...a right pissah numbhead!

[cooltubesource]

“Hello, everyone!”

“SARAH!”

“OH EM GEE!”

“PRINCESS!”

“THOSE SLEEVES ARE AMAZINGLY PUFFY”

“ANYONE WHO THINKS PINKIE PIE IS COOL IS A n00b”

“ICANNOTEVENSOMEONESLAPMEAMIDREAMING”

Sarah smiles as the waves of adoration wash over her. Well, through the screen, anyway. Sitting in the office she shares with Kenzi at Dark Goddess Productions, the UGWC World Champion is doing her best to wear her many hats. And while that literally meant a dark green hat with a stiff brim and a blue bow, which naturally matched her dress perfectly, that figuratively meant fulfilling duties for her church.

Her church.

HER church.

“I hope everyone has had a great week! Raise your hand if you read this week’s homework on Isaiah?”

The “Billion $$$ Smile” breaks out onto Sarah’s face as a sea of hands raise up. The room on the other end of the computer screen was filled with children, each properly dressed for a Sunday School lesson. While the majority of the children were typical Lacklanders, meaning light of skin and dark of hair Mainers, there was a variety to skin tones and shapes that pleased her. She claps her hands in true joy before continuing.

“That is wonderful! Isaiah is a GREAT resource when you are doubting yourself! It is full of words about strength, as much in your faith as anything else, and…”

The last few months had seen major changes for Sarah’s relationship to the Path of the Light Church. She was once as stalwart a defender of her father’s sermons as any other...in fact, there were those who believed that she was literally a Messiah for the new age...but much of her connection had changed when she met Kenzi. Her father had told her to find friends from outside of the compound, people who would help her grow as a person, and while she had much difficulty doing that in the beginning, meeting Kenzi had changed much of her world view in a short span of time.

“...there will be times when the world challenges your beliefs. Times when something you see on television contradicts what you have been taught, or what is in the Book, but holding strong to your beliefs, trusting in God’s love, will help you…”

Her father had railed against much of what she would become, which meant that her church was against much of who she was. There had been a LOT of ruffled feathers when Sarah, by then a professional wrestler of her own right, had brought home a fiance that flew in the face of many of the church’s tenants. Sarah’s smile stays wide as she thinks about how many pearls had been clutched, about how many people needed to pull out their wedgies, when Kenzi Grey, star of the new television show Hexx, had been holding her hand as she walked through the doors.

“...but please, dear children, remember that, no matter WHAT anyone says, we must ALWAYS be weary of what we are told. For hundreds of years, the Jews were told that legalism was more important than God’s love, and so strong was their belief in that falsehood, that MANY did not recognize the Christ when he proclaimed himself throughout Matthew. In fact…”

After her father’s death on Easter of 2017, the direction of the Path of the Light Church was as much up to her as anything else. Her old family home in Maine did not become the “compound” until she was ten, but the church itself was founded before she was born, and had only her father for a leader until that moment. She worked to influence much in the way of change within her people, which numbered over three hundred if you counted those who lived out of state, by living by example. She married her fiance, a black woman, inside the very house of worship on her land, pledged herself to Kenzi with promises to God, and blessed by Elaine Martin herself, the first woman who had followed her father all those years ago.

“...and we must, of course, FIGHT for our beliefs. FIGHT for our Word. FIGHT for the belief that wrestling IS God’s favorite sport and how He wants us to honor him through combat, as He loved in the days of Daniel and…”

THAT particular thing had always been difficult for Kenzi to understand, much less swallow! But Sarah had faith in her partner, even when Kenzi herself was conflicted on matters both physical and spiritual. Things had actually been going well when it came to that, especially once they started winning gold together and she could SEE how her people came together, but...well…

Enter her Step-Mumsie.

They had battled the ultra-conservative Frenchwoman on many fronts over the last two years, physical to metaphysical, and she was determined to not let all of their progress be stymied. Ava was the “Mistress of the Manor,” as the title went, but Sarah had her own position of influence. And she was spreading that influence in a cold war of sensibilities with her step-mother and the ghost of her bigoted father, and the ammunition was the children.

“So! Any questions?”

The sea of hands shoot up again and Sarah’s smile is so wide that it hurts her cheeks. She had grown closer to Ava over the last few months, which she knew was somewhat dangerous, but it was necessary. She had needed advice when everything broke down between her and Angelica, and she and Kenzi had been having a fight throughout that time, and Ava had been there. They had many conversations, and while there was still a wide gulf between them in terms of the direction of their church, they were far more in concert now than at any time before. She was taking on responsibilities she did not have before, such as these Sunday School lessons. She wished she could be in person for them, of course, but the reality of living on the West Coast meant the vast majority were remote.

“That is a GREAT question, John! Speaking as a Bible Expert, I can say that…”

She loved answering their questions. Their eyes were full of them! True, a few of them wish she was their “favorite” Youth Pastor Angelica, but they embraced her with aplomb. Most of them had not been born when Sarah was “the Vampire of Lacklanland,” but all of them had heard of the daughter of the preacherman, and her word carried weight. Over the last few weeks, she had answered every single question they had and never shied away from anything. She always, ALWAYS, answered with full honesty, for God loathes liars.

Isn’t it a sin to lay with a woman as you would a man?

“You tell me, child: Could a union, a marriage blessed by God Himself, as beautiful as that of the G-Ls, be anything BUT a holy endeavor?”

Aren’t tattoos a sin?

“When the Book speaks of defacing your body, the are not talking about using inks, which are created by God, by the way. Why, Mrs Grey-Lacklan has a BUNCH of of them all OVER her body. And my THREE tattoos are all in His glory! My Father’s mask-”

He is risen

“-on one shoulder, the very symbol of our church on the other, and my anniversary on...um...next question?”

Aren’t piercings the Devil?

“Oh, please. I have had three holes in each ear since I was ten, and have you SEEN how freakin’ CUTE this spider dangling from my navel is? It’s even covered in diamonds!”

Does God REALLY love wrestling?

Every session, the questions broke down to this question. Whether people wanted to know her perspective on life, or money, or love, or how freakin’ WRONG a certain SOMEONE was about the awesomeness of Twilight Sparkle, the children always found themselves asking about her career. And she always opened with the same thing.

“Without doubt. In fact, let me tell you about…”

Sarah leans back in her chair as the children’s eyes fill with wonder. This was always their favorite part! “Lacklanland,” as she has wittingly branded the Path of the Light compound several years ago at the beginnings of her “marketing genius” antics, was a small society based on the belief that wrestlers were supposed to model the life God wanted for all. Much of one’s standing within the community was based upon your ability to wrestle, and most disputes were solved by impromptu wrestling matches, and more! She enjoyed telling them that, yes, God DID want the world to see wrestlers as they did they ancient warriors, and that, yes, it WAS up to the family, to herself, and Kenzi, and Angelica...and even Shinjiro...to be the guiding light for the world.

She was, after all, THE World’s Champion.

“And THAT is why you can hold onto your faith! Just like Isaiah spoke of, we can be strong in our faith, we can fight both FOR and WITH our faith, and NEVER worry about those who aim to take us down. Take myself, for instance. I am constantly being put upon by children and mongrels seeking to gain glory at my expense, but I NEVER waiver in my faith! I stand up, straight and tall...well, as tall as 5’2” can be, anyway...and not just look them in the eye, but punch them in the nose! And kick them! And, when they REALLY deserve it, knee them straight between the eyes with the Mark of Cain!”

Sarah shudders in delight as the children all burst into cheers far away in Maine.

“Now, what did everyone bring for Show & Tell?”

The scampering to show Sarah what they brought was crazy! And Sarah was delighted to see what the children had to show today. One of them drew a picture of her in the dress she wore when she and Kenzi won the dance contest on their cruise (but with blue eyes, which was going to make Kenzi PISSED; Kenzi HATED when Sarah wore colored contacts); another had an old Creature “Beat ‘em up Buddy” that reminded her of her own from when she was little; a group of tweens made replica UGWC championship belts out of cardboard; one of the girls had a stuffed Baby Giant Spider which looked JUST LIKE Lael; a 4 year old boy had his own dwarf bunny though his was brown; one of the girls brought her favorite album...a signed copy of Vaughnamous Domination...because just about EVERYTHING had to be about ANGIE ANGIE ANGIE...and so many more!

After Show & Tell, Sarah let them in worship songs, including her mother’s favorite, or so she had been told by her father, “Give Me That Old Time Religion,” as well as assigning homework for next week. That lesson would be Part One of a two-part series about Cain’s folly and his wretched time on Earth, perfect for the season! And she ended the way she always did:

“Well then, children! You may now ask ANY question of me you wish! And remember: There are NO foolish questions!”

The sea of hands appears a third time and Sarah points to a boy in the back.

“What’s yer favorite paht about bein’ a wrestlah?”

Sarah’s body fills with warmth. While she herself had worked her entire life to speak with what was thought of as a “high Londoner” accent, or the dialect of the Royal Family, as some would think of it, as a homage to the mother she never met, the vast majority of the Path of the Light Church were as WASPy as one could get! Sarah fondly remembered that first time Kenzi had visited her and how she had needed Sarah to translate much of the Mainer dialogue! Not for the first time, she supposed that was what SHE would sound like, herself, if not for her dogged emphasis on her mother’s tongue.

“Doing so with my family.”

She did not need to even ponder an answer.

“As you all know, I am a second generation wrestler, with my father-”

He is risen

“-before me, and I spent a LOT of time on the road with him, as much as humanly possible! Whether I was a cuttah at his knee-”

Now THERE was a Mainer term she hadn’t used in years!

“-or a teenage valet, or just on the cusp of turning pro and getting my butt kicked by Nikita Dolore, I saw EVERYTHING my father was and knew that I wanted it ALL, whether or not HE wanted me to do and be it. I SAW him be the World Champion. I SAW him get caught up in personal squabbles that waylaid him. I SAW him make impacts with flair and style-”

...yes Johnny, from behind…

“-and I wanted to do it all WITH him! Not just as his valet or assistant or marketing manager, but as his DAUGHTER. Unfortunately, as you all know, that was not to be. The cancer was…”

She trails off, inside growing cold suddenly. She shakes her head and pushes past.

“Um...anyway...I didn’t get to do it with him, but I HAVE been able to do it with the family I never knew I had, or would have! I am not JUST the World Champion, after all, I am the World Champion with a sister that is chomping for a shot! I am the World Champion with a wife who is carrying on the legacy of our House on her own AND being a butthead by joking that SHE also wants a shot! I am the World Champion who is supported BY her family, and that is, without doubt, the BEST part!”

She points to another child, this one a touch older.

“Do ya ‘ave any friends?”

Another smile from the champion.

“Yes! Now, I will not lie to you, as we ALL know that God abhors liars, and say that I have a bunch. Because I do not! Being me...well...being me can be difficult. Thankfully, Mrs G-L is the best friend I could ever hope for. And my NEXT best friend shares my blood. And even then, I have been able to meet new people, like this wonderful girl Sloane who, despite some TERRIBLE takes on cardio, has proven to be an honest soul. I have met strong men who would be great members of the Church, should they find the Path, fellow Pats fans who could stand to eat a sandwich now and again, and all through wrestling!”

She chooses the smallest child next, a dark-skinned girl with glasses much like her own.

“Is that Johnny guy as smelly in real life as he looks on TV?”

Everyone giggles at the question, especially since it came from such a high-pitched voice, and Sarah giggles, as well. She leans in close to her laptop screen, subconsciously encouraging the classroom of children in Maine to do the same, and her odd red eyes shift left and right with a conspiritory flare.

“...worse!”

The children all burst into giggles, and Sarah smiles warmly before waving her hands in dismissal.

“I jest, children! Mr Bonecrusher is not all THAT bad. Well, I mean, he is. Like, he’s just about terrible, ya know? Like, after I put the back of his head basically through the mat at Horizons and gave him his FINAL FINAL defeat? I offered him a congratulatory remark.. He IS an excellent wrestler, after all! He’s just clouded by his own hubris! In fact, you could say that his arrogance has made him a right pissah numbhead!”

To her own surprise, Sarah allowed her accent to drop away for what felt like the first time in years and a true Mainer accent and saying spilled out of her. In response, the children EXPLODED into laughter! They fall atop one another, hands clapping onto knees, feet stomping onto the ground. Sarah’s own abs hurt from her laughter as her hands found her midsection, her fingers unconsciously caressing the tiny details of the spider navel jewelry resting against her stomach under her dress. Kenzi’s Christmas gift was going to be treasured as long as they were alive!

“Please...please…”

Her affected voice returns as she gains control of herself and the children slowly obey.

“That congratulatory remark I gave him? He told me to get lost! To kick rocks! To pound sand! And so it should have been NO surprise when I did NOT offer him any form of empathy when he got into that alleged car accident. And, let us be honest here at all times, I should have been the FIRST person to send him some kind words! In fact the Grey-Lacklan Gayla Foundation makes car accident survivors some of our primary beneficiaries! But I didn’t BOTHER because I KNEW what he would have said! He would have told me to bronze my commiseration!

“But that is what it is, unfortunately. He was a great wrestler who has allowed himself to erode into an eyeroll-inducing blather machine who seems to be hell-bent on ruining the careers of as many people as possible. You see, kiddos, there was a time within this glorious sport where businessmen acted as...well...sports agents, is the best I could compare it to. They would negotiate the contracts and opportunities for various people, and would sometimes entice them to work together, to work towards some general goal of the agent. But in this day of self representation, there really isn’t a place for this type of person, this ‘stable manager,’ if you will. But THIS guy seems to think that there IS a place! And he’s doing his BEST to delude the minds of otherwise smart people! Like my Beloved!”

Sarah shakes her head, and while she seems to have forgotten where she is as her tirade continues, the children hang on every one of her words with rapt attention.

“The worst of which is, of course, Hide Yamazaki. This warrior is TOUGH! Not exactly the smartest wrestler alive, mind you, or even the most wise. Seriously, his perception of what is going on around him is WAY low. But! BUT! When in the right environment, he is nigh unstoppable! In a normal environment...insomuch as the Coalition has, anyway...freakin’ 84% rate...he’s just kinda meh, but when things get crazy? When they get Chaotic? He’s a beast! You guys should have seen him at Battleground a few months ago! He ripped through legends, wannabes, and future hall of famers alike!

“Unfortunately for him, that was because Johnny specifically was NOT there! When unleashed, and untethered, Hide is a true threat, even for the reigning World Champion. But WITH Johnny? And in an environment which does NOT suit his strengths?”

Sarah slowly shakes her head, and then blinks several times as she realizes where she is.

“Hey! Who here likes math?”

One hand slowly raises in the back of the classroom, much to the chagrin of everyone reading this. Sarah claps her hands together in true excitement.

“Wonderful! Now, as you all know, I have been working REALLY HARD at being better at math. It was NOT my best subject, let me tell you, but I absolutely see the value in it as I have gotten older. You all know that one of the tenants of the Path is to understand your opponent better than they know themselves, yes?”

The room full of heads nod.

“Well, I can tell you this super relevant bit of math: Hide is NOT a great singles wrestler. Sure, he did GREAT when he won Battleground, right? And he’s been pretty good in cluster matches the last year or so...there really SHOULD be some kind of multiperson championship, already...AND he’s not TOO bad in the cooperative division, especially when paired up with my Step-Mumsie-”

Bless the Queen Mother.

Sarah cuts off at that en masse interjection from the children. That was new. But for another time. She shakes her head and picks up where she left off.

“...er...but...um...outside of those scenarios? When he’s not in a cluster or teaming up?”

She shrugs her shoulders and pouts her lips.

“Not much better than a coin flip.”

She holds up one of her hands and splays out her fingers.

“Hide Yamazaki has had twelve singles matches in his UGWC career, and he’s only been able to score the victory in seven of them. Now, yes, that’s about seven bajillion times better than Smelly Kate Steel and all, but we’re talking about someone who is fighting in this week’s main event! Against the World Champion! And 58% just isn’t going to cut it! EspECIALLY when you think of who that 58% encompasses! Yes, technically, he has a win over my Beloved, but we ALL know that wasn’t exactly Mrs G-L in the ring...still need to beat her black booty until its purple for making poor Ax get in the ring with that monster...and his other wins? He’s beat Holden a couple of times...that would be the washed up and shitty Holden who couldn’t get his head out of 2016’s ass, mind you, and NOT the one that had a killer run once upon a time...the Gabster...and again, that would be the two-dimensional porn star and NOT the gender-defying badass putting one over on Pierce...freakin’ Rydell, and Raab a couple of times in their approximately six hundred and seventeen contests.

“Now, this matters because it shows that while, yes, Hide HAS the ability to win matches, he does NOT have the ability to win HARD matches! He’s walked to the Loser’s Window whenever facing an upper tier talent, AND also when facing some of those ‘MEH’ peers he has beaten. Heck, he even lost to that McWrestleface guy! And who beat that dude in singles matches? Both me AND Step-Mumsie!”

Bless the Queen Mother.

Sarah chews on her lips at the group speak. Still a matter for another day.

“Now I, on the other hand, EXCEL in singles matches! I mean, sure, everyone knows how I am an EXCELLENT tag team wrestler, especially when paired with my Beloved, but I am nearly as good when going one on one! In fact, its basically an honor to fight me in singles combat, considering how relatively rare that occurrence happens within the Coalition. I’ve won over seventy percent of my singles matches...that’s over twenty percent better than Hide overall-”

...I get that all of your eyes are glazing over, but that one kid in the back is STOKED to have heard that particular nugget...

“-and against MUCH stiffer competition! See, when I lose singles matches, it’s to champions! Its to people like Vain, or Lucy, or Stupid Maggie. And while I certainly have my fair share of victories over dirty, smelly rabble (Hi, Kate!), I have significant and meaningful victories over champions and hall of famers. And that is NOT something that Hide is going to be able to overcome!

“You see kids, me being World Champion isn’t something that happened on accident, and its not something that is going to just sit there in a vacuum. Hide may have won Battleground, but all of his momentum was lost the moment he agreed to let Johnny take his spot at Horizons. But my momentum? Its neverending. I put down Roxy Cotton. I put down Konrad Raab. I put down Johnny Bonecrusher. And while that idiot Rydell thinks he ‘won’ by getting a cheap shot in after I looked him straight in the eyes while adding another giant ‘L’ to his record last week, I’m going to put HIM down at Infinity, too. And after that? I’ll put down the winner of this Globally Global of Global Challenges, whether the winner is Vain, Roberts, some relic they’ll drag out of obscurity, or even my dear sister. Because while Hide just kind of exists from week to week, never moving forward nor backward in between his matches against Raab, I am moving ever forward.”

Sarah sits up straighter in her seat, and her chin raises slightly, making her seem to look down upon the children through the laptop screen.

“I have goals, kiddos. Goals for myself. Goals for the Coalition. Goals for wrestling and the world. The House of Lacklan, and the Path of the Light Church, thinks globally. We think long-term. We think about the entire landscape, and not just the moment in front of us. So while Hide will no doubt find himself in some zany adventure this week, where perhaps Johnny ties up yet another backstage interviewer, or perhaps pulls out some other half-baked failure from his never-ending list of mediocre projects and partners, I will keep my eyes on the future of this very business. I will keep my eyes on what matters. I will keep my eyes on the important numbers, kiddos. Twenty-seven and three hundred, sixty five.”

Somehow even straighter, her face somehow even more haughty.

“I am not just the UGWC World Champion, kiddos. I am THE World Champion. And I have not just success on my mind, but DOMINANCE. True upheaval and change. I have goals, REAL goals, the likes of which an unthinking, reactionary beast such as Hide could never fathom. I plan on two things, two things to change the entire business.”

She smiles suddenly and leans down so that her face takes up the entire camera.

“That is your homework, children. Numbers are very important in the Path. Twenty seven. Three hundred and sixty five. Why are they important? Why do the matter? Do your research. Figure it out. Test time next week!”