Post by cooltubesource on Sept 28, 2018 17:26:11 GMT -5
“The hell is THIS horseshit?!”
Ichabod and Chaos looked up at one another with eyes wide in a mixture of shock, terror, horror, and helplessness, as Covert Jay rolls a 20 on his Hide In Plain Sight skill check and ninjas away to safety. Their reckoning had come. The end of their world had come. There would be no greater pain in their lives than this moment. In fact, if you took every bit of pain they had ever experienced, every crash from their childhood, every bump from their training, every deathmatch in Chaos matches, and every single pain they would have in the rest of their lives, combined it, multiplied it by some ridiculous mathematical process employed by Kem in her sad and pathetic attempts to find the validation of her peers, and then multiplied THAT number by, like, infinity, they STILL wouldn’t have more pain than they knew they were about to experience:
The Vampire of Lacklanland had come for them.
Flanked by several members of the Legion of Unpaid Interns, Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan, known by her maiden name of Sarah Lacklan in a professional manner, was every inch of the Blood Princess on this day. Well, all 62 inches of her, anyway. Bitch is short. The albino’s platinum hair was pulled into a set of braids so intricate that it no doubt took 3 of herservants employees several hours to get just right, and her pale face, of a color which could only be called “kissed by the moonlight from a Winter Solstice that 27 virgins prayed over,” featured her distinctive black eyeliner “wings” and lips painted ruby red to match the way her irises flashed in the light. Every inch of the Ball of Rage was covered in green silks, the quality of which was painstakingly achieved by breeding 17 generations of purebred moths from a region in China so remote that it took one 3 days to traverse by donkey, all of which had been lovingly tailed to fit her particular curves. She waves a short cane in her hand, a beautiful black affair that shines in the light and is topped by a pigeon’s proud head made of a dull platinum, because of course it is, and her terribly beautiful face is contorted in anger.
“Mrs. Grey-Lacklan, we-”
“This is INCONCEIVABLE!”
She neither knew nor cared who spoke, so complete was her rage. She puts out out of her perfectly manicured hands and one of the Legion hands her a small thin box, the words “UGWC 2k19” emblazoned on the front, as well as the smiling mug of the Creative Director, Lord Hastings, swimming in a bathtub filled with peeled grapes.
“I will have one of my nameless interns prepare paperwork to SUE my current employer if this GHASTLY GRIEVANCE is not dealt with IMMEDIATELY!”
She points at one of the interns, who just happens to be incredibly pretty, with curves that look quite pleasing in her pantsuit, like every other member of the Legion. Well, except for that ONE plain-looking boy Kenzi made her hire because of that cute-as-FUCK Asian intern. Wives were the WORST. She then gets right into the faces of the two much taller UGWC Chill officials, and though she is infinitely smaller than they, the two shrink away from her rage.
“How DARE this occur?! How DARE you let this happen?! HOW DARE YOU, GOOD SIRS!”
She shoves the video game under the nose of Chaos.
“JUST HOW DRUNK WERE YOU?!”
She turns to Ichabod, her eyes lowering into slits which streamed out danger.
“And YOU!”
She steps up closer to Ichabod, her face at his chest, but nevertheless the bigger force of personality by far.
“YOU! YOU should know BETTER!”
“We-”
“It is a crime against NATURE that I was not included on the official roster for this year’s video game. A CRIME, DO YOU HEAR ME!”
“Sarah, we-”
“I don’t CARE if I wasn’t exactly ‘active’ when the roster was finalized! I don’t CARE how completely reasonable and logical me not being included is. I don’t CARE about how, lets face it, me being on the cover would have been a difficult thing to do at the time it was created. YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN I WOULD BE BACK IN TIME!”
She squints at Ichabod.
“Especially you! You were LITERALLY one of the THREE GODDAMN PEOPLE who knew I was rehabbing for the melee! Just my Beloved wife, my creative director...AND MY BENEFACTOR!”
She slams the cane down onto the ground. Unfortunately for Ichabod, the end happened to find his foot.
“OWIE!”
The puppetmaster hops up and down on his foot, his face contorted into comic pain, looking as if someone else was pulling his strings for once. Sarah turns around and takes in every person working in the mobile home attached to the UGWC Home Office in Chicago that Monsieur Ooley allowed the Chill staff to use, and casts her angry gaze at them all.
“It is RIDICULOUS that I...the Firestarter...the Blood Princess...She Who FUCKING GLITTERS...was left off the 2k19 UGWC video game! And! AND! Not only is every OTHER member of the Cool Kids on the playable roster...you included both a sober and effective Lucy Wylde...AND her ‘Do you know who I am?!’ drunken alternative attire? NOT COOL!”
She turns back to Chaos and Ichabod.
“But! Oh, holy hell BUT! I have prepared for you a way to rectify this HEINOUS GRIEVANCE.”
She claps her hands together and the Legion moves into action. Two of them bring forth a pulldown screen on a tripod, another brings in a leather bag, and still two more bring chairs. Two insanely cute girls help Chaos and the limping Ichabod take their seats who another two unnecessarily attractive young women set up and pull down the white canvas screen. The fifth girl, this one with blazing red hair who is, you guessed it, curvy and soft on the eyes, opens the leather bag and produces a laptop and several pieces of equipment, including a projector. Before long, the men behind Chill are seated and ready to witness a slide show presentation.
Somewhere across time and space, Kenzi Grey groans and shakes her head.
“Now!”
Sarah snaps her pigeon-headed can against her hand and makes everyone jumps.
“In today’s modern video games, seemingly HALF the content is left out of the game and available for download later on, at sometimes shocking cost. And it is MY sermision, and the point of this 50-slide presentation-”
Everyone in the room groans in dismay, including Kenzi across the space/time continuum.
“-that not only SHOULD we offer this ‘downloadable content,’ but if you wish to make INSANE amounts of profits, there is only ONE way to market it:”
She points to the screen with her cane.
“SLIDE ONE!”
With her screeched command, one of the Legion kills the light of the room and the blank screen flares to life to show the single most beautiful person in the long history of people:
Sarah giggles to herself.
“I love that photo set. I totes look like an elf.”
She turns back to Ichabod and Chaos.
“That’s right, ME! Not only put ME in the downloadable content, but make me both the CENTERPIECE of the content and the NEW face of the whole damned game! After all, hashtag Eyes On Me!”
Both Ichabod and Chaos look at one another, both unsure of what to say.
“Well, um, you see-”
“Now, you two are probably wondering which VERSION of me to make the newest focal point of the game. After all, both 2017 Sar and 2018 Sar are equally hawttastic, which is the newest hashtag Thing, by bee tee dubs. But! I have that covered for you!”
She turns back to the screen.
“Why choose between them...when you can have ALL OF THEM?! NEXT SLIDE!!”
The screen changes and, as the office workers take in what they are witnessing, a silence so great that even that moment before God snapped reality into existence is jealous for its depth of awe.
“Gentlemen, I bring you SIX DIFFERENT VERSION OF ME!”
Over the course of the next hour, Sarah takes her captive audience through 20 different slides detailing:
Cheerleader Sarah: Sporting the cheerleading costume of Lacklanland Private High School (“GOOOooooooooOOOOOO VIKINGS!!”), this 17-year-old version of Sarah is just months away from graduating as Valedictorian and with, like, 7 letters on her jacket. Her moveset is limited, with not much more than basic wrestling holds, but the glimpses of her power are seen, as she has been powerlifting for three full years. This version of Sarah is the most popular person in school, was both Homecoming AND Prom Queen, and well on her way to becoming the marketing genius she is known for today.
Valet Sarah: Wearing FAR too much makeup and a black and red robe the envy of every Hot Topic customer, this version of Sarah was famous throughout Texas for being the valet of her father, Jean-Paul, in his last run as a wrestler. 18-years-old and already causing trouble, this version of Sarah includes FAR more moves taught to her by world champion wrestler Nikita Dolore, as well as a vial of a rival’s blood she wears around her neck.
2017 Sarah: “Fight the world across the world!” was the cry of Sarah in her rookie year. UGWC fans know this woman very well, as the 19-year-old was confusing wrestlers left and right as she employed a variety of moves and tactics, as well as finishing them off with both the Abyss reverse DDT and her trainer's finisher, the Hail Mary flying rear naked choke.
Wedding Day Sarah: Her wedding was attended by more bodies than one could imagine, and was a day of celebration of the Grey-Lacklan union from beginning to end. Their dresses were the talk of legend, with the albino Sarah wearing black and the caramel-skinned Kenzi wearing white, a show of their love and promise to share. Unfortunately, her moveset includes the finisher “What happened when the lights went out!” and is unsuitable for younger players.
Napped and Capped: Wheelchair-bound Sarah is who the Coalition met via video feed at Horizons following her infamous domestic accident. While this version is still insanely attractive, even despite the new glasses, and has a new special move called "The Pigeon Post," she is only available as a manager or valet.
2018 Sarah: This green and silk-clad Sarah is focused and determined. She has pared down her moveset to include more kicks and submissions, and switched out the Hail Mary for the Pigeonwing crossface chickenwing submission, which relies less on needing to “fly” around her opponent’s body. Unfortunately, the heavy-duty leg braces are not removable.
“And that’s not all!”
Sarah turns back to Chaos and Ichabod, who snap awake with such speed that Sarah missed how their eyes were glazed over at the lengthy presentation.
“Along with all of these version of me to push and hype, there are even MORE! Thanks to the coolio team at Cool Kids Gaming, we have GIMMICK version of me for all the kids to play!”
She turns back around and points at the screen with her cane.
“SLIDE TWENTY THREE!”
The Great Miko: An entrant into the failed Masked League to be held by FIW, the Great Miko was a mysterious figure which made friends and foes run for the proverbial hills. Features of this version of Sar include weird promotional videos no one understands, as well as her rare Poison Mist finisher.
Darth Sarah: While her Beloved was into the COMPLETELY INFERIOR Star Track nonsense, Sar found herself drawn to the Sith of Star Wars, much to the surprise of nobody, just like how no one was surprised that she tested into Slytherin on Pottermore with a score of 99.7%. This version of Sar includes sweet-looking mini lightsabers, as well as a “Princess Leia” option that makes Kenzi switch sides in the great Star Wars vs. Star Track battle so fast that you can’t even say the name Seven of Nine fast enough.
Dread Pirate Sarah: While the Dread Pirate made her on-screen debut as part of Angelica Vaughn’s Outlast promotional video (“CRAWW! At me, you hoes!”), the REAL debut of the Dread Pirate was a night so obscene that even Amy Jo Smythe blushed at the story. This version of Sarah includes a killer entrance costume and a finisher called “Swab my deck, cabin girl!”
Light Incarnate: Have you ever wondered what would have happened if Sarah and Kenzi had not met in December of 2016? What path would Sarah have gone if she was not so fully immersed in a world so different from the religious compound she grew up on? Play THIS version of Sarah to experience an entrance filled with Minion soldiers and where she wields a large two-handed maul named “The Knocker.”
Albino Kenzi: So, NO ONE knows about it, because Sarah had EVERY PICTURE DELETED, but there was this ONE TIME where Sarah let Kenzi “get her hair did” at HER salon instead of by one of her handmaidens. What resulted was long braids of platinum blonde hair and her smoking curves jammed into a pair of Kenzi’s wrestling attire. The bottoms were loose (because of Kenzi’s sweet booty) but the top was so tight that Sar’s “double-breasted pigeons” were in constant danger of falling out.
Merry Christmas, Kenzi: Wonder what Christmas is like in the Grey-Lacklan household? Exactly as depraved as you might expect. Play as THIS version of Sarah to get a glimpse at a future Claire’s Sex Shoppe purchase!
“And that’s NOT all!”
Sarah turns around after another hour and another excruciatingly-detailed two dozen slides, but this time Ichabod and Chaos are not fast enough to snap back to attention.
“What the hell is wrong?! My slideshows are EPIC as well as informative! Why-”
She sees them pass a strange look between themselves.
“What is it? Out with it!”
“Well...erm…”
They share another look.
“We already have a new face for the DLC content.”
Sar’s face falls.
“What?! WHO?!”
Chaos shrugs and Ichabod grimaces. He pulls out his phone, a SWEET Windows device, and pulls up the cover of the upcoming DLC:
“WHAT?!”
Sarah’s face is pure shock and astonishment. After the question, her mouth opens and closes several times as her eyes move back and forth between the smoldering Cynric and the faces of Chaos and Ichabod, purely apoplectic.
“We think he’s a GREAT option.”
Sarah’s jaw continues to work soundlessly.
“He’s SO handsome!”
Sarah screams.
When most people scream, it is a sound of frustration or angst. But those close to Sarah, friends, enemies, employees, know that Sarah doesn’t just scream: She screeches. High-pitched, ear-splitting, decibel record-setting. With hands in fists and clutching her skirts, with eyes slammed shut so hard that her whole face is turning read, Sarah lets loose a keen so painful to the ear that even the infamous Banshee of Irish lore must pause a moment for quiet reflection and appreciation. Men and women all throughout the small mobile home clutch their ears in pain, some falling to the floor as they are on the edge of consciousness.
“HE HASN’T BEEN BOOKED IN TWO YEARS!”
Sarah’s yell is as loud and booming as her screech’s pitch was high.
“I WAS IN THE FINAL THREE OF THE MELEE...IN THE FINALS OF WRESTLESTOCK...DOMINATED KEM ON CHILL...WAS THE LAST PERSON STANDING IN MY OUTLAST TEAM FOR A SECOND YEAR IN A ROW...AND HAVE WON TWO OUT OF MY THREE COOPERATION TITLE MATCHES!”
Her foot stomps on the ground as she vocally flails about, the vision of rage-filled petulance. Ichabod and Chaos have tears in their eyes, their faces nearly melting off like they had opened the Ark, and are covering their ears with their hands. Sarah offers another scream before she angrily stomped out of the building.
“I CANNOT EVEN RIGHT NOW OH EM GEE I NEED A CIGARETTE”
The door slams shut, the room turned into chaos, and the Chill office staff begin to pick themselves up from the whirling tornado that is Sarah Lacklan.
Sarah breathes a sigh of relief as the smoke rises back out of her throat, out her pursed lips, and into the air before her. Two spent butts lay at the feet encased in stiletto heels encrusted with tiny rubies that match her eyes, and her third cigarette was nearing its end. Her gaze took in the cloudy Chicago sunlight and tried to calm herself. While she had been traveling all across the world, first as the only child of a professional wrestler and then as one herself, she was only really used to the extremities of climates that Maine and Southern California had to offer, and this kinda-sorta in the middle weather that Chicago offered was always difficult for her to adjust to. She had come to think of the Coalition as her “home” fed, regardless of her start in Las Vegas for the defunct FSociety and Fucking Awesome groups, but she still hadn’t warmed up to the company’s home base.
“Can I bum a cig?”
Sarah turned her head and took in Ichabod. The man with the shining head had exited the glorified mobile home that was the Chill head office and come to join her on the ledge she was sitting on, her dress flared out so as not to get the silks dirtied. She reached into her purse, taking a moment to pet the dwarf bunny who lived in there, and pulled out the pack of Coffin Nails. She offered it to him, but upon seeing the brand, he shook his head. She shrugged her shoulders and popped out her next cigarette as he sat down beside her.
“Thought you were going to quit?”
She growled around her cigarette.
“No need, now.”
No need to quit. No need to vape. No need to worry about how her decisions would affect-
“How ya doin, Kid?”
He sounded tired to her. She knew the feeling. Even when she was in the chair, it felt like the world never stopped, and she was constantly moving. And right this second, she wanted nothing more. Move. Fight. Act. Don’t think.
“Shitty.”
There was no reason to lie to Ichabod. The puppet master knew more than almost any other person. An awkward silence hung before them as Sarah finished off her cigarette and, with a practiced move, struck a match to flame and had her fourth Coffin Nail smoking.
“Sorry to hear what happened on Friday.”
So was she. She felt it deep within her. She had been consumed with having a baby for many months, consumed with the need and want to grow her family with Kenzi and to produce an heir for her land. But now-
“...damnit…”
She couldn’t stop the tear that streaked down her cheek and cut a swath of damage through her makeup. She had cried nonstop after her doctor told her about not being able to have children. Only the thrill of fighting at Outlast, of getting to fight with Lucy again, had brought her out of a three-day daze. She wiped away the tear as it fell from her pointed chin.
“...next subject…”
Silence fell between them again.
“So...Cynric…”
Sarah gave him one of her famously exaggerated eyerolls.
“It’ll be a blast, I’m sure.”
He gives her a chuckle.
“You know anything about him?”
Another patented eyeroll turns into a “Duh” look.
“I’m the encyclopedia, remember? It’s kinda my thing.”
She takes a drag of her cigarette and slowly lets the smoke out.
“It was a tenant of my father’s, ya know. He firmly believed in heavy research and understanding not just your opponent, but their place in the company, and in the business as a whole.”
She cleared her throat, dropped her jaw, and spoke in a deep voice with a Mainer accent hinted with Cajun “r” sounds.
“If we are to destroy the present so that we may change the future, Daughter, we must understand the past.”
She coughed away the pain from doing the affected voice.
“That’s why i am so good at it. Pounded into me from before I could even walk. Research. Interpretation. Analysis. Prediction. Its why Ava is so good at it, too.”
Ichabod gives her a sideways look as she blows out another billow of smoke.
“Is that crazy chick really your stepmom?”
Sarah growled around her cigarette again.
“...yes…”
She takes a deep drag and lets it out with a groan.
“I always figured she was just one of his many...many...whores. But then I saw the paperwork.”
She shakes her head.
“Next subject.”
Ichabod can’t hold back his grin over the fact that Sarah’s father had, apparently, nailed himself a bit of a trophy wife in Bordy, who was less than a decade older than his daughter.
“So, what are your plans for Chill?”
Sarah gives him a nonchalant shrug.
“Murder Cynric.”
He blinks.
“Murder-”
“I AM GOING TO FUCKING MURDER HIM!”
Ichabod jumps as Sarah turns toward him, her sharp face pulled into angry angles. WIth her face of fury, eyes that flash red in the light, and the smoke from her cigarette clouding around her head, she looked like a dragon from a cautionary tale.
“That is what I DO, Ichabod!”
She suddenly popped up off her rear and began to pace back and forth on the ledge, her heeled boots clacking on the granite, her hands flailing in the air, cigarette in one, her cane in the other.
“That is what I have done every moment of every DAY since becoming a wrestler! And that is something that every fool who believes in the shorthand speech-using vlogger falls for, the silly girl who only bullies people online. And then...BLAM!”
She slams the end of the cage onto the ledge, the rapport of the blow echoing.
“Lights out! Just ask Kem Dynamo, who walked into Chill thinking that she was going to rise up as some hero against the dastardly, cowardly villain. And what happened to her? She ran into the fucking WALL that is the Blood Princess. Just ask Eden and Jet, who never thought in a million YEARS that they would lose their Cooperation Championships to the silly vlogger and her ‘pet’ Kenzi. And what happened to them? Lights out! New champions. Hell, go all the way back to Battleground last year when the same happened to Lucy! BLAM! Into the Abyss she went!”
She stopped and spun on Ichabod, towering over the sitting man, her cane pointed at his head.
“THAT Is why you have been impacting my career. THAT is why you have been whispering in darkened corners to people of influence. THAT is why my name never faded into obscurity when I had to limp away. Because the effect I have on this business is everlasting. Because what I do...the chaos I cause...can NEVER go unnoticed. Because NO ONE who fights me is EVER the same again.”
She suddenly giggles, a thin sound when heard through the veil of her fake Londoner accent.
“Very much NOT like Cynric.”
She turns and begins pacing again, and Ichabod wisely holds his tongue about how much she resembled her hated “Step-Mumsie” right that second.
“I have met SO MANY people like Cynric in the last few years that he is so everyday that he might as well be posting THOT pics on Twitter! Oh, I know he THINKS he is special. I know he THINKS that he is so goddamn UNIQUE, what with his dashing good looks, unyielding smolder, and a bard to sing his praises-”
She stops suddenly, her face’s anger melting into thoughtfulness.
“Ya know, having a bard around to sing my praises WOULD be pretty cool. And not just those times when its cosplay night and my Beloved and I dress up as Thespina and the Vampire Queen.”
She reaches into the folds of her dress and pulls out a clunky phone. It took her several tries to bring up the audio memo app, because there was a very good reason why Windows stopped making phones, but she was far too proud to admit it to her friends.
“Note to self: Ask Intern #42 if she knows anyone who can write songs about my adventures. But only if she’s an 8. I will NOT accept another 7 after that DEBACLE with Intern #79!”
She puts her phone back into her dress and turns to Ichabod.
“Intern #42 is the one who only responds in pretty bad haiku. I figure if anyone knows a bard, it would be her.”
Ichabod rolls his eyes in a modestly successful impression of his newest protege as she turns away from him to continue pacing. Sarah’s Legion of Interns had grown lately to not just tweet what she dictated, but to begin to show their own distinct personalities as they interpreted her whims. Everyone’s favorite intern thus far was #172, who only responded with gifs, which had shown the shocking amount of Angie-gifs Sarah had made recently.
“But Chauncey aside, Cynric is legitimately no better than a vast majority of the other people in this sport. You see, when he first showed up in 2015, he got off to a big start. Three wins in a row! Including a triple threat debut including a CERTAIN person. Not that I would have ANY idea what THAT is like.”
She shot him a wink before she turned around to head in the opposite direction again. In an odd coincidence, both Cynric and Sarah had debut matches in the Coalition in triple threat matches which included Ichabod. Cynric had pinned PKA for his debut victory, and Ichabod had quite blatantly stepped back and allowed Sarah to maul Rey Lobo in her own. It would later be revealed that Ichabod had taken such an interest in Sarah’s potential as an agent of Chaos that he wanted to watch first hand at what she could do.
He liked what he saw.
“But then he ran into the thing that SO MANY SHITTY WRESTLERS DO! They burst onto the scene, right, and everyone is all, ‘OH EM GEE! YOU ARE SO AMAZING!’ and they can’t figure out how to beat them, right? So, they go on a tear and win matches because people can’t get in their head, but then one day...BLAM!”
She slams her cane into the ledge as she turns to head back toward Ichabod.
“Someone figures it out. Someone sees through their shit and does enough interpretation to see what his next move is. And in the case of Cynric? It was Jesse Williams at the first WrestleStock Open. Kinda interesting that Cynric’s downfall would begin at the event which would become so important to my rise. Anyway, after that? GONE! Ghosted, as we would say these days. Oh, sure, he came back at the ULTIMATE CLUSTERFUCK that was To Be Determined...MAN, you guys must have been on freakin’ ACID when you thought THAT one up...but he just wasn’t the same. Hey, do you watch boxing?”
The sudden change of direction and change caught Ichabod off guard.
“Um...I guess?”
“So, I like all kinds of fighting arts history, right? And there was this boxer WAY back in the day, like WAY WAY back, right? So long ago that you’ve probably never even heard of him. So, like, this obscure heavyweight boxer named Tyson-”
Sarah didn’t notice Ichabod’s blank stare as she turned back the other way.
“-was SUPER dominant, right? Knocked people THE FUCK OUT with powerful punches, not unlike my Cop Killa superman punch, right? And NO ONE could stop him, even to the point of things like 30-second knockouts and shit. He was UNSTOPPABLE. Until he got knocked out, anyway. No one saw it coming, ya know? Facing this one dude no one remembers and BLAM! Lights out. New champ. And Tyson was NEVER the same again. Every time he fought? He moved differently. Every time he swing his arms? There was this SMALL hesitation. And every time a blow landed? It was just THAT MUCH more effective. And all because someone figured him out.
“And that’s what happened to Cynric, Ichabod. He was all smoke and mirrors, confusing and confounding everyone, until Jesse beat him. And when he came back triumphantly at THE BIGGEST CLUSTERFUCK OF ALL TIME? Sure, he pinned Jet, but that was because of more smoke and mirrors. The rest of the time? He was the Mayor of Jobsville. Somehow squeaked a W away from Baal, back before that was an every week occurrence, anyway, but then nothing but big, fat Ls in a variety of matches, including against the unstoppable World Champ Roberts.”
She stops her pacing as she finishes her cigarette and flicks the spent butt to the ground to join the other three.
“But that’s not who I am, Ichabod. Because the face that everyone sees? We both know how false it is. We both know that the TRUE Sarah is on the inside. That is what frustrates so many people, and what has lead to the incredible amount of wins in my career across the world thus far. What am I up to now, anyway? 70? In only about fourteen months of active competition across two years? Hell, Kem probably has had 70 losses in just the last six months!”
She giggles again, her smile growing wide enough to make her dimples pop.
“I think my match on your show last time around was the single most EPIC example of how virtually NO ONE gets me. Lots of people think that mocking Kem for her weight is akin to going for the low-hanging fruit, and while my Bully Sister Roxy can ONLY go for that kind of thing, I only do it to trick people. Well, and for the shiggles. And the proof of that? Go back and watch my promotional video against Kem for your show last time. Go back and watch it! Read the transcript! EMBRACE it! Some six THOUSAND words spoken directly to her and not ONE fat joke. NOT ONE! Only an analytical breakdown of who and what she is. Just like Daddy taught me. NO ONE saw that coming. Especially not Kem. Well, besides you and my Beloved, of course.
"You see, I will NOT lose to someone who is only around now to occasionally fill out clusterfuck cards, be in the Melee to be sacrificed to the NEED to feed Necron's demonic aura, or be name-dropped in a Pierce promo so that people can lose their shit over an old reference and help him win a match against impossible odds. I am NOT going to lose to someone whose greatest claim to fame is being kinda-sorta remember by Holden Orsen for that three seconds he was awake before falling back into his perpetually bored slumber. I will NOT lose to someone who is so far down below my station in life that he might as well be sleeping in a gutter next to a dropout like Milisandre. I will NOT-"
"Didn't you just lose to Dave Ry-"
"I DID NOT LOSE TO DAVE RYDELL!"
Sarah's face was pure rage, but it quickly melting into petulance.
"I lost to Angie. With a disgusting, and possibly illegal, move. There is a difference."
Ichabod's flat stare called out the lie. She shakes her head.
"Whatever."
Taking a hold of her skirts in her hands, she lowers herself back down to the ledge to sit next to her benefactor.
“Anyway, that’s what is going to happen on Monday, Ichabod. Everyone is going to expect a vlog, or some jokes, or perhaps some weird introspective piece where I con my friends into playing roles for a future Dark Goddess Productions movie. But that isn’t what they are going to get. They are going to get the Sarah who beat Kem up so bad that she STILL runs away from me when her shitty takes are pointed out. They are going to get the Sarah who has one three different titles within the Coalition. They are going to get the Sarah who will do ANYTHING to win, the Sarah who will win at ALL costs. They are going to get the Sarah who would even willingly lose the battle for a chance at winning the war.”
Ichabod gives her a questioning look.
“What do you mean?”
She gives him a sly grin and another wink.
“You’ll see at the next Synergy. I am going to make you proud, Ichabod. Going to do something that NO ONE will see coming. Not even you.”
She turns away from him and dangles her feet over the ledge, again taking in the Chicago skyline. They are quiet for many moments, each silently enjoying the other’s company, each letting their minds wander. Eventually, Sarah pulls out her pack of cigarettes again. She looks at the name on the box and her face grows serious for a moment.
“Am I a 'Child of Ichabod,' now?”
Ichabod is silent for a time, mulling over the question.
“Are you worried he will come for you, too?”
Sarah smirks as she lights up her fifth cigarette, then regards the burning match as she takes her first drag. She smirks, allowing the smoke to push out the corner of her mouth.
“I welcome it.”
She narrows her eyes at the flame.
“I see you, Necron.”
She blows out the match.
~~FIN~~
Ichabod and Chaos looked up at one another with eyes wide in a mixture of shock, terror, horror, and helplessness, as Covert Jay rolls a 20 on his Hide In Plain Sight skill check and ninjas away to safety. Their reckoning had come. The end of their world had come. There would be no greater pain in their lives than this moment. In fact, if you took every bit of pain they had ever experienced, every crash from their childhood, every bump from their training, every deathmatch in Chaos matches, and every single pain they would have in the rest of their lives, combined it, multiplied it by some ridiculous mathematical process employed by Kem in her sad and pathetic attempts to find the validation of her peers, and then multiplied THAT number by, like, infinity, they STILL wouldn’t have more pain than they knew they were about to experience:
The Vampire of Lacklanland had come for them.
Flanked by several members of the Legion of Unpaid Interns, Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan, known by her maiden name of Sarah Lacklan in a professional manner, was every inch of the Blood Princess on this day. Well, all 62 inches of her, anyway. Bitch is short. The albino’s platinum hair was pulled into a set of braids so intricate that it no doubt took 3 of her
“Mrs. Grey-Lacklan, we-”
“This is INCONCEIVABLE!”
She neither knew nor cared who spoke, so complete was her rage. She puts out out of her perfectly manicured hands and one of the Legion hands her a small thin box, the words “UGWC 2k19” emblazoned on the front, as well as the smiling mug of the Creative Director, Lord Hastings, swimming in a bathtub filled with peeled grapes.
“I will have one of my nameless interns prepare paperwork to SUE my current employer if this GHASTLY GRIEVANCE is not dealt with IMMEDIATELY!”
She points at one of the interns, who just happens to be incredibly pretty, with curves that look quite pleasing in her pantsuit, like every other member of the Legion. Well, except for that ONE plain-looking boy Kenzi made her hire because of that cute-as-FUCK Asian intern. Wives were the WORST. She then gets right into the faces of the two much taller UGWC Chill officials, and though she is infinitely smaller than they, the two shrink away from her rage.
“How DARE this occur?! How DARE you let this happen?! HOW DARE YOU, GOOD SIRS!”
She shoves the video game under the nose of Chaos.
“JUST HOW DRUNK WERE YOU?!”
She turns to Ichabod, her eyes lowering into slits which streamed out danger.
“And YOU!”
She steps up closer to Ichabod, her face at his chest, but nevertheless the bigger force of personality by far.
“YOU! YOU should know BETTER!”
“We-”
“It is a crime against NATURE that I was not included on the official roster for this year’s video game. A CRIME, DO YOU HEAR ME!”
“Sarah, we-”
“I don’t CARE if I wasn’t exactly ‘active’ when the roster was finalized! I don’t CARE how completely reasonable and logical me not being included is. I don’t CARE about how, lets face it, me being on the cover would have been a difficult thing to do at the time it was created. YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN I WOULD BE BACK IN TIME!”
She squints at Ichabod.
“Especially you! You were LITERALLY one of the THREE GODDAMN PEOPLE who knew I was rehabbing for the melee! Just my Beloved wife, my creative director...AND MY BENEFACTOR!”
She slams the cane down onto the ground. Unfortunately for Ichabod, the end happened to find his foot.
“OWIE!”
The puppetmaster hops up and down on his foot, his face contorted into comic pain, looking as if someone else was pulling his strings for once. Sarah turns around and takes in every person working in the mobile home attached to the UGWC Home Office in Chicago that Monsieur Ooley allowed the Chill staff to use, and casts her angry gaze at them all.
“It is RIDICULOUS that I...the Firestarter...the Blood Princess...She Who FUCKING GLITTERS...was left off the 2k19 UGWC video game! And! AND! Not only is every OTHER member of the Cool Kids on the playable roster...you included both a sober and effective Lucy Wylde...AND her ‘Do you know who I am?!’ drunken alternative attire? NOT COOL!”
She turns back to Chaos and Ichabod.
“But! Oh, holy hell BUT! I have prepared for you a way to rectify this HEINOUS GRIEVANCE.”
She claps her hands together and the Legion moves into action. Two of them bring forth a pulldown screen on a tripod, another brings in a leather bag, and still two more bring chairs. Two insanely cute girls help Chaos and the limping Ichabod take their seats who another two unnecessarily attractive young women set up and pull down the white canvas screen. The fifth girl, this one with blazing red hair who is, you guessed it, curvy and soft on the eyes, opens the leather bag and produces a laptop and several pieces of equipment, including a projector. Before long, the men behind Chill are seated and ready to witness a slide show presentation.
Somewhere across time and space, Kenzi Grey groans and shakes her head.
“Now!”
Sarah snaps her pigeon-headed can against her hand and makes everyone jumps.
“In today’s modern video games, seemingly HALF the content is left out of the game and available for download later on, at sometimes shocking cost. And it is MY sermision, and the point of this 50-slide presentation-”
Everyone in the room groans in dismay, including Kenzi across the space/time continuum.
“-that not only SHOULD we offer this ‘downloadable content,’ but if you wish to make INSANE amounts of profits, there is only ONE way to market it:”
She points to the screen with her cane.
“SLIDE ONE!”
With her screeched command, one of the Legion kills the light of the room and the blank screen flares to life to show the single most beautiful person in the long history of people:
Sarah giggles to herself.
“I love that photo set. I totes look like an elf.”
She turns back to Ichabod and Chaos.
“That’s right, ME! Not only put ME in the downloadable content, but make me both the CENTERPIECE of the content and the NEW face of the whole damned game! After all, hashtag Eyes On Me!”
Both Ichabod and Chaos look at one another, both unsure of what to say.
“Well, um, you see-”
“Now, you two are probably wondering which VERSION of me to make the newest focal point of the game. After all, both 2017 Sar and 2018 Sar are equally hawttastic, which is the newest hashtag Thing, by bee tee dubs. But! I have that covered for you!”
She turns back to the screen.
“Why choose between them...when you can have ALL OF THEM?! NEXT SLIDE!!”
The screen changes and, as the office workers take in what they are witnessing, a silence so great that even that moment before God snapped reality into existence is jealous for its depth of awe.
“Gentlemen, I bring you SIX DIFFERENT VERSION OF ME!”
Over the course of the next hour, Sarah takes her captive audience through 20 different slides detailing:
Cheerleader Sarah: Sporting the cheerleading costume of Lacklanland Private High School (“GOOOooooooooOOOOOO VIKINGS!!”), this 17-year-old version of Sarah is just months away from graduating as Valedictorian and with, like, 7 letters on her jacket. Her moveset is limited, with not much more than basic wrestling holds, but the glimpses of her power are seen, as she has been powerlifting for three full years. This version of Sarah is the most popular person in school, was both Homecoming AND Prom Queen, and well on her way to becoming the marketing genius she is known for today.
Valet Sarah: Wearing FAR too much makeup and a black and red robe the envy of every Hot Topic customer, this version of Sarah was famous throughout Texas for being the valet of her father, Jean-Paul, in his last run as a wrestler. 18-years-old and already causing trouble, this version of Sarah includes FAR more moves taught to her by world champion wrestler Nikita Dolore, as well as a vial of a rival’s blood she wears around her neck.
2017 Sarah: “Fight the world across the world!” was the cry of Sarah in her rookie year. UGWC fans know this woman very well, as the 19-year-old was confusing wrestlers left and right as she employed a variety of moves and tactics, as well as finishing them off with both the Abyss reverse DDT and her trainer's finisher, the Hail Mary flying rear naked choke.
Wedding Day Sarah: Her wedding was attended by more bodies than one could imagine, and was a day of celebration of the Grey-Lacklan union from beginning to end. Their dresses were the talk of legend, with the albino Sarah wearing black and the caramel-skinned Kenzi wearing white, a show of their love and promise to share. Unfortunately, her moveset includes the finisher “What happened when the lights went out!” and is unsuitable for younger players.
Napped and Capped: Wheelchair-bound Sarah is who the Coalition met via video feed at Horizons following her infamous domestic accident. While this version is still insanely attractive, even despite the new glasses, and has a new special move called "The Pigeon Post," she is only available as a manager or valet.
2018 Sarah: This green and silk-clad Sarah is focused and determined. She has pared down her moveset to include more kicks and submissions, and switched out the Hail Mary for the Pigeonwing crossface chickenwing submission, which relies less on needing to “fly” around her opponent’s body. Unfortunately, the heavy-duty leg braces are not removable.
“And that’s not all!”
Sarah turns back to Chaos and Ichabod, who snap awake with such speed that Sarah missed how their eyes were glazed over at the lengthy presentation.
“Along with all of these version of me to push and hype, there are even MORE! Thanks to the coolio team at Cool Kids Gaming, we have GIMMICK version of me for all the kids to play!”
She turns back around and points at the screen with her cane.
“SLIDE TWENTY THREE!”
The Great Miko: An entrant into the failed Masked League to be held by FIW, the Great Miko was a mysterious figure which made friends and foes run for the proverbial hills. Features of this version of Sar include weird promotional videos no one understands, as well as her rare Poison Mist finisher.
Darth Sarah: While her Beloved was into the COMPLETELY INFERIOR Star Track nonsense, Sar found herself drawn to the Sith of Star Wars, much to the surprise of nobody, just like how no one was surprised that she tested into Slytherin on Pottermore with a score of 99.7%. This version of Sar includes sweet-looking mini lightsabers, as well as a “Princess Leia” option that makes Kenzi switch sides in the great Star Wars vs. Star Track battle so fast that you can’t even say the name Seven of Nine fast enough.
Dread Pirate Sarah: While the Dread Pirate made her on-screen debut as part of Angelica Vaughn’s Outlast promotional video (“CRAWW! At me, you hoes!”), the REAL debut of the Dread Pirate was a night so obscene that even Amy Jo Smythe blushed at the story. This version of Sarah includes a killer entrance costume and a finisher called “Swab my deck, cabin girl!”
Light Incarnate: Have you ever wondered what would have happened if Sarah and Kenzi had not met in December of 2016? What path would Sarah have gone if she was not so fully immersed in a world so different from the religious compound she grew up on? Play THIS version of Sarah to experience an entrance filled with Minion soldiers and where she wields a large two-handed maul named “The Knocker.”
Albino Kenzi: So, NO ONE knows about it, because Sarah had EVERY PICTURE DELETED, but there was this ONE TIME where Sarah let Kenzi “get her hair did” at HER salon instead of by one of her handmaidens. What resulted was long braids of platinum blonde hair and her smoking curves jammed into a pair of Kenzi’s wrestling attire. The bottoms were loose (because of Kenzi’s sweet booty) but the top was so tight that Sar’s “double-breasted pigeons” were in constant danger of falling out.
Merry Christmas, Kenzi: Wonder what Christmas is like in the Grey-Lacklan household? Exactly as depraved as you might expect. Play as THIS version of Sarah to get a glimpse at a future Claire’s Sex Shoppe purchase!
“And that’s NOT all!”
Sarah turns around after another hour and another excruciatingly-detailed two dozen slides, but this time Ichabod and Chaos are not fast enough to snap back to attention.
“What the hell is wrong?! My slideshows are EPIC as well as informative! Why-”
She sees them pass a strange look between themselves.
“What is it? Out with it!”
“Well...erm…”
They share another look.
“We already have a new face for the DLC content.”
Sar’s face falls.
“What?! WHO?!”
Chaos shrugs and Ichabod grimaces. He pulls out his phone, a SWEET Windows device, and pulls up the cover of the upcoming DLC:
“WHAT?!”
Sarah’s face is pure shock and astonishment. After the question, her mouth opens and closes several times as her eyes move back and forth between the smoldering Cynric and the faces of Chaos and Ichabod, purely apoplectic.
“We think he’s a GREAT option.”
Sarah’s jaw continues to work soundlessly.
“He’s SO handsome!”
Sarah screams.
When most people scream, it is a sound of frustration or angst. But those close to Sarah, friends, enemies, employees, know that Sarah doesn’t just scream: She screeches. High-pitched, ear-splitting, decibel record-setting. With hands in fists and clutching her skirts, with eyes slammed shut so hard that her whole face is turning read, Sarah lets loose a keen so painful to the ear that even the infamous Banshee of Irish lore must pause a moment for quiet reflection and appreciation. Men and women all throughout the small mobile home clutch their ears in pain, some falling to the floor as they are on the edge of consciousness.
“HE HASN’T BEEN BOOKED IN TWO YEARS!”
Sarah’s yell is as loud and booming as her screech’s pitch was high.
“I WAS IN THE FINAL THREE OF THE MELEE...IN THE FINALS OF WRESTLESTOCK...DOMINATED KEM ON CHILL...WAS THE LAST PERSON STANDING IN MY OUTLAST TEAM FOR A SECOND YEAR IN A ROW...AND HAVE WON TWO OUT OF MY THREE COOPERATION TITLE MATCHES!”
Her foot stomps on the ground as she vocally flails about, the vision of rage-filled petulance. Ichabod and Chaos have tears in their eyes, their faces nearly melting off like they had opened the Ark, and are covering their ears with their hands. Sarah offers another scream before she angrily stomped out of the building.
“I CANNOT EVEN RIGHT NOW OH EM GEE I NEED A CIGARETTE”
The door slams shut, the room turned into chaos, and the Chill office staff begin to pick themselves up from the whirling tornado that is Sarah Lacklan.
Sarah breathes a sigh of relief as the smoke rises back out of her throat, out her pursed lips, and into the air before her. Two spent butts lay at the feet encased in stiletto heels encrusted with tiny rubies that match her eyes, and her third cigarette was nearing its end. Her gaze took in the cloudy Chicago sunlight and tried to calm herself. While she had been traveling all across the world, first as the only child of a professional wrestler and then as one herself, she was only really used to the extremities of climates that Maine and Southern California had to offer, and this kinda-sorta in the middle weather that Chicago offered was always difficult for her to adjust to. She had come to think of the Coalition as her “home” fed, regardless of her start in Las Vegas for the defunct FSociety and Fucking Awesome groups, but she still hadn’t warmed up to the company’s home base.
“Can I bum a cig?”
Sarah turned her head and took in Ichabod. The man with the shining head had exited the glorified mobile home that was the Chill head office and come to join her on the ledge she was sitting on, her dress flared out so as not to get the silks dirtied. She reached into her purse, taking a moment to pet the dwarf bunny who lived in there, and pulled out the pack of Coffin Nails. She offered it to him, but upon seeing the brand, he shook his head. She shrugged her shoulders and popped out her next cigarette as he sat down beside her.
“Thought you were going to quit?”
She growled around her cigarette.
“No need, now.”
No need to quit. No need to vape. No need to worry about how her decisions would affect-
“How ya doin, Kid?”
He sounded tired to her. She knew the feeling. Even when she was in the chair, it felt like the world never stopped, and she was constantly moving. And right this second, she wanted nothing more. Move. Fight. Act. Don’t think.
“Shitty.”
There was no reason to lie to Ichabod. The puppet master knew more than almost any other person. An awkward silence hung before them as Sarah finished off her cigarette and, with a practiced move, struck a match to flame and had her fourth Coffin Nail smoking.
“Sorry to hear what happened on Friday.”
So was she. She felt it deep within her. She had been consumed with having a baby for many months, consumed with the need and want to grow her family with Kenzi and to produce an heir for her land. But now-
“...damnit…”
She couldn’t stop the tear that streaked down her cheek and cut a swath of damage through her makeup. She had cried nonstop after her doctor told her about not being able to have children. Only the thrill of fighting at Outlast, of getting to fight with Lucy again, had brought her out of a three-day daze. She wiped away the tear as it fell from her pointed chin.
“...next subject…”
Silence fell between them again.
“So...Cynric…”
Sarah gave him one of her famously exaggerated eyerolls.
“It’ll be a blast, I’m sure.”
He gives her a chuckle.
“You know anything about him?”
Another patented eyeroll turns into a “Duh” look.
“I’m the encyclopedia, remember? It’s kinda my thing.”
She takes a drag of her cigarette and slowly lets the smoke out.
“It was a tenant of my father’s, ya know. He firmly believed in heavy research and understanding not just your opponent, but their place in the company, and in the business as a whole.”
She cleared her throat, dropped her jaw, and spoke in a deep voice with a Mainer accent hinted with Cajun “r” sounds.
“If we are to destroy the present so that we may change the future, Daughter, we must understand the past.”
She coughed away the pain from doing the affected voice.
“That’s why i am so good at it. Pounded into me from before I could even walk. Research. Interpretation. Analysis. Prediction. Its why Ava is so good at it, too.”
Ichabod gives her a sideways look as she blows out another billow of smoke.
“Is that crazy chick really your stepmom?”
Sarah growled around her cigarette again.
“...yes…”
She takes a deep drag and lets it out with a groan.
“I always figured she was just one of his many...many...whores. But then I saw the paperwork.”
She shakes her head.
“Next subject.”
Ichabod can’t hold back his grin over the fact that Sarah’s father had, apparently, nailed himself a bit of a trophy wife in Bordy, who was less than a decade older than his daughter.
“So, what are your plans for Chill?”
Sarah gives him a nonchalant shrug.
“Murder Cynric.”
He blinks.
“Murder-”
“I AM GOING TO FUCKING MURDER HIM!”
Ichabod jumps as Sarah turns toward him, her sharp face pulled into angry angles. WIth her face of fury, eyes that flash red in the light, and the smoke from her cigarette clouding around her head, she looked like a dragon from a cautionary tale.
“That is what I DO, Ichabod!”
She suddenly popped up off her rear and began to pace back and forth on the ledge, her heeled boots clacking on the granite, her hands flailing in the air, cigarette in one, her cane in the other.
“That is what I have done every moment of every DAY since becoming a wrestler! And that is something that every fool who believes in the shorthand speech-using vlogger falls for, the silly girl who only bullies people online. And then...BLAM!”
She slams the end of the cage onto the ledge, the rapport of the blow echoing.
“Lights out! Just ask Kem Dynamo, who walked into Chill thinking that she was going to rise up as some hero against the dastardly, cowardly villain. And what happened to her? She ran into the fucking WALL that is the Blood Princess. Just ask Eden and Jet, who never thought in a million YEARS that they would lose their Cooperation Championships to the silly vlogger and her ‘pet’ Kenzi. And what happened to them? Lights out! New champions. Hell, go all the way back to Battleground last year when the same happened to Lucy! BLAM! Into the Abyss she went!”
She stopped and spun on Ichabod, towering over the sitting man, her cane pointed at his head.
“THAT Is why you have been impacting my career. THAT is why you have been whispering in darkened corners to people of influence. THAT is why my name never faded into obscurity when I had to limp away. Because the effect I have on this business is everlasting. Because what I do...the chaos I cause...can NEVER go unnoticed. Because NO ONE who fights me is EVER the same again.”
She suddenly giggles, a thin sound when heard through the veil of her fake Londoner accent.
“Very much NOT like Cynric.”
She turns and begins pacing again, and Ichabod wisely holds his tongue about how much she resembled her hated “Step-Mumsie” right that second.
“I have met SO MANY people like Cynric in the last few years that he is so everyday that he might as well be posting THOT pics on Twitter! Oh, I know he THINKS he is special. I know he THINKS that he is so goddamn UNIQUE, what with his dashing good looks, unyielding smolder, and a bard to sing his praises-”
She stops suddenly, her face’s anger melting into thoughtfulness.
“Ya know, having a bard around to sing my praises WOULD be pretty cool. And not just those times when its cosplay night and my Beloved and I dress up as Thespina and the Vampire Queen.”
She reaches into the folds of her dress and pulls out a clunky phone. It took her several tries to bring up the audio memo app, because there was a very good reason why Windows stopped making phones, but she was far too proud to admit it to her friends.
“Note to self: Ask Intern #42 if she knows anyone who can write songs about my adventures. But only if she’s an 8. I will NOT accept another 7 after that DEBACLE with Intern #79!”
She puts her phone back into her dress and turns to Ichabod.
“Intern #42 is the one who only responds in pretty bad haiku. I figure if anyone knows a bard, it would be her.”
Ichabod rolls his eyes in a modestly successful impression of his newest protege as she turns away from him to continue pacing. Sarah’s Legion of Interns had grown lately to not just tweet what she dictated, but to begin to show their own distinct personalities as they interpreted her whims. Everyone’s favorite intern thus far was #172, who only responded with gifs, which had shown the shocking amount of Angie-gifs Sarah had made recently.
“But Chauncey aside, Cynric is legitimately no better than a vast majority of the other people in this sport. You see, when he first showed up in 2015, he got off to a big start. Three wins in a row! Including a triple threat debut including a CERTAIN person. Not that I would have ANY idea what THAT is like.”
She shot him a wink before she turned around to head in the opposite direction again. In an odd coincidence, both Cynric and Sarah had debut matches in the Coalition in triple threat matches which included Ichabod. Cynric had pinned PKA for his debut victory, and Ichabod had quite blatantly stepped back and allowed Sarah to maul Rey Lobo in her own. It would later be revealed that Ichabod had taken such an interest in Sarah’s potential as an agent of Chaos that he wanted to watch first hand at what she could do.
He liked what he saw.
“But then he ran into the thing that SO MANY SHITTY WRESTLERS DO! They burst onto the scene, right, and everyone is all, ‘OH EM GEE! YOU ARE SO AMAZING!’ and they can’t figure out how to beat them, right? So, they go on a tear and win matches because people can’t get in their head, but then one day...BLAM!”
She slams her cane into the ledge as she turns to head back toward Ichabod.
“Someone figures it out. Someone sees through their shit and does enough interpretation to see what his next move is. And in the case of Cynric? It was Jesse Williams at the first WrestleStock Open. Kinda interesting that Cynric’s downfall would begin at the event which would become so important to my rise. Anyway, after that? GONE! Ghosted, as we would say these days. Oh, sure, he came back at the ULTIMATE CLUSTERFUCK that was To Be Determined...MAN, you guys must have been on freakin’ ACID when you thought THAT one up...but he just wasn’t the same. Hey, do you watch boxing?”
The sudden change of direction and change caught Ichabod off guard.
“Um...I guess?”
“So, I like all kinds of fighting arts history, right? And there was this boxer WAY back in the day, like WAY WAY back, right? So long ago that you’ve probably never even heard of him. So, like, this obscure heavyweight boxer named Tyson-”
Sarah didn’t notice Ichabod’s blank stare as she turned back the other way.
“-was SUPER dominant, right? Knocked people THE FUCK OUT with powerful punches, not unlike my Cop Killa superman punch, right? And NO ONE could stop him, even to the point of things like 30-second knockouts and shit. He was UNSTOPPABLE. Until he got knocked out, anyway. No one saw it coming, ya know? Facing this one dude no one remembers and BLAM! Lights out. New champ. And Tyson was NEVER the same again. Every time he fought? He moved differently. Every time he swing his arms? There was this SMALL hesitation. And every time a blow landed? It was just THAT MUCH more effective. And all because someone figured him out.
“And that’s what happened to Cynric, Ichabod. He was all smoke and mirrors, confusing and confounding everyone, until Jesse beat him. And when he came back triumphantly at THE BIGGEST CLUSTERFUCK OF ALL TIME? Sure, he pinned Jet, but that was because of more smoke and mirrors. The rest of the time? He was the Mayor of Jobsville. Somehow squeaked a W away from Baal, back before that was an every week occurrence, anyway, but then nothing but big, fat Ls in a variety of matches, including against the unstoppable World Champ Roberts.”
She stops her pacing as she finishes her cigarette and flicks the spent butt to the ground to join the other three.
“But that’s not who I am, Ichabod. Because the face that everyone sees? We both know how false it is. We both know that the TRUE Sarah is on the inside. That is what frustrates so many people, and what has lead to the incredible amount of wins in my career across the world thus far. What am I up to now, anyway? 70? In only about fourteen months of active competition across two years? Hell, Kem probably has had 70 losses in just the last six months!”
She giggles again, her smile growing wide enough to make her dimples pop.
“I think my match on your show last time around was the single most EPIC example of how virtually NO ONE gets me. Lots of people think that mocking Kem for her weight is akin to going for the low-hanging fruit, and while my Bully Sister Roxy can ONLY go for that kind of thing, I only do it to trick people. Well, and for the shiggles. And the proof of that? Go back and watch my promotional video against Kem for your show last time. Go back and watch it! Read the transcript! EMBRACE it! Some six THOUSAND words spoken directly to her and not ONE fat joke. NOT ONE! Only an analytical breakdown of who and what she is. Just like Daddy taught me. NO ONE saw that coming. Especially not Kem. Well, besides you and my Beloved, of course.
"You see, I will NOT lose to someone who is only around now to occasionally fill out clusterfuck cards, be in the Melee to be sacrificed to the NEED to feed Necron's demonic aura, or be name-dropped in a Pierce promo so that people can lose their shit over an old reference and help him win a match against impossible odds. I am NOT going to lose to someone whose greatest claim to fame is being kinda-sorta remember by Holden Orsen for that three seconds he was awake before falling back into his perpetually bored slumber. I will NOT lose to someone who is so far down below my station in life that he might as well be sleeping in a gutter next to a dropout like Milisandre. I will NOT-"
"Didn't you just lose to Dave Ry-"
"I DID NOT LOSE TO DAVE RYDELL!"
Sarah's face was pure rage, but it quickly melting into petulance.
"I lost to Angie. With a disgusting, and possibly illegal, move. There is a difference."
Ichabod's flat stare called out the lie. She shakes her head.
"Whatever."
Taking a hold of her skirts in her hands, she lowers herself back down to the ledge to sit next to her benefactor.
“Anyway, that’s what is going to happen on Monday, Ichabod. Everyone is going to expect a vlog, or some jokes, or perhaps some weird introspective piece where I con my friends into playing roles for a future Dark Goddess Productions movie. But that isn’t what they are going to get. They are going to get the Sarah who beat Kem up so bad that she STILL runs away from me when her shitty takes are pointed out. They are going to get the Sarah who has one three different titles within the Coalition. They are going to get the Sarah who will do ANYTHING to win, the Sarah who will win at ALL costs. They are going to get the Sarah who would even willingly lose the battle for a chance at winning the war.”
Ichabod gives her a questioning look.
“What do you mean?”
She gives him a sly grin and another wink.
“You’ll see at the next Synergy. I am going to make you proud, Ichabod. Going to do something that NO ONE will see coming. Not even you.”
She turns away from him and dangles her feet over the ledge, again taking in the Chicago skyline. They are quiet for many moments, each silently enjoying the other’s company, each letting their minds wander. Eventually, Sarah pulls out her pack of cigarettes again. She looks at the name on the box and her face grows serious for a moment.
“Am I a 'Child of Ichabod,' now?”
Ichabod is silent for a time, mulling over the question.
“Are you worried he will come for you, too?”
Sarah smirks as she lights up her fifth cigarette, then regards the burning match as she takes her first drag. She smirks, allowing the smoke to push out the corner of her mouth.
“I welcome it.”
She narrows her eyes at the flame.
“I see you, Necron.”
She blows out the match.
~~FIN~~
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