Choose Your Own Hastings

[Lord Hastings]

Donovan stares at images of his three potential partners at In Your Hands.

Hastings: This is a difficult decision. Obviously, I’ve proven over these past few months that I could defeat Killian and Vain with just about anybody, seeing as I was able to do it with Dredd, but I don’t particularly want to have to carry any of this deadweight around. Still, this stupid declaration that I can’t touch Killian outside of sanctioned matches means I need somebody who can keep Vain busy again. Now…

He points at the picture of Rydell.

Hastings: If Red-

Peterson: I will walk out of here right now if you start with that.

Donovan sighs.

Hastings: Rydell has got to know that his best chance of ever being a champion again is if he does it alongside somebody else. He would need me as much as under the circumstances I’d have no choice but to need him. The problem with that is, headstrong stupidity aside, he sees it as he has issues with Killian too, and I don’t need that sort of competition.

He points at the picture of Ichabod.

Hastings: Ichabod is going to be in business for himself. That’s a foregone conclusion. Plus, aren’t Ichabod and Vain buddies of some kind?

Peterson: Ichabod has buddies?

Hastings: Wasn’t Ichabod behind that whole Night of Vanity malarky a few years ago?

Peterson: Something like that, but I think that was about something else.

Hastings: I don’t really care.

He points at the picture of Deimos.

Hastings: Now, here’s the sick thing, Fear and I have been Tag Team Champions together before. Twice, in fact. I’m sure it would disgust him to team with me as much as I hate the idea of teaming with him, but he always feels honor-bound or something to championships, he’ll take it seriously and feel obligated to try to win, and he’ll see everything for what it is, he’ll know that he has to focus on Vain because I’ll be preoccupied with Killian, and that works for me.

Peterson: What does it even matter?

Donovan stares at him.

Hastings: Well, of course it matters. The partner I have is going to have a direct impact on the match itself.

Peterson: Right, but it’s the fans that are voting on this.

Hastings: So?

Peterson: So why waste all this time thinking about it when you have no control over it?

Hastings: I have control over it. A little bit, anyway.

Peterson: You don’t get to vote.

Hastings: Of course I do.

Peterson: Jet just held a press conference the other day and said that Entertainment Professionals don’t get to vote.

Hastings: Yes, well he’s a moron, isn’t he? There isn’t a voting booth that you go to and show two valid forms of identification. You go on the website and click a box.

Donovan rolls on his chair over to his desk and punches up the UGWC website on his laptop, and opens up the voting poll for his match.

Hastings: Now, decisions…



Who should Donovan vote for?




You know what sounds like a good idea? Vote Dave Rydell.

Fuck It. Let’s Vote Ichabod.

There is only one rational decision to be made under this particular set of circumstances. Vote Phrixus Deimos.

[Lord Hastings]

Donovan is in his backyard, repeatedly slamming his head into a tree.

His most recent slam results in him stumbling backwards, his head busted open, and he collapses in the grass.

As he looks up, he sees Travis Roberts staring down at him.

Roberts: I assume I don’t want to know.

Hastings: Apparently this is what passes for a good idea these days.

Roberts: That wasn’t an invitation to explain it to me.

Donovan groans.



Good decision YOU! Make another!

It’s time to rethink my life.

Screw it. Let’s get dinner.

[Lord Hastings]

Roberts: I have no idea what we are doing.

Donovan and Travis are crouched outside a low fence wearing camouflage and eye black.

Hastings: We’re raiding the King compound with paintball guns and water balloons. And people say I don’t pay attention.

Roberts: I understand the logistics of what we’re doing. I don’t know why we’re doing it, or why I let you convince me to come instead of Owen.

Hastings: This is the sort of supreme espionage work I’m going to have to be prepared for if I’m to team with Ichabod, isn’t it? He’s like if James Bond was himself a Bond villain. I assume this is how one trains for that.

Roberts: Yes, how silly of me not to think about that.

Donovan takes a deep breath.

Hastings: LEROY JENKINS!

Donovan attempts to vault the fence, but trips and face plants. Travis walks calmly around the only-decorational fence and stands over him.

Roberts: That’s an elementary school.

Hastings: What do you want from me? It’s dark out.



Now what, genius?



Perhaps we need a new strategy.

Fuck this. Let’s get dinner.

[Lord Hastings]

Today

I like turtles.


Hastings: I mean, I’m already bored with myself doing this. He does this all the time?

Travis sits in the corner doing a cross-stitch.

Roberts: You had better not be. You just sent Owen out for a new box of crayons.

Hastings: Oh, that wasn’t for this. The twins like to peel the paper off crayons. Keeps them busy for hours.

Roberts: Stop it.

Travis just stares at him for several seconds and resumes what he was doing.

Roberts: That’s brilliant.

Hastings: Yeah, I thought so.

Donovan picks up the several-hundred-pages blank journal and leans back in his chair, but leans back too far and falls backwards. The journal flies into the air, landing on and smacking Donovan right in the face.

Travis doesn’t flinch.

Roberts: I don’t know why you got such a big book anyway. You’d have been lucky if you filled a page.

Donovan groans.



Well that was a bust.



Let's think about this again.

The hell with this, it's feeding time.

[Lord Hastings]

Donovan sits up sharply in his chair, looking around the room quickly, he sees the pictures of his three potential partners in front of him. Owen stares at him impatiently.

Hastings: What’s going on?

Peterson: You dozed off. You were clearly having some really messed up dream, too.

Hastings: What was I doing?

Peterson: Oh, you were muttering something about-

Hastings: Before I fell asleep.

Peterson: Oh, right.

Owen picks up the laptop and sets it in Donovan’s lap.

Peterson: You were just about to cast your own vote for your partner at In Your Hands.

Hastings: Right…

Donovan rubs his eyes.

Hastings: It’s like frickin’ Groundhog Day around here.

Donovan reaches for the laptop.



Who’s it going to be?

Dave Rydell.

The Immaculate Incredible Illustrious Indubious Ichabodious.

Phrixus Deimos.

[Lord Hastings]

Roberts: I do enjoy it here at Applebee’s. A finer establishment, there has never been. Like that time you insisted on Denny’s. Dog meat, that was.

Hastings: Yes, well you become something of a time-bomb the moment we sit down in here, so let’s hurry it up.

Roberts: This is the feast that precedes an epic championship defense. No matter which of the three is elected to face me at In Your Hands, there can’t be-

Hastings: I thought we were talking about me?

Roberts: I believe you had brought up the effect this food has on my digestive system, and I thought that opened the door for me to change the subject, but very well, what would you prefer be your fate on Monday?

Hastings: It’s not like it matters.

Roberts: Ah. I can change the subject, then?

Hastings: It doesn’t matter which of them is picked, I mean. I have the nagging feeling it’s just going to blow up in my face no matter what choice is made. Metahorically speaking, of course.

Roberts: Of course.

Hastings: Honestly, I feel like I’m caught in this endless cycle that just goes on and on no matter what I do.

Roberts: With Killian, you mean.

Hastings: Yeah, I guess so. It’s not like I really want to be a co-champion with any of these people. I just want to beat up Killian King. What happens when he doesn’t show up at In Your Hands? Then I’m Cooperative Champion with a buffoon.

Roberts: Yes, I know how that is.

Hastings: Right, you teamed with Tyvola.

Roberts: Of course, Tyvola.

Travis chews and swallows.

Roberts: But in the event you win, surely Cypress will give them a rematch.

Hastings: And there’s the endless cycle for you.

Roberts: I think I’ll excuse myself to the restroom.

Hastings: Already? Hold on, I’ll just get the bill, I have Owen’s card.

Travis exhales.

Roberts: Nevermind.

Hastings: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



It’s too late for me, save yourself!

Succumb to the fumes.

Rewind this shit to start, I want to make a better decision.

[Jet Somers]

Very novel idea, abd very appropriate for the situation Hastings is in, both in the indication of the fans choosing his partner and being stuck in the cycle.

I think you nailed the idea so far, great work!

[Alex Stein]

Oh I really enjoyed this. Well done.

[Gabriel Baal]

Took me a couple of reads to get my head around what's going on. Not your fault, the fault of a long week.

Now once I realised what was going on, I really got it. It was such a creative way of focusing on your match. Great job man.

[Rogan MacLean]

Brilliant idea! I felt like I was reading one of those books that I used to read when I was a kid, where you choose your own path, and flip to the page that you chose... But, I guess that's what I really was doing here, wasn't it? One of my favorite things about UGWC is the creativity that everyone has, and this is the perfect example of it. Hastings makes me laugh on a regular basis, including this RP. Great work man. I loved it.

[Holden Orson]

Id leave feedback, but im still reading it. I must say, it's a little repetitive.

[Eden Morgan]

I love the choose-your-own adventure stuff! When I was younger, I actually cheated with those books. I'd make my choice and then set up a set of progressively more intricate "dog ears" like a bread crumb path back so I could go back and explore every option. I know I can't be the only one who did that. This was typical of Hastings, and I don't mean that as a slight at all. It was entertaining and hilarious, though I have to say, Peterson's refusal to listen to more of the Rydell/Red Fusion confusion and Donovan giving up on the premise was great. Good luck!

[Deleted]

The creativity was top-notch

[Mil Vidas Jr.]

I second what Rogan said that one of the things I love about UGWC is just how creative we can all be. There is a multitude of different styles and I'm always the kind of guy who says "variety is the spice of life." I thorughly enjoyed this one.

[Holden Orson]

Just an fyi, i got it was a purposeful loop. I'm not actually still reading and I always leave Hastings sarcastic feedback. It was creative, and I did enjoy it.