Rising from the ashes of Icarus's folly on the wings of a f-

[cooltubesource]

~~Presenting the PrincessTwilightSexyFang podcast, as viewed on the new totes badass #CoolTube app~~

Stop what you’re doing!

Stop what you’re chewing!

And get all board the Fang Gang train as I get all UP in everyone’s taint!

Oh, oh, real quick, as a warning to my younger Fang Gangers out there:

There WILL be swearing. Go watch a cute cat video for a few minutes, okay, Angelica?

So, I know that SOME of you UGWC fans out there are all:

“Dude, isn’t that the unbelievably hawt albino chick who sits next to the equally hawt ebony chick in the front row of most UGWC shows?”

Why yes, yes it is. But MORE important than being #THEBEST (thanks, Jake Archer! 💋💋💋) audience member and fan, I am ALSO #THEBEST (💋💋💋) UGWC Cross-Hemisphere Champion of all time! And it was only through tragedy that I had to step away (though not literally...because...yeah…the legs...) from my career, but guess what?

This is return...by God, the RETURN...of the Princess of Pain, the Blood Princess, the Red Queen, the Firestarter (my personal fave!), the Firebird, the Match, the Bloodletter, the red and black, the revolution, the Light Incarnate, She Who Glitters, #BottomBitch, #MovieStar, Eden’s favorite niece, the Matron of Pigeons…

Sarah Selena Grey-Goddamn-Lacklan

And I have a few things to say.

Now, first of all, let me let EVERYONE know just how goddamn PISSED I am for what happened to me. There is no reason to get into the deets (as I am sure SOMEONE will do so this week 😒), but lets just say that my...lets go with ‘accident’...left me in a chair. And I spent two and a half GODDAMN MONTHS in that damned wheelchair (OF DOOM~!) and I had to watch as Lucy Wylde and Magdalana Lockheart fought over MY GODDAMN CROSS-HEMISPHERE CHAMPIONSHIP!!!

Do you know what that is like? Do you have ANY IDEA what it is like to see the person YOU FUCKING BEAT fight with her FUCKING GIRLFRIEND over YOUR FUCKING TITLE while you sat in a wheelchair (OF DOOM~!) and are unable to do anything but submit a fucking satellite video feed?! It was one of the WORST experiences of my life! And THEN to watch while Lucy took my title and IMMEDIATELY handed it off to someone else so that she could go after the world title was heartbreaking. Good Lord, it was just as hard to watch that match and what happened after as it was to THEN watch Maggie kinda-sorta join the roster and do that yo-yo of AWESOME and then SHITTY AS FUCK promotional videos the next couple of months that she is known for in every company she has ever worked for.

Now, I had ALWAYS intended on making my way back into the ring, though my Beloved has spent the last six months telling me to slow down. I fully appreciate Mackenzie’s caution, as I know that she has both my body and our future together at heart, but there is little more in this world I prize than coming back for this match. See, over a year ago, at the closure of FSociety Wrestling, I went on a world tour in order to get as much exposure to different styles and philosophies as I could, which meant becoming a freelancer and also signing up for things like tournaments and one-shots, and the very FIRST tournament I signed up for was the WrestleStock Cup. But before I debuted in the tournament that I WON by PINNING a certain MAGDALENA LOCKHEART, I figured, "Dude! Lets jump into this Massive Melee shin-dig." And so, I did indeed jump into that match, my first EVER battle royal, and I ended up in the Final Four. Not bad for a rookie with only a handful of months of being a pro to her name at the time. And I was only eliminated by our current Creative Director because he thought I was totes someone else. But that’s okay, because he has totes made up for it by giving me all of those peeled grapes at UGWC shows this year.

Oh, and bee-tee-dub, Hastings: Mackenzie is STILL pissed about that, so be careful during those Chill shows, mkay?

N-E-Ways, while I have always planned on making that comeback, there are some EXCEEDINGLY shitty things going on in my GODDAMN HOME FED that made me slam down my foot on the gas pedal so hard that it makes even bottoming out Mackenzie, like I do every night, look like a light tap. Things like MY GODDAMN CROSS-HEMISPHERE CHAMPIONSHIP being defended by my buddy T-Pie (which is cool!) in a Hell in the Cell (also cool!) against Dave Mediocrity Rydell (totes NOT cool!). I have seen rejects from the Anime Convention League like Mizore, Blackwell, and freakin’ ANNIE have air time. I have seen 100-year-old men like Necronium the Long-Winded and Captain 60’s make money at the Loser’s Window when they should have not only been shown the door but shoved to the damned PASTURE.

I have seen the company that I came to love turn into a joke the likes of Boardwalk getting it on with DARC while Karnage (with a K; don’t get your feels hurt!) records the shitty action on its phone.

So here I am, back WAY earlier than ANY doctor would tell you is possible. The why is pretty clear: Because I intend on righting this ship of the Coalition that has gone awry. Because I am so motivated to show the world what TRUE badassary is. Because I WILL set the world on fire.

That’s the why, Fang Gangers. As for the how?

Hold on tight.

~~February 1st~~

Sarah sits at her desk, her body drenched with sweat, her platinum hair clinging to her bare back. She heaves in deep breaths in between large drafts of a water bottle, taking care not to get too dizzy and pass out. She was exhausted and most of her body ached. She sets the bottle of water to the side and pulls the keyboard of the Team Kickass computer closer to her. But before she begins to type, she reaches up into her eyes and pulls the lenses out, groaning as the thick plastic comes out, making her red irises even brighter than before. She tosses the lenses away carelessly, puts her thick-rimmed glasses on, adjusts them with her forefinger, and lets her thin fingers do their work.

My Dark Goddess,

So that you and I are clear, I apologize profusely if you feel, in any way shape or form, that I do not appreciate how you clung to my side when I was hurt. Those few lucid moments I had in the beginning were filled with you there, or with the scent of you in my nose, and I swear to God Himself that it was YOU who brought me back. I will NEVER forget that. Mackenzie Michaela Grey-Lacklan, I love you more than I could ever express, and I will follow you into the dark.

She pulls her hands back and grimaces at them. They shook, making a light tapping sound on top of the keys. She hated typing a letter, but hand-writing anything more than her small notes carried by pigeon turned into a sloppy mess. She had hopes and dreams, and a plan that Kenzi mostly ignored, even though she had presented a slide show, detailed notes, and even a sound track, but for the time being, she had to accept her limitations.

You inspire me. All thoughts of ever getting back in the ring were dashed from the moment the doctor told us about the nerve damage in my legs in November, and the depression I have felt over that has been crushing, but you inspire me. I WILL get back in that ring again. For you…for us. I WILL fight again. Team Kickass WILL ride again.

She thinks back to the several weeks where she met with her psychiatrist, Dr. Reznik, and all the pain therin. The time after the accident was full of confusion. Her friends had been distant a first, as they were all unsure of how to handle Sarah’s condition, and it had hurt her. It took many sessions for her to admit the shame she felt over causing so many problems, and even more for her to admit that she felt guilty for being such a burden on Kenzi. They had only been married a couple of months before her accident, and it must have been so hard for her wife to change everything she was doing overnight. She only saw Dr. Reznik once every week now, and visited the physical therapist daily, and she knew that she was pushing both herself and Kenzi to their breaking point.

I promise to work hard for you and us. I promise to lift those weights and engage in those stretches for you and us. I WILL get back to 100%. I will stand…walk…run…wrestle. It WILL happen.

Part of the frustration was, of course, that Sarah had gone into Baby Mode suddenly during a charity event Kenzi had organized. She was suddenly seeing babies EVERYWHERE and it was driving Kenzi nuts. Kenzi had stated, quite clearly, that a child in their lives would be nearly impossible in her condition, and that just pushed her even more. She smiled as she decided how to finish the quick letter: Lyrics from their wedding song.

Oh, and baby I'm fist fighting with fire

Just to get close to you

Can we burn something, babe?

And I run for miles just to get a taste

Must be love on the brain

-Your Porcelain Princess

~~March 15th~~

“What do you have left to prove?!”

The screamed question of Kenzi ripped into Sarah, tore into her, pierced her, bludgeoned her, all at once. Again and again, Kenzi had asked that question, in a variety of ways, over the last six weeks. Sarah had been determined to get back into fighting shape, to get her legs moving and kicking, and she was causing problems at home because of it. Kenzi had “retired” from wrestling, though Sarah was pretty sure Kenzi’s heart wasn’t in that decision, and now Sarah was bringing them back into it.

Sarah tried to ignore the question as she pushed herself forward, not quite running, but at least skipping. Her legs shook underneath her, threatening to go out and take her down, but she pressed on, refusing to give in to the weakness. Her muscles ached, muscles that had been so bulging and powerful before, and now clearly wanted to turn to water. But she refused.

“Everything, Beloved.”

She could FEEL Kenzi’s angry eye roll. She could FEEL her long braids flailing around like a cat o’ nine tails as she shook her head. Even with her moving in the other direction, she KNEW how much Kenzi hated this decision of hers. And she also KNEW that Kenzi would not actually try to stop her.

“But why does it have to be secret? Why can’t we tell our friends? You know that everyone would be here trying to help you. We could-”

“This is about US, Beloved.”

She groaned as she reached the end of the wall of the gym and turned, starting her lunging step again towards Kenzi. She tried not to look up at Kenzi, as the feeling of the thick lenses in her eyes hurt at that angle. They were needed, unfortunately, and she knew that. She had always known that her eyes would go quick because of her albinism, and she had secretly worn contact lenses for years, but the last year or so had meant stronger and stronger prescriptions. The lenses were so thick now that she could only wear them for short periods at a time, which meant wearing actual glasses the vast majority of the time. And she HATED that.

“I know that the girls would love to help, especially Angelica, but this is about, and for, us, Mackenzie. If WE cannot do this…”

She didn’t finish as she lunged across the gym, working both the muscles of her legs as well as her stamina. For what she had planned, she was going to need to be able to last a long time. No quick knockouts or chokeouts. This was about the Melee. This was about what she had left to prove.

“Selena, I-”

Kenzi cut off as Sarah’s legs gave way and she collapsed in front of her with a squeal. The ebony starlet was there in an instant, dark hands in strong contrast to porcelain shoulders as she took Sarah by the arms and helped her up. Once back to her feet, the sweaty albino stared into Kenzi’s eyes, odd red into deep brown, and smiled.

“You are my light.”

Kenzi shook her head and gave her one of those smirks that first stole her heart over a year ago.

“You are my pain in the ass.”

One sweaty kiss later and the duo were off to the showers.

~~April 30th~~

Sarah stared down at her body with a critical eye. She had put on her new gear, gear prepared for her surprise entrance into the Massive Melee in a few weeks, a surprise that only she, Mackenzie, and the maniacal Donovan Hastings knew about.

Green and black bodysuit...check! Tight around the arms to show off her far larger biceps and triceps, green instead of her old red so that her eyes would stand out and pop, and extra lace because fashion. 

Heavy gloves...check! She had learned to keep the shake in her hands under control, but they would still shake violently in high-stress situations, and during the Melee, there would be no soft reassurance from Kenzi, or even Angie or Mil, to help settle them. The thick gloves helped.

Reinforced leg braces...check! The last four months had been filled with her working on her legs, working on first getting out of the chair, away from her cane with the beautiful pigeon on top, and moving on her own. She could run again, though she wasn’t going to be doing a marathon any time soon, but the braces were needed if she wanted to compete. They were issued by Samsa Corp, a robotics company whose genius leader happened to be enamored with her wife, and a few winks and vague promises of some kind of double date had helped in their construction. Her legs would not fail her.

Heeled boots...check! Just like her legs, Samsa Corp had provided her with new shoes...but that was mostly because she simply fucking LOVED shoes. Or anything to do with feet, really.

She looked up as Kenzi entered the room in her own red and black gear, her beautiful bride’s abs popping under her top. Sarah was proud of her for working her butt off, right beside Sarah, over the last couple of weeks. Proud for signing with the Coalition's new “Chill” expansion. Proud of her resolve. And relieved that Kenzi didn’t knock her head clean off for not telling her about her possible mother-in-law in that weirdo French chick.

“Playing dress up, babe?”

“Oh, totes.”

She stood up to meet Kenzi’s eyes, not for the first time marveling at how perfectly they were matched for one another, both opposites and the same, and stood at the exact same height. She suddenly giggled at she looked at Kenzi’s nose.

“Remember that time I named all of your freckles?”

Kenzi gave her one of those combo smirks/head shakes that drove her wild.

“Yes, I DO remember when you tackled me...FROM BEHIND...and pinned me down until you could name them all. Weirdo.”

Sarah gave her a shrug and another giggle.

“You ready for your match against Corvin?”

Kenzi shrugged back.

“As I’ll ever be. Boy was stupid for some of the stuff he said, so he’s earned this butt whoopin’.”

“Sweet! I’ll go get changed. Have Pren get my chair, yeah?”

Kenzi gave Sarah a look that stopped her before she could even get a step.

“Baby...why do we have to keep lying to everyone? Why stay in the chair?”

Sarah’s face fell from her giggles to the Ice Queen in a moment, from the 20-year-old fashion designer and vlogger to the woman who set the world on fire the year before.

“I want everyone shocked, Beloved. I want everyone off their game. I want everyone...EVERYONE...to be in awe.”

Kenzi nodded, though her face still clearly showed that she wished Sarah would stop lying.

“Listen...do me a favor? When you make your promotional video for the Melee? Try not to make it too pretentious, okay? Don’t do something like ‘The Rise of the Phoenix’ or something about Icarus, okay?”

Sarah’s pale cheeks turned rosey in embarrassment.

“I would NEVER do something like THAT!”

A minute ago I discussed the “WHY” of me coming back and WINNING the Massive Melee, but the question of “HOW” remains. You see, there are a couple of things to consider, and I will take them all into consideration now. There is my health, the other opponents in the ring, and my fellow #CoolKids and #HitGirls

First things first, the elephant in the room so large and obese that it even makes Kem Dynamo look like a fashion model in the 90’s:

My legs.

I would be making Baby Jesus cry a river the size of Rydell’s losing streak if I said that I was at 100%. I mean, shit, the accident and surgery left me in that fucking chair for AGES. I couldn’t feel ANYTHING. But here’s the dealio, Fang Gangers: Before the accident? Starting from my 14th birthday? I lifted weights. Heavy as FUCK weights. In that gym with my father, clanging and banging 45s. Everyone in this company knows that, six months ago, it seemed like half of my weight was in my sexy-ass thunder thighs and booty of doom, that I had the kind of quads, hams, and glutes that could crush a man's freakin’ SOUL if I squeezed hard enough. The kind of legs and butt that even makes Maxine go “Woah, bitch. Damn.” And its because of THAT strength, THAT work, THAT time in the gym which helped give me the ability to knock people out with kicks and my legit amazeballs Shining Wizard, that I am able to not just walk, not just run, but to fight.

I will NOT make Baby Jesus cry. They are not as strong as they were. There has been some losses, though nowhere NEAR the amount of atrophy that that bimbhoe Roxanne jokes about. So, no, you aren’t going to be seeing me leaping off the top rope, spinning twenty seven times, and then flipping someone into a hurricanrana. But you know what? I have always hated that flippy shit, anyway. Fuck Gonsalves, amIright?!

So no, my legs are not what they used to be. But my arms? FORGET about it, baby! X amount of weeks in the chair meant X amount of workouts spent focusing on my guns! Do you SEE these babies?! I have NEVER seen Mackenzie drool as much as she did when she first noticed my gains, ever! These arms are SO BUFF NOW! And why is that important? Two reasons:

1). The Cop Killa is THAT MUCH more effective now!

And 2). If I get your back...if I get the hooks in...whether I go for the rear naked choke or the chicken wing...there is NO unlocking my grip. Not any more. Never again. Not with these guns.

Believe it or not, while my kicks may not have as much power as they did before, I am even BETTER at finishing a fight than ever before. I am SO ready to choke a bitch out!

Additionally, in regards to that whole “totes gonna win this match” thing, something to consider is just how much SMARTER than I am than all of you.

“ERMAHGERD YER JUST A 20 YEAR OLD GIRL HOW ARE YOU SMRTER?!?!”

Here’s the gig, Cleatus: Yes, I am only 20 years old. But in that 20 years? I have traveled the globe many times over and seen more in those years than even three Dovovans have. On top of that, I spent, like, my entire youth in the lap of luxury and that included #THEBEST (💋💋💋) private tutors that money could buy. So while most people here spent time in shitty public schools, or just straight up in a cardboard box like Magdalena, I was given instruction in science, music, dance, history, and psychology by experts in their fields. Math, too, but lets not talk about those grades 😒.

Now, this DOES mean that I can do things like debate someone into the ground (go back and look at ANY back-and-forth between myself and Tolson), beat someone into verbal submission (go back and look at ANY of my fourteen promotional videos for the Coalition), and break down and belittle someone to the point of tears (more on that in a bit 😉), but it ALSO means that I have strategic skills beyond ANYTHING that ANYONE in this company can compare with. Mind you, the Coalition has, in the last few years, been awash in groups, from the Syndicate to the Engine of Chaos to the Court, but there is one massive factor which ultimately led to their downfall, despite momentary success:

They were not family.

From the very FIRST time I appeared on camera for the Coalition a year ago, I have had my family with me. It began with Mackenzie. And then I talked up the Coalition to my sistren, the women who would become the #CoolKids. I got them excited, I got them invested in our product and the goingson. I got them to consider the Coalition should their other ventures fall away. It began with me conning my Beloved Mackenzie into being my anchor for my Outlast team (which was like pulling teeth! I mean, fuuuuck, baby!). The following year, I pushed and nudged until dear, sweet Angelica came on board. And then I pushed more when the Trios tournament was established, bringing in Roxanne and Milisandre to fight when I could not. And I pressed Mackenzie, who was “retired,” to join Chill.

And now here we are, going into the Massive Melee, with four members of the #CoolKids on the roster.

Here’s the dealio: Sure, there are no friends in the Melee, or any battle royal for that matter, especially when you take into consideration the prize, a shot at the world title at WrestleStock. But I do not have any friends in the Melee. Well, perhaps you could count one or two people I am friendly with, but those don’t count. No, no friends.

But I do have family.

Do you realize what is going to happen in the Melee? Do you realize the DOMINANCE that the #CoolKids are going to show? Because that IS what is going to happen, Fang Gangers. The four of us are going to lock arms and beat the everliving FUCK out of everyone else on the roster. Because that is what family does. And unlike those teams in the past, unlike the Syndicate, Engine, and Court, there will be no breakdown. There will be no separation.

There will only be dominance.

And in the end, a victory. For me.

Now! Before I REALLY get started on this “HOW” bit, allow me a moment to set the stage:

There is something seriously off about the Coalition. Remember how I mentioned that in the beginning? About righting the ship? Here’s the dealio:

You people have forgotten how to talk shit to one another. Oh, a few of you do. Lucy. Maggie, at times. Gabriel. But most of you? Totally forget that the fucking POINT of this business is to BEAT THE FUCK out of each other! So many of you are so busy trying to be buddies, or giving us 15 minute breakdowns of your vacations, that you don’t even MENTION your fucking opponent! What the FUCK is the point of THAT SHIT?! Sorry to keep swearing, but I could swear that some of you guys don’t even remember that you are fucking WRESTLERS!

That ends NOW.

Because I know that at least HALF of you people will dedicate your promotional videos to a dissertation on Gogh’s severed ear or some equally lame shit, I am going to, instead, shoot a goddamn old school WRESTLING PROMO. This means that I am going to speak to people directly, talk shit, belittle them, ignore their strengths, and accentuate their flaws.

“BUT WE’RE GONNA CRY IF YOU BURY US 😭😭😭😭😭”

Quit being a bitch, alright? The crowd DOES NOT CARE about your adventures in other countries. The crowd DOES NOT CARE about how you got froyo and talked to a ghost about how much you suck. The crowd DOES NOT CARE about how both you and your opponent are gonna try your hardest and shake hands afterwards. Now, I’m not saying to get all racist like Roxanne does when talking about dragons (long story!), but FUCK! Make the crowd CARE!

“BUT I WOULD RATHER NOT SAY A WORD ABOUT MY OPPONENT AND STILL WIN PLEASE”

Not here, you’re not. We’re gonna break this shit down, make a few people cry, and all have ourselves a big ol’ belly laugh by the end. And I’m gonna have my tech team bust out some badass coding and gifs in post in order to make this thing look smooth as shit as I systematically destroy the roster. Got it?

Let’s do this thing.

Alan Wallace

A-Wall! Vain! How you doin’, man! Haven’t see you in an AGE, man! Here’s what’s up: Remember how I was talking about that whole “teams” thing before? A BIG part of that is you, man. How many teams or groups have you been a part of that have fallen apart underneath you? Doing that whole “CoolRankings” schtick, I have REALLY gotten to know the roster from over the past few years and it seems that every time you hook up with someone, everything goes GREAT at first and them BLAMO! Down to the bottom of the card. Like, back in the days of Sex and Violence? LOTS of title wins, man! Sweet! And then after that and the Syndicate fell about? Didn’t do jack shit for important matches for, like, a whole damned YEAR. Hell, LAST year, you basically took the entire second half off! 2017 basically saw you fade away while I showed up and changed the very damned landscape of the Coalition.

And 2018 hasn’t been much different. Your teams and alliances have fallen so far down in importance that you are forced to mentor Mathis. Fuckin’ MATHIS. Holy FUCK that must demoralize you! And what good has that mentorship for the last few months brought you?

Losing to the #CoolKids at No Holds Barred.

Same thing is going to happen in the Melee, A-Wall. JEM is going to be there, just kinda stumbling aimlessly, since that is what she’s good at, and you are going to try to prop her up, and then I and my sisters are going to dump you both over.

So goodbye to main-eventing WrestleStock while you wallow in the mediocrity you have cursed yourself to.

Captain 80's

The fuck?

Listen pal, the position of Large Man Who Has a Weird Sexual Attraction and That Speaks in All Caps is already taken by REDD Thunder, mkay? He has been doing it LONG before you sailed into town, and he nailed my wife on top of a tank during WWII, so that means he gets to keep that spot in the crazy world of wrestling. So, if we strip away those attributes, that of a large, oily man who yells constantly and talks about the weirdest shit, all you have left is a dude who has a boat. I think. Do you even have a boat? I do. Because Roxanne conned my wife into getting a massive yacht big enough to land gold helicopter on. Know what that means?

That my real life is crazier than any fantasy you could POSSIBLY come up with.

You lose. Next!

Daniel Corvin

Oh shit. The son of the dude I used to make fun of in Elysium? Fuck me. Any chance you have a boring-ass feud with the son of the dude your dad had a boring-ass feud with? On the one hand, I hope not, because FUCK ME that shit knocked everyone in the crowd OUT. We’re talking, like, even worse than HOLLAND’S shit, ya know? But on the other, I do hope that you have this feud because then you might have an excuse for when I and my sisters toss your sad ass over the rope.

“I only lost to those overwhelmingly hawt chicks because I was tired from my boring promos against another boring dude.”

Heh...now that I think of it...you kinda sound like Rydell. Oh! Oh! Speaking of which:

Dave Rydell

And STILLLLLL!

The BIGGEST piece of GARBAGE in the HISTORY of UGWC!!!!!

DAAAAAAAAVE!!!!!

MEDIOCRITYYYYYYYY!!!!

RYYYYYYYDEEEEEELLLLLLLL!!!!!!

And the crowd...stays...mild.

Tell me, Dave: Are you tired of everyone mocking you every week? Are you tired of your greatest days being so far in the past that it would take me blowing dust off a moldy tome in order to read about them in context? Are you tired of losing week after week after week after week?

I know WE are!

So here’s my pitch to you:

Die.

I mean it. Seriously. Just go die. Jump in front of a bus. Step off a cliff. Get a venereal disease from someone over in Hybrid. Do ANYTHING to remove yourself from this mortal coil. Because it is only when losers like you, who do the SAME SHIT every week, which cause this business to start choking on stagnant air. I mean, sure, Zane does pretty much the same shit every week, but his shit is GOOD! Same thing with Lucy, ya know? GOOD SHIT. Yours? Lame as FUCK shit. And that has equated to, what, 15 wins in the last three YEARS?

“WINS DON’T MATTER STOP BULLYING DAVE”

Fuck that shit. WINNING is what matters. Not this constant spinning of the wheels crap you do. And I don’t mean “people like you,” in this case. I mean you personally.

You are fucking shit, Dave.

“ERMAHGERD YOU’RE GONNA LOOK DUMB WHEN HE WINS”

Dave Rydell will NEVER beat me in ANYTHING he does.

Period.

Sweet Baby Jesus, please let me be the one to throw this has-been turd over the rope.

Make room for the future, half man. Make room for the #CoolKids.

You know what? That bomb I just chucked was so freakin’ huge that it deserves some kinda of gif. I hope that one of the boys tacks on that killer Anna Kendrick one for me.

Donovan Hastings

Listen, I am QUITE aware that you may not be in this match. But I am also QUITE aware that you like to surprise everyone and fuck shit up. Now, don’t get me wrong, I freakin’ LOVE when I’m at a UGWC show and some form of Final Fantasy music plays (that ancient one with the crazy clown FTW!), but I would rather NOT have to gently set you outside the ring. And I would rather NOT “accidently” do it not-so-gently in retaliation for you eliminating me from last years Melee. So please don’t confuse me for some dude you are feuding with again, okay? I don’t show off these tits for nothing!

Eden Morgan

Oh! Oh! Speaking of tits!

MY FAVORITE AUNTIE EDEN!

Lets be honest: There are FEW elders that I respect in this business. I think that idea has been pretty well established, ya know? Like how I came in and did the whole “Gonna give you a hug!” thing to Lucy that turned into red mist and an Abyss, and how I have mercilessly mocked Killian and Dave whenever I can, so on and so forth. It takes a LOT to earn my respect, mostly because I have seen SO MANY wrestlers as I travelled the world with my father, and that whole “ERMAHGERD LEGEND” shit is as tired as the latest poolside promo package. But you? You are an elder that I respect.

That should not come as a shock to anyone. I have publicly stated that I “get” what the Court is trying to do, whether or not I agree with it, and still totes love the mask you guys gave me. It goes with SO MANY of my gowns that you would be SHOCKED! And your shoe collection totes makes me all KINDS of jelly belly. And not to mention your ability to manipulate dumb boys. You are SO GOOD at manipulation dumb boys! It’s CRAZY!

Unfortunately for you, your time is passed. Much like how your admittedly fleshy boobs are starting to sag (trust me, Mackenzie examined them A LOT when you had THAT Ask.fm profile picture 😒), your career is about to fall so far that there won’t be enough botox in the world to keep it relevant. See, you are SO GOOD at what you do that you have become known for it, and even the DUMBEST boys are starting to catch wind of your gig. Every group you have been a part of has fallen into the Abyss, much like Vain above, and while you have always been able to con another dumb boy into doing whatever you want, that juice is just about out. And while you are going to find yourself even lower than you have ever been before, people like me and my girls are passing you buy. Truth be told, the TRUE beginning of this most recent downfall of yours was No Holds Barred. You and Baal won the Co-Op titles by beating a cardboard cut-out of Donovan (RIP, Hasteboard), but then got dropped and ended up on your back when dear, sweet Angelica and Roxanne came knocking. Just IMAGINE what is going to happen now that the heart and soul of the Cool Kids is back in action.

To put it in a somewhat crude way: Your saggy tits are nothing when compared to a fresh dish of perky pigeon breast, and THIS Matron of Pigeons is being served.

Me and the girls? Me and the Cool Kids? We’re at our table in the center of the cafeteria. Everyone is looking at us. And the outgoing class of seniors like yourself? The ones who used to be SO GOOD but are now finding themselves irrelevant and lost in the modern world?

You can’t sit with us.

Elizabeth Blackwell

Liz! Holy shit! How the hell are you?! Haven’t talked in an AGE, ya know? You still like cake and anime?!?!?!

Welp, I just covered everything that you have talked about, like, EVER.

We get it, hon. We totes do. You come from this little weird group that includes people like Maya and Mizore and I’m totes sure that all of your battles were so legit that Manny said “MANG! FOR SKYRIM!” a whole bunch. Like, probably had bodies flying everywhere and going through columns and a shit-ton of “I CHOOSE YOU!” and “LEVEL 9000!” going on. And I am by NO MEANS the kind of person who goes “ERMAHGERD IT DIDN’T HAPPEN HERE SO IT DOESN’T COUNT,” so I am NOT going to do that, but I AM going to say this:

You aren’t shit.

That goes for the ENTIRE Anime Reject League, Lizzy-Poo. 57 minute long epics about family members we don’t give a fuck about and OH SO EPIC drama featuring wrestlers from other promotions. Additionally, High Stakes Wrestling was nothing but what amounted to a shitty barroom fed that would have had its website on geocities or angelfire back in the 90’s when we were kids. Anything and everything from there is trash.

And finally, so that you and I are absolutely clear: Cake pops>slice of cake

Gabriel Baal

Yeah, figured that gif of myself would be appropriate here, Doctor McEmoFace. See, you have this ANNOYING habit of making assumptions about people, because you think that you can “read” people, but the reality is that you are NO Phrixy. See, Fear actually watches people in their entirety and correctly figures out their motivations. You? You just like talking. And talking. And talking.

And introducing yourself.

Ya know, if you were as badass as you think you are, you wouldn’t need an introduction 🤔🤔🤔

#MINDBLOWN

N-E-Ways, you do this thing where you tell people what they are really thinking and have had a few things to say about me and my own reasons for being in wrestling. Unfortunately for you, you are wrong. I am NOT an agent of Chaos. I am NOT in this to see everyone around me fail and falter. Perhaps I COULD have been. Perhaps that was the path I was SUPPOSED to take. But it is not the one I took.

In the last two years, I have met people who showed me that what I thought I knew was wrong. Mackenzie showed me the importance of love and forgiveness. Angelica has shown me that not letting myself get into inane battles with people on social media will help me focus on what matters. Milisandre has shown me that even the most rough coal can be polished into a diamond. And Roxanne has show me…

Er...well...let us not delve too far into what I have seen of Roxanne…

The point is, your institutions have been based on the premise of chaos, of destruction, and even the Court somehow wants to create order with its chaos, whatever that means. But, just as with Eden before, those institutions are based on tenuous connections. Both the Engine and the Court are buildings which have foundations built into naught but mud. Those institutions of chaos sink, fall, and ultimately crumble.

I am not an agent of chaos.

I’m a #CoolKid.

And while I am well aware of your dominance in 2017, including winning the Melee and going on to defeat Eden at WrestleStock, 2018 is a whole new world. You failed against Lucy in the Global Challenge, failed to beat Magdalena, and lost the Co-Op titles the very moment you actually had to show you earned them. And this year? In the Melee? You’re going to come face-to-face with the person changing the world for the better.

The #CoolestKidInTheRoom

Allow me to allow you to allow me to introduce myself.

Holden Orson

I wasn’t legal the last time you were relevant.

Think about that.

Couldn’t vote.

Couldn’t drive.

Shit, I was probably still eating sugar cereals.

Fuck, I might have even still had my BRACES on.

That is how long it has been since people gave a damn about what you say or do. Now, I totes get that you are perpetually bored, as we can tell whenever you speak, but I have a feeling that your boredom is actually caused by you listening to yourself talk.

That is SO meta.

So do me a favor, pal: Take the sammich that Phrixy jammed down your throat when the verbally spanked you for the first Chill, push it out the hard way, and then shove it BACK up your ass. At least THAT would be entertaining.

Jason Ingalls

Ingalls! Dude! How the fuck are you?!

You, I missed. Legit. #OutlastBuddy4Life, yo! You’ve had a great year, well, outside of all those fucking Ls you have taken. You won a title! Sweet! And then dropped it on the first defence. And you haven’t been on the CoolRankings at all. Well, you were for, like, five seconds. But then you went back to losing.

You know what? I take what I had to say back. You have had a SHITTY year. And that’s not even counting things like unicorns and being outsmarted by Ichy’s dog!

Listen, I appreciate you going balls-to-the-wall for me last year at Outlast, and I would not mind having you on my team again in the future, but let’s face it: You’re getting tossed.

Jessica Mathis

That was me answering the question posed in this exchange:

Fang Gang Member: Hey Mistress Sarah?

Sarah, Queen of Cool: Yes, Fang Ganger?

FGM: Is it possible for Jessica Mathis to suck even more in the future than she does now?

Here’s the dealio, Mathis: I GET that you had a pretty good run the first six months of 2017. I totes get that. But what I ALSO get is that you had a pretty good run against a bunch of shit opponents. I ALSO get that, out of 13 wins in that entire year, not a single one of them actually meant a damn. I ADDITIONALLY get that, due to a not TOO shabby last couple of months last you, you got a nice opportunity at the beginning of THIS year. And the result of those opportunities?

Jack shit.

Not even Jack AND shit.

Just jack shit.

Because that’s all you really are once we actually hit the ring. Yeah, you are consistent, so that’s cool. And yeah, you show fire and desire by being active. That’s cool. But what is the point if, after all of that fire and desire, you still end up with absolutely NOTHING to show for it? Like, all at?

No point. None. Because zero, no matter how many times you multiply it, is still zero.

Now, I know that there are people who are going to be all “JEEZ SARAH STOP BEING SO MEAN JEM IS MY FAVORITE BECAUSE I’M NOSTALGIC FOR A SHITTY 80’S CARTOON” but I am NOT being mean. I am being truthful. If I was MEAN, I would be like Vain and tell you that you have even a smidgen of talent and skill beyond the opening act. You know, I’d lie to you. But I won’t. Because lies make Baby Jesus cry, and I am NOT going to make Him cry by telling you that you are ANYTHING more than someone to fluff the crowd while the cameras aren’t showing.

And because of all of that, I have to stand by the answer I opened up with: No, I do not think that you can suck more in the future than you do now. Because since you are already at zero, just like you cannot multiply by it, you can’t divide by it, either.

You are zero.

Televise THAT.

Jet Somers

Ugh.

Don’t take that the wrong way, Jet. I don’t mean “Ugh” like when Mackenzie makes me watch a Star Track marathon or “Ugh” like when Roxanne ups the price of her cam show (Seriously, stop it!). I mean “Ugh” as in, “there is actually some competition in this thing.”

Listen, regardless of how the roster feels about your mask coming off and you showing yourself to be in the Court, the truth of the matter is that you are pretty badass, and no amount of “JET IS TEH SUK LULZ” people throw at you is going to change that. A billion titles across the years, a cornerstone of this company, and even THIS year, you have been at or near the top of the #CoolRankings the majority of the time, with only Zane or Lucy edging you out now and again. There is no way around saying it, as I am, as mentioned before, NOT going to make Baby Jesus cry:

You’re a tough bitch.

But I’m tougher.

I know that it has been a rough year for you, if not professionally, certainly personally. And I know ALL about that, ya know? Problems at home, problems in the Court, problems probably with your puppy. But my problems have dwarfed years, let me tell you. And I am back from them. Because there is NOTHING standing in my way of getting what I want, and if that means hurting or embarrassing people I like, so be it.

In theory, you will have the Court to help you, you will have the Court to bind together. But as I mentioned before, the Court are just friends...if you are even that. The #CoolKids are family. And while the Court may have triumphed at Trios, that has not been the case since then. My girls have gotten accustomed to this company, have figured out how to fit in, and we are straight up deadly bitches now.

So here is how it is going to shake down, #OultastBuddy4Life Jet: We’re going to single you out. As soon as you get caught in our sights, we are going to ditch what or who we are dealing with and instead beat you down and throw you over. Because by the end of this match, anyone that is a threat will be eliminated until there is nothing left but the #CoolKidsTable. And just as I told Eden, there is no room for you.

Kem Dynamo

Okay, okay. By now you’ve already heard, like, sixteen fat jokes. But, if you’ll indulge me, allow me to toss out one more:

Sar: Hey, Roxy!

Rox: ‘Sup, bb?

Sar: Do you know who is the GREATEST WrestleStock Cup champion of all time?

Rox: You are, bb.

Sar: That’s right! And do you know who the FIRST WrestleStock Cup champion was?

Rox: According to the #CoolRankings, found on the CoolTube app, some guy named Jesse.

Sar: That’s also right! Know what that makes Kem?

Rox: I don’t know, bb.

Sar: The FATTEST WrestleStock Cup champ of all time!

Sar and Rox: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Okay okay, that’s enough of that. I mean, I COULD talk about how it will literally take all SIX of the #CoolKids to get you up and over the top rope, and about how the rumble that you crashing to the floor is going to be so epic that Japan is going to get their tsunami sirens blaring, but there is something totes different I want to talk about:

You are full of shit.

Oh, I know, I know. “WHY DO YOU SAY THAT YOU ARE SO MEAN SARAH SHE’S BIG BONED 😭😭😭” Here’s the dealio:

You told Roxanne before your Chill match that you do your homework. That you knew exactly what Roxanne had done and how Angelica was the real reason she had been successful. And while you CAN make that argument, you then made your argument invalid with this statement: Angie is the driving force of the Cool Kids.

First of all, its #CoolKids. Say the fucking hashtag!

Second: You are wrong. While dear, sweet Angelica absolutely embodies the ideals of the #CoolKids, she is not its heart or drive. That’s me, tubby. Its always been me. And just because I have been out of commission doesn’t mean that I have not been the force driving the group which gets all the people squawking and takes all the titles.

*I* am the one who knocked out legends and ripped away titles.

*I* am the one who made everyone stand back and realize that a new generation was here.

*I* am the one who showed that we can travel across the world, fight every day, sometimes three TIMES in a day, and win them all.

I GET that you won the WrestleStock Cup in 2016. But I also GET that people used YOUR NAME to demonstrate how WrestleStock Cup winners can follow that up by doing jack shit. Like, totes legit. Check this out:

That is how people around here think of and about you. That you won a participation trophy. Let’s be honest with ourselves here: Fat jokes are the least of your worries. You need to be worried about how the UGWC stalwarts laugh at your career. And since coming back, what have you done to refute their point? Beat freakin' MIZORE in a match to earn the right to job out to Frenchie McWeirdo in a glorified 3-on-1? Helped us create a new term, "Kemming," to get across how shitty someone is when they get the limelight and fail in the main event by focusing on THE DUMBEST SHIT possible?

You beat Roxanne in a coinflip at Chill.

But now you get me.

You’re fucked.

Can't wait for you to break down my metal Moonlight Sonata and base 75% of your argument on how it's a terrible wrestling theme 😮

Lindsey Bunny

"I'm the real villain in this story."

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BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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Sorry...sorry...I KNOW that I shouldn't laugh....but....but...THE BUNNY THINKS SHE'S A VILLAIN OH GOD THAT'S AS BAD AS LIZ'S 'WELCOME TO YOUR NIGHTMARE' SCHTICK I CAN'T EVEN

Magdalena Lockheart

- No more jokes or jests -

- There are no pigeons or blocks -

- There will be much pain -

So, that was the haiku I had written for you. See, I figured that, after all this time, it would be sentimental and emotionally powerful if, instead of ripping into you or telling some jokes or whatevs, I went old school and wrote a haiku like I sued to do and left it at that. Because anyone that knows us knows how much we love to kick each other in the head and stuff, ya know? So, totes figured this would be poetic and stuff.

But then I remembered how much of a cunt you have turned into over the last six months.

Uh oh. I used the c-word. Wonder if you are going to do things like block or report or stuff.

Here's the gig: You are a shitty person. Like, you are an EXCELLENT wrestler, ya know? I have watched you kick ass in the Coalition, watched you put down haters in EWC, even do somewhat decent in 4CW (well, if we don't count not getting a single fall in that 10 Minutes of Mayhem debut match, anyway), and you have, on many occasions, done exactly what you said you were going to do. Hell, you even went on a killer 4-match win streak in the Coalition, and we all know how freakin' hard that is, and, lets face it, will most likely be the Cross-Hemisphere Champ before the night of Melee is through.

But lets also face this, you went from a "goody two-shoes," who was still someone five seconds away from marrying notorious douchebag Tolson while still somehow being a "good guy," to someone who stood up and called out all the champs in her companies (which I approve of!) and then to a waste of space so pathetic that all she is known for is hashtags on Wednesdays. 

"BUT I BEAT YOU ONCE IN A SINGLE MATCH WITH NOTHING ON THE LINE"

Bitch, you went on twitter and answered an ask.fm question just a handful of hours after Baal kidnapped your girl to take her to her dad.

You didn't call the cops. Because "Madly in love with @lucy_Wylde" apparently, in your world, equates to "baby's gone, time to jump on twitter lulz"

You were a useless, empty cunt.

Now, I'm sure you're all "NO BITCH I DELETED IT SO IT DIDN'T HAPPEN"

Unfortunately, much like "other" things which you have deleted, the fact is that BOTH of us know it happened, as well as anyone else who actually pays attention and givesa shit. Cry foul all you want, reality is that you do piece-of-shit things because you ARE a piece of shit. Now, what the hell does that have to do with wrestling and the Melee? Simple: Fighters who have zero heart or character do not last long. And regardless of whether or not you call yourself the future, it doesn't change that your pretty face and killer hair are just a covering for a soulless shell of shit who can't even focus enough on the one thing that is supposed to be the most important thing in the world.

What are you gonna do when its you, face to face, with the #CoolKids? What are you going to do when you come face to face with people who understand the importance of family and loved ones? What are you going to do when we start beating you senseless? 

Give up. Run away and hide. Just like how you performed for Lucy when she needed you the most.

So, after this? After we embarass you and I win the Melee? When Lucy wakes up from her "ZOMG IMMA LESBIAN FOR NO REASON NOW FUCK I'M HAWT" phase and dumps your ass for being that aforementioned empty, useless cunt? Maybe Tolson will take you back. Because empty, pathetic, waste-of-space pieces of trash like her and Anderson not only deserve each other, but you will still fit right in with them.

See ya around, Genie.

Mizore Payne

Ugh.

Just...ugh.

And not the “I am going to have a hard time fighting Jet because he’s awesome” ugh.

This is a “good fuck these people suck” ugh.

Like, one of those “this is a shitty day at work because people keep fucking up and I need to fix everything” kind of ughs.

One of those “Jesus, look how ugly that chick is, even Maggie’s 27 pounds of makeup would ever make her doable” ughs.

That basically sums up how I feel about you.

Just…

...ugh…

Say hi to Maya for me!!!!!

Necron

Oh for the LOVE of FUCK

You know, when Generic Heel put together that D&D game, I had figured that the bad guy in it just HAD to be completely fake. Like, you know how the BEST bad guys in fiction are based on real life bad guys? Like, if you wanted a killer Nazi-type character, like maybe you wanted the humans to bind together under some evil god and get all kinds of racist against elves and dwarves, you would totally base the character off Hitler or something? I TOTALLY figured that the Great GH had created Necronium the Long-Winded off nothing, that his characteristics had to be completely made up, because NO ONE in history could be that shitty and boring, right?

Then I got caught up on your stuff.

Turns out GH the Great DID base the dragon of Clan Blowhard on someone in real life.

Now, I DO realize that this is a TOUCH of the Ballad of the Pot and Kettle, since this promotional video might well be longer than the next six #CoolKid videos on the #CoolTube app combined, but the difference is that people will actually give a shit about what I have to say and, by contrast, won’t give a flying fuck about what you have to say. And I know that is hard to get a grip on, since you’re, like, Kingpin without the killer threads, or something, but as far as everyone around here is concerned, you aren’t anything more than dumb plank of wood to lean up against.

All that being said, I WOULD like to offer you something. See, there is an award that was cooked up by the team over at hotgoths.fuckyeah whih was SPECIFICALLY designed for YOU! So instead of one of those gifs my team will have put in during post, I would like, instead, for you to accept this award. You did it, Necron. You did it!

Phrixus Deimos

Phrixy! Buddy! How are you? Still treading water? Spinning those wheels like crazy? At this stage, there isn’t much more to say to you that I haven’t already referenced, but I will say this:

2018 is NOT going to be like 2015 when you won the Melee.

2018 will, instead, be more like 2017. When I eliminated you by knocking you over the rope with a shining wizard.

Yeah, I’m still not exactly sure about the physics of that, either. But it happened!

See you soon, Phrixy.

Rogan MacLean

One of those handful in this match I truly respect. But there is a problem with that respect, Ro-Mac: It only lasts as long as your excellence does. Which means that it ebbs and flows in such extremes that it is very difficult for anyone to hold onto you. See, there is this trend within the Coalition where people show their BEST when the biggest events come around, which they should, because that is akin to having your chips in the pot with the best hand. After all, why have a royal flush in hand when no one has bet, right? And so you drop the suited straight at the big events and walk away with the pot, just like at Outlast.

Unfortunately for you, if we are to stay with the poker analogy, which we should since you’ve got that whole “ZOMG WESTERN GUNSLINGER KING IS THE SHIT” thing going for you, is that it seems like every other time you push your chips into the pot, you are doing so pre-flop with 7-2 off suit in your pocket. Check this out:

Drops the royal flush at Outlast, wins world title...

Gets bluff called by Jet, loses title at Battleground, wins ONE match the rest of the year.

Hits the flush on the river at the first Synergy in January to establish what you want to do…

Loses in the first round at Infinity.

Reveals a set by hooking up with Lucy and Jase...

And then loses to a flush on the turn by taking, like, 5 Ls in a row.

Here’s the dealio, Ro-Mac: You highs are high...but your lows are low. And when you come into the Melee, just like everyone else, you are going to realize that the #CoolKids have a set of aces up their sleeves, and you’ll just be knocked out like everyone else.

Travis Pierce

‘Sup, T-Pie! How you be? Listen, we’re buds, so I’m not going to eviscerate you like I have just about everyone else. And really, there is no need, since anything you produce for this even is basically just eviscerate yourself, anyway, with your brand of “gonna ignore my opponents and still expect to somehow win.” Or somehow make a title defense because you beat Rydell (snicker, snort). So instead, I will say this:

You made a better creative director than you ever have a wrestler. And while I am WELL AWARE of who the FIRST Cross-Hemisphere champion was (seriously, stop it), we all know that I am #THEBEST one.

Zane Scott

Okay...okay...getting tired now. I’ve been talking for, like, a LOOOOOONG time. And due to alphabetical order, this leaves me with only you, Zane. Zane, who snuck up on the Court and won not only the world title, but also became the first EVER triple champion. Zane, who has been Top 3 in the #CoolRankings from Day One. Zane, who has had seven (7!) title match victories in the last 8 or so months. Zane, who has been one half of the totes adorbs team of DonoZane.

Zane, who is going to lose this match.

I like you, Zane. Should be obvs. One of those people who might be in this match who have earned my respect. But I will NOT be denied. I will NOT have returned for nothing. I will NOT LOSE. Because winning this match...and taking what this win means...is THE most important thing at this moment. You have had, and will continue to, have your time. But this is MY time.

I promise you, Zane: I will NOT stop until I’m legend.

“Baby...what do you have left to prove?”

This is the question which has plagued me for weeks. It has been documented by the Circle Television Network that Mackenzie and I have not exactly seen eye to eye on the subject of me entering this match. We have had arguments, ranging to angry to funny to tearful, and I appreciate her concern. She is, as I mentioned before, concerned not only for my health, but the quality of life for us in the future, as we have many, many years of wedded bliss ahead of us. She has brought up strong points in her argument, point about how we are already undefeated tag team champions in Canda, how I won a prestigious tournament, and how I held a title in a company where that MATTERS. What do I have left to prove?

Tell me, Lucy. What do I have left to prove?

There are those who look at our match at Battleground and say that it was only a fluke. That I was lucky. That what SHOULD have happened was the same thing that happened at In Your Hands.

But that isn’t what happened.

What happened was that I beat you.

Clean.

Middle of the ring.

So what? Why the fuck does THAT matter?

It matters because more intelligent people than those like an AJ Smyth who will forever look at me and say “FLUKE!” because I stopped hitting on her, intelligent people who clamor for something, clamor for a specific thing, clamor for something which we were robbed:

The rubber match.

There are those within this business that want to take the #FIghtForever! mantra that others have for me and Magdalena and give it to us. Those that wish you and I would just kick the living shit out of one another until we die. And, if you will let me, I would like to say this:

I am one of them.

Who is better between us? Is it the veteran who won at In Your Hands? Or the upstart who won at Battleground? That question is one of the things that has fueled my comeback. One of the things which made me push harder, run faster, sweat more, do EVERYTHING I could do to make this deadline I had set for myself. So that I could PROVE that I am better than you.

Reality check is this: *I* am the one who ended your admittedly epic Cross-Hemisphere championship reign. *I* am the one who took all of your bravado, took all of your assurances that you would ‘make me your bitch,’ took ALL OF IT, and drove it into the mat with the Abyss. And after that? You limped into a “gimme” match with Madgelana and then, as the new year began, took the title that *I* beat you for and basically threw it in the trash. Oh, I’m sure that you feel Wallace beat you clean for it, but I know better. Your heart wasn’t in it. And it shouldn’t have been. Because you knew, both deep down AND on the surface, that THIS reign with the title was no more than the horseshit flying out of a car salesman’s mouth. It was a lie. Because *I* was the champion.

Now, I would not be shocked if you responded with something akin to “OMG Sar, that was SOOOO 2017!” And you would be right. But this? This right here? Me entering into the Melee? It is about answering my wife’s question. It is about showing what I have left to prove.

Prove to everyone that I am better than you.

So, here is what is going to happen: First, you are going to go into your match on Monday and win. Retain. Show that you are the world’s champion. Then, I am going to enter the Melee, celebrated by the announcers for returning on my anniversary with the company, and beating every single person that I am placed against, and becoming the number one contender. And then, at WrestleStock, the event that I DOMINATED last year, I am going to go into the main event on the final day and rip your title away from you.

It's time. Can you feel that? Can you feel the gooseflesh on my arms? Feel the hair on my neck rising? My music is about to play. And when that guitar hits and the Sonata blares through the arena, that crowd is going to fucking EXPLODE. I promise you...I PROMISE YOU...it will be biggest pop of the night. It will be the biggest show of love and the greatest embrace of a fighter walking down that aisle in recent memory. Why? Because it's not just the Fang Gang that knows who I am and what I represent. Its not just the people watching Keeping Up With the Cool Kids or playing the Cool Kids RPG. Its not just the people wearing Firestarter Brand Clothing or checking out Shots Fired every Saturday. Its every wrestling fan in the god damn place losing their SHIT because I am back. And because they know one unavoidable fact. The thing which draws me back. The thing which they clamor to see.

What do I have left to prove?

That I am the champion of the fucking WORLD.

Mind the flames, mommy dearest.