In My Hands, Part I: Rock Battle '20

[cooltubesource]

Cool Kids Comics, in association with CTN Magazine, brings you:

UGWC Infinity

HIIIIIILIGHHHHHHHTS!

~A #CoolKids moment before the show, featuring Sarah and Roxy NOT trying to kill one another~

~The Match of the Night, as voted on by the CoolTube subscribers~

~Just about everything else~

~And the MAIN EVENT of the evening~

"Oh come, ON! Did they HAVE to show me falling on my face?!"

Kenzi Grey-Lacklan lets out a deep sigh, a sigh filled with the resignation of several lifetimes, and turns her attention back to the tablet atop the tray table in front of her. Next to her, Sarah waves the copy of CTN Magazine in her hand as if she were Mickey Mouse boasting of swatting three flies in a single blow.

“Honestly, Beloved! I am THE World Champion and of ALL the things they could have included, they showed the progression of satisfaction, to surprise, to shock, to pain that was me falling from atop Thunder’s broad, massive, strong shoulders and to the floor below? The audacity!”

Sarah’s face is currently none of the stages of the progression shown in the frame-by-frame breakdown within the CTN Magazine, the article likely green-lit buy a laughing Maleek Raheem, but is instead in the familiar form of barely-contained rage. The albino’s pale skin (kissed by the virgin moonlight!) is slightly flushed with her anger, and her red eyes (technically, they are colorless and only appear red in the light, technically!) seem to be filled with lines of purple to match the bangs underneath, and the finger that reaches up to adjust her glasses (tipped by perfectly painted little flames on a sea of black lacquer!) “accidentally” happens to be her middle.

“The entire COMPANY is practically BEGGING for me-”

“...us…”

“-US to DRAG them into a new era of relevance, profit, and influence, and YOUR people-”

“...’your people,’ huh?”

“-do THIS kind of stuff and it strips away some of my amazing aura! Our company has SO MANY people in it that are alREADY an embarrassment to wrestling...like people who spit on Old Glory...that there is ZERO NEED to print this FILTH!”

Sarah lets loose the magazine and it flies away.

“Hey!”

Sarah’s eyes open wide behind her glasses at the exclamation.

“Oops! Ma faux pas!”

“...really hate how much French you’re using these days…”

Sarah ignores Kenzi’s remark as she takes in the collateral damage of her flung magazine. First Class on an airplane meant plenty of room, but the offensive magazine still found its way into the side of the head of a kind-looking older woman with grey hair. The champion gives her an apologetic smile as a flight attendant retrieves the magazine and returns it to her. Sarah’s eyes light up in appreciation as the attendant, a pretty woman with dark hair and almond-shaped eyes, returns it with a smile and turns to leave. Sarah jabs her elbow into Kenzi for a moment and gives a jovial whisper.

“Man, that certainly is a wonderful belt, wouldn’t you say, Beloved?”

Kenzi blinks in surprise as she looks up.

“What? What are you-”

Her words trail off as she sees the attendant walk away with a pleasing shape, and then she turns a sideways glance towards Sarah.

“Thought we didn’t ‘Art-4’ anymore?”

Sarah gives her a large wink and another elbow.

“Hey, I am very much aware of why we’re going to Hawai’i for this vacation, Mrs. Yellow Fever.”

Kenzi tosses a section of her braids over her shoulder and gives Sarah one of her infamous “Really? Wow!” looks before turning back to her device. Before long, Sarah finds her fingers tapping on her armrests and her toes (inside my NEW pair of LPA Mules! I bet Eden is WRITHING in jealousy from her cloud!) tap on the floor mat. Kenzi lets out a sigh, closes her tablet, and turns to face Sarah.

“Bored?”

“SO BORED OH EM GEE!”

Sarah throws up her hands, barely avoiding hitting Kenzi, and turns her head up to the sky.

“This flight takes SO FREAKIN’ LONG!”

She brings her arms down and folds them under her breasts...noting, as usual, the quick look Kenzi’s dark eyes gave her fluffed chest for a microsecond before turning them back up to her eyes...and narrows her own eyes.

“We would have literally been on an island YESTERDAY if you didn’t insist on going to Hawai’i.”

Kenzi’s eyes open wide.

“Aw, HELL naw! There was NO WAY I was going to stay on your stupid Snow Island!”

“It wasn’t snowing! Just sleeting. A little.”

“Same thing!”

“Oh, come ON!”

Sarah throws up her hands again and turns her head away from Kenzi, choosing for the moment to look at the aisle. She couldn’t look out the window, of course, because she always made sure Kenzi got the window seat. Bitches love window seats.

“Our island is perfectly fine.”

“Like hell!”

“Its got trees-”

“Palm trees, Babe, not oaks.”

“-and beaches-”

“Filled with rocks, not sand.”

“-and with water-”

“Freezing ass cold Maine water, not warm blue island water.”

“-AND it belongs to the family!”

“Literally another reason I’m not going there.”

Sarah shakes her head and turns back to Kenzi.

“You are incorrigible, Beloved.”

Kenzi narrows her eyes into slits.

“Don’t try hypnotizing me with your fancy white people words! There was NO WAY I was going to spend THREE DAYS with your mother and THEN a week on some frozen rock with a shit-eating grin on my face! When you suggested a vacation with JUST US, no family or friends or work, I thought that was a great idea! Sand! Surf! Bikinis! Ain’t NONE of that in your snowball machine!”

Sarah folds her arms under her breasts again...again noticing the appreciated slip of Kenzi’s lustful eyes...and scowled.

“Whatever.”

After a few more moments of staring, Sarah pulls out her phone, turns on the camera, and pulls up the bottom of her shirt to reveal her pale stomach and the sparkling piece of jewelry hanging from the hole in her naval, the black spider encrusted with diamonds. She smiles with clear mischievous as she twirls the piece around in a full circle, then lowers her shirt and presses a few buttons on her phone. Kenzi's eyebrows raise higher than ever before.

"What are you doing?"

"Sending my baby sister a video."

"Of you playing with your belly button jewelry? Why?!"

"It drives her NUTS!"

She cackles as she sends it to Angie but then quickly grows bored again. She growls and stomps one of her feet. 

“Gah! We’ve been traveling for, like, a week! Without stopping! Hollywood to Boston, Boston to Maine, then this crazy Maine-to-Chicago-to-L.A.-to Hawai’i flight and-”

“Why do you say it that way?”

Sarah cocks on eyebrow as she looks back to Kenzi.

“Hmm?”

“You know what I’m talking about.”

“Literally no idea.”

“Say ‘Hawaii.’”

“Hawai’i.”

“See!”

“Huh?”

“Say ‘Hawaii’ again.”

“Hawai’i.”

“You did it again!”

“Did what?!”

“You pronounce the apostrophe! Like how you over-enunciate the ‘h’ in words!”

“WHatever.”

“GAH!”

DING!

Kenzi and Sarah look up as a sound over the airplane’s P.A. chimes through.

“This is your captain speaking. We are on final approach to Inouye International Airport. Please put up all-”

“THANK GOD!”

Everyone in first class was glad to hear that the strange couple could actually agree on something.

---

~~Greatest Vacay Ever~~

---

The Grey-Lacklans in Hawaii is always a fun experience. Both women had been well-traveled before they met due to them both being the daughters of relative wrestling fame, but they had not found themselves in Hawaii until they did so for a show in the now-defunct Ladies Allstar Wrestling in the summer of 2017. Sarah, the albino who has spent her entire life needing to be weary, perhaps even fearful, of direct sunlight, found a land where the sun shone in a way that did not cause her direct pain, and did not overly offend her sensitive eyes. Likewise, Kenzi found clear waters that she could see into, which naturally lowered her anxiety about swimming. Factor in the interesting anecdote of that this was where they officially met a debuting LAW wrestler whom is now the Globalist of Global Champions, and the fact that all three of them won their matches that weekend (Sarah over some Nordic chick, Kenzi over Rhodes before a most delicious meltdown, and Angie over “The Zucchini Warrior” herself, Maria Salvatore), and being there was nearly as important and emotional to them as visits to Japan had become.

In fact, Sarah planned out there entire trip and-

Editor’s Note:

The Grey-Lacklans sent in an excruciatingly long video of their nearly week-long Hawaiian vacation, which detailed just about every moment of their days...including them napping on the beach...as part of their “promotional video material” for the week. After suffering through this unnecessarily large amount of material, we have selected a handful of moments for you to watch so that you, too, do not have to suffer. If we may borrow from Entertainment Professionals Alan Wallace and Aveline Lacklan: You’re welcome, and you can thank us later.

Regards,

-Todd the Intern

P.S.: As per your standing request, we forwarded their romantic evening full of dancing and making out directly to your inbox, Mr. Roberts

- They visited the Volcanoes National Park. Kenzi tried to throw her Scientology books into a lava pit after a blowup online with Roxy, but Sarah surprisingly stopped her at the last moment. Instead, they found another one of those piles of unsold Dave Rydell: The Essential Collection DVDs that UGWC gave away to the poor and tossed those in there. No one seemed too upset

- Kenzi jumped a shark (literally, because we all know she’ll eventually do it promotionally!) on skis while wearing a leather jacket like The Fonz. Sarah smiled and applauded from the beach while having zero clue who “The Fonz” was

- They spent an entire afternoon walking around while wearing their respective UGWC Championship Title, took a LOT of pictures with fans, and signed every autograph with #AndStill. They asked everyone to post them on their preferred social media outlet and to tag redfusion _ugwc and @eye_am_tempest, just in case they forgot

- They ate at a Zippy’s at least once a day (which is part of the contract for being allowed off the plane into Hawaii, as everyone knows), and they at a SHIT TON of SPAM while doing so

- They visited the monument at Pearl Harbor. Kenzi spent the entire time trying to find the one dedicated to her “Dad” that once “Suplexed a ton of Nazi tanks” and Sarah sighed and rolled her eyes a lot. She wasn't sure if Kenzi actually thought that The Thunder was her father or if it was just another bit.

- They got into “spirited discourse” Round Sixteen over YOUR Cutie vs. THE Cutie. The dispute continues to be unresolved

- This same "discussion" somehow turned into whether or not the Cuteness Factor of XWF wrestling talent Atara Themis was higher than that of the most recent WrestleStock Cup. Yeah, we don't get their relationship, either

- Another bit of “spirited discourse” that found its way on social media over Kenzi’s “career clock” ticking as hard and loud as Sarah’s biological clock a couple of years ago

- There was a LOT of snickering and giggling like a pair of 12-year-olds over them making sure that the other "got lei'd" 

- They ran on the beach barefoot every morning as cardio, which included Sarah routinely sending a picture of the two of them through the Digital Pigeon Network to Sloane Taylor with the caption: None of that done flippy shit here, biatch!

- To the disgust of family member Angie Vaughn, they evolved their "Art4" game into "Art4 ver 2.0" which basically meant posting risque pictures of one another willy-nilly.

- Since this was somewhat of a last-minute location decision (see above conversation), they didn't actually have any lodgings. Outside of the final night (mentioned below), they deal with not having a hotel room by sleeping on the beach, eating from the sea, and otherwise being overwhelmingly attractive and charismatic bums. Which meant that they blended in with the vast majority of the locals without problem. 

- They engaged in a week-long "spirited discourse" which broke down this way:

Sarah: The sun doesn't hurt me, you like the water, the food is amazing, the coffee is to die for OMG WHY DON'T WE LIVE HERE?!

Kenzi: *lists off 1000 perfectly practical reasons which include how much it costs, the fact that they wrestle in Chicago, own a production studio in Hollywood and often shoot in New York*

Sarah: *doesn't listen*

Kenzi: *points out that literally none of their family live in Hawaii*

Sarah: *does her dumb "First of all" bit*

Kenzi: *does her "Victory Dance"*

Editor’s Note:

We would like to now go back into the actual video. We had anticipated not including any of their special Valentine's Day Luau, as we had assumed this would simply be more footage to send directly to Mr. Roberts, but it turns out that this "absolutely ZERO fucking work!" vacation included what was to be actual promotional material. The Valentine's Luau concluded a very special performance by the Grey-Lacklans for the crowd, as they engaged in their 4th Annual Rock Battle, a karaoke competition the two have had between one another since 2017. And while Kenzi's song choices were within the normal spirit of the event, it turns out that Sarah's artistic decisions were focused on her upcoming match.

Regards,

-Todd the Intern

---

~~Rock Battle '20~~

---

Kenzi's opening number was "Nights in White Satin," by the Moody Blues, a song which, quite frankly, everyone was surprised she knew in the first place. People in the know could smell the influence of the "judge" for the inaugural Rock Battle, Griffin "I Lost A Bet" Hawkins. And while Kenzi's performance of the folksy tune was pleasing, everyone was shocked by the explosion of electric guitars that preceded Sarah's first entrance: She had teased out her platinum hair to the point of hilarity, and wore shredded black and pink jeans tighter than Dee Snider ever dared to do.

---

"Raab Fuckin' Sucks!" to the tune of "I Wanna Rock!" by Twisted Sister





Raab fuckin’ sucks! (Sucks!)

“Try to lose,” you say
But all I got to say to you time and time again I say WIN!
WIN! WIN! WIN!

Tell me not to win!
Well, all I got to say to when you tell me not to win I say WIN!
WIN! WIN! WIN!

So, if you ask me why I like to win my matches
There’s only one thing I can say to losers…

Raab fuckin’ sucks! (Sucks!)

Raab fuckin’ sucks!
Raab fuckin’ sucks!

There's a feelin' that
He gets from nothin' else and there ain’t nothing’ in the world that makes him go!
Lose! Lose-lose! Lose!

Turn the loses up
He’s waited for so long to lose again to the Red Queen, so let’s go!
Loser! Loser!! Raab!!!

When its like this I feel the spirit shootin’ through me
There's nothin' else that I would rather do

Then BEAT UP RAAB! (RAAB!)

Raab fuckin’ sucks!

"When Doves Cry" is a wonderful song by a masterful songwriter, the late Prince, and a wonderful inside joke for those who know the wide cast of characters surrounding the G-Ls, and Kenzi was able to gather up some purple satin scarves for the performance. But Sarah was not about to be undone, and when she returned, had somehow mastered getting her teased hair into one of the intricate braids she wears to the ring, as well as a t-shirt and Kenzi's leather jacket, for this performance showcasing her surprisingly decent guitar skills:

"Hey There Konrad Raab" to the tune of "Hey There Delilah" by The Plain White T's

Hey there Konrad Raab
What’s it like in Loser City
I’m a bajillion miles away
And, dude, Monday you’ll look so shitty
Yes, you will
Chi-Town can’t suck as much as you
That’s right, you do

Hey there Konrad Raab
Don’t even try to go the distance
I’ll be there to make you tap out
Blame Johnny for the Pigeon Wing
Tap your hand
Listen to the crowd, and just give up
You have no chance

Oh, just tap out to me!
Oh...just tap out to me…

Ohhhhh, Konrad give uuuu-upppp
Oh ohhhh...you have no chance

You have no chaaaaance

Kenzi shocked the audience by jumping up and down and waving her braids about as electric guitars played, especially coming after one of the prettiest songs in the history of music, with her rendition of Manson's Fight Song. After that, Sarah arrived again, still wearing the black jeans, (one of only two pairs of jeans she owns in her vast clothing collection) but switched the shirt and jacked for a loosely-button white dress shirt...which, to Kenzi's consternation, once again confirmed the membership of the #FreeTheNipple movement...in a Rule 63 John Mellencamp. This turned out to be the audience participation moment of the evening as literally no one could not pump their fists with the chorus.

"RAAB in the USA!" to the tune of "ROCK in the USA!" by John Mellencamp


He came from die Städte
And he came from die Ortshaft
Beat up man with shitty moves
Goin’ Snap! Tap! Pin!

R.A.A.B. in the U.S.A!
R.A.A.B. in the U.S.A!
R.A.A.B. in the U.S.A!

Yeah, yeah

Raabin’ in the U.S.A!

Said goodbye to his Ehefrau
Said goodbye to his Kinder
With pipe dreams in his head
Of winning even one match that matters

Some are close and some are not
Ain’t no chance to see the Winner's Window tonight
Not even sweet old Levene
gives him a chance to win, he’s

Raabin’ in the U.S.A!

Kenzi's finale was decidedly METAL, as she channeled her Inner Moracchiolo and busted out a song which...well...basically explained how she went from "not being into girls" to being forever committed to one, with "I Kissed a Girl." And Sarah's return volley was...well...

Let's be honest here: In a world where Sarah's World Championship-winning Outlast promotional video is both canon AND not canon in that weird way, her dressing up as Elsa for the final blow-away is no surprise. And as usual, Kenzi's heart thumped in her chest at the sight of her favorite Disney Princess come to life in her partner!

"Konrad stay on Chill" to the tune of "Into the Unknown" from Disney's Frozen II

Konrad, stay on Chiiiiiiiill!
Konrad, stay on ChIIII-iiiiiill!
Konrad, stay on ChIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLL!!

I can sell you, but I won’t
Some are positive, but Lacklans aren’t
There’s a bajillion reasons I can list about this win
And ignore your features which I think are just trash
Oh yeah….

You’re not a winner, you’re just a loser in my ring
And if I push you, which I won’t, I’m winning anyway
Everyone I’ve ever beat is crying in these halls
I’m sorry, Konrad Black Ice, but I’m jobbing out your dreams
I’m THE World Champion, I don’t need more jobbers,
I’m afraid you’re going to quit, so please listen here:

Konrad, stay on Chiiiiiiiill!
Konrad, stay on ChIIII-iiiiiill!
Konrad, stay on ChIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLL!!

---

~~Finale - To answer the question~~

---

Sarah and Kenzi giggle as they bump into the wall attached to their hotel room door. Sarah was still dressed in the long blue and silver robes of Elsa, though her top had clearly been pulled down to show pale white mounds of cleavage, and Kenzi’s own top was askew. The giggles from the two showed that they had drunk their fair share of mai tais at the luau, and not nearly enough of the wonderful smoked pork to soak up the alcohol, as did Sarah’s inability to get the key into the lock on the door. Kenzi’s brown eyes fill with fire as she takes Sarah’s hands and helps her put the key into the slot.

“Gonna put something in,” slurs Kenzi, the fire in her eyes burning down into her throat. In responses, Sarah’s pale cheeks flush nearly as deep as her eyes, and she hurriedly pulls the door open. The two spill into the room, their hands already working to pull at clothing, when a soft sound pierces their ears with a sharp intensity.

“Anō.”

The girls both straighten with a start and turn towards the innards of the room. Kenzi’s chocolate eyes, clouded with drink, blink in confusion, but Sarah’s widen and clear with sudden sobriety.

“...the Miko…”

Standing at the foot of the king-sized bed in the coastal room is a middle-aged Japanese woman wearing the red and white robes of a temple priestess, including an odd purple hakama. Her hair, black as pitch with scattered lines of grey, is pulled up into a bun and held in place by two long metal sticks and adorned with a bow which matches the hakama. Beside her, looming like a mountain reaching high into the sky with large arms folded across his chest, is a Japanese man with bright blonde hair falling to his shoulders and a pair of dark sunglasses on his face.

Nori Nakama and her son Shinjiro.

“You stink of drink, child.”

Sarah stiffens at the rebuke and the red in her cheeks changes from lust to shame. Next to her, Kenzi shakes her head...slowly, as to avoid making her eyes hurt...and points at the large man when the cobwebs clear.

“The fuck are YOU doing here?”

A hiss of admonishment slips out of Sarah’s mouth as the miko’s black eyes turn slightly to take in Kenzi.

“...language, Wife…”

Kenzi’s eyes bug out as she turns to Sarah.

“Excuse you?!”

“Beloved, please, this is-”

“Oh, I KNOW who this is.”

She points back at the large man.

“‘Sup, bro?”

Shinjiro does not move a muscle and Kenzi shrugs her shoulders. She then points at the miko and raises an eyebrow at Sarah.

“Who dis bitch?”

Sarah stiffens even more and her eyes go wider.

“Be-LOVE-ed! Language!”

Kenzi’s face begins to slacken into confusion and Sarah turns so that the wave of her arm can take in the woman.

“This is Nori Nakama. I did not get the chance to intro-”

“Oh, Dad’s first Baby Mama?”

Sarah sputters in shocked indignation as Kenzi turns back to the miko.

“‘Sup, ‘Mom.’”

As Sarah continues to sputter, Nori stands silently, her face severe. Her eyes move back and forth between the two girls for a moment, taking in Sarah’s apopoplectic reaction, and Kenzi’s defiant features. She finally settles on Sarah and gives a small nod.

“I would speak with you, child. Alone.”

Sarah’s failed objections fall away and she gives the miko a small nod. Kenzi throws back her braids as she turns back to Sarah.

“I hate how you are with them, Sar! Where’s my Firestarter?!”

Sarah shoots Kenzi a heated look.

“Propriety, Wife. Please.”

Kenzi points a finger in Sarah’s face, the effect only somewhat lessened by her swearing caused by the drink.

“You ‘wife’ me one more time…”

Her voice trails off as she sees the look of pleading in Sarah’s eyes. She lets out a long sigh as she tosses her braids over her shoulder again and turns to look at the mountain of a man.

“C’mon, Bro. You play dominoes?”

Shinjiro turns his head slightly down towards Nori, and the woman gives a small nod. He unfolds his arms and walks forward, following the lead of Kenzi, and the two head to the other side of the room to give Nori and Sarah a semblance of privacy. After a few moments, moments filled with Sarah doing her best to fight the desire to twist the spider jewelry resting on her stomach out of nervousness, the Japanese woman speaks.

“The two of you do not seem to care much for privacy. The entire world knows of your whereabouts, should they wish to know.”

Sarah gives a small shrug of her shoulders, but then a small smile comes to her.

“We live very public lives, Ma’am. We thrive in the challenge of it.”

The woman waits several moments to respond, her dark eyes taking in every small movement of Sarah’s body.

“I have come to check up on you. To see how you have progressed answering my question.”

Sarah blinks a few times.

“Question, Ma’am?”

“What have you done for your faith?”

“Oh!”

Sarah smiles wide, all billion of the dollars’ worth shining in the soft light of the room.

“You have NO IDEA how much I have thought over our conversation in December, Ma’am. I admit that, while my faith never wavered, my actions did, but I have been working hard to correct that. I AM the Pillar of Light, Ma’am. I AM His Wrath. And I have endeavored to not only remind my colleagues of this, but to make sure that my family...well, our family, I should say...understand. As such, I have made sure that I am not only THE World Champion...I am not only the DEFENDING World Champion...but I am the REIGNING World Champion. Every night, every moment, every match, matters as if my championship were on the line. None of this silly ‘The Television Show Doesn’t Matter’ nonsense from any of the foolish braggarts who have come before more. The Hammer of God comes down on EVERYONE at ANY time.”

As she speaks, Sarah begins to move her legs, falling into her comforting pace that often accompanies her rants and monologues, the nervousness of being in the presence of “The First” seeming to be forgotten.

“Along with making sure that everyone in my company understands the importance of being the BEST version of themselves for the honor of God, I have endeavored to make sure that everyone ELSE knows, as well. Since my visit with you, I have begun weekly tele-lessons with the beautiful children at the Compound...that would be the houses Daddy had built to house his flock as the Path of the Light grew, in case you didn’t know...it’s a long story, but I branded it ‘Lacklanland’ when I was a teenager...so that not only do they hear the sermons from Mumsie and Elaine...that would be Daddy’s main clergywoman, one of his very first followers after he left your side all those years ago...but also from me, so that they will enjoy a modern perspective on Daddy’s teachings. There are a few...details...minor details...which I disagree with, and I want them to understand them. Additionally, I have begun looking into establishing an actual building in my chosen home of California, a West Coast branch of the Path, if you will, so that I may amplify these teachings. Kenzi grimaces at that...I’ve seen her doodling my face into the body of ‘The Church Lady,’ an old character from a sketch comedy show no one watches anymore...but I have faith she’ll come around eventually.”

“Child.”

Sarah immediately stops in her pacing to regard the miko.

“What disagreements could you possibly have with your father’s teachings of God’s love?”

Sarah’s eyes shoot over to the side of the room. Kenzi was, indeed, attempting to play a game of dominoes with “The Mountain,” but didn’t seem to be getting very far.

“There is no way...NO WAY...that a love as beautiful as ours could EVER be against God’s wishes.”

Her eyes are full of fiery defiance when she returns them to the miko. The woman does not respond, her face stoic, and Sarah feels the need to continue.

“She does not fully understand the Path...I know she will, someday...but Kenzi is as powerful a warrior for what God wants for this world as I am. She is passionate, talented, and if I’m not careful, the person who will take the ‘rock’ away from me. Though, that WOULD be glorious.”

One of the miko’s eyebrows raise, a slight movement on her still face, and Sarah’s mouth again rises into a smile.

“Mumsie gleefully tells of the times she and Daddy fought over THEIR World Championship. She says that the thrashing he gave her was-”

Sarah cuts off and her face flushes as she remembers the world that “Bordy” had used back when they were Ava and Fangs: “Orgasmic.” She gives a rough shake of her head and moves back into her pacing.

“Mind you, the world loses out on Kenzi’s ferocity this week. Her role is to accompany me to the ring, to be my valet, as it were, though I know that she will also be on the lookout for the next person to get a shot at her Chaos Championship, not by merit, but by simply jumping her from behind. What an odd championship. Anyway, it will be I alone in that ring, the REIGNING World Champion, against one of the worst excuses for an elite wrestler there is this side of a Millar family reunion.”

Sarah catches another raised eyebrow from the miko as she spins on her heel and leaps at the opportunity for one of her “bits.”

“Let me tell you about Konrad Raab. Or Black Ice, since he’s got this deluded idea that just letting out a series of swear words while wearing a mask constitutes a promotional video. Honestly, if I may, allow me this moment to give you literally every single ‘Black Ice’ promo we’ve ever seen:”

She stops in her tracks, rolls out her shoulders, opens her throat and drops her jaw, and employs her marvelous mimicry skills:

“Mother fuck bitch lying cunt gonna slit your through and shit in your stomach you lying whore cunt bitch Sarah stop lying fucking whore.”

As Sarah straightens and rubs her throat, the reality of what she just said in front of a temple miko dawns on her, and her face reddens to the level of her eyes.

“Oh my God, I am SO sorry, Ma’am. I...I…”

She shakes her head and goes back into her pacing, hoping that the atypical profanity-laced Black Ice promo will be forgiven.

“The man has the WORST record you will ever see, and-”

“No statistics, Child.”

Sarah stops suddenly and turns to face the miko again.

“Pardon?”

Nori shakes her head slowly.

“Your Father appreciated history, Child. He taught it. But your instance on statistics is...well...is Aveline’s influence, I would wager.”

Sarah’s face again turns beat red. After a moment, Nori gives a small nod.

“One statistic, Child. One only!”

Sarah’s face turns to sheer panic at the thought of only using one single statistic. Her heart races. Beads of sweat break out on her forehead. Her Elsa costume suddenly seems too tight. Her right hand goes to her stomach and unconsciously twists the spider. But after a moment, lets out a slow breath and the Blood Princess returns.

“His inability to learn from his own mistakes, mistakes garnered over a lifetime have mediocre performances with mediocre skills, has netted him one of the worst records in Coalition history. Of the 225 people who have had a match in the last ten years, 37 people have had at least 50 matches, and of THAT 37, Konrad Raab is with the Top Ten WORST records of all time, winning only about a third of his matches. What this means is that, regardless of what KIND of match he is in, regardless of the stakes, he is TERRIBLE at actually succeeding. Main Events? He loses. Title Matches? He loses. Midcard clusters? He loses. Cooperative matches? He loses...well, unless he has a Lacklan with him to pull him by the nose. Opening matches? He loses. The only way he can ever EVER win on a consistent basis is by facing the very dregs of our business, those who routinely sell squash on the street corner. He’s the kind of person that, no matter WHAT he thinks going in, no matter HOW he feels about his abilities, the likelihood that he is able to defeat someone at MY level, in a SINGLES match for that matter, is on the level of a member of the Dungeon of Pain.”

She pauses and a small smile comes to Nori’s face.

“Now, tell me something positive about him, Child.”

Sarah blinks.

And blinks.

And blinks.

“Pardon?”

The miko’s smile fades.

“Positive, Child! Any foolish little girl can be mean. Be constructive. What is GOOD about your opponent.”

More blinks.

“I mean”

More

“How”

MORE

“You can’t be serious.”

The miko takes in a deep breath and lets it out.

“The Path is for thinkers, Child. If you truly wish to be the force of change in this world, you will need to be able to think critically. You wish to offer negatives? Offer as many positives. Now.”

Sarah’s shoulders slump at this monumental challenge: Be positive about Konrad Raab’s career of nothing. An eternity passes before a small sound escapes her lips.

“He’s insanely strong.”

Nori’s face remains stoic but Sarah continues.

“He never seems to be in position to truly use his power, but I have seen it. An old term in the business for it is ‘Mongo Strength.’ I bet, should he apply himself, he would be able to even pick up Thunder with ease. And with that strength comes power. I have seen him suplex people onto their neck with enough force to knock them unconscious long enough for him to pick up a win with a pinning combination. Much of my style is about reversing, breaking down joints, and seizing opportunities, as just about every man I wrestle is bigger and stronger than me, but I am well aware that, should he catch me unaware, he could drive my head through the mat.”

Nori gives a deep nod.

“Good, Child. You may be negative again.”

“Thank GOD!”

A chill overtakes her body as if she had been overwhelmed with revulsion.

“Don’t EVEN get me started on this Black Ice nonsense!”

The pacing begins anew.

“He has next to zero ability to actually win matches, right? And that happens in sports all the TIME! People are good at getting a lead, or lasting, or surviving, but then they aren’t good a FINISHING. THAT is a real problem for Raab. For all of our jokes over his epic love-making skills...four freakin’ hours...the root of that particular world record might simply be because he doesn’t know how to cu-”

She clears her throat and stops herself from being crass in front of The First again.

“Not everyone has that killer instinct it takes to be a champion, with most not having the ability to be at MY level, and Raab has the killer instinct of my pet bunny! You need to be able to FINISH your opponent, to knock them SENSELESS, and have no qualms or guilt about it, but Raab is the kind of guy who hesitates at the last second, who only goes in at about 75%. Sure, the dude has tenacity and longevity maxed out...there’s some of that critical thinking objectivity of yours, Ma’am...but it doesn’t do any good if you can’t actually put your opponent away. And he his this deluded feeling that Black Ice is going to get it done for him.

“The reality is that Black Ice got beat in the middle of the damned ring when I gave him his shot to rise above his station. He EARNED the ass-kicking I gave him, and no amount of after-the-match attacks from behind are going to change that massive, giant L I gave him. He can compare notes with Rydell about the effectiveness of THAT ‘keep my heat’ tactic. And, sure, the record books get to show a couple of wins against me in Cooperative matches, but the CONTEXT of those matches make him face his pathetic reality in the mirror: The first time was a handicap match where I didn’t have a partner...thanks, bb...and the other was me being saddled with Rydell. When he has the opportunity to MATTER, when he has the chance to BE something, not even his foul-mouthed alter ego can get it done. When faced against the BEST this business has, no formulaic 20-minute promotional video filled with a 2-dimensional family, paint-by-numbers trainer, SJW cast-off, and shoot on youtube compiled of random swear words clumped together in order to appear ‘edgy’ is going to give him a change in success. Whether he’s Konrad Raab or Black Ice, he’s going to cut the exact same promo he always does, which means he’s going to prepare for this match the exact same way he always does, and so he’s going to get beat in the middle of the ring in the exact same way he always does.”

Sarah comes to a stop and faces Nori, who again has a smile on her face.

“Two more questions, Child. First...why Thunder? Did you need him to defeat this Rydell man?”

Sarah rolls her eyes so hard that Kenzi pauses in her dominoes lesson in the corner.

“Much like when I defeated Zane all those months ago, I didn’t NEED to use nefarious means. I WANTED to. As Daddy taught me: God likes a little style. Besides, Thunder is with us for a reason. My Beloved may be pushing against me in this regard, but I am gathering people. God’s glory WILL be realized under my reign.”

The miko gives a small nod.

“What is the fundamental lesson from your father?”

Sarah’s eyes quickly dart to Kenzi across the room before they turn back to Nori.

“Wrestlers are better than people.”

She licks her lips and can feel her entire body heating up.

“WE are what God wants. WE are the Davids and Alexanders of the day. WE are the examples of His glory for the world. And by the time I am done, all eyes will be on me. The future is in MY hands.”

Another quick glance at Kenzi, who has begun walking back toward them with the towering Shinjiro behind her.

“Our house, with Mackenzie and I as the centerpiece, will SAVE this world, Ma’am.”

She grows silent as they are joined by the other two, with Kenzi looking back and forth uncertainly. After a few moments, the miko speaks.

“You have earned my faith, Child. And I wish to reward you.”

Her eyes move to the towering man on her right.

“My Shin shall join you for a time. Help you attain your...goals.”

Back to the Grey-Lacklan duo.

“He will be your house-guest.”

Kenzi’s eyes open wide.

“Nope! Nope nope nope nope! I have had TOO MANY family members at the Egg this year, thanks!”

“Beloved!”

“No! First, Ava stayed. And THEN your idiot friend Ash. And THEN that creepy Cajun cousin of yours. Enough, Selena!”

Sarah turns to the miko and gives her a nod.

“We accept.”

Kenzi throws her hands into the air.

“And you give ME shit about taking in stray dogs!”

Kenzi’s final lament falls upon deaf ears as Sarah’s eyes fill with visions of not just one executioner in the form of Thunder, but a duo of powerful men to squish bugs for her.

The future was in her hands, indeed.

[cooltubesource]

What was that? You're writing a promo as unnecessarily long as my usual and you've already gone through the entire UGWC the Music, vol 10 and need MORE music? Here's the playlist for the G-L Rock Battle '20!


Rock Battle '20 Playlist