Post by Larry, The Protege of Pain on Jun 13, 2014 4:58:27 GMT -5
Holden Orson skitters down the sidewalk on a unicycle, dodging pedestrians and dealing with the daunting task of trying to balance the unicycle while holding a very large book under his left arm. Onlookers stop and laugh at the strangely dressed man on a unicycle; green masquerade mask, brand new overalls cuffed up above the knee, brand-new pink converse all-star shoes that seemed to be dunked in a mud puddle to look dirty, and an electronic cigarette hanging from a lanyard around his neck. He finally reaches his destination, the coffee shop “Cupful of Christmas.” Holden parks his unicycle and scans a badge to enter the shop.
Holden’s godson Larry sits at a table with a cup of coffee staring at a laptop. Printed papers are scattered scattered all over the table around him. Larry peeks over his reading glasses when Holden enters the shop.
Larry: “Holden, you look like a moron.”
Holden simply ignores Larry and holds the book he’s been carrying high over his head. Holden display a thick, unabridged dictionary. The words “Thick, Unabridged Dictionary” are actually on the front of the book as the books title.
Holden: “Some gentleman at Whole Foods called me a bundle of sticks!”
Larry is befuddled.
Larry: “What?”
Holden slams “Thick, Unabridged Dictionary” onto the table that Larry is working. Larry’s papers fly everywhere.
Larry: “Those were important you-“
Holden: “This gentleman said my ‘pink chucks’ and ‘queer mask’ made me look like a bundle of sticks! I don’t even know what he’s talking about!”
Larry stares at Holden.
Larry: “What the hell are you talking about?”
Holden begins to flip vigorously through “Thick, Unabridged Dictionary.”
Holden: “I’ll show, you’ve obviously never heard of what I’m referring too…”
Larry: “Are these pages handwritten?”
Holden pauses.
Holden: “I’m not letting Webster define my words.”
Holden continues to flip and centers in on his intended page. He points aggressively at the word he wants Larry to read.
Holden: “Here!”
Larry begins to laugh uncontrollably. Holden is visibly confused. Larry gets up from the table and hunches over counter of the coffee shop.
Holden: “What?”
Larry: “He called you a faggot!”
Larry begins to laugh loudly again. Holden, confused rereads the definition.
Holden: “I don’t get it...”
Larry finally begins to calm down.
Larry: “Pink converse all-stars you bought yesterday then dropped in a mud puddle to make look dirty. You ride a unicycle because ‘two wheels is wasteful and four wheels is too mainstream.’ You bought this coffee shop, made it private and have no members. I’m not even a member. I’d say a bundle of sticks really sums you up well.”
Holden stares further at “Thick, Unabridged Dictionary.”
Holden: “Maybe he was British and meant cigarette?”
Larry starts picking up the papers the Holden scattered earlier as his laughter subsides.
Larry: “Have you been getting ready for your debut, faggot?”
Holden scoffs.
Holden: “Scoff.”
Larry: “You know you’re supposed to actually scoff, not say the word scoff.”
Holden: “Scoff.”
Larry shakes his head and sits back down at the laptop. He holds the papers towards Holden.
Larry: “You’re in a triple threat match to open the show.”
Holden: “Scoff.”
Larry: “Stop doing that. You’ve got no experience in a triple threat. You’ve also done zero research on your opponents.”
Holden: “I looked at them on my macbook. A couple of boooores.”
Larry: “Well James Mueller looks like he’s in a similar situation. Hasn’t wrestled in a while. He has a lot more experience that you though.”
Holden: “He’s got about as much personality as an unfrosted blueberry pop tart.”
Larry mouths the words Holden just said.
Larry: “What a weird place to go. Stop being a hipster for a minute and focus on this for a second—what are you doing?”
Holden has started sniffing Larry’s coffee.
Holden: “What is this sea water you’re drinking?”
Larry: “It coffee with cream and sugar.”
Holden throws the cup on the floor.
Holden: “It’s ELK PISS! Let me get you some real Cuppa Joe.”
Larry: “I don’t want one of your caramel laced sugar waters. I just want real coffee.”
Holden: “Scoff.”
Larry: “You know what, I’ll just drink water.”
Holden: “Fine.”
Larry walks to the cooler. He finds bottled water. He looks at Holden.
Larry: “What the hell is this?”
Holden: “nᾇu”
Larry: “What?”
Holden: “Scoff. Figures you’ve never heard of it.”
Larry fiddles with the cap, trying to figure out how to open the water.
Larry: “No, I haven’t. James Mueller has friend in UGWC as well. You don’t.”
Holden: “Red Fusion? Scoff.”
Larry: “Scoff all you want. Mueller has also been a world champion in his previous tenures.”
Holden: “Being a world champion is so overrated. “
Larry: “Well so far you experience includes a handful of singles matches which you lost..
Holden: “Chose not to win!”
Larry: “Which is losing, and you have zero experience in anything besides a singles match. So he’s got experience, success, and networking over you. All you have is a ‘ironically’ named coffee shop, a hand written dictionary, and a family background of wrestling and boxing that’s actually kind of impressive if you’d embrace it.”
Holden: “Scoff. I don’t care about my boring family history. But unlike where I went before, I’m actually here to win now. It’ll be so IRONIC!”
Larry: “Well motivation is motivation. But, if you’re going to win, you need to know more about your opponents besides the fact that they’re boring.”
After watching Larry fail to open his water, Holden cracks the top of Larry water for him and goes behind the counter to begin making himself a drink.
Holden: “Well, Larry, FYI (He pronounces that phonetically) I’ve already done some research on the other guy.”
Larry: “Fwy?”
Holden: “Yeah, I looked him up on Dogpile, and before you say anything, he hasn’t done anything important since 2012 so I didn’t miss anything.”
Larry gives Holden a look and begins to browse on his laptop.
Larry: “Well he’s had some recent activity recently you might want to be aware-“
Holden: “I’ll introduce you to him later.”
Larry pauses. One of Holden’s coffee machines begins to whir.
Larry: “Meet him?”
Holden watches his brew.
Holden: “Yeah I did some character research. “
Larry is perplexed. Holden grabs his coffee and snaps on a lid.
Larry: “Okay..”
Holden: “Let’s go! I’ll show you where he’s at.”
Holden grabs “Thick, Unabridged Dictionary” and makes his way towards the door. Larry follows, leaving his glasses on the table, and grabbing a full-rimmed hat on the way out.
Larry: “Are you riding that stupid unicycle?”
Holden: “Scoff.”
Larry: “I hate being seen with you, Holden.”
Holden unicycles up to a neighborhood gym, carrying “Thick, Unabridged Dictionary” and the coffee he made at the shop. After several minutes Larry comes walking up behind him with his hat tucked far down on his face, trying to hide himself.
Larry: “I hate being in public with you.”
Holden ignores Larry and enters the gym. Larry tries his best to slip in and seem conspicuous. Your typical jocky I-work-at-the-gym guy is behind the counter and snorts laughter as soon as he sees Holden.
Typical jocky I-work-at-the-gym guy: “You again? Doing more research?”
Holden: “Scoff. Yes I am.”
Typical jocky I-work-at-the-gym guy: “Gonna use the machines this time?”
Holden begins signing in, filling out Larry’s name as the guest.
Holden: “I’ll get right on that once you can tell me your favorite song by Bell X1.”
Typical jocky I-work-at-the-gym guy gives a confused look.
Typical jocky I-work-at-the-gym guy: “Is that like… creatine or something?”
Holden: “Scoff.”
Holden finished signing in. He waves Larry on and Holden walks to the back until they reach the free weights. Several very muscular men are doing a variety of different lifts with the free-weights. Holden spreads his arms.
Holden: “This is Kurt Brady!”
Larry scans the room.
Larry: “Which one?”
Holden: “All of them! Look!”
Holden sits down on a bench press station and starts to flip through “Thick, Unabridged Dictionary” as Larry scans the room. Holden shuffles through the hand-written pages until he gets to his desired page.
Holden: “Here.”
Holden hands Larry “Thick, Unabridged Dictionary.” Larry scans it for a moment.
Larry: “Kurt Brady. Noun. Mediocre wrestler who specializes in being a shallow douche. No complexity. Minimal in-ring talent. Has money for some reason. Aggressively peruses women. See meathead, pervert, or ‘brah.’”
Holden nods his head.
Holden: “And here are his clones. They hate me!”
Holden escalated his voice as he says ‘They hate me!’ A couple of the men working out look over at him with digust. One man, spotting a firend, points him out and begin to give looks of disgust.
Larry: “This was your research?”
Holden: “Yeah, Kurt Brady is about as deep as the grooves in your fingertips. Just like these guys. Lift all day. Grunt. Flex in the mirror. Get mad bitches, yo!”
A lot of the men have started to murmur.
Man: “Great, you again.”
A man of excellent build walks over to Holden and Larry wiping his brow. Holden stands up excitedly and approaches the man.
Holden: “Me Holden! This Larry! We come to watch (Holden starts to motion with his fingers to indicate the use of his eyes) you lift heavy weights. (Holden pantomimes lifting a barbell) Grrrrr!!!”
Larry pulls his hat far down over his eyes. The man gets visibly irritated.
Man: “Dude, what the fuck. I don’t come make fun of you while you’re spending your parent’s money tripping acid at whatever rave you just stepped out of. Why do you come here and harass me when I lift.”
Larry bursts out laughing. Holden’s eyes widen.
Holden: “RAVE!?!?! You swollen up Neanderthal! I’d never be caught dead at a rave!”
Some of the men in the back ground laugh at the visibly frustrated hipster in the dirty, pink Converse All-Stars.
Holden: “I am man of unique tastes and enlightened notions!”
Man: “You call that outfit enlightened? You look like Skrillex threw up on you.”
Larry begins laughing uncontrollably. Holden grimaces and steps close to the man, getting in his face.
Holden: “I…. Hate…. Skrillex!”
The man, larger than Holden but not taller begins to move closer to Holden, standing his ground. Larry gets between them, and begins to pull Holden away and starts to drag him towards the front entrance.
Larry: “I think this Adonis got you. Let’s go.”
Holden points towards the man.
Holden: “Not until he takes back that comment about Skrylix!”
The men lifting have all stopped working out and are laughing at the scene. Typical jocky I-work-at-the-gym guy has come from up front to watch the scene with a huge smile forming on his face. Larry has almost got Holden out of the freeweights area when the man who he’s been arguing with holds up “Thick, Unabridged Dictionary.”
Man: “You forgot your copy of ’50 Shades of Gray.”
Holden goes ballistic trying to rush the man and get past Larry. The gym explodes in laughter. Larry is holding back an irate Holden Orson, pushing him towards the front door. Holden’s gotten so angry his voice has gotten very high-pitched.
Holden: “I don’t read 50 shades of Gray!!”
Typical jocky I-work-at-the-gym guy is doubled over laughing at Holden. Larry finally gets Holden outside. Trying to stifle laughter, he tries to calm Holden down as he lets him go.
Larry: “You can’t just talk to people that way. Just because they work out a lot doesn’t mean their morons.”
Holden starts to calm down.
Holden: “But Kurt Brady is a moron.”
Larry: “Kurt Brady wasn’t in that gym, Holden Look, you got to start training and focusing on your match. Let’s get you back to the coffee shop and do something constructive.”
Holden looks down and sips his coffee (yeah, he never let go of it). He sighs as he relaxes a little.
Holden: “Okay. But this is starting to feel less and less ironic.”
Typical jocky I-work-at-the-gym guy walks out of the door holding “Thick, Unabridged Dictionary” and holds it up to Holden.
Typical jocky I-work-at-the-gym guy: “You forgot your 50 Shades of Gray man.”
Holden begins to go ballistic again as Larry holds him back as the scene fades out.
