Wrestlestock 2018 - Day One: The Chaos Championship

[Jet Somers]

Waldo: Welcome to Unified Podcast!!



Holden: Scoff.



Waldo: This was your idea, Holden.



Holden: It wasn’t my idea to call it that.



Waldo: No one would have understood what you wanted to call it. You said so yourself.



Holden: It’s not my job to educate people.



Waldo: The Jan Wnek Memorial Radiocast makes no sense.



Holden: What kind of sense does this name make?



Waldo: It’s for UGWC?



Holden: So?



Waldo: It stands for Uni--



Holden: I know what it stands for, Waldo, I’m not a Gomer.



Waldo: What’s a Gomer?



Holden: Waldo, just play the intro music.



Waldo: Oh. Coo.

Waldo: We’re live from New Orleans City Park!



Holden: There are many exquisite pieces from Enrique Alferez all over the park, particularly bas-reliefs and art deco sculptures. Keen-eyed members of the roster will pay homage to the many versions of The Floating Woman that pops up in various landmarks that have dotted the landscape for almost a hundred years.



Waldo: Right. Today is the first day of the annual Wrestlestock Festival, and we’re going to be covering all four days for those listeners who couldn’t make it.



Holden: Oh good, because I couldn’t make it.



Waldo: Holden, we’re at the event now.



Holden: I’m glad. I can check in throughout the day and see what’s happening.



Waldo: The gates are just now opening and fans are filing in, but the campground is a sea of tents for faithfuls who have already spread out around the park.



Holden: Have they showered?



Waldo: What?



Holden: The campers, have they showered?



Waldo: I have no idea, Holden.



Holden: Well, there is a bunch of dirty-looking people skinny-dipping in Big Lake. That’s the best name for a lake ever.



Waldo: Oh boy, security has already been dispatched, and the festivities haven’t even really gotten going yet.



Holden: Why is the constabulary wearing leather vests?



Waldo: As in years past, the Devil’s Most Wanted have provided security for the event.



Holden: Is that the gang that Chaos is a member of?



Waldo: They prefer “motorcycle club,” Holden.



Holden: Well I prefer the Sharks, but no one’s asking.



Waldo: We’ll have an official schedule soon, so you’ll know when to check in for specific events, but in the meantime, let’s take a look around the park, shall we?



Holden: Oh great, I can point out where all the Alferez sculptures are.



Waldo: We’re stationed outside the Christian Brothers School on the banks of Big Lake, and on the other side is the main thoroughfare of the park and some of its best known attractions.



Holden: Some of the trailers are sarcoline, some are coquelicot, there’s one that’s smaragdine, and a big wenge double trailer. Mine’s fulvous.



Waldo: Holden is referring to the bank of Entertainment Professional’s trailers currently situated behind Bayou Metarie.



Holden: The rings are over by the second greatest lake in the world.



Waldo: Just past Little Lake is the FDR Mall, and our main two rings are located inside Tad Gormley stadium and there’s another on the practice track.



Holden: Behind is us where all the mainstream shit is happening.



Waldo: The festival grounds have been converted into an interactive fan zone where the EPs have set up various booths, tents, games, and other activities to get a little closer to the festival goers.



Holden: Scoff.



Waldo: There’s a fourth ring set up inside the Pan American stadium, and just beyond that is a midway with carnival games, merch booths, and food vendors down Wisner Boulevard.



Holden: Here comes your best friend.



Waldo: What? Oh, Reeves? He’s not my friend.



Holden: He’s your best friend. I saw you two sharing a snowcone at the Tastee Freeze in Riggins. You were both laid back on the hood of his VW Karmann Ghia watching Farmer Turner cropdust his field on the other side of Route 66.



Waldo: What… what the hell?



Reeves: Hey guys, how’s the Unified Podcast going?



Holden: Eye roll.



Reeves: What?



Holden: This is the Jan Wnek Memorial Radiocast.



Reeves: Um, alright. Here’s the schedule.



Waldo: Thanks Reeves!



Holden: Begone.



Reeves: Whatever.

Waldo: Alright listeners, we’ve got a packed opening day! Up first, we’re going to find out who will go on to challenge the winner of tonight’s main event!



Holden: Why would you want to win that match?



Waldo: It’s for the number one contendership, Holden.



Holden: Have you seen who’s fighting for it? Jim Jones’ wife and the devil’s grandpa.



Waldo: Are you saying you’re afraid of Necron and Le Bord de Dieu?



Holden: Don’t be ridiculous, Waldo. I’m just imagining the sixteen hour marathon speech I’d have to sit through if I faced either one of them.



Waldo: Well, they are a little wordy.



Holden: Look of incredulity.



Waldo: Regardless of my co-host’s feelings on the outcome, it looks like we’re going to be treated to a modified Buckets of Fun match!



Holden: Dusting off a classic!



Waldo: The DMW prospects have been working on some kind of structure out in the middle of the golf courses, so we’ll check in at 11 AM for that contest.



Holden: Is it time to go on break, then?



Waldo: No, Holden, there’s more. At 3 PM, we kick off the Fourth Annual Wrestlestock Open!



Holden: Yawn.



Waldo: Holden why did you even agree to do this if you were going to be so annoyed with it?



Holden: A Cupful of Christmas is being renovated. I was bored.



Waldo: Here’s a special announcement; there’s going to be a surprise event from the Circle Television Network at 7 PM!



Holden: And then we can go home?



Waldo: There’s still the Main Event to come at 9 PM, the Chaos Championship Match!



Holden: Sigh. Wait… we’re going to be podcasting for over 12 hours today? What kind of a stupid idea was that?



Waldo: We’re going to take breaks, Holden, calm down.



Holden: Silent protest.



Waldo: Speaking of which, it’s time for us to take our first break! Please stay tuned for a word from our sponsor, then check back in at 10:45 AM when we’ll be live again!!

[Jet Somers]

 

Waldo: Welcome back to the--



Holden: JAN WNEK MEMORIAL RADIOCAST!



Waldo: Right… We’re about ready to kick off the action here, but first we’re going to take you to the main ring in Tad Gormley Stadium.

Holden: Oh shit, that’s Ichabod.



Waldo: I found out during the break that The Lord Director of Creativity tapped the Chill General Manager Ichabod to plan and host this day of the festival.



Holden: That’s fitting.


Waldo: Let’s listen in.



Ichabod: Welcome to New Orleans City Park, and welcome to UGWC Wrestlestock!



Waldo: Listen to that crowd. Who would have ever thought Ichabod could command an audience?



Holden: You know he had his own company for like, a long time, right?



Waldo: Oh. Coo.



Ichabod: Today we celebrate an aspect of professional wrestling that has all but died out in modern times. You’ll hear it called different things depending on where you hang your boots; Hardcore, Brutality, Ultraviolent, Extreme, Psychotic, Deathmatch… it all amounts to the same. Sometimes it’s not about an arsenal of technical moves. Sometimes it’s not about how fast you can strike or how high you can fly. Sometimes it’s not about ring awareness, match psychology, or researching your opponent. Sometimes, you just want to let loose and drag a match back to the weeds, back to the medieval battlefields, back to the streets. It’s primal, it’s bloodthirsty, it’s a fight! Today is all about CHAOS!!



Holden: Damn right it is.



Waldo: He’s right, this is a mostly forgotten niche in the sport, but this is Wrestlestock, and you’d better believe that UGWC is going to honor every tradition.



Ichabod: Tonight, the UGWC Chaos Championship will be decided between two bitter rivals, but in just a few minutes, we’re going to kick off the day with a newly conceived match, a twist on an old classic! Please join us at the golf courses for the first ever Chambers of Fun Match!!

Waldo: Chambers of Fun instead of Buckets of Fun! Did you get the match rules, Holden?



Holden: Yeah your best friend left them here. So that platform the DMW was working on has two chambers on each side, but they’re plywood chambers so the no one knows who’s inside each one.



Waldo: And they won’t be able to see what’s going on in the match until they’re released either.



Holden: Do you want to explain this?



Waldo: Go ahead.



Holden: The girders over the platform have a complicated chain and pulley system, and there are buckets hanging over the entire platform. At any time, if someone can get up to one of the dangling chains, they can pull it to either release a bucket or open one of the chambers. They won’t know which when they pull it.



Waldo: What’s in the buckets?



Holden: It just says surprises, but whatever someone finds in a bucket can be used in the match.



Waldo: How do you win?



Holden: Pinfall or submission, just like normal, but it’s only one fall, so there’s a chance the match could be over before everyone is released from their chambers.



Waldo: Alright, let’s go to the golf courses where the first two random doors are about to open! Who do you think will come out?



Holden: Douglas Fairbanks?



Waldo: Who?



Holden: Scoff.



Waldo: The first door is up, and it’s…

Holden: SCCCCOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFF!!



Waldo: One of Holden’s greatest rivals of all time, Phrixus Deimos!!



Holden: Hide your sandwiches, folks.



Waldo: The second door is up, here comes…

 

Waldo: Hey!! Holden it’s Larry!!



Holden: Zane9000’s mentally-challenged mechanic?



Waldo: No, your godson! The Protégé of Pain!!



Holden: Oh… oh! The Conqueror of Planets!



Waldo: Fear and Larry are circling one another, eyes darting toward the chains a few feet above their heads.



Holden: Larry is bravely moving to attack, but Overly Enigmatic Guy catches him with an overhead suplex!



Waldo: Larry, trying desperately to be inventive reaches for one of the dangling chains as he goes over, and gets ahold of one as he falls!



Holden: One of those buckets is lowering, but bad luck for Larry, Sandwich Thief is the one on his feet and he moves over easily to retrieve it.



Waldo: Larry is getting to his feet, but Deimos begins pulling bricks out of the bucket and launching them at him!



Holden: Throwing bricks; now that’s a classic, old school wrestling maneuver.



Waldo: Larry is dodging the flying bricks as he moves across the platform toward Deimos. He’s about halfway there when Deimos runs out of bricks!



Holden: The oldest EP on the roster flips the bucket over and uses it as a boost to leap up and grab another chain.



Waldo: Deimos looks around for a bucket to fall, but that chain opened another chamber door!

 

Holden: Who the hell is that??



Waldo: That’s Olivia Price, Gabriel Baal’s little sister!



Holden: Gabriel has a sister?



Waldo: Where have you been?



Holden: I only went to the snack stand to get some cracker jacks.



Waldo: Olivia just knocked Deimos off the bucket with a hesitation dropkick!!



Holden: Larry’s on her as soon as she gets back to her feet, hitting her with a massive spinebuster!



Waldo: He’s about to put her in the Wafer Squeeze! This could be over before all the participants are released!



Holden: Jeez, my godson and Gabriel’s little sister? It’s like the Engine of Chaos Junior in there.



Waldo: I thought that’s what the Killing Joke was supposed to be.



Holden: The what?



Waldo: Nevermind, Deimos just yanked Larry off of Liv with a chicken wing, and is dragging him toward the chamber that Price just came from.



Holden: Major Psychology just whipped my godson into the chamber, where he crumples like a n00b.



Waldo: Olivia runs up one of the girders and leaps off, grabbing two chains!



Holden: Restraint.



Waldo: She wisely drops into a fighting crouch, expecting a door to open, and ignores the bucket lowering behind her.



Holden: Oof, the second chain opened a chamber!

Holden: I have no idea...



Waldo: It's Annie Fugate, part of the Zodiac!



Holden: Is she a Capricorn?



Waldo: Liv is motioning for Fugate to come at her, and Midnight obliges!!



Holden: Price unleashes a flurry of chops and slices that drive Annie back!



Waldo: Fugate manages to block, and slaps the taste right out of Liv’s mouth!



Holden: Fugate on the offensive now, she notices a brick laying nearby, and kicks it right into Price’s shin. That’s pretty inventive.



Waldo: Olivia spins around, grabbing at her shin, but leaves herself open for Fugate to grab the bucket that came down recently.



Holden: Not standing on ceremony, she lifts it up and just dumps it on Price… what is that red powder?



Waldo: Oh my god! I don’t know if our listeners can hear it, but those screams that Price is emitting as she drops to her knees would lead me to believe that bucket was full of cayenne pepper!!



Holden: Yeah, she’s done…



Waldo: Liv is rolling off the platform as officials surround her to help get the burning pepper off her face, but Fugate doesn’t give her a second look as she stalks to where Deimos has just laid out Larry with The Numbing!



Holden: Ol’ Mysterious Bore is about to go for the pinfall, but Fugate snaps a swinging neckbreaker on him!



Waldo: He crumples on top of Larry, and she steps on top of them both to grab a chain! Down comes a bucket!



Holden: Fugate reaches up for the bucket, peeking inside as wicked smile crosses her face.



Waldo: She sets the bucket down and drags Fear back to his feet.



Holden: Double Arm DDT into the bucket, which it turns out is full of blood!!



Waldo: Midnight with the first official pinfall of the match, looking to end it after an explosive out of gate offensive!



Holden: Eins, Zwei, Nein!



Waldo: Deimos pushes Fugate away, climbing to his feet and wiping blood from his eyes.



Holden: Annie comes running, and transitions a shining wizard into a boost up to grab two more chains.



Waldo: An explosive spear from Fear drives Fugate into one of the steel girders and she stumbles away to fall face down!



Holden: The Stumblebum makes for the buckets, looking inside the first one and then abandoning it for the other.



Waldo: Stumblebum?



Holden: I may have actually become bored with making up nicknames for Deimos. Predictable.



Waldo: Fear picks up the other bucket and shrugs, then begins dumping it out on the platform.



Holden: That’s a lot of Legos.



Waldo: A blood-covered Deimos pulls Fugate to her feet, then lifts her up for a powerbomb onto the legos!!



Holden: The Big Red Bore.



Waldo: What?



Holden: Fear. I just came up with a new nickname. I’m so clever.



Waldo: Right. Deimos is going for the cover!



Holden: Un, Deux, Non!



Waldo: Hey! Larry is climbing the girder!



Holden: I forgot he was in the match.



Waldo: He’s grabbing chains like crazy!



Holden: It looks like he’s got about four of them when The 1935 Cross Hemisphere Champion picks up the other bucket and flings it at him!



Waldo: The bucket hits Larry, spilling out harmless rubber chickens, but it’s enough to cause The Protégé of Pain to lose his balance.



Holden: Larry falls from the girder, but he’s holding those four chains as he falls!



Waldo: Four buckets drop simultaneously with the force of his fall, and one of them dings off Deimos’ head, knocking him sprawling!



Holden: The doors of the other chambers are starting to slam in their frames.



Waldo: The other competitors want in on the action, and as pinfalls keep happening, they’re getting closer and closer to being excluded from the match.



Holden: Fugate has one of the buckets, and she upends it over the Legos.



Waldo: Oh god… that bucket was full of thumbtacks!



Holden: Interesting carpet forming on the platform, with thumbtacks and Legos mixed in together.



Waldo: She’s closing in on Larry, but he turns around from the bucket he was reaching into with two empty Chadweiser bottles!



Holden: The Conqueror of Planets bangs two of them together, breaking them and leaving the jagged bottlenecks in his hands.



Waldo: Larry begins swiping at Midnight as she sways left and right, backpedalling to avoid being gashed.



Holden: Speaking of interesting carpets, I picked up a Qajar Dynasty--



Waldo: He threw one of the bottles at her!



Holden: It glances off her face, but she’s got a slice opening in her cheek.



Waldo: That pisses her off, and she runs at Larry, nailing him with a lariat!



Holden: Larry kips up, but Fugate hits him with a Russian legsweep.



Waldo: Fear has crawled over to the other bucket and is digging into it, he looks confused.



Holden: What else is new?



Waldo: I can’t tell what he’s got, but he seem disgusted with it and pushes the bucket away before returning to the one that knocked him down earlier.



Holden: Midnight has Larry up, she’s turning toward the Lego-tack carpet… piledriver!!



Waldo: Fugate goes for the pin, but a bucket suddenly lands right beside her, causing her to hesitate!



Holden: Jordan King’s Great Grandfather did that. He’s standing on that bucket that cracked his head.



Waldo: She looks into it for a moment, then rolls her eyes and covers Larry.



Holden: Ichi!



Waldo: Another bucket lands near one of the closed chamber doors, much to Fear’s frustration.



Holden: Ni!



Waldo: Splat!! A bucket full of raw eggs splatters onto Fugate, stopping the ref’s count!



Holden: Is there someone up on the steel girder?



Waldo: It’s Olivia Price!!



Holden: She’s dragging a bucket up, and she reaches in, then begins firing various kitchen utensils down at the competitors below!



Waldo: Deimos, Fugate, and Larry are scattering as a cheese grater, a garlic press, and tenderizer hammer, and a rolling pin rain down!



Holden: Larry rolls into an open chamber for cover, but Annie and Gandalf are climbing the girders to get at Price.



Waldo: Fear is up first, and Liv turns to get away from him, but gets caught up in one of the chains!



Holden: She falls!



Waldo: Her leg is caught up in one of those chains as she falls, and that releases one of the chamber doors!

Waldo: That leaves only three EPs still locked in their chambers as The Iceman enters the fray!



Holden: His name is the Iceman?



Waldo: It’s Konrad Raab, actually.



Holden: Too bad everyone’s up in the girders.



Waldo: Larry isn’t, but Raab doesn’t see him.



Holden: Shooting Star Press from the rafters from An 87 Year Old Man!



Waldo: That’s the Meteor Press, Holden. But Raab sees it coming and sidesteps!!



Holden: Wait… Meteor… Shooting Star… what’s the difference?



Waldo: Fear crashes into that carpet of tacks and Legos!



Holden: Listen, I don’t call an uppercut the Swinging Upward Punch to the Chin.



Waldo: Fugate has dropped down through the girders and is now using them like parallel bars to get to the chains!



Holden: Waldo.



Waldo: Sup?



Holden: Did you hear that?



Waldo: You're complaining about what Fear calls his move?



Holden: No, someone just farted into the headset!



Waldo: Wait… what??



Holden: I’m serious.



Waldo: Good lord… anyway, Fugate has reached the chains, and she grabs one.



Holden: Midnight situates herself on the bucket, and swings down to slam into the back of Raab just as he was advancing on Fear.



Waldo: As she lands, the bucket dumps out a blowtorch and striker!



Holden: Fugate grabs the blowtorch and lights it, then looks from Raab to the bucket that Fear discarded earlier.



Waldo: As Raab runs for her, she tosses the blowtorch toward the other bucket, where it lands inside.



Holden: She’s ready for him, hitting a drop toe hold into the bucket, which suddenly explodes!



Waldo: It was full of fireworks!!



Holden: Bottle rockets, mortar shells, firecrackers, roman candles, black cats, screamin’ mimis, lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, crap flappers, whistlin' bungholes, spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker don'ts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with and without the scooter stick, one single whistlin' kitty chaser and fountains of sparks explode all around Raab’s head!



Waldo: It looks like Fugate may have this one wrapped up as she moves in to cover Raab, but Price, who’s still hanging upside down from the girders, reaches out and grabs a chain!



Holden: Because of the awkward way she had to pull it, the bucket tips over halfway down, but Annie heard the chain and rolls out of the way.



Waldo: Red, white, and blue confetti cascades down to cover Konrad!



Holden: That was anti-climactic.



Waldo: Price hasn’t given up, and she’s reaching for another chain.



Holden: Fugate picks up the empty bucket and swings up at Price, but she’s out of reach.



Waldo: Price yanks the chain, and another chamber door opens!

Holden: Travis Pierce runs out from his chamber!



Waldo: Pierce wastes no time going for a cover on Raab!



Holden: Ahdeen! Dvah! Net!



Waldo: Raab manages to kick out, and he rolls away, picking ashes and gunpowder out of his singed beard.



Holden: Fugate makes a run at Pierce, but gets caught by surprise by Larry with an Inverted Quarter-Octopus Trap Driver!



Waldo: Pierce notices the bucket that landed outside his chamber that still hasn’t been touched.



Holden: In one hand he has a cat-o-ninetails, and in the other a ballgag.



Waldo: Possibly donated by Mixxxies.



Holden: What’s that?



Waldo: That’s the adult shop owned by Chaos.



Holden: What kind of coffee do they serve?



Waldo: They don’t serve coffee.



Holden: How can you be an adult if you don’t drink coffee? An adult shop should serve coffee.



Waldo: He drops the ball gag and uses the cat-o-ninetails to whip Larry off of Fugate before he can make a cover.



Holden: With a bit of unprecedented ingenuity, Pierce uses the whip to reach one of the chains and yanks it down.



Waldo: The bucket comes down, but Raab is back to his feet and grabs it on the way down.



Holden: He pulls out a crowbar and begins going ham on the other competitors.



Waldo: One by one he smacks them down, Pierce, then Fugate, then Larry!



Holden: Where’s Methuselah?



Waldo: In the melee, it looks like Fear slipped away and is recovering from his fall on the other side of the platform.



Holden: Scoff. Fall? He tried to hit a Bolide Splash on a standing opponent and ate Legos.



Waldo: The writer wants to parlay that into a waffle joke, but it seems too awkward.



Holden: What?



Waldo: Nevermind.



Holden: It looks like Konrad wants to cause as much chaos as possible, because instead of moving to finish the match, he uses the crowbar to hook another chain.



Waldo: The bucket lowers, and Raab reaches for it… and gets a shock!



Holden: Quite literally, in fact. Seems that bucket was electrified!



Waldo: Raab collapses from the jolts, but Pierce is back up!!



Holden: So is Fugate!



Waldo: Fear is climbing back in!



Holden: Price reaches for another chain and gives it a mighty yank!



Waldo: It lands on Fugate! Success!



Holden: As it does, its contents spill out all over Annie.



Waldo: It’s bugs! A swarm of insects attack Fugate as she falls away, fighting to get them off.



Holden: Rip Van Winkle leaps over where she’s rolling back and forth and heads for Pierce.



Waldo: Pierce attacks with the cat-o-ninetails again, snapping the leather against Fear over and over.



Holden: Larry just jumped on his back, he’s got the ballgag, and he’s fighting to get it on Pierce!



Waldo: Pierce backs up hard against a girder, knocking Larry off him, but not before Larry snaps the ballgag in place!



Holden: Raab is getting unsteadily to his feet, but he manages to rush at Fear and unleash a boxing combination that drives Fear to the edge of the platform.



Waldo: Fear is teetering, but Raab reaches out and grabs him.



Holden: He pulls him back with a DDT, then grabs him with an Ice Lock!!



Waldo: Pierce just hit the Breakdown on Larry! He goes for the pin!



Holden: If Raab can get Father Time to tap before this three count…



Waldo: One, two... Three!!!



Holden: He gets it a second before The Embodiment of Dullness breaks free, but that’s it, that’s the match!



Waldo: Two chambers went unopened, Roxy Cotton and Dave Rydell didn’t even get a chance to enter the match!!


Holden: Are you sure they were even in there?

Waldo: I guess we can't know one hundred percent...


Holden: Travis Pierce will go on to have the unenviable task of facing either The Grim Harvester or The Queen of Red.



Waldo: It’s time for us to go to break, but we’ll be back at 2:45 for our next segment!

[Jet Somers]

Waldo: Welcome back to the Jan Wnek Memorial Radiocast!



Holden: Satisfied smirk.



Chaos: Did this goober smooch just say ‘satisfied smirk?’



Waldo: It’s… nevermind. Listeners if you don’t recognize that voice, we have a special guest on the Radiocast: UGWC’s longest reigning Chaos Champion, Chad Anthony, better known as Chaos!!



Holden: Because that’s not confusing at all.



Chaos: You got a problem, fuck chop?



Holden: Your illegitimate claim to fame, for one.



Waldo: Holden, what do you mean? Chaos is the longest reigning Chaos Champion of all time.



Holden: Bunk. Scuttlebutt. Misinformation.



Chaos: Look, dick chump, I was the champion for two hundred and twenty four days.



Holden: And Ichabod was the champion for four hundred forty eight days.



Waldo: Oh, here we go…



Chaos: What are you flapping your asskisser about?



Waldo: Due to the special rules set down during the Engine of Chaos’ reign, Holden considers Ichabod the champion for the whole time they defended the championship, in addition to his individual reigns.



Chaos: The moniker isn’t about combined reigns, Holden. It’s about single reigns. Everyone knows Ichabod has held the Chaos Championship for more days total than anyone else in history, but for one single reign I hold the record.



Holden: Look of realization.



Chaos: Really?



Holden: Sheepish avoidance of standing corrected.



Waldo: Chaos, you’re tied, perhaps forever, with the spirit of this day. What’s the best way for a fan to get the most of the experience?



Chaos: I’d definitely encourage people to get in line for Konrad Raab’s impromptu wrestling classes, if you can get through the ten page liability waiver Ol’ Bob is insisting they sign. Also, there are a lot of untelevised matches going on all over the park. I think the last I counted there were a total of ten rings set up? New Orleans has a lot of independent promotions, and you won’t see violence like you do from some young shitstain hoping that the big promotions here this week will notice them.



Waldo: Anything else?



Chaos: Yeah, Ichabod’s got something really special planned for the Main Event tonight that’s going to kick that fan participation up a notch, so make sure you get to that ring early.



Waldo: Wow, we can’t wait!



Holden: Scoff.



Chaos: Dude, you really need to switch from panties to boxer briefs. Get your nuts out of the twist.



Waldo: Thanks for joining us Chaos. I’m sure you’ve got places to be, so we’ll let you go and get back into the action!



Chaos: Damn right, there’s a bouncy castle with mine and Hayleigh’s names on it.



Waldo: Let’s go to the Pan American Stadium where the first of the Wrestlestock Open is about to begin!

Holden: Isn’t his kid like, two? She’s going to get annihilated in a bouncy castle…

Waldo: Here comes Mizore Payne!



Holden: Who?



Waldo: You really don’t pay attention anymore do you?



Holden: Shrug.



Waldo: Mizore is a recent addition to the Synergy roster. She’s had a rough start, but recent weeks have seen a comeback of sorts as she began a winning streak that she hopes to continue through the Open!



Holden: She looks fourteen. Did Jordan hire her?

Waldo: And here comes the Red Queen!



Holden: Le Bord de Dieu?



Waldo: No, that’s the Queen of Red.



Holden: Huh?



Waldo: It’s complicated.



Holden: I literally stopped caring just now.



Waldo: Sarah Grey-Lacklan hit the UGWC running last year, and although vicious attack put her out of competition for most of the Winter and Spring, she returned last month for the Massive Melee!



Holden: Didn’t she have a big feud with Lucy Wylde?



Waldo: Yes, for the Cross Hemisphere Championship.



Holden: Ok, so if this event works out for both of them, we could see a rematch, but for the World Championship. Now I’m interested.



Waldo: Now remember, since this is Day One, although the match has no special gimmicks, all three Open matches will have Chaos rules.



Holden: So drink beer and lie about your title reigns, ladies!



Waldo: Also--

Holden: Oh shit, it’s Ichabod!



Waldo: In a referee shirt?? It looks like Ichabod has decided to call this match!



Holden: SSL and Payne circling each other in the ring as the bell rings.



Waldo: Both Mizore and Sarah are deceptively light. Each of them has a plethora of powerful moves in their arsenal, and tend to be mat-based technicians.



Holden: What’s with the ice theme? Is Mizore married to Konrad Raab?



Waldo: I don’t know… maybe?



Holden: Starting off with a collar-and-elbow tie up that Sarah transitions into a wristlock.



Waldo: Sarah yanks down on Mizore’s arm several times, like she’s trying to dislocate something.



Holden: Mizore floats over, wraps Sarah up with a neckbreaker!



Waldo: Ichabod steps in before Mizore can go for a cover, admonishing both of them for something. They look disbelieving at first, but Sarah, who has gotten to her feet, shrugs and rolls out of the ring.



Holden: Ichabod looks at Mizore seriously and points to the outside of the ring. Shaking her head, she rolls out on the other side.



Waldo: Ichabod nodding as Mizore grabs a chair and holds it up for his approval.



Holden: Looks like he wasn’t going to let this one end without some chaos!



Waldo: Mizore goes to slide into the ring, but Sarah catches her by the ankle and drags her out.



Holden: The Red Queen has a kendo stick, and she uses it to lay into Mizore.



Waldo: Mizore is using that steel chair as a shield where she can, but finally she slaps it against the legs of Grey-Lacklan.



Holden: It looks like she’s still got braces or something from that injury you were talking about.



Waldo: Indeed, and that chair shot brought her down!



Holden: Ichabod is blowing a whistle for some reason.



Waldo: Mizore was about to wail on Sarah, but Ichabod reminds her that the match can only be won inside the ring, and motions for her to get back in.



Holden: Mizore shrugs and lifts Sarah up, rolling her into the ring.



Waldo: Ichabod takes the chair from Mizore as she gets in, giving some helpful pointers on how to swing it most effectively.



Holden: He’s really gotten into helping the young talent now that he’s a GM.



Waldo: Unfortunately, that gives Sarah the chance to get up, and she drives a thrust kick into the chair right as Ichabod hands it back to Mizore!



Holden: Sarah unleashes a series of knee strikes that drive Mizore into a corner.



Waldo: She rips the padding off the turnbuckle as Ichabod applauds from across the ring!



Holden: The Mother of Pigeons is about to slam Mizore’s face into that exposed turnbuckle, but Payne blocks and drives an elbow back into her chest.



Waldo: Quick move switches places, and Mizore slams Sarah’s face into the buckle!!



Holden: Damn, that blood really stands out on that white skin. She really needs some Skol tanning oil.



Waldo: Ichabod moves in to check on Sarah, but she nods that she’s ok.



Holden: Mizore runs across the top rope out of nowhere and hits Sarah with a hurricanrana!!



Waldo: She goes for the pin!



Holden: Unway, Ootay, Onay!!



Waldo: Sarah’s leg is on the rope… did Ichabod…



Holden: What?



Waldo: Nevermind.



Holden: Payne doesn’t have to be prodded this time, she instantly slides out of the ring and goes looking for that kendo stick.



Waldo: Sarah is on her feet, and she goes to step out, but Mizore has the stick!



Holden: She drives the end of it into Sarah’s gut between the ropes a couple of times, until Sarah simply throws herself over the ropes and drops a crossbody on Payne.



Waldo: SSL rolls Mizore onto the Greek Announce Table, then grabs the kendo and climbs up.



Holden: Slapping her a few times for good measure, Sarah finally drops the stick before lifting Mizore up!



Waldo: We could be about to see the Abyss here…



Holden: Payne sits out, and Sarah isn’t able to complete the move, but opts for a backbreaker instead!



Waldo: The table is still holding up, despite the fight happening on top of it!



Holden: They've had temples that have stood for thousands of years, you think a backbreaker is going to take their announce table down?



Waldo: No, but that might!



Holden: Sarah was about to attack again, but Payne swept her legs from under her, sending Sarah crashing to the top of the announce table.



Waldo: Payne drags Grey-Lacklan up and sets her up for a Cold Shoulder!



Holden: There went the table.



Waldo: Ichabod has finally gotten out of the ring, and he backs Mizore up so that he and the other officials can check on Sarah. Something funny is going on here.



Holden: What do you mean?



Waldo: Ichabod has seemed awfully concerned with Sarah’s well-being in this match.



Holden: He’s a paid member of the front office, Waldo. It’s his job to care about the EPs.



Waldo: I didn’t see him checking on Mizore.



Holden: Mizore looks alright, she’s not even bleeding yet. Besides, he was very helpful teaching her how to use that chair earlier.



Waldo: Her parents are both very successful in this business, do you really think she doesn’t know how to use a chair?



Holden: Well, she does for sure, now.



Waldo: Ichabod makes way for Sarah to be allowed to get back into the ring, then motions for Mizore to get in. In the meantime, he begins gathering items and throwing them into the ring.



Holden: There we go, Ichabod wants this match to get a lot more chaotic.



Waldo: Payne rushes at SSL, but she’s ready and nails a spinning heel kick that flattens Mizore.



Holden: Sarah grabs a trashcan lid, then motions for Mizore to get up.



Waldo: Payne uses the rope to pull herself to her feet, but Sarah dashes in, turning at the last minute to grab her for a single knee facebreaker.



Holden: She managed to get that trashcan lid over her knee before impact, wisely protecting her damaged leg from the force of Mizore’s face.



Waldo: I’m surprised Ichabod isn’t going insane over that move.



Holden: Why?



Waldo: Because she just Bitch Thumped Mizore.



Holden: No she didn’t.



Waldo: Hrm. Sarah now lifting Mizore back up, and she slides the trashcan itself down over her body.



Holden: A barrage of martial arts kicks dent the can in around Payne, and Sarah doesn’t seem to plan to let up on this offense any time soon.



Waldo: Where is Ichabod now that Mizore is in trouble?



Holden: He’s over there, looks like he had to borrow a light from a fan.



Waldo: He’s smoking in the middle of officiating this match?



Holden: Have you met him?



Waldo: Ichabod finally returns to the ring, still smoking, as Mizore takes a final kick.



Holden: Sarah removing the trashcan now, very sportsmanlike.



Waldo: Right. She’s got her in position, there it is, the Abyss onto the trashcan!



Holden: Uno, dos, tres!!



Waldo: Sarah moves on!



Holden: Ichabod enthusiastically raising her hand in victory as he calls for the bell!



Waldo: Something stunk about that match.



Holden: Probably whoever is farting into the headsets.



Waldo: As Sarah and Mizore are helped out of the ring, I’m hearing there’s a commotion on the midway.



Holden: It looks like a riot is about to break out around the bouncy castle.



Waldo: Chaos is dragging kids out one by one as his little girl waits patiently.



Holden: Several parents are threatening Chaos, swinging purses and sloshing their big gulps at him!



Waldo: Chaos realizes what’s going on and turns to put his hands up in defense, but the crowd is closing in tighter and tighter.



Holden: He notices Dyson Morgan standing there, watching with interest, and motions him over.



Waldo: I think he just put something in his hand…



Holden: Chaos is wisely moving away from the bouncy castle, but the crowd is moving with him… look!



Waldo: Dyson is now pushing kids out of the front of the bounce castle!



Holden: A boy his age looks to be standing up to him.



Waldo: He just scooped the kid up on his shoulders!



Holden: Dyson Morgan just dropped that kid with The Devil’s Due!



Waldo: Oh, he’s going to be in a world of trouble when Jez finds out



Holden: I suppose you thought that was clever.



Waldo: Yeah, kinda.



Holden: Regardless of the consequences to come later, Dyson kicks the kid out, and holds open the curtain for Hayleigh to climb in!



Waldo: Let’s go to Tad Gormley where the next Open match is about to begin!

Holden: I don’t know anyone who works for this company anymore.



Waldo: That’s ok, Holden, because David Sanchez is making his UGWC debut tonight in the Wrestlestock Open!



Holden: Does Alex Stein still work here?



Waldo: No.



Holden: Does CJ Wylde still work here?



Waldo: No.



Holden: Does Rogan MacLean still work here?



Waldo: I’m not sure, he’s out with an injury.



Holden: Good grief.

Waldo: Here comes Captain 80s!



Holden: Holy crap, look at this goof.



Waldo: The Captain has been on a bit of a losing streak lately, it was awfully brave of him to sign up for this tournament.



Holden: He reminds me of someone…



Waldo: Wait until you see him wrestle.



Holden: There’s the bell and…



Waldo: Wow! Sanchez ran at The Captain, but The Captain grabbed his iron mask in a massive grip! He calls this the Krull!



Holden: Sanchez is going to his knees as The Captain crushes the mask around his face!



Waldo: The mystical powers of The Captain!



Holden: He’s on the mat now… he’s tapping out! Sanchez is tapping out!



Waldo: The Captain has advanced, in record time!



Holden: Bring on the next match! We’re going on break early, Waldo!



Waldo: Officials are scrambling, but yes, it looks as if we’re going to go ahead with our final Wrestlestock Open match of the day!

Holden: I know her.



Waldo: Everyone knows Kenzi-Grey Lacklan!



Holden: No, I mean, like I’ve had coffee with her.



Waldo: Well, the two of you are on Chill together.



Holden: She’s been talking a lot about moving to Synergy, she’s just looking for her moment.



Waldo: Maybe this is it?

Waldo: Another Wrestlestock Open debut, this is Kid Dynamo!



Holden: Dynamo? Coheed and Cambria? Any relation to…



Waldo: It’s the World Championship number one contender Kem Dynamo’s father!



Holden: Oh. Nevermind.



Waldo: Who were you thinking?



Holden: Remi Monroe.



Waldo: Wha.. nevermind. Kenzi recently befriended her opponent’s daughter, I wonder if that will have any bearing on the match tonight?



Holden: Why would it?



Waldo: Apparently Kem and her father are not keen on one another.



Holden: So?



Waldo: There’s the bell!



Holden: Dynamo immediately heads outside the ring and reaches under the apron, dragging a table out!



Waldo: Kenzi seems to sigh as if she was hoping it wouldn’t turn out this way so quickly.



Holden: Nevertheless, she catches Dynamo as he comes out from the apron with a second table, springboard moonsault to the outside!



Waldo: The fans are begging Kenzi to set up the other table, but she bypasses, grabbing Dynamo and rolling him back into the ring.



Holden: She goes to climb in, but Dynamo rolls to his feet on the other side of the ring.



Waldo: Sprinting back, Dynamo hits Kenzi with a dropkick that nearly sends her through the ropes.



Holden: Instead, he’s got her in a tree of woe situation, and begins laying kicks to her midsection.



Waldo: Dynamo rolls out again, heading for the ring steps.



Holden: He lifts the top piece off and tosses it into the ring.



Waldo: He’s not done yet, he’s also got that second table set up.



Holden: It’s clear that Dynamo intends to turn the stadium into a war zone before this match is done.



Waldo: Now he’s got a length of chain, and he’s whipping it against Kenzi’s back as she’s still tied up in the ropes!



Holden: KGL is in a bad way here, if she can’t get loose…



Waldo: That last shot from the chain gave her the motivation to pull herself from the ropes!



Holden: Dynamo moving around the ring now, he grabs another set of ring steps and tosses them into the ring.



Waldo: He’s finally getting back into the ring, where Kenzi is reeling from that chain attack.



Holden: He still has the chain, and he whips it at Kenzi, but she rolls out of the way!



Waldo: Dynamo continues whipping the chain out, trying to catch her with it, but Kenzi manages to roll up to her feet.



Holden: She catches the chain around her wrist and drags him into a back elbow.



Waldo: Kenzi whips the chain around as she steps behind him, and wraps it around his chest, using it for leverage as she lifts him into an overhead belly to back suplex!



Holden: Dynamo narrowly missed the edge of the ring steps with that landing.



Waldo: Here’s the cover.



Holden: Wa’! Cha’! Ghobe!



Waldo: Dynamo kicks out, but pulls Kenzi into a cradle.



Holden: He’s got the shoulders down, but Kenzi kicks out before the ref can count.



Waldo: Dynamo is up, and he drags Kenzi over to the ring steps.



Holden: He steps up to the top, and drops her on the steps with a DDT!



Waldo: As Kenzi falls out on the mat, Dynamo makes for the ropes.



Holden: If he pulls this off, that could be it for this qualifying match.



Waldo: As he’s getting into position, Kenzi stirs.



Holden: She grabs the ring steps and runs to slam them into the ringpost!



Waldo: Dynamo nearly lost his footing there, but managed to sit down before he tumbled to the outside.



Holden: Kenzi leaps onto the steps and jumps up for the One Hit Wonder!



Waldo: That sends Dynamo flying, and crashing through one of the tables!



Holden: Kenzi rolls out quickly, grabbing Dynamo and rolling him back into the ring.



Waldo: She whips him toward the ring steps, which catch him on the shins and drop him over the top.



Holden: Walk of Fame!



Waldo: Oh my god! A Walk of Fame on the ring steps! Kenzi with the cover…



Holden: Uno, duo… tre!



Waldo: Kenzi advances! With a little bit of a vicious side showing!



Holden: To be fair, it was Dynamo who insisted on dragging the match into chaos from the outset. Kenzi simply adapted.



Waldo: Well listeners, that’s all the Open matches for tonight, but join us tomorrow for the rest of the qualifying matches!



Holden: Break time!!



Waldo: Yes, we’re going to take a break before we tune in for the CTN special presentation! Be sure to come back at 6:50 PM!

[Jet Somers]

Waldo: Listeners, we have a special treat!



Holden: The main event has been cancelled?



Waldo: No, the CTN has supplied a live feed for the next segment!



Holden: Aren’t we on the radio? No one’s going to be able to see it.



Waldo: We’re on the internet, actually, but we’ll be supplying audio from the feed.



Holden: That sounds boring.



Waldo: Well, for those who are able to, you can view the feed by following the link in this episode description. For those who can’t, please listen in!



Holden: Since CTN is doing this, does that mean I can go on break?

[--static--] 

While WrestleStock ‘18 had started with a bang, the REAL main event attraction was dead center of the New Orleans City Park where the entirety of Day One was straight-up STOLEN by the BIGGEST celebration of #AllThingsCool that there has EVER been.

Crowd: COOL KIDS ROCK! COOL KIDS ROCK!

The Cool Kids, the foursome of fearsomeness that are too cool for school, are at the center of a massive gathering of UGWC fans. Leaner and meaner than ever before, the group consisting of Roxy Cotton, Angie Vaughn, and the Grey-Lacklans, Kenzi and Sarah, had spent all day being the heroes to the thousands of fans in attendance. There had been a plethora of adventures and exhibits for fans of the group to enjoy, including but not limited to:

 

- A fashion show featuring new Firestarter Brand Clothing from the mysterious and veiled LENA. Admission was free (obvs) but an extra charge was needed to attend the exclusive live cam show where Roxy showed off some of her new Candies.

  

- An autograph signing where fans can bring in their favorite Cool Kids merch for signatures and selfies. The longest lines were for Angie’s Obvsimous Vuvuzelas, copies of Kenzi’s All That Glitters blockbuster smash hit, copies of Sarah’s “Sarha” Profile Picture, and Maxine’s Drug Tests. Apparently, Roxy’s posters were still missing.

- The single most STACKED merch booth of ALL time. T-Shirts galore including “Please, Shit Up” “Bleed the World” “OBVS!” “XOXO” and “Real Recognizes Reel.” “I STAND WITH SARAH!” armbands. Roxy’s “I SIT WITH SARAH” armbands. Vaughimous vuvuzelas. Pedophile’s Candy and Guilty Pleasure CDs. All That Glitters and Blood Princess Bride on BluRay. “I ️ NY” kitty bandanas. “I Roxy” panties (with vibrating action!). And more!

- A behind-the-scenes look at the upcoming Cool Kids Role-Playing Game, “Keeping Up With the Cool Kids.” Special announcements were that Kalinda the Social Justice Warrior Dragon was an unlockable character, as well as “Wheelchair OF DOOM~! Sarah,” with pre-purchase. The booth showed in-game footage of your ability to take control of any of the Cool Kids and experience their zany lives through their point of view, as well as even put yourself into the game. In a surprise appearance which drew a massive pop from the crowd, Eden Morgan dropped by to talk about how much she loved working with the Cool Kids Games team for the motion-capture of her own character, as well as bringing Sarah a box of Darth Maul Cake Pops and a large vinyl balloon that said “World’s Favorite Niece.” She sure is a sweet lady.


- A LIVE PrincessTwilightSexyFang vlog where Sarah cut promos on everyone on the roster. And after much begging from the crowd, and purple-faced Kenzi did indeed give them a quick flash of her bare ass so that the experience was complete. Without question, the look in the starlet’s eyes as she looked at her spouse promised retribution later.


- A seminar hosted by the Leggy Blonde of Legend on how to be the BESTEST CatMom that there has ever been. Sarah tried to upstage her with a BunnyMom seminar, but to no avail. Unfortunately for two, they were BOTH upstaged when Sidney Grey showed up and put on a Momager seminar.


And finally, the GRANDE FINALE which had people willing to sell their children to baby-fever Sarah in order to purchase a ticket:

THE COOL KIDS VIDEO GAME TOURNAMENT

Still a work in progress, Circle Arcade Wrestling was a video game developed by Cool Kids Games, in conjunction with Dark Goddess Productions, mostly for the girls to fight over the World’s BEST Sentient Championship, the MEH Title. Many battles have been fought for the highly-regarded championship, a few times even live-tweeted by the belt (however THAT even works), with the title having changed hands a few times between Kenzi, Roxy, and Angie. After exhaustive hours doing mapping, the game now includes the Cool Kids, most of the Cincy Hit Girls LFL team roster, the sexual legend that is Generic Heel, the two “team moms” in Sid and Bordy, every single one of Kenzi’s ex-spouses, Roxy’s boyfriend “Never Give Up, Never Propose!” Vinny, Cthulhu, and in a shocking surprise to NO ONE at this stage, four different outfit choices for Eden Morgan.

While the game was available for anyone to play at the great number of kiosks, the true main event was the mini-tournament held by the UGWC Cool Kids. Drawing random numbers, the the semi-finals broke down to Angie vs. Sarah and Kenzi vs. Roxy.

- Angie vs. Sarah was a surprisingly spirited affair. The game showed how true to life it had been developed, as Angie’s entrance included vuvuzelas, an “OBVS!” chant, and the “Kitty Section,” the group of people most dedicated to the blonde giantess. Likewise, Sarah’s entrance included her coming to the ring wearing one of her 27 different Firestarter robes, accompanied by THE HAWTEST valet of all time, Kenzi, wearing a #TeamKickass tshirt, and the, let’s face it, pretty gross disrobing routine they are known for in the middle of the ring which was basically just a makeout session between the couple.

And it was on! Back and forth they fought, the blonde and the albino going at it. They traded chain wrestling. They traded strikes. They traded their big signature moves, each captured perfectly by the gaming engine. And as the fight on screen picked up in intensity, one could not help but notice that the fight off screen was growing, as well. The two girls growled at each other alot. The two shot each other dirty looks when big moves were hit. Smiles broke out when moves were reversed and countered.

Finally, Sarah went to the outside while the ref’s back was turned and she grabbed a chair. Sliding back into the ring, the ref saw it and took it from her, leaving her open. Angie seized the advantage!

1!

2!

3!

Angie: Well, I guess I had it in me after all.

Angie’s sideways look elicited a wide-eyed stare from Sarah.

Sarah: What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?!

Angie: mumblemumble Thanks for the pigeon grumblegrumble

Sarah: I am NOT going to apologize for TOUGH LOVE!

The two are quickly in each other’s face but Kenzi is suddenly there in between them, giving the crowd a nervous laugh as she raises Angie’s hand.

Kenzi: Give it up for both of our competitors!

Surprisingly dirty looks between Angie and Sarah are covered up by the roar of the crowd. Will we see fireworks from the dear friends if they face off in the WrestleStock Open?

- Kenzi vs. Roxy...never happened. It seems that Roxy got the schedule COMPLETELY wrong and had been showing up late all day for everything. She missed her autograph signing, having to send Maxine in her stead, leading to ridicule from members of the Court online. She showed up to an empty park at one point and then THAT made her late to her scheduled live expo on how to properly paint your toenails. Sar was PISSED about that one. In the end, Roxy was halfway across the fairgrounds when her match was to take place, so Kenzi was able to get to the finale uncontested.

- Kenzi vs. Angie became much more than just an exhibition. Kenzi, ever the proponent for fair play and righteousness no matter WHAT her wife said, decided to put the MEH Championship on the line, since she felt it was unfair that Angie had already had a match. We are told that the MEH Championship was beside itself with giddiness at the thought of once again being around the waist of the Vaughnemous Terror. Angie and Kenzi shared a pre-match handshake and hug, both saying “Let the best woman win!” much to the disgust of both Sar and the returning Roxy.

The two looked at each other and made sure to call each other “Stupid,” since they HATED when they agreed on something outside of the B.U.L.L.Y. Initiative.

And it was on!

Through subterfuge, Kenzi managed to once again retain her MEH Championship off a distraction caused by a mysterious wrestler, going only by the name Sarha, which left Angie none too pleased.  While Kenzi feigned ignorance, Sarah continued to needle Angie over not having what it takes.  This didn't sit very well with the leggy blonde as she tossed aside the controller and excused herself from the play booth.

As she walked away, Sarah pulled out a third controller she had hidden behind her back, a sly grin on her face as she did.  When Kenzi saw it, her mouth fell open and she folded her arms, giving her wife a stern stare.

Kenzi: Sarha, huh?  You know that wasn't right!  That's not tough love, that's being a jerk!

Sarah: Beloved, there is every chance that Angelica could win this entire tournament, but NOT if she isn't willing to go the extra mile or do what you or I are more than willing to do in order to achieve victory!

Kenzi stood up, handing her controller to an awe-struck kid who was waiting for a turn to test out the game for himself with a bunch of his friends. 

Kenzi: Baby, telling her that she doesn't have what it takes isn't the answer...and neither is cheating her out of a win. Yeah, Angie could win WrestleStock...but if she doesn't, it won't be because she didn't have what it takes. 

Kenzi sighed as she turned to follow after Angie, leaving Sarah to ponder her wife's words. Finally, she rolled her red eyes as she restarted the game, looking at the young boy holding the controller.

Sarah: Did you know that you could set people on fire in this game?  Here, let me show you...

[--static--] 

Waldo: Well, that was something else!



…



Waldo: Holden?



…



Waldo: Holden, what are you doing?



…



Waldo: HOLDEN!



Holden: Yes?



Waldo: What were you doing over there?



Holden: What do you mean?



Waldo: Nevermind. Let’s go to our last break before the main event. Come back at 8:45 PM!



Holden: That wasn’t the main event?



Waldo: No, Holden.

[Jet Somers]

 

Waldo: This is it, listeners, the main event is about to start!



Holden: Finally.



Waldo: Don’t get antsy yet, Holden. This battle is liable to go on for half the night!



Holden: So it’ll be half the length of one of their speeches?



Waldo: The bad blood between Necron and Le Bord de Dieu goes almost all the way back to the beginning of the year.



Holden: Necron gave a six hour speech that said naughty things about god, and Le Bord was triggered.



Waldo: That’s an oversimplification.



Holden: Oh right. Then Le Bord gave a nine hour speech about how much god turns her on, and Necron became one of those huffy internet atheist trolls.



Waldo: Holden, these are two up and coming UGWC Entertainment Professionals who have made their marks on the company in record time.



Holden: Scoff.



Waldo: Beyond that, their rivalry is complex, and has escalated slowly and disturbingly over the last couple of months.



Holden: Scoff.



Waldo: On one side of the coin, Le Bord has really come out of her reclusive nature that we saw when she first debuted, and has not only travelled around the country gathering followers through her charity, but she’s made it all the way back to Lacklanland, where she has infiltrated Lacklan Manor. Many see her as a messiah, but others worry that she’s developing a powerful cult.



Holden: The Path of Light. Definitely a cult.



Waldo: On the other side, Necron has been following her pilgrimage, causing destruction where she had offered salvation. He always seems to be in the shadow of Le Bord, even trying to cultivate vengeance from her extended family. Necron challenged Le Bord for the Chaos Championship at No Holds Barred in a Dragon’s Cave match, but ultimately came up short. However, he answered Le Bord’s open challenge at Massive Melee, earning a second chance by eliminating her from the Melee itself!



Holden: Great, can we get on with it then?



Waldo: They’re not quite ready to kick off the main event yet, but I have got an update on the surprise for the main event!



Holden: It has been canceled?



Waldo: No, Holden. Ichabod has decided to make this a Bring Your Own Weapon match… for the fans!



Holden: I see no possibility of that going wrong at all.



Waldo: Ichabod contacted several ticket holders yesterday and gave them the hot tip, then invited them bring their weapons to the event today.



Holden: How the hell were they allowed to bring weapons into the park?



Waldo: There was a secret security check where the weapons were checked in this morning. The DMW has held on to the weapons through the day, but those fans were able to pick them up as they entered the stadium. The selected fans have been placed in the first circle of seats around the ring, where they’re welcome to hand over their weapons to the competitors!



Holden: Well, let’s get to it.



Waldo: It’s not time yet, Holden.



Holden: Exaggerated sigh.



Waldo: During the last break, I was able to get out to the stadium and interview some of those lucky fans to find out what kind of weapons they’ve brought. I’ll play the audio while wait.

[--static--] 

Waldo: I’m here in Tad Gormley Stadium at ringside less than an hour from the Chaos Championship match! It has been an exciting and violent day here at New Orleans City Park, and we’re about to close out the first day of Wrestlestock with a Bring Your Own Weapons match! The fans are getting settled in, and we’re going to find out right now some of the weapons that will be available for the competitors. Pardon me sir, what have you brought to contribute?



Man 1: Well, I brought me my trusty tall boy Yeti cup!



Waldo: You brought a cup?



Man 1: Hey, looky here. This thing holds a full half gallon of beer, it’s got a strong handle, and it’s made of a double thickness of cold rolled steel, chief. This’ll put a goose egg on Neron’s big ol’ forehead!



Waldo: I see, alright, unique choice, thanks. Ma’am, what have you brought?



Woman: Um… well… I couldn’t think of anything on the spot. I just remembered I had these in the glovebox.



Waldo: Are those knitting needles?



Woman: Yes, dear. We drove all the way down from Idaho, and, um, I like to knit on long rides, you see.



Waldo: Who will you hand those to, if you get the chance?



Woman: Definitely Necron.



Waldo: Oh… alright. What do you have to offer the competitors, sir?



Man 2: Choo-kay!



Waldo: I’m sorry? Wait, is that a doll?



Man 2: Fookin’ Choo-kay!



Waldo: That’s the creepiest doll I’ve ever seen. Who are you going to hand that over to?



Man 2: Whichever gets to me first, aye?



Waldo: Hey there little girl, did you get to bring a weapon?



Girl: Mmm-hmm



Waldo: Can I see it?



Girl: Uh-uh.



Waldo: You sure? I just want to tell everyone what a great weapon you’ve decided to bring. Please?



Girl: I don’t want to show you.



Waldo: Alright, alright.

[--static--] 

Waldo: Sorry to interrupt, listeners, but you’ll have to find out what the rest of the weapons are when we do, because the main event is starting now!

Holden: That guy looks so familiar…



Waldo: Someone you used to know worked with him a long time ago.



Holden: PKA?



Waldo: Yes, actually. Amongst others.



Holden: I like his coat.



Waldo: It’s dirty. I’m pretty sure that’s grave dirt.



Holden: I mean, it can be cleaned. The cut is nice.



Waldo: Whatever you say. Necron is preemptively reaching into the crowd where an old man hands him his walker!



Holden: I see no downside to that choice.



Waldo: That man wasn’t in the select row…



Holden: Then he should have moved back.



Waldo: Necron makes his way into the ring to wait for his prey.



Holden: I don’t think Necron prays, to be honest.



Waldo: No, I mean “prey”, like he’s stalking his prey.



Holden: Then you should have spelled it differently.



Waldo: I… what?



Richard: ALL RISE FOR THE QUEEN OF RED’S PROCESSIONAL! ALL HAIL THE QUEEN!

Holden: Holy crap…



Richard: THE QUEEN OF RED REQUESTS THAT ALL RISE FOR THE PLAYING OF THE LACKLANLAND NATIONAL ANTHEM!

Waldo: Well, this is… extensive.



Holden: The orchestra is good.



Waldo: I thought you’d be annoyed by the length of this processional.



Holden: I am.



Waldo: Bear with us, listeners. This looks like it’s going to go on for a bit.



Holden: So… who do you think is going to win the hip hop awards?



Waldo: …



Holden: …



Waldo: …



Holden: …



Sidney: I don’t even know who’s up for it.



Waldo: That may have been the most elaborate entrance I’ve ever seen.



Holden: Were those Hastings’ burly men, or did she get her own?



Waldo: I have no idea, but Le Bord looks ready to go, never taking her smiling eyes off of Necron as she holds out her left hand expectantly.



Holden: At least twelve weapons are suddenly thrust forward as the fans scramble to assist the Queen of red.



Waldo: She closes her hand around a golf club, then begins to march toward the ring.



Holden: Necron is slowly beckoning her, his snarl looking hungry.



Waldo: Necron suddenly hurls the walker at Le Bord, who bats it away with the club.



Holden: The blow bent the club, but Le Bord avoided being mangled by that walker.



Waldo: It diverted her attention enough for Necron to slip from the ring and rush at her.



Holden: Clobbers her with forearm smashes, driving her relentlessly against the barricade.



Waldo: Necron isn’t letting up, he’s just pounding as he’s got her bent over the barrier.



Holden: Waldo… word choice..



Waldo: Necron is smacked across the back with an artist’s easel!



Holden: That breaks up the attack as the Grim Harvester turns to glare a the fan.



Waldo: He yanks the easel away and tosses it aside as he growls at the fan.



Holden: I have a feeling we’re not going to see that fan again after tonight.



Waldo: Necron returns to the easel and sets it up in the walkway. Righting the canvas, he surveys it for a moment, then bites down on his palm?



Holden: He grabs one of the Path of Light posters from a fan and slams it against the canvas, then swipes his bloody palm against it.



Waldo: The Path of Light faithful in the crowd are not happy.



Holden: Going back to Le Bord, he drags her up by the hair and whips her toward the easel.



Waldo: Le Bord reverses! Necron smashes into the easel!



Holden: Well, that’s matchsticks now.



Waldo: Le Bord breathes heavily, fists clenching and unclenching as she stares at the defaced symbol of her church.



Holden: Another fan hands her a life-sized doll…



Fan: FOOKIN’ CHOO-KAY!



Holden: That things about four feet tall and looks like it ate every creepy insect from the Chambers of Fun match earlier.



Waldo: That smile, the uncanny valley of it’s eyes… haunting.



Holden: Le Bord grabs it by the feet and begins swinging it overhead, smashing its heavy head against Necron until it falls to pieces.



Waldo: Necron scoots away, then reaches a massive arm into the crowd and drags a teenaged boy over the barrier.



Holden: The boy has a lawn dart in each hand, and Necron grabs him by the nape of the neck and begins swinging him at Le Bord!



Waldo: His arms are flailing uncontrollably, those darts coming dangerously close to the Chaos Champ!



Holden: Le Bord reaches out to the fans, but one of the darts catches her in the right shoulder, burying itself all the way to the hilt!



Waldo: Bordy collapses and rolls away, kicking at Necron’s knees as she gets just outside the range of the other dart.



Holden: The big man falls to one knee, dropping the terrified teen in the process.



Waldo: Before he can escape Necron’s clutches, the Harvester wrenches the other lawn dart out of his hand and swings at Le Bord.



Holden: At the last second, and fan leans over and passes her… YES! YES! YES!



Waldo: It’s actually a chandelier, listeners. I think Holden is beside himself.



Holden: Le Bord uses it to fend of the swinging dart, then suddenly thrusts it forward, trapping Necron’s arm.



Waldo: She springs up and leaps over him, bringing the chandelier crashing down on his head, his arm still tangled in it!



Holden: Another fan gives her a cast iron skillet, and she starts wailing on Necron and the chandelier!



Waldo: Dozens of shards of glass are flying, and being smashed against the Harvester. His face is a crimson mask!



Holden: Grabbing one of the hoops of the chandelier, she heaves Necron to his feet, then spins around twice before releasing him to crash into the security barrier.



Waldo: Le Bord pauses to extract the dart from her shoulder, but Necron suddenly explodes in a rage, tearing apart the chandelier as he comes to his feet.



Holden: A little old lady hands him a pair of knitting needles, which he places between his middle and ring fingers, as he makes a fist with each hand.



Waldo: He advances with these makeshift punching daggers, but Le Bord quickly reaches out to a little girl, who hands her a spray can and a lighter.



Holden: Le Bord ignites the spray, and lights Necron up!



Waldo: Necron has been set on fire!



Holden: Le Bord climbs up on the ring apron and leaps, but Necron catches her!



Waldo: His clothes are aflame, but he’s not ready to stop fighting!



Holden: He’s got those knitting needles, and as he’s holding her bodily in his left arm, he goes to punch at her face with the other.



Waldo: Le Bord catches his wrist with both hands, and a contest of strength begins as he’s trying to force it toward her face.



Holden: Those flames are spreading, and now they’ve begun to lick at Le Bord’s clothes as well!



Waldo: Le Bord manages to get a knee up between them, and shoves him away, thrusting herself back.



Holden: She hits the ring apron with that injured shoulder and falls in a heap at ringside.



Waldo: Necron fell against the Chilean announce table, and now it’s aflame!



Holden: Necron patting himself out with his bare hands, he seems to have lost the needles and is now reaching out to a fan.



Waldo: The fan seems hesitant, but with a stern look, she gives up what she’s holding.



Holden: What is that?



Waldo: I think it’s one of those tire shredder strips that the highway patrol puts out to stop car chases.



Holden: Oh god…



Waldo: On the other side of the ring, Le Bord is stumbling toward the barrier, clutching her bleeding shoulder as her arm hangs limply.



Holden: Risking security, a little boy jumps over the railing and offers her a pair of tasers.



Waldo: She accepts them just before the boy is whisked back to his parents.



Holden: Necron has entered the ring and is spreading the strip out across the mat.



Waldo: Le Bord bravely climbs the steps, gingerly stepping into the ring.



Holden: The two of them stare each other down, this time it’s Necron smiling confidently while Le Bord fixes him with a grim stare.



Waldo: The image of Necron smiling will haunt me forever.



Holden: After a tense moment, Le Bord runs at him with the tasers, leaping over the strip as she goes.



Waldo: Necron tries for a big boot, but Le Bord slides under, coming up behind him to shove both tasers into the small of his back.



Holden: Necron convulses, but doesn’t go down.



Waldo: Le Bord screams in rage as she continues to pump the volts into him.



Holden: Necron goes to his knees, but is still fighting to stay up as his arms jut out at strange angles from the amps pumping through him.



Waldo: Le Bord can only keep the pressure up for so long though, and her bad shoulder begins to falter.



Holden: That taser falls away, her arm falling numb by her side.



Waldo: That throws her off balance enough for Necron to move and break the current.



Holden: He turns, grabbing her by the throat.



Waldo: Look at the smoke coming from the back of his shirt!



Holden: I don’t know if that’s from being set on fire earlier, or because Le Bord just fried his vertebrae.



Waldo: It smells awful… why isn’t anyone putting out the Chilean announce table??



Holden: He brings up his other hand and wraps both firmly around her neck in a double choke, then thrusts her to the mat with a thunderous sit-out chokeslam that rattles the ropes!



Waldo: Bordy's eyes roll into her head and she might be out cold!



Holden: Necron grins as he sees the opportunity he's been looking for all night finally come to fruition.



Waldo: He grabs a fistful of Bord's blonde locks and drags her limp frame to her feet, her knees buckling and her body sagging in his grip.



Holden: With authority he drapes Le Bord's arm over his own neck and drags a thumb across his throat to signal the oncoming move – setting the champion up for his devastating Judgment Day finisher.



Waldo: Just as Necron begins to lift Le Bord's helpless carcass into the move, the lights in the arena start to splash and strobe with purple, throbbing colors.



Holden: Necron drops Avaline into a heap and turns around, his eyes turning into slits and his head cocking to the side.



Waldo: The vivacious and bodacious form of the former UGWC Co-Operative Champion, the Bubblegum Bombshell Roxy Cotton emerges from backstage and starts strutting to ringside with a look of intensity on her face. In her hands is a long-stemmed red rose.



Holden: Necron continues to stare quizzically at the interloper intruding on his match, completely ignoring Le Bord de Dieu as she starts to stir, coughing and gasping for air on the mat behind his boots.



Waldo: Roxy makes her way all the way to the ring and flashes a bright smile up at the Grim Harvester, then climbs the ring steps and enters between the ropes, bending down low in her glittering ring gear to hoots and hollers from the frothing crowd.



Holden: She walks up to Necron and says something while staring up into his dark eyes, something inaudible to us, but that gives the big man pause.



Waldo: Necron seems taken aback by the blonde's advance, backing up a step as she moves closer to him, raising her arms to present the rose to him.



Holden: He takes the flower, looking at it with confusion as Roxy continues to stare up at him...



Waldo: The #CoolKid stretches her neck upward, stands on her tip toes, places the Harvester's face between her palms... and kisses him deeply on the mouth!



Holden: Oh god…



Waldo: The crowd is silent in shock as Roxy Cotton, the most brazen sexpot on the roster, locks lips with Necron for what feels like a full minute before letting him go and walking away with a giggle.



Holden: She’s wiping away the smudged lipstick on her face with the back of her hand and exiting the ring with a coquettish wave.



Waldo: What the hell was that about… Le Bord! Le Bord has jumped onto Necron’s back!



Holden: She’s got his head in her hands, here it comes…



Waldo: L'étreinte de Dieu!!



Holden: She drops off his back, but Necron turns his head quickly, popping his neck as if putting it right back into place.



Waldo: It can’t be!



Holden: He rounds on Le Bord, her eyes wide with shock and disbelief.



Waldo: He grabs her, yanking her in…



Holden: The Cruelest Cut onto the tire shredder!



Waldo: Necron drops to one knee, placing a palm on her chest as the referee counts.



Holden: Min! Tad! Nel!



Waldo: Necron has done it! Necron is the Chaos Champion!



Holden: Yeah, but he barely notices the ref handing him the belt as he stares at where Roxy exited just a few moments ago, an intense look on his face.



Waldo: That’s simply unreadable, I can’t imagine what’s going through his head right now.



Holden: He knows how Roxy tastes now. I’d imagine he’s trying to decide what kind of wine to eat her with.



Waldo: The damn Chilean Announce Table is still burning, the crowd is going insane, but it’s time for us to wrap it up.



Holden: Oh god, finally. We’re not doing this tomorrow, Waldo.



Waldo: Why not?



Holden: Are you kidding me? I missed a victrola convention to be here. I’m not giving up another day to listen to you gush over a bunch of tag teams.



Waldo: Cooperative teams.



Holden: Yeah, I’m not doing this.



Waldo: Well, listeners, thank you for tuning in to the Jan Wnek Memorial Radiocast for Day One of Wrestlestock! I’ll still be here tomorrow whether Holden is or not, so join me at 9 AM when the gates open for Day Two: The Cooperative Championship!



Holden: Scoff.

[Jet Somers]

Results:

Necron 7.40
Le Bord de Dieu 7.22

UGWC CHAOS CHAMPIONSHIP
By the Numbers


Total Champions
34
(42 Total Reigns)


First Champion
5/3/2010
(Jet Somers)


Most Reigns
3
(Abigail Knight, Erika Langford, Travis Pierce)


Longest Individual Reign
224
(Chaos)


Longest Combined Reign
448
(Ichabod)


Times Titles Have Changed Hands at Wrestlestock
9
(2013 {3 Times}, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018)

Special Thanks to the CTN crew for their contribution and Brit for the Day One graphics.