Post by The Circle Television Network on Jul 19, 2019 9:59:41 GMT -5
Located in Hollywood Hills, the overly opulent house belonging to wrestling and multi-media stars the Grey-Lacklans was referred to lovingly as “Lacklanland West.” A monstrosity of white wood and stone, it was built with soft curves in mind, including spiral staircases reaching from the roundabout driveway to the second floor, and a general circular shape in architecture. Along with the assortment of five bedrooms, only one of which was used for the designed purpose, the grounds included a garage where their Knight Industries 2000 replica car resided, a room filled with multimedia equipment and a treasure trove of wrestling DVDs, the beginnings of a home gym towards the back, and an aviary for the famous flock of carrier pigeons.
Sitting on their bed on the second floor, Kenzi’s eyes are lost in thought. The caramel beauty wore little, for the temperature in Los Angeles was difficult in July, and a slight sheen of sweat made her golden skin glow. A heat wave had attacked Southern California for much of the week, with Sarah having been nearly confined to a bathtub filled with ice for the last few days, loudly moaning and complaining about how much cooler it would be in Maine. But much of the heat had broken over the weekend, and now Kenzi found herself simply enjoying the warmth. Her eyes were on the laptop in front of her and looking at a document titled “My Baby.”
“Oh BeLOOOOOOOveeeeeed!”
She raises her head some at the distance voice of her wife, somewhere downstairs, and looks around. The Grey-Lacklan bedroom...where Sar had joked many, MANY times about it being where the magic happens...had a lot more of Sarah’s personality to it than Kenzi’s. Their bed was a King, seeming an ocean of mattress for the 5’2” women, with four posts and a canvas made of silk and lace, the colors of the black and red of the Blood Princess. Pictures lined their walls, a collection of selfies of themselves and their friends and family, in a seemingly random timeline. Both of them had night stands on either side of the bed, Sar on the left and Kenzi on the right, each with various personal effects. Phone chargers, small books to read, a stand for Sarah’s glasses. Each also both had more pictures on their night stands, both keeping close memories of their wedding day and their most updated pictures. Kenzi cannot help but smile and shake her head at one of the pictures on Sarah’s side, that of the two of them in one of those old photo booths at a bowling alley from their second date.
“Beloved?!”
Kenzi hears a muted call. Getting closer.
“Damn it, Wife! Where are you?”
Kenzi’s face turns into a scowl. She hated when Sarah called her that.
“In the bedroom!”
“Coolio! Are you decent?”
Kenzi looks down at herself and at her clothes. Not much, just a sports bra and leggings, but a silly smile comes to her lips.
“Nope! Totally naked in here. Birthday suit, and everything.”
The door to their room bursts open so hard it rattles on its hinges
HIIIII-iiiiiii!
This is your reason for being, the influencer of influencers, Sarah Grey-Lacklan here, and I am LIIIIIIVE from Lacklanland West! And as you can imagine, I am TOTES not alone because-
What the-
Damnit, Wife!
Sarah lowers the selfie stick holding her clunky Windows phone and stares daggers at Kenzi. With her hair pulled back into a braid to keep her neck cool, the Blood Princess still showed signs of having difficulty with the heat, with small bags at the bottom of her eyes and tiny lines of sweat tearing through her makeup. She wore far too much of that makeup, something she rarely did around the house when it was just the two of them...well, the two of them and the full TEN “employees” who had joined them from Sarah’s home in Maine last month...but Kenzi knew Sarah wasn’t about to do her vlog with a plain face. Sarah tried to hide her self consciousness over the deep worry lines which made her seem far older than she was, but Kenzi missed little when it came to her. Along with her wife’s insatiable love of shoes and accessories, quite a bit of her paycheck went into the makeup to cover up the physical effect that the stress of 2017 had caused on her face.
“You said that you were NOT decent! And here I find you...CLOTHED...which means that my Fang Gang DON’T get to see me ‘accidentally’ catching the sweetest booty in ALL the land! What do you have to say for yourself?!”
Kenzi can’t help but laugh as she tosses her braids over her shoulder.
“I am SO sorry to disappoint all of your pre-teen fangirls, babe.”
Sarah rolls her eyes, fixes her glasses with an extended forefinger, and grunts in exasperation.
“Ugh. Whatever.”
She pulls the selfie stick back up into the air and offers those watching on both CoolTube and CircleTV her Billion $$$ Smile.
N-E-WAYS! We are BOTH here today...if IF you don’t get to see some of that caramel sweetness like I promised...because this week marks the RETURN of THE most dominent tag team in the HISTORY of wrestling! Now, I KNOW that wrestling has a LOOOONG history of great tag teams, but the FACT of the matter is that NONE of them compare to THIS team! After all, we are the heart and soul of the MOST badass stable in all of wrestling….the #CoolKids!
Now, I KNOW that some people are all “NUH UH, SARAH! YOU GUYS IZ TEH SUXXORS”
But THOSE people would be morons! Or Jet Somers fans. Same boat, and all. Because, seriously, lets count this down a bit, m’kay?
Sarah lowers the selfie stick and makes her way over to the large bed where Kenzi sits. She was wearing one of her “Firestarter” dresses, the line of clothing she made...by hand, because she was THAT nerd...as “the mysterious LENA,” with this one being a black and red dress, lined with tiny rows of bows, the train falling to the floor and dragging behind her. Kenzi was VERY happy that Sarah had gotten over her green kick from 2018 and was back to wearing her traditional black and red motif more often than not. It takes Sarah a while, but she is able to use one of their step stools to hoist herself up onto the bed and next to Kenzi. Sarah gives her a quick smile before bringing the selfie stick back up and back into character.
Sers, lets take a look at us, okay? Between the four of us...that’s Angie, Roxy, Kenzi, and myself...we have literally held EVERY title in the UGWC! Angie: World, Chaos, and Cooperative...one good night away from a grand slam! Roxy: Cross-Hemisphere, Cooperative, Trios Tournament, and Global Challenge! My Beloved: Two-Time Cooperative Champion, Trios Tournament, and WrestleStock Cup! And myself: Cooperative Champion, WrestleStock Cup, and the NUMBER ONE Cross-Hemisphere Champion, as voted on by the TOTES unbiased number crunches over at Cool Rankings! Just THINK about that: Between the four of us, you have literally EVERY title belt and THREE of the four tournaments this company has to offer! In about two years, we have literally won EVERYTHING this company has to offer, with only the Massive Melee and Outlast currently beyond our reach.
Now, I KNOW that OTHER groups and stables and alliances and whatnot have done GREAT things. And that’s TOTES coolio. But compared to us? Might as well be the Alliance Starter Kit. Legit, might as well be training wheels on a cute-as-FLAME kid’s trike next to our badass Harley Davidson, ya know? And we PROVED our prowess at WrestleStock! We went in and did EXACTLY what we said we were going to do. We-
Kenzi stifles a giggle as she listens to Sarah go on and on. Their entire group was good at self promotion, though Angie did so in a much different way, but there was just SOMETHING about Sarah’s self-confidence. She was royalty, though she often tried to push that idea aside, outside of some of the names she gave herself, and she carried herself with a poise which could not be taken away. Not even when she was hurt. Kenzi’s eyes narrow a touch as Sarah does a show of showing her hands to the camera, and her audience, the fan club called “The Fang Gang,” and sees that her hands tremble a little as she counts off the ways the followed up what they had planned going into WrestleStock.
-gave those STUPID lizards a BIG OL’ whoopass and taught them that, hey, they’re not so badass when they don’t have the element of surprise, huh? Not such amazeballz wrestlers when the 5’2” Mafia was ready to go! We also made SURE that the Cross-Hemisphere Championship STAYED in the family! Now, I WOULD be making Baby Jesus cry if I said that I was a LITTLE disappointed that the belt lays around the waist of Rox and not me or Kenzi, BUT! The MAIN point was making sure that some gross dude or sleazy guy in a mask didn’t walk away with it, and BLAM! Mission accomplished. Even better that I flew through the air, like one of my baby birds...or even like an angel, to save my Beloved from that DASTARDLY and COWARDLY Generic Heel. And, of course, the MAIN event, the things with ALL the marbles on the line, ended with Angelica trouncing Step-Mumsie and ending that historic title reign. So at the end, it was US standing tall!
And that brings us to THIS week, Fangers! The Coalition is heading into the second half of the year with the #CoolKids on top! SOON! We’ll be teaming together for Outlast! SOON! Six craxy-ass people will be in the Battleground. SOON! We’ll be meeting our fates at Horizons. But BEFORE then, we get to see us ALL in action! The 5’2” Mafia...that formerly named Team Kickass, for those not keeping track at home...will be in action for the first time in an AGE!
Kenzi’s face flushes a bit as Sarah sets down the selfie stick and moves closer to her before throwing her arm around her shoulders. Sarah crushes Kenzi in her grip as she brings in her tight, a move which reminds her that, yes, much of Sarah’s strength had returned. It had been nearly two years since the car accident...since the day Kenzi’s heart had almost died...and it had been a long road, but they were near the end of it. Sarah had recently been boasting...to literally everyone who was fool enough to stick around long enough to listen...that she was back to her original fighting weight of 135 pounds. And while she didn’t quite have all the leg muscle she used to, her butt was back to being as big and firm as it ever had been. Which certainly pleased Kenzi!
The entire WORLD of wrestling is in for a TREAT, baby birds! Because there is NO stopping THIS team! Now...yes...there IS the SMALL issue of myself being a bit of a third wheel in the Cooperative ranks...since my Beloved has a partner...but that is WHOLLY my fault. And something I WILL deal with when the time comes. But that’s in the future and this is NOW! Synergy is upon us in a few days and we are facing the team of Deimos and TRoberts, and wholly FUCK are they going to get their asses kicked!
Listen, everyone listening to this knows that I like Deimos, right? I have droned on and on about him before, both in praise and in criticism, so its not like I’m going to go all “YOU IZ TEH SUXXORS” on him right now. Because my opinion on him hasn’t changed! Just like how HE hasn’t changed! Like...at ALL! He is LITERALLY the SAME dude who I beat up in 2017. Twice! And he is LITERALLY the SAME dude who Kenzi and I beat to retain the Cooperative Titles in 2018. Mind you, he has a MUCH better partner in TRoberts than he did in RAAAAAAAAAAAB, but the outcome will still be the same. Though now that I think about it, I sure am glad that our Cooperative Title match last year wasn’t a 4 Hour Ironman Match! We would have jobbed SO hard!
Kenzi doesn’t bother to hide her laugh at this. Raab and Frizz’s ability to “go” for 4 hours was now legendary among their group, and no matter how hard they tried, Kenzi and Sarah just couldn’t beat that mark. They once got close...very close...but still failed. And then couldn’t move for three days without crying in pain. How DOES Frizz deal with the chaffing?!
Kenzi gives Sarah a flat look as her wife makes a loud smacking sound on her cheek with two of her gloved fingers.
“C’mon, Beloved! Gimme some sugar!”
She keeps the flat star. She idly notices that the pattern on Sarah’s thin black gloves was that of a spider’s web. Interesting choice. She had noticed more and more spider webs and patterns in Sarah’s designs lately.
“C’mon! Its TRoberts’ favorite part of our videos!”
Kenzi barks out a sudden burst of laughter. Once again, Sarah’s annoying pleading is too much for her. She has, as they both knew, “zero defense” when it came to her. She leans over, presses her lips to Sarah’s cheek, and gives her a loud and wet smack. Sarah makes a noise in her throat...what they referred to as a purr...and brings her phone back up.
Unfortunately for my Feariest Friend, this is NOT a 4 Hour Ironman Match. This is just a straight-up Cooperative match against the BEST team in wrestling history! A team SO in each other’s heads that we might as well be, like, one super beast. I don’t know if I’ve already made a Voltron analogy in one of these things at some point last year, but I’m going to guess no and do it now. Kenzi and I together are, like, two lion robots that transform and come together and have super powers. Those super powers typically come in the way of double team moves, perfect timing, intuitive thinking, tags and saves without the need for verbal communication, and the SICKEST pair of right hooks that there have EVER been. And THAT is going to amount to yet ANOTHER L in the #CoolRankings column for him this week.
Hey, you know what’s interesting? I made my debut as a wrestler in January of 2017, right? You’ve all heard the story a ton. Valet in Texas to wrestling across the world in Daddy’s footsteps, right? And in that time, I have won over SEVENTY matches! I’m in search of 100, baby! And in THAT time, Phrixus has won...and this is legit...SIXTEEN! Now, I KNOW that somewhere in the world, Lucy Wylde is all “OMG SARAH WINS AREN’T EVERYTHING” but I DO wish to point out that they DO matter! Because while I and Kenzi have won match after match after match, and thus know HOW to win, Deimos has spent all of his time LOSING. Well, except for when he basically murdered Stupid Maggie in January. That was pretty badass. N-E-Way, the POINT here is that Deimos isn’t READY to beat ANY combination of the #CoolKids, especially THIS combination. And his partner isn’t going to help him any!
Look, I know EXACTLY who TRoberts is, while my Sistren probably don’t. Deimos is GREAT with his journaling and cataloging, but EVERYONE knows that I’m the true librarianaround here. I’m the UGWC History Expert ya know? So while my girls were likely scratching their heads as Melee Entrant Finale made his grandious way to the ring, I was busy narrowing my eyes, pushing back my glasses, and taking notes. Because I know who TRoberts is in regards to this company. I know about the untouchable World Title reign. I know about twenty-three wins in 2016, which is a REDONK amount of times getting your arms raised in a UGWC calendar year. I KNOW him. Which means I KNOW that he’s not ready for THIS.
Listen, its EASY to beat up some schleb when you get all ZOMG BERZERKER RAGE when your return doesn’t work out well for you. Beating up McWrestleFace? Been there...done that! Sure, Zane is choosing to cry over the guy getting dropped on his head...because he’s only capable of two emotions and this is currently “CRY BABY MODE” for him...but I don’t give a fuck about the independent loser. So beating HIM up doesn’t matter to me. And then following that up with getting his neck snapped by Step-Mumsie? Literally everyone has that happen to them at some point. Hell, beating Zane at WrestleStock? Pffft. I’ve beaten Zane, too! What this ultimately means is that not only do I KNOW TRoberts….
........
.....................
I also know BETTER.
This is NOT the TRoberts of Baal-like years and Angie-like title reigns with ten defenses. THIS is the TRoberts who found his kryptonite in Vidas and has had Travis Pierce drag his name through the mud for two years. THIS is the TRoberts who left this world behind and had to watch as the #CoolKids burst onto the scene and take over. THIS TRoberts is one who is clamoring for relevance in any way that he can, grasping at any little root which will help him hold on and not fall off a cliff. And unfortunately for him, he’s going to find out that the root he has is this little, itty bitty things without any foundation, and that a couple of Mean Girl Overlords as standing at the face of the cliff and all too ready to slam their stiletto heels into his hands. And as he falls to his doom, he's going to wonder, as he travels downward, "Just who the fuck AM I?", he's going to look up into the eyes of the Grey-Lacklans and find his answer:
Just another loser in a world run by the #CoolKids.
Oh! And ANOTHER thing! I-
PECK PECK PECK PECK
Sarah abruptly lowers her selfie stick as she and Kenzi turn their heads towards a pecking sound. Sarah squeals in delight and gives a hasty send-off for her vlog and then rolls off the bed and skips….literally skips...over to their window overlooking their developing backyard. Along with the aviary, they were putting in grass and a basketball court, and Kenzi had visions of them and all their friends enjoying barbecues together. Sarah opens the window to show one of her pigeons, a bright thing of fluffy white feathers, which a piece of paper strapped to its leg. Sarah pulls it free, unfurls it, and reads, her red eyes moving rapidly beneath her glasses.
“It’s a letter from Angelica.”
Kenzi gives a small shake of her head. It was bad enough that Sarah liked to write letters in 2019, but now Angie was being her pen pal. The two sent one another letters every few days, Sarah’s pigeons making the long flight from California to Texas, where Angie had set up her own small aviary as part of her growing farm. Suddenly, Sarah jumps up and down and claps her hands together excitedly.
“She’s coming for your birthday! I am SO going to find her a cute boy at the club!”
Kenzi smiles and shakes her head again. Her 22nd birthday was on Saturday, and while she and Sarah were going to spend some special time together, they had hoped to go dancing with the gang afterward. Kenzi shakes her head again as Sarah leans in close to the dumb bird, kisses it on the top of its head, and whispers to it. Away it flies to their aviary, where it will rest, eat, and drink while waiting for Sarah to write Angie another letter for it to carry home...
WHO SHOT KENZI GREY?
CHAPTER 1: BASIC INSTINK
Roxy Cotton sat with a bored expression on her face, the tight red one-piece dress she wore hugging every curve on her body. The eyes of the Cross-SemiCircle Champion watched as Bobbi London and Maxine, otherwise known as the ‘Mad Rhymes Protection Agency’ paced back and forth, their own eyes locked on hers. After a moment, Roxy let out a bored sigh of exasperation, then dug in her purse and pulled out a stick of gum. As she started to open the pack, Bobbi cleared her throat then spoke up.
“OI! There’s no bloody gum allowed in ‘ere!”
Roxy narrowed her gaze at the rotund woman, then snorted.
“What are you going to do, charge me with chewing?”
She stuck out her tongue and placed the stick there, letting it sit for a moment, then sucked it in slowly and began to chew, with a smirk on her face. Bobbi and Max looked at one another, then back at Roxy. Bobbi folded her arms across her chest as she started the interrogation.
“Would yous tell us the nature of yous relationship with our client, Kenzi Grey?”
Roxy chewed her gum as she considered the question carefully. She shrugged, then gave a nonchalant answer.
Kenz and I are friends…really, really good friends. We do things together…fun things that friends like to do…”
Roxy blew a large bubble, then sucked it back in with a loud pop.
“…its fun, and I like to have fun.”
Bobbi eyed Roxy, giving a quick glance to the two-way glass at the side of the room before getting more to the point.
“Fun yous say? Tell me Ms. Cotton, do yous find the 'andling of guns to be…fun?”
Roxy’s expression remained placid as she continued to chew. She sighed and shook her head.
“Guns? Why are you asking me about guns? Are you trying to ask me if I was the one that shot Kenzi at WrestleStock?”
“Well, didn’t yous?”
“She’s my friend.”
“That’s not an answer!”
Roxy gave an exasperated sigh as she sat back in her seat.
“I did not and would not ever shoot my friend. It was probably the stupid penguin or his gay butler! Why don’t you go harass them?”
Bobbi turns to Max and the two of them huddle up, silently discussing something between them, though its apparent that Bobbi is doing all of the talking and Max is just nodding. Suddenly Bobbi’s phone rings, blasting lyrics from her entrance theme…
“…YEAH, I GOT MONEY CUNT! YOU GOT MUTHAFUCKIN’ NONE CUNT! I’M NUMBER ONE CUNT, YOU’RE FUCKIN’ DONE CUNT! YOU’RE MOVIN’ STICKS CUNT, I’M MOVIN’ MUTHAFUCKIN’ TONNES CUNT…”
“…bloody fuckin’ ‘ell…”
Bobbi fumbled with her phone as she finally managed to answer it. She glanced at the two-way mirror and then over at Roxy and nodded. She listened to a few more instructions, then hung up as she took a deep breath and rubbed her hands together.
“Ms. Cotton…who would yous consider to be yous closest friend, that yous would NEVER EVER think of shooting; Kenzi or Angie?”
Roxy looked annoyed as she answered.
“I’m not answering that!”
“BECAUSE IT WOULD IMPLICATE YOUS?!”
“BECAUSE IT’S A STUPID QUESTION!”
“…YEAH, I’M A MAD CUNT, YOU’RE JUST A SAD CUNT! MY RHYMES ARE SICK CUNT, YOUR RHYMES ARE JUST PLAIN BAD CUNT…”
“…goddamnit…”
Bobbi again fumbles for her phone and Max leans in to listen as she answers.
“Yeah Mate? I’s just…”
Bobbi stops as she listens and then glances over at Roxy.
“…errr…are yous sure bout that…?”
Bobbi holds the phone away from her face as the response comes in a little too loud. She looks at Max and the muscle-bound woman shrugs. Bobbi gives and exasperated sigh as she looks at Roxy and asks;
“Would yous mind taking off yous shoes?”
Roxy glares at Bobbi and blows a huge bubble before popping it, turning her attention to the two-way mirror.
“I know that’s you back there Sarah! You nasty little foot freak!”
Roxy stares at the glass, then finally sighs as she slips off her heels and rubs her feet together slowly, one on top of the other, then slowly…dramatically, she crosses and then uncrosses them. Roxy gets to her feet, snatching up her shoes.
“I THINK WE ARE DONE HERE!”
Roxy started to storm out, but Bobbi stopped her.
“OI! WHAT THE BLOODY FUCKING ‘ELL ARE YOUS DOING?! WE’S NOT BLOODY ANIMALS IN ‘ERE, YAH KNOW!”
Roxy turned back, glaring at them.
“WHAT?!”
The two of them pointed to the freestanding door that was surrounded by no walls at all, yet they insisted that she use the door all the same. Roxy shook her head.
“You two are insane, you know that, right?”
“Yah, yah…just use the bloody door!”
Roxy pushed the frame over, sending the door crashing to the floor in a huge puff of dust from the un-swept floor. She stormed off as Bobbi called out after her.
“YAH! JUST WHAT A FUCKIN’ GUILTY SHIELA WOULD DO!”
Bobbi and Max looked at one another.
“Gonna put ‘er down as a definite maybe!”
Max nodded in agreement as the duo moved to their corkboard and stared at the pictures and evidence that hung there connected by multicolored strings of yarn for no particular reason…
On the other side of the two-way mirror, Sarah walked out of the room and into the hallway as Kenzi paced back and forth. She stopped as she looked at her wife, then made a keen observation.
“You’re flushed…what did Roxy say?”
Sarah looked flustered.
“Huh?! NO! NOTHING BELOVED! I…no…everything was fine!”
Kenzi nodded.
“I KNEW IT!”
Sarah swallowed hard as her red hued eyes widened behind the thick lenses of the glasses she wore.
“WUT?!”
“I knew Roxy didn’t do it! I knew she was innocent!”
A look of relief settled on Sarah’s face as her wife continued to rant. She pointed a finger at Sarah as she poked it viciously at the air.
“It was that goddamn penguin! I should have known it was that fucking racist penguin!”
“Belov…”
“NO! Don’t say a word! I knew it was the penguin and his DJ the whole time! I just wanted Ichabod to know that I was fair and I looked at all of the suspects!”
Kenzi continued her furious pacing as she continued to rant and rave.
“Call Max and Bobbi! Tell them that we are going to UGWC! Tell them that we got a penguin to rake over the coals!”
Sarah sighed and shook her head as her wife limped off, still showing the effects of the beanbag shot that had hit her in the leg, nearly knocking her out of the finals of the Cross-Hemisphere Title match, where she had vowed to help Roxy retain. Sarah shook her head as she followed her wife, still not convinced of Roxy’s innocence just yet.
WHO SHOT KENZI GREY?
CHAPTER 2: DO ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC PENGUINS?
The penguin held up a flipper to shield its eyes as Maxine turned the light on him.
“GODDAMNIT! WHAT’S WIT ALL DAT FUCKIN’ LIGHT? YOU TWO BITCHES ACT LIKE YOU AINT NEVER SEEN AN AQUATIC FLIGHTLESS BIRD BEFORE! YA’LL OUT HERE PROFILIN’ ME? YA’LL OUT HERE VIOLATIN’ MY FUCKIN’ RIGHTS!”
Max reached over and slapped the flipper down, forcing Boss Penguin to squint at the two of them. He gave a snort of surprise and exasperation.
“HEY! TAKE IT FUCKIN’ EASY THERE CHAZ BONO!”
Bobbi leaned in, taking him roughly by the beak and turning his head to face her.
“Time for yous to start cooperating, or that ‘eat lamp is gonna start drying out yous delicate skin yous dumb fucking bird! By my reckoning, yous got bout 15 minutes before yous end up looking like a big bleeding Chicken McNugget! So tell us, why did you shoot Kenzi Grey at WrestleStock?”
Boss Penguin’s beak fell open as he flopped around in his seat.
“WHY DA FUCK YA’LL TRYIN’ TO FRAME A NIG…ERRR FLIGHTLESS AQUATIC AMERICAN! DA MUTHAFUCKIN’ POLICE IS ALWAYS TRYIN’ TO PUT A PENGUIN IN A CELL CUZ OF DA COLOR OF HIS SKIN!”
Max tapped the shade of the lamp that was beaming down on Boss Penguin. He squinted his eyes even further as Bobbi added.
“Don’t go giving us any sob story! Yous better start talking or yous will be the blackest Flightless Aquatic American on death bloody row! NOW, TELL US WHY YOUS SHOT KENZI!”
The penguin flaps around, angry at the gruff treatment, but Maxine grabs him and forces him to sit still.
“TELL US! WHO ORDERED THE HIT ON KENZI?!”
“YOU STUPID DUMB BITCHES! DAT WAS DA FUCKIN’ POINT OF DA MATCH! WE WERE SUPPOSE TO SHOOT AT YOU GODDAMN IDIOTS!”
Bobbi leans in close, coming nose to beak with the angry water fowl.
“SO! Yous admit it! YOU SHOT KENZ!”
Boss Penguin glared at Bobbi.
“I DIDN’T SHOOT DAT DUMB GOOFY ASS BITCH! I SHOT YOU, LARD ASS!! I SHOT YOUR DUMB ASS FIRST!!”
Bobbi was taken aback by the bird’s vitriol. She kept her mouth shut as he continued to rant and rave.
“YOU MIGHT NOT REMEMBER TUBBY, BUT I REMEMBER! BOSS P NEVER FORGETS SHIT! AT THE MASSIVE FUCKIN’ MELEE YOU PUNTED ME LIKE A GODDAMN FOOTBALL! THAT SHIT WAS PRACTICALLY A HATE CRIME! YOU DON’T KICK A NIGG…ERRRRR FLIGHTLESS AQUATIC AMERICAN LIKE THAT!”
Bobbi grimaces as she remembers the encounter and being shot first. She didn’t know where it had come from, but it was obvious that Boss Penguin knew and he was confessing…just not to the shooting they had come to investigate.
“Well, if it wasn’t yous…then maybe it was HIM!”
Bobbi pointed an accusatory finger at the well-muscled man in the multicolored jumpsuit who went by the name DJ McZygmunt Cubed. The Polish man was unceremoniously tied up in the corner and could only rock his chair back and forth as he attempted to free himself. Boss Penguin honked loudly.
“YOU’RE AN IDIOT! DJ MCZYGMUNT DOES WHAT DA FUCK I SAY AND I SAID TO TAKE YO FLABBY ASS OUT FO’ MUTHAFUCKIN’ PENGUIN-CIDE BITCH! YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HUMILIATIN’ IT IS TO GET PUNTED LIKE YOU A BALL ON FUCKIN’ NFL SUNDAY?! SO, YEAH WE SHOT YO ASS, BUT WE AINT SHOOT YO DUMB ASS BOSS!!!”
Bobbi yoked Boss P up by his neck, holding him firm in one of her meaty paws as she shook him.
“If it wasn’t yous and it wasn’t Zoolander over there, THEN WHO DID IT?! WHO SHOT ME MATE, EH?!!”
Boss Penguin’s eyes bugged out of his head as Bobbi tried to ring the information out of him. Beside her, Maxine shook her head as she turned and stared at the corkboard that had pictures of the suspects. She took up a red marker and put two huge X’s over Boss Penguin and DJ McZygmunt Cubed. She turned back to Bobbi, who was still in the middle of wringing the life out of Boss P and tapped her on the shoulder.
“Hold on Maxie, ‘e’s bout to spill ‘is guts or poop ‘is pants!! Only, ‘e don’t ‘ave pants...so I's hoping for gut spilling!”
Max grabbed her head and turned it to the evidence board and Bobbi stopped and straightened herself as she looked at the list of suspects…which had dwindled to one. Bobbi looked down at Boss P as he lay draped over the armrest with his beak open and his tongue hanging out.
“Look’s like yous off the hook mate.”
The door to the interrogation room opened and Kenzi and Sarah walked in, ignoring the two who were most likely illegally restrained against their will. The duo stood in front of the corkboard, surveying the suspect list that was now down to just one. Sarah sighed heavily, her fists knotting at her sides as she glared at the picture of Roxy that had remained unmarked.
“I guess that tears it, Roxy shot you! Well, that bitch is goin…”
“No! Roxy didn’t do this…”
Kenzi reached up and plucked Roxy’s picture down and held it, staring at the guilty smirk on the face of her friend and #ClearConnection ally. She turned to Sarah.
“These ass-clowns didn’t do it, but SOMEONE did!”
“Errrr…yeah, Roxy did!”
Kenzi shook her head, pacing back and forth, with a pronounced limp from her injury. She continued to stare at the board and the pictures taken on the challenge field on the day of the shooting.
“No…we missed something! There had to be something else…something we didn’t see!”
Sarah put her hand on Kenzi’s shoulder.
“Beloved, I know you care about Roxy, but she cares more about that title than she cares about you. You need to realize that.”
Kenzi is so lost in thought, that she doesn’t respond as stares at the picture, her eyes narrowed into tiny slits. She strokes her chin, then her eyes widen a bit.
“MAX!! ENHANCE GRID 254176!”
For a moment Max just stands there, unsure of what Kenzi is asking, then she picks up a magnifying glass and moves it over the picture of the playing field…randomly, since she had no idea what grid 254176 was.
“Enhance!!”
Max looked at Bobbi and the big Aussie just struggled. Max moved the magnifying glass in closer.
“Pan right and enhance.”
Max moved the magnifying glass over and a bit closer.
“GODDAMN BITCH! WHAT TH FUCK YA’LL BITCHES DOIN’?!”
Sarah smiled deviously as the ‘enhanced’ picture was a tight zoom of Sarah’s boobs as she dashed through the course.
“…boom…distracted…”
Kenzi punched Max in her shoulder hard.
“PAN TO THE OTHER RIGHT!”
Max moved the magnifying glass over the opposite direction and Kenzi grabbed her arm.
“Enhance 15 to 23 and give me a hardcopy right there!”
Max was utterly confused, but thankfully Kenzi was now looking at her wife with a shit-eating grin on her face.
“THERE!!!”
Sarah stared at the pictured and then looked back at Kenzi.
“Wut?”
Kenzi frantically pointed at the image of Phrixus Deimos.
“I HAD ALMOST FORGOT THAT HE WAS OUT THERE! He was involved somehow…I know it!”
Kenzi stared at the image of one half of her opponents for Synergy on Monday.
“Beloved, I think you’re just grasping at straws here. I think we all know that Roxy…”
“IS INNOCENT!!”
The trio groaned at Kenzi as Boss P added…
“GEEZ, HOW DUMB IS THIS FUCKIN’ BROAD?!”
Kenzi turned on her heel grabbing her wife’s arm and pulling her out of the room.
“He did it or he knows something! He’s gonna tell me or I’m gonna beat his goddamn brains in…AGAIN!”
Max and Bobbi sighed as the followed the pair, leaving Boss P and DJ McZygmunt Cubed in the room, still chained to the chairs.
“HEY?! HEY!!! DON’T LEAVE A NIGG…ERRRR FLIGHTLESS AQUATIC AMERICAN CHAINED UP IN HERE LIKE A FUCKIN’ ANIMAL!!!”
The lights shut off as they closed the door behind them.
“I’M AFRAID OF THE DAAAAAAAAAAAARK…”
POETRY JAM
Kenzi's 22nd Birthday
A favorite adventure of the Grey-Lacklans...which the rest of the #CoolKids have thoroughly enjoyed being told about many MANY times...was an series of "culture sharing" experiences the two had done while dating. One such experience was Kenzi taking Sarah to an urban poetry club where, much to Sarah's surprise, she was the center of attention due to a particular asset of hers. Kenzi dropped a touching poem about dedication and love, some insane sexification occurred, much merriment for all. They, and some friends, return to the scene a couple of years later for Kenzi's birthday, and this time it is Sarah who takes the stage, after spending the last few days working hard on her own poem. Everyone knew of her fascination with haiku, but this was far different.
Sarah smiles as she takes the podium, flashing her Billion $$$ whites to the people in the club. Tiny spots of rose color her cheeks above the picture-perfect dimples which appear as she smiles, a tiny tell that she was nervous.
“Hello, everyone! I am sure that I do not exactly look or sound like your normal patrons on this stage, but I can promise you that we all have something very much in common. That thing?”
She sends a wink over to Kenzi.
“The love of dat sweet booty.”
She adjusts her glasses as the crowd chuckles. Someone in the back yells out “HOLLA!” but Sarah’s raised eyebrow shows her ignorance of the cry. After a moment, she lowers that expertly-plucked eyebrow and clears her throat.
“The thing which greets me in the morning with a shine brighter than the sun-
Dat sweet booty
The soft smoothness which allows my head to rest better than a pillow of goose down-
Dat sweet booty
The thing which shakes and jiggles on the dance floor with a legendary hypnotic allure-
Dat sweet booty
That which fills out a pair of blue jeans with such volume as to make them burst at the seams-
Dat sweet booty
The thing which I will be tapping in-”
Sarah reaches into her purse and pulls out a small round watch on a chain...because of course Sarah would have a pocket watch...and looks back up to the crowd after checking the time.
“-about seven minutes-”
Sarah looks back at Kenzi with a hunger in her red eyes as members of the audience howl.
“Dat sweet booty.”
She turns back to the crowd, smiles widely, and gives them one of her well-practiced curtsies.
“Thank you!”
Kenzi stood up as Sarah returned to the table and the pair embraced and share a few tender kisses, to the delight of the crowd. Sarah checked her watch, then the two started to beat a hasty retreat to the door, but cries from the crowd stopped them in their tracks, delaying the seven minutes that Sarah had given herself.
“SPEECH!!”
“COME ON KENZI!”
“GIVE US A POEM KENZ!”
Kenzi shrugged as Sarah gave an annoyed sigh but waved for her to go up on stage as well. Kenzi gave her another peck on the cheek and Sarah reciprocated with a smack to her ass as she hobbled up to the front of the room and stood in front of the podium. She shielded her eyes as she looked out over the room full of expectant faces.
“WOW! I wasn’t expecting this…I didn’t even have anything prepared. So, I guess I can just wing something for you guys. Is that okay for everyone?”
The crowd responded with a collective roar of anticipation. Kenzi took in a deep breath as she peered to the back of the room and saw Sarah pointing to her watch to remind her of the time. Kenzi shook her head and laughed.
“Wow…I don’t know how much poetry this is really going to be, but…”
Kenzi was really quiet for a moment before she finally gathered her thoughts.
“Sarah Selena Lacklan is the best thing to ever come into my life –
She took a stupid bratty little idiot and turned her into a wife.
My Baby…
I never believed in a thousand years that I could ever deserve to be this happy –
She takes good care of me in every way, even braids my hair so it doesn’t get nappy.
My Baby…
She brought me to The Coalition and she taught me how to carry myself with pride –
I learned a lot from my everything, even when she wasn’t there for the ride.
My Baby…
But good things come to those who wait and come Monday the wait is done –
The 5’2” Mafia will be back on the scene and it will be time to have some fun.
My Baby…
She risked her career just to save mines and now that’s a debit I’ll repay –
We are going to Synergy to beat up two fools, it’s a favorite game that we play!
My Baby…
Travis Roberts has come back home to the company he claims to have led –
Well, he might have ran shit back in the 1880’s, but now this is the Cool Kids Fed!
My Baby…
I have tons of respect for my elders, so I hope Travis won’t take this too hard –
My Baby is back and I have shit to prove, so I’m gonna have to pull his punk card!
My Baby
Travis has a part to play in this match, but I’ll leave most of him for my Baby –
I’ll have my eyes on Phrixus Deimos, and he’ll be dealing with one pissed off lady!
My Baby…
Deimos has become my number one suspect, I got him really good before WrestleStock –
But I better hurry up and finish, my wife has got me on the clock!
My Baby…
Phrixus, I KNOW you’re the one that shot me, try to hide it from me all that you like –
The Grey-Lacklans are coming and it will really be funny when Fear finally gets a fright!
My Baby…
Do yourself a favor and admit that you did it, maybe Sarah and I will have pity –
But if you don’t confess then there’s going to be a mess, I promise we can be quite shitty!
My Baby…
Well, my time is up and my poem is done, its about time I go and rest this knee –
Thank each and everyone of you for spending this 22nd birthday with ME!
and MY BABY!!”
The crowd cheered as Kenzi limped off the stage and Sarah was there in a flash to help her. Her red eyes blazed as she hefted Kenzi up over her shoulder and carried her out to the cheers of the fans as she whispered under her breath.
“…goddamn you Raab, that record is mines tonight…”
Sitting on their bed on the second floor, Kenzi’s eyes are lost in thought. The caramel beauty wore little, for the temperature in Los Angeles was difficult in July, and a slight sheen of sweat made her golden skin glow. A heat wave had attacked Southern California for much of the week, with Sarah having been nearly confined to a bathtub filled with ice for the last few days, loudly moaning and complaining about how much cooler it would be in Maine. But much of the heat had broken over the weekend, and now Kenzi found herself simply enjoying the warmth. Her eyes were on the laptop in front of her and looking at a document titled “My Baby.”
“Oh BeLOOOOOOOveeeeeed!”
She raises her head some at the distance voice of her wife, somewhere downstairs, and looks around. The Grey-Lacklan bedroom...where Sar had joked many, MANY times about it being where the magic happens...had a lot more of Sarah’s personality to it than Kenzi’s. Their bed was a King, seeming an ocean of mattress for the 5’2” women, with four posts and a canvas made of silk and lace, the colors of the black and red of the Blood Princess. Pictures lined their walls, a collection of selfies of themselves and their friends and family, in a seemingly random timeline. Both of them had night stands on either side of the bed, Sar on the left and Kenzi on the right, each with various personal effects. Phone chargers, small books to read, a stand for Sarah’s glasses. Each also both had more pictures on their night stands, both keeping close memories of their wedding day and their most updated pictures. Kenzi cannot help but smile and shake her head at one of the pictures on Sarah’s side, that of the two of them in one of those old photo booths at a bowling alley from their second date.
“Beloved?!”
Kenzi hears a muted call. Getting closer.
“Damn it, Wife! Where are you?”
Kenzi’s face turns into a scowl. She hated when Sarah called her that.
“In the bedroom!”
“Coolio! Are you decent?”
Kenzi looks down at herself and at her clothes. Not much, just a sports bra and leggings, but a silly smile comes to her lips.
“Nope! Totally naked in here. Birthday suit, and everything.”
The door to their room bursts open so hard it rattles on its hinges
HIIIII-iiiiiii!
This is your reason for being, the influencer of influencers, Sarah Grey-Lacklan here, and I am LIIIIIIVE from Lacklanland West! And as you can imagine, I am TOTES not alone because-
What the-
Damnit, Wife!
Sarah lowers the selfie stick holding her clunky Windows phone and stares daggers at Kenzi. With her hair pulled back into a braid to keep her neck cool, the Blood Princess still showed signs of having difficulty with the heat, with small bags at the bottom of her eyes and tiny lines of sweat tearing through her makeup. She wore far too much of that makeup, something she rarely did around the house when it was just the two of them...well, the two of them and the full TEN “employees” who had joined them from Sarah’s home in Maine last month...but Kenzi knew Sarah wasn’t about to do her vlog with a plain face. Sarah tried to hide her self consciousness over the deep worry lines which made her seem far older than she was, but Kenzi missed little when it came to her. Along with her wife’s insatiable love of shoes and accessories, quite a bit of her paycheck went into the makeup to cover up the physical effect that the stress of 2017 had caused on her face.
“You said that you were NOT decent! And here I find you...CLOTHED...which means that my Fang Gang DON’T get to see me ‘accidentally’ catching the sweetest booty in ALL the land! What do you have to say for yourself?!”
Kenzi can’t help but laugh as she tosses her braids over her shoulder.
“I am SO sorry to disappoint all of your pre-teen fangirls, babe.”
Sarah rolls her eyes, fixes her glasses with an extended forefinger, and grunts in exasperation.
“Ugh. Whatever.”
She pulls the selfie stick back up into the air and offers those watching on both CoolTube and CircleTV her Billion $$$ Smile.
N-E-WAYS! We are BOTH here today...if IF you don’t get to see some of that caramel sweetness like I promised...because this week marks the RETURN of THE most dominent tag team in the HISTORY of wrestling! Now, I KNOW that wrestling has a LOOOONG history of great tag teams, but the FACT of the matter is that NONE of them compare to THIS team! After all, we are the heart and soul of the MOST badass stable in all of wrestling….the #CoolKids!
Now, I KNOW that some people are all “NUH UH, SARAH! YOU GUYS IZ TEH SUXXORS”
But THOSE people would be morons! Or Jet Somers fans. Same boat, and all. Because, seriously, lets count this down a bit, m’kay?
Sarah lowers the selfie stick and makes her way over to the large bed where Kenzi sits. She was wearing one of her “Firestarter” dresses, the line of clothing she made...by hand, because she was THAT nerd...as “the mysterious LENA,” with this one being a black and red dress, lined with tiny rows of bows, the train falling to the floor and dragging behind her. Kenzi was VERY happy that Sarah had gotten over her green kick from 2018 and was back to wearing her traditional black and red motif more often than not. It takes Sarah a while, but she is able to use one of their step stools to hoist herself up onto the bed and next to Kenzi. Sarah gives her a quick smile before bringing the selfie stick back up and back into character.
Sers, lets take a look at us, okay? Between the four of us...that’s Angie, Roxy, Kenzi, and myself...we have literally held EVERY title in the UGWC! Angie: World, Chaos, and Cooperative...one good night away from a grand slam! Roxy: Cross-Hemisphere, Cooperative, Trios Tournament, and Global Challenge! My Beloved: Two-Time Cooperative Champion, Trios Tournament, and WrestleStock Cup! And myself: Cooperative Champion, WrestleStock Cup, and the NUMBER ONE Cross-Hemisphere Champion, as voted on by the TOTES unbiased number crunches over at Cool Rankings! Just THINK about that: Between the four of us, you have literally EVERY title belt and THREE of the four tournaments this company has to offer! In about two years, we have literally won EVERYTHING this company has to offer, with only the Massive Melee and Outlast currently beyond our reach.
Now, I KNOW that OTHER groups and stables and alliances and whatnot have done GREAT things. And that’s TOTES coolio. But compared to us? Might as well be the Alliance Starter Kit. Legit, might as well be training wheels on a cute-as-FLAME kid’s trike next to our badass Harley Davidson, ya know? And we PROVED our prowess at WrestleStock! We went in and did EXACTLY what we said we were going to do. We-
Kenzi stifles a giggle as she listens to Sarah go on and on. Their entire group was good at self promotion, though Angie did so in a much different way, but there was just SOMETHING about Sarah’s self-confidence. She was royalty, though she often tried to push that idea aside, outside of some of the names she gave herself, and she carried herself with a poise which could not be taken away. Not even when she was hurt. Kenzi’s eyes narrow a touch as Sarah does a show of showing her hands to the camera, and her audience, the fan club called “The Fang Gang,” and sees that her hands tremble a little as she counts off the ways the followed up what they had planned going into WrestleStock.
-gave those STUPID lizards a BIG OL’ whoopass and taught them that, hey, they’re not so badass when they don’t have the element of surprise, huh? Not such amazeballz wrestlers when the 5’2” Mafia was ready to go! We also made SURE that the Cross-Hemisphere Championship STAYED in the family! Now, I WOULD be making Baby Jesus cry if I said that I was a LITTLE disappointed that the belt lays around the waist of Rox and not me or Kenzi, BUT! The MAIN point was making sure that some gross dude or sleazy guy in a mask didn’t walk away with it, and BLAM! Mission accomplished. Even better that I flew through the air, like one of my baby birds...or even like an angel, to save my Beloved from that DASTARDLY and COWARDLY Generic Heel. And, of course, the MAIN event, the things with ALL the marbles on the line, ended with Angelica trouncing Step-Mumsie and ending that historic title reign. So at the end, it was US standing tall!
And that brings us to THIS week, Fangers! The Coalition is heading into the second half of the year with the #CoolKids on top! SOON! We’ll be teaming together for Outlast! SOON! Six craxy-ass people will be in the Battleground. SOON! We’ll be meeting our fates at Horizons. But BEFORE then, we get to see us ALL in action! The 5’2” Mafia...that formerly named Team Kickass, for those not keeping track at home...will be in action for the first time in an AGE!
Kenzi’s face flushes a bit as Sarah sets down the selfie stick and moves closer to her before throwing her arm around her shoulders. Sarah crushes Kenzi in her grip as she brings in her tight, a move which reminds her that, yes, much of Sarah’s strength had returned. It had been nearly two years since the car accident...since the day Kenzi’s heart had almost died...and it had been a long road, but they were near the end of it. Sarah had recently been boasting...to literally everyone who was fool enough to stick around long enough to listen...that she was back to her original fighting weight of 135 pounds. And while she didn’t quite have all the leg muscle she used to, her butt was back to being as big and firm as it ever had been. Which certainly pleased Kenzi!
The entire WORLD of wrestling is in for a TREAT, baby birds! Because there is NO stopping THIS team! Now...yes...there IS the SMALL issue of myself being a bit of a third wheel in the Cooperative ranks...since my Beloved has a partner...but that is WHOLLY my fault. And something I WILL deal with when the time comes. But that’s in the future and this is NOW! Synergy is upon us in a few days and we are facing the team of Deimos and TRoberts, and wholly FUCK are they going to get their asses kicked!
Listen, everyone listening to this knows that I like Deimos, right? I have droned on and on about him before, both in praise and in criticism, so its not like I’m going to go all “YOU IZ TEH SUXXORS” on him right now. Because my opinion on him hasn’t changed! Just like how HE hasn’t changed! Like...at ALL! He is LITERALLY the SAME dude who I beat up in 2017. Twice! And he is LITERALLY the SAME dude who Kenzi and I beat to retain the Cooperative Titles in 2018. Mind you, he has a MUCH better partner in TRoberts than he did in RAAAAAAAAAAAB, but the outcome will still be the same. Though now that I think about it, I sure am glad that our Cooperative Title match last year wasn’t a 4 Hour Ironman Match! We would have jobbed SO hard!
Kenzi doesn’t bother to hide her laugh at this. Raab and Frizz’s ability to “go” for 4 hours was now legendary among their group, and no matter how hard they tried, Kenzi and Sarah just couldn’t beat that mark. They once got close...very close...but still failed. And then couldn’t move for three days without crying in pain. How DOES Frizz deal with the chaffing?!
Kenzi gives Sarah a flat look as her wife makes a loud smacking sound on her cheek with two of her gloved fingers.
“C’mon, Beloved! Gimme some sugar!”
She keeps the flat star. She idly notices that the pattern on Sarah’s thin black gloves was that of a spider’s web. Interesting choice. She had noticed more and more spider webs and patterns in Sarah’s designs lately.
“C’mon! Its TRoberts’ favorite part of our videos!”
Kenzi barks out a sudden burst of laughter. Once again, Sarah’s annoying pleading is too much for her. She has, as they both knew, “zero defense” when it came to her. She leans over, presses her lips to Sarah’s cheek, and gives her a loud and wet smack. Sarah makes a noise in her throat...what they referred to as a purr...and brings her phone back up.
Unfortunately for my Feariest Friend, this is NOT a 4 Hour Ironman Match. This is just a straight-up Cooperative match against the BEST team in wrestling history! A team SO in each other’s heads that we might as well be, like, one super beast. I don’t know if I’ve already made a Voltron analogy in one of these things at some point last year, but I’m going to guess no and do it now. Kenzi and I together are, like, two lion robots that transform and come together and have super powers. Those super powers typically come in the way of double team moves, perfect timing, intuitive thinking, tags and saves without the need for verbal communication, and the SICKEST pair of right hooks that there have EVER been. And THAT is going to amount to yet ANOTHER L in the #CoolRankings column for him this week.
Hey, you know what’s interesting? I made my debut as a wrestler in January of 2017, right? You’ve all heard the story a ton. Valet in Texas to wrestling across the world in Daddy’s footsteps, right? And in that time, I have won over SEVENTY matches! I’m in search of 100, baby! And in THAT time, Phrixus has won...and this is legit...SIXTEEN! Now, I KNOW that somewhere in the world, Lucy Wylde is all “OMG SARAH WINS AREN’T EVERYTHING” but I DO wish to point out that they DO matter! Because while I and Kenzi have won match after match after match, and thus know HOW to win, Deimos has spent all of his time LOSING. Well, except for when he basically murdered Stupid Maggie in January. That was pretty badass. N-E-Way, the POINT here is that Deimos isn’t READY to beat ANY combination of the #CoolKids, especially THIS combination. And his partner isn’t going to help him any!
Look, I know EXACTLY who TRoberts is, while my Sistren probably don’t. Deimos is GREAT with his journaling and cataloging, but EVERYONE knows that I’m the true librarianaround here. I’m the UGWC History Expert ya know? So while my girls were likely scratching their heads as Melee Entrant Finale made his grandious way to the ring, I was busy narrowing my eyes, pushing back my glasses, and taking notes. Because I know who TRoberts is in regards to this company. I know about the untouchable World Title reign. I know about twenty-three wins in 2016, which is a REDONK amount of times getting your arms raised in a UGWC calendar year. I KNOW him. Which means I KNOW that he’s not ready for THIS.
Listen, its EASY to beat up some schleb when you get all ZOMG BERZERKER RAGE when your return doesn’t work out well for you. Beating up McWrestleFace? Been there...done that! Sure, Zane is choosing to cry over the guy getting dropped on his head...because he’s only capable of two emotions and this is currently “CRY BABY MODE” for him...but I don’t give a fuck about the independent loser. So beating HIM up doesn’t matter to me. And then following that up with getting his neck snapped by Step-Mumsie? Literally everyone has that happen to them at some point. Hell, beating Zane at WrestleStock? Pffft. I’ve beaten Zane, too! What this ultimately means is that not only do I KNOW TRoberts….
........
.....................
I also know BETTER.
This is NOT the TRoberts of Baal-like years and Angie-like title reigns with ten defenses. THIS is the TRoberts who found his kryptonite in Vidas and has had Travis Pierce drag his name through the mud for two years. THIS is the TRoberts who left this world behind and had to watch as the #CoolKids burst onto the scene and take over. THIS TRoberts is one who is clamoring for relevance in any way that he can, grasping at any little root which will help him hold on and not fall off a cliff. And unfortunately for him, he’s going to find out that the root he has is this little, itty bitty things without any foundation, and that a couple of Mean Girl Overlords as standing at the face of the cliff and all too ready to slam their stiletto heels into his hands. And as he falls to his doom, he's going to wonder, as he travels downward, "Just who the fuck AM I?", he's going to look up into the eyes of the Grey-Lacklans and find his answer:
Just another loser in a world run by the #CoolKids.
Oh! And ANOTHER thing! I-
PECK PECK PECK PECK
Sarah abruptly lowers her selfie stick as she and Kenzi turn their heads towards a pecking sound. Sarah squeals in delight and gives a hasty send-off for her vlog and then rolls off the bed and skips….literally skips...over to their window overlooking their developing backyard. Along with the aviary, they were putting in grass and a basketball court, and Kenzi had visions of them and all their friends enjoying barbecues together. Sarah opens the window to show one of her pigeons, a bright thing of fluffy white feathers, which a piece of paper strapped to its leg. Sarah pulls it free, unfurls it, and reads, her red eyes moving rapidly beneath her glasses.
“It’s a letter from Angelica.”
Kenzi gives a small shake of her head. It was bad enough that Sarah liked to write letters in 2019, but now Angie was being her pen pal. The two sent one another letters every few days, Sarah’s pigeons making the long flight from California to Texas, where Angie had set up her own small aviary as part of her growing farm. Suddenly, Sarah jumps up and down and claps her hands together excitedly.
“She’s coming for your birthday! I am SO going to find her a cute boy at the club!”
Kenzi smiles and shakes her head again. Her 22nd birthday was on Saturday, and while she and Sarah were going to spend some special time together, they had hoped to go dancing with the gang afterward. Kenzi shakes her head again as Sarah leans in close to the dumb bird, kisses it on the top of its head, and whispers to it. Away it flies to their aviary, where it will rest, eat, and drink while waiting for Sarah to write Angie another letter for it to carry home...
WHO SHOT KENZI GREY?
CHAPTER 1: BASIC INSTINK
Roxy Cotton sat with a bored expression on her face, the tight red one-piece dress she wore hugging every curve on her body. The eyes of the Cross-SemiCircle Champion watched as Bobbi London and Maxine, otherwise known as the ‘Mad Rhymes Protection Agency’ paced back and forth, their own eyes locked on hers. After a moment, Roxy let out a bored sigh of exasperation, then dug in her purse and pulled out a stick of gum. As she started to open the pack, Bobbi cleared her throat then spoke up.
“OI! There’s no bloody gum allowed in ‘ere!”
Roxy narrowed her gaze at the rotund woman, then snorted.
“What are you going to do, charge me with chewing?”
She stuck out her tongue and placed the stick there, letting it sit for a moment, then sucked it in slowly and began to chew, with a smirk on her face. Bobbi and Max looked at one another, then back at Roxy. Bobbi folded her arms across her chest as she started the interrogation.
“Would yous tell us the nature of yous relationship with our client, Kenzi Grey?”
Roxy chewed her gum as she considered the question carefully. She shrugged, then gave a nonchalant answer.
Kenz and I are friends…really, really good friends. We do things together…fun things that friends like to do…”
Roxy blew a large bubble, then sucked it back in with a loud pop.
“…its fun, and I like to have fun.”
Bobbi eyed Roxy, giving a quick glance to the two-way glass at the side of the room before getting more to the point.
“Fun yous say? Tell me Ms. Cotton, do yous find the 'andling of guns to be…fun?”
Roxy’s expression remained placid as she continued to chew. She sighed and shook her head.
“Guns? Why are you asking me about guns? Are you trying to ask me if I was the one that shot Kenzi at WrestleStock?”
“Well, didn’t yous?”
“She’s my friend.”
“That’s not an answer!”
Roxy gave an exasperated sigh as she sat back in her seat.
“I did not and would not ever shoot my friend. It was probably the stupid penguin or his gay butler! Why don’t you go harass them?”
Bobbi turns to Max and the two of them huddle up, silently discussing something between them, though its apparent that Bobbi is doing all of the talking and Max is just nodding. Suddenly Bobbi’s phone rings, blasting lyrics from her entrance theme…
“…YEAH, I GOT MONEY CUNT! YOU GOT MUTHAFUCKIN’ NONE CUNT! I’M NUMBER ONE CUNT, YOU’RE FUCKIN’ DONE CUNT! YOU’RE MOVIN’ STICKS CUNT, I’M MOVIN’ MUTHAFUCKIN’ TONNES CUNT…”
“…bloody fuckin’ ‘ell…”
Bobbi fumbled with her phone as she finally managed to answer it. She glanced at the two-way mirror and then over at Roxy and nodded. She listened to a few more instructions, then hung up as she took a deep breath and rubbed her hands together.
“Ms. Cotton…who would yous consider to be yous closest friend, that yous would NEVER EVER think of shooting; Kenzi or Angie?”
Roxy looked annoyed as she answered.
“I’m not answering that!”
“BECAUSE IT WOULD IMPLICATE YOUS?!”
“BECAUSE IT’S A STUPID QUESTION!”
“…YEAH, I’M A MAD CUNT, YOU’RE JUST A SAD CUNT! MY RHYMES ARE SICK CUNT, YOUR RHYMES ARE JUST PLAIN BAD CUNT…”
“…goddamnit…”
Bobbi again fumbles for her phone and Max leans in to listen as she answers.
“Yeah Mate? I’s just…”
Bobbi stops as she listens and then glances over at Roxy.
“…errr…are yous sure bout that…?”
Bobbi holds the phone away from her face as the response comes in a little too loud. She looks at Max and the muscle-bound woman shrugs. Bobbi gives and exasperated sigh as she looks at Roxy and asks;
“Would yous mind taking off yous shoes?”
Roxy glares at Bobbi and blows a huge bubble before popping it, turning her attention to the two-way mirror.
“I know that’s you back there Sarah! You nasty little foot freak!”
Roxy stares at the glass, then finally sighs as she slips off her heels and rubs her feet together slowly, one on top of the other, then slowly…dramatically, she crosses and then uncrosses them. Roxy gets to her feet, snatching up her shoes.
“I THINK WE ARE DONE HERE!”
Roxy started to storm out, but Bobbi stopped her.
“OI! WHAT THE BLOODY FUCKING ‘ELL ARE YOUS DOING?! WE’S NOT BLOODY ANIMALS IN ‘ERE, YAH KNOW!”
Roxy turned back, glaring at them.
“WHAT?!”
The two of them pointed to the freestanding door that was surrounded by no walls at all, yet they insisted that she use the door all the same. Roxy shook her head.
“You two are insane, you know that, right?”
“Yah, yah…just use the bloody door!”
Roxy pushed the frame over, sending the door crashing to the floor in a huge puff of dust from the un-swept floor. She stormed off as Bobbi called out after her.
“YAH! JUST WHAT A FUCKIN’ GUILTY SHIELA WOULD DO!”
Bobbi and Max looked at one another.
“Gonna put ‘er down as a definite maybe!”
Max nodded in agreement as the duo moved to their corkboard and stared at the pictures and evidence that hung there connected by multicolored strings of yarn for no particular reason…
On the other side of the two-way mirror, Sarah walked out of the room and into the hallway as Kenzi paced back and forth. She stopped as she looked at her wife, then made a keen observation.
“You’re flushed…what did Roxy say?”
Sarah looked flustered.
“Huh?! NO! NOTHING BELOVED! I…no…everything was fine!”
Kenzi nodded.
“I KNEW IT!”
Sarah swallowed hard as her red hued eyes widened behind the thick lenses of the glasses she wore.
“WUT?!”
“I knew Roxy didn’t do it! I knew she was innocent!”
A look of relief settled on Sarah’s face as her wife continued to rant. She pointed a finger at Sarah as she poked it viciously at the air.
“It was that goddamn penguin! I should have known it was that fucking racist penguin!”
“Belov…”
“NO! Don’t say a word! I knew it was the penguin and his DJ the whole time! I just wanted Ichabod to know that I was fair and I looked at all of the suspects!”
Kenzi continued her furious pacing as she continued to rant and rave.
“Call Max and Bobbi! Tell them that we are going to UGWC! Tell them that we got a penguin to rake over the coals!”
Sarah sighed and shook her head as her wife limped off, still showing the effects of the beanbag shot that had hit her in the leg, nearly knocking her out of the finals of the Cross-Hemisphere Title match, where she had vowed to help Roxy retain. Sarah shook her head as she followed her wife, still not convinced of Roxy’s innocence just yet.
WHO SHOT KENZI GREY?
CHAPTER 2: DO ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC PENGUINS?
The penguin held up a flipper to shield its eyes as Maxine turned the light on him.
“GODDAMNIT! WHAT’S WIT ALL DAT FUCKIN’ LIGHT? YOU TWO BITCHES ACT LIKE YOU AINT NEVER SEEN AN AQUATIC FLIGHTLESS BIRD BEFORE! YA’LL OUT HERE PROFILIN’ ME? YA’LL OUT HERE VIOLATIN’ MY FUCKIN’ RIGHTS!”
Max reached over and slapped the flipper down, forcing Boss Penguin to squint at the two of them. He gave a snort of surprise and exasperation.
“HEY! TAKE IT FUCKIN’ EASY THERE CHAZ BONO!”
Bobbi leaned in, taking him roughly by the beak and turning his head to face her.
“Time for yous to start cooperating, or that ‘eat lamp is gonna start drying out yous delicate skin yous dumb fucking bird! By my reckoning, yous got bout 15 minutes before yous end up looking like a big bleeding Chicken McNugget! So tell us, why did you shoot Kenzi Grey at WrestleStock?”
Boss Penguin’s beak fell open as he flopped around in his seat.
“WHY DA FUCK YA’LL TRYIN’ TO FRAME A NIG…ERRR FLIGHTLESS AQUATIC AMERICAN! DA MUTHAFUCKIN’ POLICE IS ALWAYS TRYIN’ TO PUT A PENGUIN IN A CELL CUZ OF DA COLOR OF HIS SKIN!”
Max tapped the shade of the lamp that was beaming down on Boss Penguin. He squinted his eyes even further as Bobbi added.
“Don’t go giving us any sob story! Yous better start talking or yous will be the blackest Flightless Aquatic American on death bloody row! NOW, TELL US WHY YOUS SHOT KENZI!”
The penguin flaps around, angry at the gruff treatment, but Maxine grabs him and forces him to sit still.
“TELL US! WHO ORDERED THE HIT ON KENZI?!”
“YOU STUPID DUMB BITCHES! DAT WAS DA FUCKIN’ POINT OF DA MATCH! WE WERE SUPPOSE TO SHOOT AT YOU GODDAMN IDIOTS!”
Bobbi leans in close, coming nose to beak with the angry water fowl.
“SO! Yous admit it! YOU SHOT KENZ!”
Boss Penguin glared at Bobbi.
“I DIDN’T SHOOT DAT DUMB GOOFY ASS BITCH! I SHOT YOU, LARD ASS!! I SHOT YOUR DUMB ASS FIRST!!”
Bobbi was taken aback by the bird’s vitriol. She kept her mouth shut as he continued to rant and rave.
“YOU MIGHT NOT REMEMBER TUBBY, BUT I REMEMBER! BOSS P NEVER FORGETS SHIT! AT THE MASSIVE FUCKIN’ MELEE YOU PUNTED ME LIKE A GODDAMN FOOTBALL! THAT SHIT WAS PRACTICALLY A HATE CRIME! YOU DON’T KICK A NIGG…ERRRRR FLIGHTLESS AQUATIC AMERICAN LIKE THAT!”
Bobbi grimaces as she remembers the encounter and being shot first. She didn’t know where it had come from, but it was obvious that Boss Penguin knew and he was confessing…just not to the shooting they had come to investigate.
“Well, if it wasn’t yous…then maybe it was HIM!”
Bobbi pointed an accusatory finger at the well-muscled man in the multicolored jumpsuit who went by the name DJ McZygmunt Cubed. The Polish man was unceremoniously tied up in the corner and could only rock his chair back and forth as he attempted to free himself. Boss Penguin honked loudly.
“YOU’RE AN IDIOT! DJ MCZYGMUNT DOES WHAT DA FUCK I SAY AND I SAID TO TAKE YO FLABBY ASS OUT FO’ MUTHAFUCKIN’ PENGUIN-CIDE BITCH! YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HUMILIATIN’ IT IS TO GET PUNTED LIKE YOU A BALL ON FUCKIN’ NFL SUNDAY?! SO, YEAH WE SHOT YO ASS, BUT WE AINT SHOOT YO DUMB ASS BOSS!!!”
Bobbi yoked Boss P up by his neck, holding him firm in one of her meaty paws as she shook him.
“If it wasn’t yous and it wasn’t Zoolander over there, THEN WHO DID IT?! WHO SHOT ME MATE, EH?!!”
Boss Penguin’s eyes bugged out of his head as Bobbi tried to ring the information out of him. Beside her, Maxine shook her head as she turned and stared at the corkboard that had pictures of the suspects. She took up a red marker and put two huge X’s over Boss Penguin and DJ McZygmunt Cubed. She turned back to Bobbi, who was still in the middle of wringing the life out of Boss P and tapped her on the shoulder.
“Hold on Maxie, ‘e’s bout to spill ‘is guts or poop ‘is pants!! Only, ‘e don’t ‘ave pants...so I's hoping for gut spilling!”
Max grabbed her head and turned it to the evidence board and Bobbi stopped and straightened herself as she looked at the list of suspects…which had dwindled to one. Bobbi looked down at Boss P as he lay draped over the armrest with his beak open and his tongue hanging out.
“Look’s like yous off the hook mate.”
The door to the interrogation room opened and Kenzi and Sarah walked in, ignoring the two who were most likely illegally restrained against their will. The duo stood in front of the corkboard, surveying the suspect list that was now down to just one. Sarah sighed heavily, her fists knotting at her sides as she glared at the picture of Roxy that had remained unmarked.
“I guess that tears it, Roxy shot you! Well, that bitch is goin…”
“No! Roxy didn’t do this…”
Kenzi reached up and plucked Roxy’s picture down and held it, staring at the guilty smirk on the face of her friend and #ClearConnection ally. She turned to Sarah.
“These ass-clowns didn’t do it, but SOMEONE did!”
“Errrr…yeah, Roxy did!”
Kenzi shook her head, pacing back and forth, with a pronounced limp from her injury. She continued to stare at the board and the pictures taken on the challenge field on the day of the shooting.
“No…we missed something! There had to be something else…something we didn’t see!”
Sarah put her hand on Kenzi’s shoulder.
“Beloved, I know you care about Roxy, but she cares more about that title than she cares about you. You need to realize that.”
Kenzi is so lost in thought, that she doesn’t respond as stares at the picture, her eyes narrowed into tiny slits. She strokes her chin, then her eyes widen a bit.
“MAX!! ENHANCE GRID 254176!”
For a moment Max just stands there, unsure of what Kenzi is asking, then she picks up a magnifying glass and moves it over the picture of the playing field…randomly, since she had no idea what grid 254176 was.
“Enhance!!”
Max looked at Bobbi and the big Aussie just struggled. Max moved the magnifying glass in closer.
“Pan right and enhance.”
Max moved the magnifying glass over and a bit closer.
“GODDAMN BITCH! WHAT TH FUCK YA’LL BITCHES DOIN’?!”
Sarah smiled deviously as the ‘enhanced’ picture was a tight zoom of Sarah’s boobs as she dashed through the course.
“…boom…distracted…”
Kenzi punched Max in her shoulder hard.
“PAN TO THE OTHER RIGHT!”
Max moved the magnifying glass over the opposite direction and Kenzi grabbed her arm.
“Enhance 15 to 23 and give me a hardcopy right there!”
Max was utterly confused, but thankfully Kenzi was now looking at her wife with a shit-eating grin on her face.
“THERE!!!”
Sarah stared at the pictured and then looked back at Kenzi.
“Wut?”
Kenzi frantically pointed at the image of Phrixus Deimos.
“I HAD ALMOST FORGOT THAT HE WAS OUT THERE! He was involved somehow…I know it!”
Kenzi stared at the image of one half of her opponents for Synergy on Monday.
“Beloved, I think you’re just grasping at straws here. I think we all know that Roxy…”
“IS INNOCENT!!”
The trio groaned at Kenzi as Boss P added…
“GEEZ, HOW DUMB IS THIS FUCKIN’ BROAD?!”
Kenzi turned on her heel grabbing her wife’s arm and pulling her out of the room.
“He did it or he knows something! He’s gonna tell me or I’m gonna beat his goddamn brains in…AGAIN!”
Max and Bobbi sighed as the followed the pair, leaving Boss P and DJ McZygmunt Cubed in the room, still chained to the chairs.
“HEY?! HEY!!! DON’T LEAVE A NIGG…ERRRR FLIGHTLESS AQUATIC AMERICAN CHAINED UP IN HERE LIKE A FUCKIN’ ANIMAL!!!”
The lights shut off as they closed the door behind them.
“I’M AFRAID OF THE DAAAAAAAAAAAARK…”
POETRY JAM
Kenzi's 22nd Birthday
A favorite adventure of the Grey-Lacklans...which the rest of the #CoolKids have thoroughly enjoyed being told about many MANY times...was an series of "culture sharing" experiences the two had done while dating. One such experience was Kenzi taking Sarah to an urban poetry club where, much to Sarah's surprise, she was the center of attention due to a particular asset of hers. Kenzi dropped a touching poem about dedication and love, some insane sexification occurred, much merriment for all. They, and some friends, return to the scene a couple of years later for Kenzi's birthday, and this time it is Sarah who takes the stage, after spending the last few days working hard on her own poem. Everyone knew of her fascination with haiku, but this was far different.
Sarah smiles as she takes the podium, flashing her Billion $$$ whites to the people in the club. Tiny spots of rose color her cheeks above the picture-perfect dimples which appear as she smiles, a tiny tell that she was nervous.
“Hello, everyone! I am sure that I do not exactly look or sound like your normal patrons on this stage, but I can promise you that we all have something very much in common. That thing?”
She sends a wink over to Kenzi.
“The love of dat sweet booty.”
She adjusts her glasses as the crowd chuckles. Someone in the back yells out “HOLLA!” but Sarah’s raised eyebrow shows her ignorance of the cry. After a moment, she lowers that expertly-plucked eyebrow and clears her throat.
“The thing which greets me in the morning with a shine brighter than the sun-
Dat sweet booty
The soft smoothness which allows my head to rest better than a pillow of goose down-
Dat sweet booty
The thing which shakes and jiggles on the dance floor with a legendary hypnotic allure-
Dat sweet booty
That which fills out a pair of blue jeans with such volume as to make them burst at the seams-
Dat sweet booty
The thing which I will be tapping in-”
Sarah reaches into her purse and pulls out a small round watch on a chain...because of course Sarah would have a pocket watch...and looks back up to the crowd after checking the time.
“-about seven minutes-”
Sarah looks back at Kenzi with a hunger in her red eyes as members of the audience howl.
“Dat sweet booty.”
She turns back to the crowd, smiles widely, and gives them one of her well-practiced curtsies.
“Thank you!”
Kenzi stood up as Sarah returned to the table and the pair embraced and share a few tender kisses, to the delight of the crowd. Sarah checked her watch, then the two started to beat a hasty retreat to the door, but cries from the crowd stopped them in their tracks, delaying the seven minutes that Sarah had given herself.
“SPEECH!!”
“COME ON KENZI!”
“GIVE US A POEM KENZ!”
Kenzi shrugged as Sarah gave an annoyed sigh but waved for her to go up on stage as well. Kenzi gave her another peck on the cheek and Sarah reciprocated with a smack to her ass as she hobbled up to the front of the room and stood in front of the podium. She shielded her eyes as she looked out over the room full of expectant faces.
“WOW! I wasn’t expecting this…I didn’t even have anything prepared. So, I guess I can just wing something for you guys. Is that okay for everyone?”
The crowd responded with a collective roar of anticipation. Kenzi took in a deep breath as she peered to the back of the room and saw Sarah pointing to her watch to remind her of the time. Kenzi shook her head and laughed.
“Wow…I don’t know how much poetry this is really going to be, but…”
Kenzi was really quiet for a moment before she finally gathered her thoughts.
“Sarah Selena Lacklan is the best thing to ever come into my life –
She took a stupid bratty little idiot and turned her into a wife.
My Baby…
I never believed in a thousand years that I could ever deserve to be this happy –
She takes good care of me in every way, even braids my hair so it doesn’t get nappy.
My Baby…
She brought me to The Coalition and she taught me how to carry myself with pride –
I learned a lot from my everything, even when she wasn’t there for the ride.
My Baby…
But good things come to those who wait and come Monday the wait is done –
The 5’2” Mafia will be back on the scene and it will be time to have some fun.
My Baby…
She risked her career just to save mines and now that’s a debit I’ll repay –
We are going to Synergy to beat up two fools, it’s a favorite game that we play!
My Baby…
Travis Roberts has come back home to the company he claims to have led –
Well, he might have ran shit back in the 1880’s, but now this is the Cool Kids Fed!
My Baby…
I have tons of respect for my elders, so I hope Travis won’t take this too hard –
My Baby is back and I have shit to prove, so I’m gonna have to pull his punk card!
My Baby
Travis has a part to play in this match, but I’ll leave most of him for my Baby –
I’ll have my eyes on Phrixus Deimos, and he’ll be dealing with one pissed off lady!
My Baby…
Deimos has become my number one suspect, I got him really good before WrestleStock –
But I better hurry up and finish, my wife has got me on the clock!
My Baby…
Phrixus, I KNOW you’re the one that shot me, try to hide it from me all that you like –
The Grey-Lacklans are coming and it will really be funny when Fear finally gets a fright!
My Baby…
Do yourself a favor and admit that you did it, maybe Sarah and I will have pity –
But if you don’t confess then there’s going to be a mess, I promise we can be quite shitty!
My Baby…
Well, my time is up and my poem is done, its about time I go and rest this knee –
Thank each and everyone of you for spending this 22nd birthday with ME!
and MY BABY!!”
The crowd cheered as Kenzi limped off the stage and Sarah was there in a flash to help her. Her red eyes blazed as she hefted Kenzi up over her shoulder and carried her out to the cheers of the fans as she whispered under her breath.
“…goddamn you Raab, that record is mines tonight…”
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