Sentinel 22/11/08 RESULTS

[Lord Hastings]

WARNING

The following Sentinel contains explicit images, scenes of brutal violence, foul mouthed penguins, graphic sexual references and a realisation that half the roster is too retarded for words.

If you are easily offended, or have close feelings for anyone involved in tonight’s show, you have been warned.

Viewer Discretion is Advised.

[Lord Hastings]

Show opens to a burly fan molesting Hanson’s head. The fan is quickly dragged away by Bling’s goons to the back of the woodshed for a meeting with Marlo and its huge ass.

The six competitors then make their way to the ring for the opening match. Well at least they try. Chip Masters, Savana and Solomon slip on semen left by the naked Killswitch and crack their skulls on the entrance ramp. They are dragged off to the back of the woodshed for a meeting with Marlo and its huge ass. Meanwhile Killswitch has become distracted by some non-existent pretty lights and begins begging the gods of the deep fried liquorice stand for forgiveness. DJS boots him in the face and now Killswitch is dead until at least '09. Yes, dead.

So then the two remaining competitors lock up. DJS dominates the majority of the match, though Cyanide is able to get a near fall after The Cyanide Driver. But The Diamond In The Rough refuses to stay down, eventually nailing a Rise Of Brutality on his opponent. He then makes the cover on Killswitch’s corpse and it’s time for the next match.

[Lord Hastings]

Vinegar: The next match is up.

Hanson: You mean WE don’t get the night off...

Vinegar: Marek Daisuke is in the ring...

Hanson: He got there damn quick.

Vinegar: That’s the glory of recaps....

Hanson: Where’s Dredd?

Vinegar: He’s been dragged off...

Hanson: Where?

Vinegar: To the back of the woodshed for a meeting with Marlo and it’s huge ass.

Hanson: Hang on...there he is...he escaped!

Vinegar: No-one escapes from Marlo and it’s Ass, he must have been rejected...

Hanson: Imagine that, rejected by Marlo and it’s Ass, that’s like Boss P not calling you the N word, it’s shameful really. And Marek has sprung onto him and lynched in the Ishikawa Enclosure, and Dredd instantly starts tapping in pain, but Marek won’t let go, he’s tugging Dredd and not until the ref threatens to reverse the decision that he releases the crumpled Dredd....

Vinegar: He better not collapse like that next week, or his team have no chance, not the most impressive performance from The Monster. And now as Marek heads up the ramp victorious, Xavier Bryan grabs a microphone....

Hanson: Wait, he’s out here too, have I gone blind...

Vinegar: He kinda just appeared, anyway he’s got a mic and I think he wants us to shut up...

Hanson: Yeah well, if he wanted a bit more attention maybe he should have stepped up and helped with someone elses match? Hell if anyone is unhappy with their portrayal tonight, they got no-one to blame but themselves...

Vinegar: hey at least his guys show up each week.

Hanson: That's why I didn't just call for an ad break here, at least he hasn't been molested by Marlo and it's ass tonight, he's got off light.

Vinegar: I think he just challenged Raenius to a match at Horizons...

Hanson: Another match? That cards getting big yo!

Vinegar: Don’t worry it’ll probably just get recapped...

Hanson: Recaps RULE!

The screen now flips to a new scene, Standing before us is a man wearing what is quite unmistakably a leather gimp mask, with a ball gag hanging round his neck. He seems suspiciously familiar, almost as if we’ve seen him before. He has the aura of a man, who when young, witnessed his mother being viciously murdered by a recess monkey, that then went on to grape his young anal cavity. He smiles as only a man with deep rooted sexual perversions can, and then begins to speak.

‘Hey there fans of GIW, I’m DJ the owner and proprietor of the one and only; ‘DJ’s House of Hardcore’. We are the sponsors of this years biggest Pay-Per-View, GIW Horizons. And in partnership with GIW and its new Enforcer Boss Penguin we have some exclusive offers for those who book this PPV today!’

He then thrusts both thumbs, god knows where they have been, up in the air, and as the image freezes a voice over artist takes over the commercial.

‘Each household that purchases the Pay-Per-View will receive a special flier from DJ’s House of Hardcore’ with many fantastic offers including, but not limited to.

Buy any DVD, Dildo or Butt Plug and receive ‘Chris Austin’s first Donkey Show’ and the much acclaimed sequel, ‘The Shaman of Sex goes back for Double Donkey’ completely free.

And an exclusive Both Holes for the Price of One offer, from the one and only DJ himself.

Don’t delay, purchase GIW Horizons today, to qualify for these amazing discounts and many more!’

[End Commercial]

[Lord Hastings]

The cameras return to the scene inside the Heavyweight Champion’s locker room. Yasutoki is inside dressing himself in a plain white Gi, his back to the door when it opens and Alex walks in.

Alex: …What’re you doing here?

Yasutoki: I had to get ready. I assumed I was free to use your room.

Alex: Ready? For what? Why are you dressed like that?

Yasutoki: I have a match.

Alex: A match? But you can’t wrestle. Who against?

Yasutoki: Randy Boolzian.

Alex: Boolz!? You’re fighting Boolz!? Who the hell’s idea was this!?

Yasutoki: Mine.

Alex: Yours!? What are you thinking!?

Yasutoki: I spoke to the young man last week. He questioned my honour, your honour and that of our family. I must clear the mark he has left on us.

Alex: That bastard! Why didn’t you tell me this sooner!?

Yasutoki: You have more pressing concerns.

By the door Alex is now pacing back and forth, hands on his head, clearly furious while his Father continues to calmly prepare himself, still without turning to look at his Son.

Alex: I’m fixing this! You don’t leave this room understand!?

Yasutoki doesn’t say anything. There’s a moment of silence as Alex waits for a response but soon gives up. Sweeping up the wooden training sword propped against the wall he throws the door open, walks through and slams it behind him.

The camera then returns to the arena, as the competitors for the mixed tag match are in the ring and things are starting off with Gab and Chass. And Fear has to start the bout for her team, because Aragato and Mikey B. Badd are too busy comparing cock sizes on the outside to even realise a match is underway. They both pale in comparison to the walrus resembling Boss P.

Chassie fights valiantly, but with two window lickers as partners, she is overcome by the joint efforts of Gab, Hastings and Raenius. That is until Cal makes her way to ringside and decides she doesn’t like the way Gab has tagged in Hastings. A cat fight erupts, before Chass intervenes and throws Cal face first into the crowd, obviously wanting to fight her own battle. Hastings then drags The Dark Rose back into the ring and nails the Destiny’s Call. But before he can go for the cover, Badd inadvertently ejaculates on both Hastings and Fear, after Peterson came to break up the homoerotic situation and the extra audience just excited The Pecker Rooster that little bit too much.

Hastings throws up in the ring, before rushing backstage in disgust and vowing that Peterson will pay for his actions. Gab takes over, while East counts the man juice splattering as a tag. Now Badd is the legal man, but he promptly turkey slaps Aragato, which also counts as a tag. Mr. Deathmatch is quickly put down with a bitch slap to the face and Gab covers, while Raenius intercepts Chass, preventing her from making the save. This bad boy is over.

[Lord Hastings]

“Bummer” begins playing for however long it takes Roberts to enter the arena. Though as soon as he appears the music cuts out in what is obviously another one of Boss P’s mind games.

Dennis: The following match is an honour duel… whatever the fuck that means. Introducing the guest referee… TRAVIS ROBERTS!!!

Hanson: That Boss P is as corrupt as Jack Ryans’ ass after a visit from Savage! How dare he cut The Headliner’s music?

Vinegar: Please. You’re just jealous that The Revolution didn’t think of doing that first back when they had the reigns.

Hanson: I HAD YO MOMMA’S REIGNS!!!

Dennis: And introducing the first competitor… YASUTOKI KISERAGI!!!

Hanson: And this old man doesn’t even have theme music. Boss P has taken the single most exciting television show out there and butchered it to the point it could be mistaken for an episode of The Golden Sluts. This is an injustice!

Vinegar: Pretty sure that’s not what that show was called…

Dennis: And the oppone -

MJ: Hold up there, Dennis. Mary-Jo is the only one qualified enough to give The Red Bull Icon the entrance he deserves!

MJ now makes her way down the ramp and into the ring. Staring directly at Roberts, she begins to speak.

MJ: Ladies and gentlemen, it is now Mary Joanna’s great pleasure to introduce you to the GIW Hardcore Champion, the next Global Heavyweight Champion, the final TWiSTeD Fight Club Champion, the brightest star in GIW, the future of professional wrestling… his name is RANDY BOOLZIAN!

The Globatron now shows RBI marching down a backstage corridor and towards the arena area. The Hardcore Title belt is draped over his shoulder, he has a cigar in his mouth and in his hand an unopened can of Red Bull. When suddenly -

Vinegar: OH MY GOD! ALEX KISERAGI OUTTA NOWHERE BASHING THAT WOODEN SWORD OF HIS INTO BOOLZ’ SKULL!!

Hanson: Oh man. Now that BoolZ is down, what’s Kiseragi gonna do with his other ‘sword’?!

Vinegar: He’s assaulting RBI with the wooden sword! Smashing it into BoolZ’ head over and over! The Dragon has snapped! BoolZ’ comments towards his father have obviously pushed our Champion over the edge!

Hanson: Nah Nick, it’s all that built up sexual tension he has for BoolZ. He can’t stand the fact that it’s only one way. But then again, if he wants a piece of BoolZ, he could probably suck it outta just about any cavity in Mary-Ho’s stretch marked body.

Alex: You damn, no good piece of shit! Did you think you were just going to get away with this!? Think you can just attack everything my family stands for and not pay the price!? Is this what you wanted!? To pour gas on the fire inside!? Or do you just like picking on old men. Couldn’t get the reaction you wanted taking shots at me huh? Fucking bully scum! Did you really think I’d let you in the ring with my Father!? You don’t even deserve to breath the same air as him!

Boolz: He ask-

Alex: I don’t care what he asked for! You have a problem you bring it to me you in-bred yokul mother fucker! You will never have the honour of facing a man like my Father and I swear you so much as lay a finger on him I will shove this sword so far up your ass you’ll be picking splinters out of your teeth at Christmas!!!

Vinegar: Now Kiseragi smashing that sword into BoolZ again and again! But BoolZ rolling to safety and springs to his feet. BAM! Smashes that can of Red Bull straight into Kiseragi’s face! And Travis, Mary-Jo and Yasutoki are watching on here, completely at a loss for words. I don’t think anyone expected this kind of behaviour from Alex!

Hanson: But his little pixie attack failed. Now BoolZ is in control and slams The Dragon Lover’s head right through that vending machine!!

BoolZ: This your idea of ‘honour’, huh?! Hiding behind some crippled old man and then jumping me from behind?! Well I’ll give you what you want, Kiseragi! I won't beat up your useless dadda, nah. Can we get a ref back here? This is a backstage brawl match now!!

Vinegar: MY GOD!

Hanson: What?! Since when does BoolZ book the card?!

Vinegar: Ah, shut it, we all know he could do a better job than The Revolution any day of the week. And now he’s smashing Kiseragi’s face into the wall! Blasting him over and over! The Global Champ has been busted open!

Hanson: But the little fairy still has some fight in him. A kick to BoolZ shins and now he smashes RBI’s herpes ridden face into the wall.

Vinegar: Kiseragi dragging BoolZ down the hall and into the cafeteria! Throwing him onto a table. Now he’s climbing up another table and BANG! Huge moonsault! What a move?! And now Peterson is on the scene! He’s declared it! This match is official!

Hanson: And now Kiseragi is hitting BoolZ with a chair!

Vinegar: No! BoolZ rolls off the table and the chair misses its mark. Now BoolZ with a dropkick, sends the steel right into Kiseragi!! RBI follows up and clotheslines The Dragon right over the counter and into the kitchen area! RBI climbing in there himself and calling for The DiscomBoolZalator! Kiseragi getting back up and BoolZ grabs him! Here it comes! No! Kiseragi squirms free and hits a roundhouse into BoolZ and sends him face first into those dirty dishes! The plates shatter and the Hardcore Champ’s face has been covered in grease!

Hanson: I bet Kiseragi would like to cover his face in something else…

Vinegar: Now Kiseragi looking for the Yari Kick! BoolZ dodges and The Dragon smashes a hole right through the wall! And RBI capitalising on the temporary distraction! A shot to the skull with a pan and now looking for the DiscomBoolZalator once more!

“THE FUCK YOU NIGGAS THINK YA DOIN’?!?!”

Vinegar: What’s this?! Boss P has arrived on the scene! And Bling’s henchmen are restraining both RBI and Kiseragi!!

“I THOUGHT I WARNED YOU PUSSIES LAST WEEK ABOUT FUCKING EACH OTHER UP BEFORE BOSS P’S FIRST PPV! WELL IT SEEMS YOU WHITE BREAD BITCHES NEED SOME REMINDING!!! SO I’MMA ENDING THIS MATCH RIGHT NOW! AND MAKING A NEW ONE! IT’S GONNA BE TRAVIS ROBERTS VERSE OLD MAN NIGGARAGI! VERSE MARY JOLICIOUS IN A NO DISQUALIFICATIONS TRIPLE THREAT MATCH!! AND I’M GONNA MAKE YOU NIGGAS WATCH THE WHOLE THING!”

Boss P turns his attention to someone off screen.

“BLING MY NEGRO, GO GET US A TV MONITOR AND GET IT THA FUCK IN HERE! THESE PUSSIES NEED TO LEARN WHO THE AUTHORITY IS IN THIS HOOD!!”

Hanson: Oh my God! This is the second time the match has been changed already! Not gonna say I don’t like the sound of the triple threat, but Boss P is switching his shit more than DJ switched gimmicks! It’s absurd!

Vinegar: Well we have bigger problems. Roberts is advancing on MJ! And he’s got the biggest smile I’ve ever seen smacked across his face! Folks, this could get ugly…

Hanson: It’s about time that semen smoking whore got what she deserved! Roberts is gonna knock the stuffin’ outta her, old school style!

Vinegar: Wait a minute… Travis has taken hold of the mic MJ had hold of. AND HE SMASHES IT RIGHT INTO YASUTOKI’S FACE!!! ROBERTS BLASTING AWAY AT THE GLOBAL CHAMP’S FATHER WITH THAT BARRAGE OF SHOTS!

Hanson: And look at Kiseragi on the Globatron! He looks like he’s about to cry! Not that crying is unusual for someone of his particular interests…

Vinegar: Cry?! He looks like he could murder Travis Roberts! And The Blessed One now pulling the bleeding Yasutoki to his feet. CONNECTS WITH THE WHITE OUT! HE COVERS! ONE! TWO! THREE!

Hanson: This one’s done! That’ll teach those punks to mess with Boss Motha Funkin’ P!

Vinegar: But now Roberts turning his attention back to Mary-Jo. AND HE PLANTS HIS LIPS RIGHT ON HERS!!!

Hanson: NO! ALL YOUR TEETH WILL BE GONE INSIDE A WEEK!

Vinegar: Travis smiling broadly, very pleased with himself, and now he’s hurrying backstage without so much as a glance backwards. MJ is in shock. She has no idea how to respond! I don’t know how to respond either! What the hell is Travis playing at?!

Hanson: It’s all business for The Headliner. He’s already backstage and probably going to look out for Cara. He’s a Champion we’ll be able to be proud of, Nick!

Vinegar: That’s if he even makes it to the Title match. If Kiseragi got that angry at BoolZ just for speaking unkindly to his father, imagine what he’s gonna do to Roberts!!

Hanson: Try to have non-consensual sex with him, most likely.

[Lord Hastings]

Vinegar: It’s time for the main event, and after a show packed with semenating old timers, the Death of Killswitch, impromptu matches and the announcement of Horizon’s sponsor, you gotta wonder, what the hell is in store for us next...

Hanson: Well I’m hoping for midgets, I’m not sure what capacity I want them in, but one thing is for sure, tonight’s show hasn’t had enough midgets.

Vinegar: Can’t say I’ve really missed their inclusion, but I do feel for all you midget aficionado’s, cause we’ve had nearly everything else tonight, and you would not have been foolish to have expected some vertically challenged entertainment...

Hanson: I’m still hoping, we got a whole match ahead of us...

Vinegar: I sincerely doubt they’d be writing midgets into a match with the owner of this company, as well as two Hollywood Icon’s...

Hanson: I’d pay good money to see a midget Nicolas Cage...

Dennis: Ladies and Gentlemen, the next match is scheduled for one fall, and is a Tag Team matchup.

“Kickstart my Heart” hits and the former two-time Global heavyweight Champion makes his way out on stage, with Nic Cage at his side. The fans go ape shit at the sight of these two men.

Dennis: introducing first, with no combined weight, from two different places in the country, BRAAANDON BROOOOWN and NIIIIIIIC CAAAAAAAAAGE!

Hanson: Would I be right in saying the two of them are already bickering?

Vinegar: Yes, it does seem they have found something to disagree about already....

“The Air That I Breathe” then hits, and ‘The Heart and Soul of GIW’ and ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’ make their way onto the stage. The Fresh prince dances from side to side in rhythm with the music, whilst Declan Prescott look’s distant, and spends most of his time peering into the crowd, as if looking for someone in particular.

Dennis: And their opponents, DECLAAAAN PRESCOOOOOTT and WIIIIILL SMIIIIIIIIIITH!!!

Vinegar: Well Will Smith seem’s full of energy as they head to the ring, hopping from one foot to the other...

Hanson: I’m pretty sure he’s getting back in the mindset he was in for Ali, he’s gonna float like a butterfly, and sting like VD tonight Nicholas!

Vinegar; Declan Prescott on the other hand looks like he[‘d rather be anywhere else but here right now.

Hanson: What do you expect, his wife is seriously injured, the media are trying to turn the whole attack into some kind of circus, yet Boss P still has no inclination to give the guy a week off for personal reasons.

Vinegar: For once, you may well have a point. But regardless he is here tonight, and both teams are now in the ring, and it looks like it’ll be Will Smith and Nic Cage to start this one off...that’s a phrase I never thought I’d hear myself say.

Hanson: And the Fresh Prince starts hoping around the ring, ducking and diving, bobbing and weaving...

Vinegar: And Nic Cage just stands and watches as Will Smith continues to do his best Ali impression. Now Smith is right up in Cage’s face, still bobbing and weaving...but stops when Cage delivers a swift right hand to the side of his head...

Hanson: Come on ref, that was a closed fist!

Vinegar: Now Nic Cage has the advantage and throws Will Smith into the ropes, and as the fresh prince rebounds back...he punches him again.

Hanson: What a spectacular move...

Vinegar: What did you expect? These guys are actors, despite any ‘training’ they may have had, they’ve never come experienced the pressure that comes with stepping into a GIW ring. Now Cage has Will Smith on the ground, and he is now stomping away and the Whitest Black man in Rap doesn’t seem to be able to do anything to defend himself...

Hanson: So he takes the smart option and rolls underneath the ropes and to the outside to compose himself...

Vinegar: Nic Cage then goes over and tags Brandon Brown in, which may be an even smarter move. And Brandon ignores Will Smith and heads right over to Declan Prescott, who hasn’t been paying attention to anything that has been going on in the ring, but has been instead scanning the crowd with intense scrutiny. He is interrupted as Brandon drags him head first over the ropes, and then drags him to his feet...

Hanson: And now Brown is bad mouthing the GIW owner to his face, but Declan still looks unconcerned, and is not even looking at Brandon, instead he still focuses his attention on the crowd...

Vinegar: And Brandon Brown has taken exception to these actions, and strikes Declan with a right hand, and then a left, but still fails to illicit a response from ‘The Heart and Soul’.

Hanson: But Brandon has been so preoccupied with Declan that he hasn’t noticed ‘The Fresh Prince’ get back in the ring, he comes up behind Brandon, spins him around, and delivers a huge uppercut that sends ‘The Most Resilient Man in GIW’ down to the canvas. As Declan Prescott makes his way back to the apron, Will Smith celebrates his blow by busting out a few breakdancing moves. He then worms over to Brandon and delivers a dropped fist to the former Two Time Global Heavyweight Champions skull.

Vinegar: What’s this? Declan Prescott has just climbed down from the apron, and over the security rail, and has started sprinting through the crowd, towards the exits....and out of the building. It seems though he’s left Will Smith to face this match on his own...

Hanson: And he is doing a fine job at the moment, as he whips Brandon brown into the turnbuckle and then launches his entire body into him...

Vinegar: But given the comparatively small stature of Will Smith, brandon barely feels the effects and grabs Will Smith...and delivers a brutal Brainbuster...and then turns to Nicolas Cage and tags in the star of such hits as ‘Next’, ‘The Family Man’ and the remake of the British Classic ‘The Wicker Man’.

Hanson: I hated all those movies...

Vinegar: Then at least you have good taste in movies, if not wrestlers. Anyway Nic Cage attempts to cover Will Smith, but The fresh prince breaks free after only two counts, he then rolls back out of the ring to compose himself again...wait, he’s asked Obese Tony to stand up...Obese Tony has asked for an autograph, and Will Smith has obliged. And now he has that reinforced Steel Chair that Obese Tony sits on...

Hanson: Will Smith is Hardcore yo!

Vinegar: And he’s climbed back in the ring...he can’t do this...

Hanson: he just has! And he has sent that heavy chair slamming into Nic Cage’s head! And Cage is busted open!

Vinegar: And this match is over...

Dennis: Here are your winners, Via Disqualification, Brandon Brown and Nicolas Cage!

Vinegar: And as Will Smith makes his way to the back with haste, that signals the end of this....unique...Sentinel. And it leaves us all wondering just what is going to go down next week at Horizons...

Hanson: I just hope there are more midgets!

[Lord Hastings]

Sentinel 22/11/08 Credits

Viewer Advisement
Travis Roberts

Classic Multi-Man Match
Declan Prescott

Daisuke vs. Dredd/Hardcore Advert
Travis Roberts

The Kiseragis Backstage
Alex Kiseragi

Mixed Six Person Tag
Declan Prescott

Backstage Brawl/Triple Threat
Declan Prescott (with parts by A-Kis)

Main Event
Travis Roberts