Post by Holden Orson on Mar 12, 2016 23:43:58 GMT -5
November 17th, 2015
Since 1998, my life had revolved around this job. Nearly 17 years doing anything can be life-defining. Last night, I quit that job. It was one of the scariest things I've ever done.
I woke up this morning, as an average, everyday private citizen. I've traveled back home to New York City. I've got in touch with a real estate agent, and have begun looking for a place to stay, but for now I've taken up shop in a hotel room. Besides a few changes of clothes, I've left just about everything else I had in my old coffee shop in Chicago. As I embark on a new life, I've decided to leave everything else behind.
A man I once worked with kept a journal. I think it kept him from losing his mind. I'm going to try the same thing. I don't want to become a drunk or anything.
November 17th, 2015
I know I've already made an entry today, but I just made a brave decision. I couldn't fight these urges that I have when I was living my old life. So, I've decided to try to find out a little but more about that side of myself. I asked the hotel concierge about clubs that fit my particular lifestyle choices. She recommended one place rather highly.
I once had feelings for a couple of guys and it didn't turn out well. Wafer never knew about it, and he's gone now, so he never will. Alan... I don't want to talk about Alan. But they were straight men. I should have known better. They won't care for me the way I cared for them. Alan especially.
It's kind of the story of my life. Ever since I lost my parents at a young age, I've pushed everyone away that was good for me. I think I purposely loved people who couldn't love me back. Not in the way I wanted them to. I set myself up to not get too close to anyone.
Anyway, I don't want to sound depressing. I'm going to go explore this facet of my life. I'll loses up with the mini-bar or I'm going to be a nervous wreck.
November 18th, 2015
Okay, that didn't go as well as I wish it would have. I was far too nervous to do anything but hide in the corner and drink. I got hit on, I think, once when I went to the bathroom. For some reason it pissed me off and I scowled at the guy. I ended up being avoided by everyone and felt like I had just showed up to overpay for drinks. I ended up coming back to the room and just watched a couple of old movies on HBO. I drank a few from the mini-bar until I feel asleep.
But I'm going back tonight, going a little earlier. I hope if I get there before it's too late, not everyone will be drunk and I can try to talk some people.
Here's to second chances.
November 20th, 2015
I intended to write in this journal everyday. You cannot do that from the drunk tank as it turns out.
Let me explain.
I went to that club again. It was a little more crowded, but I was right about the people. Less of them were hammered and I was able to talk to people a lot easier. I got out of my corner and walked around. I actually talked to a couple of people. Apparently being in good shape is a good thing for this lifestyle as it turns out. I found a group of guys and started chatting with them. I guess I started to get a long with them and we got a little carried away with the alcohol.
I blacked out, and I'll admit that's my fault. I came to at someone's apartment. I found myself in a situation that scared me. I won't go into detail... that's not appropriate.
The police said I over reacted. I'm not sure if I did or not, but I know I didn't like the situation. When I woke up, a man entered the room I was in. When he started to speak, I felt taken advantage of. I punched him in the nose and started yelling. I refused to leave until he explained what happened. Long and short of it was, he called the police. I was still pretty intoxicated when they took me away. The guy apparently didn't want to press charges, but they took me in to “sober up.” I got home today.
Maybe I should avoid that club. But I'm not a quitter. I can't let one bad experience ruin it for me.
November 21th, 2015
So, I went to that club again last night. I should have just not went back. I got pretty drunk. I think my old job still has be aggressive. I hit on a guy myself, and I didn't handle it well when he turned me down. I started a fight, and I'm not welcome at that club anymore.
Who was that guy to reject me. I was...
It doesn't matter who I was. This is who I am now.
Someone told me about another club. At one point in the night.
Try, try again.
November 22nd, 2015
Gay dudes are a whole other breed. The arrogance of some of these guys.
I think I'm done with the clubs. There's not many more I'm welcome at, I'm sure.
When I got home last night, I tried to call my godson, Larry. He didn't answer. I tried again this morning and I think he blocked my number. He doesn't want anything to do with me.
It's been the story of my life. Alan never wanted anything to do with me. These assholes in New York don't want anything to do with me. I've been kind of spying in at my old job, no one there even cares that I left.
I think I might have made a mistake.
November 23rd, 2015
Fuck me. What have I turned into. I don't think I have a friend in the world. I live a sorry life in a hotel in New York City. I can't find a person to share my life with. I have no family, either.
They should have taken me when they took my parents.
Assholes.
All I've ever had... is him. He acts like this is...
I have an idea.
November 26th, 2015
I never really expected this. Martin had done a really good job getting rid of me.
I woke up with an empty bottle of sleeping pills and a fucking headache. Martin had suppressed me for a real long time, I had even been awake myself for a couple of months from what I could tell. I had to dig around some memories, and found that Martin had quit his job, and started delving into his homosexual lifestyle.
When he got here, all he did was try to drink and fuck his sorrows away. Then he'd get mad when he slept with a guy. It was a pretty viscous cycle. I tried to warn him.
Martin ended up getting drunk and making an ass out of himself. Gay or straight, nobody wants to be with a drunken idiot. He got rejected and went off the chain. He called Larry 40-50 times until Larry blocked the number. He was too scared to call Klaus or Ichabod.
He ended up just giving up. He found a bottle of sleeping pills. I ended up being all that was left.
I wasn't really prepared for this. I don't think he's there anymore. I'm not real sure what to do, but I know one thing, I'm going back to work.
March 10th, 2016
I can't believe I found this thing.
It's been rough these last few months. I never expected to be rid of Martin. Martin apparently found a way to kill himself and not his body.
Everything is so different. Everyone looks like I'm a lesser version of Martin, but I've been so much more successful! Larry still won't have anything to do with me, but he thinks I'm just Martin in some mental breakdown.
Waldo is only hanging around because he signed a contract to me and Martin a while back. Given the opportunity, he'd be gone in a heartbeat. I thought I'd have a friend in Klaus, but he's made his intentions clear and wanted nothing to do with ol' Holden Orson.
I was starting to get a bit depressed. The success Martin looked for apparently doesn't bring the happiness he was hoping for. I'm still very much alone. But Martin left me that way. He managed to ostracize anyone who cared about him and I represent his downfall. Outside of a loose friendship with Ichabod, I don't think I have a single soul in the world who would care one bit If I finished the job Martin started.
But I'm different than him. I'll find happiness my own way.
Since 1998, my life had revolved around this job. Nearly 17 years doing anything can be life-defining. Last night, I quit that job. It was one of the scariest things I've ever done.
I woke up this morning, as an average, everyday private citizen. I've traveled back home to New York City. I've got in touch with a real estate agent, and have begun looking for a place to stay, but for now I've taken up shop in a hotel room. Besides a few changes of clothes, I've left just about everything else I had in my old coffee shop in Chicago. As I embark on a new life, I've decided to leave everything else behind.
A man I once worked with kept a journal. I think it kept him from losing his mind. I'm going to try the same thing. I don't want to become a drunk or anything.
November 17th, 2015
I know I've already made an entry today, but I just made a brave decision. I couldn't fight these urges that I have when I was living my old life. So, I've decided to try to find out a little but more about that side of myself. I asked the hotel concierge about clubs that fit my particular lifestyle choices. She recommended one place rather highly.
I once had feelings for a couple of guys and it didn't turn out well. Wafer never knew about it, and he's gone now, so he never will. Alan... I don't want to talk about Alan. But they were straight men. I should have known better. They won't care for me the way I cared for them. Alan especially.
It's kind of the story of my life. Ever since I lost my parents at a young age, I've pushed everyone away that was good for me. I think I purposely loved people who couldn't love me back. Not in the way I wanted them to. I set myself up to not get too close to anyone.
Anyway, I don't want to sound depressing. I'm going to go explore this facet of my life. I'll loses up with the mini-bar or I'm going to be a nervous wreck.
November 18th, 2015
Okay, that didn't go as well as I wish it would have. I was far too nervous to do anything but hide in the corner and drink. I got hit on, I think, once when I went to the bathroom. For some reason it pissed me off and I scowled at the guy. I ended up being avoided by everyone and felt like I had just showed up to overpay for drinks. I ended up coming back to the room and just watched a couple of old movies on HBO. I drank a few from the mini-bar until I feel asleep.
But I'm going back tonight, going a little earlier. I hope if I get there before it's too late, not everyone will be drunk and I can try to talk some people.
Here's to second chances.
November 20th, 2015
I intended to write in this journal everyday. You cannot do that from the drunk tank as it turns out.
Let me explain.
I went to that club again. It was a little more crowded, but I was right about the people. Less of them were hammered and I was able to talk to people a lot easier. I got out of my corner and walked around. I actually talked to a couple of people. Apparently being in good shape is a good thing for this lifestyle as it turns out. I found a group of guys and started chatting with them. I guess I started to get a long with them and we got a little carried away with the alcohol.
I blacked out, and I'll admit that's my fault. I came to at someone's apartment. I found myself in a situation that scared me. I won't go into detail... that's not appropriate.
The police said I over reacted. I'm not sure if I did or not, but I know I didn't like the situation. When I woke up, a man entered the room I was in. When he started to speak, I felt taken advantage of. I punched him in the nose and started yelling. I refused to leave until he explained what happened. Long and short of it was, he called the police. I was still pretty intoxicated when they took me away. The guy apparently didn't want to press charges, but they took me in to “sober up.” I got home today.
Maybe I should avoid that club. But I'm not a quitter. I can't let one bad experience ruin it for me.
November 21th, 2015
So, I went to that club again last night. I should have just not went back. I got pretty drunk. I think my old job still has be aggressive. I hit on a guy myself, and I didn't handle it well when he turned me down. I started a fight, and I'm not welcome at that club anymore.
Who was that guy to reject me. I was...
It doesn't matter who I was. This is who I am now.
Someone told me about another club. At one point in the night.
Try, try again.
November 22nd, 2015
Gay dudes are a whole other breed. The arrogance of some of these guys.
I think I'm done with the clubs. There's not many more I'm welcome at, I'm sure.
When I got home last night, I tried to call my godson, Larry. He didn't answer. I tried again this morning and I think he blocked my number. He doesn't want anything to do with me.
It's been the story of my life. Alan never wanted anything to do with me. These assholes in New York don't want anything to do with me. I've been kind of spying in at my old job, no one there even cares that I left.
I think I might have made a mistake.
November 23rd, 2015
Fuck me. What have I turned into. I don't think I have a friend in the world. I live a sorry life in a hotel in New York City. I can't find a person to share my life with. I have no family, either.
They should have taken me when they took my parents.
Assholes.
All I've ever had... is him. He acts like this is...
I have an idea.
November 26th, 2015
I never really expected this. Martin had done a really good job getting rid of me.
I woke up with an empty bottle of sleeping pills and a fucking headache. Martin had suppressed me for a real long time, I had even been awake myself for a couple of months from what I could tell. I had to dig around some memories, and found that Martin had quit his job, and started delving into his homosexual lifestyle.
When he got here, all he did was try to drink and fuck his sorrows away. Then he'd get mad when he slept with a guy. It was a pretty viscous cycle. I tried to warn him.
Martin ended up getting drunk and making an ass out of himself. Gay or straight, nobody wants to be with a drunken idiot. He got rejected and went off the chain. He called Larry 40-50 times until Larry blocked the number. He was too scared to call Klaus or Ichabod.
He ended up just giving up. He found a bottle of sleeping pills. I ended up being all that was left.
I wasn't really prepared for this. I don't think he's there anymore. I'm not real sure what to do, but I know one thing, I'm going back to work.
March 10th, 2016
I can't believe I found this thing.
It's been rough these last few months. I never expected to be rid of Martin. Martin apparently found a way to kill himself and not his body.
Everything is so different. Everyone looks like I'm a lesser version of Martin, but I've been so much more successful! Larry still won't have anything to do with me, but he thinks I'm just Martin in some mental breakdown.
Waldo is only hanging around because he signed a contract to me and Martin a while back. Given the opportunity, he'd be gone in a heartbeat. I thought I'd have a friend in Klaus, but he's made his intentions clear and wanted nothing to do with ol' Holden Orson.
I was starting to get a bit depressed. The success Martin looked for apparently doesn't bring the happiness he was hoping for. I'm still very much alone. But Martin left me that way. He managed to ostracize anyone who cared about him and I represent his downfall. Outside of a loose friendship with Ichabod, I don't think I have a single soul in the world who would care one bit If I finished the job Martin started.
But I'm different than him. I'll find happiness my own way.
