Post by Zane on Oct 28, 2017 19:42:42 GMT -5
After Synergy
“Please sign here, Mr. Scott.”
The Security Officer hands a clipboard to Zane, who takes it as he casts an admonishing look at Larry. Larry turns a deep shade of red at Zane’s reproachful look and casts his gaze to the floor. Zane signs the “signature” line on the clipboard and hands it back to the guard, who takes it with a nod and a slight smile, which Zane acknowledges with an eye roll. He looks down at Larry and shakes his head.
“Come on, Wild Man.” He says. “Let’s go.”
Larry slowly stands up, his shoulders slumped and his eyes locked onto the floor. Zane shakes his head and conceals a chuckle from his clearly humiliated assistant. He puts a hand between Larry’s shoulders and gently nudges him towards the door, then looks at the guard and nods.
“Thanks, Charlie.” He says. “I’ll be sure to hire a babysitter next time. Sorry for the mess and the...distraction?”
Zane’s voice ends in a questioning tone, as if he’s not quite sure that “distraction” is the right word to use. Charlie puts his right hand over his mouth and nods as his face begins to flush slightly. Larry takes two steps towards the door, then lifts his head as if he’s about to say something, stops and then lets out a disconsolate sigh before his shoulders slump again and he disconsolately plods out of the door and into the hallway. Zane follows behind, once again barely stifling a laugh. They make it about five steps down the hall when the silence and solemnness of the moment is shattered by the sound of hysterical laughter coming from the Security Office. Larry looks up at Zane in confusion.
“What’s Charlie laughing at?” He asks.
Zane affects a shrug and somehow manages to keep a straight face as he looks at his incredibly disheveled and sopping wet personal assistant, who’s leaving a trail of droplets behind him on the concrete floor. Larry looks over his shoulder at the Security Office quizzically, which allows Zane to turn his head and stifle another laugh of his own. By the time that Larry turns back around and looks at Zane, he’s composed himself and once again has a very “disappointed” expression on his face.
“I don’t get it.” Larry says, confused.
Zane shakes his head and shrugs.
“Maybe he heard a really good joke lately.” He replies.
Larry stands silently and thinks about this for a moment before he finally nods once and then resumes shuffling towards the “Pain and Paradox” locker room. Zane falls into stride next to him and puts a hand on his shoulder.
“So, Wild Child; that was some brouhaha that you and your new partner in crime threw in our locker room.” Zane says with a slight smile. “They could be cleaning your hand prints off of the walls for weeks.”
Larry replies with a dejected sigh but he doesn’t look at Zane.
“I know.” He answers. “I don’t know what came over me.”
Zane manages to stifle another laugh before he clears his throat and affects a more “serious” tone.
“Neither do I, Larry.” He replies. “I’d be impressed at what you and Owen did if I wasn’t so disappointed in you.”
Larry’s lower lip quivers a bit, but he doesn’t cry or even tear up.
“Where is Owen?” He asks.
Zane takes a short breath and lets it out slowly, as if he’s doing so as a gesture of great disappointment.
“Security took him to a different office.” He replies. “After what you two did, they felt it was best to separate you.”
Larry nods his head.
“Poor Owen.” He says sadly. “Donovan must be so angry with him.”
Zane chokes back a laugh and clears his throat.
“He is.” He answers. “Owen is in a lot of trouble when we get back to the ‘Dungeon’.”
“Will he be grounded?” Larry inquires.
“That’s up to Donovan.” Zane replies.
“Will I be grounded?” Larry asks.
“I haven’t decided yet.” Zane answers.
Larry gloomily sighs again as the two continue their seemingly long walk back to the dressing room.
“How exactly did you get so wild off of milk and soda?” He inquires. “I’ve never seen anyone get...drunk...ish off of those.”
Larry scuffles his foot across the floor, acting as if he’s kicking something as he lets out another melancholy sigh.
“Well...” He says meekly. “I may have had one of your beers.”
The remark stops Zane dead in his tracks as a look that is part confusion and part amusement passes across his face.
“One beer?” He asks. “You got that ripped off of one beer?”
Larry sighs yet again and shakes his head.
“Well...” He replies. “I did have four Root Beer’s.”
Zane’s left hand finds itself on his face as he shakes his head chuckles to himself.
“Root Beer isn’t alcoholic.” He answers. “Try again.”
Larry shakes his head and continues his moribund shuffle to his fate.
“I had a beer.” He says dejectedly.
“Just one?” Zane answers.
“Well...” Larry replies. “Half of one.”
Zane stifles another short laugh and somehow manages to keep his “serious” visage in place.
“Half...” He replies. “You got drunk off of half of a beer?”
Larry shakes his head.
“Ok...” He answers. “Maybe it was a quarter of a beer. It’s all a little fuzzy.”
Zane’s mouth drops open, dumbfounded at Larry’s admission. He slowly closes it as he jaw opens and closes a few times as he apparently tries to formulate a response to what he’s just been told. He finally manages to do so, although not without some difficultly.
“You got drunk on one quarter of a beer...”
Larry nods in shame.
“Apparently.” He answers.
Zane takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.
“Well, at least you didn’t get sick...”
Larry’s head snaps up, googley eyed as he raises his right hand with his pointer finger raised. A loud and angry gurgling noise emanates from his stomach that causes Zane to take a step back from him.
“Hold that thought!” He exclaims as he dashes off camera towards a dark corner.
A few seconds later the silence is interrupted by the sounds of violent and squeaky upchucking. Zane face palms again and shakes his head. He lowers his hand and looks towards the direction of his puking assistant.
“I’ll go get a janitor.” He says tiredly.
He shakes his head in a mixture of amazement and disgust as Larry continues to loudly toss his cookies off camera.
“A quarter of a beer...” He says to himself.
His voice trails off and he walks away to find someone to clean up the mess left by his somehow drunk assistant and his vomitus calamity.
Interlude
It has been a few days since the incident that has now become known as “Larry’s Vomitus Calamity, 2017”. In that time the denizens of the Dungeon have learned their assigned stipulations for Battleground and chosen their own ways of planning for them. Donovan and Owen have disappeared as “The Lord Chief” seemed to be taking a more intense approach to it than many, excluding Zane, would have expected. Upon hearing the stipulation for Zane, Larry got all aflutter and disappeared into his room. This made Zane nervous, but being that there was nothing pressing to discuss between them, Zane let it be. His nervousness was further elevated to slight distress on Tuesday afternoon as he passed by Larry’s room. He could have sworn that he smelled a confused combination of incense odors, accompanied by the occasional squealing yelp.
It was this strangled sounding yelp that almost made Zane knock on his door.
Almost.
He decided against it and kept walking on Tuesday.
He would regret this decision on Wednesday.
Wednesday
“The Dungeon of Pain and Paradox”
Zane looks up from the long prep table in the kitchen next to the training room in the Dungeon of Pain and Paradox. His expression is one of being perplexed. He tilts his head slightly to the left and looks towards the ceiling as if the answer that he seeks will be there. He stands and listens to the silence for a few moments and upon hearing nothing else he shrugs and resumes preparing his protein shake and eggs. He resumes scrambling the eggs in the bowl, whisking them briskly but not violently. This goes on for about another minute until he looks up and frowns slightly. He continues whisking the eggs, although at a slower speed than he had been as he listens for the mysterious sound that he obviously appears to have thought that he heard again.
Upon not hearing it, he shrugs and finishes whisking the eggs. He lifts up the black ceramic bowl from the island, turns and walks to the stove. He turns the knob, waits for the gas to light and slowly pours the eggs into the pan. He watches as they begin to fry on the pan, picks up the spatula and spins it around in his hands a few times. He waits a minute or so, gently pushes the spatula under the egg, lifts it up and turns it over so that it starts to sizzle on the other side. He watches it for a few moments and gives it a slight nudge so that it doesn’t burn.
It finally finishes cooking and he switches off the range, then picks it up, puts it on a plate and picks it and his protein shake up and exits the kitchen. He steps through the door into the gym when the air is suddenly split by a bloodcurdling squeak.
It’s easy to surmise that it was supposed to be a yell.
Unfortunately for Zane the loud expulsion of sound catches Zane completely by surprise and he reacts as many people probably would. He flinches. Violently. This has the unfortunate side effect of sending his meal on an unplanned flight. Of course this results in an unplanned landing and that landing misses Zane’s head by inches but results in both his shoulder and the floor covered in eggs. The plate isn’t as lucky as it crashes to the floor and loudly explodes in a mess of ceramic.
Zane looks down at the floor and lets out a slightly annoyed huff before he looks down at the mess of egg on his right shoulder, picks it off and drops it into his mouth. He looks down at the remainder of his former meal that is now on the floor and shrugs.
“Oh well.” He says to himself. “It made a great egg-scape.”
He grins at his own rather bad pun and looks up at the ring, where the culprit of his loss of sustenance is standing in the ring looking down at him. He looks up at the person and shakes his head.
“Thanks.” He says. “I was going to eat that.”
Larry replies to Zane’s comment with a sad look. Zane looks him up and down and upon doing so is clearly confused by the appearance of his personal assistant. We finally see what’s going on and true to Larry form it’s a bit silly looking. Larry stands before Zane in the ring decked out in a flowing brown robe that is tied off at the waist with a simple orange belt. His feet are bare and for some reason he has a bald wig stretched over his head. He holds a wooden broom handle in his hands and is sweating profusely. Zane stands silently for a moment, then closes his eyes, shakes his head and pinches the bridge of his nose with his right thumb and pointer finger before he finally looks up at his oddly attired assistant.
“Dare I even ask what these shenanigans are all about?” He inquires.
Larry holds up a finger and reaches into his pocket. When he pulls his hand out, he has a mini tape-recorder in it. He presses a button on it.
“I am here to help you train for your stipulation for Battleground.” He mouths with the tape.
Each word is accompanied by an exaggerated gesture, most of which make him look like a skinny brown windmill. Zane takes this in with a raised eyebrow instead of the surprise that most would probably greet it with. Unfortunately for Zane he’s used to this tomfoolery from his assistant.
“I...” He says. “You...”
He stops and closes his eyes yet again and once again he pinches the sides of his nose with his thumb and his pointer finger. He takes a short breath and opens his eyes.
“Let me try that again.” He says. “This this time by using complete sentences.”
He takes another short breath and walks up to the ring apron.
“You look like a doofus.” He says. “And how is dressing up in a brown Walmart bathrobe like that going to help me at Battleground?”
Larry responds by pressing the same button on the recorder.
“It represents your element.” Larry replies. “If you can become one with your understanding of our great element of Earth, it will lead you to victory.” Larry mouths. “This journey will not be easy, for our mysteries can take a lifetime to learn. Unfortunately for you, you only have a little under a week.”
He presses a button and the tape stops with an audible “click”. Zane shakes his head at Larry and exhales slowly.
“This might be the most absurd idea you’ve had yet.” He replies. “And that’s saying a lot.”
Larry responds with an uncharacteristic an expression of calmness. He slowly nods his head as he leans against the broom handle that he has in his hands. He reaches down and presses a button in his pocket then looks up and thrusts his arm towards Zane, which causes his over sized sleeve to wave around his extremely skinny wrist. The voice it plays is deeper than the previous one and slightly more exaggerated.
“You must overcome your doubts and modern perceptions or you will never realize your path.” He mouths. “The ways to enlightenment are often shrouded in the mists of the past and those who are meant to walk a different path will be brought to embrace it in time. You must embrace your path or you will not find the success that you seek.”
The recording switches off with a click, after which Larry slowly nods his head as an old sage would. Zane looks at him with a flat expression. He walks over to the side of the ring and places his protein shake on the floor. He looks up at Larry and shrugs.
“Fine.” He says. “Let’s hear it, Dolomite.”
Larry flexes his hand and the pattern repeats itself, this time in the voice of an old man.
“You must face yourself honestly.” He mouths. “You must embrace both the positive and negative aspects of your being. It was not coincidence that the element of Earth was chosen for you, for you embody it in all of its positive and negative forms.”
Zane steps up onto the apron with an arched eyebrow.
“Why does that voice sound familiar?” He asks.
Larry doesn’t overtly respond to the question. He just leans silently on his broom stick “staff” and gazes at Zane. Zane steps through the ropes and grins at him.
“Is that expression supposed to make you look wise?” He asks. “Because it’s failing. You look like you’re high.”
Larry slowly nods his head and begins to gesticulate again. The same voice starts to speak, although it starts a few seconds later than Larry's mouth had started to move.
“I have the knowledge.” He says. “You need to be able to tune the world out and let the universe guide you to nirvana. If you continue to ignore its call, you will never achieve the unity of spirit that you will need to become your ultimate form.”
Zane chuckles again.
“That’s oddly profound and yet utterly absurd.” He replies. “You make enlightenment sound like ‘Pokemon’.”
Larry lifts up his hand and waves it dismissively. He slightly loses his balance when he leans forward and nearly topples over before he catches himself and returns to his ‘sage’ position. He finally regains his composure and tries to catch up with the recording that’s already going. All it serves to do is create an even more disjointed image than he’s so far presented.
“...embrace your nature. There is no other way.”
Zane chuckles again.
“Ok, Master Po.” He answers. “And what should I do to ‘embrace my nature’? I think I’ve done a pretty good job of that before now.”
“Master” Larry nods in disagreement.
“You have taken but the first steps.” Larry continues. “In your past you have represented both the most inflexible and imprisoning aspects of your elemental nature and the most unstable aspects and in those times during your journey, you had fleeting moments of success but ultimately failed because your inherent being was one of disharmony and chaos.”
Zane rolls his eyes.
“No offense intended,” He says. “But spare me the ‘chaos’ shit. I hear enough of that empty drivel already.”
Larry leans the head of his “staff” forward and pokes Zane in the chest with it. This time the voice comes out speaking in a deep and forceful tone which sounds like a foreign language. Zane rolls his eyes.
“I don’t speak Japanese, Larry.” He says with a chuckle.
Larry reaches into his pocket and does something. Whatever it is causes the voice to momentarily speed up before it changes to the same voice with a really bad sounding translation. Zane shakes his head as Larry tries to speak along with it.
“You deride the chaos in others that you have embodied for years.” He says. “This is why you have not achieved your nature. It matters not that the other elements exist, sometimes in opposition to you. It matters not that you must face and conquer the embodiment of those elements, for that is at times the nature of existence. If you cannot master your own nature and put it in balance, then you will have failed before you must challenge the avatars of air, fire, water, space and consciousness.”
Zane looks genuinely impressed, although it’s impossible to tell if it’s by the soliloquy or the voice that it was delivered it.
“How did you get that voice over of Toshiro Mifune?” He asks. “And personally, if I was going to use ‘The Seven Samurai’ that way, I’d have gone with Kambei Shimada, not Kikuchiyo. Although I can see the reasoning behind that choice as he was a very erratic and self-destructive person in the movie.”
“Master” Larry takes a step back and begins to twirl his “staff” in his hands. It’s quite a sight to behold as he’s far more coordinated than anyone would have ever given him credit for. For his part, Zane looks genuinely impressed.
“Damn.” He says. “When did you learn to do that?”
“Master” Larry doesn’t answer. He keeps twirling his “staff” from hand to hand. Zane shrugs and leans against the turnbuckle.
“Can I point out that went from ‘Kung Fu’, which is Chinese in origin and was developed by actual Buddhist monks to references to Samurai, who practiced ‘Bushido’, which is an influence for modern Karate?” He asks. “You seem to be a little scrambled in your ‘lessons’.”
“Master” Larry throws the staff up in the air and reaches out to catch it. Unfortunately for him he steps on the bottom of his robe, which throws him off balance. He pitches forward and nearly hits the mat when the broom handle tumbles back down and slams end first into the middle of his back, which causes the remainder of it to pitch forward and smack him with its broadside across the back of his head with a loud “thunk”. In the history of “Man v Broomstick” battles, the record is long and full of draws.
This is not one of those times.
The broomstick conquers its foe as Larry drops to the ground in a heap.
LATER
“Ow”.
Larry’s eyes flutter open and he puts his hand to his head. He sits up on the couch and looks at Zane, who looks at him with crooked grin. Zane flips another page in his magazine and adjusts his feet on the Ottoman. Larry stands up and sways a little on his feet before he catches himself on the arm of the couch.
“Ow.” He says again.
“You said that already.” Zane says, his grin widening.
Larry tries to shoot him a dirty look, but he winces the minute he frowns and nearly topples over backwards onto the couch. Zane stands up and places his magazine down, then steps to the couch and helps Larry ease back into it. He stands back up and holds a hand out.
“Stay put.” He says. “I’ll go get you an ice pack.”
Larry tries to nod, but winces again and appears to nearly pass out.
“Ow.” He says again. “I feel like someone is playing the bongos inside my skull.”
Zane chuckles in response and pauses before he enters the bar and eating area of the Dungeon’s entertainment room.
“You put up a valiant battle against the mighty broom handle, Larry.” Zane answers. “But alas, you fell to its might in the tenth round when it landed a precision strike to the back of your head.”
“Ha, h...ow.” Larry starts to answer, but is interrupted by another apparent shot of pain through his head as he winces again.
He puts his hand back to his head as Zane walks into the kitchen, trailed by a loud laugh. He returns a few moments later with an ice pack that’s wrapped in a purple washcloth. He walks over and hands it to Larry, who takes it and presses it against the back of his head. Zane steps back and then returns to his chair.
“Frankly I’m surprised that you didn’t break your nose when you feel in a heap on the floor.”
Larry tries to frown and fails again as another shot of pain causes him to squeeze his eyes closed.
“I can’t believe that this was caused by wood.” He says.
“That’s what she said.” Zane replies, deadpan.
Larry sticks his tongue out and presses the ice pack against his head.
“Funny.” He replies, equally deadpan. “I’m glad that my misery amuses you so much.”
Zane shrugs in reply.
“I’m a prick, Larry.” He answers.
“You’re a meanie.” Larry concurs.
“Yup.” Zane says.
Larry opens his mouth to say something when he’s brought up short by a door opening out of the shot. His face breaks out into a wide grin.
“Owe...owwwwww.” He says as he winces again.
Owen walks into the frame and casts a quizzical look at Larry before he looks over at Zane.
“What happened?” He asks.
“He lost a battle with a particularly aggressive broom handle.” Zane replies with a grin.
Owen’s confused expression deepens and he looks back at Larry.
“I don’t get it.” He asks. "A broom handle?"
Zane shrugs from behind him and flips a page in his magazine.
“Mr. ‘Kung Fu Warrior’ tried to help me prepare for ‘Battleground’ as only he can.”
Owen looks from Larry to Zane and back.
“Gotcha.” He replies. “Hence the brown getup.”
“Yup.” Zane replies.
Owen looks down at Larry and nods.
“I hope you feel better.” He says sympathetically.
“Thanks.” Larry replies. “I can’t believe that wood can hurt so much.”
“That’s what she said.” Comes Donovan’s voice from behind the couch at the same time Zane says it.
He steps into view and he and Zane “high five” each other.
“Nailed it!” They say in unison.
Zane’s face screws up with a weird look.
“What’s with the get up?” He asks as Donovan steps into view in a red kimono and sash that’s so loud that it’s absolutely garish and nearly blinding.
Donovan returns Zane’s perplexed look with one of his own.
“What?” He asks. “I’m fire. I thought it would help me to understand my element.”
We fade out to the sound of a hand hitting a face as Zane face palms.
Larry just grins in vindication.
“Please sign here, Mr. Scott.”
The Security Officer hands a clipboard to Zane, who takes it as he casts an admonishing look at Larry. Larry turns a deep shade of red at Zane’s reproachful look and casts his gaze to the floor. Zane signs the “signature” line on the clipboard and hands it back to the guard, who takes it with a nod and a slight smile, which Zane acknowledges with an eye roll. He looks down at Larry and shakes his head.
“Come on, Wild Man.” He says. “Let’s go.”
Larry slowly stands up, his shoulders slumped and his eyes locked onto the floor. Zane shakes his head and conceals a chuckle from his clearly humiliated assistant. He puts a hand between Larry’s shoulders and gently nudges him towards the door, then looks at the guard and nods.
“Thanks, Charlie.” He says. “I’ll be sure to hire a babysitter next time. Sorry for the mess and the...distraction?”
Zane’s voice ends in a questioning tone, as if he’s not quite sure that “distraction” is the right word to use. Charlie puts his right hand over his mouth and nods as his face begins to flush slightly. Larry takes two steps towards the door, then lifts his head as if he’s about to say something, stops and then lets out a disconsolate sigh before his shoulders slump again and he disconsolately plods out of the door and into the hallway. Zane follows behind, once again barely stifling a laugh. They make it about five steps down the hall when the silence and solemnness of the moment is shattered by the sound of hysterical laughter coming from the Security Office. Larry looks up at Zane in confusion.
“What’s Charlie laughing at?” He asks.
Zane affects a shrug and somehow manages to keep a straight face as he looks at his incredibly disheveled and sopping wet personal assistant, who’s leaving a trail of droplets behind him on the concrete floor. Larry looks over his shoulder at the Security Office quizzically, which allows Zane to turn his head and stifle another laugh of his own. By the time that Larry turns back around and looks at Zane, he’s composed himself and once again has a very “disappointed” expression on his face.
“I don’t get it.” Larry says, confused.
Zane shakes his head and shrugs.
“Maybe he heard a really good joke lately.” He replies.
Larry stands silently and thinks about this for a moment before he finally nods once and then resumes shuffling towards the “Pain and Paradox” locker room. Zane falls into stride next to him and puts a hand on his shoulder.
“So, Wild Child; that was some brouhaha that you and your new partner in crime threw in our locker room.” Zane says with a slight smile. “They could be cleaning your hand prints off of the walls for weeks.”
Larry replies with a dejected sigh but he doesn’t look at Zane.
“I know.” He answers. “I don’t know what came over me.”
Zane manages to stifle another laugh before he clears his throat and affects a more “serious” tone.
“Neither do I, Larry.” He replies. “I’d be impressed at what you and Owen did if I wasn’t so disappointed in you.”
Larry’s lower lip quivers a bit, but he doesn’t cry or even tear up.
“Where is Owen?” He asks.
Zane takes a short breath and lets it out slowly, as if he’s doing so as a gesture of great disappointment.
“Security took him to a different office.” He replies. “After what you two did, they felt it was best to separate you.”
Larry nods his head.
“Poor Owen.” He says sadly. “Donovan must be so angry with him.”
Zane chokes back a laugh and clears his throat.
“He is.” He answers. “Owen is in a lot of trouble when we get back to the ‘Dungeon’.”
“Will he be grounded?” Larry inquires.
“That’s up to Donovan.” Zane replies.
“Will I be grounded?” Larry asks.
“I haven’t decided yet.” Zane answers.
Larry gloomily sighs again as the two continue their seemingly long walk back to the dressing room.
“How exactly did you get so wild off of milk and soda?” He inquires. “I’ve never seen anyone get...drunk...ish off of those.”
Larry scuffles his foot across the floor, acting as if he’s kicking something as he lets out another melancholy sigh.
“Well...” He says meekly. “I may have had one of your beers.”
The remark stops Zane dead in his tracks as a look that is part confusion and part amusement passes across his face.
“One beer?” He asks. “You got that ripped off of one beer?”
Larry sighs yet again and shakes his head.
“Well...” He replies. “I did have four Root Beer’s.”
Zane’s left hand finds itself on his face as he shakes his head chuckles to himself.
“Root Beer isn’t alcoholic.” He answers. “Try again.”
Larry shakes his head and continues his moribund shuffle to his fate.
“I had a beer.” He says dejectedly.
“Just one?” Zane answers.
“Well...” Larry replies. “Half of one.”
Zane stifles another short laugh and somehow manages to keep his “serious” visage in place.
“Half...” He replies. “You got drunk off of half of a beer?”
Larry shakes his head.
“Ok...” He answers. “Maybe it was a quarter of a beer. It’s all a little fuzzy.”
Zane’s mouth drops open, dumbfounded at Larry’s admission. He slowly closes it as he jaw opens and closes a few times as he apparently tries to formulate a response to what he’s just been told. He finally manages to do so, although not without some difficultly.
“You got drunk on one quarter of a beer...”
Larry nods in shame.
“Apparently.” He answers.
Zane takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.
“Well, at least you didn’t get sick...”
Larry’s head snaps up, googley eyed as he raises his right hand with his pointer finger raised. A loud and angry gurgling noise emanates from his stomach that causes Zane to take a step back from him.
“Hold that thought!” He exclaims as he dashes off camera towards a dark corner.
A few seconds later the silence is interrupted by the sounds of violent and squeaky upchucking. Zane face palms again and shakes his head. He lowers his hand and looks towards the direction of his puking assistant.
“I’ll go get a janitor.” He says tiredly.
He shakes his head in a mixture of amazement and disgust as Larry continues to loudly toss his cookies off camera.
“A quarter of a beer...” He says to himself.
His voice trails off and he walks away to find someone to clean up the mess left by his somehow drunk assistant and his vomitus calamity.
Interlude
It has been a few days since the incident that has now become known as “Larry’s Vomitus Calamity, 2017”. In that time the denizens of the Dungeon have learned their assigned stipulations for Battleground and chosen their own ways of planning for them. Donovan and Owen have disappeared as “The Lord Chief” seemed to be taking a more intense approach to it than many, excluding Zane, would have expected. Upon hearing the stipulation for Zane, Larry got all aflutter and disappeared into his room. This made Zane nervous, but being that there was nothing pressing to discuss between them, Zane let it be. His nervousness was further elevated to slight distress on Tuesday afternoon as he passed by Larry’s room. He could have sworn that he smelled a confused combination of incense odors, accompanied by the occasional squealing yelp.
It was this strangled sounding yelp that almost made Zane knock on his door.
Almost.
He decided against it and kept walking on Tuesday.
He would regret this decision on Wednesday.
Wednesday
“The Dungeon of Pain and Paradox”
Zane looks up from the long prep table in the kitchen next to the training room in the Dungeon of Pain and Paradox. His expression is one of being perplexed. He tilts his head slightly to the left and looks towards the ceiling as if the answer that he seeks will be there. He stands and listens to the silence for a few moments and upon hearing nothing else he shrugs and resumes preparing his protein shake and eggs. He resumes scrambling the eggs in the bowl, whisking them briskly but not violently. This goes on for about another minute until he looks up and frowns slightly. He continues whisking the eggs, although at a slower speed than he had been as he listens for the mysterious sound that he obviously appears to have thought that he heard again.
Upon not hearing it, he shrugs and finishes whisking the eggs. He lifts up the black ceramic bowl from the island, turns and walks to the stove. He turns the knob, waits for the gas to light and slowly pours the eggs into the pan. He watches as they begin to fry on the pan, picks up the spatula and spins it around in his hands a few times. He waits a minute or so, gently pushes the spatula under the egg, lifts it up and turns it over so that it starts to sizzle on the other side. He watches it for a few moments and gives it a slight nudge so that it doesn’t burn.
It finally finishes cooking and he switches off the range, then picks it up, puts it on a plate and picks it and his protein shake up and exits the kitchen. He steps through the door into the gym when the air is suddenly split by a bloodcurdling squeak.
It’s easy to surmise that it was supposed to be a yell.
Unfortunately for Zane the loud expulsion of sound catches Zane completely by surprise and he reacts as many people probably would. He flinches. Violently. This has the unfortunate side effect of sending his meal on an unplanned flight. Of course this results in an unplanned landing and that landing misses Zane’s head by inches but results in both his shoulder and the floor covered in eggs. The plate isn’t as lucky as it crashes to the floor and loudly explodes in a mess of ceramic.
Zane looks down at the floor and lets out a slightly annoyed huff before he looks down at the mess of egg on his right shoulder, picks it off and drops it into his mouth. He looks down at the remainder of his former meal that is now on the floor and shrugs.
“Oh well.” He says to himself. “It made a great egg-scape.”
He grins at his own rather bad pun and looks up at the ring, where the culprit of his loss of sustenance is standing in the ring looking down at him. He looks up at the person and shakes his head.
“Thanks.” He says. “I was going to eat that.”
Larry replies to Zane’s comment with a sad look. Zane looks him up and down and upon doing so is clearly confused by the appearance of his personal assistant. We finally see what’s going on and true to Larry form it’s a bit silly looking. Larry stands before Zane in the ring decked out in a flowing brown robe that is tied off at the waist with a simple orange belt. His feet are bare and for some reason he has a bald wig stretched over his head. He holds a wooden broom handle in his hands and is sweating profusely. Zane stands silently for a moment, then closes his eyes, shakes his head and pinches the bridge of his nose with his right thumb and pointer finger before he finally looks up at his oddly attired assistant.
“Dare I even ask what these shenanigans are all about?” He inquires.
Larry holds up a finger and reaches into his pocket. When he pulls his hand out, he has a mini tape-recorder in it. He presses a button on it.
“I am here to help you train for your stipulation for Battleground.” He mouths with the tape.
Each word is accompanied by an exaggerated gesture, most of which make him look like a skinny brown windmill. Zane takes this in with a raised eyebrow instead of the surprise that most would probably greet it with. Unfortunately for Zane he’s used to this tomfoolery from his assistant.
“I...” He says. “You...”
He stops and closes his eyes yet again and once again he pinches the sides of his nose with his thumb and his pointer finger. He takes a short breath and opens his eyes.
“Let me try that again.” He says. “This this time by using complete sentences.”
He takes another short breath and walks up to the ring apron.
“You look like a doofus.” He says. “And how is dressing up in a brown Walmart bathrobe like that going to help me at Battleground?”
Larry responds by pressing the same button on the recorder.
“It represents your element.” Larry replies. “If you can become one with your understanding of our great element of Earth, it will lead you to victory.” Larry mouths. “This journey will not be easy, for our mysteries can take a lifetime to learn. Unfortunately for you, you only have a little under a week.”
He presses a button and the tape stops with an audible “click”. Zane shakes his head at Larry and exhales slowly.
“This might be the most absurd idea you’ve had yet.” He replies. “And that’s saying a lot.”
Larry responds with an uncharacteristic an expression of calmness. He slowly nods his head as he leans against the broom handle that he has in his hands. He reaches down and presses a button in his pocket then looks up and thrusts his arm towards Zane, which causes his over sized sleeve to wave around his extremely skinny wrist. The voice it plays is deeper than the previous one and slightly more exaggerated.
“You must overcome your doubts and modern perceptions or you will never realize your path.” He mouths. “The ways to enlightenment are often shrouded in the mists of the past and those who are meant to walk a different path will be brought to embrace it in time. You must embrace your path or you will not find the success that you seek.”
The recording switches off with a click, after which Larry slowly nods his head as an old sage would. Zane looks at him with a flat expression. He walks over to the side of the ring and places his protein shake on the floor. He looks up at Larry and shrugs.
“Fine.” He says. “Let’s hear it, Dolomite.”
Larry flexes his hand and the pattern repeats itself, this time in the voice of an old man.
“You must face yourself honestly.” He mouths. “You must embrace both the positive and negative aspects of your being. It was not coincidence that the element of Earth was chosen for you, for you embody it in all of its positive and negative forms.”
Zane steps up onto the apron with an arched eyebrow.
“Why does that voice sound familiar?” He asks.
Larry doesn’t overtly respond to the question. He just leans silently on his broom stick “staff” and gazes at Zane. Zane steps through the ropes and grins at him.
“Is that expression supposed to make you look wise?” He asks. “Because it’s failing. You look like you’re high.”
Larry slowly nods his head and begins to gesticulate again. The same voice starts to speak, although it starts a few seconds later than Larry's mouth had started to move.
“I have the knowledge.” He says. “You need to be able to tune the world out and let the universe guide you to nirvana. If you continue to ignore its call, you will never achieve the unity of spirit that you will need to become your ultimate form.”
Zane chuckles again.
“That’s oddly profound and yet utterly absurd.” He replies. “You make enlightenment sound like ‘Pokemon’.”
Larry lifts up his hand and waves it dismissively. He slightly loses his balance when he leans forward and nearly topples over before he catches himself and returns to his ‘sage’ position. He finally regains his composure and tries to catch up with the recording that’s already going. All it serves to do is create an even more disjointed image than he’s so far presented.
“...embrace your nature. There is no other way.”
Zane chuckles again.
“Ok, Master Po.” He answers. “And what should I do to ‘embrace my nature’? I think I’ve done a pretty good job of that before now.”
“Master” Larry nods in disagreement.
“You have taken but the first steps.” Larry continues. “In your past you have represented both the most inflexible and imprisoning aspects of your elemental nature and the most unstable aspects and in those times during your journey, you had fleeting moments of success but ultimately failed because your inherent being was one of disharmony and chaos.”
Zane rolls his eyes.
“No offense intended,” He says. “But spare me the ‘chaos’ shit. I hear enough of that empty drivel already.”
Larry leans the head of his “staff” forward and pokes Zane in the chest with it. This time the voice comes out speaking in a deep and forceful tone which sounds like a foreign language. Zane rolls his eyes.
“I don’t speak Japanese, Larry.” He says with a chuckle.
Larry reaches into his pocket and does something. Whatever it is causes the voice to momentarily speed up before it changes to the same voice with a really bad sounding translation. Zane shakes his head as Larry tries to speak along with it.
“You deride the chaos in others that you have embodied for years.” He says. “This is why you have not achieved your nature. It matters not that the other elements exist, sometimes in opposition to you. It matters not that you must face and conquer the embodiment of those elements, for that is at times the nature of existence. If you cannot master your own nature and put it in balance, then you will have failed before you must challenge the avatars of air, fire, water, space and consciousness.”
Zane looks genuinely impressed, although it’s impossible to tell if it’s by the soliloquy or the voice that it was delivered it.
“How did you get that voice over of Toshiro Mifune?” He asks. “And personally, if I was going to use ‘The Seven Samurai’ that way, I’d have gone with Kambei Shimada, not Kikuchiyo. Although I can see the reasoning behind that choice as he was a very erratic and self-destructive person in the movie.”
“Master” Larry takes a step back and begins to twirl his “staff” in his hands. It’s quite a sight to behold as he’s far more coordinated than anyone would have ever given him credit for. For his part, Zane looks genuinely impressed.
“Damn.” He says. “When did you learn to do that?”
“Master” Larry doesn’t answer. He keeps twirling his “staff” from hand to hand. Zane shrugs and leans against the turnbuckle.
“Can I point out that went from ‘Kung Fu’, which is Chinese in origin and was developed by actual Buddhist monks to references to Samurai, who practiced ‘Bushido’, which is an influence for modern Karate?” He asks. “You seem to be a little scrambled in your ‘lessons’.”
“Master” Larry throws the staff up in the air and reaches out to catch it. Unfortunately for him he steps on the bottom of his robe, which throws him off balance. He pitches forward and nearly hits the mat when the broom handle tumbles back down and slams end first into the middle of his back, which causes the remainder of it to pitch forward and smack him with its broadside across the back of his head with a loud “thunk”. In the history of “Man v Broomstick” battles, the record is long and full of draws.
This is not one of those times.
The broomstick conquers its foe as Larry drops to the ground in a heap.
LATER
“Ow”.
Larry’s eyes flutter open and he puts his hand to his head. He sits up on the couch and looks at Zane, who looks at him with crooked grin. Zane flips another page in his magazine and adjusts his feet on the Ottoman. Larry stands up and sways a little on his feet before he catches himself on the arm of the couch.
“Ow.” He says again.
“You said that already.” Zane says, his grin widening.
Larry tries to shoot him a dirty look, but he winces the minute he frowns and nearly topples over backwards onto the couch. Zane stands up and places his magazine down, then steps to the couch and helps Larry ease back into it. He stands back up and holds a hand out.
“Stay put.” He says. “I’ll go get you an ice pack.”
Larry tries to nod, but winces again and appears to nearly pass out.
“Ow.” He says again. “I feel like someone is playing the bongos inside my skull.”
Zane chuckles in response and pauses before he enters the bar and eating area of the Dungeon’s entertainment room.
“You put up a valiant battle against the mighty broom handle, Larry.” Zane answers. “But alas, you fell to its might in the tenth round when it landed a precision strike to the back of your head.”
“Ha, h...ow.” Larry starts to answer, but is interrupted by another apparent shot of pain through his head as he winces again.
He puts his hand back to his head as Zane walks into the kitchen, trailed by a loud laugh. He returns a few moments later with an ice pack that’s wrapped in a purple washcloth. He walks over and hands it to Larry, who takes it and presses it against the back of his head. Zane steps back and then returns to his chair.
“Frankly I’m surprised that you didn’t break your nose when you feel in a heap on the floor.”
Larry tries to frown and fails again as another shot of pain causes him to squeeze his eyes closed.
“I can’t believe that this was caused by wood.” He says.
“That’s what she said.” Zane replies, deadpan.
Larry sticks his tongue out and presses the ice pack against his head.
“Funny.” He replies, equally deadpan. “I’m glad that my misery amuses you so much.”
Zane shrugs in reply.
“I’m a prick, Larry.” He answers.
“You’re a meanie.” Larry concurs.
“Yup.” Zane says.
Larry opens his mouth to say something when he’s brought up short by a door opening out of the shot. His face breaks out into a wide grin.
“Owe...owwwwww.” He says as he winces again.
Owen walks into the frame and casts a quizzical look at Larry before he looks over at Zane.
“What happened?” He asks.
“He lost a battle with a particularly aggressive broom handle.” Zane replies with a grin.
Owen’s confused expression deepens and he looks back at Larry.
“I don’t get it.” He asks. "A broom handle?"
Zane shrugs from behind him and flips a page in his magazine.
“Mr. ‘Kung Fu Warrior’ tried to help me prepare for ‘Battleground’ as only he can.”
Owen looks from Larry to Zane and back.
“Gotcha.” He replies. “Hence the brown getup.”
“Yup.” Zane replies.
Owen looks down at Larry and nods.
“I hope you feel better.” He says sympathetically.
“Thanks.” Larry replies. “I can’t believe that wood can hurt so much.”
“That’s what she said.” Comes Donovan’s voice from behind the couch at the same time Zane says it.
He steps into view and he and Zane “high five” each other.
“Nailed it!” They say in unison.
Zane’s face screws up with a weird look.
“What’s with the get up?” He asks as Donovan steps into view in a red kimono and sash that’s so loud that it’s absolutely garish and nearly blinding.
Donovan returns Zane’s perplexed look with one of his own.
“What?” He asks. “I’m fire. I thought it would help me to understand my element.”
We fade out to the sound of a hand hitting a face as Zane face palms.
Larry just grins in vindication.
2013, '18, '23 
2013 
