Post by Lord Hastings on Sept 23, 2017 22:45:20 GMT -5
Tuesday
A table and chairs have been set up in the meeting room of the Dungeon of Pain, the training gym owned and operated by Donovan Hastings, that clearly has not been utilized in years. It is in disarray, dusty and cobwebbed, and has a musty scent to it.
Donovan sits at the head of the table, flanked by Owen Peterson. Opposite him on the other end of the table sits Zane Scott, with Larry standing just behind him. Travis Pierce sits on one side, with Alan Wallace across from him, however Vain is set back from the table, with Simon Wellington down on one knee next to him, whispering something in his ear.
Hastings: Thank you all for coming, obviously we have to go over our team strategy for Outlast, but first, let me begin by saying I’m very excited about this alliance, this is exactly the team I set out to put together when I sat down at the draft.
Zane: Maybe you could start by not patronizing us.
Hastings: I’ve done nothing of the sort.
Zane: Please. I’m sure we all watched the draft. I’ve seen a broken compass have a better sense of direction.
Simon pulls up a chair to the table and sits.
Simon: I would point out that no one, not even Alan himself, knew he was returning in time for Outlast at the time of the draft.
Hastings: Who the fuck told you that you could speak?
Simon: Excuse me?
Zane: I’d have to concur. Do you see him talking?
Zane gestures behind himself towards Larry.
Zane: Or him?
Zane points across the table at Owen standing behind Donovan, as Donovan nods in agreement.
Pierce: Sorry, should I have brought Rob?
Hastings: No, and fuck him, he botched up my In Your Hands campaign.
Zane: Why are we here?
Hastings: Are you deaf? I started all this by saying we have to discuss our strategy.
Zane: No, I mean why are we here.
Zane gestures around at the surroundings.
Hastings: In the Dungeon of Pain?
Zane: If that’s what you call it.
Hastings: It’s certainly a better name than Der Ort Nehmen sie Hunde sie Kastrieren.
Zane: That’s not what I call my lair.
Hastings: Well, you should. Sounds to me like a name that would instill fear.
Zane: No. It just sounds weird, and vaguely insulting.
Hastings: Well clearly you have no understanding of what makes for a proper lair. The Dungeon of Pain is an exquisite example.
Zane: Yes, of course. The hag sitting at the front desk is a nice touch. Tell me, does she have two broken hips? Is that why she apparently hasn’t moved in years?
Hastings: You will refer to Old Lady Levene by her proper title of “Old Bag” or don’t speak of her at all.
Zane: Classy.
Hastings: You had your Owen there bring you here on a rickshaw, and you’re going to criticize my choice of lairs.
Zane: I fail to see the connection between my usage of a rickshaw, which is a delightful way to travel and helps me get my daily steps in, and your shitpile of a lair.
Pierce: Wait, which of you pulled the rickshaw?
Zane: It helps pay the bills.
Hastings: You shouldn’t have bills. You should have a self-sustaining lair, or don’t have one at all.
Zane: If this was all I could manage for a lair, I’d go with not having one at all.
Hastings: You think you could do better?
Zane: I know a great interior decorator.
Simon Wellington stands up.
Simon: Well gentlemen, I believe that our time here is finished. Please continue this asinine rambling...my client and I are leaving.
Donovan slams his fist on the table.
Hastings: There you go, fucking speaking again. And dammit, this is a team strategy meeting! This is important! Where are you going?!
Vain and Simon depart.
Hastings: Treachery! Mutiny! How dare those two depart 'The Lord of Pain Team Preparedness Meeting' without first being dismissed?!?! Insolence!
Zane clears his throat.
Hastings: What?!?
Zane: I said I know I great interior decorator.
Hastings: I don’t want this place looking like a German airport!
Zane: Nothing of the sort. She can have this place cleaned up and spiffy and stylish in record time. Could get us an ice cream machine too.
Pierce: I love ice cream.
Larry: Chocolate ice cream!
Hastings: Chocolate ice cream is the fecal matter of the inadequate.
Zane: It can dispense whatever flavor you like, but we need it.
Hastings: We don’t need anything that you would have in whatever half-assed faux-lair you think is proper.
Zane: This could be made into a proper lair.
Hastings: What do you mean, could?
Zane: It’s possible. I could fix it.
Hastings: Not without me, you sure as hell aren’t.
They stare across the table at each other intently, while Pierce shifts uncomfortably.
Hastings: Fine. We table the strategy discussion until the lair is set.
Pierce: Do I have to stay for this?
Zane/Hastings: No.
Wednesday
Hastings: You FOOL. The cameras must point WEST!
Zane: I only agreed because you claimed to have access to an original Jackson Pollock. Now we have dogs playing poker AND I CANNOT FOCUS.
Thursday
Zane: It absolutely needs to be an HDTV, only the best AV equipment available. Easier to spy, as well as network with other lairs.
Hastings: What do you mean, lairs, plural? A proper lair deserves reverence. One does not simply “lair” around.
Zane: No, you need options. You don’t want a lairing deficiency.
Hastings: If the lair is inadequate, it is YOU who had the deficiency.
Zane: Consider the primary lab to be the crescendo of a well structured symphony.
Hastings: You’re still a lair whore.
Zane: It’s accessed via fire pole and a twisting slide.
Hastings: I like the cut of your jib.
Zane: I admire your use of the word “jib”.
Friday
Zane: Eastern European pianos are not as refined, but they do offer an excellent value.
Hastings: Can we just go with a Mason & Hamlin?
Zane: I find that acceptable.
Hastings: THAT handle drops into the shark tank, and THAT one into the pool of Jello!
Zane: Hold on. Why do we have a Jello pool? LARRY!
Saturday
Zane: I think I’ll name the donkey “Curtis.”
Hastings: Curtis?
Zane: You think “Farnsworth” would be better?
Sunday
Hastings: It's...
Zane: You can say it.
Hastings: It's magnificent.
Zane: I agree.
Hastings: You did it.
Zane: You did just as much as I did.
Hastings: Did we just become best friends?
Zane: Yep.
Hastings: Do you want to go kick ass at Outlast?
Zane: Yep!
Monday
Vain, Zane, and Pierce are all assembled in their team locker room. Pierce leans close to Vain.
Pierce: I’m just saying, you could have given me something. Said [/i]something[/i]. You just left a big matzo ball hanging on live TV.
Vain glares at him.
Pierce: Yeah, you’re a real Entertainment Professional, aren’t you…
Donovan saunters into the room.
Zane: Lord-Captain in the room!
Zane stands up as Larry appears out of nowhere holding up a giant sign that reads “LORD-CAPTAIN ARRIVES!!”
Hastings: The time has come. Our destiny is here.
Zane: DESTINY IS HERE!
Larry holds up a sign that reads “DESTINY!”
Hastings: We’re going to go out there tonight, and we’re going to kick ass.
Zane: KICK ALLLLLL OF THE ASS!
Larry holds up a sign showing a picture of a foot kicking an ass.
Hastings: Rydell thinks he is building momentum, that somehow things are going to start going his way. I don’t care what he thinks.
Zane: NONE OF THE CARING!
Larry holds up a picture of a Kumquat. Donovan glances at it and does a double take.
Hastings: ...what?
Zane: Larry! Unacceptable. Get out.
Larry: Why?
Zane: YOU HAD ONE JOB.
Hastings: No, wait.
He hands Larry a piece of paper on which he has written “Pain and Paradox” in crayon.
Hastings: Post this on the door outside. Our locker room should have proper signage of the team it contains.
Larry hangs his head, takes the sign, and leaves.
Zane: You went with that, I like it.
Hastings: The name should represent us.
Pierce: What about us?
He gestures to Vain and himself. Donovan and Zane both appear confused by the question.
Zane: What about you?
Pierce stares at them for a few moments.
Pierce: Nevermind. I don’t see what we even need the pep talk for. We’re facing a team being led by Dave Freakin’ Rydell.
Donovan’s eyes narrow.
Hastings: You’re a fool if you think Phrixus isn’t the leader of any team that he is a part of. He’s the straw that always stirs the drink.
Zane: STIR THAT DRINK!
Donovan glances at Zane for a moment and hesitates, then shrugs his shoulders and continues.
Hastings: This might well be the most competitive tournament in Outlast history. Everything is on the line, and failure isn’t going to be an option. I’ve defended a title at this tournament, and I’ve lost a title at this tournament. This team is going all the way, and I need you with me.
Zane: WE ARE WITH YOU!
Hastings: Let’s do this! Hands in!
Donovan leans forward and puts his hand out. Zane quickly clasps his own on top. Vain rolls his eyes and Pierce starts to get up.
Zane/Hastings: PAIN AND PARADOX!!!
Vain and Pierce exchange a glance as Zane and Donovan charge out of the room.
A table and chairs have been set up in the meeting room of the Dungeon of Pain, the training gym owned and operated by Donovan Hastings, that clearly has not been utilized in years. It is in disarray, dusty and cobwebbed, and has a musty scent to it.
Donovan sits at the head of the table, flanked by Owen Peterson. Opposite him on the other end of the table sits Zane Scott, with Larry standing just behind him. Travis Pierce sits on one side, with Alan Wallace across from him, however Vain is set back from the table, with Simon Wellington down on one knee next to him, whispering something in his ear.
Hastings: Thank you all for coming, obviously we have to go over our team strategy for Outlast, but first, let me begin by saying I’m very excited about this alliance, this is exactly the team I set out to put together when I sat down at the draft.
Zane: Maybe you could start by not patronizing us.
Hastings: I’ve done nothing of the sort.
Zane: Please. I’m sure we all watched the draft. I’ve seen a broken compass have a better sense of direction.
Simon pulls up a chair to the table and sits.
Simon: I would point out that no one, not even Alan himself, knew he was returning in time for Outlast at the time of the draft.
Hastings: Who the fuck told you that you could speak?
Simon: Excuse me?
Zane: I’d have to concur. Do you see him talking?
Zane gestures behind himself towards Larry.
Zane: Or him?
Zane points across the table at Owen standing behind Donovan, as Donovan nods in agreement.
Pierce: Sorry, should I have brought Rob?
Hastings: No, and fuck him, he botched up my In Your Hands campaign.
Zane: Why are we here?
Hastings: Are you deaf? I started all this by saying we have to discuss our strategy.
Zane: No, I mean why are we here.
Zane gestures around at the surroundings.
Hastings: In the Dungeon of Pain?
Zane: If that’s what you call it.
Hastings: It’s certainly a better name than Der Ort Nehmen sie Hunde sie Kastrieren.
Zane: That’s not what I call my lair.
Hastings: Well, you should. Sounds to me like a name that would instill fear.
Zane: No. It just sounds weird, and vaguely insulting.
Hastings: Well clearly you have no understanding of what makes for a proper lair. The Dungeon of Pain is an exquisite example.
Zane: Yes, of course. The hag sitting at the front desk is a nice touch. Tell me, does she have two broken hips? Is that why she apparently hasn’t moved in years?
Hastings: You will refer to Old Lady Levene by her proper title of “Old Bag” or don’t speak of her at all.
Zane: Classy.
Hastings: You had your Owen there bring you here on a rickshaw, and you’re going to criticize my choice of lairs.
Zane: I fail to see the connection between my usage of a rickshaw, which is a delightful way to travel and helps me get my daily steps in, and your shitpile of a lair.
Pierce: Wait, which of you pulled the rickshaw?
Zane: It helps pay the bills.
Hastings: You shouldn’t have bills. You should have a self-sustaining lair, or don’t have one at all.
Zane: If this was all I could manage for a lair, I’d go with not having one at all.
Hastings: You think you could do better?
Zane: I know a great interior decorator.
Simon Wellington stands up.
Simon: Well gentlemen, I believe that our time here is finished. Please continue this asinine rambling...my client and I are leaving.
Donovan slams his fist on the table.
Hastings: There you go, fucking speaking again. And dammit, this is a team strategy meeting! This is important! Where are you going?!
Vain and Simon depart.
Hastings: Treachery! Mutiny! How dare those two depart 'The Lord of Pain Team Preparedness Meeting' without first being dismissed?!?! Insolence!
Zane clears his throat.
Hastings: What?!?
Zane: I said I know I great interior decorator.
Hastings: I don’t want this place looking like a German airport!
Zane: Nothing of the sort. She can have this place cleaned up and spiffy and stylish in record time. Could get us an ice cream machine too.
Pierce: I love ice cream.
Larry: Chocolate ice cream!
Hastings: Chocolate ice cream is the fecal matter of the inadequate.
Zane: It can dispense whatever flavor you like, but we need it.
Hastings: We don’t need anything that you would have in whatever half-assed faux-lair you think is proper.
Zane: This could be made into a proper lair.
Hastings: What do you mean, could?
Zane: It’s possible. I could fix it.
Hastings: Not without me, you sure as hell aren’t.
They stare across the table at each other intently, while Pierce shifts uncomfortably.
Hastings: Fine. We table the strategy discussion until the lair is set.
Pierce: Do I have to stay for this?
Zane/Hastings: No.
Wednesday
Hastings: You FOOL. The cameras must point WEST!
~
Zane: I only agreed because you claimed to have access to an original Jackson Pollock. Now we have dogs playing poker AND I CANNOT FOCUS.
Thursday
Zane: It absolutely needs to be an HDTV, only the best AV equipment available. Easier to spy, as well as network with other lairs.
Hastings: What do you mean, lairs, plural? A proper lair deserves reverence. One does not simply “lair” around.
Zane: No, you need options. You don’t want a lairing deficiency.
Hastings: If the lair is inadequate, it is YOU who had the deficiency.
Zane: Consider the primary lab to be the crescendo of a well structured symphony.
Hastings: You’re still a lair whore.
~
Zane: It’s accessed via fire pole and a twisting slide.
Hastings: I like the cut of your jib.
Zane: I admire your use of the word “jib”.
Friday
Zane: Eastern European pianos are not as refined, but they do offer an excellent value.
Hastings: Can we just go with a Mason & Hamlin?
Zane: I find that acceptable.
~
Hastings: THAT handle drops into the shark tank, and THAT one into the pool of Jello!
Zane: Hold on. Why do we have a Jello pool? LARRY!
Saturday
Zane: I think I’ll name the donkey “Curtis.”
Hastings: Curtis?
Zane: You think “Farnsworth” would be better?
Sunday
Hastings: It's...
Zane: You can say it.
Hastings: It's magnificent.
Zane: I agree.
Hastings: You did it.
Zane: You did just as much as I did.
Hastings: Did we just become best friends?
Zane: Yep.
Hastings: Do you want to go kick ass at Outlast?
Zane: Yep!
Monday
Vain, Zane, and Pierce are all assembled in their team locker room. Pierce leans close to Vain.
Pierce: I’m just saying, you could have given me something. Said [/i]something[/i]. You just left a big matzo ball hanging on live TV.
Vain glares at him.
Pierce: Yeah, you’re a real Entertainment Professional, aren’t you…
Donovan saunters into the room.
Zane: Lord-Captain in the room!
Zane stands up as Larry appears out of nowhere holding up a giant sign that reads “LORD-CAPTAIN ARRIVES!!”
Hastings: The time has come. Our destiny is here.
Zane: DESTINY IS HERE!
Larry holds up a sign that reads “DESTINY!”
Hastings: We’re going to go out there tonight, and we’re going to kick ass.
Zane: KICK ALLLLLL OF THE ASS!
Larry holds up a sign showing a picture of a foot kicking an ass.
Hastings: Rydell thinks he is building momentum, that somehow things are going to start going his way. I don’t care what he thinks.
Zane: NONE OF THE CARING!
Larry holds up a picture of a Kumquat. Donovan glances at it and does a double take.
Hastings: ...what?
Zane: Larry! Unacceptable. Get out.
Larry: Why?
Zane: YOU HAD ONE JOB.
Hastings: No, wait.
He hands Larry a piece of paper on which he has written “Pain and Paradox” in crayon.
Hastings: Post this on the door outside. Our locker room should have proper signage of the team it contains.
Larry hangs his head, takes the sign, and leaves.
Zane: You went with that, I like it.
Hastings: The name should represent us.
Pierce: What about us?
He gestures to Vain and himself. Donovan and Zane both appear confused by the question.
Zane: What about you?
Pierce stares at them for a few moments.
Pierce: Nevermind. I don’t see what we even need the pep talk for. We’re facing a team being led by Dave Freakin’ Rydell.
Donovan’s eyes narrow.
Hastings: You’re a fool if you think Phrixus isn’t the leader of any team that he is a part of. He’s the straw that always stirs the drink.
Zane: STIR THAT DRINK!
Donovan glances at Zane for a moment and hesitates, then shrugs his shoulders and continues.
Hastings: This might well be the most competitive tournament in Outlast history. Everything is on the line, and failure isn’t going to be an option. I’ve defended a title at this tournament, and I’ve lost a title at this tournament. This team is going all the way, and I need you with me.
Zane: WE ARE WITH YOU!
Hastings: Let’s do this! Hands in!
Donovan leans forward and puts his hand out. Zane quickly clasps his own on top. Vain rolls his eyes and Pierce starts to get up.
Zane/Hastings: PAIN AND PARADOX!!!
Vain and Pierce exchange a glance as Zane and Donovan charge out of the room.
