’, Bob.”
“Can the respectable bullshit, Humble. Ol’ Bob was invited here under false pretenses. And Louis and I don’t like it one bit.”
“Whatever do you mean, Mr. Goulet? Would Vain be so bold as to do such a thing?”
“You can bet your egomaniacal ass you would, Humble. How else do you think Ol’ Bob would come to be a guest on this horseshit farce of a show? This vile production makes what Earrings does look Academy Award winning.”
“Now hold on there a moment, Old-as-fuck Bob, I take offense to that. Vain doesn’t need to resort to such low-brow tactics as being deceitful in order to garner guests. The waiting list for ‘The Vain Vault’ rivals ANY event that takes place in this wonderful country. You should consider yourself lucky that you were bumped to the front of the list.”
“So lucky that I’m not even the main attraction to this travesty of an internet podcast?”
“What can Vain say? His loyal viewers would rather hear Vain talk about himself at the end of his show, than to be subjected to someone like you. Contrary to what you may think, Mr. Ooley…your face is NOT the one that they want to see, right before going to bed.”
“Why you little arrogant prick…”
Ooley jumps to his feet, knocking his chair over in the process. Pointing Louis at Vain, he spits as he talks.
“Damn you Humble…your mouth is going to end up writing a check that your smarmy little ass can’t cash. I’ve warned you once, and now you’ve…”
Vain raises his hands in the air, attempting to calm the situation.
“Calm down, Ol’ Bob. Vain is just having some fun with you. Compose yourself before you end up having a stroke, please.”
“Compose myself? Stroke? Damn you Humble, I’ll stroke you…”
Ooley stops in mid-sentence, mentally repeating the words that he just uttered, as Vain sits in his chair and chuckles. In a huff, Ol’ Bob jerks his chair back up onto all four legs, and re-takes his seat.
“Let’s just get to why I’m here, Humble. Ol’ Bob was promised a wine tasting, and a wine tasting is what Ol’ Bob demands that he gets!”
“That sounds like a plan to Vain. You were invited here for a wine tasting, and that is what we have planned. Only…there has been a slight change to that scheduled event.”
“And what change is that, Humble?”
“Well as you are well aware, ‘The Vain One’ is on constant high alert as to what he puts into his body. Let’s face it Ol’ Bob, you can’t come to look as good as Vain does, without making some sacrifices in life.”
“I’ve sacrificed my time for this bullshit, Humble. Ol’ Bob isn’t getting any younger here.”
“Your interruption notwithstanding, one of the main items of consumption that Vain abstains from is alcohol. Only on the rarest of occasions will ‘Mr. Ego’ imbibe in the consumption of alcohol, and I’m sorry to say, but you are not a man that would warrant one of those occasions.”
Ooley rises again, holding tightly onto his bat.
“HOWEVER…Vain has put together a water tasting event that I am sure you will find just as satisfying. If you would be so kind, please follow me.”
Muttering obscenities to himself, Ol’ Bob finally relents, following Vain over to a table that has been set up. On the table sit five wine glasses, each of them half full with water. Underneath of each glass is a closed envelope.
“Lemme guess Humble…they all taste like water?”
“Vain does enjoy your comedic side, Ol’ Bob. Please, go ahead.”
Ooley snarls at Vain, but then does as requested. Taking the first glass, he swallows it all in one gulp.
“Tastes like water, Humble.”
Moving on to the second glass, he once again swallows the contents in one gulp.
“Yup…water.”
He then moves on to the third and fourth glasses, gulping them both down in succession, and then flinging the glasses against the back wall, causing them to shatter into thousands of small shards of glass.
“Dammit Humble, this is a waste of my time!”
“Just taste the last sample, Ooley.”
Pointing Louis directly at Vain, Ol’ Bob grabs the glass and gulps it down. He begins to yell something at Vain, but suddenly stops. He slightly tilts his head back, running his tongue over his upper teeth. With a slight nod of his head, he looks back at Vain.
“That one wasn’t so bad, Humble. What’d you do to it?”
“Go ahead and open that envelope, Ooley. All of your questions will then be answered.”
Ooley yanks the envelope off the table and rips at the top. Pulling out a place card, he looks at what is printed on it:
DEER PARK WATER
“That’s right, Ol’ Bob…it’s Vain’s vintage Deer Park water, chilled to the PROPER temperature of forty-one degrees Fahrenheit.”
Ooley stares at Vain, the sudden realization hitting him.
“It’s ok, all of my viewers already know, so you can say it. ‘Vain, you were right’. Stings a little, doesn’t it, you pompous prick.”
Vain smiles as he turns and begins making his way back to his desk. Ooley completely loses his mind, and begins obliterating the table with Louis, as security comes out and begins dragging him backstage.
“God damn you, Humble…Ol’ Bob will get you for this!”
Vain retakes the seat behind his desk, and smiles as he looks into the camera.
“Now that the trash has properly been taken out from Vain’s presence, I would like to thank ‘The Puppet Masters’ for providing the security for tonight’s festivities. They take their jobs so seriously, I think I actually just heard Ol’ Bob’s ass hit the pavement when he was tossed outside. Thanks guys!”
Vain gives two big thumbs up before continuing.
“As everyone knows, the big day is fast approaching for Candi and myself, and I would like to publicly thank Eden Morgan for all of the assistance that she has provided during this extremely busy time. I know that she has had a lot on her mind lately, and the fact that she still found the time to fly down here for Candi is appreciated immensely. I have no words for how thoughtful, caring, and considerate you are, Miss Morgan. Vain truly is humbled by your grace and class.”
“Speaking of the wedding, I would like to make a special announcement in front of the world right now. I, ‘Vain’ Alan Wallace, want to let everyone know that this approaching night means so much to me, I will be writing my own vows to share with the love of my life. Candi has filled such an integral part of my life that I honestly do not know what I would do without her. As such, on the thirty-first of March, in the year two-thousand fourteen, Vain will put in his own words, exactly how he feels about his lovely fiancée. Candi my dear, I love you, and I want you to truly know what you mean to me.”
Vain drinks the remnants from his water glass, and then rises to his feet.
“I leave you tonight with a special video, made specifically for my opponent at ‘Massive Melee’, one Kurt Brady. I hope all of my Vaniacs watching tonight – and you as well, Kurt Brady – enjoy.”
With that, Vain disappears off camera. The huge video screen that hangs from the ceiling directly above Vain’s desk flickers to life.
The word ‘Cable’ appears in big bold lettering, but as the feed continues, it is soon marked out with a red ‘x’, and the name ‘Kurt Brady’ then appears below it. Then, the audio begins to play.
“When you think too highly of yourself, you begin to have an overinflated sense of self worth”
The Twitter profile picture for Kurt Brady appears on the screen, with the words ‘Better Than You’ written just below his name.
“When you have an overinflated sense of self worth, you begin to think that people regard you with anything other than disdain”
Multiple tweets from Kurt Brady are then shown, bits of conversations that he has had with various members of the roster, when he chest-thumps and grand-stands like he’s the next Hulk Hogan.
“When you begin to think that people regard you with anything other than disdain, you get the idea that you’re God’s gift to women”
Various comments are seen, where Kurt Brady propositions any woman that has been unfortunate enough to be in his general vicinity in recent weeks. Most comments are of a sexual nature, and if the viewer didn’t know any better, he would swear that they were made by a pre-pubescent thirteen year old virgin, that just discovered the joys of masturbation.
“When you get the idea that you’re God’s gift to women, you make the mistake of setting your sites on women that are completely out of your league”
Screenshots of comments made regarding Candi, and then the poorly directed spoof video of ‘Candi’ talking to Kurt Brady backstage last week are shown.
“When you make the mistake of setting your sites on women that are completely out of your league, you find yourself in a match with one of the most decorated wrestlers to ever step into the squared circle”
Numerous photo captions of ‘Vain’ Alan Wallace are now shown, various victory shots against the likes of Taurus Capone, The Mainstreamer, Klaus vonKnorre, Ichabod, Erika Langford, Jordan King – all wrestlers better than Kurt Brady.
“And when you find yourself in a match with one of the most decorated wrestlers to ever step into the squared circle, you then realize that you’re just Kurt Brady”
The wrestler bio picture of Kurt Brady that can be found on UGWC.com is then shown on the screen.
“Don’t be a Kurt Brady”
The picture of Brady is then replaced with a taped message from ‘Vain’ Alan Wallace.
“The time for talking is over, Brady. You’ve besmirched my name, as well as the name and reputation of my beautiful Candi, for far too long. I could go on and on about how you don’t stack up to what I can do in the ring, or how I’m going to embarrass you on Monday. I could hit on all of the accusations that you have levied, and the smear campaign that you have waged in an attempt to get under my skin. But I’m not going to, Kurt, because none of that matters now. All that matters now is what happens when we step in that ring.”
The smile on Vain’s face disappears, being replaced by a look of sheer determination.
“On Monday, I’m going to show you what happens when you poke the proverbial bear, Kurt Brady. And once I’m finished with you, you’re going to realize why people all over the world look up to someone like ‘Vain’ Alan Wallace…”
“And why nobody in their right mind wants to be someone like Kurt Brady.”
The video feed quickly flickers to static, and the scene fades to black.
- 1x
- 4x 
- 5x
- 6x
Not hatin. Adore the ol bastard. 