Post by T-Robosaurus Rex on Dec 10, 2016 23:00:51 GMT -5
We open to a set that is dressed like the inside of a lodge, with fake windows with TV's showing snowy vistas beyond. A middle aged man comes bounding onto the screen wearing a horrific Ferstive Jumper ordained with a Christmas tree complete with actual bauble's hanging from it, and as he speaks he moves his limbs wildly.
Host: Welcome to the Total Nonstop Shopping Network's 2016 Christmas Gifting Extravaganza! As loyal viewers know THIS is where you will get the best quality, the best variety and most importantly the BEST value for your money, with only two weeks until Christmas Day, what's the best gift we can give you?
The host looks out behind the camera's and raises his arms as the crew enthusiastically shout out.
'SAVINGS!'
Host: That's right, and what an hour we have for you! We've got gifts for her...
The host skips over to a pedestal holding a variety of perfumes, kitchen appliances and jewlery.
Host: Gifts for him...
He turns and runs to the other side of the studio where a pedestal with electric razors, tools and craft beers stands is inconveniently placed.
Host: And of course...for the KIDS!
Now he runs into the middle of the studio, and tamely jumps on a mini trampoline before landing awkwardly with a stumble.
Host: So let's start with this TSN exclusive. Have you got a special lady in your life? Wife? Fiancé? Mother? Daughter? What about the neighbor next door you want to get to know better? Then this is for you! From renowned perfumer Alison von Traptwunt, a range of Eau de Parfum from her most recent collection, any lady lucky enough to receive this will be smelling elegant as she carves the turkey...
At this point the host looks off camera and is startled as a loud crash is hear, the camera soon spins to the left and captures Travis Roberts coming through what remains of a fake door that he has busted through. He stands and dusts the plasterboard off of his jacket and the UGCW World Heavyweight Championship, he then looks over towards the host.
Travis: Phil Rowntree?
The host of the show looks around as the camera focuses on him.
Host: Er, yes?
'The Headliner' strides towards him his hand stretched out which Phil takes and shakes uncertainly.
Travis: Travis Roberts, my friend Vix told me to come to you for gift ideas, in fact she said your provided quality, variety and value. I have to say I was dubious, but she was insistent.
The hosts eyes shift from Travis to the camera, he hasn't stopped smiliong since Travis made his entrance but he is clearly uncomfortable and his eyes are screaming for help through the camera.
Host: Well, your friend wasn't wrong...ha ha...um...thing is we're kind of in the middle of something...I was showing them the...
Travis looks around at the pedestals and TV's showing sloping mountains covered in snow.
Travis: I have to say, this is a very strange place for a retail establishment, it took my contacts a long time to find your address, it's not really the best business practice is it, Gerald? On the other hand 'The Blessed One' does love to avoid the holiday rushes, so you have that going for you don’t you, Gerald? You don’t mind me calling your Gerald, right?
Host: Well my name is actually Phil...
Travis: 'The Headliner' knew a Phil once, ghastly man he was too, I would never buy from a man named Phil, where as Gerald is a name you can trust, you understand don't you, Gerald?
The host's brow is covered in sweat but he maintains his smile.
Host: I'm really sorry but I think you must be confused...
The host stops mid sentence and his eyes widen, he touches his hand to his ear and turns away from the camera, however the boom mic can still pick up every word he says.
Host: What do you mean 'Go with it'! Are you watching what's happening?...No, I don't know who he is...The unified what now?...And that's a big deal is it?...Fine, but I want my targets reduced.
The Host turns back to the camera, wipes his brow and then addresses the audience.
Host: We've Been joined by Travis Robert from the Unified Global Wildlife Coalition...
Travis: Actually it's the Unified Global Wrestling Coalition...
Host: Really?
Travis: Sure, it says so right here on my belt.
Host: Wrestling? I was once the host on a pilot show for the Discovery Channel...
He shakes his head and then remembers himself.
Host: So Travis, who are you shopping for today?
Travis: Well in the past few months I've become firm friends with Alan Wallace, he's been through so much pain and anguish over the past year, and I just wanted to give him something to take the sting out of his horrible year.
Host: Well I was just showing everyone this amazing collection from Alison von Traptwunt that can be yours today for just $199.99, yes under 200 hundred dollars for over 5 bottles of this exquisite product.
Travis looks down.
Travis: Is this women's perfume?
Host: Yes, it's some of the best on the market, the Colorado Daily Voice called von Traptwunt the Willy Wonka of the Perfume Industry!
Travis: Gerald, this is really a bad start to this stint as my personal shopper, Alan is male, the clue being in the name Alan, and if he was not a man, and indeed female, and her name was Alan, does 'The Headliner' look like the sort of person that buys perfume for a woman named Alan?
Host: We here at total Nonstop Shopping do not like to assume anything about our audience...
Travis: Even if Alan did want to smell like a woman he could just rub a member of the Harem over himself, those girls basically bathe in the stuff...'
Travis pauses and looks down.
Travis: You know what, give me 10 of this package, I'm sure the girls would appreciate a gifts from 'The Blessed One', and they have taken care of a lot of the DIY that needed doing around Casa del Roberts, not to mention the fact Alan's massage schedule has no doubt increased with recent stresses. How many bottles did you say were in each?
The host turns to the camera and shows more enthusiasm than is needed for the following sentence.
Host: Over FIVE!
Travis: So, Six?
Host: Over FIVE, yes!
Travis:Six.
The host looks at Travis with his mouth open before his shoulders sag in defeat.
Host: Yes, there are six bottles, which is technically over five...but let's move on to this section, maybe we'll find something for Alan over here...
Travis doesn't move and the host looks back at him.
Travis: Aren't you going to get the rest of the perfume? I just asked for 10 of the package, Gerald.
Host: umm, we have other people that do that..
Travis: Of course, you're a personal shopper, not a personal cashier and bagger, my mistake.
Host: Well I'm not actually a personal shopper, well I guess I kind of am, but not in that sense...
Travis: I'm sure you have another name for it like Executive Consumer Client Advisor or something, but please indulge my terminology, 'The Most Influential icon in Sports Entertainment this Millennia' likes to keep things simple.
The host just turns and walks over to another podium.
Host: Now what would Alan think of this…
He turns and his jazz hands point towards a one foot high black oblong with a green light around the top.
Travis: A brick with a light?
Host: No...this is...ADRIAN!
Travis gives him an unconvinced look.
Host: Adrian is the latest in must have home technology. Adrian can play music and audiobooks, read the news, set alarms, control smart home devices, provide information like weather, traffic, sports, and more using just your voice. It's truly amazing, using state of the art voice recognition and psychoanalytical programs it is able to zone in on your interests Just watch...Adrian what's in the news.
The light on the oblong lights up in blue.
Adrian: Top news stories at this hour, Scores dead in Nigerian church collapse, 13 dead in blasts in Turkey and many feared dead in oil tanker explosion in Kenya.
Travis raises an eyebrow.
Travis: Death is what interests you, Gerald?
Host: It's a display mdoel it is just set to report the top stories, but it can play music, turn on your heating...
Travis: Can't you do all that with a phone anyway?
Host: But all you have to do is speak!
Travis: I'm pretty sure you can do that with a phone too.
Host: But you don't have to press a button with Adrian, he's always listening!
Travis: Always listening? That seems like a creepy invasion of privacy just to eliminate pressing a button on your phone.
The host of the show looks exasperated.
Host: But what if you misplace your phone, what then?
Travis: Does Adrian know where I left it?
Host: If you kept the GPS switched on...
Travis: It can do the same thing I can do with a computer?
Host: Yes...but...voice activated.
Travis strokes his chin and looks down.
Travis: I have to be honest, Gerald, it seems like what your telling me is that despite it's sleek appearance and it's loud proclamations of revolutionizing the way the home works, it's really actually a redundant amalgamation of things we either already have or have already dismissed as useless. It seems like a fad and I'm sure a couple of months after Christmas it will just be gathering dust and a few years down the line become an obscure answer in some Seasonal Trivia quiz.
The host remains smiling but the sweat on his forehead has built up once more as Travis looks down at the display 'Adrian'.
Travis: I'll take four.
The hosts eyes widen in surprise.
Host: You think Alan will like them?
Travis laughs.
Travis: Alan? No, Wallace may have questionable taste in friends, like that Ingall's fellow, but he's not a damn fool. Besides, he has his own Simon. No, please send these to Messrs.' Baal, MacLean, Orson and Ichabod, it seems like the perfect gift for each of them.
Host: Well those guys are in for a happy Christmas day.
Travis: I hope not.[/color]
The host shrugs at the camera and just turns to another table.
Host: What about a lightbulb with a blue tooth speaker?
Travis' mouth drops open.
Travis: Why on earth would anyone combine those two things?
Host: Maybe you've got limited space, say in the kitchen, and you like to cook with music.
Travis: Then you buy a small speaker that you can move into other rooms without having to turn off the power supply and rewiring the house.
Host: You might not want to move it.
Travis: How much is it?
Host: UNDER Fifty Dollars!!
Travis: So, $49.99. For a speaker with a shelf life? When the bulb runs out what do you do?
Host: It's got a long life.
Travis: it seems like it's overcomplicating something that is relatively simple just because it sounds cool. That's not Alan's style at all, but do get me a pack of six of them for Eden Morgan, I'm sure she'll twit about them or something.
At this point the host picks up a remote controller with levers and paddles and the camera switches to one in mid air as it zooms towards 'The Blessed One' who sees it at the last moment, his face a picture of terror before he swings with his arm and the camera's view then spirals, showing the ceiling and the floor as it rotates to the ground where the feed cuts out.
Host: That was the XZ487 Drone, and hopefully the clip was long enough to show just how clear it's HD camera is.
Travis: A drone? Alan is an ambitious man, no doubt, and he has been known to aim high, but I'm pretty sure he's not trying to complete covert rogue strikes against a rogue nation.
Host: No, not that kind of drone, this ones mainly for taking poictures and video from up high where man cannot reach.
Travis: Gerald, you are aware Alan owns 'Vain Force one', a private jet, he can get as high as he likes whenever he wants.
Host: But this is more convenient than that, and more environmentally friendly.
Travis: I honestly cannot imagine Alan standing in the middle of a field struggling with the controls just to take some pictures.
Host: But you don't know for sure, remember folks if any of our gifts are unwanted you can return them before January 7th for your money back AND Over $99 of Subway Vocuhers.
Travis looks at the floor and then back at the host.
Travis: Subway vouchers? Ok, I'll take one, either the gift itself will satiate Deimos' hunger for all things creepy and voyeuristic or the vouchers will cure the hunger of his stomach.
The host clearly doesn't understand a word of what Travis is talking about and starts to move on.
Host: OK, so maybe Alan is not a 'gadget' guy, that's not a problem, we're known for our variety here at total Nonstop Shopping, so lets go and have a look at the sporting equipment...
Travis: Vain is a member of the most exclusive gym's on the planet, I'm not sure that all in one personal 'gym' that looks like a bent coat hanger on steroids would be able to match up to that.
Host: Well...how about some personalized gifts, we've got a range of jewelry, picture frames and ornaments that can be customized to your specifications.
Travis looks over at the table and back to the host.
Travis: Gerald, Alan 'Vain' Wallace is a former UGWC World Heavyweight Champion, he owns private jets and sprawling estates across the world, on top of all this he even has a life sized statue of himself made from rhodium, are any of your trinkets available in rhodium?
Host: I'd have to check...
Travis: That was a rhetorical question, Gerald, of course they're not! Just like everything else you've shown me tonight: it's junk.
Host: That is not true! You may not find everything to your taste but we have a variety of products for a variety of customers, you can't expect me to just hand pick everything with soley you in mind.
Travis looks at him like he's speaking a foreign language.
Travis: I'm pretty sure that’s the very definition of a personal shopper.
The host stops smiling for the first time and rips his earpiece out.
Host: I am not a Personal Shopper, I am Phil Rowntree, NOT Gerald, and this is Total Nonstop Shopping a 24 hour cable shopping chanel, and we're live right now!
Travis pauses for a minute and looks around.
Travis: Really?
Host: Did the camera's not give it away?
Travis chuckles.
Travis: Gerald, 'The Headliner' is surrounded by camera's all the time they barely register any more. Just this morning I was being followed by three different crews, one for UGWC, one for a local new station and a group of documentary makers from Honduras, apparently 'The Blessed One' is very big there...
Host: What about the fact I was talking to an unseen audience?
Travis shrugs.
Travis: If people speaking to individuals who aren’t there, like disembodied narrator's, images in mirrors or just the voices in their head unsettles a person they don't last long in my business, I just thought it was some kind of gimmicky sales patter.
Host: Well it's not! You are ruining my show!
Travis: I'm pretty sure your viewers will be up and your numbers too, you may not know it but I am a trend setter.
The host has turned a deep shade of red.
Host: Will you just leave! It's obvious you won't find what you’re looking for here.
Travis stretches his palms out and fans them towards the floor signaling for the host to settle down.
Travis: There is no need for anger, Gerald, I know it must be frustrating to be unable to satisfy my demands, but you have helped me realize that what I seek doesn't' actually exist.
At this point Travis steps forward towards the camera turning away from the host for the first time and speaking directly into the lens.
Travis: Travis Roberts cannot give Alan Wallace what he really wants, because the only thing he desires is sitting right here on my shoulder, as it has done since February.
Travis strokes the UGWC World Heavyweight Championship.
Travis: The only thing that will ensure a happy festive season in the Wallace household is the one thing I cannot give him, the one thing I refuse to hand to him. So what else can I do?
Travis looks away.
Travis: I guess the only I can give him is something that I have given very few people in my life, and that is an apology.
Travis looks back into the camera, his eyes boring down into the lens.
Travis: Alan, I am sorry, I truly am, that we are in this position. There is no-one I would rather be headlining the biggest event in this companies history with, no one I would rather share the top of the bill with than yourself and no-one more deserving. That's why it hurts 'The Blessed One' to know that what he will do on Monday will ensure 2016 is a year 'The Excellence of Sexecution' would rather forget.
Travis sighs.
Travis: While I celebrate the holiday season continuing my record setting reign as the undisputed greatest UGWC World Heavyweight Champion, looking back over the year at my triumphs and achievements, I know it will be a very difficult time for you. Losing the title in February, returning to aimlessly float around the Cooperative Division with the titles no-one ever wants, and then the devastation of Matthew overshadowing your attempts to once again refocus on the prize. It will be a painful Christmas.
Travis shakes his head.
Travis: Surely made more painful by the fact you have started in recent months to show signs of being the same individual that dominated the previous year, but knowing that you maybe left it too late to build the required momentum to dethrone 'The Blessed One'. We both know that even if you were at your 2015 standard it would still be doubtful that it would be enough, because while you stalled for half of the year, Travis Roberts has been getting better and better and better. Spending this season asking 'What if I had pushed myself rather than trodden water?' Will be a humbling experience.
Travis chuckles.
Travis: But of course, you won't accept this apology, Alan, because you know 'The Blessed One' has nothing to be sorry for. Like 'The Headliner' you know just how important it is that the very best holds onto it, that the UGWC World Heavyweight Champion should be the pinnacle of the industry, and at the tenth anniversary of Horizons you will help me display just why there is no question that Travis Roberts is that man, just as he has been throughout 2016.
Travis looks at the title itself.
Travis: I know you can see it, you are an observant man, this has been MY year, there is no way I am going to let it end without my hands firmly grasped around the most valuable prize in the industry, much like you would not relent last year. You will have the honor of being the final battle in this historic year, and there is no better venue than Horizons, we are going to tear the house down, Alan, but sadly it will be you that is buried by the rubble.
Travis looks back down the camera.
Travis: Thank you for being such an integral part of my 2016...
Travis turns to walk away before turning back with a smile.
Travis: Maybe we should do it all again next year?
With that 'The Headliner' gives a wink and strolls off the set, and just as he does The Host jumps back into view.
Host: We've only got FIVE of the von Traptwunt gift boxes left, so don't delay...