Post by cooltubesource on Sept 14, 2019 15:40:24 GMT -5
“...and if Gabby takes Raab...yes, I know that Raab is a captain but shit up and go with me, here...then Angie can go for two unnamed future draft picks, and then..."
The soft and high Londoner accent of Sarah Grey-Lacklan echoes in the confines of a small room. Dressed in a gown of black and red that shines with diamond dust, featuring a skirt lined with spider webs, the Firestarter stands before a large chalkboard, a piece of white chalk in one gloved hand, the other tapping thoughtfully on her pointed chin. With her hair pulled into an up-do and supported by numerous braids, a translucent veil pinned to the top of her head and currently pulled up and away from her face, she looks the vision of a ghostly professor studying a math problem. On the board before her is a list of names broken into six columns:
“...T-Robb can switched out for the Cutie, and then Gabster sends Raab over to the Scoundrel, and then HE trades Lucy for Deimos, I bet that T-Pie will want to unload the Captain for Jet…”
She places the end of the chalk on the board and writes lines and arcs along its surface, connecting names as she works through the names.
“...now, that leaves T-Rob untaken, because no one axly wants him, but it would suck if Gabby had to take him back, so maybe she takes him but also gets to make to more trades that SHE wants, so she takes T-Rob and then trades Dave for Zane, but you’re too smart to give him up, so she instead goes to me and asks for Donovan. I’m cool with that, because I haz plan, and so I get Dave for a little bit. Gabby then goes to trade Sloane to you, and you’re ALL about that because you’re super creepy and think about her too much, and you give up Step-Mumsie, but at the last second Gabby swerves you and switches T-Robb for the cutie and then BLAM! You just traded Step-Mumsie for T-Robb and you’re all mad and stuff…”
Behind her, sitting in the room’s loan chair, is the #1 Hitmaker himself, Johnny Bonecrusher. Wearing a black suit with a bright orange tie and his ever-present sunglasses, Johnny looks angry and annoyed with his arms folded.
“Now, see here, you-”
“...and that’s when I make my magic, right? I take Lisa...you know Lisa, and I trade her for Sloane. Gabby starts to argue but then I coyly point out Lisa’s tits and she’s okay with the trade. But KENZI is ALL ‘I HATE DAT BITCH’ over in your corner, right? And she DEMANDS to be traded. DEMANDS RIGHT THIS MOMENT. But all I have are Lucky and Dave, right? And you’re all ‘I ALREADY SAID NO TO LUCKY’ and, again, not even you’re dumb enough to take Dave, so I trade for Sloane and everyone’s happy…”
“I said-”
“...but I’m not totes happy, right? Because my team still isn’t complete. Yeah, getting Kenzi puts me where I want to be, which is including by not limited to being under, over, in front of, behind, being help upside down…”
“I-”
“...by and with her, but the team isn’t complete. So, I trade Dave, right? He’s basically been a complete joke since I first came around in 2017, but Angie is a sucker for him right? And since Ang is now a team captain due to me being amazeballs, my (non-spouse) BFF will gladly take the goat dude for the Captain. Obvs not Kate, of course, because fuck that bitch...but more on that later...and I’m not even sure that NBK is going to be there...or at least visible, anyway...so the Captain works. ‘Cause then I’ll just have him take off his shirt, right? And Roxy will suddenly show up and flood the place...though without the graphic detail that got her jobbed out that one time...and in the ensuing chaos, I’ll sneak up behind Gabby, yell ‘On snap! BBCs are everywhere over there!’ and when she turns around towards where I’m pointing, I’ll steal Lisa back and leave her the Captain, right?”
“wut”
“But that steal leaves me Lucky. AGAIN. And fuck ME if I’m going to have him on my team again, right? And so I convince everyone to play a boggle tournament, right? Now, don’t ask how I got everyone to play or why boggle, because that will turn this thing into a 6 or 7k monster and NO ONE wants that this week-”
“...amen…”
“-and at the end of it, its all down to Kenzi and Seb, right? Because wordy bitches, obvs. And its all ‘BOGGLE TO THE DEATH’ and then everyone backs up and gives them those club/sword things from that really weird ‘Spock needs to get laid’ episode of Star Trek, ya know when he had to kill Kirk? And everyone surrounds them like the Vulcans watching the battle to the death to the right to fuck the hot Vulcaness, yeah? And everyone’s singing the ‘DUN-DUN-DUN DUN DUN’ music like Jim Carey does at Medieval Times during the Cable Guy, right?”
“Seriously underrated movie.”
“And my Beloved is all ‘THIS IS FOR MY KNEE, ASSHOLE’ because she shouts a lot for some reason I have never been able to figure out. Sers legit, I hate when people shout for no reason-”
Johnny’s flat and disbelieving stare is obvious, even behind his sunglasses.
“-but hey, sometimes she just needs to get in touch with Angry Black Woman, ya know? Gets my motor purring, let me tell you.”
Johnny successfully is able to hold in his poutine and not puke it all over the floor.
“N-E-Ways, she’s all ‘AHHHHH!’ and Sebby’s all ‘AHHHHHH!’ but with my accent, right? And they clash in the middle and she cuts him and he nicks her shoulder and everyone is all ‘OMG FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT’ and in the middle of the chaos I flick on my Ninja Mode and stealth my way over to Gabby’s section, right? And I obvs roll a twenty on my Stealth Check-”
“Move Silently”
“-literally no one plays 3rd Edition any more, Old Man. N-E-Ways, and while I’m basically invisible I sneak my hand into Gabby’s back pocket...which I’ll need to sanitize afterward because that’s a whole lot of ew, and I take out her team list. And as my wife and that scoundrel keep ripping into each other, no doubt when Kenzi ‘accidentally’ taking some shots at Sloane, who literally has done NOTHING wrong-”
“Hurrumph!”
“-I scratch out Donovan’s name and write Lucky’s, slip the paper BACK into Gabby’s pocket, dip my hand into a vat of sanitizer mixed with acid, and then BLAMO! I have MY team, the team that I wanted in the FIRST place, the team of myself, the sexier Mrs. G-L, Lisa freakin’ Seldon, and ‘totes owes me’ Donovan Hastings. See? It’s perfect!”
Sarah places the chalk down on the board, posits her hands on her hips as she juts them out to the side, and flashes her Billion $$$ Smile at Johnny.
“So?! What do you think?”
Johnny stands up from his seat and walks forward until his nose is inches from the board. He looks it up and down with slow movements, absorbing every bit of information, and then turns to Sarah. He strokes his chin and gives a small nod. Sarah’s eyes open wide behind her glasses and she takes in a deep breath, likely to squeal.
“No!”
The squeal turns to rage.
“Oh, come on!”
“I said ‘no!’ Just like the LAST five times you’ve tried this!”
Johnny angrily waves to his side and we see that there are another four chalkboards, all full with similarly complicated multi-team trades. Sarah throws up her hands and stalks towards the door.
“Damnit, old man! I’ll come up with a new version. But right now I need to get back to our ga(y)la.”
Just as she gets to the door, Johnny opens his mouth.
“Well…”
Sarah freezes and turns to him.
“...maybe…”
Hope lights in Sarah’s eyes.
“..........NOPE!”
Anger takes over.
“hatechusomuch!”
Johnny holds a finger up suddenly, which is as much “Let me make one thing PERFECTLY CLEAR” as it is “AXLY!”
“Answer me THIS, you sawed off toenail of a sea hag:”
He gestures towards all of the boards.
“That is SIX trades you have come up with...and NONE of them...EVER...have had Kate Steel on your team. Why?”
The anger in Sarah’s eyes turns even brighter.
“Oh, don’t you EVEN bet me started on THAT bitch!”
The twinkle in Johnny’s eye is so bright that it pierces through his dark shades.
“I sense an overly detailed explanation coming.”
Sarah’s entire body shakes and she storms out of the door and back into the ga(y)la. Johnny quivers with joy as he follows, pleased as Koolaid Man’s sweetest punch that he has Sarah on the verge of a spectacular explosion.
“Listen, if you are going to listen to me explain why I hate this dumb bitch, then you’re going to walk behind me while I supervise. AND have to say hello to my Fang Gang.”
“No! I-”
Sarah pulls out her iPhone and fires it up, but not before we notice one of the many contests being held at the charity function to help their neighbors rebuild their home:
This event featured WAY too much Journey, as everyone expected. A whole lot of “DOOOOOON’T STOP! BELIEEEEEVIN’!” going on, let me tell you. And while World Champion Roxy Cotton surprised everyone with a pretty thrashin’ version of Savatage’s “Strange Wings” the winning prize went to Angie Vaughn for her rendition of “I Was a Fool,” to which Sarah paused long enough to play accompaniment piano.
After the karaoke, Sarah pulled poor Johnny over to a fenced-in area where a number of her purebred albino carrier pigeons were resting. All along the fence were teeny, tiny little lassos. Johnny couldn’t believe it when it finally happened, but Sarah demonstrated how to hook a pigeon with a lasso. Gently, of course. The line of people dropping donations for the chance was NUTS! Wrapping three times around the corner, people of all shapes and sizes tried their hand at catching one of the elusive pigeons, but the First Place ribbon was awarded to a vision as odd as the pigeons themselves: A very personable chinchilla named Chewie!
-was canceled due to the Grey-Lacklan cats, mostly feral, still unnamed because they refused to accept any kind of ownership, and kicked out of Angie’s Portland Kitty Cafe for being bullies, we NOT about to let ANYONE get anywhere NEAR their hind quarters!
Thankfully, Angie WAS able to come to the rescue for feline enthusiasts by bringing in some of those Kitty Cafe employees that are far more cuddly! With “cuddle cafes” growing throughout the world, it was a simple arithmetical process for Angie to discover that Kitties + Cuddling = $$$ and BLAM! The line for diving into a pool of kitties like Sar into her shoe vault was as long as those looking to lasso up themselves a formerly extinct mail service delivery bird! But despite the large demand, much of the time was purchased by a single person. Wearing sunglasses and a high collar to hide her identity, both from the Grey half of the Grey-Lacklan coupling and what would no doubt be a disapproving British born business partner, the curvy form with pink hair parkouring her way off the walls and into a dive into the pool of kitties, all the while screaming “THIS IS MY BEST LIFE” left little question to who the customer was.
Amira Kassouri, multi-champion within a variety of wrestling companies throughout the world, and shockingly talented star rookie running back for our protagonists’ women’s underwear arena football team, is the familiar face on the front of Amoora Protein Shakes. When it was announced that a “chug” contest would be held...and when the carrot of a CERTAIN busty personal assistant to said protagonist was the project manager for the ga(y)la, the drink’s namesake promised to be there in person. Dressed in the cowgirl outfit used for the promotional campaign for the shakes, Amira judged the contest personally, and while there were many strong contenders, it was of little doubt who Amira would select as the winner. Ashley Allen! Just as Sarah wore a knowing smirk as to who bought the majority of the time for kitty swimming, her smug smile as she saw the look on Ax’s face when she got her “Winner’s Hug” for Amira turned the personal assistant’s face scarlet.
When the call went out for “battle rapping,” Bobbi London answered before the first ring was though. While the Aussie found herself in the world of professional wrestling due to being employed as a bodyguard for a teenage Kenzi Grey, Bobbi being the anchor of the “Kentourage,” she had found surprising success in the last year of her own accord. But that success, along with opening a protection agency alongside “Mad” Maxine, had done little to take away her desire to be the best rapper in the world. She had taken her more recent exposure as an opportunity to display her rapping skills, including making a rap about her opponent a main component of her entrance, and was garnering praise for her skills. Thus, it was no surprise that she answered destiny’s call of the contest with much aplomb. Unfortunately for her, one of the staff members at CTN, who was hired due to a resume which featured being an unpaid/unloved/unwanted/unwashed intern for Sarah at some point, included a typo in the original press release of the event. This was Battle “Gift” Wrapping! Oh noes! Could Bobbi translate her skills of dropping bombs before mics to fine folds and precise taping?
No.
She was slaughtered by Angie. Because it’s ALWAYS about Angie.
There is little more “old school” in wrestling lore than a bodyslam challenge. When territories were smaller and wrestling was more akin to the carnival, local athletes would attempt to slam the giant monster of the day, all for naught, until a hero of great strength would arrive from the back and finally take down the monster. But what if the monster WAS the hero?! Known to perceptive UGWC fans as the masked monster who prevented a very evil thing happening to a very drunk Sarah back in October of 2017, Redd Thunder gladly offered his assistance when Sarah came up with this idea. Tons of people would pay money to try to slam the lovable oaf! Unfortunately for them, they didn’t know that Redd decided that, should they fail to slam HIM, he got to slam THEM.
This didn’t end well.
The cry of “NOW THUNDER’S TURN” was always met with a scream and a thump.
Several people were brave enough to walk up to the open microphone set in a small auditorium throughout the night, and thankfully the robust comedy scene in New York also led a few low tier acts to make an appearance. The “star” of it all was Kenzi...though not for the reason Sarah would have believed. Whenever in her presence, Kenzi kept it clean with a series of fish jokes...to which Sarah did her best to support but was secretly embarrassed over...they were NOT funny...but the ultimate joke was on Sarah. Because as soon as she was no longer in earshot…
Heckler: “SHOW US YOUR TITS OR SIT DOWN!”
Kenzi: “I bet the last time you saw breasts that weren’t in the mirror was at KFC! Sit your big fat ass down!”
Crowd: “OHHHHHHHHH!”
Ya know what sucks? A lot of people want what I have. A LOT. Now, the majority of what I have are things that people can’t have, of course. My beauty. My intelligence. My breeding and background. My skills both in sports and in Art. My legions of fans. But people try! OH, how they try! Like, just the other day, I was thinking about that time that Lucy Wylde tried to steal my aesthetic so blatantly that people started confusing us for a daughter and her MUCH MUCH MUCH older mom, right? And THAT got me to thinking about that time Kem suddenly started using words like “totes.” And then THAT reminded me of how this chick we know finally figured out that, no, I wasn’t an option, and so got herself a dime-store ripoff and joined a Kingdom. But THEEEEEEN THAAAAAAAAAT reminded me of the time Kate Steele tried to steal my wife.
Wait, wut?
Oh!
Oh!
Bet you thought I forgot all about that, didn’t you Kate? Hell, YOU probs did! After all, in the time when you forced a kiss on Kenzi in May of 2017 to now in September of our Lord’s 2019, you have...by my count...gone through four different relationships, including marriages, engagements after two weeks of dating, and now back to a “happy” marriage with a man who is VERY blatant about how much he’s stepping out on you. So! I would NOT be shocked if YOU forgot the MASSIVE receipt I owe you...even IF it was a setup the entire time. But since you’re cahRAAAAAAaaaaZZZZyyyyyyy now, or something, that’s as good excuse as anyway.
I’m not going to bore the UGWC Fang Gangers watching this with a history lesson on how Kenzi and I put together a plan to use your famous instability in our favor for the two of you to win the Ladies All-Star Tag Championships...which failed because you suck, obvs...but I WILL say this: Even when set up for success, all you do is find failure.
“BUT SARAH I HAVE WON 389479349879087877974 CHAMPIONSHIPS”
Yeah, you have. And all that does is remind me of how absolutely shitty some of these wrestling companies are.
“BUT IN LAW-”
Yeah yeah, first champ. Hall of Fame. In a company that didn’t even make it four goddamn years and was limping along so bad its entire last year that they would take rookies so green that they attend the Jolly Green Giant Family Picnic every year. And as I detailed...at length...when I was there, that shit sucked when it first started, too. So perhaps I can say...great job at being somewhat less shitty than the other crap that was there in the beginning?
The POINT of this is that not only do I not care about what you have done in 57 other companies years ago, literally no one else does, either. Listen, I’m ALL for wrestling around the world. I’m ALL for spreading my wings to learn new styles and incorporate different techniques into my arsenal. I’m ALL for learning and progressing. But I understand that all of that means absolutely nothing if I enter a UGWC ring and stink up the place. And that is ALL you have done since you got here and FUCK that pisses me off.
MY name is attached to excellence! MY name is attached to success! MY name is attached to championships, ratings, and influence. I am the reason why the #CoolKids are here and why the entire company has basically been under that #Cool thumb for well over a year. And then there is YOU, who walk in here with MY name in your mouth, with Kenzi’s name in your mouth, with Roxy’s name in your mouth, and all you have done is make Ichabod look at me with that “Really?” look in his eyes. Because holy FUCK does my name look bad by association as you rut your way through the mud.
Ever since you came here, all you have done is show how BAD wrestling can be. No, I’m not going to make fun of your lame-as-flame “shipwrecked/siren” nonsense...I have a dumb line for that later...but I AM going to hold you accountable for what you axly DO. And what has THAT been? Lose. And not JUST losing. Getting your ass kicked! Your booty wiping the mat! Over and again!
“NUH UH I BEAT HOLDEN”
Literally everyone does that
“AND PIERCE”
He literally has never had a winning record in UGWC history.
“AND RYDELL”
Holy FUCK you aren’t making your case any better. You came here all but demanding a shot at then Cross-Hemisphere Champ Roxy with the hope of washing that taste of failure out of your mouth and after four months all you have done is show ever person around here that you not only are unworthy of a match with her in ANY capacity, you have shown that you might as well not even be on the televised broadcast. Sers legit, Kate, when you HAVE won these matches? They were by the skin of your teeth against some of the perennial losers of the company. Trust me, beating Raab isn’t something that anyone should find any value or worth in. And when you lose? When you took each and every one of those seven Ls? They were BAD. SO BAD. You got your ass smashed around so bad that even Gabby walking out of “Blacked 87” looked at your plywood bottom with sympathy in her eyes.
But that’s okay, right?
Because you’re cahRAAAAaaaAAAAzzZZZyy now, right? Its totes different now! Everyone’s afraid of you! Everyone’s worried about the tubby chick thinking she’s sexy with the pigtails and shitty Harley Quinn cosplay and your fellow jobbers running for the hills in worry. THIS is the Kate Steele who is going to beat everyone! THIS is the Kate Steele who
well
Probably won’t do much this week, either.
“DID YOU FORGET THE TIME I BEAT YOU”
No. Oh, no. I am WELL aware that God has a funny sense of humor. And that day long ago, you were able to roll me up, and all that extra weight you had gained was too much for me. Then again, I also haven’t forgotten about me beating you in the Queen of the Ring, or when Kenzi and I wiped the floor with you and Fox. So, if you wish to remind the world about the one time you rose above your station and handed me that L, I hope you also remind the world of the two you have received before I make it a triad.
“BUT I’M GREAT IN SIN CITY WRESTLING”
Doesn’t matter. Just like my success in other places doesn’t matter. Not this week. Not here. What matters is how we are HERE, Kate. How we are in UGWC. So while you sit on the beach and promise death and destruction to your opponents over in SCW this weekend with you’re Wreck It Ralph impression-
“I’M GONNA SHIPWRECK IT!!”
-I’m going to be doing what I ALWAYS do, and that is provide excellence in UGWC.
HERE...I am a former Cross-Hemisphere Champion, the title you (allegedly!) are focused on, and I beat the arguable BEST champ to do it.
HERE...I have won the WrestleStock Cup and Cooperative Championships, wherein I defeated people FAR above your station to do so.
HERE...I am THE most loved, popular, and wanted Outlast Captain how is making one final pitstop before becoming the World Champion.
But you?
HERE...you have won nothing but the disgusted eyerolls of even the ring crew.
HERE...you have failed at every stated matter of attention you have professed, from reconnecting with Kenzi after she swallowed her self-worth and put you over when you first came around (“OMG Kate, even after everything I have ever done in my life I still wish it was even a third of what you have accomplished!” Sweet Jesus’ pinchable baby booty, that was pathetic) to getting anywhere even NEAR a match with Roxy in ANY capacity.
HERE...you are just one of the people at the bottom of the card who specifically get booked to provide momentum for your betters. Five Ls in a row in the last two months in Chicago? Jesus Christ, Kate, that’s almost DOUBLE the amount of Ls I have taken all YEAR.
And that is the stark difference between you and I that is brought to such clarity within the confines of this company: I demand consistent excellence, something which draws the ire of those who wish to be allowed to skate in the middle unnoticed, and you demand that inconstant quality, pure trash one week and somewhat decent the next, be met with the acceptance. And I REFUSE to do that, Kate. I REFUSE to allow a world where YOU are an acceptable member of our business, stay in existence.
At the end of all this, I truly do hope that you give it your all. I quipped recently that I don’t need anyone padding my record. I don’t need anyone handing me Ws as I continue my trek, my search, my sojourn towards victory #100. I prefer to TAKE those Ws and FORCE the Ls into the lives of my opponents. And it makes me mad when someone who SHOULD be a tough fight and a worthy opponent turns into one of those distracted disgraces who are too busy focusing on a failing music career with other industry laughingstocks. I get mad when they turn into YOU.
This is your chance, Kate. This is your chance to show the entire UGWC that you ARE worthy of their time, you ARE worthy of being booked, you ARE worthy of a shot at Roxy or any of our other champions. This is your chance to do something...anything...better than “Meh” and give everyone a reason to do something else than blow off a match with you and already count those two cool points. This is your chance to focus on ME, to fight ME, to put everything into fighting Sarah goddamn Grey-Lacklan in the United Global Wrestling Coalition in the Synergy Arena in Chicago.
But you probs won’t. You’ll walk around the halls of CTN, licking your lips at a man with a baby on the way while complaining about how Teddy is stepping out on you because you’re cahRaaaAAAaaAAAAAAAaaaazzy now, probs while slapping a baseball bat against your hand and trying to turn the British accent you occasionally remember you have into something from the Bronx, and working really REALLY hard to show people that you really ARE great at wrestling, just not HERE, but PLEASE still respect me even though I suck here.
And then lose clean to me in the middle of that ring and add a third W to my quest for 100.
And hopefully
HOPEFULLY
You’ll finally get my name out of your mouth.
The soft and high Londoner accent of Sarah Grey-Lacklan echoes in the confines of a small room. Dressed in a gown of black and red that shines with diamond dust, featuring a skirt lined with spider webs, the Firestarter stands before a large chalkboard, a piece of white chalk in one gloved hand, the other tapping thoughtfully on her pointed chin. With her hair pulled into an up-do and supported by numerous braids, a translucent veil pinned to the top of her head and currently pulled up and away from her face, she looks the vision of a ghostly professor studying a math problem. On the board before her is a list of names broken into six columns:
“...T-Robb can switched out for the Cutie, and then Gabster sends Raab over to the Scoundrel, and then HE trades Lucy for Deimos, I bet that T-Pie will want to unload the Captain for Jet…”
She places the end of the chalk on the board and writes lines and arcs along its surface, connecting names as she works through the names.
“...now, that leaves T-Rob untaken, because no one axly wants him, but it would suck if Gabby had to take him back, so maybe she takes him but also gets to make to more trades that SHE wants, so she takes T-Rob and then trades Dave for Zane, but you’re too smart to give him up, so she instead goes to me and asks for Donovan. I’m cool with that, because I haz plan, and so I get Dave for a little bit. Gabby then goes to trade Sloane to you, and you’re ALL about that because you’re super creepy and think about her too much, and you give up Step-Mumsie, but at the last second Gabby swerves you and switches T-Robb for the cutie and then BLAM! You just traded Step-Mumsie for T-Robb and you’re all mad and stuff…”
Behind her, sitting in the room’s loan chair, is the #1 Hitmaker himself, Johnny Bonecrusher. Wearing a black suit with a bright orange tie and his ever-present sunglasses, Johnny looks angry and annoyed with his arms folded.
“Now, see here, you-”
“...and that’s when I make my magic, right? I take Lisa...you know Lisa, and I trade her for Sloane. Gabby starts to argue but then I coyly point out Lisa’s tits and she’s okay with the trade. But KENZI is ALL ‘I HATE DAT BITCH’ over in your corner, right? And she DEMANDS to be traded. DEMANDS RIGHT THIS MOMENT. But all I have are Lucky and Dave, right? And you’re all ‘I ALREADY SAID NO TO LUCKY’ and, again, not even you’re dumb enough to take Dave, so I trade for Sloane and everyone’s happy…”
“I said-”
“...but I’m not totes happy, right? Because my team still isn’t complete. Yeah, getting Kenzi puts me where I want to be, which is including by not limited to being under, over, in front of, behind, being help upside down…”
“I-”
“...by and with her, but the team isn’t complete. So, I trade Dave, right? He’s basically been a complete joke since I first came around in 2017, but Angie is a sucker for him right? And since Ang is now a team captain due to me being amazeballs, my (non-spouse) BFF will gladly take the goat dude for the Captain. Obvs not Kate, of course, because fuck that bitch...but more on that later...and I’m not even sure that NBK is going to be there...or at least visible, anyway...so the Captain works. ‘Cause then I’ll just have him take off his shirt, right? And Roxy will suddenly show up and flood the place...though without the graphic detail that got her jobbed out that one time...and in the ensuing chaos, I’ll sneak up behind Gabby, yell ‘On snap! BBCs are everywhere over there!’ and when she turns around towards where I’m pointing, I’ll steal Lisa back and leave her the Captain, right?”
“wut”
“But that steal leaves me Lucky. AGAIN. And fuck ME if I’m going to have him on my team again, right? And so I convince everyone to play a boggle tournament, right? Now, don’t ask how I got everyone to play or why boggle, because that will turn this thing into a 6 or 7k monster and NO ONE wants that this week-”
“...amen…”
“-and at the end of it, its all down to Kenzi and Seb, right? Because wordy bitches, obvs. And its all ‘BOGGLE TO THE DEATH’ and then everyone backs up and gives them those club/sword things from that really weird ‘Spock needs to get laid’ episode of Star Trek, ya know when he had to kill Kirk? And everyone surrounds them like the Vulcans watching the battle to the death to the right to fuck the hot Vulcaness, yeah? And everyone’s singing the ‘DUN-DUN-DUN DUN DUN’ music like Jim Carey does at Medieval Times during the Cable Guy, right?”
“Seriously underrated movie.”
“And my Beloved is all ‘THIS IS FOR MY KNEE, ASSHOLE’ because she shouts a lot for some reason I have never been able to figure out. Sers legit, I hate when people shout for no reason-”
Johnny’s flat and disbelieving stare is obvious, even behind his sunglasses.
“-but hey, sometimes she just needs to get in touch with Angry Black Woman, ya know? Gets my motor purring, let me tell you.”
Johnny successfully is able to hold in his poutine and not puke it all over the floor.
“N-E-Ways, she’s all ‘AHHHHH!’ and Sebby’s all ‘AHHHHHH!’ but with my accent, right? And they clash in the middle and she cuts him and he nicks her shoulder and everyone is all ‘OMG FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT’ and in the middle of the chaos I flick on my Ninja Mode and stealth my way over to Gabby’s section, right? And I obvs roll a twenty on my Stealth Check-”
“Move Silently”
“-literally no one plays 3rd Edition any more, Old Man. N-E-Ways, and while I’m basically invisible I sneak my hand into Gabby’s back pocket...which I’ll need to sanitize afterward because that’s a whole lot of ew, and I take out her team list. And as my wife and that scoundrel keep ripping into each other, no doubt when Kenzi ‘accidentally’ taking some shots at Sloane, who literally has done NOTHING wrong-”
“Hurrumph!”
“-I scratch out Donovan’s name and write Lucky’s, slip the paper BACK into Gabby’s pocket, dip my hand into a vat of sanitizer mixed with acid, and then BLAMO! I have MY team, the team that I wanted in the FIRST place, the team of myself, the sexier Mrs. G-L, Lisa freakin’ Seldon, and ‘totes owes me’ Donovan Hastings. See? It’s perfect!”
Sarah places the chalk down on the board, posits her hands on her hips as she juts them out to the side, and flashes her Billion $$$ Smile at Johnny.
“So?! What do you think?”
Johnny stands up from his seat and walks forward until his nose is inches from the board. He looks it up and down with slow movements, absorbing every bit of information, and then turns to Sarah. He strokes his chin and gives a small nod. Sarah’s eyes open wide behind her glasses and she takes in a deep breath, likely to squeal.
“No!”
The squeal turns to rage.
“Oh, come on!”
“I said ‘no!’ Just like the LAST five times you’ve tried this!”
Johnny angrily waves to his side and we see that there are another four chalkboards, all full with similarly complicated multi-team trades. Sarah throws up her hands and stalks towards the door.
“Damnit, old man! I’ll come up with a new version. But right now I need to get back to our ga(y)la.”
Just as she gets to the door, Johnny opens his mouth.
“Well…”
Sarah freezes and turns to him.
“...maybe…”
Hope lights in Sarah’s eyes.
“..........NOPE!”
Anger takes over.
“hatechusomuch!”
Johnny holds a finger up suddenly, which is as much “Let me make one thing PERFECTLY CLEAR” as it is “AXLY!”
“Answer me THIS, you sawed off toenail of a sea hag:”
He gestures towards all of the boards.
“That is SIX trades you have come up with...and NONE of them...EVER...have had Kate Steel on your team. Why?”
The anger in Sarah’s eyes turns even brighter.
“Oh, don’t you EVEN bet me started on THAT bitch!”
The twinkle in Johnny’s eye is so bright that it pierces through his dark shades.
“I sense an overly detailed explanation coming.”
Sarah’s entire body shakes and she storms out of the door and back into the ga(y)la. Johnny quivers with joy as he follows, pleased as Koolaid Man’s sweetest punch that he has Sarah on the verge of a spectacular explosion.
“Listen, if you are going to listen to me explain why I hate this dumb bitch, then you’re going to walk behind me while I supervise. AND have to say hello to my Fang Gang.”
“No! I-”
Sarah pulls out her iPhone and fires it up, but not before we notice one of the many contests being held at the charity function to help their neighbors rebuild their home:
COMPETITIVE KARAOKE
PIGEON WRANGLING
PIN THE TAIL ON THE CAT
KITTY SWIMMING WITH ANGIE
AMOORA SHAKE CHUG
BATTLE GIFT WRAPPING
No.
She was slaughtered by Angie. Because it’s ALWAYS about Angie.
BODY SLAMMIN’ THUNDAH
This didn’t end well.
The cry of “NOW THUNDER’S TURN” was always met with a scream and a thump.
STAND UP COMEDY
Heckler: “SHOW US YOUR TITS OR SIT DOWN!”
Kenzi: “I bet the last time you saw breasts that weren’t in the mirror was at KFC! Sit your big fat ass down!”
Crowd: “OHHHHHHHHH!”
Ya know what sucks? A lot of people want what I have. A LOT. Now, the majority of what I have are things that people can’t have, of course. My beauty. My intelligence. My breeding and background. My skills both in sports and in Art. My legions of fans. But people try! OH, how they try! Like, just the other day, I was thinking about that time that Lucy Wylde tried to steal my aesthetic so blatantly that people started confusing us for a daughter and her MUCH MUCH MUCH older mom, right? And THAT got me to thinking about that time Kem suddenly started using words like “totes.” And then THAT reminded me of how this chick we know finally figured out that, no, I wasn’t an option, and so got herself a dime-store ripoff and joined a Kingdom. But THEEEEEEN THAAAAAAAAAT reminded me of the time Kate Steele tried to steal my wife.
Wait, wut?
Oh!
Oh!
Bet you thought I forgot all about that, didn’t you Kate? Hell, YOU probs did! After all, in the time when you forced a kiss on Kenzi in May of 2017 to now in September of our Lord’s 2019, you have...by my count...gone through four different relationships, including marriages, engagements after two weeks of dating, and now back to a “happy” marriage with a man who is VERY blatant about how much he’s stepping out on you. So! I would NOT be shocked if YOU forgot the MASSIVE receipt I owe you...even IF it was a setup the entire time. But since you’re cahRAAAAAAaaaaZZZZyyyyyyy now, or something, that’s as good excuse as anyway.
I’m not going to bore the UGWC Fang Gangers watching this with a history lesson on how Kenzi and I put together a plan to use your famous instability in our favor for the two of you to win the Ladies All-Star Tag Championships...which failed because you suck, obvs...but I WILL say this: Even when set up for success, all you do is find failure.
“BUT SARAH I HAVE WON 389479349879087877974 CHAMPIONSHIPS”
Yeah, you have. And all that does is remind me of how absolutely shitty some of these wrestling companies are.
“BUT IN LAW-”
Yeah yeah, first champ. Hall of Fame. In a company that didn’t even make it four goddamn years and was limping along so bad its entire last year that they would take rookies so green that they attend the Jolly Green Giant Family Picnic every year. And as I detailed...at length...when I was there, that shit sucked when it first started, too. So perhaps I can say...great job at being somewhat less shitty than the other crap that was there in the beginning?
The POINT of this is that not only do I not care about what you have done in 57 other companies years ago, literally no one else does, either. Listen, I’m ALL for wrestling around the world. I’m ALL for spreading my wings to learn new styles and incorporate different techniques into my arsenal. I’m ALL for learning and progressing. But I understand that all of that means absolutely nothing if I enter a UGWC ring and stink up the place. And that is ALL you have done since you got here and FUCK that pisses me off.
MY name is attached to excellence! MY name is attached to success! MY name is attached to championships, ratings, and influence. I am the reason why the #CoolKids are here and why the entire company has basically been under that #Cool thumb for well over a year. And then there is YOU, who walk in here with MY name in your mouth, with Kenzi’s name in your mouth, with Roxy’s name in your mouth, and all you have done is make Ichabod look at me with that “Really?” look in his eyes. Because holy FUCK does my name look bad by association as you rut your way through the mud.
Ever since you came here, all you have done is show how BAD wrestling can be. No, I’m not going to make fun of your lame-as-flame “shipwrecked/siren” nonsense...I have a dumb line for that later...but I AM going to hold you accountable for what you axly DO. And what has THAT been? Lose. And not JUST losing. Getting your ass kicked! Your booty wiping the mat! Over and again!
“NUH UH I BEAT HOLDEN”
Literally everyone does that
“AND PIERCE”
He literally has never had a winning record in UGWC history.
“AND RYDELL”
Holy FUCK you aren’t making your case any better. You came here all but demanding a shot at then Cross-Hemisphere Champ Roxy with the hope of washing that taste of failure out of your mouth and after four months all you have done is show ever person around here that you not only are unworthy of a match with her in ANY capacity, you have shown that you might as well not even be on the televised broadcast. Sers legit, Kate, when you HAVE won these matches? They were by the skin of your teeth against some of the perennial losers of the company. Trust me, beating Raab isn’t something that anyone should find any value or worth in. And when you lose? When you took each and every one of those seven Ls? They were BAD. SO BAD. You got your ass smashed around so bad that even Gabby walking out of “Blacked 87” looked at your plywood bottom with sympathy in her eyes.
But that’s okay, right?
Because you’re cahRAAAAaaaAAAAzzZZZyy now, right? Its totes different now! Everyone’s afraid of you! Everyone’s worried about the tubby chick thinking she’s sexy with the pigtails and shitty Harley Quinn cosplay and your fellow jobbers running for the hills in worry. THIS is the Kate Steele who is going to beat everyone! THIS is the Kate Steele who
well
Probably won’t do much this week, either.
“DID YOU FORGET THE TIME I BEAT YOU”
No. Oh, no. I am WELL aware that God has a funny sense of humor. And that day long ago, you were able to roll me up, and all that extra weight you had gained was too much for me. Then again, I also haven’t forgotten about me beating you in the Queen of the Ring, or when Kenzi and I wiped the floor with you and Fox. So, if you wish to remind the world about the one time you rose above your station and handed me that L, I hope you also remind the world of the two you have received before I make it a triad.
“BUT I’M GREAT IN SIN CITY WRESTLING”
Doesn’t matter. Just like my success in other places doesn’t matter. Not this week. Not here. What matters is how we are HERE, Kate. How we are in UGWC. So while you sit on the beach and promise death and destruction to your opponents over in SCW this weekend with you’re Wreck It Ralph impression-
“I’M GONNA SHIPWRECK IT!!”
-I’m going to be doing what I ALWAYS do, and that is provide excellence in UGWC.
HERE...I am a former Cross-Hemisphere Champion, the title you (allegedly!) are focused on, and I beat the arguable BEST champ to do it.
HERE...I have won the WrestleStock Cup and Cooperative Championships, wherein I defeated people FAR above your station to do so.
HERE...I am THE most loved, popular, and wanted Outlast Captain how is making one final pitstop before becoming the World Champion.
But you?
HERE...you have won nothing but the disgusted eyerolls of even the ring crew.
HERE...you have failed at every stated matter of attention you have professed, from reconnecting with Kenzi after she swallowed her self-worth and put you over when you first came around (“OMG Kate, even after everything I have ever done in my life I still wish it was even a third of what you have accomplished!” Sweet Jesus’ pinchable baby booty, that was pathetic) to getting anywhere even NEAR a match with Roxy in ANY capacity.
HERE...you are just one of the people at the bottom of the card who specifically get booked to provide momentum for your betters. Five Ls in a row in the last two months in Chicago? Jesus Christ, Kate, that’s almost DOUBLE the amount of Ls I have taken all YEAR.
And that is the stark difference between you and I that is brought to such clarity within the confines of this company: I demand consistent excellence, something which draws the ire of those who wish to be allowed to skate in the middle unnoticed, and you demand that inconstant quality, pure trash one week and somewhat decent the next, be met with the acceptance. And I REFUSE to do that, Kate. I REFUSE to allow a world where YOU are an acceptable member of our business, stay in existence.
At the end of all this, I truly do hope that you give it your all. I quipped recently that I don’t need anyone padding my record. I don’t need anyone handing me Ws as I continue my trek, my search, my sojourn towards victory #100. I prefer to TAKE those Ws and FORCE the Ls into the lives of my opponents. And it makes me mad when someone who SHOULD be a tough fight and a worthy opponent turns into one of those distracted disgraces who are too busy focusing on a failing music career with other industry laughingstocks. I get mad when they turn into YOU.
This is your chance, Kate. This is your chance to show the entire UGWC that you ARE worthy of their time, you ARE worthy of being booked, you ARE worthy of a shot at Roxy or any of our other champions. This is your chance to do something...anything...better than “Meh” and give everyone a reason to do something else than blow off a match with you and already count those two cool points. This is your chance to focus on ME, to fight ME, to put everything into fighting Sarah goddamn Grey-Lacklan in the United Global Wrestling Coalition in the Synergy Arena in Chicago.
But you probs won’t. You’ll walk around the halls of CTN, licking your lips at a man with a baby on the way while complaining about how Teddy is stepping out on you because you’re cahRaaaAAAaaAAAAAAAaaaazzy now, probs while slapping a baseball bat against your hand and trying to turn the British accent you occasionally remember you have into something from the Bronx, and working really REALLY hard to show people that you really ARE great at wrestling, just not HERE, but PLEASE still respect me even though I suck here.
And then lose clean to me in the middle of that ring and add a third W to my quest for 100.
And hopefully
HOPEFULLY
You’ll finally get my name out of your mouth.
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