Post by Holden Orson on Nov 15, 2014 22:29:58 GMT -5
“Coffee. Black.”
“Same.”
Ichabod and The Mainstreamer settle in to the newly remodeled 'Cupful of Christmas.' A staff has been hired and is now running like an actual business.
“I can't believe you kept this place open.”
Ichabod lights a cigarette. The waitress who just took the order comes running back over.
“Sir, you can't smoke in here.”
“It's okay, I know the owner.”
The waitress looks over to The Mainstreamer, who nods his head to signify that it's okay. She walks away, begrudgingly.
“Coffee shops still make money. Real hipsters seem to love this place.”
The coffee shop is filled with Holden Orson clones. Hipsters in skinny jeans, Converse All-Stars, e-cigarettes, and two or three actually wearing masquerade masks. Ichabod peers over the crowd.
“Don't they hate that it's... well you're the exact opposite of a hipster. Literally. Your name is The Mainstreamer.”
The waitress arrives with the coffee. She gives Ichabod a disgusted look before walking away. The Mainstreamer dumps in three packs of sugar and starts to stir. “Apparently, it's ironic.”
Ichabod nods and ignores sugar all together. “Real men drink coffee with no sugar.” Ichabod takes a drink to drive home his point.
“If I wanted a purely bitter taste in my mouth, I'd make out with your sister.”
“Nice.”
The two men flip through the food menu, trying to decide on what to eat. Ichabod takes a large gulp of his coffee and extinguishes his Newport in the remaining coffee.
“So, genius, what's your plan?”
“I'm thinking two sausage biscuits or a bacon and cheese omelet with toast on the side.”
“I mean about your first promo as The Mainstreamer. Everyone is expecting it to be earth shattering.”
“Scoff.”
Ichabod stares at The Mainstreamer.
“Sorry. Habit.”
“I actually liked scoff.” Ichabod lights another cigarette, with it being nearly a full twenty seconds since he put out his last one. The Mainstreamer peers at him over the menu.
“You smoke to much.”
“Scoff. See how well that works?”
The Mainstreamer rolls his eyes. The waitress returns, trying to avoid Ichabod's cigarette.
“Two sausage biscuits please.”
Ichabod switches his cigarette hand to force the waitress to move. He smiles.
“Three sausage biscuits and a bottle of hot sauce.”
The Mainstreamer leans back in his chair and rolls his eyes. The Waitress quickly runs off without asking about sides or mentioning refills.
“She's a shitty waitress.”
“You're a shitty patron.”
“Kind of.”
“It's been a while since I've cut a Mainstreamer promo. I'm not that sure what to do.”
Ichabod nods, liking the shift in conversation.
“I always liked your mocking imitation promos.”
“There's three of them, and I like Harley, and I don't know how to act like Pax.”
“Smoke a lot of weed and... well that's all there is to him.”
Ichabod deposits a clump of ash into his coffee cup.
“You remember that time you Google searched everyone and based you strategy off what you found.”
“I did that with Dogpile when I was pretending to be Orson.”
“What the fuck is Dogpile.”
“Nevermind.”
“Maybe a mock PNM show-”
“It's PMN.”
“Oh.”
“You could be boring and do a run down.”
“No.”
“New masks, like you did at Outlast?”
“That was a one time thing.”
“Any Diaz family left?”
“No.”
“Make fun of Vain?”
“Too easy.”
“I'm stumped.”
“Me too.”
Ichabod leans back in his chair and takes a long hit from his Newport.
“Where's Larry?”
The Mainstreamer takes a big sip of his coffee.
“Larry. Wow. Well, I guess he is your cousin. Why haven't you talked to him yet before all this?”
“Kind of weird. He's Wafer's kid. He's an adult and I've never met him.”
“Yeah. It was weird the way he reacted to me when he realized I wasn't Holden Orson.”
“Well, you fake killed his dad once.”
“Yeah, I'm sure he didn't like that.”
The ding of a bell hits as the front door opens. Waldo and Larry enter the front door and scan the room for Ichabod and The Mainstreamer. The Mainstreamer waves them forward and the two of them join Ichabod and The Mainstreamer at the table. Ichabod stares down Waldo.
“I still don't get Waldo.”
“Sup?”
“I don't really either. But he's hilarious.”
“Who is this Larry?” Waldo asks, peering at the Mainstreamer.
The Mainstreamer buries his face into his hands. Ichabod looks over to Larry, confused.
“We've had a hard time explaining to Waldo-”
“Sup?”
“-that he's not actually Holden Orson. So when he sees Uncle Martin here without his mask, he doesn't recognize him.”
“Wow. That's.... outstanding.” Ichabod smiles ear to ear as he puts out his second cigarette into the coffee cup.
The Mainstreamer picks up his head out of his hands. “Anyhow, Larry. Ichabod's been wanting to meet with you ever since he found out who you and I were.”
“Yeah...” Larry lowers his head a little.
Ichabod shows a rare look of concern on his face.
“What's wrong?”
“It's still a little weird meeting up with my dad's old wrestling buddies.”
“We'll I'm family, Larry.”
“And Family Matters.” All three men stop and stare at Waldo. There's a pretty long pause. Larry finally speaks up.
“Damn Waldo.” Larry begins to laugh and Mainstreamer and Ichabod both start to chuckle. Waldo doesn't get it, but he's lightened the mood a little.
“You still wanting to get into wrestling, Larry? Not just as a manager, but a competitor?”
Larry nods.
“I can help. I'm not as active on the roster as 'Uncle Martin' here is. I got more free time than he does.
“Really?”
“Yeah. Besides, without a boxing background, anything this choad teaches you is kind of pointless.”
The Mainstreamer dismisses Ichabod's comment. “He's good Larry. He's been around a lot longer than I have and he's trained a lot more people than I have.”
“But isn't he kind of a bastard?”
Ichabod laughs loudly. Mainstreamer grins.
“He's not kind of a bastard, he is a bastard. But you're family. And you don't have to nearly kill him to get the respect him and I have now.”
“I nearly killed you too, choad.”
Larry is silent as he contemplates. Ichabod speaks up.
“Larry, you father and I had our wars. You uncle, godfather, whatever the fuck he is have had our wars. I grew to respect them both like brothers. If training you meant I got to extend your father's legacy and help this choad out, I'd do it in a heartbeat.”
Larry nods. “Yeah, okay. I'll do it.”
Ichabod leans back and lights his third cigarette. “Great!”
The Mainstreamer suddenly pipes up. “I got it!”
Ichabod looks over at The Mainstreamer, “An erection?”
“No, my promo.”
The Mainstreamer stands up from the table, takes another sip of coffee and puts a couple of twenties on the table.
Waldo looks at Ichabod and Larry. “Who the hell is that guy?”
Ichabod ignores Waldo. “Dibs on his biscuits.”
The show starts with a black background. Blue letters pop up to introduce you to the newest UGWC sensation.
PNM and The Dumb Bitch Eden Morgan present...
An Original PNM (yes, PNM) show...
'The Vainstreamer'
Canned applause is heard as the scene fades in to the set of 'The Vainstreamer.' The canned applause is ramped up as The Vainstreamer himself (The Mainstreamer in a blonde wig and ridiculous, but expensive looking clothes) walks out.
The Vainstreamer – Welcome ladies and gentleman to the first installment of The Vainstreamer.
Canned Applause.
The Vainstreamer – 'The putrefaction of pubic hair' has several guests tonight. The Vainstreamer has been booked in a number one contenders match for the Cross Hemisphere Championship, currently held by Red Fusion.
Canned Applause.
The Vainstreamer – Now 'The Voodoo Doctor of Vanerial Disease' knows this excites you twerps. So The Vainstreamer has a joke. Red Fusion walks into a bar.
Canned Silence.
The Vianstreamer – Then he cuts his promo.
Canned laughter. The Vainstreamer is obviously pleased with himself.
The Vainstreamer – 'The Spincter-licking Simpleton's' first guest tonight recently made his first UGWC appearance on the last Synergy, entitles 'A Night of Vanity.' Please give it up for THE KNOWLEDGE LLAMA!!
Canned applause accompanies a trainer walking out on the set with a llama in tow. It is, in fact, the same llama from 'A Night of Vanity.' The Vainstreamer moves around to his desk and welcomes the Knowledge Llama to join him. The canned applause fades as they take their places.
The Knowledge Llama – Charley Douglas came up with artificial laughter and applause in the 1940s. He accessed the CBS archives until 1955 finding the best response he could that wouldn't overlap laughter. So most canned laughter and applause are from people that are already dead.
There's a canned 'oooooo.'
The Knowledge Llama – *spit*
The Vainstreamer – Mr. Llama, “The 2014 Geriatrics Gin Champion” finds himself in a four-way dance with Ezekiel Pax, Harley Addams, and Travis Roberts. What advise do you have for The Vainstreamer going into this match.
The Knowledge Llama – Well, I'd extract on the experience of one Holden Orson. He's had numerous recent dealings with Pax and Addams. In big time matches, he's shown that he has the ability to Outlast them, but not everyone else. What he'd need to do is make sure he can resolve the situation as his new persona. This makes Travis Roberts a big threat for you.
The Vainstreamer – Interesting.
The Knowledge Llama – *spit*
The Vainstreamer – You spit better than Eden Morgan.
Canned Laughter.
The Vainstreamer – So Knowledge Llama, Travis Roberts remains the wild card here. With “The Dimwitted Dildo” having no real interactions with Travis Roberts, what should be expected.
The Knowledge Llama – Travis Roberts is a true talent. A multiple time World Champion that has a list of accomplishments that could be spoken on for days. The fortunate part is that he's being manipulated by Fear itself and is not as invested as he should be in this big time match up.
The Vainstreamer – Fear itself, The Vainstreamer sees what you did there.
The Knowledge Llama – *spit*
The Vainstreamer – Well folks The Vainstreamer must break for a commercial. Coming up next, I have my next guest Ezekiel Pax!
COMMERCIAL
END COMMERCIAL
The Vainstreamer – Welcome back to The Vainstreamer. The next guest finds himself as one of 'The Arrogant Ass-wad's' opponents Monday at Synergy. Ezekiel Pax!
Canned Applause. A typical stoner walks out on the stage, grinning like an idiot. It's obviously not Pax.
The Vainstreamer – Welcome Mr. Pax. It was very kind of you to come speak with The Vainstreamer before he defeated you on Synergy.
The Knowledge Llama – That's a random stoner off the street. That isn't Pax.
The Vainstreamer looks frustrated.
The Vainstreamer – I thought that's what Ezikiel Pax was, a random stoner off the street.
The Knowledge Llama – He isn't that particular random stomer off the street.
Stoner – Dude, it's bright in here.
The Knowledge Llama – *spit*
The Vainstreamer – So what is the 'The Regal Rimjob' supposed to do with this guy?
The stoner pulls out a glass bong.
Stoner – I have an idea. I got some shake.
The Vainstreamer scowls.
The Vainstreamer – Security! Get this fake Pax off The Vainstreamer's stage!!
Security escorts the stoner off stage.
The Vainstreamer – Sorry ladies and gentleman. The 'Gorgeous Gooch' did not realize this man was not Ezekiel Pax. The Vainstreamer did not realize how difficult it would be to differentiate Pax from a random stoner off the street. Luckily, my next guest doesn't appear to be a fraud. After this next commercial break, Harley Addams!!
Canned applause.
COMMERCIAL
END COMMERCIAL
The Vainstreamer – Ladies and Gentleman, my last guest, Harley Addams!
The canned applause starts. The REAL Harley Addams skips out on stage. The knowledge Llama seems perplexed.
The Knowledge Llama – That's actually Harley Addams.
The Vainstreamer – The Vainstreamer knows this.
Harley sits down.
Harley Addams – Hey Holden.
The Vainstreamer squirms uncomfortably.
The Vainstreamer – Vainstreamer. I'm not Holden Orson.
Harley Addams – Sure.
The Vainstreamer – Harley, you've been in the ring with Holden Orson and Pax before. When The Vainstreamer was Holden Orson, you managed to pick up several victories over him, but you also had a pretty good friendship going with him. Now that Holden Orson has changed, does that change your relationship going into an important match like this one at Synergy?
Harley Addams giggles.
Harley Addams - Maybe, Holden was a classy, mask wearing non-conforming fun guy. Let's see how you turn out.
The Vainstreamer – The Vainstreamer is a nice guy, promise. Going into this, you have a chance to pick off Red Fusion shortly after he finally took the Cross Hemisphere Title from Klaus vonKnorre. Additionally, he joined PNM who has also been a subject of your wrath lately. With a field of Travis Roberts, Ezekiel Pax, and The Vainstreamer, how do you see the Synergy Opening match playing out?
Harley Addams - You've got history, you've got dirt, you've got my enemies possibly in your pocket. I'd say what's that in your pocket, but the Beavis and Buttheads in the crowd would loose their shit. I just know that when I win this, I'll get my chance to put the screws to that waste of character space Red Fucktard.
The Knowledge Llama – Ha! Red Fucktard.
The Vainstreamer – Outstanding.
The Knowledge Llama – *spit*
The Vainstreamer – Well folks, this ends the show. Thank you to The Vainstreamer's guests, The Knowledge Llama, random stoner off the street, and Harley Addams! Until next time!
Canned applause plays until the scene ends.
