Dinner Theater (w/ T. Roberts vs. E. Morgan & G. Baal)
Oct 24, 2020 18:42:27 GMT -5
Alex Kiseragi and Eden Morgan like this
Post by Mr.Ego on Oct 24, 2020 18:42:27 GMT -5
The wide grin of Vain’ Alan Wallace fills the screen, his pearly whites absolutely glistening, as multiple ladies within a fifty-mile radius are inexplicably suddenly ‘with child’. As the camera view zooms out to a wider shot, the viewer is graced with a scene they likely never expected to see: Alan Wallace sporting a white chef’s hat, with an apron that reads ‘Once You Put My Meat In Your Mouth, You’re Gonna Want To Swallow’. Beside him stands Travis Roberts, who sports a matching chef’s hat, with an apron that reads ‘Your Opinion Wasn’t In The Recipe’.
Alan: Welcome back to an incredibly special edition of ‘Double Dinner Date’, which is quite possibly the best show that The Piercing Media Network provides to its viewers. And that’s before the two of us decided to grace all of you with their presence.
Travis: To be fair Al, any show that we appear on breaks all previous records it held. I know that isn’t saying much, but still, the ratings don’t lie.
Alan: That they do not, Trav. To be perfectly honest, it is one of the few PMN shows that Celeste and I tend to enjoy on a weekly basis. Who could ever forget the episode that saw Dave Rydell show his expertise behind the grill, when he brought to the masses his special ‘B-Rated Burgers’, paired with his patented ‘Borish Baked Beans’. That’s why you have the side burner, ladies and gentlemen!
Travis: To be perfectly honest, I don’t remember seeing that episode, Al.
Alan: That’s because nobody watched it, Trav.
Travis: Quite a shame for Dave, but chin up buckeroo, maybe they’ll be sure to include it on your ‘Best Of…’ DVD that has still yet to be released.
Alan: See, that’s why I like you, Trav. You’re a dreamer.
The two men then give each other an over-exaggerated high five, before Alan looks back into the camera.
Alan: Not to be outdone by Mr. Rydell, Lucy Wylde and JC collaborated on a stunning baked chicken recipe that, frankly, looked absolutely delicious.
Travis: I remember seeing that episode, Al, and while it did look delicious, I question their choice to only hit an internal temperature of one-fifty-five. Chicken can turn on you rather quickly if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Alan: Touché, Trav. However, don’t forget, they did allow the chicken to rest for a longer period of time than usual. So, while the viewers likely couldn’t believe the decision that was made, it all turned out well for the two of them, as they were able to enjoy the final product together.
Travis: If only their guests had been afforded the luxury of knowing that plan, Al.
Alan: I believe Celeste’s favorite episode, before this one that is, would be the one that featured Ms. Adelaide Ainsworth.
Travis: Didn’t she spend the entire time drinking, and then belligerently insulted her guests for the next two hours, all while everyone sat there with no food on their plates?
Alan: Yes.
Travis: How could that possibly be her favorite episode, Al?
Alan: It allowed for… special time… with ‘Yours Truly’.
Travis: The yelling and cursing didn’t throw you off?
Alan: I’m used to the yelling, Trav.
Again, the two men give each other an exaggerated high five, only this time they follow it up with a jumping chest bump, before they turn their attention back to the camera.
Travis: So Celeste really enjoys this show, eh Al?
Alan: So much so Trav, that I was read the riot act earlier because she isn’t the one acting as my sous-chef this evening.
Travis: Women… what are you gonna do?
The two men laugh, as Alan adjusts his hat.
Alan: Now, for those of you who tuned in late, shame on you-..
Travis: Indeed. Shame.
Alan: -Because you missed quite a bit. We have already prepared a decadently rich lobster soup with curry, which was prepared with an intense lobster stock reduction, and finished with cream, butter-poached lobster, and curry oil.
Travis: And it smelled amazing, Al.
Alan: I gather that it tasted amazing as well, considering you’ve already eaten two bowls of it.
Travis: Perks of being the sous-chef, Al.
Alan: Right before dinner we will be preparing some pan-roasted sea scallops, which will incorporate cauliflower puree, tony capers, and a bit of lemon brown butter.
Travis: I don’t even know what capers are, but I know I’m going to enjoy it.
Alan: And for dessert, Trav has promised quite an eloquent surprise for us this evening.
Travis: I can’t wait, Al. You’re gonna love it.
Alan: I’m sure I will, Trav. Right now though, we will begin preparing the main course of the evening, and it is one of our favorites right here in Vain Manor.
Travis: I’m still shocked at the fact that you cook, Al. don’t you employ someone to do that sort of thing for you?
Alan: I do, yes, but Consuela works hard, and deserves a break from time to time. Plus, I enjoy cooking, Trav. It allows me a way to relax after a hard day or week.
Travis: Then why have you never cooked for me, Al?
Alan: Does the tour bus have a kitchen like mine, Trav?
Travis: Touché.
Alan: Tonight’s main course will be a delectable duck and mushroom foie gras.
Travis: Wait a minute… duck?! I thought you hated ducks?!
Alan: Oh, I do, but they taste amazing.
Alan winks at the camera, as Travis rolls his eyes.
Alan: Now as you can see, I have already begun preparing the duck, in that I have carefully removed the breasts, and then I lightly scored the skin in a crosshatch pattern. The legs have been removed, and they and the breasts have been set aside in the fridge. Now, for those of you at home who wish to recreate this, you will need to be sure to purchase additional duck wings- along with various other bones - because you will need to be certain you have enough in order to refresh the sauce later.
Travis: This sounds like it is expensive, Al.
Alan: Great food doesn’t come cheap, Trav. If you want cheap, might I suggest McDonalds?
Travis: Taco Bell is better.
Alan ignores the response from his partner.
Alan: As you all can see, I have also already chopped the carcass into multiple pieces, and that too is being set aside for the sauce. Now Trav here has already begun to combine a few ingredients into a bowl, as he has taken four sprigs of thyme, a few pinches of salt, and the zest of one lemon and begun coating the legs of the duck.
Travis: This feels disgusting, Al.
Alan: Now, once you have coated the duck legs, they will need to be placed in the fridge for about two hours in order to lightly cure. We have some already prepared in the fridge, so if you wouldn’t mind Trav, please place the legs you just coated in the fridge, and bring back the ones I have already prepared for this occasion.
As Travis walks over to the refrigerator, Alan begins talking softly into the camera.
Alan: Not only is he an excellent assistant in the kitchen, ladies… but he is quite the travel companion as well.
Travis returns with the duck legs, as Alan stands up straight and smiles.
Alan: Thank you, good Sir. Now we have already preheated the oven to three-hundred and fifty degrees, and Travis will now spread out the carcass, as well as the duck wings, onto a large baking sheet. You will need to roast the duck until the skin is a deep, golden brown. This process should take approximately forty minutes.
Alan opens the oven and pulls out a second baking sheet, the duck pieces on the tray a beautiful shade of brown. He then places the tray in front of Travis in the oven.
Travis: One thing I don’t get, Al… if you’ve already done all of this, why are we doing it again?
Alan: Life is all about teachable moments, Trav. If just one person who is watching can feel confident enough to attempt this dish after having watched us, then it’s all been worth it. Besides, unlike some teams, I prefer to be on the same level as the audience and speak to them, instead of positioning myself above everyone and talking at them.
Travis: A true gentleman you are, Al.
Alan: Now, in the pan on the back of the stove we have caramelized half of a chopped onion, half of a chopped carrot, a quarter of a head of chopped celery, a quarter of a clove of chopped garlic. Now that it is browned, Travis, please add fifty milliliters of white vinegar. Once that reduces, we will then add two-hundred milliliters of white wine, and then we will allow it to reduce until it’s slightly syrupy in consistency.
Travis: I assume we already have a batch that is ready, Al?
Alan: You assume correctly, Trav. Now we are going to add ten cups of chicken stock and a portion of the duck bones, and we are going to bring that to a boil, skimming off any scum that rises to the surface.
Travis: If only we could skim off the scum that inhabits UGWC, Al.
Alan: But isn’t that what Monday is for, Trav?
Travis: You’re a magnificent bastard sometimes, Al.
Alan: You’re welcome, Trav. You’re welcome.
Another high five, because why not?
Alan: Alright, now once we have skimmed off the top, we are going to reduce the heat to a simmer, and then add one-and-a-quarter tomatoes and one-and-a-quarter flat cap mushrooms, and simmer for two hours. Just remember, during those two hours, you will need to skim regularly.
Travis: Pretty much sounds like a good plan for the cooperative division, Al.
Alan: Indeed it is, Trav. Now, with our first batch that we prepared earlier in the day, we removed the duck legs from the fridge and rinsed them extremely well in order to remove the salt. We patted them dry and placed them into a baking dish, and then we melted the duck fat and poured over the legs, completely submerging them. Having done all of that, we placed them in the oven at two-hundred-fifty degrees for two hours, and then allowed them to cool after they were done.
Travis: You apparently had a lot of free time today, Al.
Alan: Well for most of it I did have Celeste helping. Yet another reason she isn’t happy about your being my sous-chef this evening.
Travis: She will just have to understand, Al. I get you for the duck… she gets you for the fu-
Alan: FAMILY SHOW, TRAV! Moving on, we made a black garlic puree with balsamic vinegar, vegetable oil, garlic cloves, and one black garlic clove. For this step, be sure to reduce the balsamic vinegar to a thick glaze before adding it to the puree. I cannot stress this enough.
Travis: There’s nothing worse than a runny puree, Al.
Alan: Next, take your stock and pass it through a fine sieve into a clean saucepan. Add the veal reduction and bring to a rolling boil, and then reduce the sauce until it is thick enough to coat the back of a spoon.
Travis: You do this because it relaxes you, Al? Why not just smoke?
Alan: You have your preference, and I have mine, Trav. Now, we want to remove the sauce from the head and add the reserved duck wings, and a small amount of thyme. You should allow this to infuse for approximately thirty minutes, before passing it through a fine sieve, and then set the pan aside.
Alan then grabs the baking pan that has the duck legs in them, and pulls it in front of him.
Alan: Now that the duck legs are cool, you want to hand-pick the meat from the bones and set it aside. While I am doing that, Travis is going to begin preparing the king oyster mushrooms. Trav?
Travis pulls a piece of paper from his pocket and unfolds it. He begins reading.
Travis: First you want to trim the foot off of each mushroom, and then slice four thin discs from the bottom of each stalk. Set those aside, and then take the two mushrooms and slice them vertically down the center, trimming off the edges to create four neat mushroom steaks. Score a crosshatch pattern into each, and then finely dice the trimmings, as they will go into the sauce later.
Alan beams with pride.
Alan: Beautifully accurate, Trav. I couldn’t have said it any better myself.
Travis: Well, you did write it, Al.
Alan: Gently reheat your sauce and add the diced mushroom trimmings, while also heating the duck leg meat back up in a pan. To cook the duck breasts, sprinkle with salt and add to a frying pan, skin-side down. Add the breasts to a cool pan and cook no hotter than a medium-high heat, as this will help render the fat. Once the skin is a deep golden color, you will finish the cook in the oven for approximately seven minutes. Once done, remove and allow to rest for ten minutes.
Travis: By the time we finish cooking all of this, I’m no longer going to be hungry, Al.
Alan: You sure that isn’t the two bowls of soup that you ate earlier?
Travis: Maybe.
Alan: Now we move on to the cooking of the king oyster mushrooms. Over medium-high heat, add a knob of butter and-
Travis: Come again?
Alan: What?
Travis: What in the holiest of hells is a knob of butter?
The two men look at one another for a few seconds in silence.
Alan: One to two tablespoons of butter, Trav. The markings are on the wrapper of the stick of butter.
Travis: Yes, and nowhere on that wrapper does it say ‘knob’, Al.
Alan: My apologies, Trav. I just like the term. It makes me feel British.
Travis: Well it makes you sound pretentious. And arrogant. And douchey.
Alan: So, like Gabriel, then?
Travis: Exactly.
Alan: My apologies, Trav. I don’t know what I was thinking.
Travis: Clearly you weren’t, Al.
Alan nods in ashamed acceptance, before looking back into the camera.
Alan: As I was saying ladies and gentlemen, add one to two tablespoons of stick butter to the pan, along with a dash of oil, and cook the mushrooms until they are golden brown. Once golden brown, finish the mushrooms under a hot grill until crisp.
Travis: Knob of butter… for Christ sake.
Alan: Heat a frying pan over high heat, and once smoking hot, add the slices of foie gras and sear on both sides until golden. Once that is done, grab the double-battered onion rings that you made earlier, and it will be time to serve.
Travis: FINALLY!
Alan: To serve, first pipe the black garlic puree onto a plate. Then carve the duck breasts into even slices and divide between the plates. Add a slice of foie gras and a spoonful of the warmed confit duck meat. Place a slice of king oyster mushroom on top of the confit duck, and top with an onion ring. Then, spoon the mushrooms trimmings and sauce over the dish, and finish with the raw mushroom discs, a dusting of porcini powder, and some herbs. And voila! Duck and Mushroom Foie Gras!
Alan turns away from the culinary masterpiece he has created and looks towards Travis.
Alan: So… you did remember the drinks and the dessert, didn’t you Trav?
Travis: Yes, Al. I was, indeed, capable of taking care of the two simplest sections of the menu.
Alan: So…
Alan looks at his partner expectantly.
Travis: What?
Alan: Where are they, Trav?
Travis looks shocked.
Travis: You want them now? But our guests haven’t even arrived.
Alan: But they WILL be arriving, Trav, and soon. The perfect dinner party host plans and prepares everything down to the last detail before their guests arrive. It’s no use dashing all over the place trying to improvise these things when they are already underway.
Travis: But what if something goes wrong anyway?
Alan scoffs and waves his hands dismissively at Travis before turning back to the worktop.
Alan: The perfect host will have anticipated any and all potential faux pas’ that could occur during the evening, and will be prepared to either divert their guests attention elsewhere, or merely completely ignore said issue and smile themselves through to the end without anyone noticing the disaster unfolding in their midst.
Travis considers this for a moment before replying.
Travis: Doesn’t that strike you as quite a familiar tactic, Al?
Alan shrugs in response, too busy sipping on a sauce to give Travis a proper answer.
Travis: It sounds to me like the same tactic the Morgan-Baals use to approach... well...everything...and people DO tend to notice their mistakes, no matter how hard they try to smile past them.
Alan sighs and turns around.
Alan: What’s your point, Trav.
Travis: Isn’t it better to just relax and go with the flow, that way when things don’t turn out as planned, we can just roll with the punches and make something great out of it regardless?
Alan narrows his eyes.
Alan: I’d really prefer to see the drinks and dessert beforehand, If it’s all the same to you, Trav.
Travis: Fine, well the drinks are already in the fridge and…
Alan: In the fridge? I’ve been in there, numerous times, and didn’t see them.
Travis looks confused.
Travis: Well I know I put them in there, Al.
Alan: Trav, the only stuff in there are ingredients for the main course, and what looks like a crate of Blackcurrant Kool-Aid and...oh...oh my god…
The look of realization spreads slowly across Alan’s face as he speaks the sentence, he clenches his eyes together, pinches his nose, and then continues.
Alan: OK. It’s fine. We can salvage this. Add some spices, serve it warm... we can pass it off as a European fruit tea. What about the dessert?
Travis: It’s in the kitchen in the Servant’s Quarters.
Alan looks puzzled
Alan: Vain Manor does not have Servants Quarters, Trav.
Travis cocks his head to the side.
Travis: You know? Where Simon, Cynric, NBK and Forewell all call home nowadays.
Alan: Ah, you mean the Guest Wing, Trav.
Travis: I know precisely what we both mean, Al.
Alan just looks at him.
Travis: What?
Alan sighs.
Alan: Would you be so kind as to venture to the Servants Quarters and fetch the goddamn dessert, Trav?
Travis gives an exaggerated look of worry to the camera before quickly exiting the room.
---
We join Travis walking down one of Vain Manor’s lavish hallways, and his talking to the camera.
Travis: I’ve never seen Alan quite so invested in one of our contractually obligated TPN appearances before, it’s a refreshing change. It could have something to do with impressing Celeste, but I have my suspicions the source of his energy comes from elsewhere.
You see, normally, Alan would be protesting loudly about how this entire endeavor was taking time away from our upcoming Cooperative Championship defense, He would be worrying about how it would distract us from retaining the Championship’s we have brought so much prestige to over the past year.
But that hasn’t been the case today, has it?
Travis unlocks a door leading to much narrower, and less lavish, corridor that marks the threshold to the ‘Guest Wing’.
Travis: Alan has embraced this opportunity to take his mind off of our profession for one day. He has fully engaged himself in creating a masterpiece in the kitchen, rather than the ring for a change, and I have to say it is great to see him like this, because I was pretty sure he was getting bored. I know I was.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting we have become disillusioned with life as Cooperative Champions. Far from it. How could we ever tire of our adventures together? No, that’s not what I am referring to.
Travis now turns a corner and starts to descend a stone spiral staircase.
Travis: I think it’s fair to say that today has been a welcome distraction from the seemingly never-ending tribulations of propping up Eden Morgan. Ever since she returned and made her empty promises, it has been like Groundhog Day for us. Every time we open our eyes in the morning, Eden Morgan is standing unavoidably in the path of our future.
I imagine we are as tired of having to talk about her, as all of you are hearing us doing so. There really are only so many ways we can tell the story of her shocking fall from the pedestal she placed herself on, and somehow remain entertaining, after all.
Travis now enters the kitchen in the ‘Guest Quarters’.
Travis: On paper facing her with a new partner should freshen everything up, make the upcoming match more intriguing, more unpredictable. Unfortunately, reality often likes to screw with on paper theory, and when the paper says that partner is Gabriel Baal, reality slips it a needle, mounts it in the prone position, and goes to town on its rectum.
That’s because ever since they began coexisting in this company, they have spent most of their time and efforts aggressively spraying their scent over the other in order to mark their territory. You can’t encounter one of them without the other’s stench making itself present, regardless of whether they are teaming or not.
You are probably all just as exhausted with us finding new ways of explaining just why Baal’s prospects took a nosedive the moment his wife’s priorities overshadowed his own, as you are with the Tragic Tale of Edie’s Delusion.
Travis approaches the fridge and puts his hand on the handle, before turning to the camera again.
Travis: I think we can all agree watching Alan prepare a duck is far more entertaining than spending any more time on the Morgan-Baals.
He then opens the fridge and peers in, his head jerks out and he looks around the room frantically before looking back inside.
Travis: Oh shi…
---
Alan: JELL-O!?!?
Alan pinches his nose again before rubbing at his temples.
Travis: I think…
Alan: Do you want us to look ridiculous?
Travis: I’m not the one who spent the entire afternoon, on camera, looking like the live action Pillsbury Doughboy,
Alan: I won’t be taking fashion advice from a man with Croc’s for every occasion.
Travis shrugs defiantly.
Travis: I won’t apologize for the versatility of my footwear, Al
Alan: What about for trying to serve Jell-O and Kool Aid at a dinner party? This isn’t a 5 years old’s birthday party, Trav!
Travis: I think you’re focusing on the wrong…
Alan throws his hands in the air.
Alan: You’ve met our guests, Trav! They served us a seven-course meal, complete with silver service and a string quartet! They have a triple barreled surname!
Travis: Yes, Al, they’re pretentious snobs with their heads so far up their own asses they can’t recognize that their inherited wealth impresses no-one. That’s why we agreed to be ourselves and do a straightforward 3 course meal, with no unnecessary flourishes, or those stupid small plates!
Alan: Yes, but you can’t serve people like this kid’s food, they will NOT appreciate it.
Travis scoffs.
Travis: And what? Who cares, Al? I like Jell-O and I like Kool-Aid, just because it doesn’t fit their sheltered and narrow views of what constitutes ‘classy’ I should, what, pretend to be someone else? Just because they can’t appreciate the merits of anything that doesn’t cost a normal person’s weekly wage, it means we should kowtow to their tastes? I don’t like having to sit through 3-hour long dinner services when I can satisfy my hunger in 20 minutes at Wendy’s, but I didn’t see them trying to adapt to MY tastes, Al.
Alan sighs and looks imploringly at Travis.
Alan: I can’t do it, Trav. I can’t serve Jell-O and Kool Aid….
Travis: Well, that’s what I have been trying to say, Al. Four-fifths of the Jell-O has already been eaten, no prizes for guessing by who…
Alan: But the principle, Trav…
Travis rolls his eyes.
Alan: But you’re right, we can’t serve it anyway, so we don’t even have a dessert now. This is a disaster, Trav!
Travis: I think that may be the least of our issues, Al.
Alan: Huh?
Travis looks down and motions to the mostly eaten bowl of Jell-O.
Travis: I made that, with a gallon of vodka to give it an adult kick.
Alan looks with concern at the bowl, just as they hear the chiming of the bells that indicate their guests have arrived.
Alan: Oh shi…
---
Alan and Travis lead their guests into the grand dining hall in Vain Manor and lead them to their seats. Both are lavishly dressed, and they give thin smiles to their hosts. Those smiles disappear mere moments after they place their posteriors into their seats.
Because at that very moment, Travis’ suspicions to the identity of the Jell-O thief are confirmed as the doors at the other end swing open loudly, and standing in nothing but his mask, a loincloth, and a pair of cowboy boots is The Natural Born Killer, swaying ever so slightly as he sings…
NBK: Swipe your nose like a credit card,
Hop on top, I wanna ride,
I do a kegal while it’s inside,
Spit in my mouth, look in my eyes.
Both guests look on in horror as NBK ‘dances’ into the room, twerking and lurching in a visually obscene manner, it isn’t for a few moments until he becomes aware of his audience and he stops dead still.
NBK: Mister Wallisch! You is our bestest friend! Better than that square Forewell! You took us in when HE turned us all out!
He spins and points his finger at Travis.
NBK: Abandoner! Judas! Ingrate! We will tear you apart!
He starts to stumble towards Travis before he notices the couple sat frozen in terror at the table. He then sidles up to the woman.
NBK: Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are like portals to a soulless domain of pain and suffering. Would you like to dance with a Killer?
He winks and burps in her face as she looks imploringly at the man to her side.
NBK: Oh? Is this overly preened sack of misplaced masculinity your husband? Don’t worry he can watch, we’re sure he enjoys that kind of…
The woman gasps and Alan has finally made his way over to restrain The Killer but just before he can reach him he lifts up his mask and vomits violently over the dinner guests, before then collapsing in a heap on the floor beside them. The guests get to their feet and run from the hall shrieking.
Alan stands silently looking over the remains of his precisely prepared dinner setting as Travis comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder and goes to say something, but Alan raises a hand and cuts him off.
Alan: Don’t. Just don’t say anything, Trav.
Alan then spins towards the camera and points his finger at it.
Alan: You! You are going to destroy all the footage of this travesty, it can NEVER see the light of day!
Travis: Let’s not be so hasty…
Alan spins on a heel and looks at Travis.
Alan: So you DO want to humiliate me, Trav? There is no other reason to not burn every piece of footage we have filmed here today to a cinder.
Travis: Oh come on Al, is it really that bad?
Alan’s jaw drops open as his eyes grow wide and he looks around the hall and directly at NBK’s snoring body.
Alan: Yes! Nothing went to plan, Trav, we didn’t even get to the starter! This was a complete disaster!
Travis: But was it really?
Alan shakes his head in bemusement.
Alan: YES! This was, without a doubt, the worst dinner party ever!
Travis: We weren’t here to put on a dinner party, Al.
Alan: Really? You could have fooled me over the past two days of preparing for just that!
Travis: We were here to make entertainment, Al.
Alan blinks hard three times.
Alan By putting on a dinner party! It’s right there in the name of the show! There was no dinner, and the only person who experienced a party wasn’t even invited!
Travis shrugs.
Travis: So what? So, it didn’t go exactly the way you wanted it to, things beyond your control meant your efforts weren’t received as you had hoped, it happens.
Alan: They fled my home screaming and covered in vomit, Trav.
Travis: Yes, it didn’t go to plan. You didn’t get what you wanted, and it was a failure as a dinner party.
Alan untenses his shoulders, visibly relieved.
Alan: I’m glad you’re starting to see things my way, Trav.
Travis: But the last thing we should do is destroy the footage.
Alan: I see that I spoke too soon.
Travis: Sure we could try and ignore our failure, brush it off and pretend it didn’t happen, and carry on as normal.
Alan nods frantically.
Alan: Yes, that! Let’s do that, Trav.
Travis shakes his head.
Travis: It’ll get out, Al, even if we do destroy the footage. We can’t silence our guests, or the crew, and then when it DOES get out, we will just look like oblivious fools who can’t handle the reality of the situation we find ourselves in. No matter what we say or do to try and distract or ignore what happened, everyone will know what went down here, and we won’t be able to spin our way out of it.
Alan: But if there is no footage…
Travis: It won’t just go away, Al, these things don’t. No matter how hard we wish they would, they follow us. So instead, I propose we happily release the footage and accept our failure…
Alan looks shocked.
Alan: Accepting failure isn’t really a trait of a Champion, Trav.
Travis: Let me finish, Al. If we accept our failure as dinner party hosts, and embrace our indisputable positions as the most entertaining duo on both PMN and UGWC programming, we’ll be the proud stars of the most viewed, and talked about episode, in Double Dinner Date’s history. I’m quite sure they’d even be keen to get Celeste in with you for a follow up.
Alan starts bobbing his head from side to side weighing up what Travis has said.
Alan: I guess that could work…
Travis: And none of that is possible if everything went to plan and we enjoyed an evening of pretentious and irrelevant waffle from two dullards who think they have some kind of status in society, Al. No-one is going to be GIF-ing scenes from that episode, Al.
Alan nods.
Alan: So what you’re saying is destroying it may feel like protecting my carefully cultivated image, ultimately accepting it, and rolling with it will benefit me more.
Travis: And keep our audience from wanting to switch the channel every time we are on screen.
Alan nods definitively this time and turns to the camera.
Alan: Keep it…
He smiles into the camera.
Alan: We are going to continue to be the entertaining ones.
FIN
Alan: Welcome back to an incredibly special edition of ‘Double Dinner Date’, which is quite possibly the best show that The Piercing Media Network provides to its viewers. And that’s before the two of us decided to grace all of you with their presence.
Travis: To be fair Al, any show that we appear on breaks all previous records it held. I know that isn’t saying much, but still, the ratings don’t lie.
Alan: That they do not, Trav. To be perfectly honest, it is one of the few PMN shows that Celeste and I tend to enjoy on a weekly basis. Who could ever forget the episode that saw Dave Rydell show his expertise behind the grill, when he brought to the masses his special ‘B-Rated Burgers’, paired with his patented ‘Borish Baked Beans’. That’s why you have the side burner, ladies and gentlemen!
Travis: To be perfectly honest, I don’t remember seeing that episode, Al.
Alan: That’s because nobody watched it, Trav.
Travis: Quite a shame for Dave, but chin up buckeroo, maybe they’ll be sure to include it on your ‘Best Of…’ DVD that has still yet to be released.
Alan: See, that’s why I like you, Trav. You’re a dreamer.
The two men then give each other an over-exaggerated high five, before Alan looks back into the camera.
Alan: Not to be outdone by Mr. Rydell, Lucy Wylde and JC collaborated on a stunning baked chicken recipe that, frankly, looked absolutely delicious.
Travis: I remember seeing that episode, Al, and while it did look delicious, I question their choice to only hit an internal temperature of one-fifty-five. Chicken can turn on you rather quickly if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Alan: Touché, Trav. However, don’t forget, they did allow the chicken to rest for a longer period of time than usual. So, while the viewers likely couldn’t believe the decision that was made, it all turned out well for the two of them, as they were able to enjoy the final product together.
Travis: If only their guests had been afforded the luxury of knowing that plan, Al.
Alan: I believe Celeste’s favorite episode, before this one that is, would be the one that featured Ms. Adelaide Ainsworth.
Travis: Didn’t she spend the entire time drinking, and then belligerently insulted her guests for the next two hours, all while everyone sat there with no food on their plates?
Alan: Yes.
Travis: How could that possibly be her favorite episode, Al?
Alan: It allowed for… special time… with ‘Yours Truly’.
Travis: The yelling and cursing didn’t throw you off?
Alan: I’m used to the yelling, Trav.
Again, the two men give each other an exaggerated high five, only this time they follow it up with a jumping chest bump, before they turn their attention back to the camera.
Travis: So Celeste really enjoys this show, eh Al?
Alan: So much so Trav, that I was read the riot act earlier because she isn’t the one acting as my sous-chef this evening.
Travis: Women… what are you gonna do?
The two men laugh, as Alan adjusts his hat.
Alan: Now, for those of you who tuned in late, shame on you-..
Travis: Indeed. Shame.
Alan: -Because you missed quite a bit. We have already prepared a decadently rich lobster soup with curry, which was prepared with an intense lobster stock reduction, and finished with cream, butter-poached lobster, and curry oil.
Travis: And it smelled amazing, Al.
Alan: I gather that it tasted amazing as well, considering you’ve already eaten two bowls of it.
Travis: Perks of being the sous-chef, Al.
Alan: Right before dinner we will be preparing some pan-roasted sea scallops, which will incorporate cauliflower puree, tony capers, and a bit of lemon brown butter.
Travis: I don’t even know what capers are, but I know I’m going to enjoy it.
Alan: And for dessert, Trav has promised quite an eloquent surprise for us this evening.
Travis: I can’t wait, Al. You’re gonna love it.
Alan: I’m sure I will, Trav. Right now though, we will begin preparing the main course of the evening, and it is one of our favorites right here in Vain Manor.
Travis: I’m still shocked at the fact that you cook, Al. don’t you employ someone to do that sort of thing for you?
Alan: I do, yes, but Consuela works hard, and deserves a break from time to time. Plus, I enjoy cooking, Trav. It allows me a way to relax after a hard day or week.
Travis: Then why have you never cooked for me, Al?
Alan: Does the tour bus have a kitchen like mine, Trav?
Travis: Touché.
Alan: Tonight’s main course will be a delectable duck and mushroom foie gras.
Travis: Wait a minute… duck?! I thought you hated ducks?!
Alan: Oh, I do, but they taste amazing.
Alan winks at the camera, as Travis rolls his eyes.
Alan: Now as you can see, I have already begun preparing the duck, in that I have carefully removed the breasts, and then I lightly scored the skin in a crosshatch pattern. The legs have been removed, and they and the breasts have been set aside in the fridge. Now, for those of you at home who wish to recreate this, you will need to be sure to purchase additional duck wings- along with various other bones - because you will need to be certain you have enough in order to refresh the sauce later.
Travis: This sounds like it is expensive, Al.
Alan: Great food doesn’t come cheap, Trav. If you want cheap, might I suggest McDonalds?
Travis: Taco Bell is better.
Alan ignores the response from his partner.
Alan: As you all can see, I have also already chopped the carcass into multiple pieces, and that too is being set aside for the sauce. Now Trav here has already begun to combine a few ingredients into a bowl, as he has taken four sprigs of thyme, a few pinches of salt, and the zest of one lemon and begun coating the legs of the duck.
Travis: This feels disgusting, Al.
Alan: Now, once you have coated the duck legs, they will need to be placed in the fridge for about two hours in order to lightly cure. We have some already prepared in the fridge, so if you wouldn’t mind Trav, please place the legs you just coated in the fridge, and bring back the ones I have already prepared for this occasion.
As Travis walks over to the refrigerator, Alan begins talking softly into the camera.
Alan: Not only is he an excellent assistant in the kitchen, ladies… but he is quite the travel companion as well.
Travis returns with the duck legs, as Alan stands up straight and smiles.
Alan: Thank you, good Sir. Now we have already preheated the oven to three-hundred and fifty degrees, and Travis will now spread out the carcass, as well as the duck wings, onto a large baking sheet. You will need to roast the duck until the skin is a deep, golden brown. This process should take approximately forty minutes.
Alan opens the oven and pulls out a second baking sheet, the duck pieces on the tray a beautiful shade of brown. He then places the tray in front of Travis in the oven.
Travis: One thing I don’t get, Al… if you’ve already done all of this, why are we doing it again?
Alan: Life is all about teachable moments, Trav. If just one person who is watching can feel confident enough to attempt this dish after having watched us, then it’s all been worth it. Besides, unlike some teams, I prefer to be on the same level as the audience and speak to them, instead of positioning myself above everyone and talking at them.
Travis: A true gentleman you are, Al.
Alan: Now, in the pan on the back of the stove we have caramelized half of a chopped onion, half of a chopped carrot, a quarter of a head of chopped celery, a quarter of a clove of chopped garlic. Now that it is browned, Travis, please add fifty milliliters of white vinegar. Once that reduces, we will then add two-hundred milliliters of white wine, and then we will allow it to reduce until it’s slightly syrupy in consistency.
Travis: I assume we already have a batch that is ready, Al?
Alan: You assume correctly, Trav. Now we are going to add ten cups of chicken stock and a portion of the duck bones, and we are going to bring that to a boil, skimming off any scum that rises to the surface.
Travis: If only we could skim off the scum that inhabits UGWC, Al.
Alan: But isn’t that what Monday is for, Trav?
Travis: You’re a magnificent bastard sometimes, Al.
Alan: You’re welcome, Trav. You’re welcome.
Another high five, because why not?
Alan: Alright, now once we have skimmed off the top, we are going to reduce the heat to a simmer, and then add one-and-a-quarter tomatoes and one-and-a-quarter flat cap mushrooms, and simmer for two hours. Just remember, during those two hours, you will need to skim regularly.
Travis: Pretty much sounds like a good plan for the cooperative division, Al.
Alan: Indeed it is, Trav. Now, with our first batch that we prepared earlier in the day, we removed the duck legs from the fridge and rinsed them extremely well in order to remove the salt. We patted them dry and placed them into a baking dish, and then we melted the duck fat and poured over the legs, completely submerging them. Having done all of that, we placed them in the oven at two-hundred-fifty degrees for two hours, and then allowed them to cool after they were done.
Travis: You apparently had a lot of free time today, Al.
Alan: Well for most of it I did have Celeste helping. Yet another reason she isn’t happy about your being my sous-chef this evening.
Travis: She will just have to understand, Al. I get you for the duck… she gets you for the fu-
Alan: FAMILY SHOW, TRAV! Moving on, we made a black garlic puree with balsamic vinegar, vegetable oil, garlic cloves, and one black garlic clove. For this step, be sure to reduce the balsamic vinegar to a thick glaze before adding it to the puree. I cannot stress this enough.
Travis: There’s nothing worse than a runny puree, Al.
Alan: Next, take your stock and pass it through a fine sieve into a clean saucepan. Add the veal reduction and bring to a rolling boil, and then reduce the sauce until it is thick enough to coat the back of a spoon.
Travis: You do this because it relaxes you, Al? Why not just smoke?
Alan: You have your preference, and I have mine, Trav. Now, we want to remove the sauce from the head and add the reserved duck wings, and a small amount of thyme. You should allow this to infuse for approximately thirty minutes, before passing it through a fine sieve, and then set the pan aside.
Alan then grabs the baking pan that has the duck legs in them, and pulls it in front of him.
Alan: Now that the duck legs are cool, you want to hand-pick the meat from the bones and set it aside. While I am doing that, Travis is going to begin preparing the king oyster mushrooms. Trav?
Travis pulls a piece of paper from his pocket and unfolds it. He begins reading.
Travis: First you want to trim the foot off of each mushroom, and then slice four thin discs from the bottom of each stalk. Set those aside, and then take the two mushrooms and slice them vertically down the center, trimming off the edges to create four neat mushroom steaks. Score a crosshatch pattern into each, and then finely dice the trimmings, as they will go into the sauce later.
Alan beams with pride.
Alan: Beautifully accurate, Trav. I couldn’t have said it any better myself.
Travis: Well, you did write it, Al.
Alan: Gently reheat your sauce and add the diced mushroom trimmings, while also heating the duck leg meat back up in a pan. To cook the duck breasts, sprinkle with salt and add to a frying pan, skin-side down. Add the breasts to a cool pan and cook no hotter than a medium-high heat, as this will help render the fat. Once the skin is a deep golden color, you will finish the cook in the oven for approximately seven minutes. Once done, remove and allow to rest for ten minutes.
Travis: By the time we finish cooking all of this, I’m no longer going to be hungry, Al.
Alan: You sure that isn’t the two bowls of soup that you ate earlier?
Travis: Maybe.
Alan: Now we move on to the cooking of the king oyster mushrooms. Over medium-high heat, add a knob of butter and-
Travis: Come again?
Alan: What?
Travis: What in the holiest of hells is a knob of butter?
The two men look at one another for a few seconds in silence.
Alan: One to two tablespoons of butter, Trav. The markings are on the wrapper of the stick of butter.
Travis: Yes, and nowhere on that wrapper does it say ‘knob’, Al.
Alan: My apologies, Trav. I just like the term. It makes me feel British.
Travis: Well it makes you sound pretentious. And arrogant. And douchey.
Alan: So, like Gabriel, then?
Travis: Exactly.
Alan: My apologies, Trav. I don’t know what I was thinking.
Travis: Clearly you weren’t, Al.
Alan nods in ashamed acceptance, before looking back into the camera.
Alan: As I was saying ladies and gentlemen, add one to two tablespoons of stick butter to the pan, along with a dash of oil, and cook the mushrooms until they are golden brown. Once golden brown, finish the mushrooms under a hot grill until crisp.
Travis: Knob of butter… for Christ sake.
Alan: Heat a frying pan over high heat, and once smoking hot, add the slices of foie gras and sear on both sides until golden. Once that is done, grab the double-battered onion rings that you made earlier, and it will be time to serve.
Travis: FINALLY!
Alan: To serve, first pipe the black garlic puree onto a plate. Then carve the duck breasts into even slices and divide between the plates. Add a slice of foie gras and a spoonful of the warmed confit duck meat. Place a slice of king oyster mushroom on top of the confit duck, and top with an onion ring. Then, spoon the mushrooms trimmings and sauce over the dish, and finish with the raw mushroom discs, a dusting of porcini powder, and some herbs. And voila! Duck and Mushroom Foie Gras!
Alan turns away from the culinary masterpiece he has created and looks towards Travis.
Alan: So… you did remember the drinks and the dessert, didn’t you Trav?
Travis: Yes, Al. I was, indeed, capable of taking care of the two simplest sections of the menu.
Alan: So…
Alan looks at his partner expectantly.
Travis: What?
Alan: Where are they, Trav?
Travis looks shocked.
Travis: You want them now? But our guests haven’t even arrived.
Alan: But they WILL be arriving, Trav, and soon. The perfect dinner party host plans and prepares everything down to the last detail before their guests arrive. It’s no use dashing all over the place trying to improvise these things when they are already underway.
Travis: But what if something goes wrong anyway?
Alan scoffs and waves his hands dismissively at Travis before turning back to the worktop.
Alan: The perfect host will have anticipated any and all potential faux pas’ that could occur during the evening, and will be prepared to either divert their guests attention elsewhere, or merely completely ignore said issue and smile themselves through to the end without anyone noticing the disaster unfolding in their midst.
Travis considers this for a moment before replying.
Travis: Doesn’t that strike you as quite a familiar tactic, Al?
Alan shrugs in response, too busy sipping on a sauce to give Travis a proper answer.
Travis: It sounds to me like the same tactic the Morgan-Baals use to approach... well...everything...and people DO tend to notice their mistakes, no matter how hard they try to smile past them.
Alan sighs and turns around.
Alan: What’s your point, Trav.
Travis: Isn’t it better to just relax and go with the flow, that way when things don’t turn out as planned, we can just roll with the punches and make something great out of it regardless?
Alan narrows his eyes.
Alan: I’d really prefer to see the drinks and dessert beforehand, If it’s all the same to you, Trav.
Travis: Fine, well the drinks are already in the fridge and…
Alan: In the fridge? I’ve been in there, numerous times, and didn’t see them.
Travis looks confused.
Travis: Well I know I put them in there, Al.
Alan: Trav, the only stuff in there are ingredients for the main course, and what looks like a crate of Blackcurrant Kool-Aid and...oh...oh my god…
The look of realization spreads slowly across Alan’s face as he speaks the sentence, he clenches his eyes together, pinches his nose, and then continues.
Alan: OK. It’s fine. We can salvage this. Add some spices, serve it warm... we can pass it off as a European fruit tea. What about the dessert?
Travis: It’s in the kitchen in the Servant’s Quarters.
Alan looks puzzled
Alan: Vain Manor does not have Servants Quarters, Trav.
Travis cocks his head to the side.
Travis: You know? Where Simon, Cynric, NBK and Forewell all call home nowadays.
Alan: Ah, you mean the Guest Wing, Trav.
Travis: I know precisely what we both mean, Al.
Alan just looks at him.
Travis: What?
Alan sighs.
Alan: Would you be so kind as to venture to the Servants Quarters and fetch the goddamn dessert, Trav?
Travis gives an exaggerated look of worry to the camera before quickly exiting the room.
---
We join Travis walking down one of Vain Manor’s lavish hallways, and his talking to the camera.
Travis: I’ve never seen Alan quite so invested in one of our contractually obligated TPN appearances before, it’s a refreshing change. It could have something to do with impressing Celeste, but I have my suspicions the source of his energy comes from elsewhere.
You see, normally, Alan would be protesting loudly about how this entire endeavor was taking time away from our upcoming Cooperative Championship defense, He would be worrying about how it would distract us from retaining the Championship’s we have brought so much prestige to over the past year.
But that hasn’t been the case today, has it?
Travis unlocks a door leading to much narrower, and less lavish, corridor that marks the threshold to the ‘Guest Wing’.
Travis: Alan has embraced this opportunity to take his mind off of our profession for one day. He has fully engaged himself in creating a masterpiece in the kitchen, rather than the ring for a change, and I have to say it is great to see him like this, because I was pretty sure he was getting bored. I know I was.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting we have become disillusioned with life as Cooperative Champions. Far from it. How could we ever tire of our adventures together? No, that’s not what I am referring to.
Travis now turns a corner and starts to descend a stone spiral staircase.
Travis: I think it’s fair to say that today has been a welcome distraction from the seemingly never-ending tribulations of propping up Eden Morgan. Ever since she returned and made her empty promises, it has been like Groundhog Day for us. Every time we open our eyes in the morning, Eden Morgan is standing unavoidably in the path of our future.
I imagine we are as tired of having to talk about her, as all of you are hearing us doing so. There really are only so many ways we can tell the story of her shocking fall from the pedestal she placed herself on, and somehow remain entertaining, after all.
Travis now enters the kitchen in the ‘Guest Quarters’.
Travis: On paper facing her with a new partner should freshen everything up, make the upcoming match more intriguing, more unpredictable. Unfortunately, reality often likes to screw with on paper theory, and when the paper says that partner is Gabriel Baal, reality slips it a needle, mounts it in the prone position, and goes to town on its rectum.
That’s because ever since they began coexisting in this company, they have spent most of their time and efforts aggressively spraying their scent over the other in order to mark their territory. You can’t encounter one of them without the other’s stench making itself present, regardless of whether they are teaming or not.
You are probably all just as exhausted with us finding new ways of explaining just why Baal’s prospects took a nosedive the moment his wife’s priorities overshadowed his own, as you are with the Tragic Tale of Edie’s Delusion.
Travis approaches the fridge and puts his hand on the handle, before turning to the camera again.
Travis: I think we can all agree watching Alan prepare a duck is far more entertaining than spending any more time on the Morgan-Baals.
He then opens the fridge and peers in, his head jerks out and he looks around the room frantically before looking back inside.
Travis: Oh shi…
---
Alan: JELL-O!?!?
Alan pinches his nose again before rubbing at his temples.
Travis: I think…
Alan: Do you want us to look ridiculous?
Travis: I’m not the one who spent the entire afternoon, on camera, looking like the live action Pillsbury Doughboy,
Alan: I won’t be taking fashion advice from a man with Croc’s for every occasion.
Travis shrugs defiantly.
Travis: I won’t apologize for the versatility of my footwear, Al
Alan: What about for trying to serve Jell-O and Kool Aid at a dinner party? This isn’t a 5 years old’s birthday party, Trav!
Travis: I think you’re focusing on the wrong…
Alan throws his hands in the air.
Alan: You’ve met our guests, Trav! They served us a seven-course meal, complete with silver service and a string quartet! They have a triple barreled surname!
Travis: Yes, Al, they’re pretentious snobs with their heads so far up their own asses they can’t recognize that their inherited wealth impresses no-one. That’s why we agreed to be ourselves and do a straightforward 3 course meal, with no unnecessary flourishes, or those stupid small plates!
Alan: Yes, but you can’t serve people like this kid’s food, they will NOT appreciate it.
Travis scoffs.
Travis: And what? Who cares, Al? I like Jell-O and I like Kool-Aid, just because it doesn’t fit their sheltered and narrow views of what constitutes ‘classy’ I should, what, pretend to be someone else? Just because they can’t appreciate the merits of anything that doesn’t cost a normal person’s weekly wage, it means we should kowtow to their tastes? I don’t like having to sit through 3-hour long dinner services when I can satisfy my hunger in 20 minutes at Wendy’s, but I didn’t see them trying to adapt to MY tastes, Al.
Alan sighs and looks imploringly at Travis.
Alan: I can’t do it, Trav. I can’t serve Jell-O and Kool Aid….
Travis: Well, that’s what I have been trying to say, Al. Four-fifths of the Jell-O has already been eaten, no prizes for guessing by who…
Alan: But the principle, Trav…
Travis rolls his eyes.
Alan: But you’re right, we can’t serve it anyway, so we don’t even have a dessert now. This is a disaster, Trav!
Travis: I think that may be the least of our issues, Al.
Alan: Huh?
Travis looks down and motions to the mostly eaten bowl of Jell-O.
Travis: I made that, with a gallon of vodka to give it an adult kick.
Alan looks with concern at the bowl, just as they hear the chiming of the bells that indicate their guests have arrived.
Alan: Oh shi…
---
Alan and Travis lead their guests into the grand dining hall in Vain Manor and lead them to their seats. Both are lavishly dressed, and they give thin smiles to their hosts. Those smiles disappear mere moments after they place their posteriors into their seats.
Because at that very moment, Travis’ suspicions to the identity of the Jell-O thief are confirmed as the doors at the other end swing open loudly, and standing in nothing but his mask, a loincloth, and a pair of cowboy boots is The Natural Born Killer, swaying ever so slightly as he sings…
NBK: Swipe your nose like a credit card,
Hop on top, I wanna ride,
I do a kegal while it’s inside,
Spit in my mouth, look in my eyes.
Both guests look on in horror as NBK ‘dances’ into the room, twerking and lurching in a visually obscene manner, it isn’t for a few moments until he becomes aware of his audience and he stops dead still.
NBK: Mister Wallisch! You is our bestest friend! Better than that square Forewell! You took us in when HE turned us all out!
He spins and points his finger at Travis.
NBK: Abandoner! Judas! Ingrate! We will tear you apart!
He starts to stumble towards Travis before he notices the couple sat frozen in terror at the table. He then sidles up to the woman.
NBK: Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are like portals to a soulless domain of pain and suffering. Would you like to dance with a Killer?
He winks and burps in her face as she looks imploringly at the man to her side.
NBK: Oh? Is this overly preened sack of misplaced masculinity your husband? Don’t worry he can watch, we’re sure he enjoys that kind of…
The woman gasps and Alan has finally made his way over to restrain The Killer but just before he can reach him he lifts up his mask and vomits violently over the dinner guests, before then collapsing in a heap on the floor beside them. The guests get to their feet and run from the hall shrieking.
Alan stands silently looking over the remains of his precisely prepared dinner setting as Travis comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder and goes to say something, but Alan raises a hand and cuts him off.
Alan: Don’t. Just don’t say anything, Trav.
Alan then spins towards the camera and points his finger at it.
Alan: You! You are going to destroy all the footage of this travesty, it can NEVER see the light of day!
Travis: Let’s not be so hasty…
Alan spins on a heel and looks at Travis.
Alan: So you DO want to humiliate me, Trav? There is no other reason to not burn every piece of footage we have filmed here today to a cinder.
Travis: Oh come on Al, is it really that bad?
Alan’s jaw drops open as his eyes grow wide and he looks around the hall and directly at NBK’s snoring body.
Alan: Yes! Nothing went to plan, Trav, we didn’t even get to the starter! This was a complete disaster!
Travis: But was it really?
Alan shakes his head in bemusement.
Alan: YES! This was, without a doubt, the worst dinner party ever!
Travis: We weren’t here to put on a dinner party, Al.
Alan: Really? You could have fooled me over the past two days of preparing for just that!
Travis: We were here to make entertainment, Al.
Alan blinks hard three times.
Alan By putting on a dinner party! It’s right there in the name of the show! There was no dinner, and the only person who experienced a party wasn’t even invited!
Travis shrugs.
Travis: So what? So, it didn’t go exactly the way you wanted it to, things beyond your control meant your efforts weren’t received as you had hoped, it happens.
Alan: They fled my home screaming and covered in vomit, Trav.
Travis: Yes, it didn’t go to plan. You didn’t get what you wanted, and it was a failure as a dinner party.
Alan untenses his shoulders, visibly relieved.
Alan: I’m glad you’re starting to see things my way, Trav.
Travis: But the last thing we should do is destroy the footage.
Alan: I see that I spoke too soon.
Travis: Sure we could try and ignore our failure, brush it off and pretend it didn’t happen, and carry on as normal.
Alan nods frantically.
Alan: Yes, that! Let’s do that, Trav.
Travis shakes his head.
Travis: It’ll get out, Al, even if we do destroy the footage. We can’t silence our guests, or the crew, and then when it DOES get out, we will just look like oblivious fools who can’t handle the reality of the situation we find ourselves in. No matter what we say or do to try and distract or ignore what happened, everyone will know what went down here, and we won’t be able to spin our way out of it.
Alan: But if there is no footage…
Travis: It won’t just go away, Al, these things don’t. No matter how hard we wish they would, they follow us. So instead, I propose we happily release the footage and accept our failure…
Alan looks shocked.
Alan: Accepting failure isn’t really a trait of a Champion, Trav.
Travis: Let me finish, Al. If we accept our failure as dinner party hosts, and embrace our indisputable positions as the most entertaining duo on both PMN and UGWC programming, we’ll be the proud stars of the most viewed, and talked about episode, in Double Dinner Date’s history. I’m quite sure they’d even be keen to get Celeste in with you for a follow up.
Alan starts bobbing his head from side to side weighing up what Travis has said.
Alan: I guess that could work…
Travis: And none of that is possible if everything went to plan and we enjoyed an evening of pretentious and irrelevant waffle from two dullards who think they have some kind of status in society, Al. No-one is going to be GIF-ing scenes from that episode, Al.
Alan nods.
Alan: So what you’re saying is destroying it may feel like protecting my carefully cultivated image, ultimately accepting it, and rolling with it will benefit me more.
Travis: And keep our audience from wanting to switch the channel every time we are on screen.
Alan nods definitively this time and turns to the camera.
Alan: Keep it…
He smiles into the camera.
Alan: We are going to continue to be the entertaining ones.
FIN
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