Post by cooltubesource on Sept 18, 2019 8:45:28 GMT -5
“Happy Anniversary, Beloved.”
“Happy Anniversary, babe.”
The duo once known as the 5’2” Mafia lounge on a black leather couch with two children sitting in between them. Sarah’s face, rounded with time and childbirth, is split nearly in two as her odd red eyes, magnified behind thick glasses, gazes at her family. Brynlynn’s curly dark hair, currently allowed to “poof” up into the air while free of any braids or ties, makes the ten year old seem taller than her parents as they sit on the couch, and Lorelai’s blue eyes shine with delight though blonde bangs as she plays a game with her older sister. The two were a mixed skin tone, each somewhere in between their mothers, but both closer to one than the other, with Brynlynn dark, turning nearly black when in the sun, and Lorelai close to pale. On the other side of the couch, Kenzi’s own smile was warm as she looked at her partner. Sarah has difficulty keeping the jealousy at bay whenever she seems her wife smile; after all, whereas Sarah’s eyes had only grown more worn over the years, the deep worry lines created from events in her early twenties, Kenzi was proof of the silliness of “black doesn’t crack.”
“Twenty years, Kenzi. Where does it go?”
Kenzi shakes her head as she turns back down to the device in her lap and offers a small laugh.
“I don’t know Sar. Somewhere.”
Her hands move over the screen, fingers hovering over places as decisions are made.
“Ugh. This latest Hexx project is tough. Lots of moving pieces for the 25th anniversary coming up in a couple years.”
“Hmmmm," Sarah says while stroking her chin in thought. “Sounds like YOU need a VAAAAACAYYYYYY!”
The two girls in the center open their eyes up wide and smile at the thought, brown and blue eyes sparkling in wonder. Kenzi sighs and gives a small laugh as she shuts down her device before looking up to meet the familiar look of mischief in Sarah’s eyes.
“Any ideas?”
Sarah strokes her chin again.
“Hmmmm. We have been on so MANY adventures...especially around this time. Hey! What is YOUR favorite anniversary adventure we’ve had?”
“Tokyo,” responds Kenzi without any hesitation. Sarah rolls her eyes and slumps backward against her end of the couch.
“Of COURSE you would say THAT! Honeymoon doesn’t count! What is your fave ANNIVERSARY fun?”
Kenzi scrunches her face in thought for a moment but then shakes her head.
“I don’t know. What about you?”
“That time the entire UGWC joined us at Disneyland to celebrate.”
Kenzi blinks several times in rapid succession, the confusion plain on her face.
“wut”
Sarah smiles in utter glee.
“Oh, most def! It was a BLAST! Everyone couldn’t WAIT to be there! And there was ice cream, and cake, and rides, and mistaken identities, and scary bits, and-”
“Sar, that never happened. What are you-”
“Oh for the love of-”
Sarah lets out an exasperated sigh.
“Beloved, you never remember ANYTHING!”
She reaches down to put her arms around both of their daughters and squeezes them hard.
“Girls, I remember it like it was yesterday-”
“SQUEEEEEEEE!!”
Ah, the unique sound of the fangirl. The unique composition of this sound, recently described by the ever-brilliant wordsmith known simply as “J-$” to be “Half screech, one third squeal, one quarter desperate glee, with a small remainder being stark fear.” It was incomprehensible to anyone over the age of 25, typically too high in pitch for elders to hear, and causes parents in their 20s and 30s to cringe and twinge so bad it sets them on the verge of a PTSD-fueled breakdown, it is the cry and call of those fangirls. And on this particular day, the two voices “Squeeing” are so powerful as to halt the mob of people in their tracks.
“OMG THIS IS GONNA BE AMAZEBALLS”
“I JUST CAN’T OH I JUST CAN’T”
Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan and Angelica Marie Vaughn half run/half prance through the courtyard separating Disneyland and California Adventure with the energy of a 1000 preschoolers. The two run circles in the center of the space, laughing and screaming and near to tears.
SIGH
The heavy, HEAVY sigh of Kenzi Grey-Lacklan behind them is loud enough to shake the mob from their stunned silence as they watched the “Heel Shit Up” duo, though it wasn’t enough to remove the tinny should at the edge of consciousness which would haunt their ears for the rest of the day.
“Alright, alright! Everyone stick with a buddy! I’m not responsible for any Jets getting lost!”
The voice of Donovan Hastings booms and the crowd begins to move within itself as bodies depart and then converge into smaller groups. The mob is full of individuals recognizable on all of UGWC’s streaming services, including a few not so easily recognizable, from wrestlers to referees to the catering staff. Groups begin to make their way in different directions, some lazily heading towards the shops and restaurants of Downtown Disney, others towards the new Marvel-themed attractions of California Adventure, and still more towards the Magic Kingdom.
“Now, don’t forget your...GIRLS! Where are you?! I swear, I’m gonna-”
Donovan cuts off and then offers a loud groan when he sees that his two daughters are running in circles with Sarah and Angie, the foursome already headed towards a sugar crash. Birds (i.e. pigeons) and woodland creatures (i.e. rats) were beginning to answer the call of their song. Kenzi offers him a pat on the back and an understanding smile.
“Its going to be a LONG day, partner.”
Donovan takes a deep breath and steels himself.
“...winter is coming…”
~~Downtown Disney~~
Hide Yamazaki is always hungry. Thankfully, the area he has wandered into, after somehow shaking free of his handler Johnny Bonecrusher, is full of food options. Bread and soup joints, Italian, Mexican, modern gastropub burger joints, and the famous “man-catchin’ beignets” available at the Jazz Kitchen. Unfortunately for Deathwish, he chose poorly by going after the beignets, because the line for them is as long as Hyperspace Mountain.
Sebastian Everett-Bryce III is inside the Lego store, and while he’s curious to what happened to his Cooperative Championship partner, is simply happy to have one freakin’ day off from his fiance Tasha.
Dave Rydell is walking around aimlessly because he fucked over the only person left in the company who could stand him. He buys some caramel corn.
Zane Scott and Gabby Sinn somehow found themselves at the new bowling alley together. They did their best to ignore one another as they both signed up for individual lanes, but Gabby couldn’t help but notice how small Zane’s shoes were for the event. They scowled at one another as they both get to their assigned lanes and realize that they are next to one another.
So, like, we're all at D-Land, right? Because everyone LOVES and APPRECIATES the Grey-Lacklan nuptials and all and totes wanted to celebrate with us this year, right? And everything is all coolio and fun and such, and we're all having these craxy adventures, right? But as the day wears on and I run into more characters (and ascend to one, but that's getting ahead of myself), I can't help but notice that a LOT of the people I know are a LOT like some of these fictitious heroes and villains! Sers legit from good things and bad things, there are just so many crossovers and parallels and other esoteric words meaning "the same" that I just HAVE to...ya know...make some comparisons. So sit back and enjoy, dear friends.
Yes, this is going to be fun.
~~Disneyland~~
It took some secrecy, but Sloane Taylor was able to ditch her Cooperative partner out in the courtyard so that she could get some space for him. And, more importantly, dive headfirst into every single Fantasyland ride she could find.
Everyone assumed that Lucky would head straight to California Adventure in order to go get Karl Straus’ version of a Chadweiser, but to everyone’s shock, he traded out his “Devil’s Most Wanted” jacket for a “Tigger Army” biker jacket with so many pins on it that it blinded onlookers
Scott Bauer somehow ended up in the “Lost Child” room at City Hall. No one cared.
Donovan Hastings was ecstatic when he realized that the duo of Sarah and Angie would gleefully watch his kids. This was finally his opportunity to break the high score at the Buzz Lightyear ride. Stealthing behind him with a smirk on her face, Lucy Wylde has cruel intention on her mind.
Captain 80's commandeered the Mark Twain and spent all day screaming at the top of his lungs and demanding that all the female members of the staff start making out for fan service. He can be seen in front of that island every 30 minutes as the ship makes its circular path.
Dressed in all black and so gaunt from the last time we have seen her so as to appear skeletal, LACKLAN slowly walked along Main Street by herself. And all around her, children ran screaming with the terrified cry of “MALEFICENT!” She was pleased.
Ugh. Jessica Rabbit. Of COURSE Gabby is Jessica Rabbit. Oversexed to the point where any quality or purpose of the inner character is lost by any but the most astute viewers. Lets be honest here: Roger Rabbit is GREAT. Dark, moody, adult. Tying the plot to the very real dismantling of the Red Car and bringing up both good and bad things about the upcoming freeway system? Nothing short of brilliant. But it is a movie largely forgotten by Disney, a movie that they have distanced themselves from. And in a day of Disney owning Marvel, with an Avengers story arch which is VERY dark and FILLED with death, one might wonder WHY they have distanced themselves. Personally, I put it to the image of a swearing baby smoking a cigar.
And I think that’s a perfect allegory for Gabby. There was a time...LONG before I came around...where Gabby was SOMEBODY. She fought hard, fought the MAN, fought the preconceptions of what it means to be a woman in a sport generally dominated by men. EVERYONE was bigger and stronger than her, but she stood up to them and slapped them in the face. And...yes...she DID have another career, a career secretly loved by all of those same men who call her a slut in front of cameras. Now, I’m not going to sit here and talk smack on her for the general idea of doing porn...as just about everyone knows that my Beloved and I have our fair share of home videos...and not to mention repeated viewings of the adventures of Liz Smalls...but the REALITY of her career is the problem. She went from being a strong woman in control of her body, who used her sexuality as a weapon in the ring, to something not much more than a parody of what society assumes a pornstar is. She’s become just another thoughtless bimbo taking dick for money and the Gabby who won Battleground and fought Hastings at Horizon is long forgotten.
Make no mistake: That Gabby? I have never met her. All I know is the jobber who quickly flamed out when I arrived midyear of 2017. All I know is the girl who my wife coincidentally met online last year who believes that raw gangbangs scenes make quality promotional videos. All I know is the person who the Coalition is embarrassed to recognize as a member of the UGWC family. All I know is the woman who has won exactly one match in seven since returning, and who’s selection as a Captain single-handedly takes down much of the importance I have placed upon it. All I know is the woman who doomed her entire team by selecting them.
I have little love for Alan Wallace, but I axly feel sorry for him. When facing a team half-filled with my House, it doesn’t matter WHAT the dude does. There is zero chance that any member of Jessica Rabbit’s team is getting out of that first round.
~~California Adventure~~
Lisa Seldon was very, VERY over this entire experience and spent most of her time imagining what everyone would look like if they were set aflame. But she was stuck as the latest person “gifted” the admiration of Sarah Grey-Lacklan, so she had to deal with it.
At City Hall, Roxy Cotton spent half an hour arguing with the customer service representative that she, as the World’s Champion, deserved to have one of those one-on-one guides for important people. Unfortunately for her, no one in the room had any idea who she was. After offering a resigned sigh, Kenzi Grey-Lacklan removed her sunglasses and hat. There was a heavy silence before the room erupted in cheers for the star and namesake of the television show Hexx. Roxy tried not to be TOO bitter as a one-on-one guide was provided for “Mrs. Grey-Lacklan (and party)” She failed.
It took about fifteen seconds for Angie Vaughn to buy ice cream for herself and Donovan’s daughters.
The Pixar Boardwalk games were immediately taken over by what would become the latest, and greatest, battle between Travis Pierce and Alan Wallace.
Jet Somers got into the line for that cool Incredibles roller-coaster. He made a bad choice.
Bum ba-da DAHHH! Bum ba-DAHHHHH!
I’m a little young to truly appreciate Indiana Jones, what with there only being one movie made in my lifetime, but I know ABOUT the suave adventurer's movies. And...no...he's not exactly a Disney character, but his ride here is pretty badass, so it counts. Now, WHY is Travis Pierce Indy? Well for starters, he's pretty good looking. Got that rugged unshaven thing, right? And still cleans up real nice for a gala. Snappy dresser, too! Dude probs looks killer in a fedora. And you know what ELSE he has in common with Indy?
Just about nothing he does matters.
Now, just about everyone watching this promotional video knows what I’m about to get at, because NERDS. There is an argument out there that in Raider of the Lost Ark, the entire movie would have gone EXACTLY the same if Indiana was plucked from the story. The Nazis would have gotten the medallion, they would have excavated the city, they would have opened the Ark, and their faces would have melted off by God’s Holy Wrath. But in the movie, Indiana temporarily waylays the Nazis before doing all the digging for them and then sitting impotently while the Ark gets opened.
And that’s basically Pierce’s entire career.
Over and again, he does things. He cuts promotional videos. He temporarily wins championships. But as the “movie” of professional wrestling within the confines of the Coalition goes on, nothing changes due to his actions. For all of his quips and quibbles, for all of his witticisms over the current events of the world, for each and every one of videos, whether they be literally just playing a tape of what happened years ago, or completely ignoring his next match while instead focusing on Trump for fuck-all reasoning, or the extremely rare actual promo of quality like against Vain at WrestleStock, if you took a magic eraser and took away all of his work everything would be the same. He has had ZERO effect on ANYTHING important in the landscape of this company, no matter how snappy his attire may be.
Now, yes, you CAN make an argument that Indy had EVERYTHING to do with Temple of Doom. And I agree! Without Indy riding that inflatable raft down into India, those cute-as-flame kids would have dug out the rest of the Kali stones and the Thuggee cult would have brought darkness all across the land. And so, yes, Indy DID do something important that ONE time. Kinda like that ONE INSTANCE where Pierce is worth a damn, and that is at the side of Jet in the Cooperative ranks. But even THEN, for ALL of his words and bluster of the “domination” of the Piercing Weapons, that STILL has amounted to his brand of fuck-all this year with TWO failed shots at those titles!
Which, I suppose, brings us back to Indy. Because even with his success in India, he once again finds himself unneeded going forward. Without him, the Nazis would eventually have found themselves in Alexandretta and turning to dust after choosing poorly. And in the forests of South America, Spalko still would have had her mind blasted by the aliens. Once again, the “hero” of the story does naught by sit by as others get the work done, and all of his machinations are but dust swept away by the ages.
Such is the same for Travis Pierce. I believe that, with whip in hand or not, he and his entire team will find themselves the Indiana Jones of three out of four films, and the reality of Seb’s entire team getting to the championship round, a feet only once before attained, will be inevitable.
And THAT is a painful truth.
~~The Abyss~~
Travis Roberts was looking forward to some fun today, which included being away from his crazy cult, but unfortunately for him, he got stuck behind Phrixus Deimos in the security line. No matter how many times the security guards asked, Fear refused to “take off that thing” which somehow obscures his face in every photograph.
While dealing with Fear and his unfortunate stalkee, a message goes out over the walkie talkies of the security staff: Help was needed on one of the trams. Konrad Raab puked over the entire thing.
Kate Steel was at Knotts’ Berry Farm and didn't understand where everyone was or why they’re upset she would rather be elsewhere.
Okay okay. EVERYONE say this one coming. The Grumpy Cat of wrestling is, of course, Grumpy the Dwarf. Yes, I could have been more original. Yes, I could have gone a different direction. I know a few who wished I would have gone with Mr. Potato Head. But...c’mon! I HAD to!
Here’s the thing about Johnny: He’s got a great team! I mean, his whole dealio here is being this cantankerous old coot who somehow is able to get things done due to the collective efforts of those around him, and he’s totes on brand for this event! After all, even a cursory look at what he and Hide have axly accomplished this year shows how little they have mattered when fighting by themselves. Four and seven when not fighting in the Cooperative division? Pretty sad, that. And the Haiku battle royal aside, do not EVEN get me started on that farce during the Melee!
Thus it is with true admiration that I commend him for such an excellent Outlast team. He CHEATED to get it, as he went AGAINST the rules of who NOT to draft that EVERYONE ELSE was cool with, but it IS a well-made team. The star is my Beloved, of course, whose penchant for taking in stray dogs has found her once again accepting a mongrel such as he into our wider circle. Mind you, he MIGHT want to keep an eye on Step-Mumsie, since she literally took the match last year as an opportunity to work with Eden and Baal and take down her own captain, the Harvester, so...ya know...mind the craxy. And Zane is...well...perhaps he’ll buy his way into the championship round again? Because lets be honest, here: I expect my Beloved to outlast the team, and even perhaps Step-Mumsie if she axly cares, but Zane? Being able to Outlast Vain? Or a properly-motivated TRoberts? He’ll need to spend those Global Dollars he’s been accumulating through the many MANY Ls he’s taken this year. I mean, there have been a TON, right? And that loser’s purse doesn’t net you much, but you can buy a car if you pick up enough pennies, right?
Anyway, the POINT of all of this is that Johnny’s team-making skills are admirable and he will KINDA find victory, if indirectly. But just like how Grumpy was just kinda one of the dwarves who was THERE at the scene when the Queen took her fall off the cliff but didn’t axly cause her to FALL. So, sure, he’ll get credit for his team advancing, as I detailed before, but his main charge? Hide, himself? No way, man. Because he’s too influenced and dependent upon a man whose best years were when I was still at Lacklanland Middle School. The Hitmaker may have found himself in a place of power for the time being, but like his charge of Grumpy, he will be far outshone by everyone on his team, even the comic relief of Dopie Zane.
~~Outside the parks~~
Hide is halfway through the line. He’s still hungry. He wishes he had brought some pencils.
SEBIII is inside the home decor store and hitting on just about every woman he sees. And a few men. He is SO glad Tasha isn’t there.
Rydell buys a churro. No one wants to share it. He’s happy with that.
Zane and Gabby are in a pitched bowling battle. Both are lathered in sweat. Shit is getting real.
T-Robb can’t stop utilizing his extensive curse word collection as security has called for backup due to Fear’s refusal to get rid of his own face. He has begun to tear them down with words so big that they do not understand them.
They had to send a second tram to pick up all the people who Raab puked on.
Kate has sent in several videos of her having fun while riding Ghost Rider and Montezuma's Revenge to show that, yes, she IS good at going to amusement parks. Just other ones.
Now, I KNOW that Sebby axly sees himself as Prince Charming, or perhaps he busts out a French accent and goes with Gaston, and those ARE good choices. Well, if you only scratch the surface, anyway. Because yes! He’s pretty and charming. Yes! He’s tall and strong. And five Global Dollars says that no one expectorates as well as he . But, again, that is only scratching the surface, ya know? You have to dig deep if you want to dominate the world of wrestling, you have to pull back the layers to see what is underneath. And since I’m so good at that, I know the truth fo the matter:
Seb-Troi is Doctor Facilier.
Villain in the criminally underrated Princess and the Frog (GOOOooooooooOOOOO TIANA AND CHARLOTTE SHIPS!), the witch doctor has a TON of power. Dude is smooth as FLAME, has a KILLER song, momentarily is in charge of basically the whole damn town, and is voiced by freakin’ Goliath! But, and here’s the kicker, all of that power and influence is based upon illusion. Its based upon nothing REAL. And it only takes a strong-willed woman, or frog, for that matter, to shatter the Shadow Man’s control. And that is perhaps the most striking similarity between Sebward and Facilier:
He’s a second-tier villain.
Yes yes, he’s talented. There’s no denying that! He takes people to Suplex Kingdom (see what I did there?), he’s as smooth a talker as anyone this side of Vain, and he has spent the majority of his short time in the Coalition either winning or being super duper close to it. He’s unstoppable! Well, I mean, if you discount the fact that he’s only struck gold one time out of the four he’s gone for a championship. And if you discount the fact that Sloane gobbles up all the shine when they stand next to one another. AND if you discount the fact that he wins most of his matches by lulling his opponents to sleep by his unending blather. And I suppose THAT is the thing which makes him MOST like Facilier: Once the illusion filled with honeyed words is broken, we see him for who he is. We see him for a “villain” who pales in comparison to the monsters of UGWC’s past. We see someone who has less smoothness than the aforementioned Wallace. We see the “plus one” that the WrestleStock Cup winner takes to parties.
That all being said, I FULLY expect to see Seb-Tres in the finals with me. In fact, I expect to see his entire team! I know that people have heaped praise on him for amassing such a group of badassary as rarely seen before, but getting Angie was luck, considering that other idiotic captains passed on her while she was available. Picking Slaone in the first round was, of course, the worst-kept secret this side of Baal taking Eden last year. And the surprise of Lucy? Well, lets just say that I’m happy she can’t eliminate me from the opening round for a third year in a row!
I look forward to seeing Facilier in the second half of the evening on Monday. I just hope that enough audience members will be awake to see me beat him after having to sit through another one of his promotional videos which threaten to have a shittier pace than even Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Honestly, that whole “OMG here’s the Enterprise barely moving for ten seconds straight...for the FIFTH time in the movie!” dealio is basically one third of those “masterpieces” offered up by one half of our current Cooperative Champions. Good thing he’s facing that shit team T-Pie put together!
~~Inside the parks~~
Sloane has ridden Peter Pan three times, with the third time being when she pushed a few kids out of the way so that she could get the pirate ship.
Lucky has DOUBLED his pin count, including getting that super rare “Tiana making out with Charlotte” pin that was made “on accident,” and he now clings! and clangs! as he walks like he’s wearing chainmail.
Bauer still hasn’t had anyone come and claim him.
Donovan shouts in TRIUMPH as the Buzz Lightyear ride breaks down RIGHT when he is at the final room and at the perfect angle for hitting that target at the top of the wall behind Giant Zurg. Unfortunately for him, Lucy’s pod is stopped right in front of that first smaller Zurg, the one with a MASSIVE bonus for the target on his chest that no one knows about.
The Captain has used the Mark Twain to sink the Columbia. We don’t know how.
Children still run from LACKLAN and someone has given her one of those hats that give you Maleficent’s horns. She remains pleased.
Sarah has been bitching about all of the “sluts” parading around in the SoCal sun without any clothes on and a disbelieving Kenzi points out how half of Sar’s #SquatBooty hangs out of her shorts and her top makes it clear that she is a high-ranking member of the #FreeTheNipple movement. Sarah’s face is the picture of innocence.
Lisa conveniently disappeared as they passed by a Pixar Meet and Greet.
We stopped paying attention to Roxy but more on that later.
Angie has taken the Hasting Girls through the line at Ghirardelli’s seven times for the free sample square of chocolate.
Vain has swept the floor with Pierce at literally every game on the Boardwalk. But then Pierce reminds him of that ONE FREAKIN’ TIME he beat him and Vain’s vanity takes over and they have to play another game.
Jet is somehow further back in line than he started.
Me: Hey, Alexa?
iPhone: Yes, your Royal Hotness?
Me: If you were a shitty German dude with next to zero momentum, redeeming about skills or talent, and the literal worst record as a professional wrestler in the history of the business, what Disney character would YOU be?
iPhone: Does not compute
Me: Yeah, I agree. Literally ZERO heroes OR villains are ANYTHING like this total shitbag filled with pathetic excuse after pathetic excuse that I have to deal with. I mean, like, he’s not even on par with ANY featured character...not even in a sequel! Hell, even some third-tiered villain like Poltergeist Pat in a random Vampirina episode on Disney Junior is above his station! Hmmmm….Hey, Alexa?
iPhone: Yes, Cream in Kenzi’s Coffee?
Me: What is the SHITTIEST, most WORTHLESS, most MINDNUMBINGLY BAD side character has there ever been in a Disney film?
iPhone:
And THAT, Baby Birds, is how I got to Raab. See, Flounder is the WORST. All he does is swim around Ariel and soak up her shine, probs filling out that “I’ve got a loser friend from when I was a kid that I’m not mean or honest enough to tell to kick rocks” position, and get literally NOTHING done. He doesn't fight. He doesn’t help make decisions. He doesn’t help with Ariel’s quest for acceptance in the human work or creating an alliance between that word and her merfolk realm. ALL of that is either handled by Sebastian, Prince Eric, or the protagonist herself. Flounder is just some fat fish who was used as a marketing ploy for toys and offers absolutely NOTHING else to the entire movie. And if ANYONE in this company, perhaps even this BUSINESS, can be said to be floundering, its freakin’ RAAAAAAAB.
Know what’s funny about that? About “RAAAAAAB?” The SINGLE most INTERESTING thing that has EVER had to do with Raab is a drunken Angie realizing that if you hold out the A and say “RAAAAAAAAB” the jobbers name kinda sounds like the sound of a vuvuzela. Sers legit, the ONLY things that ANYONE ever remembers about Raab are because of me and my friends. For instance, we like bringing up that whole puking thing, right? Because it was as gross and unnecessary as Roxy’s Captain adventure, yeah? And just like how we love to give HER shit for that ill-advised moment, we do the same for him. And he gets all kinds of mad at me! Wonder why he doesn’t get mad at me for constantly bringing up (the one) positive thing like four hour sexathons? Guess that would take a level of consistency that Raab just can’t even fathom, much less handle.
But if Raab should be mad at me for anything, if he is going to be mad about being Sarah’d (its a thing) about the puking thing, he really SHOULD be mad about how shit I had to say about him over a YEAR AGO still applies! All the stuff I said about him when he and Deimos were going after the 5’2” Mafia’s Cooperative gold? About how he wasn’t EVER prepared for his matches no matter HOW much time he spent away doing “mental training” going into them? That shit still applies! Over a fucking year later and NOTHING about the idiot has changed!
“BUT SARAH! HE HAS FOUGHT IN CHA-”
Fuck outta here with that nonsense. Listen, I GET that just about everyone in the company is jumping on the Raab Train and talking about how much better he has gotten over the months. I get it! But that is BULLSHIT! Everyone is afraid to admit the truth, and I don’t even know why, but I’m not! I’m that kid in school who rose their hand and asked, once called upon, “Um...isn’t this all...ya know...fucking stupid and useless?” And so I will NOT be afraid to say that about Raab.
Lo! Watch as Raab tirelessly puts himself through the paces of new matchtypes yet STILL wins less than a quarter of his matches.
Lo! Watch as Raab pushes himself and grows and goes on a MASSIVE four match win streak...but those wins were literally ove the WORST of the company in Gabby and Kate, as well as being DRAGGED to a victory by SLEBBY.
Lo! At least he didn’t puke in the Cuties hair!
Lo! He’s so shitty that he doesn’t even deserve a full set of Lo!s
And that team of his?
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
NBK...who MAY do something at least passable…
Kate...who is too busy crying on that beach to remember what relevancy is…
Jet...who MAY be able to get past...um….Lucky? Maybe?
I mean, Ol’ Flounder here doesn’t have the WORST team in the history of Outlast (that’s Team Gabby!) but holy FUCK are they trying to give them a run for their money!
No one ever, EVER found NBK the entire time. Guess he rolled a 20 on his Ninja.
It took three hours to clean up Raab’s mess.
Gabby bowled THREE perfect games by the end of the day, because she knows all ABOUT how to slide things right down the middle. And because there had to be SOME sex joke in here. Zane hopes that this can finally be the loss that propels him to the World’s Championship.
Sebward smiled warmly when he got back in his car. Until he opened is phone and found 2456 texts from his fiance. Welp, it HAD been a wonderful day.
No one ever bothered to pick up Bauer.
Tom Sawyer Island is now owned by Captain 80’s.
Security ended up arresting Deimos. They didn’t bother arresting TRoberts, though. But its okay. He’s used to no one wanting him.
Kenzi ended up “getting lucky” with Elsa in a broom closet in the special Frozen meet and greet area. That will make sense in a bit.
Speaking of, Lucky successfully hid away his new trading pin treasures with his Tigger motorcycle jacket before the rest of the DMW picked him up. His secret was safe.
Donovan set an all new personal record for Astro Blasters with 849340 points. Unfortunately for him, Lucy maxed out the game with 999999. But his girls showed up to cheer him up.
Vain ended up winning every single stuffed animal available at the Boardwalk. He left all of them there. Children attacked them with much vigor and somehow Pierce was able to take the credit. All was right with the world.
Sarah was mistaken for the newest cast member to play Elsa. Her response when asked if she was supposed to be in the back getting into her dress and makeup was simply, “Yes. Yes I am.”
Kate got kicked out of Knotts. Not even Snoopy wanted her.
Hide was THIS GODDAMN CLOSE to getting a beignet when Johnny came rushing in and yelling and screaming and in general being a dick. By the time Hide turned around, the shop was closed.
Both Roxy and Angie went missing. The former was met with shrugs, the latter with promises to keep an eye out for her.
Dave somehow ended up at O’Malleys.
Jet is still in line for the Incredicoaster.
But he’s not alone, because Sloane hid in a trash can so that she could ride Snow White for the 5th time after hours.
Lisa, badass hardcore champion extraordinaire, the secret weapon on the team with a super long name, basically turned into a little doe-eyed girl in the face of Merida. Yes, she would be Brave. She would be Brave for Merida. She trembled when she got her hug and autograph.
Bordy now has Maleficent’s scepter. She is pleased.
Epilogue
This ranked as a Top Five day in Sarah’s life. Mistaken for the newest Elsa hire, she had found herself backstage where only cast members could go, crammed into Elsa’s dress, had a light touch of makeup to accentuate her already pale skin, a pair of her blue contacts to hide the red, and her platinum hair woven into a thick braid. All day long, she met children...beautiful children...in the center of the Animation Studio alongside a handful of Annas. She refused to take any breaks for fear of losing even a single moment of this bliss. She was at home. She was herself. Hell, she even got lucky! Kenzi had wandered into the room, looking for her “lost” wife, and seen her in her getup. The flush in Kenzi’s cheeks, that distinct shade of purple she turned with either aroused or angry...and often both, when it concerned the more troublesome Mrs. Grey-Lacklan, was all Sarah needed to see to both ask for a quick break to find some broom closet or something as soon as possible, AND to make a mental note in her journal to requisition an Elsa costume or two for the bedroom. In fact, she-
Sarah smiles as the door opens and the next Anna comes out to join her. This one seemed taller than the rest, in fact quite a bit so, and-
Her eyes go wide.
“Ang?”
Anna stops short and familiar blue eyes open wide, as well.
“Sar-Sar?”
The two squeal a bit and come together in a hug.
“What are you doing here?” asks Sarah as she pulls on one of “Anna’s" brown braids, the wig shifting with the tub. Angie smiles down at her friend with a mouth full of teeth.
“Someone thought I was Anna! And before I knew it, I was in this dress and totes Anna! Isn’t it totes coolio?”
Sarah’s face falls as Angie tells her tale.
“You...they thought...but I…”
“Well, first they totes thought I was Aurora, which is tabs the obvs choice. I mean, I’m so sers legit Aurora that my agent, you know her, she axly had to turn down the role and they let it go to that one short girl. N-E-Ways, yeah, first they thought I was Aurora but THEN they thought I was Anna and-”
“GODDAMNIT!”
Angie’s face recoils as if slapped as Sar screams. The pale face had gone from the cherub’s rose and fallen to hurt, and now had contorted in the devil’s rage.
“Why is it ALWAYS about YOU, Angie?! This was MY THING! MINE! Why do you ALWAYS have to make it about YOU?!”
Angie tries to get in a word but is unable to do more than stammer in the face of her friend’s rage.
“WHY...oh WHY...is it ALWAYS ANGIE, ANGIE, ANGIE?!”
Sarah stomps her foot into the ground several times, once for each screamed word, and turns away from her friend.
“Sar, I-”
Sarah cuts her off with a raised finger as her eyes move back and forth in a rapid succession.
“Everything you have, Angie? Everything? EV-ER-Y-THING. Is because of ME!”
She turns to face Angie again and wetness pushes out of the side of the contact lenses in her eyes.
“What would the world be like, huh? What would have happened if I had not LET you win that battle royal? What would have happened if I had not HANDED you that title shot? What would have happened if I had not PUSHED you to win that match? You know what would have happened? My Beloved and I would STILL be the Cooperative Champions and YOU would still be at the BOTTOM OF THE CARD and begging for the SCRAPS that Necron left of Ava! YOU would NEVER have become World Champion! You would have NEVER become a Grand Slam winner. But no. NO! It just HAD to be about YOU, didn’t it?! DIDN’T IT?!”
Angie is silent in the assault of Sarah. Over a year’s worth of pain and frustration stemming from losing the Cooperative Championships to Team Angell bursting from the bottle as if corked for too long. The lines on Sarah’s face, deep lines of worry etched deep far before they should have, catch the light of the room to cast shadows upon her visage.
“And ANOTHER thing! I-”
She cuts off as the door leading to the guest area opens.
“Um...I’m sorry...I know its late, but I really wanted to see you guys. I’m a huge f-”
Roxy Cotton cuts off as the eyes of the little girl give way to the adult and she recognizes the faces of Anna and Elsa.
“Ang? Sar? What are-”
“YOU!”
Sarah’s voice is full of a disgusted growl as she turns her finger to Roxy.
“YOU are even WORSE than SHE is!”
Roxy blinks in confusion as Sarah stomps towards her.
“At least people CARED about Angie! They cheered for her! Vied for her! HOPED for her! They LOVED her. They CARED about her. They RESPECTED Vain. They LOVED Lucy. They even tolerated Zane! And that pop for Hastings at Horizons in 2017? MASSIVE. But YOU?”
Sarah shakes her head as she gets up close to Roxy.
“The people don’t CARE that you are champion, Rox. The ONLY person in the whole fucking WORLD who is talking about you being the champion is YOU. We didn’t have a killer afterparty for you because we didn’t want YOU as champ. The media machine doesn’t bother to promo you because THEY don’t care that you’re champ. Not a single person has cashed in any money to fight you because the ROSTER doesn’t care. Hell, the ONLY thing people care about right now are the Cooperative Titles! The titles that YOU could never defend! People are as apathetic about you being champion as you are pathetic at being it!”
She points to Angie.
“I was supposed to be HER, Rox. I was supposed to assemble my team and dethrone HER. But no! NO! The DISGRACE of Grand Slam occured and your delusional bullshit swept over the world and allowed you to take what doesn’t belong to you.”
She gets back in Roxy’s face.
“But that’s going to change, Rox. Because it would be a fucking MIRACLE if your fake ass bullshit got you through Outlast as the champion. The field that is going to be in the championship round this year? We ME in it? With Kenzi in it? With Angie’s entire TEAM in it, like I predict? Bitch, you have ZERO chance of defending that title you don’t deserve to wear.”
She shakes her head.
“And IF you somehow survive? IF you are somehow able to weave a tapestry of lies like you did before and scrape by with the narrowest of margins? If you are able to fall on top of an exhausted Seb or Sloane or Lucy and get the final three?”
Her eyes harden.
“So you and I are clear, Roxy: This isn’t just me flipping the bitch switch for a bit and then we can go out and get ice cream after and make fun of the way Kate smells. This is for real, friend. IF you defy the extreme odds and survive?”
She smiles.
“I have Global Dollars burning a hole in my pocket. And I WILL be challenging for your championship.”
She leans in close.
“Because this is MY destiny, Roxy. My manifest destiny. And I won’t stop until I’m legend.”
“Happy Anniversary, babe.”
The duo once known as the 5’2” Mafia lounge on a black leather couch with two children sitting in between them. Sarah’s face, rounded with time and childbirth, is split nearly in two as her odd red eyes, magnified behind thick glasses, gazes at her family. Brynlynn’s curly dark hair, currently allowed to “poof” up into the air while free of any braids or ties, makes the ten year old seem taller than her parents as they sit on the couch, and Lorelai’s blue eyes shine with delight though blonde bangs as she plays a game with her older sister. The two were a mixed skin tone, each somewhere in between their mothers, but both closer to one than the other, with Brynlynn dark, turning nearly black when in the sun, and Lorelai close to pale. On the other side of the couch, Kenzi’s own smile was warm as she looked at her partner. Sarah has difficulty keeping the jealousy at bay whenever she seems her wife smile; after all, whereas Sarah’s eyes had only grown more worn over the years, the deep worry lines created from events in her early twenties, Kenzi was proof of the silliness of “black doesn’t crack.”
“Twenty years, Kenzi. Where does it go?”
Kenzi shakes her head as she turns back down to the device in her lap and offers a small laugh.
“I don’t know Sar. Somewhere.”
Her hands move over the screen, fingers hovering over places as decisions are made.
“Ugh. This latest Hexx project is tough. Lots of moving pieces for the 25th anniversary coming up in a couple years.”
“Hmmmm," Sarah says while stroking her chin in thought. “Sounds like YOU need a VAAAAACAYYYYYY!”
The two girls in the center open their eyes up wide and smile at the thought, brown and blue eyes sparkling in wonder. Kenzi sighs and gives a small laugh as she shuts down her device before looking up to meet the familiar look of mischief in Sarah’s eyes.
“Any ideas?”
Sarah strokes her chin again.
“Hmmmm. We have been on so MANY adventures...especially around this time. Hey! What is YOUR favorite anniversary adventure we’ve had?”
“Tokyo,” responds Kenzi without any hesitation. Sarah rolls her eyes and slumps backward against her end of the couch.
“Of COURSE you would say THAT! Honeymoon doesn’t count! What is your fave ANNIVERSARY fun?”
Kenzi scrunches her face in thought for a moment but then shakes her head.
“I don’t know. What about you?”
“That time the entire UGWC joined us at Disneyland to celebrate.”
Kenzi blinks several times in rapid succession, the confusion plain on her face.
“wut”
Sarah smiles in utter glee.
“Oh, most def! It was a BLAST! Everyone couldn’t WAIT to be there! And there was ice cream, and cake, and rides, and mistaken identities, and scary bits, and-”
“Sar, that never happened. What are you-”
“Oh for the love of-”
Sarah lets out an exasperated sigh.
“Beloved, you never remember ANYTHING!”
She reaches down to put her arms around both of their daughters and squeezes them hard.
“Girls, I remember it like it was yesterday-”
Presenting the House of Lacklan Saga Story of:
That One Time, at Disneyland
“SQUEEEEEEEE!!”
Ah, the unique sound of the fangirl. The unique composition of this sound, recently described by the ever-brilliant wordsmith known simply as “J-$” to be “Half screech, one third squeal, one quarter desperate glee, with a small remainder being stark fear.” It was incomprehensible to anyone over the age of 25, typically too high in pitch for elders to hear, and causes parents in their 20s and 30s to cringe and twinge so bad it sets them on the verge of a PTSD-fueled breakdown, it is the cry and call of those fangirls. And on this particular day, the two voices “Squeeing” are so powerful as to halt the mob of people in their tracks.
“OMG THIS IS GONNA BE AMAZEBALLS”
“I JUST CAN’T OH I JUST CAN’T”
Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan and Angelica Marie Vaughn half run/half prance through the courtyard separating Disneyland and California Adventure with the energy of a 1000 preschoolers. The two run circles in the center of the space, laughing and screaming and near to tears.
SIGH
The heavy, HEAVY sigh of Kenzi Grey-Lacklan behind them is loud enough to shake the mob from their stunned silence as they watched the “Heel Shit Up” duo, though it wasn’t enough to remove the tinny should at the edge of consciousness which would haunt their ears for the rest of the day.
“Alright, alright! Everyone stick with a buddy! I’m not responsible for any Jets getting lost!”
The voice of Donovan Hastings booms and the crowd begins to move within itself as bodies depart and then converge into smaller groups. The mob is full of individuals recognizable on all of UGWC’s streaming services, including a few not so easily recognizable, from wrestlers to referees to the catering staff. Groups begin to make their way in different directions, some lazily heading towards the shops and restaurants of Downtown Disney, others towards the new Marvel-themed attractions of California Adventure, and still more towards the Magic Kingdom.
“Now, don’t forget your...GIRLS! Where are you?! I swear, I’m gonna-”
Donovan cuts off and then offers a loud groan when he sees that his two daughters are running in circles with Sarah and Angie, the foursome already headed towards a sugar crash. Birds (i.e. pigeons) and woodland creatures (i.e. rats) were beginning to answer the call of their song. Kenzi offers him a pat on the back and an understanding smile.
“Its going to be a LONG day, partner.”
Donovan takes a deep breath and steels himself.
“...winter is coming…”
~~Downtown Disney~~
Hide Yamazaki is always hungry. Thankfully, the area he has wandered into, after somehow shaking free of his handler Johnny Bonecrusher, is full of food options. Bread and soup joints, Italian, Mexican, modern gastropub burger joints, and the famous “man-catchin’ beignets” available at the Jazz Kitchen. Unfortunately for Deathwish, he chose poorly by going after the beignets, because the line for them is as long as Hyperspace Mountain.
Sebastian Everett-Bryce III is inside the Lego store, and while he’s curious to what happened to his Cooperative Championship partner, is simply happy to have one freakin’ day off from his fiance Tasha.
Dave Rydell is walking around aimlessly because he fucked over the only person left in the company who could stand him. He buys some caramel corn.
Zane Scott and Gabby Sinn somehow found themselves at the new bowling alley together. They did their best to ignore one another as they both signed up for individual lanes, but Gabby couldn’t help but notice how small Zane’s shoes were for the event. They scowled at one another as they both get to their assigned lanes and realize that they are next to one another.
So, like, we're all at D-Land, right? Because everyone LOVES and APPRECIATES the Grey-Lacklan nuptials and all and totes wanted to celebrate with us this year, right? And everything is all coolio and fun and such, and we're all having these craxy adventures, right? But as the day wears on and I run into more characters (and ascend to one, but that's getting ahead of myself), I can't help but notice that a LOT of the people I know are a LOT like some of these fictitious heroes and villains! Sers legit from good things and bad things, there are just so many crossovers and parallels and other esoteric words meaning "the same" that I just HAVE to...ya know...make some comparisons. So sit back and enjoy, dear friends.
Yes, this is going to be fun.
~~Disneyland~~
It took some secrecy, but Sloane Taylor was able to ditch her Cooperative partner out in the courtyard so that she could get some space for him. And, more importantly, dive headfirst into every single Fantasyland ride she could find.
Everyone assumed that Lucky would head straight to California Adventure in order to go get Karl Straus’ version of a Chadweiser, but to everyone’s shock, he traded out his “Devil’s Most Wanted” jacket for a “Tigger Army” biker jacket with so many pins on it that it blinded onlookers
Scott Bauer somehow ended up in the “Lost Child” room at City Hall. No one cared.
Donovan Hastings was ecstatic when he realized that the duo of Sarah and Angie would gleefully watch his kids. This was finally his opportunity to break the high score at the Buzz Lightyear ride. Stealthing behind him with a smirk on her face, Lucy Wylde has cruel intention on her mind.
Captain 80's commandeered the Mark Twain and spent all day screaming at the top of his lungs and demanding that all the female members of the staff start making out for fan service. He can be seen in front of that island every 30 minutes as the ship makes its circular path.
Dressed in all black and so gaunt from the last time we have seen her so as to appear skeletal, LACKLAN slowly walked along Main Street by herself. And all around her, children ran screaming with the terrified cry of “MALEFICENT!” She was pleased.
Ugh. Jessica Rabbit. Of COURSE Gabby is Jessica Rabbit. Oversexed to the point where any quality or purpose of the inner character is lost by any but the most astute viewers. Lets be honest here: Roger Rabbit is GREAT. Dark, moody, adult. Tying the plot to the very real dismantling of the Red Car and bringing up both good and bad things about the upcoming freeway system? Nothing short of brilliant. But it is a movie largely forgotten by Disney, a movie that they have distanced themselves from. And in a day of Disney owning Marvel, with an Avengers story arch which is VERY dark and FILLED with death, one might wonder WHY they have distanced themselves. Personally, I put it to the image of a swearing baby smoking a cigar.
And I think that’s a perfect allegory for Gabby. There was a time...LONG before I came around...where Gabby was SOMEBODY. She fought hard, fought the MAN, fought the preconceptions of what it means to be a woman in a sport generally dominated by men. EVERYONE was bigger and stronger than her, but she stood up to them and slapped them in the face. And...yes...she DID have another career, a career secretly loved by all of those same men who call her a slut in front of cameras. Now, I’m not going to sit here and talk smack on her for the general idea of doing porn...as just about everyone knows that my Beloved and I have our fair share of home videos...and not to mention repeated viewings of the adventures of Liz Smalls...but the REALITY of her career is the problem. She went from being a strong woman in control of her body, who used her sexuality as a weapon in the ring, to something not much more than a parody of what society assumes a pornstar is. She’s become just another thoughtless bimbo taking dick for money and the Gabby who won Battleground and fought Hastings at Horizon is long forgotten.
Make no mistake: That Gabby? I have never met her. All I know is the jobber who quickly flamed out when I arrived midyear of 2017. All I know is the girl who my wife coincidentally met online last year who believes that raw gangbangs scenes make quality promotional videos. All I know is the person who the Coalition is embarrassed to recognize as a member of the UGWC family. All I know is the woman who has won exactly one match in seven since returning, and who’s selection as a Captain single-handedly takes down much of the importance I have placed upon it. All I know is the woman who doomed her entire team by selecting them.
I have little love for Alan Wallace, but I axly feel sorry for him. When facing a team half-filled with my House, it doesn’t matter WHAT the dude does. There is zero chance that any member of Jessica Rabbit’s team is getting out of that first round.
Lisa Seldon was very, VERY over this entire experience and spent most of her time imagining what everyone would look like if they were set aflame. But she was stuck as the latest person “gifted” the admiration of Sarah Grey-Lacklan, so she had to deal with it.
At City Hall, Roxy Cotton spent half an hour arguing with the customer service representative that she, as the World’s Champion, deserved to have one of those one-on-one guides for important people. Unfortunately for her, no one in the room had any idea who she was. After offering a resigned sigh, Kenzi Grey-Lacklan removed her sunglasses and hat. There was a heavy silence before the room erupted in cheers for the star and namesake of the television show Hexx. Roxy tried not to be TOO bitter as a one-on-one guide was provided for “Mrs. Grey-Lacklan (and party)” She failed.
It took about fifteen seconds for Angie Vaughn to buy ice cream for herself and Donovan’s daughters.
The Pixar Boardwalk games were immediately taken over by what would become the latest, and greatest, battle between Travis Pierce and Alan Wallace.
Jet Somers got into the line for that cool Incredibles roller-coaster. He made a bad choice.
Bum ba-da DAHHH! Bum ba-DAHHHHH!
I’m a little young to truly appreciate Indiana Jones, what with there only being one movie made in my lifetime, but I know ABOUT the suave adventurer's movies. And...no...he's not exactly a Disney character, but his ride here is pretty badass, so it counts. Now, WHY is Travis Pierce Indy? Well for starters, he's pretty good looking. Got that rugged unshaven thing, right? And still cleans up real nice for a gala. Snappy dresser, too! Dude probs looks killer in a fedora. And you know what ELSE he has in common with Indy?
Just about nothing he does matters.
Now, just about everyone watching this promotional video knows what I’m about to get at, because NERDS. There is an argument out there that in Raider of the Lost Ark, the entire movie would have gone EXACTLY the same if Indiana was plucked from the story. The Nazis would have gotten the medallion, they would have excavated the city, they would have opened the Ark, and their faces would have melted off by God’s Holy Wrath. But in the movie, Indiana temporarily waylays the Nazis before doing all the digging for them and then sitting impotently while the Ark gets opened.
And that’s basically Pierce’s entire career.
Over and again, he does things. He cuts promotional videos. He temporarily wins championships. But as the “movie” of professional wrestling within the confines of the Coalition goes on, nothing changes due to his actions. For all of his quips and quibbles, for all of his witticisms over the current events of the world, for each and every one of videos, whether they be literally just playing a tape of what happened years ago, or completely ignoring his next match while instead focusing on Trump for fuck-all reasoning, or the extremely rare actual promo of quality like against Vain at WrestleStock, if you took a magic eraser and took away all of his work everything would be the same. He has had ZERO effect on ANYTHING important in the landscape of this company, no matter how snappy his attire may be.
Now, yes, you CAN make an argument that Indy had EVERYTHING to do with Temple of Doom. And I agree! Without Indy riding that inflatable raft down into India, those cute-as-flame kids would have dug out the rest of the Kali stones and the Thuggee cult would have brought darkness all across the land. And so, yes, Indy DID do something important that ONE time. Kinda like that ONE INSTANCE where Pierce is worth a damn, and that is at the side of Jet in the Cooperative ranks. But even THEN, for ALL of his words and bluster of the “domination” of the Piercing Weapons, that STILL has amounted to his brand of fuck-all this year with TWO failed shots at those titles!
Which, I suppose, brings us back to Indy. Because even with his success in India, he once again finds himself unneeded going forward. Without him, the Nazis would eventually have found themselves in Alexandretta and turning to dust after choosing poorly. And in the forests of South America, Spalko still would have had her mind blasted by the aliens. Once again, the “hero” of the story does naught by sit by as others get the work done, and all of his machinations are but dust swept away by the ages.
Such is the same for Travis Pierce. I believe that, with whip in hand or not, he and his entire team will find themselves the Indiana Jones of three out of four films, and the reality of Seb’s entire team getting to the championship round, a feet only once before attained, will be inevitable.
And THAT is a painful truth.
~~The Abyss~~
Travis Roberts was looking forward to some fun today, which included being away from his crazy cult, but unfortunately for him, he got stuck behind Phrixus Deimos in the security line. No matter how many times the security guards asked, Fear refused to “take off that thing” which somehow obscures his face in every photograph.
While dealing with Fear and his unfortunate stalkee, a message goes out over the walkie talkies of the security staff: Help was needed on one of the trams. Konrad Raab puked over the entire thing.
Kate Steel was at Knotts’ Berry Farm and didn't understand where everyone was or why they’re upset she would rather be elsewhere.
Okay okay. EVERYONE say this one coming. The Grumpy Cat of wrestling is, of course, Grumpy the Dwarf. Yes, I could have been more original. Yes, I could have gone a different direction. I know a few who wished I would have gone with Mr. Potato Head. But...c’mon! I HAD to!
Here’s the thing about Johnny: He’s got a great team! I mean, his whole dealio here is being this cantankerous old coot who somehow is able to get things done due to the collective efforts of those around him, and he’s totes on brand for this event! After all, even a cursory look at what he and Hide have axly accomplished this year shows how little they have mattered when fighting by themselves. Four and seven when not fighting in the Cooperative division? Pretty sad, that. And the Haiku battle royal aside, do not EVEN get me started on that farce during the Melee!
Thus it is with true admiration that I commend him for such an excellent Outlast team. He CHEATED to get it, as he went AGAINST the rules of who NOT to draft that EVERYONE ELSE was cool with, but it IS a well-made team. The star is my Beloved, of course, whose penchant for taking in stray dogs has found her once again accepting a mongrel such as he into our wider circle. Mind you, he MIGHT want to keep an eye on Step-Mumsie, since she literally took the match last year as an opportunity to work with Eden and Baal and take down her own captain, the Harvester, so...ya know...mind the craxy. And Zane is...well...perhaps he’ll buy his way into the championship round again? Because lets be honest, here: I expect my Beloved to outlast the team, and even perhaps Step-Mumsie if she axly cares, but Zane? Being able to Outlast Vain? Or a properly-motivated TRoberts? He’ll need to spend those Global Dollars he’s been accumulating through the many MANY Ls he’s taken this year. I mean, there have been a TON, right? And that loser’s purse doesn’t net you much, but you can buy a car if you pick up enough pennies, right?
Anyway, the POINT of all of this is that Johnny’s team-making skills are admirable and he will KINDA find victory, if indirectly. But just like how Grumpy was just kinda one of the dwarves who was THERE at the scene when the Queen took her fall off the cliff but didn’t axly cause her to FALL. So, sure, he’ll get credit for his team advancing, as I detailed before, but his main charge? Hide, himself? No way, man. Because he’s too influenced and dependent upon a man whose best years were when I was still at Lacklanland Middle School. The Hitmaker may have found himself in a place of power for the time being, but like his charge of Grumpy, he will be far outshone by everyone on his team, even the comic relief of Dopie Zane.
~~Outside the parks~~
Hide is halfway through the line. He’s still hungry. He wishes he had brought some pencils.
SEBIII is inside the home decor store and hitting on just about every woman he sees. And a few men. He is SO glad Tasha isn’t there.
Rydell buys a churro. No one wants to share it. He’s happy with that.
Zane and Gabby are in a pitched bowling battle. Both are lathered in sweat. Shit is getting real.
T-Robb can’t stop utilizing his extensive curse word collection as security has called for backup due to Fear’s refusal to get rid of his own face. He has begun to tear them down with words so big that they do not understand them.
They had to send a second tram to pick up all the people who Raab puked on.
Kate has sent in several videos of her having fun while riding Ghost Rider and Montezuma's Revenge to show that, yes, she IS good at going to amusement parks. Just other ones.
Now, I KNOW that Sebby axly sees himself as Prince Charming, or perhaps he busts out a French accent and goes with Gaston, and those ARE good choices. Well, if you only scratch the surface, anyway. Because yes! He’s pretty and charming. Yes! He’s tall and strong. And five Global Dollars says that no one expectorates as well as he . But, again, that is only scratching the surface, ya know? You have to dig deep if you want to dominate the world of wrestling, you have to pull back the layers to see what is underneath. And since I’m so good at that, I know the truth fo the matter:
Seb-Troi is Doctor Facilier.
Villain in the criminally underrated Princess and the Frog (GOOOooooooooOOOOO TIANA AND CHARLOTTE SHIPS!), the witch doctor has a TON of power. Dude is smooth as FLAME, has a KILLER song, momentarily is in charge of basically the whole damn town, and is voiced by freakin’ Goliath! But, and here’s the kicker, all of that power and influence is based upon illusion. Its based upon nothing REAL. And it only takes a strong-willed woman, or frog, for that matter, to shatter the Shadow Man’s control. And that is perhaps the most striking similarity between Sebward and Facilier:
He’s a second-tier villain.
Yes yes, he’s talented. There’s no denying that! He takes people to Suplex Kingdom (see what I did there?), he’s as smooth a talker as anyone this side of Vain, and he has spent the majority of his short time in the Coalition either winning or being super duper close to it. He’s unstoppable! Well, I mean, if you discount the fact that he’s only struck gold one time out of the four he’s gone for a championship. And if you discount the fact that Sloane gobbles up all the shine when they stand next to one another. AND if you discount the fact that he wins most of his matches by lulling his opponents to sleep by his unending blather. And I suppose THAT is the thing which makes him MOST like Facilier: Once the illusion filled with honeyed words is broken, we see him for who he is. We see him for a “villain” who pales in comparison to the monsters of UGWC’s past. We see someone who has less smoothness than the aforementioned Wallace. We see the “plus one” that the WrestleStock Cup winner takes to parties.
That all being said, I FULLY expect to see Seb-Tres in the finals with me. In fact, I expect to see his entire team! I know that people have heaped praise on him for amassing such a group of badassary as rarely seen before, but getting Angie was luck, considering that other idiotic captains passed on her while she was available. Picking Slaone in the first round was, of course, the worst-kept secret this side of Baal taking Eden last year. And the surprise of Lucy? Well, lets just say that I’m happy she can’t eliminate me from the opening round for a third year in a row!
I look forward to seeing Facilier in the second half of the evening on Monday. I just hope that enough audience members will be awake to see me beat him after having to sit through another one of his promotional videos which threaten to have a shittier pace than even Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Honestly, that whole “OMG here’s the Enterprise barely moving for ten seconds straight...for the FIFTH time in the movie!” dealio is basically one third of those “masterpieces” offered up by one half of our current Cooperative Champions. Good thing he’s facing that shit team T-Pie put together!
~~Inside the parks~~
Sloane has ridden Peter Pan three times, with the third time being when she pushed a few kids out of the way so that she could get the pirate ship.
Lucky has DOUBLED his pin count, including getting that super rare “Tiana making out with Charlotte” pin that was made “on accident,” and he now clings! and clangs! as he walks like he’s wearing chainmail.
Bauer still hasn’t had anyone come and claim him.
Donovan shouts in TRIUMPH as the Buzz Lightyear ride breaks down RIGHT when he is at the final room and at the perfect angle for hitting that target at the top of the wall behind Giant Zurg. Unfortunately for him, Lucy’s pod is stopped right in front of that first smaller Zurg, the one with a MASSIVE bonus for the target on his chest that no one knows about.
The Captain has used the Mark Twain to sink the Columbia. We don’t know how.
Children still run from LACKLAN and someone has given her one of those hats that give you Maleficent’s horns. She remains pleased.
Sarah has been bitching about all of the “sluts” parading around in the SoCal sun without any clothes on and a disbelieving Kenzi points out how half of Sar’s #SquatBooty hangs out of her shorts and her top makes it clear that she is a high-ranking member of the #FreeTheNipple movement. Sarah’s face is the picture of innocence.
Lisa conveniently disappeared as they passed by a Pixar Meet and Greet.
We stopped paying attention to Roxy but more on that later.
Angie has taken the Hasting Girls through the line at Ghirardelli’s seven times for the free sample square of chocolate.
Vain has swept the floor with Pierce at literally every game on the Boardwalk. But then Pierce reminds him of that ONE FREAKIN’ TIME he beat him and Vain’s vanity takes over and they have to play another game.
Jet is somehow further back in line than he started.
iPhone: Yes, your Royal Hotness?
Me: If you were a shitty German dude with next to zero momentum, redeeming about skills or talent, and the literal worst record as a professional wrestler in the history of the business, what Disney character would YOU be?
iPhone: Does not compute
Me: Yeah, I agree. Literally ZERO heroes OR villains are ANYTHING like this total shitbag filled with pathetic excuse after pathetic excuse that I have to deal with. I mean, like, he’s not even on par with ANY featured character...not even in a sequel! Hell, even some third-tiered villain like Poltergeist Pat in a random Vampirina episode on Disney Junior is above his station! Hmmmm….Hey, Alexa?
iPhone: Yes, Cream in Kenzi’s Coffee?
Me: What is the SHITTIEST, most WORTHLESS, most MINDNUMBINGLY BAD side character has there ever been in a Disney film?
iPhone:
And THAT, Baby Birds, is how I got to Raab. See, Flounder is the WORST. All he does is swim around Ariel and soak up her shine, probs filling out that “I’ve got a loser friend from when I was a kid that I’m not mean or honest enough to tell to kick rocks” position, and get literally NOTHING done. He doesn't fight. He doesn’t help make decisions. He doesn’t help with Ariel’s quest for acceptance in the human work or creating an alliance between that word and her merfolk realm. ALL of that is either handled by Sebastian, Prince Eric, or the protagonist herself. Flounder is just some fat fish who was used as a marketing ploy for toys and offers absolutely NOTHING else to the entire movie. And if ANYONE in this company, perhaps even this BUSINESS, can be said to be floundering, its freakin’ RAAAAAAAB.
Know what’s funny about that? About “RAAAAAAB?” The SINGLE most INTERESTING thing that has EVER had to do with Raab is a drunken Angie realizing that if you hold out the A and say “RAAAAAAAAB” the jobbers name kinda sounds like the sound of a vuvuzela. Sers legit, the ONLY things that ANYONE ever remembers about Raab are because of me and my friends. For instance, we like bringing up that whole puking thing, right? Because it was as gross and unnecessary as Roxy’s Captain adventure, yeah? And just like how we love to give HER shit for that ill-advised moment, we do the same for him. And he gets all kinds of mad at me! Wonder why he doesn’t get mad at me for constantly bringing up (the one) positive thing like four hour sexathons? Guess that would take a level of consistency that Raab just can’t even fathom, much less handle.
But if Raab should be mad at me for anything, if he is going to be mad about being Sarah’d (its a thing) about the puking thing, he really SHOULD be mad about how shit I had to say about him over a YEAR AGO still applies! All the stuff I said about him when he and Deimos were going after the 5’2” Mafia’s Cooperative gold? About how he wasn’t EVER prepared for his matches no matter HOW much time he spent away doing “mental training” going into them? That shit still applies! Over a fucking year later and NOTHING about the idiot has changed!
“BUT SARAH! HE HAS FOUGHT IN CHA-”
Fuck outta here with that nonsense. Listen, I GET that just about everyone in the company is jumping on the Raab Train and talking about how much better he has gotten over the months. I get it! But that is BULLSHIT! Everyone is afraid to admit the truth, and I don’t even know why, but I’m not! I’m that kid in school who rose their hand and asked, once called upon, “Um...isn’t this all...ya know...fucking stupid and useless?” And so I will NOT be afraid to say that about Raab.
Lo! Watch as Raab tirelessly puts himself through the paces of new matchtypes yet STILL wins less than a quarter of his matches.
Lo! Watch as Raab pushes himself and grows and goes on a MASSIVE four match win streak...but those wins were literally ove the WORST of the company in Gabby and Kate, as well as being DRAGGED to a victory by SLEBBY.
Lo! At least he didn’t puke in the Cuties hair!
Lo! He’s so shitty that he doesn’t even deserve a full set of Lo!s
And that team of his?
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
NBK...who MAY do something at least passable…
Kate...who is too busy crying on that beach to remember what relevancy is…
Jet...who MAY be able to get past...um….Lucky? Maybe?
I mean, Ol’ Flounder here doesn’t have the WORST team in the history of Outlast (that’s Team Gabby!) but holy FUCK are they trying to give them a run for their money!
~~Finale~~
No one ever, EVER found NBK the entire time. Guess he rolled a 20 on his Ninja.
It took three hours to clean up Raab’s mess.
Gabby bowled THREE perfect games by the end of the day, because she knows all ABOUT how to slide things right down the middle. And because there had to be SOME sex joke in here. Zane hopes that this can finally be the loss that propels him to the World’s Championship.
Sebward smiled warmly when he got back in his car. Until he opened is phone and found 2456 texts from his fiance. Welp, it HAD been a wonderful day.
No one ever bothered to pick up Bauer.
Tom Sawyer Island is now owned by Captain 80’s.
Security ended up arresting Deimos. They didn’t bother arresting TRoberts, though. But its okay. He’s used to no one wanting him.
Kenzi ended up “getting lucky” with Elsa in a broom closet in the special Frozen meet and greet area. That will make sense in a bit.
Speaking of, Lucky successfully hid away his new trading pin treasures with his Tigger motorcycle jacket before the rest of the DMW picked him up. His secret was safe.
Donovan set an all new personal record for Astro Blasters with 849340 points. Unfortunately for him, Lucy maxed out the game with 999999. But his girls showed up to cheer him up.
Vain ended up winning every single stuffed animal available at the Boardwalk. He left all of them there. Children attacked them with much vigor and somehow Pierce was able to take the credit. All was right with the world.
Sarah was mistaken for the newest cast member to play Elsa. Her response when asked if she was supposed to be in the back getting into her dress and makeup was simply, “Yes. Yes I am.”
Kate got kicked out of Knotts. Not even Snoopy wanted her.
Hide was THIS GODDAMN CLOSE to getting a beignet when Johnny came rushing in and yelling and screaming and in general being a dick. By the time Hide turned around, the shop was closed.
Both Roxy and Angie went missing. The former was met with shrugs, the latter with promises to keep an eye out for her.
Dave somehow ended up at O’Malleys.
Jet is still in line for the Incredicoaster.
But he’s not alone, because Sloane hid in a trash can so that she could ride Snow White for the 5th time after hours.
Lisa, badass hardcore champion extraordinaire, the secret weapon on the team with a super long name, basically turned into a little doe-eyed girl in the face of Merida. Yes, she would be Brave. She would be Brave for Merida. She trembled when she got her hug and autograph.
Bordy now has Maleficent’s scepter. She is pleased.
* * * * * * * * * *
Epilogue
This ranked as a Top Five day in Sarah’s life. Mistaken for the newest Elsa hire, she had found herself backstage where only cast members could go, crammed into Elsa’s dress, had a light touch of makeup to accentuate her already pale skin, a pair of her blue contacts to hide the red, and her platinum hair woven into a thick braid. All day long, she met children...beautiful children...in the center of the Animation Studio alongside a handful of Annas. She refused to take any breaks for fear of losing even a single moment of this bliss. She was at home. She was herself. Hell, she even got lucky! Kenzi had wandered into the room, looking for her “lost” wife, and seen her in her getup. The flush in Kenzi’s cheeks, that distinct shade of purple she turned with either aroused or angry...and often both, when it concerned the more troublesome Mrs. Grey-Lacklan, was all Sarah needed to see to both ask for a quick break to find some broom closet or something as soon as possible, AND to make a mental note in her journal to requisition an Elsa costume or two for the bedroom. In fact, she-
Sarah smiles as the door opens and the next Anna comes out to join her. This one seemed taller than the rest, in fact quite a bit so, and-
Her eyes go wide.
“Ang?”
Anna stops short and familiar blue eyes open wide, as well.
“Sar-Sar?”
The two squeal a bit and come together in a hug.
“What are you doing here?” asks Sarah as she pulls on one of “Anna’s" brown braids, the wig shifting with the tub. Angie smiles down at her friend with a mouth full of teeth.
“Someone thought I was Anna! And before I knew it, I was in this dress and totes Anna! Isn’t it totes coolio?”
Sarah’s face falls as Angie tells her tale.
“You...they thought...but I…”
“Well, first they totes thought I was Aurora, which is tabs the obvs choice. I mean, I’m so sers legit Aurora that my agent, you know her, she axly had to turn down the role and they let it go to that one short girl. N-E-Ways, yeah, first they thought I was Aurora but THEN they thought I was Anna and-”
“GODDAMNIT!”
Angie’s face recoils as if slapped as Sar screams. The pale face had gone from the cherub’s rose and fallen to hurt, and now had contorted in the devil’s rage.
“Why is it ALWAYS about YOU, Angie?! This was MY THING! MINE! Why do you ALWAYS have to make it about YOU?!”
Angie tries to get in a word but is unable to do more than stammer in the face of her friend’s rage.
“WHY...oh WHY...is it ALWAYS ANGIE, ANGIE, ANGIE?!”
Sarah stomps her foot into the ground several times, once for each screamed word, and turns away from her friend.
“Sar, I-”
Sarah cuts her off with a raised finger as her eyes move back and forth in a rapid succession.
“Everything you have, Angie? Everything? EV-ER-Y-THING. Is because of ME!”
She turns to face Angie again and wetness pushes out of the side of the contact lenses in her eyes.
“What would the world be like, huh? What would have happened if I had not LET you win that battle royal? What would have happened if I had not HANDED you that title shot? What would have happened if I had not PUSHED you to win that match? You know what would have happened? My Beloved and I would STILL be the Cooperative Champions and YOU would still be at the BOTTOM OF THE CARD and begging for the SCRAPS that Necron left of Ava! YOU would NEVER have become World Champion! You would have NEVER become a Grand Slam winner. But no. NO! It just HAD to be about YOU, didn’t it?! DIDN’T IT?!”
Angie is silent in the assault of Sarah. Over a year’s worth of pain and frustration stemming from losing the Cooperative Championships to Team Angell bursting from the bottle as if corked for too long. The lines on Sarah’s face, deep lines of worry etched deep far before they should have, catch the light of the room to cast shadows upon her visage.
“And ANOTHER thing! I-”
She cuts off as the door leading to the guest area opens.
“Um...I’m sorry...I know its late, but I really wanted to see you guys. I’m a huge f-”
Roxy Cotton cuts off as the eyes of the little girl give way to the adult and she recognizes the faces of Anna and Elsa.
“Ang? Sar? What are-”
“YOU!”
Sarah’s voice is full of a disgusted growl as she turns her finger to Roxy.
“YOU are even WORSE than SHE is!”
Roxy blinks in confusion as Sarah stomps towards her.
“At least people CARED about Angie! They cheered for her! Vied for her! HOPED for her! They LOVED her. They CARED about her. They RESPECTED Vain. They LOVED Lucy. They even tolerated Zane! And that pop for Hastings at Horizons in 2017? MASSIVE. But YOU?”
Sarah shakes her head as she gets up close to Roxy.
“The people don’t CARE that you are champion, Rox. The ONLY person in the whole fucking WORLD who is talking about you being the champion is YOU. We didn’t have a killer afterparty for you because we didn’t want YOU as champ. The media machine doesn’t bother to promo you because THEY don’t care that you’re champ. Not a single person has cashed in any money to fight you because the ROSTER doesn’t care. Hell, the ONLY thing people care about right now are the Cooperative Titles! The titles that YOU could never defend! People are as apathetic about you being champion as you are pathetic at being it!”
She points to Angie.
“I was supposed to be HER, Rox. I was supposed to assemble my team and dethrone HER. But no! NO! The DISGRACE of Grand Slam occured and your delusional bullshit swept over the world and allowed you to take what doesn’t belong to you.”
She gets back in Roxy’s face.
“But that’s going to change, Rox. Because it would be a fucking MIRACLE if your fake ass bullshit got you through Outlast as the champion. The field that is going to be in the championship round this year? We ME in it? With Kenzi in it? With Angie’s entire TEAM in it, like I predict? Bitch, you have ZERO chance of defending that title you don’t deserve to wear.”
She shakes her head.
“And IF you somehow survive? IF you are somehow able to weave a tapestry of lies like you did before and scrape by with the narrowest of margins? If you are able to fall on top of an exhausted Seb or Sloane or Lucy and get the final three?”
Her eyes harden.
“So you and I are clear, Roxy: This isn’t just me flipping the bitch switch for a bit and then we can go out and get ice cream after and make fun of the way Kate smells. This is for real, friend. IF you defy the extreme odds and survive?”
She smiles.
“I have Global Dollars burning a hole in my pocket. And I WILL be challenging for your championship.”
She leans in close.
“Because this is MY destiny, Roxy. My manifest destiny. And I won’t stop until I’m legend.”
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