Post by cooltubesource on Feb 14, 2019 15:46:12 GMT -5
I wonder what my great-grandfather would think if he saw me? I dream of him now and again, you know. Its weird, though, because sometimes I dream of him when he was young, and sometimes I dream of him when he was older and under the mask. There a ton of pictures and old videos of him around, so it’s pretty easy for my mind to conjure him up in both ways when I'm asleep. From what I can tell...and from what my great aunt tells me...I look just like him. Same color hair. Same color skin. Same color eyes. Those eyes go back a long way, it seems. My mother has them. My grandmother has them. Great grandfather had them.
Would he be proud of me? I'm trying to become an artist, not a wrestler like he was. My parents are politicians and look after the estate, and that’s what I’m supposed to be learning how to do, though I don't think I'm very good at it. Not my favorite thing, that's for sure, but it’s important, so I do it with them. I’m around for a lot of storytelling, especially when my grandmother and great aunts are around, and I end up doing a lot of writing because of it. I spend time looking through the archives, too.
The archives are cool! I zone out a bit when we talk about history at school, but there's lots of information on my family and my home. Where they were, what they did. There was a lot of wrestling, of course, but there was a bunch of other stuff, too. For instance, my grandmother started this refuge for cats, right? She always said that her greatest ambition after her career was “A home for every cat and a cat for every home,” and that refuge still exists today. My great aunts started an orphanage, which is pretty cool, and my mother said it’s because they couldn’t have their own kids, for some reason. My great grandmother started some kind of cancer research center as part of the Church, but I don't think that's around any more. And my own parents were big on expanding our estate to include more of Maine, and while they did do a lot of travelling, their lives seem pretty tame compared to the generation before them.
The archives show a LOT about that generation. My grandmother and great aunts got into a lot of trouble, though my parents wish I wouldn't ask about those stories. And like I said before, History class can be kind of boring, but its fun to read up on them. Grandmother Angie and her sister Sarah seemed to go everywhere together, and one of my favorite things is to look at the “Rock Battles” that happened. For those that don’t know, “Rock” is this super old kind of music that went out of fashion a very long time ago, that had things like guitars and drums, and they used to sing songs together. Started back in 2017, at least as far as I cen tell in the archives, before Great Aunt Sarah and Great Aunt Kenzi were married:
Here...check it out:
"Hold still, bb. And try not to talk. I know that's impossible for you, but still..."
Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan narrows her eyes at Roxy Cotton as the buxom blonde works on her lips. The albino then rolls them, and Roxy returns the gesture, before continuing her work.
"Wouldn't even be an issue if you hadn't have hit me so ha-"
"I said DON'T talk, bb!"
Sarah silences herself...with great struggle and force of will...and looks around the room. The women's restroom of the International Lounge in South Carolina was decent enough, though quite cramped, even if she and her friend were not the biggest women in the world. Sarah smirks as she turns her eyes on Roxy, who was dressed as slutty as only Roxy could be, with her quadruple Q tits falling out of her leather bodice, but she knew she wasn't much better off. For this "Infinity After Party" she had arranged, she herself was in her old "Ambrosia" attire, which was the scandalous outfit she wore in her movie with Kenzi, All That Glitters, which was basically nothing more than red and white lingerie. But that was kind of the point, because tonight wasn’t just about a party to celebrate the successes of Angie and Roxy, but to celebrate something special for herself and Kenzi. To celebrate the event and week that led to them going from best friends to girlfriends two years ago.
“Stop moving!”
Sarah bites her lip in anger but then relaxes, letting Roxy finish the job. That masked weirdo had split her lip in the semis of the Global Challenge, and while JK had gotten it filled with that weird wax stuff, Roxy’s Double D DDT had opened it back up, and she had spent their post-match hug bleeding from the mouth. JK’s team got it closed up again, but now it was up to Roxy to apply her expertise and cover it up with some of Sarah’s preferred $1000 Hooker Red lipstick.
“Kenzi should be doing this, anyway.”
Sarah rolls her eyes again and smirks as Roxy finishes, and she gets the chance to examine her friend’s handiwork in the mirror. The lipstick was applied just so that she couldn’t see the bump, and it matched her eyes and earrings.
“My Beloved is already wasted. I saw her with one of those shitty Michelob Ultra beer bottles, and it was a third of the way empty, so she’s GONE.”
“Ew. At least they’re organic.”
“Well...yeah...but Drunk Kenzi gets REALLY amorous. Like, the last time she got sloshed? She grabbed me, slobbered in my ear, and said ‘Tonight, my name’s Vinnie and it’s my birthday!’”
Roxy’s face blanches.
“Did...did she…”
Sarah’s cheeks redden.
“We’ve been together two years, Rox. Got to do SOMETHING to spice things up.”
Roxy’s eyes go a little wide and Sarah looks away for a moment.
“...not like it was the first time, or anything…”
Roxy’s face explodes in a wide smile.
“I KNEW you were into that!”
Sarah clears her throat and then turns to Roxy. She puts on her most heated face she can and leans in close to whisper in a sultry voice:
“ENVY”
Roxy’s face becomes a mask of anger.
“I hate you SO fucking much.”
“PRIDE”
Roxy grabs her purse, spins in a huff, and begins to stomp to the door.
“I liked you more when you were a cripple.”
Sarah giggles and leaps off the counter and runs after Roxy, throwing her arms around her waist when she catches up.
“Love you, bb!”
Roxy looks down the five inches to the top of the platinum hair of her potentially psychotic friend and sighs.
“Love you too, bb.”
The two push out the door into a scene of madness. The bar lounge was filled with wrestling fans fresh off the UGWC Infinity event. Well, relatively fresh. They ARE neckbeard wrestling fans, after all. UGWC swag is well-represented, with t-shirts from the #CoolKids to The Iceinater hats to an ultra obscure Jesus Christ on a pogo stick! arm band. Someone was even carrying around the Maria Salvatore I-a make-a the squash! recipe book. Unfortunately, as pleased as she was with the turnout from fans and staff of the company, she cast an angry grimace over the crowd at the lack of wrestlers.
“Ya know,” she says to Roxy as the two start to move forward into the mass of drunken fans, “when I first started organizing these things in Texas, everyone showed up, win or lose. I need to work on that. The Coalition is too bogged down in personal shit and they need to learn how to deal with each other in real life more often. How the hell am I supposed to show the world how much of a-”
She flips back her hair and juts out her hip.
"-Marketing Genius I am if no one shows up? Like, even though he doesn't like me, I at LEAST figured Chauncey would be here. He's a freakin' BARD!"
When Sarah looks to her friend, she sees that Roxy is already on her phone and probably didn’t even hear her. She shakes her head and looks back at the mass of unwashed neckbeard gelatin.
“At least I don’t see any guys in fedoras calling each other ‘M’Lady’ or ‘hun.’ Could be way worse!”
Roxy and Sarah find their way to the dance floor and stage, where the management had obliged to set up a large karaoke machine. Sarah can’t help but laugh out loud as her ears are filled with the duet of Angie Vaughn and her mom Mary belting out together, the two swaying with appletinis in their hands which gave a large clue into where Angie's particular brand of Future Alcoholic came from:
”WEEEEEEEE ARE THE CHAAAAAMPIOOOONNNNNS
MY FRIIIIIIEEEEEEEENDS
AND WEEEEEEEEELLLLLL KEEEP ON FIIIIIIIGHTIIIING
‘TILL THE ENNNNNNNNND”
MY FRIIIIIIEEEEEEEENDS
AND WEEEEEEEEELLLLLL KEEEP ON FIIIIIIIGHTIIIING
‘TILL THE ENNNNNNNNND”
“Weird.”
“Hmm, bb?”
“No Dave. He said he’d be here but...I don’t see him anywhere.”
Roxy gives a disgusted look...or at least as much of one as her heavily-altered face can give.
“Glad he’s not here. Gross.”
“Oh, totes. Like, tabs legit, I think Chewie lives in his beard. But still, he-”
“BABAYYYYYY”
Sarah and Roxy turn around to see Kenzi, clearly inebriated by a sway so large in her step that it might as well be a stumble, coming towards them. The Michelob Ultra in her hand is down to halfway, and Sarah groans.
“Hi, babe!, I-”
Kenzi’s lips form a large pucker as she trips into Sarah’s arms, her eyes dull with drink, and she makes loud kissing sounds.
“IT’S MY BIRTHDAY, DUDE!”
Sarah shoots a sideways glance at Roxy, who returns with a knowing smile. The albino’s pale cheeks flush again as she helps her wife to a fully standing position. Kenzi succeeds in planting a loud and sloppy kiss on Sarah’s cheek that draws a cough from Roxy that is equal parts laughter and disgust. Sarah is eventually able to push her wife to arms’ length and wipe away the glistening slobber.
“Jesus, Ken! Why do you always have to out-slut me?!”
Kenzi is wearing a back lace top. That is see-through. With nothing under it. She grins as wide as one of Angie’s cats on a particularly mischievous day, or when staring lecherously at Lil' Has, and takes the tiniest sip of her beer.
“You...you said...dress slutty...so I…”
She trails off as her brown eyes lose focus even more and she sways while standing still. Sarah gives her an eyeroll so large that even Roxy could feel it and she takes her by the waist.
“Whatev. C’mon! It’s Rock Battle time...Infinity Style!”
Many songs were sung this night. The Rock Battle of ‘17 brought a fight and a black eye, and the Rock Battle of ‘18 brought such grossness as the wheelchair (OF DOOM~!)-bound Sarah singing Cadillac Pussy while Kenzi danced on top of the piano, but Rock Battle of ‘19 brought us many more memories, including but not limited to:
Following her duet with her mother, while being draped in both the newly won UGWC World Championship and her UGWC Cooperative Championship, Angie Vaughn asked for the house light to be brought down and for people to bust out the flashlight function on her phones, as she opened her own phone to sing a beautiful, and tear-filled, song in a video chat with her kitties, Sers Bobby and Alex, at home at the IGADP Ranch in Texas:
”AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
EEEEEE IIIIIIIIIII
WILL ALWAYYYYYYYS
LOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUU”
EEEEEE IIIIIIIIIII
WILL ALWAYYYYYYYS
LOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUU”
Roxy Cotton surprised everyone with a rousing rendition of Sia’s Chandelier, doing an excellent version of the artist’s scratchy voice, but the house came DOWN when Vinnie showed up and the two performed I’ve Got You, Babe by Sonny and Cher. The shocking part, of course, came halfway through when they switched roles and Vinnie showed how good of a falsetto he could pull off.
Kenzi Grey-Lacklan, who is actually a successful singer and has an album or two, was the type of drunken embarrassment that made people giggle and offer awkward glances at the red-faced Sarah. Kenzi stumbled through The Beatles’ Hold Me Tight, which included a scandalous strip tease, and was finally taken off the stage by their personal assistant, Ashley Allen, who covered Kenzi’s nearly-bare chest with her jacket. Kenzi took a swing at her...or several of them...but “Ax” eventually got Kenzi sat up in the corner and, if rumors are to be believed, held her employer’s braids back when she later “prayed to the porcelain god,” in an act of tenderness that was no doubt forgotten by the Scientologist by the next day.
Sarah Grey-Lacklan closed out the night with a few different numbers, which included her playing her “jam,” Making Dumb Bitches Cry Online by The Blur, as well as the Broadway standard On My Own from Les Miserables. But everyone knew the main event was TRULY started when Sarah busted out her SWEET Windows Phone and told everyone to join her in a very special edition of her award-winning vlog, the PrincessTwilightSexyFang podcast!
Thank you, everybody! It’s been a blast here at the Infinity After Party, and I wish that EVERY SINGLE MEMBER of my Fang Gang could be here, but I am TOTES glad that you all joined us on the CoolTube network! Now, I WAS going to close the night out by doing a KILLER duet with Kenzi...and I mean KILLER! We were going to do a medley of Metallica songs mixed in with some of her favorite Tom Jones tunes and it was going to be one CRAXY mashup!
But since SOMEONE drank a full THREE GODDAMN MOUTHFULS OF SHITTY-ASS BEER, I need to go with PLAN B. And I don’t mean the kind that my assistant had to use that one time after she went to that frat party we’re not supposed to talk about, either. NOPE! THIS Plan B means that I need a DIFFERENT partner to perform with. Now, I see that Ang is still all teary-eyed from her kitties, and Rox and Vinnie think they slipped into the bathroom together unnoticed (false! I noticed!), so I need a DIFFERENT partner other than my #CoolKid sistren. And...guess what...I have someone with me tonight whom I have WON standing next to! I have someone that I have DOMINATED the tag ranks with. Now, I KNOW that I have a LONG list of people whom I have won tag matches with, because I am a TRULY badass tag wrestler, but this one is TOTES special. So, lets think about all the special tag partners I have had:
First, we know that it is NOT any of my #CoolKids friends, even though I’m a two-time taggie team champ with Kenzi as Team Kickass, nearly flawless with Angie as Team HeelShitUp, and beat the everloving PISS out of Zanie-Poo with Rox that one craxy day, so they are out.
Could it be Trixie, whom I am undefeated with as The Glitter Gals?
Could it be La Muerta, whom I am undefeated with in the world of Lucha?
Could it be Melissa Reeves, whom I debuted in the business with as the Blood Reavers?
Its NONE of these.
But then...who is it?
Fauxovan Hasteboard!
Now, I know, I know: He’s not in the BEST of shapes. I had to put him back together with some duct tape, and he’s still got some of that cinder block dust on him. Oh, dude! Is that blood? Is that Zanie-Poo’s blood from when I bashed him in the head with Fauxovan Hasteboard?! GROSS! And cool.
N-E-Ways...yeah! I am TOTES undefeated with Fauxovan Hasteboard! See, back in 2017, I dragged this mostly-useless carcass to a win over then-UGWC World Champion Gabriel Baal and pre-coke whore aesthetic Lucy Wylde. Now, if I can drag THIS dude who only had two wins that year by that stage (no shit: look it up!), then I can ALSO drag his ass through this set! So, lets get this thing star-
“BUUUUUUUURP!”
Hold on, I’m getting a text from Ichabod...one sec…
Puppet Master, but not one of the shitty sequels:
Great job out there, kid. Finalist in your first Global Challenge? Fuckin’ epic.
Great job out there, kid. Finalist in your first Global Challenge? Fuckin’ epic.
............
............
I...um...
............
............
...gimme a sec real quick...
Sarah is the best, Sarah number one
Thanks. Call you later
Thanks. Call you later
............
Fuck you, Donovan.
I mean that, man. What the FUCK have you done for me? NOTHING.
“OMG I GAVE YOU A TITLE SHOT”
Fuck that noise. All you did was use a willing tool in your desperate need to compare johnsons with Zane. You didn’t care if I lived or died other than that, just as long as I blasted him with the cinder block and helped set up what turned out to be a massive disappointment for you at Horizons. You didn’t care whether or not the very BEST person for this company had support against a champion who gave such a little shit about the business that he was the “perfection” of that sales and viewership were declining worse than anything Lock or Global Impact had ever experienced. Hell, I didn’t even get a Goddamned PHONE CALL when I got hurt in 2017! All I got was a shoutout from freakin’ Pierce and some flowers from Killian with a card that was addressed to “Random Blonde #5”
That’s the truth of the matter, Donovan. I look back at the last year and a half and all I see from or about you is NOISE. One half of Pain and Paradox...but all I saw was poor Zane having to carry dead weight on his shoulders...and that was BEFORE you gave him the cardboard cutout! Hell, even in OUR tag match I mentioned before, the ONLY way you were able to find ANY relevance was to piggyback off ME! I mean, SHIT! .inevitable isn’t even a real domain! And while I’m on the subject, how the FUCK did you EVER confuse me for DEIMOS in the Melee? HOW DO YOU CONFUSE THESE TITS FOR FEAR?!
I have gotten NOTHING from you, Donovan. Everything I have in the Coalition? Every spot of sunlight in the darkness that was cast on this fed by people with strong personalities and shitty takes on wrestling? Its thanks to Ichabod. HE was the one who recognized how BADASS I am during WrestleStock. HE was the one who made it clear that MY fire was what this business needed. HE was the one who was there for me when I was in rehab, struggling right along with me as we both got back on our feet. HE was the one who has encouraged me, pushed me, PROMOTED me. HE was the one who made sure that Chill had HEROES like myself and my Beloved while SYNERGY was overrun by fuckwads like the Court.
Do you realize that THAT is your legacy? Sure, you beat Jet at Horizons ‘17 to become the world champ one last time. But what did you follow that up with as Creative Director? I mean, besides that idiocy that was this stupid cardboard cutout? You allowed the Court to go from masked losers who had to jump people from behind to a dominant force that held half the titles in the fed. And I’m sure there will be people who will claim that while the Court rose under Ooley and that they fell under you, but the ONLY reasons they fell is because 1) They are as cannibalistic as all the other circle-jerking edgelords online and 2) because of people like ME and my friends.
“BUT I’M RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR FRIENDS BEING HERE”
Nope. I AM. I am the one who got Angie to join when Ladies All Star died. I am the one who poked and prodded Roxy to drag Mil into the Trios Tournament. I am the one who got Kenzi to join Chill and enter the WrestleStock Open. I am the one who got them all to stay, even when the entire culture of the fed was DEMANDING that they leave because of our INSTANCE that WINS FUCKING MATTER and we should CARE ABOUT THE BUSINESS WE ARE ALL IN.
Seriously, who took the Co Op titles off the Court after YOU and your DUMBASS “creative directing” gave it to them in that glorified 2-on-1 beatdown in February? Angie and Rox. And who took them off them after they got them back? Team Kickass. And let's face it: They were NEVER the same after WE dealt with them. You were so busy getting ready to bust out the ruler while at the pee trough with Zane that it took ME and MY FRIENDS to slay the serpents. And even though I referenced it above, don’t EVEN get me started on the World Title under your reign! You let Lucy fall apart on a global stage to the point of wasting into nothing, and then you let Vain piss and shit on your entire company for MONTHS.
THAT is your legacy as Creative Director, Donovan. The Court walking out of the ring in the middle of matches because they don’t care; a monster getting to run roughshod over everyone for no rhyme or reason; one world champ who couldn’t pass a drug test with three week’s notice; and another who would rather send in an extra from a Cialis commercial than actually give a damn about his business.
Twelve fucking months and all you’re good for is that #SynergyDoesntMatter bullshit Travis Roberts was slinging in 2016 infected and permeated the entire company.
But Ichabod?
The guy who noticed in me IMMEDIATELY what you are probably still scratching your head about? The guy who recognized what you couldn't even CONGRATULATE when I had my big successes?
In the five weeks he has been creative director, the “champion” who dominated so much of 2018 has not only lost his title to Angie, but has exactly ONE win he can be proud of, and that was a hard-fought victory over freakin’ RAAB; the Court is only even MENTIONED because I’m admittedly a petty bitch; the Global Challenge was headlined by two #CoolKids; and Zane is surging to his RIGHTFUL place atop the company because he no longer has to deal with a relevancy-seeking whore of a “friend.”
Or in other words: Ichabod has successfully undone EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF SHIT you left. To use an old saying in the business, Ichabod has made chicken salad from chicken shit.
Ya know, I bet a lot of people are wondering the hows and whys of Ichabod doing so well this fast. People will no doubt look at the twenty seven stables he was in and shake their heads at all the chaos. But that’s because they have the level of social understanding of which you can only dream. Because Ichabod? His excellence was established last year on Chill.
I want you to think about this, Donovan: While you were overseeing the downfall of this company, Ichabod was guiding the “lesser” brand to excellence. All throughout the year, Chill was filled with badass matches that people stayed a full WEEK in town to wait and see. Here, check this out:
Kem Dynamo vs Roxy Cotton in a tables match? That was on Chill.
Kenzi Grey vs. Le Bord de Dieu surrounded by barbed wire ropes? That was on Chill.
Holden Orson's return against Deimos? That was on Chill.
Over and over and OVER AND OVER AGAIN-
-ICHABOD-
-booked the matches that people wanted to see. Hell, the #AllCoolKids WrestleStock Cup final...was 2/3rds Chill performers!
And now here you are, trying to leech off his success by getting your name on the card against the STAR of Chill.
Unfortunately for you, Donovan, you are going to find that, just like against Zane at Horizons, your measuring stick is flaccid.
Here’s the dealio, Bossman:
What happened when Kem Dynamo got a little uppity and thought she ruled the roost? Ichabod threw me at her and I KO’d the bitch.
What happened when Cynric thought he would waltz in here thinking that a win over Baal two years ago still mattered? Ichabod tapped the Blood Princess and Cynric tapped out.
What happened when Maggie first started to drop her pants before she shit on the Cross-Hemisphere title going into Horizons? Ichabod kissed me on the cheek, told me to go be me, to do what only I can do, and I put her through a table.
And that is what is going to happen to you on Monday, BOSSMAN.
Ichabod created a goddamn FORCE when he pushed and pioneered Chill, and a big part of that was having faith in me and my Beloved. And just like I FIRMLY believe that Kenzi will continue to be undefeated on the brand by stomping Deathwish’s head into the curb, I will ALSO continue to be undefeated on Ichabod’s baby by showing you how creative I can be with a chair, just like I did at Chill number five.
So you and I are clear:
You can try to leech off Ichabod’s reign as Creative Director by getting Ooley to give you the custodians’ closet for an office…
You can try to leech off Ichabod’s legacy of Chill by getting yourself booked…
You can try to leech off MY relevance by stepping in the ring with me…
But you will just find disappointment.
Know what sucks? I’m going to find disappointment, too. See, I was just talking to one of my Fang Gangers today, one of the real needy ones, about how I need a Big Win this year. In 2018, I was Final Three in the Melee, Finalist for WrestleStock, last survivor on our Outlast team, won only two of my five title matches, and started 2019 as the Global Challenge finalist. I need a Big Win to remind everyone that the former Cooperative, Cross-Hemisphere, and WrestleStock Open Cup winner is still the top of the industry, and not just a case of "almost did it." I NEED that Big Win.
But I’m not getting it on Monday.
Because when I beat you?
It won’t be a Big Win.
It’ll just be inevitable.
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