Master of Puppets (WS UGWC WHC vs. SEBIII vs. A. Vaughn)
Jul 4, 2020 21:52:41 GMT -5
Alex Kiseragi likes this
Post by wwjbcd on Jul 4, 2020 21:52:41 GMT -5
"So, uh, let me get this straight. You want us to WHAT now?"
Once again we're back at the Chicago-situated office of the mundane man with the insane name, Doctor Numbers. Also in attendance are the usual suspects: The Nando's Knight and Massive Melee Master Sebastian Everett-Bryce III, The Best Biter and Almost Angie Annihilator Hide Yamazaki, and the man who asked the question to begin with, The Curmudgeon Canadian and Ruler of Retired Wrestlers Johnny Bonecrusher.
"A-ah, we-well, now, Johnny, I, ah, do-don't want you to, you know, poo-poo the idea just yet!" Numbers futilely scolded Johnny as he placed a wooden crate on top of his desk. Hide moves forward to get a closer look.
"And, ah, would you be so kind as to actually reiterate the idea to us, Doc?" Seb asked, already figuring he knew what was in store for them all.
"Ruh-right." Numbers responded as he pulled out a hand puppet that looked awfully familiar. "S-so, ah, ba-basically, we each take turns wea-wearing one of these, these ha-hand puppets. And, ah, you know, we subsequently de-delve into the innermost crevices o-of our psyches."
Seb is nonplussed. Johnny's brow says "confusion" but his frown says "God damn you". And Hide has absconded with the one hand puppet and has put it on. It has an angry look on its face and a very large mouth. It's dressed in a tiny yet very loud suit.
"And... WHO exactly is that supposed to be?" Johnny demanded but probably already knew the answer. Seb snorted while Numbers covered his mouth.
"Oh, come on, John," Seb said as he playfully (read: antagonistically) pulled on Johnny's arm as they rocked back and forth a bit. "At least ONE of your two brains should know the answer to this question! Or is it THREE this week?"
Johnny just shook his head. Hide meanwhile had a look on his face as if he understood.
"Johnny?" he asked as he pointed at the puppet. He then made it open and close its mouth in an exaggerated manner. "RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH!!"
It's now Numbers' turn to let out a snort as Seb just flat-out laughs.
"I DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT!!!"
"RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH!!!"
Johnny wishes he hadn't left Paris, Texas without his Zoloft.
"Okay, that's it!" Johnny gets up and rummages through the box of puppets. He pulls out a British-looking puppet wearing a Han Solo costume as well as a bespectacled older gentleman puppet.
"Ooohhh, lookit meeee," Johnny says in a terrible British accent. "Oi rilly loik Nando's and sexual innuendooo!"
Everyone laughs.
"That's me, all right!" Seb blurts out between chuckles.
Johnny narrows his eyes and unceremoniously tosses the Seb puppet back into the box.
"We-we-well, look at, uh, uh, uh, meeee!" Johnny says putting on a stereotypical old person voice. "I ha-ha-have sooooo many good team-building e-e-e-exercises in my oversized bi-bi-binderrr!"
"Hey HEY there!" Seb shouts as he slaps both hands on the arms of his chair. "That's a speech impediment you're making fun of, and I won't have you mocking it!"
"I-It's all ruh-right, Sebastian!" Numbers assures him.
"No! It is most certainly NOT all right!" Seb snapped back. "That was callous, cruel, calculating, corrupt and just downright cunty!"
Seb darts up to his feet, puts on his jacket, and heads for the door. "Quite frankly, Doctor Numbers, I'd have LOVED to be part of this wonderful session of yours but NOT, I repeat NOT in the presence of this, this, this BIGOT!"
Johnny's eyes widen, "BIGOT?!"
"BIGOT." Seb retorted. "And as such, I'll have to say good day to you all."
He nods at Hide. "Hide."
He nods at the good doctor. "Numbers."
He then intentionally avoids eye contact with Johnny as he turns around to face the door anew. "And NOBODY else. Ta-ra."
Seb then slams the door behind him and walks away.
Once he's outside the building and walking down the street, his serious looks makes way for a sinister glint in his eyes and a smirk upon his visage. "Like HELL I'd be part of THAT train-wreck of a plan!"
He continues down the street, then chuckles to himself. "'Ta-ra'. Almost lost it when I said that."
Back at Doctor Numbers' office, several puppets are now strewn about his desk: there's a heavily-bearded angry man one, a caramel-toned feminine one wearing a tiara, a small pale one wearing an impossibly long robe, a goateed one wearing a German flag t-shirt, etc etc etc. Johnny is seated in a slouch with his arms crossed while Hide has found his own puppet: a blonde tanned bare-chested puppet with sharp teeth. He's making the puppet admire his Cooperative belt.
"Okay, well, fuck's sakes, Seb weaseled his way out of this lovely exercise in futility; the least you can do is MAKE THIS GO FASTER!!!" Johnny barked at the good doctor.
"Nuh-no problem!" Numbers said cheerfully. "A-all right, so, ah, what we're basically going to, you know, to do here is have each of you ta-take a, a puppet for starters."
Johnny snatches up his puppet, giving it a once-over. His brow furrows as he glances over to the table, his eyes resting on the Sarah puppet. His scowl returns. "HEY, what the HELL! Why is MY puppet as small as HERS?!"
"O-oh, well, ah, you know, I-I just ran out of materials once I got to you." Numbers probably lied. Sarah's cape was long enough to make a couple more puppets, incidentally.
"I AM FIVE FEET, NINE AND A HALF INCHES, NUMBERS!!!"
"Calm down, you're so noisy." Hide said Japanese-ily, his eyes not leaving Little Hide.
"YOU calm down!" Johnny snapped back English-ily. "YOU'RE so noisy!"
"Ah, well, a-anyway," Numbers finally continued. "Yuh-you won't, ah, you know, be using your own puppet anyway."
Johnny just lazily slapped his hands together and sighed, "Then, then who am I gonna be? Who? WHO? I know only a minute's gone by but it feels like an HOUR!"
"Ah, yes." Numbers looks on his desk, then into the box. His eyes light up as he reaches inside, pulling out a puppet resembling the Sarah puppet but longer, without a robe, and with cat ears. There was also a tinfoil "belt" around her with the words "World's Champion" on it. "You'll, uh, well, you'll be Ms. Vaughn, actually!"
Numbers tossed Johnny the Angie puppet. He inhales as he slowly puts it on. It comes up to Johnny's elbow; the others - besides Sarah's and his own - come up to halfway up the forearm. He just looks on at Numbers, showing off so-called "Little Angie".
"I-I-I mean, she is quite statuesque."
Johnny points dramatically at Numbers, "FUCK you."
All Numbers can do is shrug and try to get things back on track by focusing his attention on Hide. "A-and Hide, you'll, ah, actually b-be Mr. Everett-Bryce."
"The Third!" Hide and Johnny say in unison, Hide matter-of-factly, Johnny as he rolled his eyes.
"The Third! Of course." the good doctor responded as he handed over Little Seb to The Strong Style Satanist. Hide tosses Little Hide aside and forcibly inserts Little Seb onto his arm. Somewhere else in Chicago, Seb inexplicably shudders.
"Suh-so, basically, there's no, ah, no need to talk about yourselves, since you, ah, you know, you know yourselves already."
"How very deep." Johnny said, obviously sarcastically, as he examined Little Angie, twisting his arm to make her little arms flail.
"Quite!" Numbers responded unaware of the sarcasm. "So you'll each try to get into the heads of yuh-your respective pu-puppets, and, ah, you know, illuminate us a-as to why you'll, ah, you'll be the one to, ah, well, ah, come out on top at WrestleStock."
Johnny hisses out a sigh as he lowers his head and shakes it. "So... in OTHER words... you want us to say why we... WON'T win."
"Nooo, noo, no." Numbers assured Johnny. "I-I want you to, ah, say, ah, you know... why THEY'LL win."
"THAT'S THE SAME FUCKING THI-" Johnny tried calming himself down. He REALLY wishes he hadn't left Paris, Texas without his Zoloft.
"I-I don't, ah, see the problem." Numbers replied. "I mean, we're all friends, ruh-right? Isn't a win for, ah, for one of us a-a win for ALL of us?"
Johnny was going to massage his temples but remembered what was on his arm, so he refrained. "All right, LOOK: YES, we're all friends, if you so desperately needed to hear me say that, but in the ring, no we most certainly are NOT. So the very idea that I'm actively trying to make a case for Angie retaining, or Hide there somehow explaining why Sebastian'll become the NEW UGWC World Champion, it's counter-intuitive to our business as a goddamn whole!"
There's a long pause as Numbers takes in everything Johnny's said.
"Ah. Well. Nevertheless."
Johnny's mouth goes slack as he shrugs his shoulders and looks expectantly at Hide. Hide just shrugs back. Johnny shakes his head and inhales deeply. "So how do I start?"
"The-there's no one true way to, ah, to begin. Just take a deep breath a-and say what first, ah, first comes out."
Johnny looked warily at Numbers, then momentarily glanced at Hide whose visage was of no help to anyone. He shut his eyes, took a deep breath, and began:
"Hi. My name's Angie. I'm soooo nice and soooo tall and eeeeveryone loves me-"
"Ah, hold on there, Johnny." Numbers interrupted. "Th-the point of this e-exercise isn't to, ah, you know, to mock Angie, it's to get inside he-her head."
Johnny threw up his hands. "Well, I don't know!"
"That's okay." Numbers turned to Hide. "Hide, wo-would you do us the honours o-of going, ah, of going first?"
Hide nodded. He rose to his feet and adjusted Little Seb.
"Well, it was this time last year that-"
"All right, stop, stop, STOP." Johnny said, once again finding a reason to be irritated.
"Jo-Johnny, yuh-you really need to, ah, you know, work on your, ah, propensity to interrupt du-during these exercises."
"Hey man, we don't need another week of doing this whole shtick where he goes on in Japanese, we politely wait for him to finish speaking, then we inform him we didn't understand a word of what he said."
"A-all right, but-"
"I'm tired of paying those subtitles people, NUMBERS!!!"
"O-okay, but, ah, ne-nevertheless."
Johnny quietly growls as he motions for Hide to continue.
Hide clears his throat. "It was this time last year that I came across the UGWC, at least on a more personal level. It was in fact at this very event where the world was introduced to Sebastian Everett-Bryce III. In the WrestleStock Open, I turned heads by beating Mr. Yamazaki in the first round, then went all the way to the finals where I lost to my good friend Sloane Taylor, making her the Open Cup winner, but I feel I had proven my worth in the span of a mere three days.
I would later team up with Ms. Taylor and we would eventually collect the Cooperative title belts. I would follow that up by acquiring the Cross-Hemisphere title belt, both events occurring under a year from my debut. While I may have lost those belts soon after winning them, many were talking about me. Last year was a series of highs and lows, but all the same, I would move forward no matter what. What took others years to accomplish I had done in 2019.
Then, I had been given an offer from an unexpected place: Mr. Bonecrusher had been working on restructuring his group named Team Johnny then, and similarly to how he recruited an old enemy in Ms. Kenzi Grey, he did the same with me. Together, we became 50-50 partners in the group that transformed into The Uncommonwealth. I again had my ups and downs in this new venture, but through further perseverance, I once more became a Cooperative Champion.
Teaming with the very man I beat when I first showed up, we pushed and pushed and pushed until we got what we felt we deserved. And again I pushed and pushed and pushed until I got what I felt I deserved, when I made it all the way to the end of the Massive Melee and earned my opportunity on July 13th. This is a year in the making. This is my chance to make up for losing last year. This is my chance to make up for failing to keep a hold of past championships.
My partner, who is also in this match, came closer than anyone else has to bringing the World Championship to us, and while I of course wish him the best, he did in fact fail to win, so it's now my turn to do so. I can do it. And if you try to stop me from doing it, I will ensure a repeat of last year's WrestleStock. You had your chance. Step aside and you'll see that I am the one truly aware of Ms. Vaughn's flaws, and I will exploit them. And I will win.
I don't wish this to be misconstrued as me feeling I'll effortlessly trounce Ms. Vaughn, because she has not been World Champion every year since I've arrived by good fortune, rather, because she is the real deal. She never needed the #CoolKids, Mr. Rydell, Ms. Grey-Lacklan, no one. She is naturally the best of the best. This will be the hardest-fought fight of my life. She will bring out the best in me and I in her. She will also bring out the true champion in me. That will be her downfall."
Hide then makes Little Seb take a bow before sitting back down. Numbers applauds until Johnny glares at him.
Numbers clears his throat, "O-okay then, we-well, it's, ah, your turn now. You've go-got the basic idea now, right?"
"NO! I DON'T!" Johnny barked back. "WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS ALREADY! I CAUGHT A FEW WORDS HERE AND THERE, BUT THAT WAS IT! I TRIED TELLING YOU!!"
"Come on, i-it ought to be pretty e-easy for you, ah, you know, considering you're bo-both Canadian and all that."
Johnny narrowed his eyes and pointed at the good doctor. "That's racist somehow."
Hide placed a hand on Johnny's shoulder. "Just think like Angelica and you can become like Angelica."
"Yeah, that's easy for YOU to say." Johnny grumbled as he finally stood up. He looked at Little Angie, thinking about things for a bit.
"All right, listen up: I am Angie Vaughn, cat-fancier, farmhand, #CoolKid, and of course, why we're all gathered here today: UGWC World Heavyweight Champion! This's my second run with the biggest prize in the game today; last year while on the biggest roll of my short career, I wound up beating Alan Wallace for my first taste of big-big-time gold, and while it literally tasted bad, it figuratively tasted... uhh... totes... sweet. Obvs! Totes obvs? Obvs totes?!"
"Do-don't force it."
"Okay, okay! Anyway, and sure, while I did defend it against some seriously challenging challengers, all good things must come to an end, and who better to have beat me than my dear sister-in-arms Roxy Cotton? And who better to beat HER than our OTHER dear sister-in-arms and my really-reals sister Sarah Grey-Lacklan? And and AND, who better to beat HER than Alan Wallace?! Just kidding! It was ME! And three months later, here we are! Still the 5'11" Champ BAYBAY!
And this hungry little guy over here might try to remind you that he had your gal on the ropes, and oh boy and boy howdy DID he! I honestly didn't think he had it in him, but I guess that's all it takes to motivate Hide! That and maybe a quick trip to Subway? Either way, WOW did he sure show me! But thanks to a fair final decision by the official officials, Angelica Marie Gertrude Madeline Vaughn the Third is STILL the top cat! I know it's really top dog, but you know me!
Now, I just wanted to make one thing... perfectly clear, which is not Johnny forgetting he's supposed to be Angie but rather Angie playfully poking at that silly grumpy old goose. So I did say that I didn't feel Hide was a good fit at representing the UGWC as a World Champion, but it's not because I hate him or want him to lose, it's because I want him to become a better person overall! And he's proving he can be! But he's got a bit longer a way to go!
And SPEAKING of coming a long way, let's not forget that Sebastian Everett-Bryce... The Third, of course... is ALSO in this big bi BIG match! And NO, I'm NOT gonna get all swoon-y in his presence- I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM, AS I'VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED MANY TIMES IN THE PAST! And ESPECIALLY not when this shiny bad boy's on the line! You might be a charming cheat, but at WrestleStock, you're gonna be a sunk scoundrel!
This is your chance to get that much closer to becoming a Grand Slammer like me, but WILL you at WrestleStock? A resounding NOES! You've worked hard, and you COULD be ready now to take on this responsibility, but I've STILL got so much I need to do with this title! You'll impress, you'll wow, you might even come thiiiis cloooose, but you'll need to get thiiiiiiiis cloooooooose in order to get thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis cloooooooooooooooose, and that's where I stop ya!
Now, as much as I'd love to stick around and spin some more yarns, I do indeed have a hefty little boy named Carl who's not so little anymore to tend to! Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll get so big he'll, like, be inducted into the Guinness Book of World Records! Although if that happened, I'd have to have a serious talk with their president over changing the name to the White Claw Book of World Records; Guinness is a-"
Johnny blows a couple raspberries as he gives a thumbs down.
"No-go for me. Okay okay, all right, I'm done! I'm DONE. This was stupid and pointless."
"Nuh-no, no, you did pretty great fo-for your first time, ah, you know, doing so-something like this."
Hide patted Johnny on the back. For his troubles, he yanked Little Seb off of him followed by pulling Little Angie off his own arm.
"I did pretty good. I did pretty good at making good cases for why Sebastian and Angie could win; WHERE DOES THAT FUCKING LEAVE HIDE, GENIUS?!"
Doctor Numbers opens his mouth, but the words don't come out. Johnny does make a good point - this is quite unusual as far as wrestling promos is concerned. "Ah. Yes. Well. Uhh, you know, uh, Johnny, it's not so much about the words you SAY inasmuch as it's about the words you-you, ah, you DON'T... say."
Johnny was for the umpteenth time nonplussed. "Is that right? It's about the words you DON'T say, you say? Huh! Interesting! You got anymore pearls of wisdom there, DOC?"
Numbers thinks, "Hmm. We-well, ah, yuh-you know, a-actions speak lou-louder than, ah, that words."
"RECOGNIZE SARCASM, YOU SONOVABITCH!!!"
Hide grabs a hold of Johnny before he can lunge at the good doctor.
"O-oh my. We're re-really going to have to get you, ah, another Zoloft prescription ASAP!"
Oh and PS: It was a dark and stormy night when this all happened.
Once again we're back at the Chicago-situated office of the mundane man with the insane name, Doctor Numbers. Also in attendance are the usual suspects: The Nando's Knight and Massive Melee Master Sebastian Everett-Bryce III, The Best Biter and Almost Angie Annihilator Hide Yamazaki, and the man who asked the question to begin with, The Curmudgeon Canadian and Ruler of Retired Wrestlers Johnny Bonecrusher.
"A-ah, we-well, now, Johnny, I, ah, do-don't want you to, you know, poo-poo the idea just yet!" Numbers futilely scolded Johnny as he placed a wooden crate on top of his desk. Hide moves forward to get a closer look.
"And, ah, would you be so kind as to actually reiterate the idea to us, Doc?" Seb asked, already figuring he knew what was in store for them all.
"Ruh-right." Numbers responded as he pulled out a hand puppet that looked awfully familiar. "S-so, ah, ba-basically, we each take turns wea-wearing one of these, these ha-hand puppets. And, ah, you know, we subsequently de-delve into the innermost crevices o-of our psyches."
Seb is nonplussed. Johnny's brow says "confusion" but his frown says "God damn you". And Hide has absconded with the one hand puppet and has put it on. It has an angry look on its face and a very large mouth. It's dressed in a tiny yet very loud suit.
"And... WHO exactly is that supposed to be?" Johnny demanded but probably already knew the answer. Seb snorted while Numbers covered his mouth.
"Oh, come on, John," Seb said as he playfully (read: antagonistically) pulled on Johnny's arm as they rocked back and forth a bit. "At least ONE of your two brains should know the answer to this question! Or is it THREE this week?"
Johnny just shook his head. Hide meanwhile had a look on his face as if he understood.
"Johnny?" he asked as he pointed at the puppet. He then made it open and close its mouth in an exaggerated manner. "RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH!!"
It's now Numbers' turn to let out a snort as Seb just flat-out laughs.
"I DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT!!!"
"RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH!!!"
Johnny wishes he hadn't left Paris, Texas without his Zoloft.
"Okay, that's it!" Johnny gets up and rummages through the box of puppets. He pulls out a British-looking puppet wearing a Han Solo costume as well as a bespectacled older gentleman puppet.
"Ooohhh, lookit meeee," Johnny says in a terrible British accent. "Oi rilly loik Nando's and sexual innuendooo!"
Everyone laughs.
"That's me, all right!" Seb blurts out between chuckles.
Johnny narrows his eyes and unceremoniously tosses the Seb puppet back into the box.
"We-we-well, look at, uh, uh, uh, meeee!" Johnny says putting on a stereotypical old person voice. "I ha-ha-have sooooo many good team-building e-e-e-exercises in my oversized bi-bi-binderrr!"
"Hey HEY there!" Seb shouts as he slaps both hands on the arms of his chair. "That's a speech impediment you're making fun of, and I won't have you mocking it!"
"I-It's all ruh-right, Sebastian!" Numbers assures him.
"No! It is most certainly NOT all right!" Seb snapped back. "That was callous, cruel, calculating, corrupt and just downright cunty!"
Seb darts up to his feet, puts on his jacket, and heads for the door. "Quite frankly, Doctor Numbers, I'd have LOVED to be part of this wonderful session of yours but NOT, I repeat NOT in the presence of this, this, this BIGOT!"
Johnny's eyes widen, "BIGOT?!"
"BIGOT." Seb retorted. "And as such, I'll have to say good day to you all."
He nods at Hide. "Hide."
He nods at the good doctor. "Numbers."
He then intentionally avoids eye contact with Johnny as he turns around to face the door anew. "And NOBODY else. Ta-ra."
Seb then slams the door behind him and walks away.
Once he's outside the building and walking down the street, his serious looks makes way for a sinister glint in his eyes and a smirk upon his visage. "Like HELL I'd be part of THAT train-wreck of a plan!"
He continues down the street, then chuckles to himself. "'Ta-ra'. Almost lost it when I said that."
Back at Doctor Numbers' office, several puppets are now strewn about his desk: there's a heavily-bearded angry man one, a caramel-toned feminine one wearing a tiara, a small pale one wearing an impossibly long robe, a goateed one wearing a German flag t-shirt, etc etc etc. Johnny is seated in a slouch with his arms crossed while Hide has found his own puppet: a blonde tanned bare-chested puppet with sharp teeth. He's making the puppet admire his Cooperative belt.
"Okay, well, fuck's sakes, Seb weaseled his way out of this lovely exercise in futility; the least you can do is MAKE THIS GO FASTER!!!" Johnny barked at the good doctor.
"Nuh-no problem!" Numbers said cheerfully. "A-all right, so, ah, what we're basically going to, you know, to do here is have each of you ta-take a, a puppet for starters."
Johnny snatches up his puppet, giving it a once-over. His brow furrows as he glances over to the table, his eyes resting on the Sarah puppet. His scowl returns. "HEY, what the HELL! Why is MY puppet as small as HERS?!"
"O-oh, well, ah, you know, I-I just ran out of materials once I got to you." Numbers probably lied. Sarah's cape was long enough to make a couple more puppets, incidentally.
"I AM FIVE FEET, NINE AND A HALF INCHES, NUMBERS!!!"
"Calm down, you're so noisy." Hide said Japanese-ily, his eyes not leaving Little Hide.
"YOU calm down!" Johnny snapped back English-ily. "YOU'RE so noisy!"
"Ah, well, a-anyway," Numbers finally continued. "Yuh-you won't, ah, you know, be using your own puppet anyway."
Johnny just lazily slapped his hands together and sighed, "Then, then who am I gonna be? Who? WHO? I know only a minute's gone by but it feels like an HOUR!"
"Ah, yes." Numbers looks on his desk, then into the box. His eyes light up as he reaches inside, pulling out a puppet resembling the Sarah puppet but longer, without a robe, and with cat ears. There was also a tinfoil "belt" around her with the words "World's Champion" on it. "You'll, uh, well, you'll be Ms. Vaughn, actually!"
Numbers tossed Johnny the Angie puppet. He inhales as he slowly puts it on. It comes up to Johnny's elbow; the others - besides Sarah's and his own - come up to halfway up the forearm. He just looks on at Numbers, showing off so-called "Little Angie".
"I-I-I mean, she is quite statuesque."
Johnny points dramatically at Numbers, "FUCK you."
All Numbers can do is shrug and try to get things back on track by focusing his attention on Hide. "A-and Hide, you'll, ah, actually b-be Mr. Everett-Bryce."
"The Third!" Hide and Johnny say in unison, Hide matter-of-factly, Johnny as he rolled his eyes.
"The Third! Of course." the good doctor responded as he handed over Little Seb to The Strong Style Satanist. Hide tosses Little Hide aside and forcibly inserts Little Seb onto his arm. Somewhere else in Chicago, Seb inexplicably shudders.
"Suh-so, basically, there's no, ah, no need to talk about yourselves, since you, ah, you know, you know yourselves already."
"How very deep." Johnny said, obviously sarcastically, as he examined Little Angie, twisting his arm to make her little arms flail.
"Quite!" Numbers responded unaware of the sarcasm. "So you'll each try to get into the heads of yuh-your respective pu-puppets, and, ah, you know, illuminate us a-as to why you'll, ah, you'll be the one to, ah, well, ah, come out on top at WrestleStock."
Johnny hisses out a sigh as he lowers his head and shakes it. "So... in OTHER words... you want us to say why we... WON'T win."
"Nooo, noo, no." Numbers assured Johnny. "I-I want you to, ah, say, ah, you know... why THEY'LL win."
"THAT'S THE SAME FUCKING THI-" Johnny tried calming himself down. He REALLY wishes he hadn't left Paris, Texas without his Zoloft.
"I-I don't, ah, see the problem." Numbers replied. "I mean, we're all friends, ruh-right? Isn't a win for, ah, for one of us a-a win for ALL of us?"
Johnny was going to massage his temples but remembered what was on his arm, so he refrained. "All right, LOOK: YES, we're all friends, if you so desperately needed to hear me say that, but in the ring, no we most certainly are NOT. So the very idea that I'm actively trying to make a case for Angie retaining, or Hide there somehow explaining why Sebastian'll become the NEW UGWC World Champion, it's counter-intuitive to our business as a goddamn whole!"
There's a long pause as Numbers takes in everything Johnny's said.
"Ah. Well. Nevertheless."
Johnny's mouth goes slack as he shrugs his shoulders and looks expectantly at Hide. Hide just shrugs back. Johnny shakes his head and inhales deeply. "So how do I start?"
"The-there's no one true way to, ah, to begin. Just take a deep breath a-and say what first, ah, first comes out."
Johnny looked warily at Numbers, then momentarily glanced at Hide whose visage was of no help to anyone. He shut his eyes, took a deep breath, and began:
"Hi. My name's Angie. I'm soooo nice and soooo tall and eeeeveryone loves me-"
"Ah, hold on there, Johnny." Numbers interrupted. "Th-the point of this e-exercise isn't to, ah, you know, to mock Angie, it's to get inside he-her head."
Johnny threw up his hands. "Well, I don't know!"
"That's okay." Numbers turned to Hide. "Hide, wo-would you do us the honours o-of going, ah, of going first?"
Hide nodded. He rose to his feet and adjusted Little Seb.
"Well, it was this time last year that-"
"All right, stop, stop, STOP." Johnny said, once again finding a reason to be irritated.
"Jo-Johnny, yuh-you really need to, ah, you know, work on your, ah, propensity to interrupt du-during these exercises."
"Hey man, we don't need another week of doing this whole shtick where he goes on in Japanese, we politely wait for him to finish speaking, then we inform him we didn't understand a word of what he said."
"A-all right, but-"
"I'm tired of paying those subtitles people, NUMBERS!!!"
"O-okay, but, ah, ne-nevertheless."
Johnny quietly growls as he motions for Hide to continue.
Hide clears his throat. "It was this time last year that I came across the UGWC, at least on a more personal level. It was in fact at this very event where the world was introduced to Sebastian Everett-Bryce III. In the WrestleStock Open, I turned heads by beating Mr. Yamazaki in the first round, then went all the way to the finals where I lost to my good friend Sloane Taylor, making her the Open Cup winner, but I feel I had proven my worth in the span of a mere three days.
I would later team up with Ms. Taylor and we would eventually collect the Cooperative title belts. I would follow that up by acquiring the Cross-Hemisphere title belt, both events occurring under a year from my debut. While I may have lost those belts soon after winning them, many were talking about me. Last year was a series of highs and lows, but all the same, I would move forward no matter what. What took others years to accomplish I had done in 2019.
Then, I had been given an offer from an unexpected place: Mr. Bonecrusher had been working on restructuring his group named Team Johnny then, and similarly to how he recruited an old enemy in Ms. Kenzi Grey, he did the same with me. Together, we became 50-50 partners in the group that transformed into The Uncommonwealth. I again had my ups and downs in this new venture, but through further perseverance, I once more became a Cooperative Champion.
Teaming with the very man I beat when I first showed up, we pushed and pushed and pushed until we got what we felt we deserved. And again I pushed and pushed and pushed until I got what I felt I deserved, when I made it all the way to the end of the Massive Melee and earned my opportunity on July 13th. This is a year in the making. This is my chance to make up for losing last year. This is my chance to make up for failing to keep a hold of past championships.
My partner, who is also in this match, came closer than anyone else has to bringing the World Championship to us, and while I of course wish him the best, he did in fact fail to win, so it's now my turn to do so. I can do it. And if you try to stop me from doing it, I will ensure a repeat of last year's WrestleStock. You had your chance. Step aside and you'll see that I am the one truly aware of Ms. Vaughn's flaws, and I will exploit them. And I will win.
I don't wish this to be misconstrued as me feeling I'll effortlessly trounce Ms. Vaughn, because she has not been World Champion every year since I've arrived by good fortune, rather, because she is the real deal. She never needed the #CoolKids, Mr. Rydell, Ms. Grey-Lacklan, no one. She is naturally the best of the best. This will be the hardest-fought fight of my life. She will bring out the best in me and I in her. She will also bring out the true champion in me. That will be her downfall."
Hide then makes Little Seb take a bow before sitting back down. Numbers applauds until Johnny glares at him.
Numbers clears his throat, "O-okay then, we-well, it's, ah, your turn now. You've go-got the basic idea now, right?"
"NO! I DON'T!" Johnny barked back. "WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS ALREADY! I CAUGHT A FEW WORDS HERE AND THERE, BUT THAT WAS IT! I TRIED TELLING YOU!!"
"Come on, i-it ought to be pretty e-easy for you, ah, you know, considering you're bo-both Canadian and all that."
Johnny narrowed his eyes and pointed at the good doctor. "That's racist somehow."
Hide placed a hand on Johnny's shoulder. "Just think like Angelica and you can become like Angelica."
"Yeah, that's easy for YOU to say." Johnny grumbled as he finally stood up. He looked at Little Angie, thinking about things for a bit.
"All right, listen up: I am Angie Vaughn, cat-fancier, farmhand, #CoolKid, and of course, why we're all gathered here today: UGWC World Heavyweight Champion! This's my second run with the biggest prize in the game today; last year while on the biggest roll of my short career, I wound up beating Alan Wallace for my first taste of big-big-time gold, and while it literally tasted bad, it figuratively tasted... uhh... totes... sweet. Obvs! Totes obvs? Obvs totes?!"
"Do-don't force it."
"Okay, okay! Anyway, and sure, while I did defend it against some seriously challenging challengers, all good things must come to an end, and who better to have beat me than my dear sister-in-arms Roxy Cotton? And who better to beat HER than our OTHER dear sister-in-arms and my really-reals sister Sarah Grey-Lacklan? And and AND, who better to beat HER than Alan Wallace?! Just kidding! It was ME! And three months later, here we are! Still the 5'11" Champ BAYBAY!
And this hungry little guy over here might try to remind you that he had your gal on the ropes, and oh boy and boy howdy DID he! I honestly didn't think he had it in him, but I guess that's all it takes to motivate Hide! That and maybe a quick trip to Subway? Either way, WOW did he sure show me! But thanks to a fair final decision by the official officials, Angelica Marie Gertrude Madeline Vaughn the Third is STILL the top cat! I know it's really top dog, but you know me!
Now, I just wanted to make one thing... perfectly clear, which is not Johnny forgetting he's supposed to be Angie but rather Angie playfully poking at that silly grumpy old goose. So I did say that I didn't feel Hide was a good fit at representing the UGWC as a World Champion, but it's not because I hate him or want him to lose, it's because I want him to become a better person overall! And he's proving he can be! But he's got a bit longer a way to go!
And SPEAKING of coming a long way, let's not forget that Sebastian Everett-Bryce... The Third, of course... is ALSO in this big bi BIG match! And NO, I'm NOT gonna get all swoon-y in his presence- I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM, AS I'VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED MANY TIMES IN THE PAST! And ESPECIALLY not when this shiny bad boy's on the line! You might be a charming cheat, but at WrestleStock, you're gonna be a sunk scoundrel!
This is your chance to get that much closer to becoming a Grand Slammer like me, but WILL you at WrestleStock? A resounding NOES! You've worked hard, and you COULD be ready now to take on this responsibility, but I've STILL got so much I need to do with this title! You'll impress, you'll wow, you might even come thiiiis cloooose, but you'll need to get thiiiiiiiis cloooooooose in order to get thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis cloooooooooooooooose, and that's where I stop ya!
Now, as much as I'd love to stick around and spin some more yarns, I do indeed have a hefty little boy named Carl who's not so little anymore to tend to! Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll get so big he'll, like, be inducted into the Guinness Book of World Records! Although if that happened, I'd have to have a serious talk with their president over changing the name to the White Claw Book of World Records; Guinness is a-"
Johnny blows a couple raspberries as he gives a thumbs down.
"No-go for me. Okay okay, all right, I'm done! I'm DONE. This was stupid and pointless."
"Nuh-no, no, you did pretty great fo-for your first time, ah, you know, doing so-something like this."
Hide patted Johnny on the back. For his troubles, he yanked Little Seb off of him followed by pulling Little Angie off his own arm.
"I did pretty good. I did pretty good at making good cases for why Sebastian and Angie could win; WHERE DOES THAT FUCKING LEAVE HIDE, GENIUS?!"
Doctor Numbers opens his mouth, but the words don't come out. Johnny does make a good point - this is quite unusual as far as wrestling promos is concerned. "Ah. Yes. Well. Uhh, you know, uh, Johnny, it's not so much about the words you SAY inasmuch as it's about the words you-you, ah, you DON'T... say."
Johnny was for the umpteenth time nonplussed. "Is that right? It's about the words you DON'T say, you say? Huh! Interesting! You got anymore pearls of wisdom there, DOC?"
Numbers thinks, "Hmm. We-well, ah, yuh-you know, a-actions speak lou-louder than, ah, that words."
"RECOGNIZE SARCASM, YOU SONOVABITCH!!!"
Hide grabs a hold of Johnny before he can lunge at the good doctor.
"O-oh my. We're re-really going to have to get you, ah, another Zoloft prescription ASAP!"
Oh and PS: It was a dark and stormy night when this all happened.
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