Post by Lord Hastings on Dec 8, 2009 19:44:39 GMT -5
We see a couch next to a desk with a chair behind it. Behind both on the wall is a large flat screen television. Owen Peterson stands in front of everything.
Peterson: Yo yo yo, listen up niglets. Intoducin’ da Lord Chief Nigga! From da ghetto’s of Hartford Connecticut! Da Lord o’ Pain, Donovaaaaaaaaan Haaaaaaaaastings!!!
Applause is piped in as Donovan walks onto the set waving, and he takes a seat behind the desk as a moment later Cain Dolan comes in and takes a seat on the couch.
Hastings: Thank you, thank you. I am indeed the Immortal Lord-Chief Nigga of Pain, and you all know my co-host tonight, the Masked Devil, Cain Dolan.
Dolan: Good to be here, my friend.
Peterson: Why didn’t I get to co-host?
Hastings: You had to introduce us. Now go get ready for your later bit.
Owen shakes his head and walks off camera.
Hastings: Now, welcome to this very special broadcast…Travis Roberts: THIS IS YOUR LIFE!
Music begins to play.
Hastings: Wow, that was terrible.
Dolan: AH-CHOOOOOOOO!!!!
The force of Cain’s sneeze blows all of Donovan’s papers and cards off the desk. Donovan glares at him.
Hastings: Great job, Boliver. Well fucking played.
Dolan: Sorry.
Owen shouts from off camera.
Peterson: See? I wouldn’t have done that.
Hastings: It’s okay, il Cartographer here is going to clean it all up, right?
Dolan: Yeah, yeah…
Cain starts picking up the cards and putting them back on the desk. Donovan reaches for them, but hesitates.
Hastings: I’m not touching these after you gooked on them.
Dolan: Uh, you want me to hold them for you?
Hastings: No, I don’t remember what order they go in either. Did you find the one you need later?
Dolan: Yeah.
Hastings: Then just sit over there and I’ll wing this. It’s not like we spent the last few weeks carefully planning it or anything.
Donovan glares at Cain as he takes a seat back on the couch.
Hastings: Right, so, once upon a time Travis Roberts was married to Mary-Joanna Roberts, a relationship which, like many that Travis has had, ended badly. There is much controversy as to what exactly went wrong, but here tonight we present, for the first time, video documentation of exactly what the problem was.
The monitor springs to life, showing Donovan wearing a Travis mask under the sheets of a bed with Calypso. A piece of paper mounted on the headboard reads “Mary-Joanna” with an arrow pointing to Calypso. “Travis” is furiously humping away at “Mary-Joanna” as she yawns.
Calypso: Are you in yet, darling?
The monitor switches off.
Dolan: Now, that’s embarrassing! How did you get that footage?
Hastings: Carefully. Now, that wasn’t the only relationship in the life of Travis Roberts that ended badly. He also had a lengthy man-crush on Declan Prescott, that ended when Prescott decided he didn’t want to wash dishes and became a street bum, forming an alliance with Andy Savana that defied all logic.
Dolan: That was about not wanting to wash dishes?
Hastings: I don’t know, you sneezed on my cards. I’m pretty sure I made that claim in the past, so it might be true or at some point was accepted as true. That’s how these things go.
Dolan: Right, of course. You are correct, sir.
Hastings: Now, at times, the life of Travis Roberts has been plagued by either Danny DiVito in a penguin suit, or an old lady that smells like prunes, but he dealt with the latter by means of an assassination plot.
Dolan: An assassination plot? You’re talking about Tate? I read that was an accident.
Hastings: Yeah, okay, he was walking around in Texas with a gun and thought it might not be loaded. He was in TEXAS. Of course it was loaded.
Dolan: Quite right, quite right. The truth is always perverted by the person that reads it, after all.
Hastings: Don’t be skipping ahead. Now, who did I miss?
Dolan: You haven’t touched on Craig Futile yet.
Hastings: Who in blazes was that?
Dolan: You don’t remember?
Hastings: I would have, but you sneezed on the cards. You know, I would have almost preferred that you shit on the coats.
Dolan: Shit on the coats?
Hastings: On them or around them, yeah.
Dolan: Why?
Hastings: Because I’d be able to read the cards and do this segment like we had planned to begin with.
Dolan: But there would be shit on the coats.
Hastings: Yeah, and you and Owen would clean it up. Let’s talk about eD cASe.
Dolan: Wait, he overlapped with Craig Futile.
Hastings: What’s your point?
Dolan: How can you remember one and not the other?
Hastings: Because eD cASe was freaking creepy, but today we’re going to get some insight into that, as joining us now, live via satellite, please welcome Ernesto to our broadcast!
Ernesto appears on the monitor.
Hastings: Hello there.
Ernesto: Thank you for having me.
Hastings: I understand that you have a bit of history with eD cASe, a past associate of Travis Roberts. Can you shed a little light on that?
Ernesto: Yes, I can. We spent a lot of time together back during our days on The Street, but whereas some of us have moved forward with our lives, he has a bit of a twisted view of everything.
Hastings: Perhaps you could call it, a TWiSTeD view?
Ernesto: Yeah, I don’t know what you mean by that.
Hastings: Sorry, go on with what you were saying.
Ernesto: He claims now that we all had the owners up our asses, and maybe he was right about that, but they were different times. He was a happier soul back then. We liked to get in the bathtub and play hide the nose, if you know what I mean.
Hastings: Wow, this is going south in a hurry.
Ernesto: In fact, we had two beds in our room for when the camera was rolling, but let me tell you, when that camera was turned off? We would just go and-
Donovan presses a button on his desk, and the screen goes blank.
Hastings: And I think we see where that was headed. Moving on.
Donovan clears his throat.
Hastings: Travis Roberts likes to refer to himself as the TWiSTeD High Commander, having come to Global Impact Wrestling to usher in a NeW eRa and preserve the legacy of TWiSTeD, but has he done that? Cain?
Cain reads the card in his hand.
Dolan: Do unto others what you will, but always watch your back. Don’t cry over spilt blood. There are no such things as heroes, all heroes are villains, all villains are heroes, it’s just a matter of perspective. The Truth is always perverted by whoever reads it. Faith is belief based on hope, Trust is belief based on action. There are those that make things happen, those that watch things happen and those who don't know what's happening. In seeking wisdom thou art wise; in imagining that thou hast attained it, thou art a fool. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something. None but ourselves can free our minds. It is not about the destination, the reward is in the journey.
Cain puts the card down.
Hastings: Travis Roberts has lost his way. He thinks he is smarter than everyone else that he meets, that he rates somewhere above the rest of us, and in this by his own rules he has become a fool, a fool that talks because he has to say something. When was the last time Travis Roberts told us something that we hadn’t already heard a dozen times? When was the last time that Travis truly watched his own back? He’s been betrayed by everybody that he allowed to get close to him, and he didn’t see any of them coming. I read these principles, and what I realize is that they are more in alignment with my own actions than of those of the so called “TWiSTeD High Commander.” The Lord of Pain does not cry over spilt blood. He is a man that makes things happen, that speaks only when he has something to say. He is a speaker of Truth, a bringer of Faith, a creator of Trust. In fact, perhaps you could call me the TWiSTeD Lord.
Owen Peterson steps into view with the megaphone.
Peterson: Presenting the Immortal TWiSTeD Lord-Chief Nigga of Pain!
Owen steps back out of view.
Hastings: Right, and now for something completely different.
Donovan gets up and walks to another part of the set, and the camera follows him as he passes a large Jeopardy board. Donovan stands behind a podium. Three others stand a few feet away.
Hastings: Good evening, and welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy. I, of course, am your host, Lord-Chief Trebek, and I before we continue I’d like to remind our contestants that there are proper bathroom facilities in the studio. Let’s meet our players. First up, is Old Lady Levene.
Calypso is rummaging behind her podium.
Calypso: Wait, I’m not ready.
Hastings: Let’s take another moment to remind our contestants to please refrain from using ethnic slurs. Now then, our first contestant, Old Lady Levene.
Calypso has pulled a tattered old paper bag over her head. There are eyeholes cut out.
OLL: What a fine young man you are. Thanks so much for having me.
Hastings: I wouldn’t have you if you paid me the gross national product of the United States. Next, we have the incumbent Global Heavyweight Champion, Travis Roberts.
Behind the second podium is Owen Peterson wearing his Travis Roberts mask.
T-Rob: I thought you said you fixed this mask, it’s still kind of tight.
Hastings: Dammit, Niglet, stay in character!
T-Rob: Right, sorry.
“Travis” leans towards the pen sticking out of the podium.
T-Rob: The Blessed One questions the title of this little endeavor, as he is in no danger at all.
Hastings: That’s a pen, not a microphone. And our third and final contestant…um….who are you, again?
Randrew: I AM RANDREW!
Randrew is behind the third podium.
Hastings: I’m pretty sure you’re not who we had lined up for that third spot. We told Jason Reeves to be here wearing his bitch tits.
Randrew: ’Ello, guvna!
Hastings: Oh, whatever.
Randew: Are you just going to stand there doing the yap yap, or can we spin the wheel?
Hastings: Spin the wheel?
Randew: Spin the wheel, make a deal, I’d like a vowel, hip hip cheerio!
Hastings: This isn’t Wheel of Fucking Fortune, you nimrod. It’s Celebrity Jeopardy. Now pick up your buzzers and let’s look at the categories.
The camera zooms in on the Jeopardy board as Donovan reads each category.
Hastings: Potent Potables…States That End In “Hampshire”…Famous Niglets…Yellow Peril…Japan-US Relations…and finally, Automatic Points, and if you pick that, you get automatic points. Might be a good idea.
Donovan shuffles through his cards.
Hastings: Old Lady Levene, I think you dated Jesus in high school, so let’s start with you.
OLL: Potent Potables? I’m sorry my boy, I don’t know what that is.
Hastings: It’s about alcohol.
OLL: In that case, I’ll take Potent Potables.
Hastings: Okay…for how much?
OLL: How about a glass full?
Hastings: I’d rather not see where that leads. Travis, let’s just go with you.
“Travis” leans into the pen.
T-Rob: Where are we going?
Hastings: Nowhere. Pick a category.
T-Rob: Oh. I’ll take, uh, 600.
Hastings: In what category?
T-Rob: The video daily double.
Hastings: I had such high hopes for you. Let’s just go with States Ending in “Hampshire” for 200.
The board shows the question.
Hastings: The state that Lord Hastings was born in, this is the only state ending in “Hampshire.”
BAHLEEP!
Hastings: Travis Roberts.
T-Rob: South Hampshire.
Hastings: No.
T-Rob: Oh, I’m sorry. What is South Hampshire.
Hastings: No, no.
BAHLEEP!
Hastings: Randrew.
Randrew: Hampshire, England.
Hastings: No, no. That’s not in the United States.
Randrew: Oh, sorry guvna. Boy, did I drop a clanger! Keep your pecker up, now.
Hastings: Right. Old Bag, how about you pick a category?
OLL: I’d like to have the Yellow Peril please.
Hastings: For how much?
OLL: All night long, preferably.
Hastings: What does that mean?
OLL: Who is Jackie Chan?
Hastings: Travis Roberts, would YOU please pick a category…and you have your hand stuck in a pickle jar.
“Travis” is struggling to pull a pickle out of a jar, but his closed fist can’t get back out through the hole.
T-Rob: Uh, it’s on the Headliner’s hand.
Hastings: Where did you get that pickle jar?
T-Rob: The Blessed One wanted a pickle.
Hastings: Travis…let go of it.
“Travis” lets go of the jar, leaving his hand still trapped inside.
Hastings: No, not the jar. Let go of the pickle.
T-Rob: But the Headliner wants a pickle.
Hastings: We can’t keep playing if you don’t let go of the pickle.
OLL: That’s what Jackie Chan will be saying to me later tonight.
Hastings: That’s terrible. Randrew, you have the board.
Randrew: I am bored. You’re all going on about this quite silly stuff, and I am bored. Do people actually watch this show on their teles? No.
Hastings: It’s actually quite popular…and Travis Roberts is caught in a dry cleaning bag.
“Travis” is struggling to break free of a translucent dry cleaning bag.
Hastings: Could someone help him? No? No one can help Travis Roberts? What’s going on here? Let’s just move on.
OLL: But we haven’t yet gotten to talk about Jap Anus Relations.
Hastings: What?
OLL: I’d like that category, please. I’m certain I can run away with it.
Hastings: That says Japan-US Relations. It’s about diplomacy.
OLL: It’s taking a lot of diplomacy to get Jackie Chan in the sack, but it’ll all come out okay in the end, if you know what I meant.
Randrew: Right, a little bit of how’s your father, right?
Hastings: Fucking hell.
BAHLEEP!
Hastings: Boss Penguin.
Boss Penguin is standing behind his own podium.
Hastings: Hold on, where did you come from?
Boss P: I BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME.
Hastings: No, you haven’t.
Boss P: DON’T BE TELLIN ME WHERE I BEEN, NIGLET! NOW, I’LL TAKE FAMOUS NIGLETS FOR 1200.
Hastings: I was about to skip ahead to Final Jeopardy.
BAHLEEP!
Boss P: WHO IS DAT MALCOMS X?
Hastings: I didn’t even give the answer.
Randrew: This fellow is a bit of a tosser, isn’t he/
Hastings: Alright, I’ve had about enough of you.
Donovan motions with his head, and Cain Dolan walks up behind Randrew.
Randrew: COR BLIMEY!
Cain grabs Randrew by the head and slams it off the podium, and he collapses to the ground.
BAHLEEP!
Boss P: WHO BE BARACK OBAMANAMA?
Hastings: Good Hastings. We’re moving on now to Final Jeopardy. The category is Horizons. The answer is….this is the person who will be the last man standing at Horizons. Good luck.
The Jeopardy theme plays.
Hastings: Right, let’s see what rare gems our contestants may have mined today.
Donovan walks up to “Old Lady Levene.”
Hastings: Madame Pruning Pensioner, let’s see what you wrote…you appear to have drawn a sun rising over the ocean.
OLL: For Japan is the land of the rising sun. A horizon, if you will.
Hastings: Fantastic. And your wager…
Her monitor reveals that beneath the picture is written “I wager I can get Jackie’s eyes to roll back in his head.”
Hastings: I refuse to read that aloud. Let’s move on to…Boss Penguin’s podium is gone.
Indeed, it is.
T-Rob: He was never here.
Hastings: I’m pretty sure he was, but that’s okay. Randrew appears to have broken his podium, so that leaves only you, Travis Roberts.
T-Rob: You know, this mask isn’t any easier to breath in. I thought you were going to fix that?
Hastings: STICK TO THE SCRIPT, NIGLET!
T-Rob: Sorry.
Hastings: Now, let’s see what you wrote.
The monitor shows “Me.”
Hastings: You wrote…“Me”…and that is correct! Because at Horizons, when we face off, the winner will in fact be…me!
T-Rob: Except that the Blessed One is the one that wrote that word, therefore it refers to none other than the Headliner himself.
Hastings: Ah ha, except Travis Roberts is an illiterate buffoon who has yet to master the personal pronoun, therefore it is simply not possible for you to write the word me in reference to yourself. TAKE THAT!
With the final words, Donovan points quickly and dramatically right at “Roberts” catching him by surprise, and after a gasp he quickly begins flailing his arms.
T-Rob: Can’t…breathe…again…
Peterson collapses behind the podium.
Hastings: Let’s see what you wagered…you’ve wagered the Unified Global Heavyweight Championship! Which is true, you have indeed put that title up against me, thinking that you can defeat me at Horizons, and that wager will cost you dearly. Which brings me to my next point.
Donovan walks off the Jeopardy set, and the camera follows him. He stops in front of a dark background, and looks right at the camera.
Hastings: It’s over, Travis. You’ve lost your way. This is your fate. Good to the last drop. Doesn’t get any better than this. This is your fate, and it’s coming for you one minute at a time. This isn’t a seminar, and it isn’t a weekend retreat. Only after disaster can you be resurrected. It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’ll be free to do anything. Everything is static. Everything is appalling. Everything is falling apart. You have to give up. You have to accept that one day, this will all be over. Evolve, and let the chips fall where they may. This is your fate.
Calypso Desmona walks up to Donovan and leans into him, wrapping her arm around him and looking at the camera. Cain Dolan walks into view, standing on the other side of Travis, his arms folded as he looks at the camera. Owen Peterson walks in as he pulls off the mask, gasping for a moment, and he takes one knee in front of Donovan and looks at the camera.
Hastings: We’re coming for you. You’ve lost all of your friends and allies, they’ve left you, or you’ve outright pushed them away yourself. I have all of mine. But you don’t have to worry about Owen Peterson, as Glenn Burke will be the referee.
Owen stands and leaves the shot.
Hastings: And you don’t have to worry about Cain Dolan, as the Masked Devil slips back into the shadows for one night.
Cain leaves the shot.
Hastings: And you needn’t worry about the Mistress of Pain, as I’ve asked Calypso to sit this one out.
Calypso kisses Donovan on the cheek and walks out of the shot. Donovan walks towards the camera.
Hastings: It’s just me, Travis. You and me. There will be no excuses. Nothing that you can blame for your coming failure. You’re in tip-top shape. I’ve seen to that. When you lose, and you will lose at Horizons, you’ll be left with no choice but to look yourself in the mirror and face what you’ve become, what you’ve lost, and while you face the fate that has befallen you, I will stand in this ring having finally answered destiny’s call, with the Unified Global Heavyweight Championship around my waist.
Donovan smiles.
Hastings: It is inevitable…
Peterson: Yo yo yo, listen up niglets. Intoducin’ da Lord Chief Nigga! From da ghetto’s of Hartford Connecticut! Da Lord o’ Pain, Donovaaaaaaaaan Haaaaaaaaastings!!!
Applause is piped in as Donovan walks onto the set waving, and he takes a seat behind the desk as a moment later Cain Dolan comes in and takes a seat on the couch.
Hastings: Thank you, thank you. I am indeed the Immortal Lord-Chief Nigga of Pain, and you all know my co-host tonight, the Masked Devil, Cain Dolan.
Dolan: Good to be here, my friend.
Peterson: Why didn’t I get to co-host?
Hastings: You had to introduce us. Now go get ready for your later bit.
Owen shakes his head and walks off camera.
Hastings: Now, welcome to this very special broadcast…Travis Roberts: THIS IS YOUR LIFE!
Music begins to play.
Hastings: Wow, that was terrible.
Dolan: AH-CHOOOOOOOO!!!!
The force of Cain’s sneeze blows all of Donovan’s papers and cards off the desk. Donovan glares at him.
Hastings: Great job, Boliver. Well fucking played.
Dolan: Sorry.
Owen shouts from off camera.
Peterson: See? I wouldn’t have done that.
Hastings: It’s okay, il Cartographer here is going to clean it all up, right?
Dolan: Yeah, yeah…
Cain starts picking up the cards and putting them back on the desk. Donovan reaches for them, but hesitates.
Hastings: I’m not touching these after you gooked on them.
Dolan: Uh, you want me to hold them for you?
Hastings: No, I don’t remember what order they go in either. Did you find the one you need later?
Dolan: Yeah.
Hastings: Then just sit over there and I’ll wing this. It’s not like we spent the last few weeks carefully planning it or anything.
Donovan glares at Cain as he takes a seat back on the couch.
Hastings: Right, so, once upon a time Travis Roberts was married to Mary-Joanna Roberts, a relationship which, like many that Travis has had, ended badly. There is much controversy as to what exactly went wrong, but here tonight we present, for the first time, video documentation of exactly what the problem was.
The monitor springs to life, showing Donovan wearing a Travis mask under the sheets of a bed with Calypso. A piece of paper mounted on the headboard reads “Mary-Joanna” with an arrow pointing to Calypso. “Travis” is furiously humping away at “Mary-Joanna” as she yawns.
Calypso: Are you in yet, darling?
The monitor switches off.
Dolan: Now, that’s embarrassing! How did you get that footage?
Hastings: Carefully. Now, that wasn’t the only relationship in the life of Travis Roberts that ended badly. He also had a lengthy man-crush on Declan Prescott, that ended when Prescott decided he didn’t want to wash dishes and became a street bum, forming an alliance with Andy Savana that defied all logic.
Dolan: That was about not wanting to wash dishes?
Hastings: I don’t know, you sneezed on my cards. I’m pretty sure I made that claim in the past, so it might be true or at some point was accepted as true. That’s how these things go.
Dolan: Right, of course. You are correct, sir.
Hastings: Now, at times, the life of Travis Roberts has been plagued by either Danny DiVito in a penguin suit, or an old lady that smells like prunes, but he dealt with the latter by means of an assassination plot.
Dolan: An assassination plot? You’re talking about Tate? I read that was an accident.
Hastings: Yeah, okay, he was walking around in Texas with a gun and thought it might not be loaded. He was in TEXAS. Of course it was loaded.
Dolan: Quite right, quite right. The truth is always perverted by the person that reads it, after all.
Hastings: Don’t be skipping ahead. Now, who did I miss?
Dolan: You haven’t touched on Craig Futile yet.
Hastings: Who in blazes was that?
Dolan: You don’t remember?
Hastings: I would have, but you sneezed on the cards. You know, I would have almost preferred that you shit on the coats.
Dolan: Shit on the coats?
Hastings: On them or around them, yeah.
Dolan: Why?
Hastings: Because I’d be able to read the cards and do this segment like we had planned to begin with.
Dolan: But there would be shit on the coats.
Hastings: Yeah, and you and Owen would clean it up. Let’s talk about eD cASe.
Dolan: Wait, he overlapped with Craig Futile.
Hastings: What’s your point?
Dolan: How can you remember one and not the other?
Hastings: Because eD cASe was freaking creepy, but today we’re going to get some insight into that, as joining us now, live via satellite, please welcome Ernesto to our broadcast!
Ernesto appears on the monitor.
Hastings: Hello there.
Ernesto: Thank you for having me.
Hastings: I understand that you have a bit of history with eD cASe, a past associate of Travis Roberts. Can you shed a little light on that?
Ernesto: Yes, I can. We spent a lot of time together back during our days on The Street, but whereas some of us have moved forward with our lives, he has a bit of a twisted view of everything.
Hastings: Perhaps you could call it, a TWiSTeD view?
Ernesto: Yeah, I don’t know what you mean by that.
Hastings: Sorry, go on with what you were saying.
Ernesto: He claims now that we all had the owners up our asses, and maybe he was right about that, but they were different times. He was a happier soul back then. We liked to get in the bathtub and play hide the nose, if you know what I mean.
Hastings: Wow, this is going south in a hurry.
Ernesto: In fact, we had two beds in our room for when the camera was rolling, but let me tell you, when that camera was turned off? We would just go and-
Donovan presses a button on his desk, and the screen goes blank.
Hastings: And I think we see where that was headed. Moving on.
Donovan clears his throat.
Hastings: Travis Roberts likes to refer to himself as the TWiSTeD High Commander, having come to Global Impact Wrestling to usher in a NeW eRa and preserve the legacy of TWiSTeD, but has he done that? Cain?
Cain reads the card in his hand.
Dolan: Do unto others what you will, but always watch your back. Don’t cry over spilt blood. There are no such things as heroes, all heroes are villains, all villains are heroes, it’s just a matter of perspective. The Truth is always perverted by whoever reads it. Faith is belief based on hope, Trust is belief based on action. There are those that make things happen, those that watch things happen and those who don't know what's happening. In seeking wisdom thou art wise; in imagining that thou hast attained it, thou art a fool. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something. None but ourselves can free our minds. It is not about the destination, the reward is in the journey.
Cain puts the card down.
Hastings: Travis Roberts has lost his way. He thinks he is smarter than everyone else that he meets, that he rates somewhere above the rest of us, and in this by his own rules he has become a fool, a fool that talks because he has to say something. When was the last time Travis Roberts told us something that we hadn’t already heard a dozen times? When was the last time that Travis truly watched his own back? He’s been betrayed by everybody that he allowed to get close to him, and he didn’t see any of them coming. I read these principles, and what I realize is that they are more in alignment with my own actions than of those of the so called “TWiSTeD High Commander.” The Lord of Pain does not cry over spilt blood. He is a man that makes things happen, that speaks only when he has something to say. He is a speaker of Truth, a bringer of Faith, a creator of Trust. In fact, perhaps you could call me the TWiSTeD Lord.
Owen Peterson steps into view with the megaphone.
Peterson: Presenting the Immortal TWiSTeD Lord-Chief Nigga of Pain!
Owen steps back out of view.
Hastings: Right, and now for something completely different.
Donovan gets up and walks to another part of the set, and the camera follows him as he passes a large Jeopardy board. Donovan stands behind a podium. Three others stand a few feet away.
Hastings: Good evening, and welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy. I, of course, am your host, Lord-Chief Trebek, and I before we continue I’d like to remind our contestants that there are proper bathroom facilities in the studio. Let’s meet our players. First up, is Old Lady Levene.
Calypso is rummaging behind her podium.
Calypso: Wait, I’m not ready.
Hastings: Let’s take another moment to remind our contestants to please refrain from using ethnic slurs. Now then, our first contestant, Old Lady Levene.
Calypso has pulled a tattered old paper bag over her head. There are eyeholes cut out.
OLL: What a fine young man you are. Thanks so much for having me.
Hastings: I wouldn’t have you if you paid me the gross national product of the United States. Next, we have the incumbent Global Heavyweight Champion, Travis Roberts.
Behind the second podium is Owen Peterson wearing his Travis Roberts mask.
T-Rob: I thought you said you fixed this mask, it’s still kind of tight.
Hastings: Dammit, Niglet, stay in character!
T-Rob: Right, sorry.
“Travis” leans towards the pen sticking out of the podium.
T-Rob: The Blessed One questions the title of this little endeavor, as he is in no danger at all.
Hastings: That’s a pen, not a microphone. And our third and final contestant…um….who are you, again?
Randrew: I AM RANDREW!
Randrew is behind the third podium.
Hastings: I’m pretty sure you’re not who we had lined up for that third spot. We told Jason Reeves to be here wearing his bitch tits.
Randrew: ’Ello, guvna!
Hastings: Oh, whatever.
Randew: Are you just going to stand there doing the yap yap, or can we spin the wheel?
Hastings: Spin the wheel?
Randew: Spin the wheel, make a deal, I’d like a vowel, hip hip cheerio!
Hastings: This isn’t Wheel of Fucking Fortune, you nimrod. It’s Celebrity Jeopardy. Now pick up your buzzers and let’s look at the categories.
The camera zooms in on the Jeopardy board as Donovan reads each category.
Hastings: Potent Potables…States That End In “Hampshire”…Famous Niglets…Yellow Peril…Japan-US Relations…and finally, Automatic Points, and if you pick that, you get automatic points. Might be a good idea.
Donovan shuffles through his cards.
Hastings: Old Lady Levene, I think you dated Jesus in high school, so let’s start with you.
OLL: Potent Potables? I’m sorry my boy, I don’t know what that is.
Hastings: It’s about alcohol.
OLL: In that case, I’ll take Potent Potables.
Hastings: Okay…for how much?
OLL: How about a glass full?
Hastings: I’d rather not see where that leads. Travis, let’s just go with you.
“Travis” leans into the pen.
T-Rob: Where are we going?
Hastings: Nowhere. Pick a category.
T-Rob: Oh. I’ll take, uh, 600.
Hastings: In what category?
T-Rob: The video daily double.
Hastings: I had such high hopes for you. Let’s just go with States Ending in “Hampshire” for 200.
The board shows the question.
Hastings: The state that Lord Hastings was born in, this is the only state ending in “Hampshire.”
BAHLEEP!
Hastings: Travis Roberts.
T-Rob: South Hampshire.
Hastings: No.
T-Rob: Oh, I’m sorry. What is South Hampshire.
Hastings: No, no.
BAHLEEP!
Hastings: Randrew.
Randrew: Hampshire, England.
Hastings: No, no. That’s not in the United States.
Randrew: Oh, sorry guvna. Boy, did I drop a clanger! Keep your pecker up, now.
Hastings: Right. Old Bag, how about you pick a category?
OLL: I’d like to have the Yellow Peril please.
Hastings: For how much?
OLL: All night long, preferably.
Hastings: What does that mean?
OLL: Who is Jackie Chan?
Hastings: Travis Roberts, would YOU please pick a category…and you have your hand stuck in a pickle jar.
“Travis” is struggling to pull a pickle out of a jar, but his closed fist can’t get back out through the hole.
T-Rob: Uh, it’s on the Headliner’s hand.
Hastings: Where did you get that pickle jar?
T-Rob: The Blessed One wanted a pickle.
Hastings: Travis…let go of it.
“Travis” lets go of the jar, leaving his hand still trapped inside.
Hastings: No, not the jar. Let go of the pickle.
T-Rob: But the Headliner wants a pickle.
Hastings: We can’t keep playing if you don’t let go of the pickle.
OLL: That’s what Jackie Chan will be saying to me later tonight.
Hastings: That’s terrible. Randrew, you have the board.
Randrew: I am bored. You’re all going on about this quite silly stuff, and I am bored. Do people actually watch this show on their teles? No.
Hastings: It’s actually quite popular…and Travis Roberts is caught in a dry cleaning bag.
“Travis” is struggling to break free of a translucent dry cleaning bag.
Hastings: Could someone help him? No? No one can help Travis Roberts? What’s going on here? Let’s just move on.
OLL: But we haven’t yet gotten to talk about Jap Anus Relations.
Hastings: What?
OLL: I’d like that category, please. I’m certain I can run away with it.
Hastings: That says Japan-US Relations. It’s about diplomacy.
OLL: It’s taking a lot of diplomacy to get Jackie Chan in the sack, but it’ll all come out okay in the end, if you know what I meant.
Randrew: Right, a little bit of how’s your father, right?
Hastings: Fucking hell.
BAHLEEP!
Hastings: Boss Penguin.
Boss Penguin is standing behind his own podium.
Hastings: Hold on, where did you come from?
Boss P: I BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME.
Hastings: No, you haven’t.
Boss P: DON’T BE TELLIN ME WHERE I BEEN, NIGLET! NOW, I’LL TAKE FAMOUS NIGLETS FOR 1200.
Hastings: I was about to skip ahead to Final Jeopardy.
BAHLEEP!
Boss P: WHO IS DAT MALCOMS X?
Hastings: I didn’t even give the answer.
Randrew: This fellow is a bit of a tosser, isn’t he/
Hastings: Alright, I’ve had about enough of you.
Donovan motions with his head, and Cain Dolan walks up behind Randrew.
Randrew: COR BLIMEY!
Cain grabs Randrew by the head and slams it off the podium, and he collapses to the ground.
BAHLEEP!
Boss P: WHO BE BARACK OBAMANAMA?
Hastings: Good Hastings. We’re moving on now to Final Jeopardy. The category is Horizons. The answer is….this is the person who will be the last man standing at Horizons. Good luck.
The Jeopardy theme plays.
Hastings: Right, let’s see what rare gems our contestants may have mined today.
Donovan walks up to “Old Lady Levene.”
Hastings: Madame Pruning Pensioner, let’s see what you wrote…you appear to have drawn a sun rising over the ocean.
OLL: For Japan is the land of the rising sun. A horizon, if you will.
Hastings: Fantastic. And your wager…
Her monitor reveals that beneath the picture is written “I wager I can get Jackie’s eyes to roll back in his head.”
Hastings: I refuse to read that aloud. Let’s move on to…Boss Penguin’s podium is gone.
Indeed, it is.
T-Rob: He was never here.
Hastings: I’m pretty sure he was, but that’s okay. Randrew appears to have broken his podium, so that leaves only you, Travis Roberts.
T-Rob: You know, this mask isn’t any easier to breath in. I thought you were going to fix that?
Hastings: STICK TO THE SCRIPT, NIGLET!
T-Rob: Sorry.
Hastings: Now, let’s see what you wrote.
The monitor shows “Me.”
Hastings: You wrote…“Me”…and that is correct! Because at Horizons, when we face off, the winner will in fact be…me!
T-Rob: Except that the Blessed One is the one that wrote that word, therefore it refers to none other than the Headliner himself.
Hastings: Ah ha, except Travis Roberts is an illiterate buffoon who has yet to master the personal pronoun, therefore it is simply not possible for you to write the word me in reference to yourself. TAKE THAT!
With the final words, Donovan points quickly and dramatically right at “Roberts” catching him by surprise, and after a gasp he quickly begins flailing his arms.
T-Rob: Can’t…breathe…again…
Peterson collapses behind the podium.
Hastings: Let’s see what you wagered…you’ve wagered the Unified Global Heavyweight Championship! Which is true, you have indeed put that title up against me, thinking that you can defeat me at Horizons, and that wager will cost you dearly. Which brings me to my next point.
Donovan walks off the Jeopardy set, and the camera follows him. He stops in front of a dark background, and looks right at the camera.
Hastings: It’s over, Travis. You’ve lost your way. This is your fate. Good to the last drop. Doesn’t get any better than this. This is your fate, and it’s coming for you one minute at a time. This isn’t a seminar, and it isn’t a weekend retreat. Only after disaster can you be resurrected. It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’ll be free to do anything. Everything is static. Everything is appalling. Everything is falling apart. You have to give up. You have to accept that one day, this will all be over. Evolve, and let the chips fall where they may. This is your fate.
Calypso Desmona walks up to Donovan and leans into him, wrapping her arm around him and looking at the camera. Cain Dolan walks into view, standing on the other side of Travis, his arms folded as he looks at the camera. Owen Peterson walks in as he pulls off the mask, gasping for a moment, and he takes one knee in front of Donovan and looks at the camera.
Hastings: We’re coming for you. You’ve lost all of your friends and allies, they’ve left you, or you’ve outright pushed them away yourself. I have all of mine. But you don’t have to worry about Owen Peterson, as Glenn Burke will be the referee.
Owen stands and leaves the shot.
Hastings: And you don’t have to worry about Cain Dolan, as the Masked Devil slips back into the shadows for one night.
Cain leaves the shot.
Hastings: And you needn’t worry about the Mistress of Pain, as I’ve asked Calypso to sit this one out.
Calypso kisses Donovan on the cheek and walks out of the shot. Donovan walks towards the camera.
Hastings: It’s just me, Travis. You and me. There will be no excuses. Nothing that you can blame for your coming failure. You’re in tip-top shape. I’ve seen to that. When you lose, and you will lose at Horizons, you’ll be left with no choice but to look yourself in the mirror and face what you’ve become, what you’ve lost, and while you face the fate that has befallen you, I will stand in this ring having finally answered destiny’s call, with the Unified Global Heavyweight Championship around my waist.
Donovan smiles.
Hastings: It is inevitable…
x2
